What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?

As a psychotherapist, I work with individual adults and couples to help them to experience and express their emotions in healthy ways.

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?

The following are some of the benefits of allowing yourself to experience your emotions:

• Increased Self Awareness: Emotions offer a guide to important information about your needs, experiences and triggers. When you allow yourself to experience your emotions, you gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

• Better Mental Health: Suppressing emotions can contribute to stress, anxiety and depression. Also, when you suppress uncomfortable emotions, these emotions tend to come back in a stronger way. So, suppressing emotions makes the experience worse. Experiencing emotions can help to ease stress, anxiety and depression.

• Increased Confidence: Expressing your emotions is a vulnerable act which takes courage. By being courageous and expressing yourself, you can increase your confidence.

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

• A More Balanced Perspective: People who express their emotions in a healthy way tend to have a more balanced perspective.

• Better Physical Health: Suppressing emotions can have a negative impact on your immune system and cardiovascular system. In addition, experiencing emotions can help to improve your overall physical health.

• A Deeper Connection in Your Relationship: Openly expressing emotions in a healthy way can help to increase emotional vulnerability, which can help you and your partner to deepen your connection. This can lead to a stronger, more meaningful relationship (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

• Improved Communication: Sharing your emotions in a healthy way provides clarity and context making it easier for you to express your needs and build empathy.

• Increased Trust: Emotional authenticity can help to increase trust in your relationships.

How Can Therapy Help You to Identify and Express Your Emotions?

As a psychotherapist, I work in an experiential way (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy?).

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

Many of us weren't taught to identify and expression emotions. On the contrary, some of us were actively discouraged from expressing emotions which gives the message that emotions are dangerous (see my article: How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Facilitate Emotional Development in Adult Clients).

The reality is that everyone experiences emotions and, as mentioned above, there are many benefits to experiencing and expressing your emotions.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who works in an experiential way provides the following benefits:

• A Confidential and Nonjudgmental Environment: Being able to identify and express your emotions in a confidential and nonjudgmental environment is essential for emotional healing (see my article: The Holding Environment: Maintaining a Safe Environment For the Client).

• Attuned and Compassionate Listening: A therapist who works in an experiential way attunes to her clients and listens with compassion. She also validates your emotions which allows you to be more emotionally vulnerable and deepen your understanding of yourself (see my article: The Healing Potential of the Therapist's Empathic Attunement).

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

• Help to Identify Suppressed Emotions: Experiential therapists can help you to understand emotions you have been suppressing, possibly for a lifetime, so you can become more self aware (see my article: How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

• Improved Emotional Vocabulary: If you had to suppress certain emotions in your family of origin, you might not have developed the necessary vocabulary to express yourself. Developing emotional vocabulary can increase your confidence.

• Improved Coping and Emotional Regulation Skills: An experiential therapist can help you to learn better coping skills and emotional regulation by helping you to develop tools and strategies. This tools include:

• Breathing exercises
  

• Mindfulness practices
  

• Grounding exercises

• Increased Awareness of Emotional Patterns: An experiential therapist can help you to become more aware of your recurring emotional patterns. When you have developed self awareness about these patterns, you can develop the necessary skills to make changes.

What Are Experiential Therapies?

The following are some of the experiential therapies that I use in my private practice:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Clinical Hypnosis (also known as Hypnotherapy)

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Whether you want to work on developing emotional intelligence or overcoming unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an experiential psychotherapist.

The Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions

A skilled experiential therapist can help you to develop the skills and strategies you need.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help in experiential therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating Rituals of Connection to Strengthen Your Relationship

Rituals of connection in relationships are small, intentional acts and routines that couples create to build intimacy, trust and emotional connection (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Creating Rituals of Connection

What Are Rituals of Connection?

Rituals of connection might include:

• A morning kiss

• A good night kiss

• A kiss any time during the day just because you want to

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Meals together without screens or other distractions

• Date nights

• Massages

• Consistent bedtime routines

• Playing together

• Sharing meaningful memories

• Exercising together

• Daily walks together

• Meditating together

• Romantic texts throughout the day when you're apart

• Expressing appreciation for your partner on a regular basis

• Uninterrupted time each day when you're together with no distractions, including no phones or computers

• Reading poetry or inspirational prose to each other

• A shower or bubble bath together

• Weekend getaways

• Planning vacations together

• Developing your own traditions together

• Celebrating anniversaries and other meaningful occasions

• Creating plans for the future together

Why Are Rituals of Connection Important in Relationships?

Rituals of connection are important to:

• Express your love for one another

• Create a sense of connection

• Develop a sense of comfort and trust

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Create a shared sense of meaning

• Strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy

• Make romance a part of your daily life together

• Show appreciation for each other on a regular basis

• Improve communication
  

• Keep the spark alive
  

• Keep joy alive

How to Create Rituals of Connection For Your Relationship

There are many different ways you can create rituals of connection.

Here are some suggestions you can try:

• Set Aside Time to Talk to Your Partner
• Identity Shared Values and Interests: Talk about what you both enjoy so that the rituals are enjoyable for both of you

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Discuss What the Ritual Will Include: How will it begin and how will it end?

• Start Small: Choose one or two rituals to start and see how that goes for each of you

• Design Your Rituals

• Make Rituals As Simple or Elaborate As You Both Want: Rituals don't have to be a certain way. You can decide together what you want to include. When in doubt, keep it simple.

• Assess What Works: Assess your rituals after a few days or weeks to see what works for both of you and what you might want to change.

• Choose Activities that Build Connection: This can include:

• Daily rituals

• Weekly or monthly rituals

• Rituals that commemorate special occasions

• Be Consistent

• Be consistent so that you and your partner learn to expect these rituals on a regular basis

• Consistency builds regular habits

• Be Flexible

• While you strive to be consistent, be flexible as life circumstances change

• Be intentional but not rigid

• Be Open to New Ways to Strengthen Your Connection
• Be creative

• Be open-minded to new rituals

• Have fun

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Unmet Expectations Ruining Your Relationship?

Every relationship comes with expectations. Some expectations are clear: Loyalty, honesty, respect and so on (see my article: Relationship Expectations: What is a Good Enough Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But in many relationships there are silent expectations that neither partner communicates. Instead they assume the other partner knows and agrees to fulfill them.

These unspoken expectations, which often go unmet, can ruin a relationship (see my article: Do You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

What Are Silent Expectations?

Silent expectations are unspoken beliefs, assumptions or standards about how one partner expects the other to behave. These silent expectations are often the basis for misunderstandings, disappointments and resentment when these unspoken expectations go unmet. 

How Do Silent Expectations Develop?

Silent expectations develop from family history, cultural norms and prior relationships regarding what love, relationships, respect and commitment should be. 

A partner can mistakenly assume that their partner shares their beliefs and assumptions--even though the expectations haven't been communicated.

Individuals who have silent expectations often feel their partner "should know" what is expected of them.  

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Communicating Their Expectations?

People who avoid communicating their expectations often fear conflict so they don't want to risk confrontations by talking about their emotional needs. This fear is the underlying reason for their silence. 

How Can Silent Expectations Ruin Your Relationship?

Silent expectations can take their toll over time, so if you have unmet expectations you never expressed to your partner, it's important to understand how this situation developed:

• Poor Communication: Silent expectations often go unmet because one or both partners haven't communicated about their expectations.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• An Expectation that Your Partner "Should Know" What You Expect: You might assume your partner knows or should be able to read your mind. But, in reality, your partner might not know. It's not necessarily that your partner doesn't want to meet your needs. They're just unaware of these needs. This usually leads to hurt, anger and disappointment.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Resentment Grows: Over time the resentment about unmet needs can fester and this can ruin a relationship (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

• Emotional Distance Grows: If you have silent expectations that go unmet, you and your partner can become emotionally distant from one another. As a defense against disappointment, walls go up, which makes it even harder to communicate. Over time, you might feel unseen and unheard--even though you haven't communicated your needs. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• A Focus on Who You Think Your Partner Should Be and Not Who They Really Are: If this situation persists over time, you can lose sight of who your partner really is because you're focused on what you think your partner should be and how your partner should behave.

• Increased Conflict: Unspoken expectations can lead to arguments and ongoing conflict.

• Stagnation: Unspoken expectations can lead to relationship stagnation as you disengage from one another.

How Can You Prevent Silent Expectations From Ruining Your Relationship?

The best way to prevent silent expectations from ruining your relationship is to be up front at the beginning of your relationship about what you want. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But if you haven't communicated your needs from the start and you realize your resentment is starting to grow, there are steps you can take to keep unmet expectations from ruining your relationship:

• Learn to Develop Realistic Expectations: Take time to assess your expectations:
• Are your expectations realistic? 
• Are your expectations fair?
• Do your expectations need to be adjusted or changed?

• Learn to Communicate Clearly and Directly: Don't assume your partner already knows your expectations. Learn to communicate clearly. Instead of complaining, express your wishes explicitly in a positive and constructive way. For instance, instead of saying, "You never show affection towards me," say "I really love when you're affectionate with me" (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing Your Needs).

• Learn to Deal With Confrontations: If you're avoiding talking about your hopes and expectations because you fear confrontations, you're going to struggle with being in a relationship because confrontations are inevitable. This doesn't mean that confrontations have to be destructive. You and your partner can disagree and still be respectful (see my article: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Make Adjustments: After you communicate with your partner, you might realize that you each have different expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to know when you want to be comforted and when you need time to yourself, after you talk to your partner, you might discover that your partner doesn't know when to comfort you and when to give you space. More than likely this is because you don't communicate when you want to be consoled and when you need time to yourself because you expect your partner to know. But your partner isn't a mind reader, so you have to learn to communicate clearly.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Compromise: Your partner might not be able to meet all your expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to meet all your needs, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one person can meet all of your needs. So, it's important to have other people in your life that can also provide you with emotional support or can join in doing activities that your partner might not enjoy.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Reassess Your Expectations Over Time: Sometimes expectations that were realistic at one point in your life become unrealistic later on, so you need to reassess.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

When resentment builds over time, it can be difficult for a couple to overcome these resentments on their own.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop tools and strategies so you can overcome resentment and strengthen your relationship. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who can help you to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

There is a big difference between complaining to your partner and expressing what you want in a healthy way (see my article: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

According to relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, whereas complaining is based on fear and focuses on a negative outcome, expressing what you want is a vulnerable act based on trust and courage. Expressing what you want also offers you and your partner a path forward. 

Complaining Tends to Look Backward

• Behind Complaints and Criticism is Often a Veiled Wish: Underneath criticism and complaints there is usually a veiled wish for an unmet need. It's often difficult for a partner to understand criticism and complaints in terms of these veiled wishes. An example of an unmet need in the form of a complaint would be "You haven't touched me in ages" which reflects an underlying wish for what's missing in the relationship. 

• Criticism Focuses on Blame: Criticism and complaints tend to focus on a partner's perceived mistakes or unwanted behavior. This can create a negative cycle of blaming, more unwanted behavior and more unmet needs (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Complaining is Self Protective: Many individuals find it less emotionally risky to complain and criticize rather than being emotionally vulnerable by saying what they want (see my article: A Fear of Intimacy Can Lead in Fault Finding in Relationships).

• Complaining Tends to Have Negative Results: Rather than getting needs met, criticism tends to get a partner defensive. This creates a negative cycle where each partner feels their emotional needs are unmet (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Expressing Your Wish Tends to Look Forward

• Expressing Your Wish is a Vulnerable Act and an Invitation: Instead of complaining, when you express what your desire, it's an invitation to your partner instead of an accusation.

• Expressing Your Wish Provides a Clear and Positive Direction For Action: Rather than criticizing, expressing your wish provides a clear message for your partner to take action. So, instead of saying "You haven't touched me in ages", you could say, "I love when you touch me and I wish you would touch me more often." 

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Expressing Your Desires Can Increase Emotional Intimacy: Sharing your desires can lead to deeper emotional intimacy which, in turn, can lead to increased sexual intimacy.

• Expressing Your Desires Allows You to Own Your Wanting: Instead of blaming your partner, when you express your desires, you take responsibility for your wants and needs, which can be personally empowering. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Sue

When Tom and Sue sought help in couples therapy, they were barely speaking to one another.  

Sue's main complaint was that Tom hardly paid any attention to her. She told the couples therapist she had complained to Tom numerous times that the only time he paid any attention to her was when he wanted to have sex. This made her feel angry and resentful so that she almost never wanted to have sex with him, "I've told him so many times that I don't know what's wrong with him because he hardly ever looks at me these days. Aside from wanting sex, he's never affectionate with me."

Tom's main complaint was that he felt badgered by Sue. He felt she was always pointing out things she didn't like, which hurt his feelings and made him feel like distancing himself from her, "When I try to get close to her, she assumes I only want sex, but sometimes I want to be affectionate. It's true that sometimes, in order to feel affectionate, I want to be sexual. What's wrong with that? All of her complaining makes me feel like I can't do anything right. Then, I just want to be alone" (see my article: Whereas Many Women Need an Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally).

Their work in couples therapy included looking at each of their family histories (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Therapy?).

Sue grew up in a household where her parents were emotionally distant from each other. Her mother would sit at the kitchen table and complain to Sue about Sue's father--about all his flaws and shortcomings. Then, her mother would say, "Men are useless. All they care about is sex and having their food served to them." Sue's father was often away on business trips and when he was home, he spent most of his time in his home office.

Tom's parents divorced when he was two years old so he had no memories of them being together.  He longed to spend time with his father, who lived nearby, but he would often go months without seeing him when his mother stopped visits due to the father's missed child support payments. When he did spend time with his father, his father would tell Tom, "Be careful with women. After you get married, they turn into complaining drudges. Whatever you do, don't get married."

So, neither Sue nor Tom had positive role models of a healthy marriage during their formative years and they both realized this had an impact on them as children and as adults in their marriage.

Their couples therapist helped them to distinguish between expressing a want versus complaining or criticizing. She encourage them to practice asking for what they wanted instead of complaining or criticizing. 

At first, both Tom and Sue felt too vulnerable to express their desires. They each feared the other would reject them.

After much encouragement in couples therapy sessions, Sue decided to express what she wanted in a positive way. Instead of criticizing Tom, Sue asked Tom to show more affection, "This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm afraid you'll turn me down. But, okay, here it goes: Tom, I like it when you're affectionate with me. I like when you touch me, play with my hair and kiss me."

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Even though Tom had been emotionally distant, when he heard the vulnerability in Sue's voice, he softened and reach for her hand. At first, she seemed surprised, but then Sue held Tom's hand and squeezed it as a sign that she loved him.

Over time, Tom and Sue learned how to express their desires in a healthy way which brought them closer together.  As they became closer emotinally, their sex life also improved.

Conclusion

Behind complaints and criticism often lies an unmet need.

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Your parents' relationship can become a template for your adult relationships--for better or for worse.

Expressing an emotional need directly to a partner, as opposed to complaining and criticizing, can feel emotionally vulnerable at first. But, over time, you and your partner can learn to trust and open up to each other.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling life together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.