Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if you overcame the problems that keep you stuck?  Who would you be?  See my article: Overcoming the Fears That Keep You Stuck.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

As I've mentioned in other articles, most people begin psychotherapy with some degree of ambivalence, even if they're not aware of it at first.  The ambivalence includes a wish to resolve their problems and make changes in their life and a wish to remain the same (see my article:  Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Although the ambivalence is usually there from the start of therapy, most clients don't become aware of it until after they're already engaged in therapy.  It can also become an obstacle once clients actually start to overcome their problems and make changes in their life.

Clients with longstanding problems often express being happy that they're making positive changes in their life, but they might also be concerned about what this means in terms of who they are--especially if they have a strong identification with their problems.  Losing that identification can feel like they're losing a part of themselves.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:
Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

When Jim started psychotherapy, he was in his early 30s.  He told his psychotherapist that he felt like there was a "wall" between him and other people, even people that he had relatively close relationships with, like girlfriend (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Gradually Take Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

Back when he first started therapy, he described himself as coming across as outwardly warm, friendly and gregarious.  But, within his internal world, he often felt fearful of making close emotional connections with others.  He was able to hide his fear most of the time, but he was very aware of his emotional struggles.

Although he was aware in an objective sense that he had nothing to fear from his connections with his loved ones, on an emotional level his fear, at times, was overwhelming and it was interfering with his relationship.

Jim knew that he loved his girlfriend, but he would become anxious and ambivalent about the relationship, especially when his girlfriend talked to him about moving in together when they were together for two years.

He also knew that he couldn't keep making excuses as to why they shouldn't live together "yet." And he knew that if he didn't resolve his fear of getting closer to his girlfriend, he might lose her, so he began therapy to try to overcome his fear.

When he began therapy, he described his relationships with each of his parents as being fraught with problems.  His mother could be warm and nurturing at times, but she was often emotionally disengaged from Jim and his older siblings.  From day to day, Jim and his siblings never knew what kind of mood his mother would be in.

He described his father as "a great dad" who taught Jim how to swim and play baseball when Jim was a child.  Later on, his father taught him carpentry.  He and his father bonded over these tasks, and most of the time Jim enjoyed his time with his father.  The problem was that his father also had an unpredictable temper and Jim and his family never knew when the father would blow up.  His never got physically violent, but he could be scary when he lost his temper.

Then, the father would shame and belittle Jim and his siblings.  Their mother was just as frightened of the father when the father lost his temper, so she wasn't able to protect her children from her husband's rage.  At those times, Jim felt very alone and he would hide in his room, even when his father was angry with another family member.

As Jim continued to see his psychotherapist, they discovered together that Jim's fear of getting close was related to the unpredictable moods of each of his parents.  At a young age, Jim learned to shut down emotionally and built an emotional wall around himself to protect himself from feeling too emotionally vulnerable.

As a child, this worked to keep his fear compartmentalized so he could function in the rest of his life.  But as an adult, he realized in therapy that he not only walled off his fear, he also walled off other positive feelings.  He also realized that, as an adult in a relationship, he couldn't continue to allow his fear from getting closer to his girlfriend (see my article: When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Yourself Down From Potential Pleasure).

At the start of therapy, Jim told his therapist that, even though he wanted to overcome his fear of intimacy, he wanted to work slowly in therapy because he was afraid he would become overwhelmed.    Also, like every client, he needed to take time to develop a therapeutic alliance with his therapist, and this was a gradual process for him because of his fears of opening up.

After two years in therapy, Jim worked through much of his early trauma related to his family using EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

There were many times when Jim needed to use several sessions after one EMDR session in order to process what came up during the EMDR session and afterwards.  His therapist told him that each person processes differently, and this seemed to be what worked best for him.

With the childhood trauma resolved, over time, Jim was more open to getting closer to his girlfriend, who was patient with him.  He eventually moved with her, and he worked in therapy on the emotional challenges that he encountered once they were living together.

Progress in therapy often involved Jim taking two steps forward and one step back (see my articles:  Progress in Psychotherapy Isn't Linear).

Both Jim and his girlfriend both agreed that he had made significant progress in therapy, but they were also both aware that Jim continued to struggle in certain areas of their relationship.  After living together for two years, his girlfriend began speaking about getting married, which frightened Jim.

Periodically, Jim and his psychotherapist would review where he was in therapy as compared to how he was when he first came.  This was helpful to Jim to see his progress, especially when he felt emotionally stuck at a new level.

During one of these conversations with his psychotherapist, Jim told her that he was happy with the progress that he had made so far, but he was fearful of any further change.  He told her that he felt like he had "carried around" a particular sense of himself and that if he was no longer fearful of getting closer to his girlfriend, he wasn't sure who he would be.

His psychotherapist explained that this is a common problem for many clients in psychotherapy as they reach a certain point in therapy, and the timing is different for everyone.  Some people become fearful that they will lose their sense of self at the start of therapy.  For other people, like Jim, they become uncomfortable with who they will be when they are resolving the last remnants of their problems.

Working on the fear of losing his sense of self was much deeper work than Jim had ever done before.  Once again, Jim told his therapist that he wanted to go slowly now that he was at this new level of working through his problems.

His psychotherapist, who was a hypnotherapist and a psychoanalyst, helped Jim to navigate this fear in a way that felt comfortable for him (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?).

Now that they were at this juncture in the work, his therapist used hypnotherapy to help Jim to imagine who he would be once his presenting problems were resolved--once he no longer feared getting closer to his girlfriend and he was able to take the next step in their relationship to get married, which was something that Jim wanted when he wasn't afraid.

Using imaginal interweaves, over time, his psychotherapist helped Jim to build his sense of self confidence.  Using imaginal interweaves provided Jim with an opportunity to imagine himself allowing himself to become more emotionally intimate with his girlfriend without the fear.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

In other words, he was able to put aside his fear to use his imagination to imagine his future self in a loving relationship with his current girlfriend as his wife.  This "practicing" of his future self in his imagination gave him a felt sense of what it might be like not to be fearful.  And, after a while, Jim felt that he could go ahead and propose to his girlfriend without fear.

Conclusion
When people start psychotherapy, they're usually focused on the changes they want to make in their life.  It's only after they are either at the brink of making changes or actually making changes that some clients fear that their sense of self will change in a way that would be frightening to them.

Most of the time, these fears are rooted in a unresolved early trauma that needs to be worked out in therapy in order for clients not to continue to be triggered in the present (Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers and Reacting to the Present As If It Was the Past).

With the help of their psychotherapist, many clients are able to begin letting go of the fear related to the past to make progress in therapy.

As they reach new plateaus in their progress, there can be new challenges, as there was in the fictional vignette above where Jim was able to get relatively closer to his girlfriend, but felt the fear again as he thought about he getting even more emotionally intimate with her.

Hypnotherapy with imaginal interweaves can be especially helpful for the client to "practice" seeing his future self and getting comfortable with his new sense of self while his therapist maintains an emotionally safe and empathic treatment environment in the therapy sessions (The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Change is a process.  At various points in the process, new challenges can arise in therapy, including a concern about who would you be if you overcame your problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled mental health professional who is licensed can make all the difference between succeeding or failing in your attempts to make changes and to do it in a way that feels safe to you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can free yourself from your history to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Compartmentalization Can Be Used As a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy in Therapy

Compartmentalization is a defense mechanism that is usually discussed in negative terms.  Used as a unhealthy coping strategy, compartmentalization is usually used to avoid feeling the discomfort of conflicting thoughts or behaviors that are contrary to one's values or beliefs (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

How Compartmentalization Can Be Used as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy in Therapy

There are many examples of how compartmentalization can be used to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

So, for instance, an otherwise ethical person might use compartmentalization to deal with conflicting feelings about cheating on her taxes.

Another person, who is usually loyal, might compartmentalize his guilty feelings about an extramarital affair.

But a healthy form of compartmentalization can also be used as a short term coping strategy to help you get through a difficult time.  The emphasis is on short term because as a long term coping strategy compartmentalization usually backfires, which I will discuss in the first fictional vignette in this article.

To a certain extent, most of us compartmentalize as a temporary coping strategy whether we realize it or not.  Just like many defense mechanisms, compartmentalization on a short term basis, can help you get through certain experiences in life temporarily so you don't feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Most of us have had the experience of having to put certain disturbing issues on the back burner temporarily to focus on what's pressing at the moment.

The alternative to putting certain issues on the back burner would be to try to cope with all your problems at once, the most pressing and the least pressing, all at once.

Not only would this be psychologically exhausting, but it doesn't work.  Trying to focus on everything at once means that you're not really focusing on anything with any degree of attention or clarity.

Fictional Vignettes
Let's look at two fictional vignettes.  The first one is an example of an emotionally unhealthy way of using compartmentalization and the second one is an example of a healthy way of using compartmentalization as a short term coping strategy.


Vignette 1:  Compartmentalization As An Unhealthy Coping Strategy
Bob was happily married, successful in his career and he had many friends.

Most people who knew Bob, including his wife, children, other family members, friends and colleagues, thought of Bob as being a loving, smart, friendly, responsible and practical person.

Their view of Bob was based on the wholesome way he lived in most areas of his life--except for one that they didn't know about:  His secret compulsion to gamble.

Not only did Bob keep his compulsive gambling a secret from those who were close to him, but he kept his own emotions of guilt and shame compartmentalized within himself to avoid feeling uncomfortable that he was engaging in behavior that went against his values and his beliefs.

Compartmentalization as an Unhealthy Coping Strategy

His compulsive gambling was a split off part of himself, like a modern day "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide."

This compartmentalization was not like having a split personality where the different aspects of a personality aren't known to the core personality.

The compartmentalization was more like a form of dissociation:  When he was gambling, he was fully immersed in that activity and he didn't allow himself to think of the negative consequences for himself and his family.  And when he was with his family, he didn't allow himself to think about the compulsive gambling.

This strategy helped him to avoid feeling the emotional conflict of behaving in a way that was shameful to him.

But after a particularly bad losing streak where Bob lost most of the family's savings and he was unable to meet his next mortgage payment, his worlds collided in a devastating way.

He felt the full negative impact of the guilt and shame that he was trying to avoid when he was faced with talking to his wife and children about his devastating loss.

Aside from dealing with his family's shock, anger and disappointment, Bob felt so emotionally overwhelmed that he considered suicide.  But when his wife's anger and sense of betrayal cooled off to the point where she could speak with him, she gave him an ultimatum:  Either get help or she would divorce him and take the children.

Shortly after that, Bob came to individual therapy to start picking up the broken pieces of his life and he and his family also participated in family therapy.


Vignette 2:  Compartmentalization as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy
Alice was going through an emotionally challenging time in her life.

She was trying to cope with the care of her elderly mother, who was partially disabled as a result of a recent stroke; her husband's recent job loss, and helping her son through the college application process at the same time that she was starting up a new business.

Compartmentalization as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy

Several months ago, when she began taking steps to start her own business to provide coaching to people who wanted to improve their public speaking skills, her life had been going fairly smoothly.

But within weeks, her husband was laid off from work, her mother had a disabling stroke and her son needed a lot of her attention choosing a college.

Initially, Alice felt so overwhelmed and emotionally paralyzed that she considered abandoning the development of her new business and going back to her old job just to have stability in one area of her life.

At the same time that Alice considered going back to her old job, she felt the full weight of how disappointing it would be for her to give up a long held dream that she was on the verge of accomplishing.

She talked to her husband and sons as well as close friends to get help with her decision.  But she got conflicting messages.  Her husband and sons encouraged her to persevere with her goals, but her close friends told her to play it safe and go back to her former job.

Not sure which way to go, Alice started therapy to get help.

After learning basic coping strategies, including breathing exercises, meditation and other self care strategies, Alice felt that she had a lot more clarity about her situation and she was able to mobilize herself.

She looked into her mother's insurance and discovered that they would pay for several hours of a home attendant's services. After talking to her siblings, they agreed to pitch in to help with the mother's needs.

Alice and her husband talked about their financial situation, which was good.  Her husband also felt confident that he would get another job with a former boss or, if not, he would use his extensive network of colleagues to find another job.

He encouraged her to go for her dream and not delay any further.  He also told her that he thought she could go back at any time to her former employer, who would love to have her back, if her business didn't work out.  In addition, he agreed to take a more active role in helping their son with the college application process.

As a result, Alice began the process of developing her new coaching business.  She designed a website and she began making contacts to market her business.

But every so often, even with her newly developed coping strategies, Alice felt overwhelmed, especially about not being more active in terms of her mother's care.

She talked about her feelings in her therapy, and her therapist helped Alice to see that her feelings that she "should" be doing more to help her mother were part of older issues in her family where family members were overly dependent upon her, even when she was a young child (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now" in Therapy).

Alice and her therapist both agreed that, since she already had so much going on now, the current time wasn't right for her to work on her earlier unresolved trauma.  They agreed that they would put this issue on the back burner for now and her therapist would help her to temporarily compartmentalize her feelings so that she wouldn't be overwhelmed by them.

Whenever Alice began to feel guilty and ashamed about not doing more for her mother, she reminded herself that these feelings were based on her past (then) and had nothing to do with the present (now).

Whenever she did this, and sometimes she did it several times a day, Alice was able to put aside her worries and focus on developing her new business.

Alice used this short term coping strategy of compartmentalization until her life calmed down:  Her husband got a new job, her mother made progress in out patient rehabilitation to be more independent, and her son completed the application process.

After her life calmed down and after she began to get referrals for her business, Alice's therapist told her that she thought Alice was ready to deal with the early unresolved emotional trauma.

At that point, Alice asked her therapist why she needed to deal with it at all.  She felt she could continue to remind herself whenever she felt guilty or ashamed that this was related to her history and not to her life now.

But her therapist reminded Alice that using compartmentalization in this way was only a temporary strategy so she wouldn't become emotionally paralyzed.  It wasn't going to resolve her problem.  Sooner or later, there would be another life event that would trigger these feelings and it would be best to work on resolving the old trauma.

Her therapist talked about how soldiers who are in battle learn to compartmentalize their emotions so that they can be effective at the time.

But if these soldiers continued to compartmentalize their emotions once they got back from battle, they could develop serious emotional problems, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  This is why they need to get help in therapy to deal with the trauma of war--so that it doesn't have a lasting negative impact on their lives, including getting emotionally triggered, anxious and depressed.

Similarly, Alice needed to work through the unresolved childhood trauma so that she wouldn't continue to get triggered in her life.

By that point, Alice trusted her therapist and they began to use effective trauma treatment modalities, including EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing to help Alice to overcome the unresolved trauma (see my articles:  Somatic Experiencing: Tuning Into the Mind-Body Connection and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

By the time she completed, Alice worked through her unresolved trauma and she was no longer triggered by difficult life events (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Unresolved Childhood Trauma).

Compartmentalization as Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy

She was glad that she was able to put aside the emotions that were paralyzing her so that she could eventually work through her childhood trauma when she was ready.

Conclusion
Compartmentalization, like most defense mechanisms, is a form of denial.

If it is used as a long-term strategy to avoid uncomfortable emotions associated with thoughts and behavior that contradict important beliefs and values, it will eventually backfire, as it did for Bob in the first fictional vignette.

When compartmentalization is used as a short term coping strategy with the understanding that the dissonant emotions are temporarily being placed on the back burner until there's a better time to delve into them, it can be an effective strategy under the guidance of an experienced mental health professional who can provide support and teach other coping strategies.

Depending upon a client's emotional state and what's going on at the time, an experienced psychotherapist can assess when it's the right time to work on resolving the problem so that a client doesn't get stuck avoiding it (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed and you're having difficulty coping with your emotions, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who help you in therapy to develop the necessary coping strategies and, eventually, when you're ready, to work through the problem (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than using denial as a permanent strategy to deal with uncomfortable emotions, get psychological help so you can eventually work through your problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients in my private psychotherapy practice to work through their problems to lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living a Double Life: Part 2: The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

In my prior blog post, Leading a Double Life: Part 1: The Private Self and Public Self , I introduced the topic of leading a double life.  I gave examples from the common phenomenon of having a private self, which is a normal part of life and isn't about leading a double life, to leading the life of a sociopath, which often involves living a double life filled with secrets and deception.  In today's article, I'll focus on a particular aspect one of leading a double life, infidelity.

The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

I've discussed infidelity in prior blog articles, including:

Infidelity - Married, Bored and Cheating in Sex Chat Rooms
Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You - Should You Stay or Go?
Relationships: Coping With Infidelity
Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're "Not the Type"
Infidelity: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair
Relationships: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?

Leading a Double Life in An Affair is Fraught With Problems
Leading a double life, in a primary relationship while having an affair, is fraught with possible serious emotional consequences for everyone involved.

Most clients that I have worked with who are having affairs are fearful of getting caught.  In most cases, they don't want to hurt their spouse or partner, family or the person they are having an affair with, so they go to great lengths to keep the affair secret and indulge in lies to keep it under cover.

Most people admit that they are aware that if they were caught, they know their spouse or partner would end their relationship.  And even if the spouse doesn't leave, these people are usually aware that it would be a long road back to establish trust again, if it can be reestablished.

But often even this awareness isn't enough to have them give up the affair.  Many of them will acknowledge that they're being selfish by having the affair--wanting to keep their marriage and also have someone else on the side.

The Risk of Getting Caught and the Dopamine Rush
Other people find the secrets and lies exciting.  The thought of getting caught makes the affair even more tantalizing and fun.  Getting away with these secrets and lies makes the affair more risky but also gives them a kind of emotional rush.

This emotional rush has been described to me as similar to a cocaine rush, the rush of placing a bet for people with gambling problems, and so on.

The dopamine rush itself can become a powerful reinforcer of this behavior as they look to keep getting this "high."

If they're honest about it, many people who get a rush admit that if they had their choice, they would be able to keep getting away with the affair and not get caught.

Secrets, Lies and Compartmentalization
Infidelity comes in many forms.  There's everything from the one-time affair that was alcohol fueled at an out of town conference to a 25 year affair.

Keeping an ongoing affair secret usually involves a fair amount of deception.

Most people who have talked to me about having an ongoing affair have told me that, over time, just like other forms of lying, telling lies related to infidelity gets easier in a sense--at least on the surface.

Of course, the experience will be different for everyone.  But many clients have said that, whereas they were very scared the first time they lied to a spouse, after a few times, they found themselves doing it with more ease once they realized that they could get away with it.

This doesn't mean that they felt good about themselves or that they had a clear conscience about it.  Most of the time, for people who aren't sociopathic, it involves leading a compartmentalized life.

Compartmentalization, as the term implies, allows people to keep the different parts of their lives in different "boxes" or compartments, so to speak.  So, for instance, they would keep their primary relationship and their affair in different compartments in their minds.

The purpose of this type of compartmentalization is to ease whatever guilt, shame or discomfort related to the affair.  Often, it also keeps them from being fully aware, in a more conscious way, of the emotional consequences for everyone involved if the spouse or primary partner finds out about it.

Getting Caught Cheating: Worlds Collide
Keeping an affair secret is much more difficult today than it was in the past before cellphone records and text messages.  There are so many ways that someone having an affair can be found out.

Since the compartmentalization often keeps people from feeling discomfort and from being fully aware of just how emotionally risky their behavior is, getting caught is usually much more emotionally devastating than they anticipated.

Once you're caught having an affair, compartmentalization no longer works as worlds collide.  At that point, you have to deal with the full impact of your behavior and the consequences.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Individuals and couples who are affected by infidelity often need professional help to get through the emotional crisis that arises when a secret affair is discovered.

When infidelity is first discovered, during the period of the initial shock, couples often don't know whether they will stay together or break up.

Whether or not you decide to stay in your primary relationship or not, the emotional aftermath of an affair is filled with hurt and anger.

Rather than trying to get through this on your own, a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients overcome the pain of infidelity, can help you navigate through this difficult time, whatever you decide to do about your relationship ultimately.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples who were dealing with issues related to infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.