Living a Double Life: Part 2: The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

In my prior blog post, Leading a Double Life: Part 1: The Private Self and Public Self , I introduced the topic of leading a double life.  I gave examples from the common phenomenon of having a private self, which is a normal part of life and isn't about leading a double life, to leading the life of a sociopath, which often involves living a double life filled with secrets and deception.  In today's article, I'll focus on a particular aspect one of leading a double life, infidelity.

The Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

I've discussed infidelity in prior blog articles, including:

Infidelity - Married, Bored and Cheating in Sex Chat Rooms
Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You - Should You Stay or Go?
Relationships: Coping With Infidelity
Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're "Not the Type"
Infidelity: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair
Relationships: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?

Leading a Double Life in An Affair is Fraught With Problems
Leading a double life, in a primary relationship while having an affair, is fraught with possible serious emotional consequences for everyone involved.

Most clients that I have worked with who are having affairs are fearful of getting caught.  In most cases, they don't want to hurt their spouse or partner, family or the person they are having an affair with, so they go to great lengths to keep the affair secret and indulge in lies to keep it under cover.

Most people admit that they are aware that if they were caught, they know their spouse or partner would end their relationship.  And even if the spouse doesn't leave, these people are usually aware that it would be a long road back to establish trust again, if it can be reestablished.

But often even this awareness isn't enough to have them give up the affair.  Many of them will acknowledge that they're being selfish by having the affair--wanting to keep their marriage and also have someone else on the side.

The Risk of Getting Caught and the Dopamine Rush
Other people find the secrets and lies exciting.  The thought of getting caught makes the affair even more tantalizing and fun.  Getting away with these secrets and lies makes the affair more risky but also gives them a kind of emotional rush.

This emotional rush has been described to me as similar to a cocaine rush, the rush of placing a bet for people with gambling problems, and so on.

The dopamine rush itself can become a powerful reinforcer of this behavior as they look to keep getting this "high."

If they're honest about it, many people who get a rush admit that if they had their choice, they would be able to keep getting away with the affair and not get caught.

Secrets, Lies and Compartmentalization
Infidelity comes in many forms.  There's everything from the one-time affair that was alcohol fueled at an out of town conference to a 25 year affair.

Keeping an ongoing affair secret usually involves a fair amount of deception.

Most people who have talked to me about having an ongoing affair have told me that, over time, just like other forms of lying, telling lies related to infidelity gets easier in a sense--at least on the surface.

Of course, the experience will be different for everyone.  But many clients have said that, whereas they were very scared the first time they lied to a spouse, after a few times, they found themselves doing it with more ease once they realized that they could get away with it.

This doesn't mean that they felt good about themselves or that they had a clear conscience about it.  Most of the time, for people who aren't sociopathic, it involves leading a compartmentalized life.

Compartmentalization, as the term implies, allows people to keep the different parts of their lives in different "boxes" or compartments, so to speak.  So, for instance, they would keep their primary relationship and their affair in different compartments in their minds.

The purpose of this type of compartmentalization is to ease whatever guilt, shame or discomfort related to the affair.  Often, it also keeps them from being fully aware, in a more conscious way, of the emotional consequences for everyone involved if the spouse or primary partner finds out about it.

Getting Caught Cheating: Worlds Collide
Keeping an affair secret is much more difficult today than it was in the past before cellphone records and text messages.  There are so many ways that someone having an affair can be found out.

Since the compartmentalization often keeps people from feeling discomfort and from being fully aware of just how emotionally risky their behavior is, getting caught is usually much more emotionally devastating than they anticipated.

Once you're caught having an affair, compartmentalization no longer works as worlds collide.  At that point, you have to deal with the full impact of your behavior and the consequences.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Individuals and couples who are affected by infidelity often need professional help to get through the emotional crisis that arises when a secret affair is discovered.

When infidelity is first discovered, during the period of the initial shock, couples often don't know whether they will stay together or break up.

Whether or not you decide to stay in your primary relationship or not, the emotional aftermath of an affair is filled with hurt and anger.

Rather than trying to get through this on your own, a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients overcome the pain of infidelity, can help you navigate through this difficult time, whatever you decide to do about your relationship ultimately.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples who were dealing with issues related to infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living a Double Life - Part 1: The Public Self and Private Self

What does it mean to live a double life?  In this blog article, I'll explore what it means to have a public self and a private self as well as personal fantasies, which are common to most people.   In a future article, I'll compare this common behavior to the concept of living a double life.

The Private Self

The Public Self and the Private Self
Let's start by exploring a common phenomenon:  The public and the private self.  On the most basic level, everyone has a public and a private self.  

The public self is the self that, as the term implies. we show to the world.  We usually show different aspects of this public self, depending upon the context.

So, for instance, we might present ourselves at work in a different light than we present ourselves when we socialize with friends or loved ones or when we're relaxing at home.

At work, we might be more formal, depending upon the setting, as opposed to when we're relaxed and informal with loved ones.  With loved ones, we usually allow more private aspects of ourselves to reveal themselves.  And we're usually different with the various people in our lives.  For instance, people usually allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable with a spouse or romantic partner than with a casual friend.

Like anything else, the different aspects of self are on a continuum.  Generally speaking, there's nothing unusual about having these different aspects of self, unless there's a big disconnect with these aspects, which I'll discuss in a future blog article.

Fantasies of the Private Self

Aside from how we are in terms of the public and private self, we all have personal fantasies, many of which we keep to ourselves, possibly not even revealing them to those closest to us.

There are all kinds of fantasies, including sexual fantasies, fantasies of being successful, fantasies of being a hero, and so on.  

Fantasies are common and they're usually forward looking.

When a fantasy is positive and forward looking, it can provide the beginning of a new idea.  It can be the beginning of a new creative endeavor by allowing oneself to "think outside the box" or to come up with creative solutions to problems, a new invention, artwork, and so on.

Of course, in order for the fantasy to come to fruition, the fantasy can't just remain in someone's head--some action needs to be taken.

Living a Double Life 

So far, what I've described are common aspects of everyday life, not what would be described as "living a double life" in the usual sense of the term.  These common aspects of self, the public and private selves and inner fantasies are usually part of a more or less integrated personality and an integrated life.

When we use the term "living a double life," we're usually referring to someone who lives a compartmentalized life with very different aspects of him or herself  hidden away from most people. This is in contrast to what we've been exploring so far, the person who has a more integrated life.  The person who is living a double life often has a secret part of his or her life.  It's not unusual for the secret part of his or her life to be hidden away from even loved ones.

Aside from secrecy, there's often some form of deception involved.  Like anything else, leading a double life can be viewed on a continuum from moderate to severe.

Leading a double life could involve anything from cheating on a spouse to, on the more extreme level, sociopathic behavior.

The most severe form of leading a double life would involve sociopathic behavior that can be harmful to oneself as well as others.

Examples of Living a Double Life That Are Harmful Would Be:

• Engaging in infidelity
• Having a second family that the spouse and family in the primary family know nothing about
• Having a separate, secret identity (like the main character in "Mad Men," Don Draper)
• Engaging in money laundering
• Engaging in White collar crime
• Engaging in a Ponzi scheme
• Other attempts to defraud others

And so on...

I've written a prior blog article about a book that describes sociopathic and near sociopathic behavior, Book: Almost a Sociopath, so in a future blog article, I'll focus on the more common types of living a double life on the less extreme end of the spectrum.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See:  Living a Double Life - Part 2: Secrets and Lies of Infidelity

Leading a Double Life as the Other Woman or Other Man in an Affair

In prior posts, I've discussed affairs from the point of view of the people in the primary relationship, where one of the people in the relationship was having an affair, and how psychotherapy and couples/marriage counseling could help in these situations. In this post, I'd like to focus on the person who is the "other woman" or "other man" in the affair, some of the possible emotional effects of leading a double life in an affair, and how individual psychotherapy can help in these situations.

Leading a Double Life as the Other Woman or Other Man

Most People Begin Psychotherapy When the Affair and Leading a Double Life Becomes Too Painful:
As a psychotherapist in NYC, over the years, I've worked with many individuals who were leading double lives, having affairs with people who were in primary relationships with someone else.

Being the "Other Man" in an Affair

Usually, clients who are the "other woman" or the "other man" begin psychotherapy with me when they've come to a point where they're either trying to decide whether or not to end the affair or being in the love triangle and leading a double life has become too painful for them to endure, but they feel "stuck."

The Emotional Effects of Being the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" and Leading a Double Life in an Affair:
Being involved in a love triangle, from the perspective of the "other woman" or the "other man," can be very lonely. Often, the person who is in this situation feels too ashamed to talk to friends or family members about it because he or she fears their judgment or condemnation. So, very often, the affair is kept a secret and this person endures the emotional pain, including self condemnation, by him or herself. This is a difficult and lonely place to be.

Whereas the beginning of the affair might have started out as being mostly sexual and fun, if romantic feelings develop and you begin to feel attached to someone who is in a primary relationship with someone else, the feelings often turn to ones of hurt, longing, fear, anger, resentment and shame.

Expectations Change:
At the beginning of the affair, from the point of view of the "other woman" or "other man," there might not have been any expectations, but once a more serious attachment forms, this often changes. The longing and loneliness for the other person, especially on certain days, like weekends, holidays and birthdays, when the person in the primary relationship is not around, can be intense. It can feel overwhelming to deal with this by yourself.

The following vignette is a composite of various clients who were involved in affairs with someone who was in a primary relationship with someone else. All identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality:

Mary
When Mary came to see me for individual psychotherapy, she had been involved in an affair with her graduate school professor, Dan, for almost two years. She was leading a double life, and she was feeling very lonely, sad, ashamed, angry with herself, angry with him, and resentful.

She knew he was married when she first got involved with him but, at the time, she felt swept away by his good looks, charismatic personality, intelligence, and all the attention that he was giving her. He made her feel "special." She had no prior history of getting involved in affairs, and she felt confused about the situation, confused about herself, and confused about Dan.

The affair began while she was helping Dan with a research project and they were spending many hours alone together after class. At first, Mary was satisfied just to spend time with him working on the research project, often going back to her place for hours of passionate sex, and allowing him to go back to his wife and children in the evenings. During that stage of the affair, she felt special, beautiful and sexy, and she was flattered by his attention.

But, as time went by, they both developed strong romantic feelings for each other, and then things changed. Mary began to resent that he left her for his wife after they made love. She wanted him to stay, but he didn't want his wife to suspect that he was having an affair, and he definitely didn't want to leave his wife and children.

At that point, what was once a fun affair for Mary turned lonely and sad. She began to resent being "the other woman" in his life and she wanted him to leave his wife to be with her. But time after time when Mary demanded more of his time and attention, although he said he loved her very much, he told Mary that he had no intention of leaving his wife.

Mary couldn't understand why, if he loved her (and she felt sure that he did), he wouldn't leave his wife to be with her. Before she began psychotherapy, she had a big "blind spot" about the fact that this man also really loved his wife and the life that he had with her, even though he was cheating on her.

Prior to therapy, Mary ruminated about this constantly and couldn't come up with any answers for herself, and Dan seemed just as confused. At that point, she was leading this secret double life, and she had no one to talk to about it because she felt too ashamed about it. So she continued to live a double life, kept the secret of the affair and her feelings about it to herself, which made it even more emotionally painful.

At the point when Mary began psychotherapy, she was considering giving Dan an ultimatum: "Either leave your wife and be with me or let's end this affair." But she had a lot of mixed feelings about this, and she couldn't make up her mind about it.

On the one hand, she felt she couldn't endure the feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, fear and shame any more. It was beginning to feel too overwhelming for her, and it was taking up a lot of her time and emotional energy. Leading this double life, she was starting to isolate from friends and family because of the affair and her feelings about being involved in a love triangle. And it was also hard for her to concentrate on her studies.

Worst of all, Mary was feeling very bad about herself. She was plagued by self doubt, anger and humiliation. And, whereas initially, she felt special, attractive and sexy when she was with Dan, now she felt that she wasn't "good enough" because he wouldn't leave his wife.

This also triggered many old emotional wounds of not feeling "good enough" with her parents when she was a child. Her constant thought was, "If I were good enough, Dan would leave his wife for me, but I'm not. There must be something wrong with me. "

On the other hand, Mary felt that life without Dan at all would be unbearable. She thought, "Maybe I should just try harder to enjoy the time we have together and make him see that he really loves me more." But, at this stage, their times together were not so enjoyable. Mary and Dan were spending a lot of time arguing and crying together. He told her that he didn't want to hurt, he didn't want to hurt his wife, and he didn't want to lose either one of them--he wanted them both. He also didn't know what to do.

Initially, our work focused on helping Mary to develop better coping skills and to increase her support network. Her sleep and appetite were poor and she often felt angry, sad and irritable. As therapy progressed, she began to spend more time engaging in self care, taking yoga classes, learning to meditate, and going to the gym. Her sleep and appetite improved. Also, she began talking to her friends about what was going on.

Although, at first, she feared that her friends might judge her harshly, when we talked about it in our psychotherapy sessions together and she thought about it more realistically, she realized that her friends cared about her a lot and wouldn't judge her. And this turned out to be true.

Her friends were surprised, but they were compassionate and empathetic towards Mary. They told Mary that they wished she had come to them before.  They also helped Mary to remember "who she was" before Mary felt sad and ashamed about the affair. Mary's friends saw what I also saw: An intelligent, vibrant, outgoing, attractive woman who had a lot going for her.

Talking about the affair in our psychotherapy sessions, letting her friends know about the affair and getting so much emotional support took some of the pressure off of Mary. She still felt all of her difficult feelings, but she wasn't alone with these feelings any more, and she didn't feel she was leading such a double life any more.

After several psychotherapy sessions, Mary decided that the pain of being the "other woman" was more than she could stand and worse than being without Dan.

She began to understand that it's possible for someone (like Dan) to love two people at the same time, and this was probably what Dan was feeling. Increasingly, she also allowed herself to feel what it might be like to be Dan's wife under these circumstances. She wondered, even if he left his wife and married her, if he would be unfaithful to her as well. Whereas before she would push down any feelings of compassion for Dan's wife, she now felt more than just guilty--she felt remorse. She felt that the situation was unfair to everyone involved, including Dan's wife and his children.

Mary was also at a point where she was feeling better able to cope with the loss of the relationship with Dan. She knew it would be very painful, but she also knew that she had the support of our psychotherapy sessions as well as the love and support of her best friend. So, when they saw each other again, instead of slipping into their usual routine of going back to her apartment to make love, she told Dan that, as much as she loved him and she knew that he loved her, she thought it was best for them to end their affair. They both cried about ending their relationship, but Dan agreed that it would be for the best.

Even though she felt resolved to end their relationship, Mary was surprised that, when she did it, there was still a part of her that hoped Dan would tell her that he loved her too much to leave her. But he didn't. He said he also felt that it was too hard for him to go on hurting Mary and too hard to continue to cheat on his wife and risk hurting her. So, since the research project was over and Mary was about to graduate, they decided to end all contact.

The following weeks and months were difficult. Mary was tempted to call Dan many times and tell him that she missed him and wanted to see him, but she didn't. She continued to come to her psychotherapy sessions with me, talk to her best friend and, even though many times she didn't feel like, she began seeing old friends again and making new ones. The thought of never seeing Dan again was very hard for her so, through our work together, she learned to take it "one day at a time." Thinking about not seeing Dan for a day was a lot easier than thinking about never seeing him again. It was a process.

But, as it turned out, Mary did see Dan again--but not in the way that she would have ever liked to see him: She was leaving the university one day when she saw Dan waving to a woman who was in a car with two small children. Dan didn't see Mary, but Mary watched from the sidelines, feeling sad and bitter, as Dan kissed and hugged his wife and greeted his children. Dan looked so happy. Before seeing Dan on that day, Mary knew that he loved his wife and children, but seeing it made Mary realize it on a much deeper level: This was Dan's life, and Mary would never be a part of it. It hit home in a way that it never had before.

Mary went home and cried but, afterwards, she felt that something had lifted. The last vestiges of any hope that she might have had that, somehow or some way, maybe she and Dan would get back together again in the future were gone. She was sad, but she also felt free. Mary and I continued to work on the emotional aftermath of the affair. Rather than condemning herself, she began to understand, on a deep emotional level, the dynamics involved and the feelings that had been triggered in this affair from her family history.

Several months later, Mary began dating another man, and she fell in love. She realized then that having someone who was available and who cared about her exclusively was so much more satisfying than leading a double life in an affair. A couple of years later, they got married. They shared a life together with friends and both of their families, and Mary was happy.

Not all affairs for the "other woman" or "other man" end this well. Some people are involved in love triangles, leading double lives, for years, and they find it too difficult to extricate themselves from these relationships. After years have gone by and they regret the time that they have lost and possible missed opportunities to be happy with other romantic partners who are actually available, they have many regrets and often wish they had chosen more emotionally fulfilling lives for themselves.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find yourself involved in a love triangle where you are the "other woman" or "other man," leading a double life, you could benefit from seeking the help and support of psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Most psychotherapists won't give you advice about what to do--that's not their job. But a licensed mental health professional can help you to figure out what you want to do if you are in this type of untenable situation. You might feel that you can never leave your current situation and, at the same time, it feels too hard to stay. But many other people, who were faced with your situation, have been able to resolve their problems in psychotherapy with a qualified therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.