Relationships: Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You

A soulmate is commonly defined as a special someone who is uniquely destined to be your  romantic partner forever. Usually, a soulmate is thought to be a partner who was placed on this earth just for you.  He or she is "the one."

Relationships: Why Looking for a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You

The belief in soulmates is common.  For instance, a 2011 Marist poll revealed that nearly 75% of people believe in the concept of soulmates, and people often talk about searching for that unique person who is destined to be with them forever.

Why Searching For a Soulmate Will Disappoint You

So what's wrong with believing in a soulmate?

While it might feel comforting to believe that there is a special someone out there who is  meant for you and only you, this concept is unrealistic and it can also be damaging to the prospects of any potential long term relationship.

Most people who believe in soulmates believe their relationship with this person should be easy and effortless.  

After all, if this person is really "the one," there would be effortless compatibility.  There would be no need to work things out in a relationship of soulmates because, as per the logic of soulmates, if there were problems, this person wouldn't be a true soulmate.

The concept of one person destined to be your one true love is magical thinking.  While this might be fun to daydream about during your adolescence, if you continue to believe in this form of magical thinking, it will backfire on you and no relationship will satisfy you.

Clinical Vignette: Why the Search for a Soulmate Backfires

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many clinical cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates why the concept of soulmates is unrealistic and damaging:

Nan

When Nan was in her early teens, she and her friends would talk dreamily about how happy they would be when they got older and found their soulmates. Nan believed that they would each eventually meet the man of their dreams and they would live happily ever after like in the fairytales. 

When she was in high school, she began to date casually.  There was one boy in particular, Nick, that she really liked when she was in her senior year of high school.  At first, since they were both head-over-heels infatuated with each other, Nan believed that Nick was her soulmate.  But after a few months, they began to argue over their college choices. 

Nan wanted to attend a commuter school close to home in New York City so she could remain close to Nick and her parents.  But Nick wanted to attend a school on the West Coast where he was offered a full scholarship.  He tried to persuade Nan that they could maintain a long distance relationship.

As they continued to bicker, Nan no longer believed that Nick was her soulmate because if he was, they wouldn't be arguing.  From her perspective, since the relationship was no longer easy, he must not be the person she was destined to be with, so she ended it.

Nan's belief in soulmates continued throughout college and even several years after college.  Each time she fell in love with a man, she thought he was her soulmate.  But when even minor problems arose, she changed her mind because the relationship was no longer easy.

After experiencing several similar disappointments, Nan began to despair that she would ever meet her soulmate.  She wondered where he might be and how would she ever meet him in a planet with billions of people.

By the time she was in her late 20s, her disappointment and despair increased and Nan sought help in therapy.  She wanted very much to get married and have a "forever relationship" and she was worried that she might never meet "the one" who was meant for her.  

As they discussed Nan's views, her psychotherapist pointed out how much pressure Nan was placing on herself and on whoever was her boyfriend at the time.

Reluctantly, as Nan continued to attend therapy and as she observed her friends' marriages, she realized that there was no such thing as a "perfect" relationship that was destined for her.  She also realized that no one was going to be perfect and all relationships take work--even healthy ones.

Although letting go of the idea of a soulmate was disappointing, Nan developed more realistic ideas about relationships.  Instead of thinking that everything would magically work out with one person she was destined to be with, she realized that there were potentially many people she could be happy with if she gave herself and the relationship a chance.

She worked with her therapist to explore what was important to her in terms of being in a relationship.  Over time, she realized she wanted someone who would be kind, honest, dependable, and intelligent with values that were similar to hers.

Instead of being so focused on the other person's qualities, she focused on herself to develop those same qualities in herself.

When she began dating Dave, Nan realized that they had an emotional connection she hadn't felt before.  She also saw that he had all the qualities she wanted in a long term partner.  But when they bickered, she wondered if they were right for one another and she brought this up in her therapy sessions.

In the past, whenever even small problems arose, Nan would leave the relationship because she believed someone who was truly her soulmate would be perfect for her and the relationship would have no problems.

She had never tried to work out differences in prior relationships, so trying to work things out with Dave was new and scary for her.  

But, gradually, she saw that their small arguments were normal and common to all relationships.  She also developed the necessary relationship skills and confidence to pick and choose her battles since the most important aspects of what she wanted in a relationship were there between her and Dave.

Eventually, when they moved in together, Nan realized that her former ideas about soulmates were part of her childhood and that, as an adult, she had developed more realistic ideas of what to expect in a relationship.  

She also realized that no relationship is destined to be a "forever relationship," but if they continued to work together on developing themselves as individuals and as a couple, they would be together for as long as they were both happy.

Conclusion

The idea that you'll find a soulmate is a concept that is part of childhood and adolescence.  

As an adult, if you want a mature relationship, part of being an adult is letting go of magical thinking that leads you to believe there is one person who is uniquely destined for you.

When you believe in soulmates, not only will you be disappointed when you come up against the common problems of all relationships, but your unrealistic expectations will prevent you from doing the necessary work involved to succeed in an adult relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Change can be difficult and there are times when you might need help to get through a challenging time.

If you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are preventing you from living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

In a recent New York Times article by Anna North, Here's the Thing That Lasting Love is All About, she discussed how new research has determined that how you see your relationship--whether you see yourselves as "soul mates" or as two people "on a journey" who are facing obstacles and working together to overcome these obstacles--affects how you cope with problems in your relationship.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

According to the research that Ms. North cites in her article, people who see themselves as "destined" to be together, or as some people call it,"soul mates," often don't work as hard as people who take the view that their relationship is like a journey with its inevitable ups and downs.

The research that she mentions indicates that people in a relationship where they see themselves as destined to be together often feel their so-called soul mate is the one and only person and the relationship should be "easy."

This type of thinking implies that when things go wrong, as they invariably do, they often question whether this is actually the person that they should be with rather than working on their problems.

People who see their relationship as being part of a journey usually understand that there will be good times, bad times and in between times, and they will need to work on their relationship when problems arise.

Using the metaphor of a journey, helps them to take the long view rather than assuming that destiny will make for an easy relationship.

In many ways, the research that Ms. North cites in her article confirms what I have observed in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC working with individual adults and couples.

In addition, problems arise when each person in the relationship has different perceptions about relationships.

The following is an example of two people in a relationship where one person thinks in terms of soul mates and destiny, and the other person sees relationships as a journey (as always, this example is a composite of many different cases with all identifying changed to protect confidentiality):

Ann and Bill:
During the first three months of their relationship, Ann and Bill were very happy together.  They met through their political volunteer work and hit it off immediately.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

Bill had been in a couple of short relationships before that didn't work out.  But after he met Ann, he felt he understood why these prior relationships didn't work--because he was meant to be with Ann.  As far he was concerned, destiny brought them together and he saw Ann as being his soul mate.

Ann, who was a few years older than Bill, had been in a couple of long term relationships.  She had a different view of relationships.

Based on her prior her experience with relationships, she felt that after the initial stage of the relationship where everything is new and exciting, a couple will begin to confront issues that need to be worked on.  She considered her relationship with Bill to be new.

She knew they were still getting to know each other.  She also considered their relationship to be a long term process where they would deal with whatever issues came up along the way.

In their fourth month together, they got into an argument about how much time to spend together.  Until then, they were spending almost everyday together, and Ann was hardly seeing her friends.  When she told Bill that she wanted to have time to see her friends on her own, he didn't understand.

His feeling was that, since they were soul mates, they didn't need anyone else in their lives and they should be able to fulfill all of each other's needs.

So when Ann told him that she had certain interests that were important to her and that she knew weren't important to Bill, he began to question whether he and Ann should be together.

From Bill's point of view, soul mates shouldn't be having this type of problem:  The relationship should be easy and if they didn't see eye to eye about this, maybe they weren't meant to be together.

Bill's attitude upset Ann and she suggested that they start couples counseling.  But Bill wasn't sure that he believed in couples counseling.  He felt that if two people were meant to be together, they shouldn't need help from a therapist.

When he talked it over with his best friend, Andy, Bill was shocked to discover that Andy and his wife had been in couples counseling the year before for problems that they were having.

Bill always thought of Andy and Sally as being soul mates who were "perfect" for one another, so hearing that they attended couples counseling and worked through their differences challenged Bill's view of their relationship as well as relationships in general.

Andy encouraged Bill to keep an open mind and not look at relationships with such an "all or nothing" view.

Since Bill admired Andy and Sally, he decided to take his advice, even though it didn't feel right to him, and he agreed to attend couples counseling with Ann.

It took a few months in couples counseling before Bill became really open to seeing that relationships could be more complicated than he had imagined.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

Even after he began to accept this, part of him still wanted to believe that relationships were either "meant to be" or not.  He was giving up a romantic ideal that he had held for all of his life.

Over time, as Bill and Ann continued in couples counseling and Bill talked to other people that he knew in relationships, he realized that no one that he knew had an "ideal" relationship.  Everyone who had been together for a while had issues that they had to work on.

Gradually, Bill and Ann worked out a compromise over time in therapy.  Bill came to see, reluctantly, that he couldn't fulfill all of Ann's needs and she couldn't fulfill all of his needs.

Although Bill was disappointed about this at first, he also realized that this took a lot of pressure off each of them as individuals as well as the relationship.

Ann and Bill worked out a compromise that allowed each of them to have time together, time with their friends, and down time where each of them had time to themselves.

Rather than seeing their relationship as being part of destiny, Bill began to feel good that they were each choosing to be together because they wanted to be rather than feeling that a force beyond them was controlling things.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Will Survive

Also, the tools that each of them developed in couples counseling helped them in many other areas of their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship
Most people who have been in stable long term relationships will tell you that their longevity is due in large part to their flexibility, the compromises that they have each been willing to make, as well as taking the long view, in realistic terms (as opposed to idealizing relationships), about their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship

Most of them would say that there were bumps along the road, but they didn't see these bumps as problematic in themselves.

What is most important, most couples would say, is how they go about navigating the bumps.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many couples benefit from attending couples counseling to help them negotiate the challenges that come with any relationship after a while.

If you and your partner are having difficulties that the two of you have been unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the skills and tools to be happier in your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me