What is Happiness?

In a prior article, Why Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work, I discussed why happiness remains elusive for so many people who pursue it relentlessly. This raises the age old question: What is happiness?

What is Happiness?

Rather than being a permanent state of euphoria or the complete absence of pain, happiness is a subjective state of well-being. It's characterized by a combination of frequent positive emotions, overall life satisfaction and a deep sense of meaning and purpose.

What is Happiness?

Psychological experts who study happiness see it as an ongoing balance where positive feelings outweigh negative ones and includes a sense of optimism.  

What is the Psychological Breakdown of Happiness?

Positive psychology researchers use the term "subjective well-being" instead of the word "happiness".  They break this down into three main areas;

• Enjoyment: The passing moment-to-moment feelings of pleasure, joy or fun in daily activities.

What is Happiness?

• Satisfaction: The cognitive evaluation of your life as a whole including how well you feel you are progressing towards your goals and values.

• Meaning: A sense of purpose, feeling connected to something larger than yourself and believing your life matters.

Two Philosophical Paths

The debate about what makes a good life goes back at least as far as the ancient Greeks. The two philosophical paths are:

• Pleasure: Pleasure is often derived from what feels good in the moment. It includes indulging in sensory pleasures, self care and immediate gratification. Although the feelings are pleasurable, they are often short lived.

What is Happiness?

• Meaning: Meaning making includes aligning your values, thoughts, choices and actions as well as a sense of purpose in your life.

What is the Connection Between Happiness and Health?

Physical health is directly influenced by your emotional well-being and, at the same time, your well-being influences your physical health.

Medical data from the Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public health indicate that emotional well-being acts as a protective shield for your health and chronic negative emotions place a heavy toll on your major organs.

Health and Happiness

In terms of longevity, happiness can actively protect your heart, decrease stress-induced damage and promote healthy daily choices. As a result, it is a major driver of a longer life. 

Data collected over decades has revealed that, in general, happier individuals have a lower risk of premature death.

How Can You Live a More Meaningful and Purposeful Life?

Happiness researchers have found that long term well-being is influenced by how you structure your daily routine, nurture your relationships and how you respond to stress:

Nurture Deep Social Connections

According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, deep, high quality social connections are the strongest predictor of life-long happiness and longevity. This includes:

• Practice Helping Others: Spending time and resources on helping others trigger your brain's internal reward system. 

What is Happiness?

• Perform Random Acts of Kindness: The term "random acts of kindness" was coined by Anne Herbert in 1982. Random acts of kindness are selfless, unexpected gestures you make toward others without prompting, expectation of reward or ulterior motives. These gestures can be made towards loved ones, acquaintances or strangers as a way to brighten their day (see my article: What is Kindness?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Why Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work

People often feel discouraged in their pursuit of happiness because the more they chase it, the more elusive it feels.  

Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work

Chasing happiness creates an emotional paradox which often pushes true well-being away. 

Psychological research reveals that transforming happiness into a rigid, primary goal often creates stress, disappointment and exhaustion instead of fulfillment.

The Illusion of a Final Destination to Happiness

• The Hedonic Treadmill: People often assume there is a fixed finish line--like achieving a specific career rank or purchasing a luxury item. But the truth is that once this kind of goal is achieved, the brain quickly adapts to the new baseline. This, in turn, can spark never-ending desires in the hopes of achieving happiness.

• Time Scarcity: Actively working toward a vague goal of "being happy" makes people extremely aware of time. This causes people to feel they never have enough time in the day which can cause panic and dissatisfaction.

• The Perfection Standard: Treating positive emotions, like happiness, as the default sets unrealistic and unmanageable expectations. When life inevitably brings real challenges, an "expectation gap" forms leading to severe disappointment and discouragement (see my article: Coping With Life's Inevitable Ups and Downs).

Flawed Emotional Management

• Constant Self-Monitoring: Chasing happiness forces people into a constant state of internal evaluation. Constantly asking, "Am I happy yet?" pulls people out of possible immersive, joyful experiences--also known as a flow state (see my article: What is a Flow State?).

Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work

• Suppression of Reality: People often mistakenly try to push negative emotions under the rug. But natural human experiences, like grief, sadness and frustration, are meant to be felt. Trying to suppress these feelings creates an unstable, exhausting psychological foundation.

• The Achievement Deficit: High achievers frequently replace true life enjoyment with strict struggles to achieve success. They treat hobbies or relaxation as a waste of time, which leaves them feeling empty.

Evolutionary Hurdles

• Survival Over Satisfaction: From an evolutionary standpoint, the human brain didn't evolve to be constantly happy. It evolved to survive, reproduce and scan the environment for threats.

• An Inability to Predict What Will Create Happiness: Researchers have discovered that humans have an inability to accurately predict what will make them feel fulfilled in the long run.

A Shift in Focus
To reduce a sense of discouragement, shift your focus away from direct happiness. Instead aim your focus on meaning, resilience, gratitude and deep emotional connection which can allow contentment to happen naturally.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Peak Experiences?  

A "Happy Life" vs a Meaningful Life 

Becoming Your True Self 

Healing From Moral Injury

Moral injury is the profound psychological, social and spiritual distress that occurs when someone perpetrates, witnesses or fails to prevent acts that violate their deeply held moral beliefs and values.

Healing From Moral Injury

Moral injury was originally studied in military veterans returning from war. Now, it's seen as a widespread phenomenon affecting healthcare workers, first responders and everyday individuals.

The consequences of moral injury is that it has a negative impact on a person's conscience, shatters their sense of self worth and erodes their trust in institutions or leaders. 

What Are Core Causes of Moral Injury?

A moral injury is triggered by a Potentially Morally Injurious Event (PMIE) which usually break down into the following categories:

• Acts of Commission: Doing something that actively violates your moral code (e.g., a soldier either accidentally or following orders to harm civilians in a combat zone).

• Acts of Omission: Failing to act or prevent harm when your ethical compass dictates that you should (e.g., as a bystander you fail to stop an assault).

Healing From Moral Injury

• Betrayal: Witnessing individuals in authority or institutions act against what is moral and just, especially in high stakes situations (e.g., an executive ordering employees to hide serious defects in a product that can do harm to consumers).

• Bearing Witness: Observing atrocities, extreme cruelty or systemic injustices without the power to change the outcome (e.g., care workers or visiting relatives witness bed-bound residents suffering from severe bedsores, malnutrition and prolonged isolation due to corporate understaffing and regulatory failures).

What Are the Symptoms and Manifestations of Moral Injury?

When an individual's ethical boundaries are crossed or when they are placed in a situation where they violate their own moral beliefs and values, it alters their worldview.

Common symptoms include:

• Sustained Guilt and Shame: Feeling a persistent sense of remorse or believing "I am a bad person."

• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from loved ones, peers or community activities due to feeling unworthy or that they will "contaminate" others.

Healing From Moral Injury

• Loss of Trust: An inability to trust authority figures, organizational leadership or systems.

• An Existential or Spiritual Crisis: Questioning long-held religious or spiritual beliefs, faith n a higher power or the fundamental goodness of society.

• Anger and Disillusionment: Directing profound bitterness toward a system or the people that forced an impossible choice.

What is the Difference Between Moral Injury and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?

While moral injury and PTSD often co-occur, they are distinct psychological concepts:

Whereas moral injury is primarily a guilt, shame and values-based condition, PTSD is a mental health condition after experiencing of witnessing a deeply traumatic, terrifying or ife-threanting event or ongoing events. 

Primary Triggers

• Moral Injury: Ethical transgressions or a betrayal of core values

• PTSD: A life threatening, psychological event (or series of events) that overwhelms an individual emotionally and psychologically

Core Emotions

• Moral Injury: Guilt, shame and deep remorse

• PTSD: Fear, horror, helplessness or panic

Biological Impact

• Moral Injury: Identity disintegration (i.e., a shattering of a person's core sense of self, moral identity and personal narrative)

• PTSD: hypervigilance, visual replay (e.g., visual replay, present-moment distortion, flashbacks, body memories and so on) and a heightened startle response

Clinical Status

• Moral Injury: Recognized as a moral problem and clinical focus, but not a separate diagnosis

• PTSD: A formal psychiatric diagnosis

What Are Current Examples of Moral Injury in Everyday Life?

There are many current examples including but not limited to:

• Healthcare Resource Triage: A doctor or nurse is forced to triage care by rationing ventilators or critical ICU bed during a pandemic which, effectively, determines which patients will live and which will die.

• Family and Caregiver Burnout: A family member caring for a relative with severe dementia becomes completely exhausted and places the relative in an understaffed nursing home. This results in a deep sense of abandonment.

• Navigating Marital Separation and Divorce: A parent files for divorce to escape an unhappy marriage, but they experience profound guilt over the emotional distress and disruption caused to their children.

How to Heal From Moral Injury

Since moral injury is a wound of the conscience rather than a fear-based disorder (like PTSD), conventional trauma treatment focused only on anxiety reduction might not be enough.  Recovery requires specialized multi-dimensional support including:

• Meaning Making: Processing the event to contextualize actions within a chaotic or impossible situation.

• Self Forgiveness: Moving away from persistent self punishment and developing self compassion.

Healing From Moral Injury

• Communal Recognition: Speaking the truth to a supportive group of peers who understand the unique pressures of the situation.

• Moral Repair: Engaging in altruistic actions, volunteerism or advocacy work to reaffirm personal values.

• Psychotherapy: Therapy helps to heal moral injury by providing a structured, nonjudgmental place to process guilt and shame, deconstruct impossible standards or responsibility and rebuild a functional moral identity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Play For Adults?

When was the last time you played as an adult just for the fun of it--without a goal or an agenda?

The Benefits of Play For Adults

For most adults, play is usually low on their list of priorities. The older they get, the less playful they become. They are too busy contending with never-ending to do lists and, as adults get older, productivity becomes more important than play. From that perspective, play becomes a "waste of time".

Societal pressures, biological shifts and cognitive changes reshape how they view time and behavior. In addition, the adult brain prioritizes efficiency and survival over exploration and the modern world conditions adults to experience being "unproductive" with guilt.

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Play For Adults?

Despite personal and societal pressures, we now know, based on psychological and neurobiological research, that play and playfulness are beneficial for adults.

The Benefits of Play For Adults

Contemporary studies from organizations, like the National Institute for Play, indicate that adults play is a neurological necessity for optimal cognitive function, stress resilience and optimal well-being.

The key psychological benefits of adult play include:

• Stress Reduction and Better Coping: Research indicates that highly playful adults experience lower levels of perceived stress because play triggers the release of endorphins and dopamine while actively regulating cortisol. Playful adults utilize healthier, adaptive coping mechanisms, including positive reframing, rather than avoidant behaviors.

The Benefits of Play

• Enhanced Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Research has revealed that play directly enhances emotional intelligence and strengthens personal resilience. It can provide a psychological buffer which allows adults to bounce back from adversity and workplace burnout.

• Cognitive Flexibility and Flow States: Play can act as a cognitive refresh by removing pressure and goal-driven thinking. According to research on adult playfulness, engaging in unstructured or mentally challenging play (e.g., puzzles or strategic games) stimulates creative thinking and problem solving. This makes it easier to enter into deeply satisfying flow states (see my article: What is a Flow State?).

• Social Connectedness: Group play, cooperative games and shared laughter foster empathy, trust and intimacy. In addition, structured social play significantly reduces loneliness and social isolation.

How Do Adults Play?

Researchers categorize most adult play into the following categories:

• Active forms - like recreational sports
• Digital play - like video games
• Unstructured hobbies - like painting, playing music or trying a new craft just for the fun of it

How Can You Be More Playful as an Adult?

To reclaim play in your adult life:

• Start By Giving Yourself Permission: For most adults, the biggest barrier is internal. Remind yourself that play isn't frivolous so you can overcome your inner critic who might judge you for "wasting time."

• Start Small: You don't have to go out and join a sports team--unless you want to. You can start small by dancing to your favorite music or coloring in a coloring book. An initial low commitment reduces pressure.

• Get Curious: Find out what you like:
• Do you like games with winners and losers? 
• Do you enjoy making things?
• Do you prefer laughter and silliness?
• Do you like play that involves movement and physical awareness?

• Notice Play in Your Daily Life: Playfulness is a mindset so begin to notice common everyday examples:
• Doodling
• Improvisational cooking
• Daydreaming about fictional scenarios
• Exploring nature
  

Conclusion

When you include play in your life, you realize that life isn't all about being productive or enduring day-to-day challenges. It's also about experiencing joy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

The Joy of Being More Playful 

The Benefits of Laughter For Your Health and Mental Health 

Being Open to New Experiences

11 Ways to Be a More Creative Person 

The Power of Storytelling 

What is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a term used to describe grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly supported. This term was coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, a grief researcher in 1989.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person experiences a significant loss but society, culture or the people around them minimize or deny their right to mourn. 

This often leaves the individual grieving in isolation without traditional mourning rituals, support systems and validation that typically accompanies a recognized loss.

What Are Common Examples of Disenfranchised Loss?

The following examples are typical of disenfranchised loss:

• Unrecognized Relationships:  The connection to the deceased is either hidden or unrecognized. This includes mourning an ex-spouse or former partner, a casual partner, miscarriage or stillbirth, a secret lover, an LGBTQ+ when the relationship isn't publicly known.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Unrecognized Losses: The loss is viewed as minor or as not deserving of deep grief.  This includes: a miscarriage, the loss of a pet and non-death losses such as a breakup, loss of a job or a loved one with cognitive decline due to Alzheimer's (see my article: Coping With Ambiguous Loss).

Disenfranchised Grief

• Stigmatized Loss: The circumstances surrounding the death involve social judgment, which causes survivors to hide their emotional pain. Examples include deaths involving suicide, substance abuse overdose or criminal contexts.

• Disenfranchised Grievers: Many people often mistakenly assume that certain individuals lack either the capacity or need to grieve. This includes young children, the elderly or individuals with cognitive or developmental disabilities.

• Unconventional Grieving Styles: A person's outward expression of grief doesn't always match cultural expectations. This might include: Showing no visible emotion, using humor or grieving much longer than some people think is appropriate.

What is the Impact of Hidden Grief?

Since this type of grief goes unrecognized by others, it can create certain mental health challenges for the individual experiencing the grief including:

• Intense Isolation: Without the usual emotional support and rituals of grief, the individual who is experiencing the grief carries the weight of the grief on their own.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Self Doubt and Shame: Grievers often internalize the lack of validation. This often causes grievers to question whether their feelings are "wrong", "dramatic" or inappropriate.

• Prolonged or Complicated Grief: When grievers can't process loss openly, the pain frequently persists longer and evolve into clinical complications (see my article: Coping With Complicated Grief.

What Are Strategies For Healing?

Coping with disenfranchised grief requires alternative ways to validate your experience:

• Name Your Grief: Recognizing that your grief is a legitimate response to a real loss is an essential part of healing.

• Give Yourself Permission to Feel All Your Feelings: Grief often comes in waves so it's not a linear process. Disenfranchised grief can be particularly intense due to your isolated state and the lack of empathy from others. You might feel emotionally numb, sad, hopeless, hopeful, angry, alone, relieved, overwhelmed, anxious, curious and many other emotions.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Create Personal Rituals: If you're unable to have a formal ceremony, create your own. This can involve planting a tree, writing letters, creating a private memorial space in your home or whatever feels meaningful to you. You can also write in a journal to express all your feelings about the loss (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

Getting help in therapy for disenfranchised grief counteracts the isolation of an unacknowledged loss and it can prevent the development of more complex mental health problems and emotional stagnation.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional who can witness your pain and help you to work through grief.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents 

You Continue to Have An Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Die 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy?

I've written prior articles about IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, a gentle evidence based trauma therapy, in the past (see links for articles at this end of this article).

What is Somatic IFS Therapy?

Somatic IFS therapy is an integrative approach that combines the "parts work" of traditional IFS with body-centered somatic therapy.

Somatic IFS Therapy

Somatic IFS was developed by IFS trainer, Susan McConnell, who also wrote the book, Somatic Internal Family Systems.

This modality is based on the premise that psychological wounds, trauma and subpersonalities (parts) don't just live in the mind--they are physically stored in the nervous system, tissues and postures.

Somatic IFS Therapy as Mind-Body Parts Work

Traditional IFS sees the human psyche as a system of distinct subpersonalities (e.g., inner children, managers and protectors) led by a compassionate Core Self. 

Although traditional IFS does use the mind-body connection, it relies mostly on cognitive dialog to interact with these parts. Somatic IFS really emphasizes the body in this dialog.

The basic assumptions of Somatic IFS include:

• Parts Are Embodied: An anxious protector might manifest as a tight jaw or restricted breathing. Similarly, a deeply wounded exile (wounded part of oneself) might show up as chronic fatigue or a collapsed posture.

• The Core Self is Embodied: Genuine healing comes from an embodied Core Self where a person doesn't just think from a place of curiosity and compassion--they feel physically grounded and safe within their own skin.

What Are the 5 Core Practices of Somatic IFS Therapy?

Somatic IFS uses five distinct structured practices to bridge the gap between mind and body:

• Somatic Awareness: The foundational step in Somatic IFS is from having a body to being a body--noticing physical sensations, interoceptive cues and internal stories (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)

Somatic IFS Therapy

• Conscious Breathing: Somatic IFS uses specific breathwork techniques to regulate the nervous system, soothe hyperactive parts and safely access buried emotional pain (these parts are called "exiles" in IFS).

• Radical Resonance: Somatic IFS develops awareness of the energetic relational space between the client and the therapist. This allows the IFS therapist's regulated nervous system to help co-regulate the client. 

• Mindful Movement: Somatic IFS invites micro-movements, which are changes in posture or expressive stretching to let a nonverbal part of the client express itself physically its needs, incomplete survival defenses or release physically burdens held by the parts.

• Attuned Touch: Somatic IFS therapy encourages the client to comfort wounded parts through touch/grounding hand placement. This also allows the client to use their hand to facilitate a felt sense of safety.

Somatic IFS Therapy and the Nervous System

Somatic IFS is effective for conditions rooted in the nervous system because it goes beyond intellectual analysis and intellectual insight. 

Somatic IFS is used for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic trauma, anxiety, complex trauma, preveral trauma and other nervou system related mind-body oriented problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT therapist (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks? 

How IFS Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

 

How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.