Relationships: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

I'm continuing a discussion in this article that I started in my prior article about relationships based on Dr. Stephen A. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?.

Integrating Love and Sexual Desire in a Relationship

Togetherness in a Relationship vs. the Need for Autonomy

While it's true that sexual passion often wanes somewhat over time in a long term relationship, people who experience a split in their feelings between love and desire are often in conflict about their need for emotional closeness vs. individual autonomy in the same relationship.  

Psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm addressed this paradox in his book, The Art of Loving, which was published in 1956 as follows: Love longs for closeness and sexual desire thrives on distance.

Similarly, relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, Ph.D. wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity, published in 2017, "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other." 

Esther Perel addresses this paradox in relationships as follows: Emotional intimacy builds trust and security in the relationship, but as intimacy grows, sexual desire often wanes for many couples.

According to Dr. Perel, who cites Stephen Mitchell's work as well as her vast experience with couples, the couple's need for togetherness coexists with their need for autonomy.  If there is too much distance, the couple sacrifices connection. But if there's too much togetherness, this gets in the way of each person having their own autonomy. 

There is also no way to achieve connection between individuals in a relationship if they are too close--to the point of fusion--because there is no one with whom to connect. Therefore, in order for there to be a connection, there needs to be some psychological distance within the closeness of the relationship. This allows each person to be autonomous at the same time they are close and connected in a relationship together.

Although love thrives on closeness, according to Dr. Perel, sexual desire thrives on mystery and novelty.  In addition, she posits that love is about "having" and desire is about "wanting" (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in Your Relationship, Fire Needs Air).

This means that each individual in the relationship needs to develop themselves as individuals rather than focusing on eliminating any distance to quell feelings of insecurity or fear of being alone (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is based on a composite of many cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the dilemma of negotiating closeness and psychological distance in a relationship:

Nan and Bill

When Nan and Bill, who were in their mid-30s, started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist, they had been together for two years (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples also known as EFT?).

Their presenting problem was that they were talking about moving in together, but they were in conflict about how much time to spend together, which was getting in the way of Nan moving in with Bill.

Nan explained to their couples therapist that when they started seeing each other, they were both excited to spend several days during the week together.  Everything was new and exciting for the first few months, Nan explained.  But by the time they were together for eight months, Bill was complaining that he didn't get to spend any time with his buddies or engage in his hobbies.  He wanted to cut back on some of the time they spent together, which hurt Nan's feelings (see my article: Compromising on Time Together vs Time Apart in Your Relationship).

In addition, Bill revealed in couples therapy that these issues affected their sex life. Specifically, he felt he and Nan spent so much time together that he didn't feel as sexually aroused with her, which he felt badly about, but he wanted to bring this up in their session.  

Although it was hurtful for Nan to hear Bill say this, she acknowledged that she realized how all their time together was impacting their sex life.  She said she wanted to improve their sex life, but she was fearful of spending less time together because it made her feel insecure about the relationship.

Nan told their couples therapist that she liked spending as much time as possible with Bill, and she couldn't understand why he felt the need to spend time with his friends because she didn't feel the need to spend time with her friends.

Bill acknowledged that he felt excited about their relationship during the first several months when they were getting to know each other.  But, he explained, he was feeling stifled by Nan because he wanted to spend time with his buddies and also work on his hobbies.  He emphasized that he loved Nan and he hoped they could build a life together, but he needed time to himself, which Nan didn't seem to need.

Although she felt embarrassed to say this in their couples therapy session, Nan admitted that when Bill mentioned he wanted to spend time with his friends, her first thought was that this would be less time spent with her.  She said she didn't want to be selfish, but she wanted Bill to understand how she felt.

Over time, Nan revealed that she was in a similar situation as the middle child in her family where she felt her older and younger sisters got most of her parents' attention.  She realized that her experience in her family was impacting how she felt in her relationship, so Nan entered into her own individual therapy to work on these earlier issues (see my article: When a Traumatic Past Affects You in the Present).

As Nan learned how to separate the past from the present and she no longer felt triggered by Bill spending time with friends or engaging in his hobbies, she felt more comfortable with Bill having more autonomy.  She also recognized that she was neglecting her friendships, so she spent more time with friends.  

Both of them agreed that when they had other experiences and interests away from each other, they each brought something new to the relationship, which rekindled their sex life.  Soon after that, they moved in together and they remained committed to their relationship as well as to developing as individuals.

Conclusion

Balancing closeness and autonomy in a committed relationship can be challenging.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, couples can learn to negotiate this balance.

Achieving the right balance of being together and being autonomous requires a recognition of the paradox outlined in this article. It also involves practice to see what works best for your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Balancing the need for emotional closeness with the need for autonomy for each individual can be especially challenging when the individuals in the relationship don't agree about the amount of closeness and autonomy needed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to negotiate the balance that's right for your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today

In his book, Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time, psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell posits that the Madonna-Whore Complex is still alive and well for many heterosexual men more than 200 years after Sigmund Freud identified this complex. Specifically, men who experience women in terms of the Madonna-Whore Complex either see a woman as being lovable or erotic, but not both.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud initially identified this complex in a 1912 paper he wrote whose title is translated as "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life." 

According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows:  Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.  

So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.

In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.  

Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.

If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring.  Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.

Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love

Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.

Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.

In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love.  Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.

Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby.  Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.

The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women).  These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women.  Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."

The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.  

After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.

Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.

The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships

The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.  

Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.

So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.

The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).

Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure 

Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.

A Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and Adventure

For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband.  This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.  

This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship.  To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.

With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.

It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women.  Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.

It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How You and Your Partner Can Get on the Same Page About Your Relationship

This is the third article in a series about the topic of getting on the same page with your partner (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page? and Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).  

How to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

If you want your relationship to succeed, you and your partner need to get on the same wavelength, if possible.  I say "if possible" because sometimes each individual's needs are so different that they can't get on the same page.  

In that case, it's better to acknowledge this and end the relationship. But assuming that each person's needs aren't so divergent, there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.

5 Steps to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

Although these steps are presented as 5 steps, each of these steps can be challenging:

• Eliminate Unhealthy Patterns of Communicating: Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman coined a phrase called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which describes four unhealthy patterns that often lead to the demise of relationships. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Improve Communication: Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse).

• Develop Healthy Patterns of Communicating: Develop active listening skills (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening Skills for a detailed explanation of what active listening is and how to do it.)

• Set Short Term and Long Term Relationship Goals: Relationship goals are important. A short term goal might be how you'll solve a relatively simple problem in your relationship. Long term goals could include having children, buying a home, and so on. Talking about your relationship goals will probably involve some compromise, as long as you don't compromise things you know are essential to your well-being. Your short term goals will probably also include interim steps to take towards your long term goals (see my articles: 7 Tips For Creating Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship and 10 Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship).

• Develop Trust and Respect For Each Other: Trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Just like a building won't stand without a good foundation, a relationship won't last without the healthy foundation of trust and respect.  In some relationships where there has been infidelity or some other form of betrayal, if the couple decides they want to stay together, they need to build back trust. This can take a long time, and there are times when, despite each person's best efforts, too much damage has been done and trust can't be rebuilt. But assuming the partner who created the mistrust does the work to actually change, a couple can rebuild trust and respect (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

• Learn to Compromise But Not Self Sacrifice: As previously mentioned, compromise is an essential part of any relationship--as long as you know what you need for your well-being and you're not sacrificing things that are essential to you (see my article: Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing?)

Seek Help in Therapy

Although I summarized these five steps in one article, as previously mentioned, taking these steps aren't easy.

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you and your partner encounter obstacles that you can't overcome on your own.  

When you encounter obstacles, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with relationship problems.  

In couples therapy, you'll both learn valuable skills so you can have a healthy and happy relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Your Relationship

In my previous article, I discussed why it's important for you and your partner to be on the same wavelength in your relationship.  I also talked about the many different relationship choices these days, and the consequences of having divert needs on major relationship issues.  In this article I'll be discussing the telltale signs you're not on the same page (see my article: Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page

Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page

The following list might indicate that you and your partner aren't on the same wavelength with regard to your relationship:

• Less Emotional and Sexual Intimacy: When you're not happy in your relationship because you and your partner aren't in agreement about what you each want, you might feel disconnected from your partner which could lead to a reduction in emotional and sexual intimacy or you feel like you're just going through the motions (see my article: What's the Difference Between Sexual and Emotional Intimacy?).

• Arguments About Time Apart vs Time Together: If one of you wants to spend more time together than the other, you could be having more arguments about this. Often the person who wants to spend more time together feels rejected and abandoned by the partner--even though this might not be the case. It might just be that one partner needs more alone time to recharge (see my article: Learning to Compromise in Your Relationship About Spending Time Apart vs Time Together).

• Arguments About How You Spend Your Time When You're Not Together: If one or both people are feeling insecure about the relationship because they don't know where it's going, they might argue about how much time you spend with friends, hobbies or at work. 

• Discussions About Life Decisions Are Avoided: You and your partner aren't talking about long term relationships goals because you don't have a common understanding about the direction of the relationship, so you avoid dealing with these issues. This avoidance, in turn, creates more tension and misunderstandings (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

• Arguments About Money: If you're not discussing relationship goals, you won't know how to prioritize decisions about money, e.g., buying a house, saving for a vacation, and so on (see my article: Arguing About Money in Your Relationship).

• Arguments About Flirting With Others: As mentioned in the prior article, there are so many different types of relationships (monogamous, monogamish, open relationships, etc), so if you each have a different understanding about how you define your relationship, you might argue about how your partner is interacting with other people, including being overly flirtatious.  If you're feeling insecure, even if your partner has no intention of being with anyone else, you might engage in "mate guarding," which can create even more tension in your relationship (see my articles: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Family Events Are a Problem: If you and your partner aren't on the same page about the type of relationship you each want, you might find family gatherings become problematic because you don't go to your partner's family events and/or your partner doesn't go to your family events. This can create tension for significant events like parents' birthdays or holidays. Even though some family events might not be fun, if you're in a serious relationship, you're there to support one another.  You also might end up making excuses to your family about why your partner isn't there.

• Boundaries Aren't Respected: Whether it's emotional, sexual or other physical boundaries, it's hard to know what the boundaries are when you and your partner aren't in agreement.  If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, but your partner wants an open relationship that includes sexual and/or emotional intimacy with others, you or your partner are bound to get hurt and disappointed.

• A One-Sided Relationship: If you feel you're making most of the effort in your relationship so that your relationship feels one sided, you're going to feel resentful and disappointed. Another sign of a one-sided relationship is when your partner talks about something the two of you did together and instead of saying "we," they tend to say "I."

• Frequent Misunderstandings About Your Partner: If you feel like you don't know your partner anymore, you could be experiencing a sign that you're not on the same wavelength anymore (or maybe you never were). You might be growing apart because you have divert views about what you want in the relationship.

• Together But Feeling Alone: When a couple isn't on the same page about the relationship, one or both of them can feel like they're alone even though they're physically together. If you're with your partner but you feel lonely, this is another indication of being disconnected from one another (see my article: Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship?).

The items listed above aren't exhaustive, so there might be other telltale signs that you detect with your partner.

In a future article, I'll provide a clinical vignette and discuss how you can try to resolve these issues.

Getting Help in Therapy

Just because you and your partner aren't on the same wavelength doesn't necessarily mean you can't get there.  Sometimes you just need help.

These kinds of problems usually don't get better by themselves, and if you don't know what to do, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover what you want, how to communicate your needs and how to work out a possible compromise.

So take the first step of contacting a licensed mental health professional so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?

It's not unusual for people to enter into a new relationship without discussing what they each want.  Instead, each of them assumes that what they want is what their partner wants.  As a result, a few weeks or months into the relationship they're surprised to discover that they both want a different type of relationship (see my article: Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength?).

Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page?

Differences Between You and Your Partner Can Be Complicated

When you think about all the possible differences between people--wants and needs, personalities, family histories, cultures and religions, experiences in prior relationships--you can see why there would be misunderstandings if the couple doesn't talk about what they want before they enter into the relationship.

One person might have come from a family where they observed their parents in a happy monogamous relationship and this is what they envision for themselves. The other person might have come from a single parent home where they didn't see their parent in a relationship at all.  Another person might have witnessed two parents that were emotionally estranged.

Similarly, someone from a traditional culture or religion might not have much experience dating or being in a relationship so they're unclear as to what they want.  They might not even be sure if they want to be in a relationship, while their partner, who has a lot of relationship experience, might be ready to be part of a committed relationship.

New Relationship Energy at the Beginning of a Relationship

New relationship energy (NRE) is a state of mind at the beginning of a relationship. 

When you first start seeing someone new that you really like, it's easy to get caught up in that heady NRE where you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing could possibly go wrong.  

Everything is new, the sexual chemistry is probably strong, and you have so many other things to talk about because you're getting to know each other.  

While NRE is usually thought of as being desirable at the start of a relationship, the heady feelings involved can also distort how you perceive your partner or the potential for a satisfying relationship with this person.

If, in addition to NRE, you also bypass the step where you have a discussion about what you each want, you and your partner can feel disappointed later on when you realize you're not on the same page and you want different things.

Alternatives to Monogamy

In addition to the ambiguity of a new relationship, there are so many alternatives to a monogamous relationship, which could include (but are not limited to):

• Monogamish: A term coined by Dan Savage where the couple is mostly monogamous, but they allow for an occasional outside sex partner where there are no intended romantic feelings (although emotional attachments can develop even if both people don't intend for it to happen).

• Open Relationship: There are variations in open relationships, but open relationships usually mean that the couple considers themselves to be the main partners, but they also see other people, often for sex with no intended emotional connection (although, once again, unintended emotional connections can develop).

• Polyamorous: This is a form of consensual non-monogamy where each person sees other people outside the relationship and these other relationships might or might not be sexual and might or might not involve emotional attachment, depending upon what the couple has negotiated with each other. 

• Friends with Benefits (FWB): This is another category that has variations depending upon what each person wants. Sometimes FWB can start between two people who are friends but who also have a sexual attraction to each other. FWB can be for a limited duration or it can be ongoing for years. Sometimes the two people go back to being friends after they stop being sexual or when one or both enter into a more committed relationship with someone else, and sometimes they end the friendship altogether (see my article: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits).

• Swinging: There is a lot of variety in this category which often brings to mind "wife swapping" and "key parties" from the 1970s. But the term actually covers a broad spectrum. Some couples who are swingers only engage in sexual activities together with a specific group of people and other couples each go off on their own individually to have sex with other people.  Swinging usually implies that there aren't intended emotional connections with other people outside the main relationship but, as in any type of relationship, emotional attachments can form.

You and Your Partner Need to Communicate

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can develop if the two of you haven't defined your relationship from the start.

So, for instance, if you think you're in a monogamous relationship, but your partner assumes that the two of you are "monogamish," there can be serious consequences which lead to a breakup.

In upcoming articles, I'll discuss the signs that can alert you that you and your partner aren't on the same page and how to fix this problem (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).

Getting Help in Therapy

Relationships are much more complicated these days than they were in your parents' time with many more choices.  It's not enough to love each other and just hope that your relationship will work out.

Knowing what you want and communicating it to your partner is important if you want to have a happy relationship. But this is often hard to do because people don't always know how to do it.

Whether you seek assistance individually or in couples therapy, you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional help if you're struggling with these issues.  

So, rather than struggling alone, get help from a licensed mental health practitioner so you can have a healthy relationship.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover what you want and learn how to communicate effectively with your partner.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You Clinging to Unrealistic Expectations in Your Relationship?

In my previous article, Moving Beyond Blaming Your Parents, I discussed how remaining stuck in a blaming attitude towards your parents about your childhood is counterproductive in the long run to resolving your problems as an adult because it keeps you clinging to your past and, in many circumstances, unrealistic expectations.  In much the same way, clinging to unrealistic expectations in a relationship can keep you stuck and continually disappointed (see my article: Unrealistic Expectations Can Lead to Great Disappointment).

Clinging to Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship

How Do You Know If Your Expectations of Your Partner Are Unrealistic?

People often tell you, either directly or indirectly, what you can expect of them. Usually the problem is that your wish for things to be different overrides the information you're getting from your partner. If your wish is so strong that you overlook the reality of your situation, you can remain stuck trying to change them even though they can't or won't change (see my article: 10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Partner Doesn't Work).

If you're not listening or observing what your partner is communicating, you're doing yourself and your partner a big disservice (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

Clinical Vignette: Clinging to Unrealistic Expectations in Your Relationship

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases without any identifying information about any particular clients:

Ella

Ella and Jim were both in their mid-30s.  Two months into dating Jim, Ella felt frustrated that he called and texted her once every few days.  She expected him to contact her at least once a day so she felt neglected by him.

When she spoke to Jim about this, he told her that he wanted to keep things between them casual, which disappointed Ella even more.  In addition, he mentioned that he didn't consider them to be in a relationship, and even when he was in a relationship, he didn't like feeling  obligated to contact his partner every day because he was busy and focused primarily on his career and hobbies.  He told her that his partners have never been his priority.

After their talk, Ella felt disappointed.  She talked about this at her next therapy session.  In response, her therapist reminded her that she tended to choose narcissistic men who were self absorbed and that she and Jim wanted different things from each other.  She asked Ella why she remained with Jim if he continually disappointed her.  

Ella responded that she wanted to be in a relationship with Jim, and she was sure she could convince him eventually to spend more time with her.

Knowing Ella's family history and her prior history in other relationships, Ella's therapist pointed out that she was continuing to repeat the same pattern she had with her father.

She reminded Ella that when she was a child, she had the same feeling--if only she could make her father see that she was "good enough," he would pay more attention to her, but that dynamic with her father never changed.  

Two weeks later, Ella came in to therapy looking miserable.  She told her therapist that Jim told her he didn't want to see her anymore because she was "too needy."  She said she tried to convince him that they could work things out, but Jim wasn't interested.

Ella began ruminating about how to get Jim back, but her therapist interrupted her rumination by pointing out to her that even though it was clear that Jim didn't want to see her, Ella felt compelled to change his mind. Her therapist asked Ella to get curious about this.

When Ella calmed down, she conceded that she was obsessing about Jim.  She said that on an intellectual level, she knew he wasn't right for her but, on an emotional level, she felt compelled to get him back--even though he wasn't willing to give her what she wanted. She also conceded that her expectations of Jim were unrealistic.

Prior to her breakup with Jim, Ella refused to work on the childhood issues related to her father's emotional neglect of her.  She only wanted to talk about the present, but two weeks after the breakup, Ella felt ready to work on her traumatic childhood experiences and to integrate what she knew intellectually with what she felt emotionally.  

She realized that, unless she worked on the unresolved trauma, she would continue to be susceptible to falling for other narcissistic men like Jim.  She also knew that, even if she was in a healthy relationship, she might still get triggered whenever she feared her partner might lose interest in her.

Her therapist used Parts Work, which is also known as Ego States work, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and other names.  Parts Work helped Ella to access the child part of her, which contained the unresolved childhood trauma, as well as the adult part, which could serve as a protective, compassionate figure to the child part (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You). 

Over time, through Parts Work, Ella developed a more psychologically integrated experience with an integration of what she knew intellectually and what she felt emotionally so there was no longer a split.  The adult part of herself was able to soothe the child part so that, gradually, she healed from her childhood trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although clinging to unrealistic expectations in familial or romantic relationships can be painful, many people don't know how to stop because this dynamic is usually a repetition of an unresolved trauma.  

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the unresolved trauma that's impacting you in the present (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you're free from your traumatic history, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I help clients overcome trauma.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Moving Beyond Blaming Your Parents in Therapy

Many people think that contemporary psychotherapy is all about blaming your mother or blaming both of your parents for your unresolved problems, but this is an outdated view of therapy that is part of the many myths about modern psychotherapy (see my articles debunking common myths about contemporary psychotherapy, including the myths that Going to Therapy Means You're Weak, Psychotherapy is "All Talk and No Action," and Psychotherapy Always Takes a Long Time).

Moving Beyond Blaming Your Parents in Therapy

While it's true that historically traditional psychoanalysis from a generation ago focused blame on parents, especially mothers, most contemporary psychotherapists have moved beyond that.

Most contemporary psychotherapists know that while it's important to understand how problems might have developed early on, they also know that if that's all therapy has to offer, clients will remain stuck in an angry, frustrated place and change will be difficult at best.

Developmentally, our perspective about our parents usually changes over time (see my article: How Your Perspective About Your Parents Changes Over Time).

While many young children see their parents as being wise and powerful, as these children get older they begin to see their parents in a more realistic way.  They recognize that their parents have their own problems, which might be intergenerational (see my article: Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).  

This isn't to say that some parents weren't emotionally and physically abusive to their children which created trauma. But, after recognizing the origin of their problems, which might also include genetics, temperament, and other important relationships, clients need to be assisted in therapy to move beyond blaming their parents so they can make progress in therapy.

How to Move Beyond Blaming Your Parents For Your Problems

Everyone's situation is different, and I don't know your particular situation or your personal history.  

While you might have good reason for being angry with your parents for things they did (or didn't do), at the same time, this can't be the where your development in therapy stops if you want to overcome your problems because, as previously mentioned, you'll get stuck blaming your parents and not taking steps to overcome your problems.

After you process your anger in therapy towards your parents (or someone else), you need to move beyond that stage to actually process your problems because your parents can't do it for you.

Processing the trauma is how you will heal. Depending upon your individual problems and what therapy might work best for. you, therapy could include the following forms of experiential therapy:

• Parts Work: This form of therapy, which has many different names, including Ego States work, Internal Family Systems (IFS), as well other names. It was developed by many different therapists over time, including Dr. Richard Schwartz.  It involves recognizing that we're all made up of a multiplicity of selves, which includes a child part as well as an adult part, and many other parts. So, to give just one example of how this type of therapy can be used, if you grew up in a home where you were emotionally neglected, a Parts Work therapist can help you to develop a more nurturing adult part so that you can nurture the child part of you that holds the trauma. With this type of therapy, there's a recognition that you mihjt not have gotten what you needed emotionally when you were a child, but you can always give it to yourself if you learn how to do it (see my article: Understanding the Many Aspects of Yourself).

• EMDR Therapy: EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, was developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro.  It helps you to reprocess unresolved trauma, including unresolved childhood trauma, also known as developmental trauma, through a process called memory reconsolidation (see my article: Experiential Therapy, like EMDR, Helps You to Achieve Breakthroughs to Overcome Trauma).

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (also known as AEDP): AEDP, which was developed by Dr. Diana Fosha, to help clients overcome trauma. It's based on many different disciplines, including:

• attachment theory
• affective neuroscience
• trauma research
• developmental research 
• mind-body/somatic therapy
• emotion theory
• phenomonology 
• transformational studies

• Somatic Experiencing (also known as SE): SE, which was developed by Dr. Peter Levine, takes into account that trauma is stored in the body.  This often leads to emotional numbing also known as dissociation. SE can help clients to release the trauma and help them to feel more integrated emotionally and physically.

• Clinical Hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy): Clinical hypnosis helps clients to achieve a relaxed state where they can have access to deeper, unconscious material and that can help clients to become more open to change.

• Integrative Psychotherapy: Many experiential therapists work in a way that integrates the different types of therapies mentioned above, which is often beneficial for clients (see my articles: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy and Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

It's not unusual for experiential therapists to use the different modalities mentioned above during different stages of therapy, depending upon what the client needs.  

For instance, in my prior article, where I discussed that clients aren't defined by their psychological trauma, I gave an example in the clinical scenario where the therapist started with Parts Work and then used EMDR therapy.

Conclusion

Unlike outmoded forms of psychotherapy from a century ago, contemporary psychotherapy recognizes that if clients don't move beyond the stage of blaming their parents, they will remain stuck with their problems.  

Experiential therapy, including EMDR, Parts Work AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis provide clients with an opportunity to work through unresolved problems so they can move on with their life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than remaining stuck in a blame trap, contact an experiential psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are blocking your growth.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Parts Work and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

As an experiential therapist, helping clients to overcome trauma is my specialty.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.