Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment Styles

In my prior blog article,  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships - Part 1, I introduced the attachment theory and the concept that early bonding attachment is very important in terms of its affect on adult relationships.   In this blog article, I will introduce the various attachment styles that mothers (or caregivers) can have, and describe the affect it has when children grow up on their relationships.

While there are no absolutes and there are certainly exceptions, according to attachment theory, the mother's attachment style, in terms of how she relates to her child, is one of the most important factors with regard to how the child will form relationships eventually when the child grows up.

Secure Attachment Style
As I mentioned in my prior article, when early bonding goes well, it bodes well for future adult relationships.  When the infant's mother is attuned to the baby's emotional needs, it is much more likely that when this infant grows up, s/he will be able to have healthy and meaningful adult relationships.  The optimal style of attachment in these cases is called a secure attachment.  As I mentioned before, the mother doesn't need to be "perfect."  She just needs to be good enough.

Early Attachment Bonds and Attachment Styles

When the Mother/Primary Caregiver Has Problems Forming a Bond With the Infant
Unfortunately, not all mothers can provide the optimal style of attachment to their infants.  In addition to the secure attachment style, there are four other categories, which are generally categorized as insecure attachment styles, in addition to the secure attachment style:

Insecure Attachment Styles

• Avoidant Attachment Style
• Ambivalent Attachment Style
• Disorganized Attachment Style
• Reactive Attachment Style

These attachment styles will be described here as if they are discrete styles to simplify these discussions.  However, keep in mind that it's really not that simple and that there can be variations or combinations of styles.

Let's take a look at the four insecure attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style
Generally speaking, as the name implies the mother who has an avoidant attachment style tends to be unavailable or rejecting of the infant, which will often result in the child growing up to be an adult who avoids closeness.  Often, this person grows up to be an adult who is emotionally distant, critical, rigid and intolerant.

Ambivalent Attachment Style
The mother who has an ambivalent attachment style tends to be inconsistent with the infant.  Sometimes, this mother can be intrusive.  The adult who was raised by a mother with an ambivalent attachment style is often anxious and insecure.  He or she might be controlling, critical and erratic.

Disorganized Attachment Style
The mother who has a disorganized attachment style tends to ignore the child's needs.  Often, the mother doesn't understand or even see what the child's needs are.  The mother's behavior can be frightening and traumatizing at times.  The adult who was raised with a mother who had a disorganized attachment style often grows up be chaotic and insensitive.  S/he can be explosive, abusive and mistrustful of others.

Reactive Attachment Style
The mother who has a reactive attachment style is very detached or unable to function with the child. The adult who grew up with a mother who had a reactive attachment style often has a great deal of difficulty forming positive relationships.

In a future blog post, I'll describe the causes of insecure attachment.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How the Early Attachment Bond Can Affect Your Adult Relationships: Part 1

Most infants are born with the ability to bond with their primary caregivers, usually their mothers. Your early experience of bonding with your mother shapes how you will relate in your future relationships as an adult.  I discussed the importance of early bonding in a prior blog article: Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding.

The Mother-Infant Bond

The infant's relationship with his or her mother is the first emotional relationship.  

Under optimal circumstances, if the mother provides the infant with a loving, secure emotional environment, the infant becomes "securely attached" to the mother, and this becomes the basis for future relationships as an adult.  (From here on, it's understood that when I say "mother," I'm referring to the child's primary caregiver.)

How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Adult Relationships

The British psychiatrist John Bowlby and the American psychologist Mary Ainsworfth developed the attachment bond theory.  The attachment bond theory indicates that the relationship between an infants and mothers is responsible for:

• influencing all future relationships
• developing the ability to be aware of our own feelings as well as empathizing with other people's feelings
• developing the ability to be resilient in the face of adversity

An early secure attachment bond allows an adult to:

• manage stress
• develop meaningful relationships with other people
• feel safe
• develop a sense of optimism
• develop the ability to be flexible
• feel secure

Mothers don't need to be "perfect" for infants to form secure emotional attachments.  They just need to be good enough.

In future blog articles, I'll go into more details about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships, and how different parental styles with infants can result in different adult characteristics.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me email.

See my articles:  

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 2: Insecure Attachment

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 3: What Causes Insecure Attachment?

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 4: Understanding the Impact

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

Anger is a common emotional response, especially when someone close to us says or does something that is hurtful.  

Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die

But anger becomes toxic when we hold onto it and refuse to let it go.  We keep the anger alive by going over and over in our minds whatever grievance we have with a particular person, and this becomes an emotionally and sometimes physically toxic experience.

There is much wisdom in the Buddhist saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Holding onto anger is mostly hurtful to ourselves.  It can sour our outlook on life as well as current and future relationships.

Letting Go of Anger is a Process
Letting go of anger is a process.  It's important to acknowledge the anger rather than sweeping it under the rug.  But, beyond this initial stage, it's important to work through the anger so that it doesn't  ruin our emotional well being and our relationships.

Sometimes people hold onto anger because they're afraid to deal with their underlying hurt feelings.  Feeling angry, as opposed to feeling hurt, gives the illusion of feeling empowered.  But, in many ways, holding onto anger is disempowering.  It takes a lot of energy to keep churning anger, and it takes away from other positive areas in our lives.

Letting Go of Anger and Forgiving Isn't the Same as Forgetting
Whether or not you forgive the person who offended you is up to you.  As I've said many times in other blog articles, forgiveness doesn't mean that you're saying whatever happened was all right.  It means that you've made a decision to let go of the hurt and anger you feel when you're ready to do so.   It also means you're ready to move on, whether you decide to keep this person in your life or not.

When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean that you necessarily forget what happened, especially if whatever caused you to feel hurt or angry is part of an ongoing pattern with this person.  It also doesn't mean that you remain in an unhealthy relationship.  But remembering and keeping yourself out of harm's way doesn't mean you have to hold onto the negative emotions.

When holding onto anger becomes habitual, it can make you feel bitter about your life.  Collecting grievances and holding onto them puts an emotional barrier between you and others.  For many people, this is a way to shield themselves from getting hurt again.  But using this defense mechanism comes at a big emotional and sometimes physical cost.

If you find yourself holding onto anger, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What purpose does it serve to hold onto this anger?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting you on an emotional, physical and spiritual level?
• How is holding onto this anger affecting the important relationships in your life?
• Are you less available to others because of the anger that you're holding onto?
• How is holding onto anger affecting your outlook on life and your future?
• How is holding onto anger keeping you from being more present in your life?
• How else is holding onto anger keeping you stuck?

Letting Go of Anger
Making a decision to let go of anger is usually the first step in the letting go process.  If your anger is related to a particularly big betrayal, you can usually expect that the letting go process will take some time.

The important thing to remember is that when you let go of anger, you're doing it mostly for yourself--not necessarily the person that you're angry with.  You're making a conscious decision to move on emotionally so that you're no longer stuck in this negative state.

How to Let Go of Anger

Journal Writing
Many people find it especially helpful to keep a private journal and write down their feelings.  By putting your feelings down on paper, you're getting them out of your head and into the light of day.

Writing down your feelings often helps you to understand.  You could have important insights about yourself as well as the other person.

Talking It Out With a Trusted Loved One
It's important to have a strong emotional support system.  By talking it out with a trusted friend or family member, you might get a different perspective.  It also helps to relieve the stress of pent up anger by talking it out.

Seeking Professional Help From a Licensed Therapist
Depending upon what you're angry about, talking to a friend or family member might not be enough, especially if you're dealing with a particularly difficult act of betrayal by someone close to you.  In those instances, it's often helpful to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who is impartial and who has expertise in helping clients to let go of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you know that letting go of anger has been difficult for you and it has had serious repercussions for you as well as your loved ones, rather than continuing to do what hasn't worked for you all along, you  could benefit from getting professional help so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to let go of the anger and hurt that keep them stuck in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

I've seen it happen so many times among friends, family and with clients in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City:  A relationship with a father or mother, which had been fraught with problems for many years, is reconciled in later years.  

Some of these changes represent a reconciliation of sorts of a problematic lifelong parent-child relationship.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

This often involves a recognition that time is passing and there might not be a chance in the future. At times, the change can be dramatic.

There's an article in today's New York Times Modern Love section by Heather Sellers, Do Not Adjust Your Screen or Sound - NY Times 6/16/13 that describes this type of reconciliation between a father and a daughter as the father approached the end of his life.

Of course, there's no guarantee that a problematic parent-child relationship will change, but I've seen it happen often enough and in relationships where no one would ever expect it to happen to know that these reconciliations aren't just isolated incidents.

Since this is Father's Day, I'll focus on relationships with fathers, but I've seen these type of changes occur in relationships with mothers as well.

The following fictionalized case, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how the adult child-parent relationship can change after many years:

John
John was the youngest of five children.  His father, Jim, left John, John's mother, and four siblings when John was 10 years old.

When Jim loved with the family, his mood was dependent upon his luck at the race track.   When he won, Jim was on top of the world.  He came home in a jolly mood with gifts for everyone.  John loved those times the best.  Jim would take the family out to the amusement park, to dinner, and or on a  weekend get away.

But when he lost at the race track, which happened more often than not, Jim came home irritable and despondent.  During those times, Jim was unapproachable.  He holed up in the den and isolated himself from his family.

As a young child, John loved his father very much, but everyday John felt leery about seeing his father because he never knew what type of mood his father would be in.  He would pray for his father to win so his father would be happy and loving towards John.

But, more times than not, John felt that his prayers went unanswered, and he wondered if he was doing something wrong:  Maybe he wasn't praying enough?  Maybe he wasn't being good enough and God was ignoring him?  This created a lot of anxiety in John as he tried harder by praying more and being extra good.  But nothing changed.

Jim's compulsive gambling often left the family unable to pay the rent, buy food or take care of basic expenses.  Jim also couldn't hold onto a job for more than a few months before he was fired for not showing up.  Instead of going to work, Jim was at the race track betting on horses he thought would be "a sure thing."

When John was nine years old, his mother, Ann, took a job in the local factory to help make ends meet.    This meant that when John and his siblings came home from school, they had to fend for themselves.

John's older sister, Maddie, would start dinner and help John with his homework.  John could detect how much his sister, who was only 14, resented these responsibilities and longed to be out having fun with her friends.

Then, one day, Jim went to the race track and never came back.  John's mother, Ann, called everyone she knew who might know where Jim might have gone.  But no one had heard from him.  She drove around the neighborhood, going to Jim's usual haunts, including the neighborhood bar, but she couldn't find him.

By the next day, Ann filed a police report with the local precinct and she kept calling Jim's friends and families.  But there was no word.

The family was devastated emotionally and financially.  John knew how upset his mother and siblings were, so he kept his feelings to himself.  He didn't want to add to their concerns by showing how upset  he felt.  He just prayed harder and vowed to be the best son that he could be so his father would come back.

Years passed, and no one ever heard from Jim.  His disappearance remained a mystery.  With each passing year, John and his family gradually gave up hope of ever hearing from Jim again.  The family got by on a combination of his mother's meager wages and her family's financial help.

As they got older, each of John's siblings left their home town to take jobs in other cities since their home town offered little in the way of employment.  So, John was the last child at home.

By that time, Ann's father left her enough money to get by and to send John to college.  John wanted to leave his small town and go to college, but he was worried about leaving his mother by herself.  He knew she would be lonely living by herself, but she urged him to leave home and go to college so he would have a better future.

Fast forward 30 years:  Life went on.  John was happily married and living in NYC with his wife, and his daughter and son were away at college.  Ann had died several years before.  From time to time, John thought about his father, especially on Father's Day or on his father's birthday, but he had long ago gave up any hope of seeing his father again.

Then, one day, out of the blue, John received a phone call his older sister, Maddie:  She got a call from their father, who was living in Florida.  At first, she thought it was someone's idea of a heartless prank, but their father assured her that it was him.

When he called her by her childhood nickname, Maddie said, she knew it was him.  He told her that he had pancreatic cancer and he was coming back to NYC to attend treatment at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  Maddie said she wished him well, but she wanted nothing to do with him.  Then, she hung up on him.

Maddie knew that John missed their father, so she gave him the father's telephone number, in case he wanted to talk to him. She told him that, even though she and the other siblings wanted nothing to do with their father, she knew John might feel differently.

John was so shocked that he felt like he was in a dream.  He didn't know what to say, but he felt, once again, that deep longing that he felt when he was a child to see his father.

Soon after that, John began therapy to process his mixed emotions of shock, sadness, and anger.  In situations like this, there's no right or wrong.  Each adult child has to make his or her own decision, and what's right for one sibling might not be right for another.

After much going back and forth, John called his father.  That first conversation was very awkward.  John hardly knew what to say to his father and he felt like he was going to burst out into tears at any second.  He told his father about his life with his wife and children.  His father listened and seemed to be genuinely happy for John.

When John saw his father for the first time in 30 years, his father was receiving treatment at Sloan Kettering.  He looked much older, but Jim still had the same old smile.  At first, they could barely look into each other's eyes, and there were awkward silences.

Then, Jim broached the topic that was on both of their minds:  He told John that he left the family because he was so ashamed that he gambled away the family's meager savings on a horse.  This was something that Ann had never revealed to John and his siblings, so John was completely unaware of this.

As he listened to his father express his shame and regret, John could only imagine how betrayed his mother must have felt.  But he shifted his thoughts to his father and forced himself to stay present.  He knew that it would be only a matter of time for his father because the cancer was already at an advanced stage.

During the next several weeks, John went to the hospital and processed his feelings afterwards in our therapy sessions.  He felt tremendous grief for all the wasted years.  He also regretted that he never tried to locate his father.

John and his father reconciled their relationship as best as they could in the time that they had left.  John's wife and children also came to the hospital, and Jim told John that he was proud of him, which made John feel both happy and sad.

On the day Jim died, John was holding his hand and talking to him about a particularly happy day when Jim took the family on an outing.

Jim was heavily medicated, so John wasn't sure that Jim could hear him, but he thought his father suddenly look peaceful and calm.  And then he was gone.

John was, understandably, sad after his father died, but he was glad that, at least, they had reconciled their relationship to a certain extent before Jim died.  John continued in therapy to deal with the permanent loss of his father.

Reconciling Your Relationship With Your Father
When you're going through a very difficult time with your father, it's often hard to imagine that you and your father could ever reconcile.  But, as I mentioned earlier, this turn of events occurs in many families.

In order to reconcile, it has to be acceptable to both the adult child and the father.  The adult child also needs to be realistic about what to expect.

Reconciliation and Forgiveness
Reconciliation can occur on many levels.  You and your father might not be able to work out all the earlier problems, but you might be able to work out some form of reconciliation, even if it's not perfect. It might be good enough for you and for him.

Forgiveness is a process that often works from surface to depth.  It often begins with your decision that you want to let go of the painful feelings so you can heal.

Even if you can't reconcile with your father because it's not right for you or for him or he's not around any more, if it's right for you, you can work through your anger and resentment so that it's no longer eating away at you.

Letting Go of Resentment So You Can Heal Emotionally
Letting to of resentment doesn't mean that whatever happened was okay.  It means that you no longer want to harbor the negative feelings which can be so emotionally toxic for you.

Getting Help in Therapy
This is often something that's hard to do on your own, and many people find it helpful to work with a licensed psychotherapist to work through these issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to let go of resentment that they've felt for their parents, in some cases, for many years.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles:

Fathers and Son: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad

Fathers and Daughters: Daddy's "Little Girl" Is All Grown Up Now

Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

Trying to Understand Your Father

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

Living a Double Life: Part 2: The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

In my prior blog post, Leading a Double Life: Part 1: The Private Self and Public Self , I introduced the topic of leading a double life.  I gave examples from the common phenomenon of having a private self, which is a normal part of life and isn't about leading a double life, to leading the life of a sociopath, which often involves living a double life filled with secrets and deception.  In today's article, I'll focus on a particular aspect one of leading a double life, infidelity.

The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

I've discussed infidelity in prior blog articles, including:

Infidelity - Married, Bored and Cheating in Sex Chat Rooms
Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You - Should You Stay or Go?
Relationships: Coping With Infidelity
Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're "Not the Type"
Infidelity: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair
Relationships: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?

Leading a Double Life in An Affair is Fraught With Problems
Leading a double life, in a primary relationship while having an affair, is fraught with possible serious emotional consequences for everyone involved.

Most clients that I have worked with who are having affairs are fearful of getting caught.  In most cases, they don't want to hurt their spouse or partner, family or the person they are having an affair with, so they go to great lengths to keep the affair secret and indulge in lies to keep it under cover.

Most people admit that they are aware that if they were caught, they know their spouse or partner would end their relationship.  And even if the spouse doesn't leave, these people are usually aware that it would be a long road back to establish trust again, if it can be reestablished.

But often even this awareness isn't enough to have them give up the affair.  Many of them will acknowledge that they're being selfish by having the affair--wanting to keep their marriage and also have someone else on the side.

The Risk of Getting Caught and the Dopamine Rush
Other people find the secrets and lies exciting.  The thought of getting caught makes the affair even more tantalizing and fun.  Getting away with these secrets and lies makes the affair more risky but also gives them a kind of emotional rush.

This emotional rush has been described to me as similar to a cocaine rush, the rush of placing a bet for people with gambling problems, and so on.

The dopamine rush itself can become a powerful reinforcer of this behavior as they look to keep getting this "high."

If they're honest about it, many people who get a rush admit that if they had their choice, they would be able to keep getting away with the affair and not get caught.

Secrets, Lies and Compartmentalization
Infidelity comes in many forms.  There's everything from the one-time affair that was alcohol fueled at an out of town conference to a 25 year affair.

Keeping an ongoing affair secret usually involves a fair amount of deception.

Most people who have talked to me about having an ongoing affair have told me that, over time, just like other forms of lying, telling lies related to infidelity gets easier in a sense--at least on the surface.

Of course, the experience will be different for everyone.  But many clients have said that, whereas they were very scared the first time they lied to a spouse, after a few times, they found themselves doing it with more ease once they realized that they could get away with it.

This doesn't mean that they felt good about themselves or that they had a clear conscience about it.  Most of the time, for people who aren't sociopathic, it involves leading a compartmentalized life.

Compartmentalization, as the term implies, allows people to keep the different parts of their lives in different "boxes" or compartments, so to speak.  So, for instance, they would keep their primary relationship and their affair in different compartments in their minds.

The purpose of this type of compartmentalization is to ease whatever guilt, shame or discomfort related to the affair.  Often, it also keeps them from being fully aware, in a more conscious way, of the emotional consequences for everyone involved if the spouse or primary partner finds out about it.

Getting Caught Cheating: Worlds Collide
Keeping an affair secret is much more difficult today than it was in the past before cellphone records and text messages.  There are so many ways that someone having an affair can be found out.

Since the compartmentalization often keeps people from feeling discomfort and from being fully aware of just how emotionally risky their behavior is, getting caught is usually much more emotionally devastating than they anticipated.

Once you're caught having an affair, compartmentalization no longer works as worlds collide.  At that point, you have to deal with the full impact of your behavior and the consequences.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Individuals and couples who are affected by infidelity often need professional help to get through the emotional crisis that arises when a secret affair is discovered.

When infidelity is first discovered, during the period of the initial shock, couples often don't know whether they will stay together or break up.

Whether or not you decide to stay in your primary relationship or not, the emotional aftermath of an affair is filled with hurt and anger.

Rather than trying to get through this on your own, a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients overcome the pain of infidelity, can help you navigate through this difficult time, whatever you decide to do about your relationship ultimately.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples who were dealing with issues related to infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living a Double Life - Part 1: The Public Self and Private Self

What does it mean to live a double life?  In this blog article, I'll explore what it means to have a public self and a private self as well as personal fantasies, which are common to most people.   In a future article, I'll compare this common behavior to the concept of living a double life.

The Private Self

The Public Self and the Private Self
Let's start by exploring a common phenomenon:  The public and the private self.  On the most basic level, everyone has a public and a private self.  

The public self is the self that, as the term implies. we show to the world.  We usually show different aspects of this public self, depending upon the context.

So, for instance, we might present ourselves at work in a different light than we present ourselves when we socialize with friends or loved ones or when we're relaxing at home.

At work, we might be more formal, depending upon the setting, as opposed to when we're relaxed and informal with loved ones.  With loved ones, we usually allow more private aspects of ourselves to reveal themselves.  And we're usually different with the various people in our lives.  For instance, people usually allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable with a spouse or romantic partner than with a casual friend.

Like anything else, the different aspects of self are on a continuum.  Generally speaking, there's nothing unusual about having these different aspects of self, unless there's a big disconnect with these aspects, which I'll discuss in a future blog article.

Fantasies of the Private Self

Aside from how we are in terms of the public and private self, we all have personal fantasies, many of which we keep to ourselves, possibly not even revealing them to those closest to us.

There are all kinds of fantasies, including sexual fantasies, fantasies of being successful, fantasies of being a hero, and so on.  

Fantasies are common and they're usually forward looking.

When a fantasy is positive and forward looking, it can provide the beginning of a new idea.  It can be the beginning of a new creative endeavor by allowing oneself to "think outside the box" or to come up with creative solutions to problems, a new invention, artwork, and so on.

Of course, in order for the fantasy to come to fruition, the fantasy can't just remain in someone's head--some action needs to be taken.

Living a Double Life 

So far, what I've described are common aspects of everyday life, not what would be described as "living a double life" in the usual sense of the term.  These common aspects of self, the public and private selves and inner fantasies are usually part of a more or less integrated personality and an integrated life.

When we use the term "living a double life," we're usually referring to someone who lives a compartmentalized life with very different aspects of him or herself  hidden away from most people. This is in contrast to what we've been exploring so far, the person who has a more integrated life.  The person who is living a double life often has a secret part of his or her life.  It's not unusual for the secret part of his or her life to be hidden away from even loved ones.

Aside from secrecy, there's often some form of deception involved.  Like anything else, leading a double life can be viewed on a continuum from moderate to severe.

Leading a double life could involve anything from cheating on a spouse to, on the more extreme level, sociopathic behavior.

The most severe form of leading a double life would involve sociopathic behavior that can be harmful to oneself as well as others.

Examples of Living a Double Life That Are Harmful Would Be:

• Engaging in infidelity
• Having a second family that the spouse and family in the primary family know nothing about
• Having a separate, secret identity (like the main character in "Mad Men," Don Draper)
• Engaging in money laundering
• Engaging in White collar crime
• Engaging in a Ponzi scheme
• Other attempts to defraud others

And so on...

I've written a prior blog article about a book that describes sociopathic and near sociopathic behavior, Book: Almost a Sociopath, so in a future blog article, I'll focus on the more common types of living a double life on the less extreme end of the spectrum.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See:  Living a Double Life - Part 2: Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

Your Daydreams Can Be a Source of Inspiration and Motivation

As children, many of us were warned by the adults in our lives to "Stop daydreaming." Maybe we were in our own fantasy world, using our imagination to create new worlds with fantastic people, plants or animals. Or, maybe we were imagining ourselves as flying to another planet or being celebrated for making a new discovery.

Daydreams Can Be a Source of Inspiration and Motivation

Over time, we might have come to think of daydreaming as being a waste of time. But our daydreams can offer us many opportunities for new and creative ideas as well as new ways of seeing ourselves and the world.

What is a daydream?
A daydream is often a pleasant fantasy from our unconscious that we have when we're awake and our minds wander off. Daydreams are usually about our hopes, wishes and aspirations. Usually, we don't direct our daydreams. They just come, if we allow them and if we take the time to pay attention to them.

Research Studies Reveal That We Spend a Lot of Time Daydreaming
Recent studies have revealed that, whether we realize it or not, we spend a significant amount of time daydreaming each day--up to a third of our day. 

Scientists have also discovered that daydreaming serves an important function with regard to problem solving, as our unconscious minds come up with new ways to look at situations.

Creative Writers and Daydreaming
Our unconscious minds can come up with so many more ideas than our conscious minds. 

For instance, many writers have said that when they felt blocked and unable to write, if they took a break from their writing and allowed themselves time to just let their minds wander, often they suddenly come up with new ideas.

Freud wrote about this phenomenon in "Creative Writers and Daydreaming."

How We Can Use Our Daydreams
Instead of thinking of daydreams as a waste of time, we can begin to think of them as a powerful, creative and rich source of information and inspiration. 

We can begin to pay attention to our daydreams to find out what they're telling us about our wishes, hopes and aspirations. 

Are we having particular daydreams about a new idea, a song, a story, a new career, a new image of ourselves?

We can begin to write down our daydreams and look for recurring themes. Maybe we can use some of our pleasant daydreams to bring new and creative ideas into fruition. 

And why not? We have this wonderful source--why not use it, and have fun with it? Learn to be more playful, enjoy your daydreams and let your imagination soar.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creative Solutions to Problems Using the Mind-Body Connection in Therapy

The topic that I've been focusing on lately is "Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times."  My prior blog articles were Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 1, where I discussed that stress and anxiety are common responses to uncertain times.  I also wrote Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2: Self Help Tips.  

In today's article, I will discuss how I help psychotherapy clients, who are dealing with stress and uncertainty, come up with creative solutions to their problems with mind-body psychotherapy in my private practice in New York City.

Mind-Body Oriented Therapy For Creative Solutions in Therapy

EMDR Therapy, Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
Aside from talk therapy, I use EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing with clients who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice.  All of these treatment modalities are considered mind-body oriented psychotherapy because they stress the mind-body connection.

When people are anxious and overwhelmed with stress, they often lose touch with what's going on in their bodies.  A disconnect between mind and body can lead to further anxiety and stress.  So, rather than just talking about the problem in a purely intellectual way in therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing all allow for more of an integrated, holistic experience.

There are many ways, too many to describe in one blog article, to use these three treatment modalities.  I'll describe one way that I combine clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) with Somatic Experiencing to help clients when they're experiencing anxiety and feel stuck in a particular problem.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing: Hypnoprojectives
One way to help clients who are feeling anxious and stuck in a particular problem is to use what are known as hypnoprojectives in clinical hypnosis.  I usually combine hypnoprojectives with Somatic Experiencing.

Here's a fictionalized example:
Jane has been feeling very anxious because there's a lot of change and uncertainty in her career.  She's an intelligent and creative person under normal circumstances, but her anxiety is so great that she feels too emotionally paralyzed to come up with ideas on what to do about certain career decisions she is facing.

After I help Jane to get into a relaxed state with a hypnosis induction, I help her to experience herself as if she's in a movie theatre waiting for the movie to begin.  As she's waiting for the movie to start, I help her to feel herself in her body as well as enjoy the experience of sitting in a comfortable seat with lots of room around her.  Everything about the experience in the theatre is just right.  Not only is it physically relaxing, but the theatre itself is beautiful.

Jane can see that the lights are starting to dim in the theatre, and the movie is about to start.  As she begins to watch the movie, she realizes that this is a movie where the main character is someone just like her who is struggling with the same issues in her career.

Using her imagination with the help of clinical hypnosis, Jane will watch the protagonist in this movie come up with creative solutions and realize that there's a message for her in this film that would help resolve her problems.

In ordinary reality, a movie is about an hour and a half to two hours long.  But the experience of watching a movie in a hypnotic state can take as little as a few minutes because what's actually happening is that your unconscious mind is coming up with the material for the movie as well as the creative solutions to the problem, and the unconscious mind can do this quickly with the aid of clinical hypnosis.  The unconscious doesn't need a lot of time.  You just need a way to get into a relaxed state, which hypnosis provides, to get greater access to the unconscious.

Getting back to Jane:  She's able to access her unconscious mind and creative solutions because experiencing the movie in a hypnotic state allows her to step outside of her own experience where she was feeling stuck.

Seeing and hearing someone else, who is very much like her with similar problems, helps to open her up to her own creativity, which was there all along but was not accessible  to her in her ordinary state of awareness due to her anxiety.

At that point, I would help Jane to "anchor" whatever felt right to her in her body.  In other words, the anchoring process is where Jane would imagine, while she's in the hypnotic state, that she's placing whatever was valuable to her in this experience somewhere in her body so that she'll remember it when she's no longer in the hypnotic state.

Later on, when Jane is out of the hypnotic state, and she and I are talking about what she learned, she will have access to the experience she anchored in her body and be able to use this experience in a practical way in her everyday life.

People are often amazed at the creative solutions that they come up with during a hynoprojective.  One of the things that I like best about this particular technique, of the many mind-body oriented methods that I use, is that, rather than deriving a solution to their problems from outside of themselves, they're tapping into their own creative abilities with the aid of hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

As I mentioned, this is just one of many ways that the mind-body oriented psychotherapy is different from regular talk therapy.  When clients can get calm enough to tap into their own creativity, they often get a lot further than just trying to think about their problems.  This creative ability is already a part of them, but stress and self doubt often keep people from accessing it.

Getting Help in Therapy
Times of uncertainty are a normal part of life.  

If you find yourself feeling anxious and unable to access your creative abilities to work through your problems, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who uses a mind-body oriented approach in therapy.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

In my prior blog article,  Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times: Part 1, I introduced the idea that uncertainty, at one time or another, is a common experience for most people.  We can't avoid times of uncertainty, but we can learn how to cope with these difficult times.

Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times

So, I'd like to focus on the kinds of things you can do to get through uncertain times, and then in my next blog article, I'll discuss how I work with psychotherapy clients, who are going through difficult times, when they come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself During Uncertain Times?

Stay in Contact With Your Emotional Support Network During Uncertain Times
During times of uncertainty, it's very important that you stay in contact with your emotional support network.  This is not the time to isolate.  Friends and family, who are emotionally supportive, can help you during difficult times, not only by being available to see you and talk to you, but also to remind you that you've gotten through difficult times before and, chances are, you'll get through this stressful time as well.

On the surface, this might sound simplistic, but looking beyond the surface, it's often true that, when people are going through a lot of stress and they're caught up in their worries, they forget just how resilient and resourceful they really are.

It often takes people who know you well, but who aren't directly involved in the stressful situation, to remind you of your strengths.  This isn't just a matter of cheer leading.  It's really about these loved ones helping you to reconnect with your core strengths, which you can lose touch with when you're filled with worry during uncertain times.

Take Extra Care of Yourself During Uncertain Times
I can't stress this enough:  It's important for you to take extra care of yourself during stressful times.  Many people do just the opposite, and this makes a difficult time even worse.

Getting enough sleep, eating well, engaging in exercise that's right for you, meditating, and finding other healthy ways to take care of yourself is essential to getting through a difficult time.

Also see my blog articles:  
Staying Emotionally Grounded During Difficult Times
Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Reconnect With Your Core Emotional Strengths:  What Did You Do When You Were Faced With Challenges in the Past?
It can be very helpful to remember a time that was difficult from the past and to ask yourself how you were able to get through that time.  Even if your current problem is very different from your past problem, there are often core strengths that you can call on within yourself that you might not be in touch with now.

For instance, maybe, in the past, you were able to step outside your problem and be more objective about it.  Maybe this enabled you to think of new possibilities or possible solutions that you couldn't see when you were immersed in your subjective experience of the problem.  Maybe it also enabled you to objectively assess that the odds of the worst case scenario occurring were very low, and this provided you with a sense of relief.

Think of Someone You Admire:  What Would He or She Do?
Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you might not be able to get in touch with your own strengths.  You can get caught up in a cycle of negative thought patterns that rob you of self confidence.

But, taking yourself out of the situation completely and thinking about someone else that you know and admire, you can begin to imagine what that person might do with a similar problem.  This could be a friend, a family member, a mentor, or even someone that you haven't been in touch with for a long time, like your high school coach.


It doesn't matter if this person isn't in your life any more.  In fact, it doesn't even have to be someone that you know.  If you can't imagine anyone you know handling the situation, you can imagine someone that you don't know personally.  So, it can a character from a movie, TV program, play or book that you admire and that you think would be a good role model for you with regard to the particular situation that you're dealing with at the time.

What matters is your ability to use your imagination in a positive way to help you tune into the qualities that you like in this person and to imagine yourself having these qualities as well.

Imagination is Very Powerful in Both Positive and Negative Ways
Just think about how your imagination can take you deeper into worry and self doubt, even when there's not much objective evidence for what you're imagining.

So, rather than using your imagination to create worst case scenarios, why not use your imagination to connect with someone or something that will help you?  It can be just as powerful and lead you out of your sense of worry and stagnation.

Also, see my blog article:
Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change

I will discuss this further in my next blog article as well as how I help clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC learn to stay calm during stressful, uncertain times.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 1

At one time or another, we've all experienced anxiety that's fueled by uncertainty.  We live in uncertain times, and learning how to tolerate uncertainty and to stay calm is important to overall health and well-being.  But how can you really learn to stay calm in the face of uncertainty? I will begin this discussion today by describing this common problem, and in my next article, I'll discuss how I help clients using a mind-body oriented approach to therapy.

Staying Calm During Uncertain Times

Anxiety and Self Doubt, Fueled By Uncertainty, Is a Common Problem
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who come to therapy because they're feeling anxious and filled with self doubt about uncertain aspects of their lives.  Unfortunately, for many people, uncertainty permeates every aspect of their lives.   This makes it difficult for them to cope and maintain a sense of emotional balance.

Uncertainty in Our Personal Lives and at Work
Uncertainty can occur in just about any area of our lives, including our personal lives and at work.    The ambiguity that is involved with uncertainty can cause a lot of stress, especially if you allow yourself to go over and over a situation in your mind trying to figure out every angle, every possibility, and every possible solution.

Worrying About Uncertainty Makes You Feel Worse
The more you allow yourself to worry, the more anxious you'll become because, in many situations like this, there are too many unknowns that you can't control, and worrying obsessively only makes you feel worse and less able to cope with the problem.

Let's take a look at an all too common example of uncertainty:
Imagine that you're dating someone that you really like. You always look forward to seeing this person, and she (or he) seems to really like you too.  All along, everything seems to be going well. It looks like this could develop into a wonderful relationship.  Usually, you talk or text every couple of days.

But then, suddenly, out of the blue, you stop hearing from her (or him) for several days.  You leave phone messages and send email, but you hear nothing.  There's only silence and a rising sense in you of uncertainty and anxiety as you wonder what happened.

Uncertainty Can Lead to Anxiety and Self Doubt
This type of situation, and the uncertainty that goes with it, would cause many people to feel anxious.  They would wonder if they were responsible, somehow, for this sudden lack of communication.  A lot of people would obsess about what they said or did during the last date that might have caused this sudden estrangement.

As Anxiety and Self Doubt Build, Even a Negative Response is Preferable to None
A clear answer is usually preferable to ongoing uncertainty, and most people would rather have a definitive answer, even if the answer is "I don't want to see you any more" than to continue to wait and wonder.

Often, in situations like this, the need for clarity can lead to making mistakes as self doubt and anxiety build to an intolerable level.

Anxiety and Self Doubt Can Lead to Regrettable Mistakes
So, let's say you're in this situation, your imagination takes over and your thoughts are off to the races:  "Maybe she (or he) started dating someone else that she likes better and she doesn't want to see me any more."  And as anxiety and self doubt build inside you, you might say to yourself, "She's got some nerve brushing me off this way!  Who does she think she is, anyway?" and you might allow yourself to get carried away by your thoughts and send an angry text in haste.

Then, a day or so later, you get a text back and she tells you that she has been home very sick with a nasty flu, so sick that she couldn't even pick up the phone or write or read a text.  But the first text she saw, as she started to feel a little better, was your angry text, which made her feel awful.  She says that she'd rather not date anyone who can be so cruel, and she asks you not to contact her any more.

So, maybe you wouldn't go as far as sending an angry text, but it's not hard to imagine that many people would.  The point is that in this case and many other similar examples, the anxiety that was fueled by uncertainty and self doubt can lead to your making big mistakes because the imagination conjured up the worst case scenario.

Maybe the situation can be salvaged or maybe not.  But this example highlights the need to be able to develop the capacity to tolerate uncertainty with a sense of calm and emotional balance.

The Mind-Body Connection: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
Over the years, I've discovered mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually the most effective type of therapy for learning to deal with anxiety that is fueled by uncertainty.   

In upcoming blog articles, I'll give you tips on what you can do for yourself to help you get through difficult times.  

I'll also discuss how I use the mind-body connection and, specifically, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing therapy, and EMDR to help clients to develop the capacity to stay calm during uncertain times.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -- NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Staying Calm During Uncertain Times - Part 2

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Anyone who has ever gone through the agony of a heartbreak knows that, at the height of the emotional pain, it can feel like you'll never get over it.  All you want is relief--a pill, a potion, a magic cure, something, anything that just makes it all go away.  You don't want to hear platitudes that feel completely irrelevant to what you're going through  at the time.

Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup

Finding the Right Balance For Dealing With the Heartbreak of a Breakup
Everyone goes through the heartbreak of a breakup in his or her own way.  Some people jump right back into dating immediately, wanting to just "move on" from the pain and put it behind them as quickly as possible.  But most people who do this usually discover that it's not so easy, especially if your former lover or spouse meant a lot to you.

You Can't Just Flip a Switch to Turn Off Your Feelings
Most people can't do the equivalent of just flipping off a switch to turn off their feelings.  Although no one wants to endure suffering, denying your feelings will only prolong the pain.  Sometimes, it takes a lot more time than we would like.  You might think you can just "move on," but your heart might tell you a different story about what it needs to heal.

Isolating Won't Help You to Overcome the Emotional Pain
Other people do the opposite:  They isolate themselves from everyone and vow to never date or get involved in another relationship again because they don't want to go through the loss and emotional pain again.

Unfortunately, You Can't Avoid Loss and Pain
Vowing that you'll never open yourself up to loss and pain again isn't helpful and it's not realistic because, unfortunately, loss is part of life.  Even someone who is in a loving. long term  relationship knows that if s/he doesn't die first, the spouse or partner will die at some point.  Should they have never gotten involved so they could avoid the pain?  Most people would say no.

So, how do you maintain a balance that's right for you by neither trying to push your feelings down  nor vowing to spend the rest of your life as a hermit?

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

Awareness
Burying your feelings, whether you do it by going into a social whirl, drinking too much or using drugs (which I obviously don't advise), or hiding out isn't going to help you in the long run.  It might feel good momentarily, but those unexpressed thoughts and feelings will usually come right back, sometimes stronger than before.  So, being mindfully aware, although it might be momentarily unpleasant, helps you, in the long run, to overcome the emotional pain.

Acceptance
Denial isn't going to help you in the long run.  The more time and energy you spend trying to resist the pain, the longer it will take to go through it.

Why is this so?  Because the only way to overcome the hurt is accepting it and going through it.  There's no going around it, as much as you might want to avoid the emotional pain.  While you don't need to feel these painful feelings every minute of everyday, you need to take time to allow yourself to grieve.

Often, emotional pain, similar to physical pain, comes in waves.  You can feel the intensity of the pain as it rises.  It often hits a peak, then you cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend, see your therapist, or do whatever it is you do to cope in a healthy way that helps you to deal with these feelings.  After a period, the feelings usually subside for a while until they begin to intensify again.  This could happen many times in one day.

Knowing that the emotional pain usually comes in waves is helpful.  It's rare that a person would feel 100% overwhelmed with emotional pain 24/7, just as it's rare that physical pain is always off the charts all the time.  It ebbs and flows.  Usually, when people become more mindful of what's happening to them, they realize that there are some moments that are better than others.  But it gets easier over time if you accept the fact that there will be pain, there will be some bad moments, and, in time, there will be some good moments too.

Action
Acceptance doesn't mean passivity.  It doesn't mean you accept that there's nothing you can do ever to make yourself feel better ever again.

You can take healthy steps to feel better:

• Taking extra care of yourself is very important when you're going through a heartbreak:  eating nutritiously, getting enough rest, pampering yourself in healthy ways
• Maintaining contact with your emotional support system  
• Writing in your journal 

If you've gone through a heartbreak before, at least, you know that it usually gets better with time.  You also know that you got through it and went on with your life.  You might have felt, initially, that time should have stopped when you got hurt, but it didn't, as cruel as that felt at the time.  But remember:  You got through it.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Self care and emotional support from your loved ones is very important when you're in emotional pain, but it might not be enough.  Your loved ones care about you and that's important, but they won't know how to help you work through the pain in the way a skilled psychotherapist knows how to do it.

Working through the emotional pain in therapy can help you to mourn and heal, so rather than continuing to suffer, you could benefit from seeing a licensed therapist who has experience helping people to overcome the emotional pain involved with a breakup.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their emotional pain so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships
Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love Again and Getting Hurt
The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy
Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Many clients in my psychotherapy practice in New York City have told me, over the years, that if their spouse ever cheated on them, they would leave their marriage--there would be no if's and's or but's about it.  

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

These are mostly clients who have had problems in their relationships, but infidelity wasn't one of them. But I have found that for couples where one of the spouses has been unfaithful, many of them decide to work it out and try to regain trust.  And many clients who were sure they would leave if their spouse cheated often feel differently when they're faced with this problem.

Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?  No One Can Decide For You

Infidelity is a topic where many people have strong feelings, one way or the other.  And, of course, no two couples are alike, and no one can tell anyone else what's best for the other person's relationship.  It's up to each couple to decide.

There are many individuals who decide to try to work out their marriage even after the other spouse has cheated.  Often, this is a very hard decision to make because of all the emotional pain and anger involved, as well as the judgment that well-meaning friends and families have about the decision to try to reconcile that the hurt spouse has made.

Well-Meaning Loved Ones Aren't Always Helpful
Clients, who decide to stay with a spouse who has cheated, often tell me that they have looked to their friends and family for support.  But, instead, they experience their loved ones as being critical about their decision.  They hear comments from them, like "Once a cheater, always a cheater."  And this makes them feel very alone and unsupported.

Let's take a look at one possible scenario where a spouse decides to try to work out her marital problems after her husband cheated.  As always, this is a fictionalized case based on a composite of many cases so there is no breach of confidentiality:

Ann and Bob:
Ann and Bob, who were both in their 50s, were married for 25 years when Bob confessed that he had been having an affair for the last few weeks.  Bob was filled with guilt and remorse, and could barely look at Ann when he told her about the affair.  He told her the affair was over, and he wanted to stop lying to Ann about where he was going and work things out in their marriage, if Ann was willing.

Ann had no idea that Bob was having an affair.  Her initial reaction was shock.  She never would have imagined in a million years that Bob would cheat on her with another woman.  They had been "high school sweethearts," raised two children together who were on their own, given each other emotional support during the deaths of each of their parents, and stayed together through thick and thin.

At first, Ann wasn't even sure how to respond to Bob.  As the initial shock wore off, she began to feel waves of emotional pain that she felt would overtake her.  She felt like she was in a dream.  Everything felt so unreal.  She was sure she would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be back to normal. But when she saw Bob crying, she knew this was no dream, and she told him she needed time to think about what he told her.  In the meantime, she asked him to go to a hotel for a few days to give her time and space to think, so Bob moved out for a few days.

When Ann called her best friend, Mary, for emotional support, Mary was also in disbelief because, she said, "Bob didn't seem the type."  Then, she advised Ann to contact a lawyer and get a divorce.  But Ann knew she wasn't ready to do this.  She called her older sister, Karen, who was also shocked.  Karen told Ann that Ann could stay with her until Bob packed up his things and moved into his own apartment.  But Ann wasn't sure she wanted Bob to move out permanently.  The problem was that she wasn't sure what to do.

After a few days of crying and staying in bed with the covers over her head, Ann told Bob that he could come back so they could talk.  She was still filled with a lot of emotional pain and rage, but she felt she and Bob needed to communicate and she needed answers.  She felt that if he could just explain what happened, maybe she could begin to wrap her mind around this situation.

When Bob came home, he was very sheepish.  Ann could see that he was filled with regret and concern for her.  Although she was furious with him, part of her felt a certain compassion for him.  She thought to herself, "Normally, if he looked so sad and upset, I would be the one comforting him, but I can't comfort him now.  I'm so hurt and angry that I can barely take care of myself."

Bob began by apologizing to Ann again and telling her that he knew that, in having the affair, he was selfish and he never meant to hurt her.  He knew there were no reasons that could justify his infidelity.  Then, he explained, with much difficulty, how the affair began after having drinks with a woman he met at a conference, who lived in L.A. and who was in NY for a few weeks.

Bob couldn't explain what happened to him.  He couldn't understand it himself, but he knew that this other woman meant nothing to him.  And, when he came to his senses, he ended it.  He considered not telling Ann, but he knew it would eat away at him and he felt this secret would come between them, so he decided to tell her.  If he knew nothing else, he said, he knew that he still loved Ann very much, he didn't want to "throw away" 25 years of marriage, and he wanted to try to work it out with her, if she could forgive him, so they could be together for the rest of their lives.

Ann had hoped that some explanation would help her to understand how Bob, a dedicated husband and father, could stray from their marriage. But, after Bob spoke, she felt no closer to understanding it than before.  She was confused as well as hurt and angry.

As the weeks passed and they tiptoed around each other, Ann wondered if she played some role in this.  She was clear that Bob was responsible for his own actions, but she also knew that their marriage was made up of two people, and maybe there were problems in the marriage that contributed to Bob's infidelity in some way.

Her older sister and best friend were urging Ann to leave Bob.  Ann understood their concerns, but she knew she wasn't ready to just throw away their marriage, even though she didn't know if she could ever trust him again or ever get over the hurt and pain.

Feeling very alone, she began her own individual therapy to sort out her feelings.  Bob also began his own therapy to deal with his guilt and sadness and sort out his feelings about what he did.  After a couple of months, both therapists recommended that Ann and Bob go to couples counseling because it was obvious that each of them wanted to try to salvage their marriage.  Ann also stopped talking to her sister and best friend about her marital problems because talking to them only confused her more.

During their marriage counseling sessions, Bob and Ann had a chance to begin to reconcile their problems.  It wasn't easy, and there were times when Ann wanted to give up, but she stuck it out.  They began to look at the problems in their marriage that they had swept under the rug, including that they had not had sex with each other in more than five years, mostly because Ann wasn't feeling that sexual.

The work was slow and painful.  But they each had their own individual therapist to help them with feelings that came up in their marriage counseling and at home.  Over time, Ann and Bob began to feel that they could start to move on. Ann felt she could, slowly, begin to trust Bob again.  She felt that the open wound she felt as being cavernous was beginning to heal.  They began to be emotionally and sexually intimate again.  She took each day as it came, and she tried not to look too far ahead.

Trying to regain trust after a spouse cheats is a very complicated process.  For many people, there's no going back once it has occurred.  They work out their emotional pain without their spouse, but it can  affect their ability to enter into future relationships and trust again.  It's not so easy to just "move on," as friends might advise.

For other people, who aren't ready to give up on the relationship, it can feel overwhelming to sort through the many psychological layers involved.  When a couple decides to try to work out their relationship, if possible, it's best for them to be in couples counseling and for each person to have their own therapist.

Even though people who are close to you might feel that they know what's best for you, no one knows better than you and your spouse about your relationship so, although your loved ones might be well meaning, it's up to each of you in the relationship to decide what's best for you as individuals and, if  you remain together, as a couple.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you and your spouse are dealing with the emotional pain involved with infidelity, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with this problem before.  

Most skilled therapists who have expertise with this problem will be objective and not try to steer you to either break up or stay together.  The role of the therapist is to help you decide what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.