What is Survivor Guilt in Family Dynamics?

Survivor guilt in family dynamics usually involves surviving one of the following when other family members have not:

• A traumatic incident
• A difficult or traumatic upbringing
• Achieving a better quality of life than other family members

Survivor Guilt 

Incidents such as the above often lead the "survivor" to feel a sense of remorse, guilt, worthlessness, undeserving as well as responsible for the fate of other family members who weren't as fortunate.

Survivor guilt is often irrational because these individuals usually weren't at fault for the other family members either not surviving or not doing as well as they did.

Key Aspects of Survival Guilt

• Traumatic Loss: A family member dies or suffers serious consequences and the person who experiences survival guilt did not. This might include:

• A car accident
• A natural disaster
• A medical problem

• Generational Trauma: Prior generations suffered under traumatic circumstances and the person who is from a younger generation, who didn't suffer, feels guilty for surviving or not having it "easier" than the previous generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?):

• Family violence
• War
• Poverty and/or oppression
• Systemic violence
• Other atrocities, including the Holocaust and other forms of genocide

• Parental Guilt: A parent can experience survivor guilt that they passed on a gene to their child and the child has medical problems as a result. They can feel guilty even though they had no control over passing on this gene.

• Everyday Situations: If one family member achieves success while other family members are not as fortunate, the one who achieves success can feel guilty that they are fortunate while the others are not.  

How Does Survivor Guilt Manifest in Families?

Survival guilt can have a big impact on family relationships including:

• Social Withdrawal: The individual who has been more fortunate might isolate themselves from family activities as a way to avoid dealing with their guilt.

• Overprotectiveness: In order to avoid another loss, the individual who has been more fortunate might become overly protective of the other family members.

Survivor Guilt, Shame and Self Blame

• Shame and Self Blame: These individuals might dwell on how they could have done things differently to help family members--even if, objectively, there was nothing else they could have done (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

• Difficulty Feeling Joy: They might believe they don't deserve to experience joy, happiness or success because they feel guilty that they are more fortunate than other family members.

• Atoning Behavior: In order to atone for their good fortune when other family members have suffered, these individuals might be overly giving so they can atone for their good fortune. This is another maladaptive coping strategy.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are  composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan

When Alan was 15, he and his 13 year old brother, Tom, went surfing at the beach during the off season, even though there were red flags posted warning swimmers to stay out of the water due to rough waves from a fast approaching hurricane. Since it was the off season, there were no lifeguards at the beach, but Alan and Tom had fun surfing under similar circumstances before, so they disregarded the warnings.  After a while, Alan took a break to rest on the shore and Tom stayed in the water.  After Alan dried himself off, he turned to call Tom to tell him to come out of the water, but Tom was nowhere to be seen. He jumped back into the water to try to find Tom to no avail and he became frantic. When a police car approached, they called a rescue team who found Tom's lifeless body an hour later. Alan was devastated with sadness and guilt. No one in the family blamed him for Tom's death, but as Tom's older brother, Alan felt responsible. His shame and self blame was so great that he became overly protective of his other younger siblings. Later on in life, he felt guilty that he had career success because Tom never had this opportunity. Alan often engaged in self sabotage and self destructive behavior including excessive drinking. One day his doctor warned him about the connection between excessive drinking and his high blood pressure. Then, he providing Alan with a referral for trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma?).

Linda

Even though her grandmother never discussed her experiences during the holocaust, Linda knew her grandmother spent time as a young child in a concentration camp in Poland. By the time Linda was born, her grandmother was doing well financially, but she lived like she was poor. Specifically, the grandmother hoarded food because she feared anything could happen where she might not have enough to eat. In addition, when she ate, the grandmother always ate sparingly and saved scraps of food for another day. As a result both Linda and her mother surmised that, as a child, the grandmother probably had very little to eat in the Treblinka concentration camp and now, as an adult, she was always afraid food would become scarce again. The impact on Linda was that she couldn't enjoy food in her grandmother's presence--even foods she normally enjoyed.  Her mother had a similar problem. As time went on, Linda realized she had a problem and she sought help in trauma therapy to prevent her problem from getting worse.

Sara

When she was a child, Sara heard many stories from her father about his family's severe poverty when he waa a child. Her father told her there were many days he and his siblings had nothing to eat. Even though they were hungry, they would tell their parents they weren't because they didn't want their parents to feel bad. Although Sara's parents were doing well financially by the time she was born, she always felt guilty whenever they bought her a gift or new clothes. She felt she didn't deserve to have more than her father had when he was a child. Later on in life when Sara had a successful career, she felt that no matter how much she tried to do for her parents, especially her father, she couldn't do enough. She felt guilty about her financial success and, as a way to assuage her guilt, she bought her parents many gifts--even though they told her they didn't need them.  One day her mother took Sara aside during a family gathering and told Sara she understood why she was buying them so many gifts but, she said, no matter how many gifts she bought them, she couldn't undo her father's childhood poverty. She told Sara that both she and the father wanted her to enjoy her life and they could see how guilt was eating away at her. She suggested Sara get help from a licensed mental health professional who did trauma therapy.

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Survivor Guilt?

Trauma therapy is an umbrella term that include following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Survivor Guilt and Trauma Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

These therapies were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma by:

• Processing the Trauma: To work through the trauma in a safe and structured way

• Developing Self Compassion: Helping clients to give themselves compassion to heal

Survivor Guilt and Self Compassion

• Challenging Negative Beliefs: To identity and challenge negative beliefs

• Developing Genuinely Positive Beliefs: Beliefs that are sincere and realistic about  themselves and others

• Grieving Losses: Grieving what has been lost is essential to healing from trauma (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Finding a New Purpose: Honoring their losses and channeling their guilt into meaningful behavior like volunteering

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone. Help is available.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Overcoming unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Understanding S£x as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Within a loving relationship where two people feel connected to each other, sex is an emotionally intimate experience.

Sex is a vulnerable act of trust.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sex also triggers the release of bonding hormones, enhances communication and deepens your connection with your partner when you share physical and emotional closeness.

Sharing this level of physical and emotional closeness provides an opportunity for you to express affection, share your desires and feel safe which can allow you to feel understood in a deeper way.

What Creates Emotionally Intimacy During Sex in a Relationship?

• Sharing Your Whole Self: Sexual intimacy requires you to be physically and emotionally present and vulnerable which allows you to let down your guard and create a deep sense of trust with your partner. 

• Opening Up Physically and Emotionally: You're opening yourself up for acceptance but, potentially, you might also experience criticism or rejection. The best sex occurs when you're already feeling emotionally connected and safe (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Experiencing the "Love Hormone": Sex releases oxytocin which is linked to feelings of affection, trust and bonding.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

• Bonding and Connection: Oxytocin creates a powerful sense of closeness and longing for your partner. This helps to solidify your connection on an emotional and physical level.

• Enhanced Communication: Sex can enhance communication when partners can talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires, needs and boundaries (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Deepening Intimacy: The shared vulnerability and open communication can deepen your connection.

• An Enhanced Expression of Existing Intimacy: Sex can be a powerful way to enhance an already existing emotional connection by amplifying feelings of love and tenderness. When there is already an intimate connection, sex is more than just a physical act--it's an expression of emotional intimacy.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases where a couple lost their emotional and sexual connection over time and how they regained it:

Lena and Matt

When Lena and Matt started dating, they were always excited to see each other. 

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Their "new relationship energy" created so much passion, excitement and anticipation during the honeymoon phase of their relationship.

But after twenty years of marriage, the passion and excitement was gone and they were only having obligatory sex (also known as "duty sex").

Obligatory sex occurs when one or both people have sex out of sense of duty or pressure rather than from a sense of genuine desire.

Over time, their sex life deteriorated for many reasons: work stress, raising children, financial stress and other responsibilities. 

Neither of them knew how to talk to each other about sex, so they continued to have sex that neither of them enjoyed.

Their obligatory sex created resentment, dissatisfaction and emotional distance. The emotional distance, in turn, pulled them further and further apart.

Both of them approached sex with the attitude that they wanted to "get it over with", but it left them both feeling lonely and isolated.  They each would have preferred to have no sex than the kind of sex they were having, but neither of them felt comfortable talking about it.

After Lena spoke to her therapist about how unsatisfying her sex life with Matt had become, her therapist referred them to a sex therapist.

Initially, Matt was resistant to going. He didn't want to talk about their sex life, but Lena convinced him that they had a problem and sex therapy could help.

Their sex therapist helped them to speak openly about their sex life, which was challenging at first. Over time, they learned to talk to each other calmly without blaming each other.

They talked about how exciting and passionate their sex life had been when they were dating. Even though they knew they couldn't get that "new relationship energy" back, they felt closer to one another and more open to exploring what they both would find sexually enjoyable. 

It took time to overcome twenty years of emotional and sexual disconnection, but they were able to enhance their emotional and sexual connection over time.

Conclusion

Sex is usually an emotionally intimate experience in a relationship when two people feel connected to one another.

Sex as an Emotionally Intimate Experience

Sharing yourself emotionally and sexually is a vulnerable act that can bring two people closer together and enhance their relationship.

Over time, many couples drift into having obligatory sex where they go through the motions of having sex or they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Obligatory sex often creates more emotional and sexual distance as well as resentment and loneliness.

For couples who have become no-sex couples, the longer they wait to address these problems, the more challenging it can be. However, even longstanding no-sex couples have an opportunity to work through their issues in sex therapy if they are motivated.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your partner have lost your emotional and sexual connection with each other, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping individual adults and couples to having a satisfying sex life (see my article: What Do People Talk About in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity or sex during the sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

There is usually homework to do between sessions as a bridge between the sessions and, at times, to put into practice what has been discussed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy to improve your emotional and sexual connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation cutting off all contact.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

This can include ignoring texts, calls and social media, effectively disappearing from the person's life. It is commonly associated with dating, but it can happen in any relationship and it has become more prevalent since the rise of technology.

Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Being ghosted by someone you're in a relationship with is especially painful. It can leave you with self doubt, many unanswered questions as well as: 

• Lack of Closure: When there is no explanation, it can leave you with questions and a sense of uncertainty that can make it difficult for you to move on.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

• The Possibility of Negative Self Talk: Being ghosted by your partner can lead to your experiencing self criticism, self doubt, feeling rejected and a general feeling where you question your self worth.

• The Possibility of Loss of Trust: Being ghosted by your partner can cause you to experience a lack of trust which can make it harder to trust others in future relationships.

Why Do People Ghost Their Partners?

There can be many reasons why a ghoster disappears from someone's life including:

• Conflict Avoidance: The partner might be avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation. They also might not know how to communicate their feelings.

• Emotional Immaturity: Poor communication and conflict resolution skills is usually indicator of emotional immaturity.

• Fear and Anxiety: Fear, anxiety or negative experiences from the past can contribute to ghoster disappearing.

• Loss of Interest: Sometimes ghosting is a sign that the ghoster has lost interest, found someone else or they are having an affair. None of this excuses ghosting.

How to Cope With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

As previously mentioned, being ghosted by a partner can be very hurtful and confusing.

Here are some tips on how to cope:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your feelings without judgment. Self compassion is essential to healing.

• Try Not to Personalize It: Ghosting is usually a reflection on your partner and their issues--not a reflection on you. Their behavior reflects their inability to handle the situation.

• Acknowledge and Accept the Reality: Even though it's painful, acknowledge and accept that your partner's behavior probably indicates the end of the relationship. It's a definitive action--even without an explanation.

• Focus on Self Care: Take the time to prioritize your own healing. Focus on what brings you joy and helps you to feel secure within yourself.

• Seek Emotional Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members for emotional support.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been especially traumatized by being ghosted and your usual support network isn't enough, seek help in therapy where a licensed mental health professional can help you to get through the crisis.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is composite of many cases, illustrates the emotional pain and confusion of being ghosted by a partner and how therapy can help:

Jane

Jane came home from work on day and she discovered that Ed had moved out. All of his belongings were removed from the apartment without explanation.

At first, Jane thought they had been robbed, but then she realized that only Ed's belongings were missing and nothing of value had been taken.

She was shocked. Three years into their relationship, everything seemed to be going well between them. They were talking about getting engaged and even discussing when they would get married. So she couldn't understand what had happened.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

She tried to call him and text him numerous times that night, but he didn't respond to her.  She even called his family, but they said they didn't know where he was. 

But when she reached his best friend, Joe, he didn't sound surprised. He hesitated before speaking and then said, "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't think he would handle things this way. You need to forget him."

Joe's response was even more confusing to her and she asked him what he knew, but Joe said he didn't want to speak for Ed. He said Ed needed to speak for himself and he thought it was awful that Ed would just leave without talking to Jane.

Without answers as to why Ed left, Jane replayed in her mind the last few weeks as a way to try to understand what happened between them, but she couldn't remember anything that happened that would cause Ed to leave without a word.

For several days Jane kept trying to reach Ed, but her calls kept going to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts.  

She felt a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety. When she talked to her close friends, she felt emotionally supported by them, but she kept wondering what could have possibly gone wrong that would make Ed leave this way.

After a few weeks went by without any word from Ed, Jane sought help in psychotherapy. She felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she was starting to doubt herself in all areas of her life.  

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve. She felt so abandoned and upset about the way Ed left that she felt like she never wanted to be in another relationship again.

The abandonment was made worse by the fact that Jane lost her father when she was 10 due to his sudden heart attack. No one in the family, including her mother, knew how to grieve, so after the funeral, they went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened. This left Jane feeling alone and not only abandoned by her father but also abandoned by the rest of her family. 

As a result, she never fully grieved the loss of her father, which was now being triggered by Ed's sudden departure.

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve the current loss and the loss of her father using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

After several months, Jane began to feel like herself again. She still couldn't believe that Ed left without a word, but she accepted the reality of her situation. She realized that it wasn't her fault that he left. She also realized he lacked the emotional maturity to talk to her about breaking up.  

With time, Jane began making some sense of Ed's sudden departure when she remembered her situations he had told her about--including how he suddenly ended a relationship with a fiance 15 years before. He had told her that he regretted ending that relationship in that way and he would never do that again, but Jane realized he had not matured since he ended that relationship.

Initially, she blamed herself for trusting him while she knew he had done this before many years ago, but over time she realized it wasn't her fault.

Aside from talking to her friends and attending therapy, Jane also engaged in hobbies that she used to enjoy. At first, she felt like she was just going through the motions but, gradually, she regained her sense of enjoyment.

Working through the original loss of her father and the abrupt end to her relationship with Joe wasn't easy. It took time and work in therapy to heal.

A couple of years later, Jane was in a new relationship with Tom. She was hesitant, at first to trust him but, since he knew her history, Tom was patient with Jane and he showed himself to be trustworthy.

Although she never found out why Ed left, Jane left go of her sadness and resentment as she healed in therapy. 

Conclusion

Being ghosted is a painful experience, especially when it occurs in a relationship.

There is no excuse for the ghoster to disappear suddenly without an explanation, but there can be many reasons that often have little or nothing to do with the person who is being ghosted.

After the initial shock, accepting the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to grieve is part of the healing process.

If the support of trusted family and friends isn't enough, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you on your healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to grieve their losses.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Traumatic Reenactment?

As a trauma therapist who helps clients to work through unresolved trauma, I see many instances of traumatic reenactment, so it's an important topic to address.

Traumatic Reenactment

What is Traumatic Reenactment?

Traumatic reenactment is the unconscious tendency to recreate or repeat the circumstances of past trauma in order to gain a sense of mastery or control over of the situation.

Traumatic reenactment can involve (but is not limited to):

• Abusive relationships
• Engaging in self harm
• Repeatedly putting oneself in triggering situations

Traumatic reenactment occurs because the unconscious mind is attempting to work through and resolve the original trauma--even if this leads to further harm.

What Are Other Terms For Traumatic Reenactment?

Other terms for traumatic reenactment include:

• Repetition compulsion: This term was coined by Sigmund Freud. It refers to an unconscious drive to repeat a past event, particularly traumatic or painful events, in the hope of achieving a different outcome this time around.

• Compulsive repetition: This term emphasizes the involuntary and often irrational nature of repeating behaviors associated with trauma or past painful events.

Traumatic Reenactment

• Enactments: This is a broader term that can refer to the act of re-experiencing or recreating a past traumatic event through behavior, especially in personal relationships as well as in therapy.

• Somatic reenactment: This is a term used in the context of PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). It refers to symptoms that physically reproduce the mental content of the traumatic event, like flashbacks or nightmares.

• Dyadic traumatic reenactment: This term refers to how trauma is reenacted between two people. This usually involves people who are in an intimate relationship. It can trap people in a cycle of negative patterns.

What Are Examples of Traumatic Reenactment?

• Abusive Relationships: Recreating familiar harmful relationship dynamics from the past including choosing partners who are abusive or neglectful (see my article: Are You Unconsciously Choosing An Abuse Relationship to Fix Your Childhood?).

Traumatic Reenactment

• Risky Behaviors: Engaging in self harm or high-risk activities like substance abuse, gambling or overspending which can provide a temporary escape or a sense of mastery

• Triggering Situations: Deliberately or unconsciously seeking out people, environments or sensory triggers that remind them of the original experience

• Repetitive Life Patterns: Repeating negative life experiences that echo the original traumatic experience, even if the specific circumstances change

Why Do People Engage in Traumatic Reenactments?

• Unconscious Repetition: Traumatic memories are often stored in the body as implicit memories. Implicit memories are a collection of sensations and emotions rather than clear narratives. When a person,who has traumatic memories, feels unsafe later in life, their body can unconsciously replay the old narrative through behavior in order to seek a sense of completion. 

Traumatic Reenactment

• An Attempt at Mastery: Traumatic reenactment can be an attempt to master and have a sense of control over a situation where the person originally felt powerless. The unconscious hope is that by recreating the situation, the person can change the outcome this time around.

• Psychological Vulnerability: Trauma can lead to psychological vulnerabilities, such as an insecure attachment style or poor coping strategies, which can make a person more susceptible to revictimization.

Why is Traumatic Reenactment Harmful?

• Cycles of Self Harm or Self Sabotage: Although it might seem like an attempt to heal, traumatic reenactment without awareness often becomes a cycle of self harm and self sabotage (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

Traumatic Reenactment

• Increased Risk: Traumatic reenactment can lead to revictimization where a person is harmed again and again by abuse that is similar to the original abuse.

• Lack of Genuine Healing: True healing does not come from repeating trauma. It begins by developing an awareness of the pattern and making conscious choices to stop the pattern and engage in healthier behavior.

Clinical Examples of Traumatic Reenactment

Traumatic Reenactment

• A Cycle of Emotionally Abusive Relationships: Nina grew up in an emotionally abusive household as a child. Her father was highly critical of her from the time she was a young child. Although her mother wasn't critical, she didn't intervene to stop the emotional abuse because she was intimidated by the father. As an adult, Nina unconsciously chose men who were emotionally abusive towards her. After a particularly abusive relationship and painful breakup, Nina sought help in therapy where she discovered her unconscious tendency to choose emotionally abusive men as a way to master her childhood trauma where she hoped for a different outcome in her relationships. As she worked on her traumatic childhood in trauma therapy, Nina learned how to stop repeating this pattern so she could be in healthier relationships (see my articles: Choosing Unhealthy Relationstips: Bad Luck or Poor Choices? and Learning From Past Relationships).

Traumatic Reenactment

• A Cycle of Overspending: John grew up in a family that was constantly on the brink of financial disaster. His father lost one job after another due to his bad temper. The mother attempted to pay the rent on her small salary, but they were constantly behind on rent payments. This lead to their being evicted several times until they had to live in an overcrowded apartment with John's aunt. As a child, John vowed to himself that he would never be in the same situation when he grew up. He studied hard and he did well in college. After he graduated college, he got a high paying job in the finance industry where he was able to support himself and help his parents. But, in an unconscious attempt to overcome his family history of poverty, he had a tendency to overspend on luxury items he didn't need. When, despite his high paying job, he was on the brink of bankruptcy, he knew he needed help so he sought help in therapy where he learned he was unconsciously repeating traumatic patterns from his childhood. Through a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy, John was able to gain an better understanding of his behavior, stop overspending and heal his childhood trauma (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

Aside from these examples, there are many other situations where people unconsciously repeat traumatic patterns from the past.

Conclusion

Traumatic reenactment is an unconscious tendency to recreate or repeat traumatic circumstances from the past in order to gain mastery over these dynamics.

Since these reenactments are unconscious, people who engage in traumatic reenactments often have no awareness or insight into their behavior so they continue to repeat these patterns. As a result, many people blame external circumstances or "bad luck" on why they keep finding themselves in certain situations. They don't realize they're recreating unresolved trauma from the past.

Awareness and a capacity for self reflection are the first steps in overcoming a pattern of traumatic reenactments. 

Getting Help in Therapy

The next step is finding a licensed mental health professional who has the training, skills and expertise in trauma therapy.

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to become aware and change your behavior using the tools and strategies in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of thoughts and behavior that can hinder your well-being, relationships, personal health and goals.

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Examples of self-sabotaging behavior include (but are not limited to):

• Procrastination
• Negative self talk
  
• Perfectionism
• Avoidance of opportunities

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Avoidance of problem solving
• Substance abuse
• Relationship sabotage
• A pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships
• Overcommitting time and money

Why Do People Engage in Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

There can be many reasons why individuals engage in self sabotaging behavior including:

• Fear of failure, disappointment and rejection: Avoiding taking steps to prevent potential failure, disappointment and rejection

• Low self esteem: An individual's belief that they don't deserve to succeed or be happy

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Fear of success: Success can come with additional stress and pressure

• Maladaptive coping: An unconscious strategy to avoid feeling vulnerable or avoid coping with unresolved trauma (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance)

• Cognitive dissonance: Behavior that aligns with a negative self perception to reduce inner conflict (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones).

How Can You Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

If you recognize a pattern of self-sabotaging behavior, it's best to work with a licensed mental health professional to help you to develop the necessary awareness, coping skills and strategies.

In addition to working with a therapist, here are some tips that might be helpful with certain types of self-sabotaging behavior:

• Examine the Root Causes: Look for self-sabotaging patterns in your life. Often, self-sabotaging behavior stems from earlier experiences or childhood trauma (see my article; How is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

• Stop Procrastinating: A common factor in procrastination includes lack of emotional regulation. Develop a strategy to take care of things as they come up so you don't fall behind in taking care of your responsibilities (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination).

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Don't Make All-or Nothing-Decisions: For example, if you want to save more money, do it incrementally instead of saving your entire salary and then not having enough money to take care of rent, bills and daily expenses (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

• Aim For Excellence and Not Perfection: This is closely related to all-or-nothing thinking. Make small improvements that further your goals rather than trying to achieve your goals all at once (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Psychotherapy For Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Self-sabotaging behavior can be difficult to change on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional, who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome self-sabotaging behavior, can help you to get to the root of your problems and provide you with tools and strategies to change.

People who engage in self-sabotaging behavior often wait until their situation is dire before they get help, so if you self sabotage, be aware that it's easier to get help sooner rather than later when your situation has turned into a crisis.

Getting help in therapy to overcome self-sabotaging behavior can make your life more manageable and fulfilling.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples and, as a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome self-sabotaging behavior. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.