Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In a prior article, What You Resist Persists, I discussed how resisting what you don't like about yourself only makes it stronger.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In the current article, I'm focusing on how to make friends with your inner critic.

What is Your Inner Critic?

As I mentioned in Overcoming the Inner Critic, no one is born with an inner critic. It usually develops at a young age.

Children internalize the negative messages they receive from their parents and other authority figures in their life.  

Most of the time, these messages aren't meant to be damaging, but they might be delivered in a harsh or punitive way and they are internalized by the child as meaning there's something wrong with them.

How the Inner Critic Develops

For instance, many well-meaning parents think they're motivating their children by comparing them unfavorably to older siblings, "Why can't you be more like your older brother? He gets all A's in school. Why can't you get all A's?"

Instead of motivating children, this kind of message gets internalized as "I'm not good enough" or "My parents don't love me as much as they love my older brother."

If children hear these kinds of messages repeatedly, they develop an inner critic who acts like a bully and who continues to give them negative messages about themselves even after they become adults.

Why Would You Want to Befriend Your Inner Critic?

When most people encounter a negative thought or feeling, their first inclination is to push it away because it's so unpleasant and emotionally challenging.

While this reaction is understandable, the problem is that, as I mentioned in an earlier article, even though you might be able to temporarily push away negative thoughts or feelings, you will only strengthen these feelings over time by trying to suppress them.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, the inner critic isn't trying to harm you--it's trying to protect you from harm.  

In other words, from the perspective of the inner critic, its intent is defensive. Just like parents might have thought they were being helpful by comparing their child to a more accomplished older sibling, the inner critic is trying, in a maladaptive way, to help you.  

So, for example, your inner critic might tell you, "You're too dumb to apply for college so don't even think about it" or "You're not good enough to audition for that play, so don't even try."

From the inner critic's perspective, it's trying to protect you from being disappointed or humiliated, but it's going about it all wrong.  Instead of protecting you, the inner critic crushes your spirit.

Since the inner critic is a part of you, you can't just get rid of it, but you can develop a dialog with it to acknowledge its good intention and then gently ask it to step aside.

How Can You Make Friends With Your Inner Critic?

• Acknowledge and Accept That Your Inner Critic is a Part of You: Since resisting and suppressing your inner critic only makes it stronger, you can start by acknowledging and accepting that your inner critic as a part of you now--regardless of how it first developed. At the same time, remember that your thoughts and feelings aren't facts no matter how strong they are and how often they occur. Accept your inner critic and, at the same time, don't give it power.

Acceptance and Self Compassion

• Differentiate Your True Self From Your Inner Critic: After you have acknowledged and accepted that your inner critic is a part of you, you become aware that it's only one part of you. It's not all of you who are. There is a deeper part of you, which some people call your true self or, as it's called in Parts Work, your core self (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).  According to the Internal Family System (IFS), one of many Parts Work models, your core self is the part of you that is:

• Curious
• Creative
• 'Calm
• Confident
• Clear
• Connected

• Practice Self Compassion
• The inner critic is often a young part of you that holds unresolved trauma. Rather than criticizing or suppressing the inner critic, show self compassion. When you practice self compassion, the inner critic tends to soften. So, when you get negative messages from your inner critic like, "You don't know what you're doing. You're a failure," respond with kindness by telling yourself, "I'm worthy of love and compassion and I'm doing the best I can."  Then, gently ask the inner critic to step aside.

Get Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often shows up in the form of an inner critic.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history allows you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and, as a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle In Your Relationship

In my prior article, I focused on people who have an anxious attachment style in their relationship. 

In today's article, I'm focusing on people who have an avoidant attachment style from an Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) perspective.

An Avoidant Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As I mentioned in the prior article, approximately 80% of couples have the anxious-avoidant attachment style dynamic in their relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

People with an avoidant attachment style might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• Withdrawing emotionally during a conflict

• Behaving in a disdainful way towards a partner who shows emotion

• Appearing to be distant or aloof

• Giving their partner the "silent treatment" (also known as stonewalling)

• Seeing themselves as independent and self-sufficient (as part of a defense mechanism)

How to Overcome the Negative Cycle in an Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

As I mentioned in my previous article, each partner, regardless of their attachment style, can learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

• Creating an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle, seek help from a licensed mental health professional, who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In prior articles, I've discussed breaking the negative cycle in a relationship from an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? and Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on becoming aware of an anxious attachment style so you and your partner can break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Approximately 80% of people with an anxious attachment style get into relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, so in future articles, I'll focus on the avoidant attachment style.

Characteristics of an Anxious Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

To their credit, people who have an anxious attachment style are usually the ones who take action to try to solve relationship problems. 

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

They're usually the ones in a relationship to point out when there's a problem and they're often proactive about trying to find a solution to relationship problems when their more avoidant partner might want to avoid, dismiss or deflect the problems.

Many people with an anxious attachment style also tend to engage in counterproductive behavior in a desperate attempt to be heard by their partner, including:

• Blaming their partner

• Protesting to their partner

• Criticizing and accusing their partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

If you have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, you might recognize some or all of these behaviors.  

You might also realize that, if you have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style, when you blame, protest, criticize and accuse them, they withdraw even further.  

Their withdrawal probably makes you feel even more anxious, so you blame, protest, criticize and accuse even more, which makes your partner withdraw even more, and this becomes the negative cycle in your relationship.

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As a couples therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, I understand that this is your way of trying to get your partner to acknowledge your pain, create change and seek closeness.  But perpetuating the negative cycle doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  

Each partner, regardless of their attachment style, needs to learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

• Doing your part, together with your partner, to create an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Also see my article: Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to perpetuate the negative cycle in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Toxic Stress?

Stress is a common response to daily experiences in life--both positive and negative.  It can be beneficial when it motivates you to make positive changes in your life.  

What is Toxic Stress?

However, when stress is chronic and overwhelming and you don't have internal resources or emotional support to deal with stress, it can become toxic stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

This article will focus on the connection between toxic and trauma as it begins in early childhood and continues into adulthood (see my article: Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care).

What Are the Different Types of Stress?

• Positive Stress: Positive stress is also known as eustress. Positive stress responses are normal responses to infrequent, short lived and mild stressful experiences. During childhood, if a child is given emotional support to deal with positive stress, the child develops motivation and resilience.  Over time, as a child develops skills to deal with positive stressors, the child also develops self confidence.  Examples of positive stress for children include:

• Meeting new people
• Learning a new task
• Learning a new game or hobby

• Tolerable Stress: Tolerable stress is more frequent, sustained and severe.  Tolerable stress has more of an impact on the mind and body as compared to positive stress. With emotional support, once the tolerable stress is removed, a child's mind and body usually return to their normal level of functioning.  Examples of tolerable stress for children include:

• Parental divorce
• Death of a loved one

• Toxic Stress: Toxic stress often begins in childhood where prolonged exposure to stress has a damaging effect on a child's mind and body. When children are exposed to unrelenting stress without emotional support, the mind and body are often unable to recover. Toxic stress is related to adverse childhood experiences (see below) also known as ACEs. Examples of toxic stress include:

• Abuse
• Emotional neglect
  
• Poverty
• Food scarcity
• Poor health
• Violence
• family dysfunction including, but not limited to, caregivers with substance abuse or mental health conditions

What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events, as mentioned above, that occur in childhood (ages 0-17 years) that can result in toxic stress.

Toxic stress related to ACEs can result in health and mental health problems especially if these experiences are unmitigated by emotional support from loved ones.

How Common Are Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)?

Unfortunately, ACEs are common.

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Toxic Stress

Approximately 64% of adults reported they had at least one experience with ACEs and about 17.3% of adults reported having four or more experiences as children with ACEs. 

All children are potentially at risk for ACEs, but ACEs are more likely to occur with girls, racial minorities and in families where adults are unemployed or unable to work.

What is the Effect of ACEs and Toxic Stress?

Without emotional support ACEs and toxic stress can result in one or more of the following problems:

• Permanent damaging effects to brain architecture

• Epigenetic change alteration (modifications to DNA which determine whether genes are turned on or off)

• Long term health consequences, including

• Immune dysregulation
• Persistent inflammatory state and health conditions related to inflammation
• Increased risk for cancer and heart disease
• Other chronic health problems

• Long term mental health consequences, including:

• Anxiety
  
• Depression
• Emotional dysregulation
• Other mental health problems

How Do ACEs and Toxic Stress Effect Adults?

Adults who grew up exposed to ACEs without emotional support are more likely to get into unhealthy relationships.

Toxic Stress and Adult Relationship Problems

Without emotional and mental health support, this can have a traumatic intergenerational traumatic impact where one generation after the next form unstable relationships.

Adults who experienced ACEs as children have an increased risk for having an unstable work history, financial problems, debt and other related problems.

How to Reduce the Risk of ACEs and Toxic Stress

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are preventable.  

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is the national public health agency for the U.S.  It is a federal agency under the Health and Human Services Department.

The CDC recommends the following steps to prevent ACEs:

• Strengthening family financial security
• Implementing family-friendly work policies
• Promoting public education campaigns to educate people about ACEs
• Promoting legislative approaches to reduce corporal punishment
• Promoting bystander approaches
• Promoting men and boys as allies in prevention
• Implementing early childhood programs to ensure a strong start for children
• Implementing high quality child care
• Promoting preschool enrichment with family involvement
• Teaching social-emotional learning
• Teaching safe dating and relationship skills
• Teaching parenting and healthy family relationship skills
• Developing mentor programs
• Developing after school programs
• Developing enhanced primary care
• Developing victim-centered services
• Developing treatment approaches to reduce the harm of ACEs
• Developing treatment to prevent problem behavior and future involvement in violence
• Developing family-centered treatment for substance abuse

Getting Help in Therapy

As an adult, if you have been impacted by toxic stress, you could benefit from seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, who has an expertise with toxic stress and trauma, can help you to overcome the damaging effects of toxic stress.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples overcome the impact of toxic stress and trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

Your Psychotherapist Thinks About You Between Sessions

I had my first experience with therapy when I was 18 years old.  I wanted to move out on my own to be independent, but I also felt ambivalent about being on my own, so I sought help from a psychoanalyst who had a lot of experience working with teenagers.

After a few months of therapy, I was able to move out to a women's residence in Greenwich Village which was recommended by my therapist. This turned out to be the best decision I could have made for myself.  Not only was it affordable at the time, but it also enabled me to grow in ways I couldn't have imagined at the time.  

Your Therapist Thinks About You Between Sessions

An added benefit was that the residence was just a few short blocks from my therapist's office, so it felt safe to be close to his office.  But I also had mixed feelings about being so close because I wondered if I would run into him on the street and whether this would be uncomfortable for me or for him (I never did run into him).

I often wondered if my therapist thought about me between sessions, which I didn't have the courage to ask him at the time. But I obviously hoped that he did because it would have meant to me that he thought I was important enough to think about--even when I wasn't in his office.

My therapist and I had our ups and downs, but overall it was a very positive experience (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

That therapy ended successfully five years later, and I can look back on that experience as having had a profound impact in my life.  That experience also made me want to become a therapist.

Many years later, after graduate school, I attended the same psychoanalytic postgraduate training program where my former therapist taught and supervised.  

Sadly, he died several years before I entered the program, so he never knew I chose that program, but I often thought about him while I was in training, walking the same corridors he walked through and sitting in the same classrooms and consultation rooms.

During my first year of training, I was shocked to stumble upon articles my former therapist had written about his adolescent clients. I can still remember my heart was pounding when I found the folder in the institute's library with his name on it.  

Most of the articles were written during the same time period when I was in therapy with him, which filled me with hope and dread.  The hopeful part of me wondered: Would I find articles about me? And the part that felt dread also wondered: Would I find articles about me!?!

I felt like I had discovered a hidden treasure that might make me happy because he might have actually thought enough about me to write an article. Or, it could be disappointing: There's nothing in the articles about me. And why not?

Without reading the articles, I photocopied them in a hurry and placed the folder back in the library drawer. 

I know now that my feelings weren't unique. Any therapist or therapist-in-training who has ever sat in the audience for a talk given by their therapist knows the mixture of hope and dread that a presentation might be about them.

I also know now that therapists must get consent from their clients before discussing their case in a paper, book or presentation.  

But I didn't know this at the start of my postgraduate psychoanalytic training, so when I started reading my former therapist's articles, I read through them quickly to see if any of the cases even remotely sounded like mine.  But, for better or worse, none of them did, and I was filled with a combination of relief and disappointment.  

I was relieved to not feel so emotionally exposed by reading anything about myself that would reflect poorly on me or how he felt about me.  And, at the same time, I felt disappointed not to find myself in any of these articles because I wondered: Did he think about me at all between sessions?

Why Your Therapist Thinks About You Between Sessions

Now that I've been a psychotherapist for over 20 years, I know that therapists do think about their clients between sessions.  

So, if you've ever wondered about this, here are several reasons why your therapist probably thinks about you between therapy sessions:

• Reflecting on Therapy Sessions: Most therapists take the time between sessions to reflect on their sessions with clients. They think about their interactions with clients, any interventions they attempted and how to plan for the next session. They also think about whatever the sessions might have brought up for them personally and professionally. This is a valuable part of therapists' training and helps therapists to help their clients.

• Seeking Consultations: Therapists in training must be in supervision in order to become licensed. But even after a therapist has a license, she will have times when she seeks professional consultations. These consultations are usually with a therapist who has more experience in an area the consultee doesn't have.  To protect confidentiality, the therapist who is seeking the consultation doesn't reveal the client's name but provides basic information. Even seasoned psychotherapists seek consultations when they think it could benefit their clients.

• Making Referrals: A therapist might make a referral to a colleague or to another healthcare professional, including a referral to a medical doctor, physical therapist, a therapist who specializes in certain issues or another healthcare professional. These referrals are made only if you agree and provide your consent.  For instance, if your therapist isn't a trauma therapist and you need a referral for trauma therapy, she might recommend that you seek help with an EMDR therapist.

• Feeling Moved By a Client in Session: Most therapists are caring human beings so they're often moved by what happens in sessions with their clients. Seeing a client making an emotional breakthrough is one of the most rewarding things a therapist can experience in session, so therapists will often think about those moments between sessions with compassion and awe.

Conclusion

As an 18 year old new to therapy and, later in life, as a therapist in training, I wondered if my former therapist thought about me between sessions.  

Now, as an experienced psychotherapist, I know that he did because most therapists hold their clients in their hearts and minds between sessions.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.