Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 1

In his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, Dr. Jack Morin says that if you want to explore your most enjoyable turn-ons, you can think back on your most pleasurable and compelling sexual experiences (see my article: What is Good Sex? and Understanding Your Sex Script).

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences 

What Are Peak Experiences?

Peak experiences can occur in any part of your life--not just your sex life.  They can include (but are not limited to):

• Transcendent moments of joy
• A sense of wonder, awe or ecstasy
• A highly valued experience due to its intensity, depth of feeling or a sense of profound significance
• A religious or spiritual experience

Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Dr. Morin's concept of sexual peak experiences was influenced by Dr. Abraham Maslow who focused on the "psychology of health" in the 1960s to counterbalance the negativity in psychology at that time.

Dr. Maslow was interested in many different types of peak experiences, including the experience of being enraptured by beautiful music, artwork, nature, dance, and athletics, among other things.  

During those moments of rapture and ecstasy, you are fully in the moment, and many people describe those moments as being life changing.

Dr. Maslow developed his theory of self actualization with a pyramid of the Hierarchy of Needs, which included five needs from lowest to highest:

• Physiological Needs: The needs that keep you alive, including food, air, water, sleep
• Safety Needs: The need to feel secure, stable and unafraid
• Love and Belongingness Needs: The need to belong socially by developing relationships with friends and family
• Esteem Needs: The need to feel self esteem based on achievements and abilities and recognition and respect from others
• Self Actualization Needs: The need to pursue and fulfill your unique potential

According to Dr. Maslow, almost everyone has peak experiences but "self actualizers" have these experiences more often.  

What Characteristics Do Self Actualizers Have That Allow Them to Have More Peak Experiences?

Dr. Maslow posited that self actualizers have certain unique characteristics that enable them to have peak experiences, including:

• A Sense of Independence With Their Own Perspective: They're usually autonomous and they don't necessarily conform to what others believe.  They're open to new experiences, even if others are not, and they develop their own perspective.  Their sense of independence allows them to live in the moment and appreciate what's around them.

• An Enjoyment of Solitude and Privacy: Although they enjoy the company of others, self actualizers value their solitude and privacy.  Solitude and privacy is essential to self discovery and developing their individual potential.

• A Sense of Spontaneity and Openness: Although they can go along with social norms when necessary, they also tend to be open, spontaneous and unconventional. They don't feel confined by rigid social norms.

• A Sense of Humor: They're able to see the humor in situations, which helps them to get through tough times.  They can laugh at themselves, but they don't use humor to ridicule others.

• An Appreciation For the Journey:  Rather than being only focused on their end goal, self actualizers can appreciate the journey along the way.  Rather than seeing the journey as a means to an end, they enjoy the steps along the way (see my article: Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress Along the Way to Meeting Your Goals?).

Elements of Peak Sexual Experiences

Dr. Morin recommends that you consider those peak moments of high sexual arousal to understand the crucial elements of those experiences and how these elements came together to make a peak sexual experience, including:

• Your partner
• The setting
• A particular twist or surprise in your sexual interaction

According to Dr. Morin, those peak experiences reveal a lot about how your personal eroticism works.

Focusing on Your Peak Sexual Experiences as a Window Into Your Erotic Mind

Dr. Morin provides clinical examples in his book of how his clients learned about what turned them on by focusing on peak erotic experiences (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Rather than focusing on their problems, they focused on memories of what sexual experiences turned them on.  They were able to overcome sexual problems by understanding and using these experiences to enhance their sex life.

My Next Article: I'll continue to explore these issues in my next article with a clinical vignette (see my next article: Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why an individual's or couple's sex life can wane.  

Once medical issues have been ruled out, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful to overcoming the obstacles to a more fulfilling sex life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships, I gave a basic description of this dynamic.  In the current article, which is Part 2, I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate a typical scenario.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

Clinical Vignette:  Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates a typical dynamic related to irrational jealousy and mate guarding:

Sue

After her boyfriend, Nick, told her that they should take some time apart, Sue sought help in therapy to deal with her irrational jealousy.

Sue told her therapist that Nick was a great guy and she had no objective reason to believe he was cheating on her or even interested in anyone else.  However, even the mere thought that he could become interested in another woman made her anxious, obsessively jealous and insecure.

She gave many examples of when she and Nick were around other people and how she would imagine Nick with one of the women in the group.  She felt something came over her, she lost all objectivity and then she would spend the rest of the night monitoring Nick's behavior--even watching to see if he glanced at any of the attractive women in the group.

Afterwards when they were alone, Sue would grill Nick to try to find out if he found any of these women attractive.  Since Nick knew about Sue's irrational jealousy, he would try to change the subject, but once Sue was on the topic, she wouldn't let it go.

Eventually, after she hounded Nick about whether he noticed the attractive women at the social event, they would get into an argument and she would break up with him.  

Once she calmed down, Sue realized that these thoughts had taken over her better judgment and she would apologize to Nick.  Then, they would make up and get along for a while until the next time that Sue got jealous.

After the last event, Sue insisted that Nick check in with her several times a day to give her an account of his whereabouts.  She also told him that she wanted to install a tracking device on his phone, which he adamantly refused.

Most of the time Nick was patient with Sue, but after a particularly volatile exchange where she accused him of looking at an attractive women at a party, Nick said he was fed up. That's when he told her that he thought they needed some time apart.

As usual, when Sue calmed down, she realized she was being irrational and she apologized, but Nick insisted that they spend a few months apart so he could clear his head.  Even though Sue felt remorseful because she realized her mistake, she was even more concerned now that they were apart that Nick would meet someone else during their separation.

Sue revealed to her therapist that this wasn't the first time she experienced irrational jealousy in a relationship.  She felt the same way in her previous two serious relationships and her jealousy contributed to the demise of those relationships.  

In each case, she said, she knew logically that she had no reason to be jealous, but she felt once she became jealous, she couldn't help herself.  She told her therapist that she didn't want her jealousy to ruin her relationship with Nick, and she hoped it wasn't too late to overcome her problem.

As Sue discussed her family history with her therapist, she recounted her parents' marital problems.  She said her parents fought openly in front of Sue and her siblings about the father's infidelity (see my article: How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Intimate Relationships).

She said her mother eventually found out that the father not only had an extramarital affair, but he also had several children with the other woman.  According to Sue, after her mother found out the father had another secret family, she threw him out of the house and he went to live with the other woman and their children.

Sue said she and her father had been very close before this, but after her mother told him to leave, she didn't see him for many years.  She said she believed as a child, and even as an adult, that her father loved his other children more and she was devastated by the loss.

Just before her father died, Sue said, he reached out to her and her siblings to reconnect.  Her siblings wanted nothing to do with him, but she went to visit him and spent the remaining weeks of his life visiting him at the hospital.  By then, he was a sad and lonely man--his relationship with the other woman had been long over and he had no contact with the children from that relationship.

Even though she had a chance to reconnect with her father before he died, she couldn't overcome her longstanding feelings of being abandoned and that her belief that he preferred the children from the other relationship (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy Relationship).

Her therapist recognized that Sue's childhood trauma was triggering Sue, and that history was having a negative impact on her relationship with Nick. So she helped Sue to develop internal resources to contain her emotions first, and then they worked on the original source of the trauma related to feeling abandoned by her father with a combination of EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP therapy).

Once Sue processed and resolved her childhood traumatic memories over the course of trauma therapy, she was able to distinguish between her emotions related to her memories and her current relationship with Nick and she was no longer triggered.

Eventually, Sue no longer felt jealous and she had no need to engage in mate guarding behavior. Over time, after she and Nick reunited, they were much happier together.

Conclusion

When a person knows there are no objective reasons to feel jealous in their relationship and yet they still struggle with jealousy and mate guarding behavior, there is usually underlying unresolved trauma that is getting triggered. 

Trauma therapy can be very helpful in processing unresolved memories that trigger irrational jealousy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Although the clinical vignette presented above was focused on a woman who engaged in irrationally jealous behavior, this story could have just as easily been about a man because both men and women engage in these dynamics.

Getting Help in Therapy

Irrational jealousy and mate guarding behavior can ruin a relationship.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome problems related to irrational jealousy so you can free yourself from this dynamic and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships - Part 1

Most people would agree that being abandoned by a spouse or a romantic partner can be heartbreaking.  This is especially true when a partner leaves to be with someone else.  However, even in relationships where there is no objective threat, jealousy and mate guarding behavior can be the destructive element that drives a couple apart (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy).

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

What is Mate Guarding?

Mate guarding occurs in both the animal kingdom and among humans.

Mate guarding can involve:

• keeping constant tabs on a partner
• checking that a partner is where s/he says she is
• going through a partner's phone or personal items to look for suspicious calls, texts or email, letters, hotel bills, etc.
• secretly listening into phone calls
• installing a tracking device in a partner's phone or car
• stalking/spying on a partner
• asking friends or other individuals to keep tabs on a partner
• questioning a partner about friendships, coworkers and other people
• constantly questioning a partner's motives about engaging in separate activities
• wanting a partner to give up certain social activities 

And so on.

The Effect of Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

Irrational jealousy that turns into mate guarding can have a very toxic effect on a relationship.  The partner who is engaging in mate guarding can lose objectivity and become irrational and accusatory.

Most partners who are being unfairly accused of wrongdoing eventually become resentful.  In addition, the partner who is on the receiving end of mate guarding behavior often feels controlled and suffocated, which creates even greater problems.  

By being irrationally jealous, the partner who fears being abandoned can actually bring about the demise of the relationship if the partner gets fed up.  At the very least, it erodes the quality of the relationship.

When someone has a history of jealous mate guarding, s/he often has insecure attachment problems, specifically, anxious attachment.  See my articles:  

• What is Your Attachment Style?, 
• How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?
• How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example of irrational jealousy and mate guarding in a relationship.  See Part 2 of this topic.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to step back from irrational jealousy on your own.  Triggers often occur so quickly that you don't have time to reflect on your irrational thoughts.

Even if you know objectively that your jealousy is irrational, you might feel very different on an emotional level.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you get to the root of your problems to help you change your behavior.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can enjoy your relationship and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse

Foreplay is commonly thought of as sexual activity that precedes sexual intercourse.  As such, it's often considered secondary to sexual penetration, including penis in vagina or penis in anus penetration (PIV or PIA).  Unfortunately, for many couples foreplay can last only a few minutes or it can be completely nonexistent (see my article:  What is Good Sex?)

Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse

In his books, She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives, sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. emphasizes that sexual foreplay is more than just a prelude to intercourse, especially for women.  He indicates that what we normally think of as foreplay should be considered "coreplay" because it's an essential part of sex and, in particular, core to women's sexual pleasure.

Human sexuality professor Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. stresses in her book, Becoming Cliterate - Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It, that a focus on the penetration model of sex (PIV or PIA) is shortchanging women of the sexual pleasure they seek and deserve.

According to a 2016 sex research study with over 52,500 participants published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 95% of heterosexual men usually or always have an orgasm during sex as compared to only 65% of women.  The discrepancy between men's and women's response is known as the orgasm gap (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).  

Dr. Mintz, who is a sex positive advocate for closing the orgasm gap between men and women, emphasizes that the main reason for this gap is cultural ignorance about what most women need to experience an orgasm, specifically ignorance about the clitoris and the importance of clitoral stimulation.

Accordingly, based on sex research, Dr. Mintz challenges the idea that sexual intercourse is the best (or only) way for heterosexual women to have a climax (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

According to current sex research, a whopping 75% of women don't experience orgasm through sexual penetration alone (PIV or PIA). As previously stated, most women need clitoral stimulation.  However, many women, who lack access to good sex education about this issue, believe there's something wrong with them if they don't experience orgasms through PIV or PIA alone.

Even for couples where they're knowledgeable about the importance of clitoral stimulation, many men in those relationships approach pleasuring their female partners with oral sex as if it's a chore.  These same men often like to experience receiving oral sex but, for a variety of reasons, they don't want to reciprocate with their partner.  Needless to say, this is selfish.

When women sense that men don't like to reciprocate with oral sex, they're often hesitant to ask their partner to "go down" on them.  As a result, it's not unusual for these women to approach sex as something they have to "get through" because it's not pleasurable for them, but they don't want to annoy their partners.  In many cases, they also don't feel like they deserve sexual pleasure.

Similarly, Esther Perel, Ph.D., who is also a sex therapist, emphasizes that we need to reconsider foreplay as "more than just a warm up act" to intercourse.  She indicates that foreplay is an atmosphere a couple creates and it can run through the entire relationship.

Dr. Perel says foreplay is the art of anticipation which builds sexual tension between two people.  From her perspective foreplay is essentially about playing.  It can include a look, a gesture, banter, a text, and so on (see her book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic).  

There is more information available today from books and podcasts about enhancing sexual pleasure than ever before, but there's still not enough.  Complicating the matter, most sex education programs in the US are only focused on prevention and disease.  While this is important information, a comprehensive sex education program needs to include education about sexual pleasure--not just the potential problems that can occur during sex.

Due to the lack of information about pleasure in sex education programs, many people, especially young men, get most of their information about sex from watching porn, which gives a distorted perspective about sexual pleasure.  For instance, in heterosexual porn the woman is usually shown as being ready to have sex immediately without any prior sexual stimulation.  

Another important contributing factor is that many women don't understand their own anatomy.  This isn't women's fault.  Again, it gets back to the lack of information in sex education programs and taboos around women discovering what gives them sexual pleasure (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure - The Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).  Also see Betty Dodson's book, Sex For One: The Joy of Selfloving).

In addition, many women suffer with dyspareunia, which is painful sex during intercourse due to physical and/or psychological issues.  Dyspareunia often goes untreated because women are too ashamed to get help and/or the medical community sometimes, unwittingly, sets up obstacles to appropriate medical treatment, which often consists of seeing a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues (see Heather Jeffcoat's book, Sex Without Pain).

Another problem is that many couples feel too ashamed to talk to each other about sex.  Many of these problems, including the most common one, discrepancies in sexual desire, could be overcome if couples learned to discuss what they like and don't like sexually (see my articles:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Conclusion

There needs to be a rethinking of sexual foreplay as more than the preclude or the "opening act" to intercourse but as an essential part of sex.

To improve sex between heterosexual men and women there needs to be: 

• More and better sex education, including cliteracy, about sexual pleasure for women and men

• Psychoeducation for women about their bodies and that they are deserving of sexual pleasure

• Improved communication about sex between heterosexual men and women

• Improved access to appropriate medical and psychological care for women who experience sexual pain or other sexual problems 

• Men who are willing to prioritize their female partner's sexual pleasure

• A willingness for couples to talk openly about what they enjoy sexually

Getting Help in Therapy

The psychological and emotional toll that sexual problems cause can exact a big toll for individuals and people in relationships. 

Many relationships end unnecessarily because couples don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  As a result, longstanding problems go unaddressed, resentment builds and people feel they have no other option but to end the relationship.

If you're struggling with unresolved issues, you're not alone.  Reach out for help.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through these issues so you can have a more fulfilling life.  Help is a phone call away.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Relationships: Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You

A soulmate is commonly defined as a special someone who is uniquely destined to be your  romantic partner forever. Usually, a soulmate is thought to be a partner who was placed on this earth just for you.  He or she is "the one."

Relationships: Why Looking for a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You

The belief in soulmates is common.  For instance, a 2011 Marist poll revealed that nearly 75% of people believe in the concept of soulmates, and people often talk about searching for that unique person who is destined to be with them forever.

Why Searching For a Soulmate Will Disappoint You

So what's wrong with believing in a soulmate?

While it might feel comforting to believe that there is a special someone out there who is  meant for you and only you, this concept is unrealistic and it can also be damaging to the prospects of any potential long term relationship.

Most people who believe in soulmates believe their relationship with this person should be easy and effortless.  

After all, if this person is really "the one," there would be effortless compatibility.  There would be no need to work things out in a relationship of soulmates because, as per the logic of soulmates, if there were problems, this person wouldn't be a true soulmate.

The concept of one person destined to be your one true love is magical thinking.  While this might be fun to daydream about during your adolescence, if you continue to believe in this form of magical thinking, it will backfire on you and no relationship will satisfy you.

Clinical Vignette: Why the Search for a Soulmate Backfires

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates why the concept of soulmates is unrealistic and damaging:

Nan

When Nan was in her early teens, she and her friends would talk dreamily about how happy they would be when they got older and found their soulmates. Nan believed that they would each eventually meet the man of their dreams and they would live happily ever after like in the fairytales. 

When she was in high school, she began to date casually.  There was one boy in particular, Nick, that she really liked when she was in her senior year of high school.  At first, since they were both head-over-heels infatuated with each other, Nan believed that Nick was her soulmate.  But after a few months, they began to argue over their college choices. 

Nan wanted to attend a commuter school close to home in New York City so she could remain close to Nick and her parents.  But Nick wanted to attend a school on the West Coast where he was offered a full scholarship.  He tried to persuade Nan that they could maintain a long distance relationship.

As they continued to bicker, Nan no longer believed that Nick was her soulmate because if he was, they wouldn't be arguing.  From her perspective, since the relationship was no longer easy, he must not be the person she was destined to be with, so she ended it.

Nan's belief in soulmates continued throughout college and even several years after college.  Each time she fell in love with a man, she thought he was her soulmate.  But when even minor problems arose, she changed her mind because the relationship was no longer easy.

After experiencing several similar disappointments, Nan began to despair that she would ever meet her soulmate.  She wondered where he might be and how would she ever meet him in a planet with billions of people.

By the time she was in her late 20s, her disappointment and despair increased and Nan sought help in therapy.  She wanted very much to get married and have a "forever relationship" and she was worried that she might never meet "the one" who was meant for her.  

As they discussed Nan's views, her psychotherapist pointed out how much pressure Nan was placing on herself and on whoever was her boyfriend at the time.

Reluctantly, as Nan continued to attend therapy and as she observed her friends' marriages, she realized that there was no such thing as a "perfect" relationship that was destined for her.  She also realized that no one was going to be perfect and all relationships take work--even healthy ones.

Although letting go of the idea of a soulmate was disappointing, Nan developed more realistic ideas about relationships.  Instead of thinking that everything would magically work out with one person she was destined to be with, she realized that there were potentially many people she could be happy with if she gave herself and the relationship a chance.

She worked with her therapist to explore what was important to her in terms of being in a relationship.  Over time, she realized she wanted someone who would be kind, honest, dependable, and intelligent with values that were similar to hers.

Instead of being so focused on the other person's qualities, she focused on herself to develop those same qualities in herself.

When she began dating Dave, Nan realized that they had an emotional connection she hadn't felt before.  She also saw that he had all the qualities she wanted in a long term partner.  But when they bickered, she wondered if they were right for one another and she brought this up in her therapy sessions.

In the past, whenever even small problems arose, Nan would leave the relationship because she believed someone who was truly her soulmate would be perfect for her and the relationship would have no problems.

She had never tried to work out differences in prior relationships, so trying to work things out with Dave was new and scary for her.  

But, gradually, she saw that their small arguments were normal and common to all relationships.  She also developed the necessary relationship skills and confidence to pick and choose her battles since the most important aspects of what she wanted in a relationship were there between her and Dave.

Eventually, when they moved in together, Nan realized that her former ideas about soulmates were part of her childhood and that, as an adult, she had developed more realistic ideas of what to expect in a relationship.  

She also realized that no relationship is destined to be a "forever relationship," but if they continued to work together on developing themselves as individuals and as a couple, they would be together for as long as they were both happy.

Conclusion

The idea that you'll find a soulmate is a concept that is part of childhood and adolescence.  

As an adult, if you want a mature relationship, part of being an adult is letting go of magical thinking that leads you to believe there is one person who is uniquely destined for you.

When you believe in soulmates, not only will you be disappointed when you come up against the common problems of all relationships, but your unrealistic expectations will prevent you from doing the necessary work involved to succeed in an adult relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Change can be difficult and there are times when you might need help to get through a challenging time.

If you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are preventing you from living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself When You're Having Sex?

The sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, did groundbreaking work on the human sexual response.  As part of their work, they developed a term called "spectatoring" in the 1970s to describe the experience of self consciously watching yourself while having sex. 

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts in Bed?

When you're spectatoring, instead of being present with your partner, you're both a participant and a spectator of the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor.  It gets in the way of being fully present and sexually aroused.  It can also turn sex into a performance rather than an intimate experience (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Spectatoring often comes with an anxious, self conscious, critical voice.  It's the opposite of being present with your partner.  It can include critical comments about your body image: "I wonder if my partner thinks I look fat" or negative thoughts about how you're interacting sexually: "Does my partner like how I'm touching her?" (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Instead of being attuned to your partner's and your own sexual experience, you're making negative comments about yourself in your mind as if you're someone else. 

You might also be distracted by unresolved issues in your relationship or unresolved trauma (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If you're spectatoring, you're distracted, so chances are very good you're not enjoying your experience.  Also, your partner probably realizes that you're not present, so the experience is less satisfying for him or her too.

How to Stop Spectatoring Using Mindfulness

One way to overcome spectatoring is to use mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a practice where you focus on what you're feeling and sensing in the moment without judgment or interpretation.  

Not only does it help you to focus, it also helps you to relax (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Before you use mindfulness during sex, I recommend that you practice mindfulness daily during everyday activities, like when you're walking, savoring a meal, smelling flowers, taking a shower or any other similar activity.  

You can also practice mindfulness during solo pleasuring (masturbation) to enhance your experience, get to know what you like sexually and be able to communicate this to your partner (see my articles: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

By practicing mindfulness, you can develop the skill of being mindfully present in bed with your partner, which will make sex more pleasurable.

Getting Help in Therapy

Asking for help can be challenging, but struggling with unresolved problems is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help in Therapy).

Everyone needs help at some point, so if you're feeling stuck, you're not alone.

A skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from living a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning About Yourself in a Relationship

Although there are many ways to learn about yourself, including keeping a journal, talking to friends and family members, and going to therapy, being in a relationship can be very revealing (see my article:  Growing As An Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Learning About Yourself in a Relationship

Many people think they have to work out all their issues before they can be in a relationship, but there will always be issues and by waiting you could be missing out on a potentially good relationship. 

Being emotionally vulnerable is one of the keys to a successful relationship.  Although this can be difficult for some people because of their history of being hurt in their family of origin or in previous relationships, learning to be emotionally vulnerable helps you to discover who you are and enhances your relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

What You Can Learn About Yourself When You're in a Relationship

Here are some of the key things you can learn about yourself when you're in a relationship:

• Your Attachment Style: Your attachment style develops at an early age with your primary caregivers.  If you were lucky enough to grow up in a nurturing, stable environment with caregivers who were attuned to your needs, chances are you developed a secure attachment style.  If not, you probably developed an insecure attachment style.  Regardless of your attachment style, you relate to your partner based on your style.  However, even if you developed an insecure attachment style, whether it's avoidant, anxious or disorganized, you have an opportunity to develop a secure attachment style with a partner who has a secure style (see my articles: Relationships: What is Your Attachment Style?, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship, and Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

• Your Communication Skills:  How well do you communicate with loved ones? Are you open to expressing your feelings or do you tend to withdraw and bottle things up?  When you're in a relationship, there are many opportunities to talk about your feelings--both positive and so-called "negative" feelings.  Even if you enter a relationship lacking good communication skills, constructive feedback from your partner can go a long way to helping you to improve this skill.

• Your Coping Skills: Every life has its inevitable ups and downs.  Most people can handle things when life is going well, but how well you handle challenges, including problems in your relationship, reveal a lot about your coping skills.  Whether you avoid problems or deal with them as they come up reveals your particular style of handling problems. Becoming aware of your coping skills and having self compassion is the first step towards changing them (see my article: Developing a Compassionate Attitude Towards Your Maladaptive Coping Skills).

• Your Love Language: According to Dr. Gary Chapman, who wrote The 5 Love Languages, there are five different ways of expressing and receiving love in a relationship (and some relationship experts believe there are more than five ways):  words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  You can learn a lot about yourself and your partner in terms of each of your love languages. When you get to know your partner, you also learn to relate to them in terms of their love language (as opposed to relating to them based on your love language).  In reality, everyone has more than one love language, but there is often one that predominates.  Here are the love languages as outlined by Dr. Chapman in his book:

• Words of Affirmation: People with this love language value verbal acknowledgements of affection (saying "I love you" frequently, compliments and words of appreciation, encouragement).

• Quality Time: People with this love language feel loved when their partner wants to spend time with them.  This includes active listening, eye contact and being fully present.

• Acts of Service: People with this love language as primary like it when their partner goes out of their way to make their life easier.  In other words, actions speak louder than words.  

• Gifts: Visual symbols of love are what is most important with people who value gifts as their primary love language.  They like to know that their partner spent the time to think about getting them meaningful gifts.  The key is the meaningfulness of the gift.

• Physical Touch: This includes physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling and having sex.  Physical intimacy is very powerful for people with physical touch as their primary love language.  They value the warmth and comfort that comes with physical touch.

• Your Values and Priorities: What do you value most in your life? What are your goals? How important are your familial relationships, friendships and your partner?  Even if you don't usually think a lot about your values and priorities, you can learn a lot about them in a relationship in terms of how you prioritize your partner and whether your partner's values and priorities are similar to yours.  

• Your Strengths: Ideally, your partner and you bring out the best in each other and, if not, this is an important area to work on.  You might have strengths you're unaware of--until you see yourself in a relationship and become aware of them.  You might also realize that you and your partner complement each other (or not).

• Your Shortcomings: You might be aware that, just like everyone else, you have certain shortcomings, but when you're in a relationship, these shortcomings become glaringly clear.  Although many people feel uncomfortable acknowledging their shortcomings, when you're in a relationship, you have an opportunity to improve them.  It helps if, to start, you have self compassion because it makes it easier to change (Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Being in a relationship, especially after the "honeymoon phase," can be challenging, but if you're in a healthy relationship, the emotional rewards, including the opportunity for self discovery, outweigh the difficulties (see my articles: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.  

Taking the first step, which is contacting a licensed psychotherapist, is often the hardest one, but a skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles to leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist,  hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.