Overcoming Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

This article focuses on philophobia (a fear of falling in love) and how you can overcome this debilitating fear (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love). 

What is Philophobia?

The word philophobia comes from Greek. Philos means loving and phobos is fear.

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

Philophobia, which is a type of phobia, is not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the manual used by psychotherapists to diagnose mental health disorders. However, the term philophobia describes a dynamic that therapists often see in clients who have experienced trauma or a history of difficult relationships.

People who suffer with philophobia often have a fear of being in a relationship or being able to maintain a relationship.

Fear of falling in love exists on a continuum.  Some people go through temporary periods in their lives when they feel too emotionally vulnerable to allow themselves to be open to love.

This temporary fear can occur after a traumatic breakup or another traumatic experience that creates fear of vulnerability. Over time, often with the help in therapy and a wish to overcome the loneliness, these people can overcome their fear so they can open up to the possibility of love

Other people, who have a more intense fear of falling in love, have difficulty even allowing themselves to meet potential romantic partners. They might even tell themselves they want to be "independent," which is often a pseudo independeance, so they live lonely and isolated lives (ee my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy and Emotional Connection).

Note: Philophobia is different from people who aromantic, which means they experience little to no romantic feelings for others.

What Causes Philophobia?

Fear of falling in love can have many potential causes including (but not limited to):

• Traumatic Childhood Experiences: This can include a family history of feeling unlovable or experiencing emotional neglect as a child. It can also include a family history where a child's normal need for love and emotional nurturance was shamed by parents who were also fearful of emotional vulnerability (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in Adult Romantic Relationships).

• Previous Difficult Romantic Relationships: People who have a history of difficult or traumatic romantic relationships can develop a fear of allowing themselves to trust and open up to love again. This is often related to having early experiences in childhood where they felt unloved so that they continue to unconsciously choose people who will disappoint or abandon them.

• Cultural Pressure: People who are part of cultures that favor marriage at a young age with the focus on practicality and less of a focus on love can develop a fear of the emotional vulnerability involved with falling in love.  Also people who are different from their mainstream culture (e.g., LGBTQ+) often feel pressure to conform to cultural norms because they don't want to be shunned by their family, cultural or religious group.

What Are Common Signs of Philophobia?

The signs related to philophobia can be different for different people, however there are certain common telltale signs including (but not limited to):

• Persistent fear of love that lasts approximately six months or longer

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

• Intense anxiety or fear of emotional vulnerability in a relationship

• Intense anxiety or fear which make someone fearful of giving or receiving love

• Symptoms interfere with someone's ability to enter into and/or maintain a relationship

What Are Potential Complications to Philophobia?

Living a lonely and isolated life can have serious physical and mental health repercussions including (but not limited to):

• Anxiety

• Panic Attacks

• Complex Trauma or PTSD

• Depression

• Insomnia

• Erectile Dysfunction

• Substance Misuse and other addictive or compulsive disorders

• Other Chronic Health Problems

How to Overcome Philophobia?

As mentioned above, philophobia develops from a difficult and often traumatic history.

Overcoming philophobia involves getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist and who can help you to manage your current symptoms as well as get to the root of your problem.

There are various forms of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

• Other Types of Experiential Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

There are many people who live their whole lives with philophobia and never get help. They often live lonely and isolated lives which they regret at the end of their lives.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome your fear so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

If you have ever used dating apps to meet people, you know you can meet many different people before you meet someone you really like.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always mutual. 

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

You might be interested in someone who really wants to be with someone else and vice versa.  

This isn't unusual. But if you find that your pattern is to see people who make you their "backup plan," you might want to rethink your dating patterns.

What is a Backup Plan in Dating and Relationships?

A backup plan is considered a second choice.  It happens when someone really wants to be with someone else but, for whatever reason, they can't be, so they choose someone who is their second choice.

Another possible scenario is that the person you like doesn't have someone in particular in mind, but they're keeping you around as a placeholder until they meet the person they want to be with.

If you want to get into a serious relationship, you don't want to be anyone's backup plan or placeholder while they're waiting for someone else.

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In a prior article, What You Resist Persists, I discussed how resisting what you don't like about yourself only makes it stronger.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In the current article, I'm focusing on how to make friends with your inner critic.

What is Your Inner Critic?

As I mentioned in Overcoming the Inner Critic, no one is born with an inner critic. It usually develops at a young age.

Children internalize the negative messages they receive from their parents and other authority figures in their life.  

Most of the time, these messages aren't meant to be damaging, but they might be delivered in a harsh or punitive way and they are internalized by the child as meaning there's something wrong with them.

How the Inner Critic Develops

For instance, many well-meaning parents think they're motivating their children by comparing them unfavorably to older siblings, "Why can't you be more like your older brother? He gets all A's in school. Why can't you get all A's?"

Instead of motivating children, this kind of message gets internalized as "I'm not good enough" or "My parents don't love me as much as they love my older brother."

If children hear these kinds of messages repeatedly, they develop an inner critic who acts like a bully and who continues to give them negative messages about themselves even after they become adults.

Why Would You Want to Befriend Your Inner Critic?

When most people encounter a negative thought or feeling, their first inclination is to push it away because it's so unpleasant and emotionally challenging.

While this reaction is understandable, the problem is that, as I mentioned in an earlier article, even though you might be able to temporarily push away negative thoughts or feelings, you will only strengthen these feelings over time by trying to suppress them.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, the inner critic isn't trying to harm you--it's trying to protect you from harm.  

In other words, from the perspective of the inner critic, its intent is defensive. Just like parents might have thought they were being helpful by comparing their child to a more accomplished older sibling, the inner critic is trying, in a maladaptive way, to help you.  

So, for example, your inner critic might tell you, "You're too dumb to apply for college so don't even think about it" or "You're not good enough to audition for that play, so don't even try."

From the inner critic's perspective, it's trying to protect you from being disappointed or humiliated, but it's going about it all wrong.  Instead of protecting you, the inner critic crushes your spirit.

Since the inner critic is a part of you, you can't just get rid of it, but you can develop a dialog with it to acknowledge its good intention and then gently ask it to step aside.

How Can You Make Friends With Your Inner Critic?

• Acknowledge and Accept That Your Inner Critic is a Part of You: Since resisting and suppressing your inner critic only makes it stronger, you can start by acknowledging and accepting that your inner critic as a part of you now--regardless of how it first developed. At the same time, remember that your thoughts and feelings aren't facts no matter how strong they are and how often they occur. Accept your inner critic and, at the same time, don't give it power.

Acceptance and Self Compassion

• Differentiate Your True Self From Your Inner Critic: After you have acknowledged and accepted that your inner critic is a part of you, you become aware that it's only one part of you. It's not all of you who are. There is a deeper part of you, which some people call your true self or, as it's called in Parts Work, your core self (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).  According to the Internal Family System (IFS), one of many Parts Work models, your core self is the part of you that is:

• Curious
• Creative
• 'Calm
• Confident
• Clear
• Connected

• Practice Self Compassion
• The inner critic is often a young part of you that holds unresolved trauma. Rather than criticizing or suppressing the inner critic, show self compassion. When you practice self compassion, the inner critic tends to soften. So, when you get negative messages from your inner critic like, "You don't know what you're doing. You're a failure," respond with kindness by telling yourself, "I'm worthy of love and compassion and I'm doing the best I can."  Then, gently ask the inner critic to step aside.

Get Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often shows up in the form of an inner critic.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history allows you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and, as a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

, 

Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle In Your Relationship

In my prior article, I focused on people who have an anxious attachment style in their relationship. 

In today's article, I'm focusing on people who have an avoidant attachment style from an Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) perspective.

An Avoidant Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As I mentioned in the prior article, approximately 80% of couples have the anxious-avoidant attachment style dynamic in their relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

People with an avoidant attachment style might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• Withdrawing emotionally during a conflict

• Behaving in a disdainful way towards a partner who shows emotion

• Appearing to be distant or aloof

• Giving their partner the "silent treatment" (also known as stonewalling)

• Seeing themselves as independent and self-sufficient (as part of a defense mechanism)

How to Overcome the Negative Cycle in an Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

As I mentioned in my previous article, each partner, regardless of their attachment style, can learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

• Creating an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle, seek help from a licensed mental health professional, who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In prior articles, I've discussed breaking the negative cycle in a relationship from an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? and Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on becoming aware of an anxious attachment style so you and your partner can break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Approximately 80% of people with an anxious attachment style get into relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, so in future articles, I'll focus on the avoidant attachment style.

Characteristics of an Anxious Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

To their credit, people who have an anxious attachment style are usually the ones who take action to try to solve relationship problems. 

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

They're usually the ones in a relationship to point out when there's a problem and they're often proactive about trying to find a solution to relationship problems when their more avoidant partner might want to avoid, dismiss or deflect the problems.

Many people with an anxious attachment style also tend to engage in counterproductive behavior in a desperate attempt to be heard by their partner, including:

• Blaming their partner

• Protesting to their partner

• Criticizing and accusing their partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

If you have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, you might recognize some or all of these behaviors.  

You might also realize that, if you have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style, when you blame, protest, criticize and accuse them, they withdraw even further.  

Their withdrawal probably makes you feel even more anxious, so you blame, protest, criticize and accuse even more, which makes your partner withdraw even more, and this becomes the negative cycle in your relationship.

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As a couples therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, I understand that this is your way of trying to get your partner to acknowledge your pain, create change and seek closeness.  But perpetuating the negative cycle doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  

Each partner, regardless of their attachment style, needs to learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

• Doing your part, together with your partner, to create an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Also see my article: Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to perpetuate the negative cycle in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.