What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Emotional Self Regulation?

People sometimes confuse the terms "emotional self regulation" and "emotional co-regulation" so I'm addressing the differences in this article.

Co-regulation vs Self Regulation

What's the Difference Between Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

When caregivers provide external support to their children, this is an example of emotional co-regulation, which is a foundational step for developing emotional self regulation.

Whereas co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another person to regulate their emotions, self regulation is the ability to manage your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

Both skills, co-regulation and self regulation, work together throughout life.

Let's break it down further:

Self Regulation

• Definition: The internal ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors without relying on others.

• Examples of Self Regulation:
• Doing breathing exercises on your own to calm down
• Managing frustration during an argument by going for a walk to calm down

• Goal: To respond to a situation thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively

Co-regulation

• Definition: The process of two or more people working together to manage emotions and behaviors. This involves providing support, structure and warmth to help someone to calm down and learn coping skills.

• Examples: 
• A parent helping a child to calm down by speaking in a gentle tone and providing comforting hugs
• One romantic partner helping another to calm down by listening in an attuned way, holding their hand and gently helping them to take relaxing breaths

• Goal: To help someone to feel safe and understood which, in turn, builds their capacity for self regulation

• Relationship Between Self Regulation and Co-regulation: Co-regulation is an essential step in helping someone to self regulate. A caregiver or partner's ability to self regulate is necessary in order for them to help co-regulate others. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the relationship between self regulation and co-regulation and how psychotherapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Paul:

Paul was a latchkey kid. Both of his parents worked two jobs each so they weren't around when he came home from elementary school. 

There were times when he was at home alone that he thought he heard noises in the house and he was so scared he hid under his blanket until his parents came home. 

He knew his next door neighbors were at home, but his parents told him to never let them know he was home alone because they might call the child welfare bureau and then he would  be taken him away from his parents due to childhood neglect.

His parents explained to him they didn't want to leave him alone in the house, but they both needed to work and there were no other relatives to take care of him. They also couldn't afford childcare, so he would hide in fear until his parents came home.

Since Paul grew up being alone much of the time, he was often without his parents' emotional support, so he didn't learn how to manage his emotions.

His teacher told his parents that Paul had a difficult time calming himself down in school when he was upet. She suspected his parents weren't helping Paul to manage his emotions so she encouraged them to help him--although she didn't know they were often away from home.

By the time he went away to college, he was so anxious he was having panic attacks.  A college counselor referred him to a psychotherapist for help. 

His therapist used her co-regulate skills to help Paul. She also taught him self regulation skills by teaching him breathing exercises and other coping strategies. 

Eventually, he learned to regulate his emotions on his own.

After he graduated college, the skills he learned in therapy helped Paul to self regulate and co-regulate emotions with his new girlfriend, Sara.

Conclusion

Young children usually learn to co-regulate with their parents so they can develop self regulation skills as they get older.  However, there are times when children don't learn these skills because their parents are not around or the parents never learned to regulate their own emotions when they were growing. up so they can't help their children to develop skills they don't have.

Fortunately, people who didn't learn to regulate their emotions have an opportunity to learn as adults in psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and manage their emotions so they can lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Emotional Regulation in a Relationship?

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Numb?

Relationships: Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

You might be tempted to quote your therapist to your partner, but there are good reasons why you shouldn't (see my article: 5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship).

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

Here are some of the most important reasons not to quote your therapist to your partner:

• The Potential Damage to Your Relationship By Weaponizing Your Therapist's Words: Quoting your therapist's words can be a form of "authority citing" where you use an expert's opinion to gain an unfair advantage in an argument. Saying things like, "My therapist says I should stand up to you" can shut down a dialog between you and your partner because your partner feels undermined and attacked. The weaponization of your therapist's words is a toxic habit which can erode trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

• The Potential to Misrepresent Your Therapist: Keep in mind that if you're in individual therapy, your therapist might never have met your partner, so whatever she tells you is based on what you tell her. So presenting your therapist's words as an objective assessment of your partner is a misrepresentation. 

• The Potential to Erode Your Partner's Trust: When you quote your therapist, you can make your partner feel like they are being secretly judged and evaluated. This can create a sense of unfairness. Your partner might also feel like they have no way to defend themselves. This can erode trust between you and your partner. In order for a relationship to thrive, you don't want your partner to feel like they are constantly on trial.

Why You Shouldn't Quote Your Therapist to Your Partner

• The Potential to Change the Nature of Your Therapy: One of the benefits of attending therapy is that you have a private and safe place to talk about your feelings. If you're reporting your sessions to your partner, you can begin to censor yourself in therapy. Knowing that you're going to report your therapy sessions to your partner, you can hinder your personal growth in therapy. The therapeutic space is meant to be a confidential place where you are honest without having to worry about what your partner thinks when you report back what was said in your sessions.

How Can You Share How You Feelings Without Quoting Your Therapist?

Instead of quoting your therapist, use "I" statements that express your own thoughts, feelings, needs and insights.

• Share Your Own Insights: When you have a realization in a therapy session, instead of quoting your therapist, share your own insights. So, instead of saying, "My therapist said I need to improve my communication skills with you", say, "I realize I sometimes have problems communicating my needs to you so I'm working on that."

Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

• Focus on Your Feelings: Focus on your own internal state. So, instead of saying, "My therapist said you don't listen," say, "Sometimes I feel unheard by you with certain topics." This is a more productive way of communicating rather than making your partner feel blamed by your therapist.

Why You Should Avoid Quoting Your Therapist to Your Partner

• Share Your Personal Growth: You can share your personal growth in terms of various milestones without giving specific details. Examples of this might include, "I'm learning new coping skills in therapy" or "I'm learning to process unresolved trauma in my therapy."

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Many people in relationships don't know how to respond to their partner's emotional vulnerability. This is significant because vulnerability is a pathway to emotional and sexual intimacy.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

Why Do People Have Problems Responding to Their Partner's Emotional Vulnerability?

People who have problems responding in a supportive way to their partner's vulnerability might have some or all of the following problems:

• Deep-seated Fears of Their Own Vulnerability: A partner's emotional vulnerability can trigger underlying fears, insecurities and painful memories. Instead of being supportive, these individuals might react to their partner's vulnerability with indifferences, scorn, criticism, disgust or indifference in order to protect themselves from their own feelings of vulnerability.

• An Insecure Attachment Style: A person's attachment style, which is formed in early childhood, can influence their ability to respond in a supportive way (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship):

• Avoidant Partners: These partners might pull away from a partner showing vulnerability. They might also feel overwhelmed when their partner expresses deep emotions because they equate intimacy with a loss of independence.

• Anxious Partners: These partners might focus on their own fear of abandonment which makes it difficult for them to respond empathetically to their partner's vulnerability.

• Negative Patterns of Behavior Learned From Past Experiences: Past experiences include early childhood. For instance, if someone was told by their parent that they were "acting like a baby" when they cry, when they become adults, they are more likely to react negatively to their partner's vulnerability. 

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Fear of Intimacy: Even though a partner might crave closeness, their fear of intimacy can cause them to resist getting close to their partner. They might equate vulnerability with "weakness", risk of emotional pain or risk of future betrayal (see my article: The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Unresolved Trauma).

• Unresolved Trauma: Partners who have unresolved trauma, including childhood abuse or neglect, can find it difficult to let their guard down to be supportive of their partner.

• Low Self Esteem: A partner who has low self esteem might not feel worthy of their partner's affection. They might interpret their partner's vulnerability as criticism or a setup for an eventual rejection.

• Lack of Emotional Intelligence: A person who lacks emotional intelligence often lacks self awareness so that they might not recognize or understand their own feelings. If they don't recognize their own feelings, they probably won't understand or empathize with their partner's feelings (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Important in Your Relationship?).

What Are the Negative Dynamics in a Relationship When a Partner Can't Deal With Emotional Vulnerability?

When an individual has problems dealing with their partner's emotional vulnerability, this can set up a negative cycle where vulnerability is punished: 

• Past Punishment of Vulnerability: When a partner's past experiences of showing vulnerability were met with indifference, hostility or criticism, they might become hesitant to open up emotionally again. This often creates a negative cycle of emotional disconnection.

Responding to Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability

• Ineffective Communication Patterns: Many couples lack the necessary communication skills and tools to communicate effectively.  For example, if one partner says to the other, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore", the second partner might become defensive and angry and respond, "Well, it's your own fault. You're always too tired to go out and have fun."

• Defensive Reactions: When a partner shows vulnerability, instead of being supportive, the partner who fears vulnerability might react defensively:

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing completely

• Contempt: Responding with sarcasm, mockery or insults

• Defensiveness: Making excuses or blaming their partner

• Attempts For Connection Are Missed: A vulnerable statement is an attempt to re-establish connection and intimacy. When a partner responds negatively to this attempt, it can create emotional distance between the partners.

What Are the Consequences of Negative Responses to a Partner's Vulnerability?

• Erosion of Trust: When a partner realizes that their expressions of emotional vulnerability are met with a negative response, they learn that it's not safe to be open with their partner.

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Increased Conflict: When underlying issues remain unresolved, this can lead to more intense conflicts in the relationship.

• Decreased Intimacy: Negative responses to vulnerability often leads to a decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy which creates distance and loneliness.

• Heightened Emotional and Physical Stress: Chronic negative communication patterns raise stress levels which can impact on mental and physical health.

How Can You Break the Negative Cycle?

Breaking the negative cycle is an important strategy for improving a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

The following strategies might be helpful to break a negative cycle in your relationship?

• Take a Break: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, you can take a break to calm down and collect your thoughts. Before taking a break, have an agreement as to when you will get back together to talk again so that taking a break doesn't become an excuse for avoiding the conversation. Also, if you or your partner have an anxious attachment style, knowing when you will get back together to talk can help to soothe anxiety and fears of abandonment.

• Identify Your Triggers: Develop an awareness as to what your partner says that triggers your fears or defensiveness. Understanding your triggers is the first step. in learning to. manage your emotions (see my article: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers).

• Practice Empathy and Validation: Instead of being critical or getting defensive, try to understand your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with your partner. You can respond by validating your partner's feelings and saying, "That sounds hard" or "I can hear how much that hurts you" (see my article: How to Develop and Use Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

Responding to Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Use "I" Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, frame your feelings in a nonjudgmental and non-defensive way. For instance, instead of saying "You make me worried when..." say "I feel worried when..."

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to identify the negative cycles you get into together and also help you to develop better communication and relationship skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome obstacles to having a fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

Coping with political differences in your relationship can be challenging, especially within the context of our polarized country, but there are steps you can take to keep differences from ruining your relationship.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

What Characteristics Do You Both Need to Navigate These Differences?

To navigate these differences, you both need:

• Strong communication skills
  
• Empathy for each other
• Clear boundaries
  
• Mutual respect
• An ability to handle differences constructively, which can strengthen your connection to each other

How Can You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Political Differences?

Since political views are often tied to personal experiences, upbringing, core values and not just political policies, it's important to understand the roots of each other's beliefs, so it's important to:

• Share Your Background: Discuss how your life experiences have shaped your views. This can help each of you understand why your partner has taken a particular political stance and help your partner to understand your stance.

• Focus on the Values You and Your Partner Share: Even if you have political differences, you probably share fundamental values regarding family, fairness and a desire for the future. If you focus on these commonalities, it can bring you closer.

How Can You Set Clear Boundaries?

Setting clear rules about your discussion can prevent these discussions from damaging your relationship:

• Schedule Your Time: Set a clear amount of time for these discussions rather than allowing them to be open-ended or erupt during stressful times.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Know How to Take a Break: Agree to pause if the conversation is becoming disrespectful. You can both return to it later. Some couples find it helpful to designate certain topics as off limits to preserve harmony in their relationship.

• Limit News Consumption: If broadcast news is a source of stress in your relationship, discuss with your partner how you can both limit the time you consume news (see my article: How to Cope With News Anxiety).

How Can You Develop Curious and Respectful Communication?

Instead of having a heated debate, focus on making your talk an opportunity to learn and connect:

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Approach your conversation with a genuine curiosity by asking questions like "What are you thinking about this issue?" and "I would like to understand how you came to this conclusion. Can you tell me more?" (see my article: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation).

• Practice Active Listening: Rather than waiting your turn to argue with your partner, listen and attune to what your partner is saying so you can listen to your partner's perspective. Reflect back what you heard so you can show you're engaged in what your partner is saying and you're trying to understand.

• Avoid Personal Attacks: Avoid insulting your partner or questioning their character or intelligence. If you discuss your differences with respect, you can both keep the conversation from escalating into a big argument.

How Can You Prioritize Your Relationship?

Remember your bond to each other is more important than any political issue:

• Agree to Disagree: Accept that you probably won't change each other's minds so respect each other's rights to have different views and choose to let certain issues go.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Make a Decision About What Matters More: What has a higher priority: Your political views or your relationship? Couples who choose to prioritize their relationship tend to navigate these differences more effectively.

• Engage in Shared Activities: By focusing on shared hobbies and your goals and dreams, you can reinforce the connection that brought you together in the first place.

What Can You Do If Political Differences Are a Persistent Cause of Stress?

• Consider attending couples therapy as a neutral place where you can learn to navigate your differences in a healthy way.

• Couples therapy can help you to develop effective ways of communicating so you can resolve conflict and strengthen your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to navigate their differences so they can have a more meaningful relatonship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You As An Adult

Parents who try to guilt trip you into doing what they want are usually emotionally immature. Rather than trying to placate them, you need to find healthy ways of dealing with their behavior.

What is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you to control your behavior.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

Aside from wanting to control your behavior, guilt tripping violates your boundaries.

What Are the Signs of Guilt Tripping?

• They Become Passive Aggressive: Instead of being outwardly aggressive, they make passive aggressive or sarcastic comments like, "Well, I guess if you can't come over this Sunday, I'll have to spend the day alone" (passive aggressive) or "Oh sure, don't worry about me, but I won't be around forever" (see my article: Coping With Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments).

• They Try to Gaslight You: They might try to twist your words or distort the truth to make you question your intentions and behavior, "I don't know why you would rather be with your friends than come here to visit your father and me. Your friends won't always be there for you like we have been" or "You're the reason why your dad and I are unhappy."

• They Give You the Silent Treatment and Become Emotionally Distant: They stop communicating with you and ignore your calls, email and text. This is a form of emotional abuse to punish, gain power over and manipulate.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• They Remind You About Your Past Mistakes: This is another form of manipulation to try to make you feel like you owe them something. For example: "You're going out with your boyfriend instead of coming to see me? You always make bad relationship choices. Remember, I was who was there for you when you were hurt and upset about your last relationship."

• They Make Negative Comparisons: They might compare you to a sibling, another family member or a friend, "Your sister always comes over every Sunday, but you only come every two weeks."

• They Try to Make You Think It's All Your Fault: They won't take responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they blame you, "Your mother and I have tried to do everything to improve our relationship with you, but you just do things to make it worse."

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

Understand the impact guilt Tripping is having on you: Some people are very good at guilt tripping until they get you to feel the way they want you to feel and do what they want you to do.

Signs Your Parents Guilt Tripping is Affecting You

Recognize the signs that you're being affected by your parents' guilt tripping:

• You Feel Obligated to Them: You feel like you "owe" your parents--even when you know their demands are unreasonable.

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• You Over-justify Your Actions: You keep defending or explaining your actions to your parents.

• You Feel Like Nothing You Do is Good Enough For Your Parents: You might feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever good enough for your parents and you'll never be able to please them.

How to Cope With Parents Who Are Trying to Guilt Trip You

• Shift Your Perspective and Be Aware That You're Not Responsible For Your Parents' Feelings: If you're not actively trying to hurt your parents, you're not responsible if they feel hurt or angry that you're not doing what they want you to do. For instance, if you already have plans with a friend and your parents want you to come over on the same day, you have a right to stick with your plans and not try to appease your parents because they tell you you're making them feel hurt. 

• Set Clear Boundaries With Your Parents: Although it can be challenging, you might need to set boundaries with your parents. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Prioritize Your Needs: If your parents have been successful at guilt tripping you, you might feel like your needs are insignificant compared to theirs. Be aware you're doing this and make an agreement with yourself to prioritize your own needs.

• Validate Their Feelings: If you detect they have underlying feelings that they're not expressing, validate their feelings. For example, if they try to make you feel guilty about not coming to see them and you detect that their underlying feeling is that they miss you and want to spend time with you, validate that. At the same time, don't give up on your plans to appease them. Instead, you can suggest another day when you can get together with them (if you want to spend time with them).

Coping With Guilt Tripping Parents

• Get Emotional Support From Supportive Friends: Talk to trusted friends who will be emotionally supportive. If you feel apprehensive about talking with your parents and setting boundaries with them, you can "bookend" that conversation by talking to a trusted friend before and after your conversation with your parents. You might even arrange to have these bookended conversation with your friends in advance. 

Get Help in Therapy

The impact of guilt tripping can be traumatic.

Get Help in Therapy

Among other things, lifelong guilt tripping can make you susceptible to getting into a relationship with a partner who also tries to manipulate you with guilt and you might not even be aware of it because it seems "normal" to you.

A skilled mental health professional, who is a trauma specialist, can help you to heal from trauma so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a Trauma Therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

What is Overfunctioning in a Relationship?

Overfunctioning is a term used to describe when one partner is carrying the bulk of responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations and attempts to resolve problems in the relationship and in the household (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

Why Does Overfunctioning Occur in a Relationship?

There are many ways a couple can get into a dynamic where one of them is overfunctioning and the other is underfunctioning.

As responsibilities increase, life becomes more complex so there are more household chores and responsibilities:

• Doing household chores
• Paying bills
• Remembering children's playdates and getting them there
• Remembering the children's doctors' appointments and getting them there

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Getting birthday gifts for the children's friends and getting the children to friends' birthday parties
• Being responsible for going to parent-teacher conferences
• Remembering grandparents' birthdays and anniversaries and getting gifts
• Work-related tasks
• And on and on

It's common for one person in the relationship to take on these and other responsibilities while the other partner takes on few, if any, responsibilities. 

The relationship you witnessed in your family of origin can also influence whether you become the overfunctioner or the underfunctioner based on traditions, culture and outdated gender roles.

This dynamic can resemble a mother-child relationship where the overfunctioner is in the role of the mother and the underfunctioner is in role of the child.

This often affects the dynamic in the bedroom because no one wants to make love to their parent or their child (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship).

As the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed by the tasks and responsibilities they have taken on, resentment builds and conflict can grow.

Signs You Have Taken on the Role of the Overfunctioner

• You're the One Who Does Most or All the Chores and Carry the Mental Load: You clean, pay the bills, take care of the children, do the laundry and so on and you probably have a job outside the home with its own responsibilities (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• You Assume That If You Take a Break, Things Will Fall Apart: You're aware doing everything with little or any participation from your partner, but you're afraid that if you take a break, everything will fall apart.

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner

• You Feel Angry and Resentful About the Role You Have Taken On: You feel taken for granted and unappreciated by your partner because you have taken on more than your fair share of responsibilities. 

• You Have Lost Sight of Your Own Needs: Since you're focused on doing everything else, you don't recognize your own needs which can lead to a diminishment of self and lack of fulfillment.

• You Don't Feel Like Being Intimate With Your Partner: Since you're probably exhausted, frustrated, angry and irritable, you don't feel like being emotionally or sexually intimate with your partner. Emotional distance between you and your partner can grow to the point where you feel like you're just two people co-existing in the same household (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How Can You and Your Partner Disrupt the Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dynamic?

It takes two people to create their dynamic and the dynamic between you and your partner didn't develop overnight and it won't change overnight.

If the two of you were dance partners and you changed what you did, your partner would have to change too (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

This is similar to what Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples describes as the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic with the overfunctioner being in the pursuer role and the underfunctioner being in the withdrawer role. 

If You're the Overfunctioner:

• Consider how you might be able to experiment:
• What chores or responsibilities can you back off from, let go of and surrender to your partner? 
• This might mean that certain things fall through the cracks. 

Are You Overfunctioning For Your Partner?

• Be aware that stepping back and allowing your partner to take the lead with certain tasks will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but don't give in to the urge to take it over again. You will feel resentful and you will be belittling your partner as if they were a child.

• You might feel some anxiety about the change.

• Don't be critical or judgmental if your partner takes on a task and their standards aren't up to yours. Unless it's a safety matter. Then, you can tactfully show your partner how you have performed this task or chore in a safe way, but avoid criticism so your partner doesn't consciously or unconsciously avoid the task.

If You're the Underfunctioner:

• Challenge yourself to consider where you can step up to take on responsibilities. 

• You might experience discomfort at first because you're not accustomed to taking on responsibilities, but you'll adjust.

• Don't wait to be told each time if you have agreed to take on a certain responsibility.

• Remember you're an adult, so avoid getting into the child role with your partner.

• Don't get defensive if your partner tactfully explains why it's safer to do certain chores or handle certain responsibilities in a particular way (e.g., don't leave the baby alone in a hot car and other similar safety issues).

• Don't wait until you "feel like" doing a chore. Just do it. After a while, you'll get accustomed to doing it even if you "don't feel like it."

• Be proud, rather than feeling ashamed, that you're taking on more adult responsibilities.

For Both the Overfunctioner and the Underfunctioner: Develop An Agreement:

• Set a time aside when you won't be interrupted and talk about the inequity of your situation and how you each feel about making changes.

• Approach the change as two people who are on the same team. Teamwork is essential when you're making these kinds of changes.

• Approach the conversation with curiosity about how your partner feels instead of criticism.

• Talk about which one of you is overfunctioning or which one is underfunctioning from each of your perspectives and how you each contribute to the dynamic.

• Agree to shake things up.

• Remember: If one of you starts doing a different "dance step", your partner will have to change too.

• Get specific:
• What will you do differently?
• How long will you experiment with the change?
• When will you follow up with each other to determine if you need to tweak or overhaul your plan?

Get Help in Couples Therapy

On the surface, it might not seem like it would be complicated to change the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic, but there are usually other underlying dynamics including personal beliefs, gender norms, cultural issues, family history and other factors.

If you and your partner are getting stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist to help you overcome the obstacles that keep you both stuck.

If your sex life has been affected by these problems, seek the help of a couples therapist who is a Certified Sex Therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own and remaining stuck, get help sooner rather than later so you can both have a more meaningful experience in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Help Change a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship

What is Sex Therapy?

 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?