Are Unmet Expectations Ruining Your Relationship?

Every relationship comes with expectations. Some expectations are clear: Loyalty, honesty, respect and so on (see my article: Relationship Expectations: What is a Good Enough Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But in many relationships there are silent expectations that neither partner communicates. Instead they assume the other partner knows and agrees to fulfill them.

These unspoken expectations, which often go unmet, can ruin a relationship (see my article: Do You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

What Are Silent Expectations?

Silent expectations are unspoken beliefs, assumptions or standards about how one partner expects the other to behave. These silent expectations are often the basis for misunderstandings, disappointments and resentment when these unspoken expectations go unmet. 

How Do Silent Expectations Develop?

Silent expectations develop from family history, cultural norms and prior relationships regarding what love, relationships, respect and commitment should be. 

A partner can mistakenly assume that their partner shares their beliefs and assumptions--even though the expectations haven't been communicated.

Individuals who have silent expectations often feel their partner "should know" what is expected of them.  

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Communicating Their Expectations?

People who avoid communicating their expectations often fear conflict so they don't want to risk confrontations by talking about their emotional needs. This fear is the underlying reason for their silence. 

How Can Silent Expectations Ruin Your Relationship?

Silent expectations can take their toll over time, so if you have unmet expectations you never expressed to your partner, it's important to understand how this situation developed:

• Poor Communication: Silent expectations often go unmet because one or both partners haven't communicated about their expectations.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• An Expectation that Your Partner "Should Know" What You Expect: You might assume your partner knows or should be able to read your mind. But, in reality, your partner might not know. It's not necessarily that your partner doesn't want to meet your needs. They're just unaware of these needs. This usually leads to hurt, anger and disappointment.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Resentment Grows: Over time the resentment about unmet needs can fester and this can ruin a relationship (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

• Emotional Distance Grows: If you have silent expectations that go unmet, you and your partner can become emotionally distant from one another. As a defense against disappointment, walls go up, which makes it even harder to communicate. Over time, you might feel unseen and unheard--even though you haven't communicated your needs. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• A Focus on Who You Think Your Partner Should Be and Not Who They Really Are: If this situation persists over time, you can lose sight of who your partner really is because you're focused on what you think your partner should be and how your partner should behave.

• Increased Conflict: Unspoken expectations can lead to arguments and ongoing conflict.

• Stagnation: Unspoken expectations can lead to relationship stagnation as you disengage from one another.

How Can You Prevent Silent Expectations From Ruining Your Relationship?

The best way to prevent silent expectations from ruining your relationship is to be up front at the beginning of your relationship about what you want. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But if you haven't communicated your needs from the start and you realize your resentment is starting to grow, there are steps you can take to keep unmet expectations from ruining your relationship:

• Learn to Develop Realistic Expectations: Take time to assess your expectations:
• Are your expectations realistic? 
• Are your expectations fair?
• Do your expectations need to be adjusted or changed?

• Learn to Communicate Clearly and Directly: Don't assume your partner already knows your expectations. Learn to communicate clearly. Instead of complaining, express your wishes explicitly in a positive and constructive way. For instance, instead of saying, "You never show affection towards me," say "I really love when you're affectionate with me" (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing Your Needs).

• Learn to Deal With Confrontations: If you're avoiding talking about your hopes and expectations because you fear confrontations, you're going to struggle with being in a relationship because confrontations are inevitable. This doesn't mean that confrontations have to be destructive. You and your partner can disagree and still be respectful (see my article: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Make Adjustments: After you communicate with your partner, you might realize that you each have different expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to know when you want to be comforted and when you need time to yourself, after you talk to your partner, you might discover that your partner doesn't know when to comfort you and when to give you space. More than likely this is because you don't communicate when you want to be consoled and when you need time to yourself because you expect your partner to know. But your partner isn't a mind reader, so you have to learn to communicate clearly.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Compromise: Your partner might not be able to meet all your expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to meet all your needs, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one person can meet all of your needs. So, it's important to have other people in your life that can also provide you with emotional support or can join in doing activities that your partner might not enjoy.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Reassess Your Expectations Over Time: Sometimes expectations that were realistic at one point in your life become unrealistic later on, so you need to reassess.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

When resentment builds over time, it can be difficult for a couple to overcome these resentments on their own.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop tools and strategies so you can overcome resentment and strengthen your relationship. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who can help you to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

There is a big difference between complaining to your partner and expressing what you want in a healthy way (see my article: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

According to relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, whereas complaining is based on fear and focuses on a negative outcome, expressing what you want is a vulnerable act based on trust and courage. Expressing what you want also offers you and your partner a path forward. 

Complaining Tends to Look Backward

• Behind Complaints and Criticism is Often a Veiled Wish: Underneath criticism and complaints there is usually a veiled wish for an unmet need. It's often difficult for a partner to understand criticism and complaints in terms of these veiled wishes. An example of an unmet need in the form of a complaint would be "You haven't touched me in ages" which reflects an underlying wish for what's missing in the relationship. 

• Criticism Focuses on Blame: Criticism and complaints tend to focus on a partner's perceived mistakes or unwanted behavior. This can create a negative cycle of blaming, more unwanted behavior and more unmet needs (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Complaining is Self Protective: Many individuals find it less emotionally risky to complain and criticize rather than being emotionally vulnerable by saying what they want (see my article: A Fear of Intimacy Can Lead in Fault Finding in Relationships).

• Complaining Tends to Have Negative Results: Rather than getting needs met, criticism tends to get a partner defensive. This creates a negative cycle where each partner feels their emotional needs are unmet (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Expressing Your Wish Tends to Look Forward

• Expressing Your Wish is a Vulnerable Act and an Invitation: Instead of complaining, when you express what your desire, it's an invitation to your partner instead of an accusation.

• Expressing Your Wish Provides a Clear and Positive Direction For Action: Rather than criticizing, expressing your wish provides a clear message for your partner to take action. So, instead of saying "You haven't touched me in ages", you could say, "I love when you touch me and I wish you would touch me more often." 

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Expressing Your Desires Can Increase Emotional Intimacy: Sharing your desires can lead to deeper emotional intimacy which, in turn, can lead to increased sexual intimacy.

• Expressing Your Desires Allows You to Own Your Wanting: Instead of blaming your partner, when you express your desires, you take responsibility for your wants and needs, which can be personally empowering. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Sue

When Tom and Sue sought help in couples therapy, they were barely speaking to one another.  

Sue's main complaint was that Tom hardly paid any attention to her. She told the couples therapist she had complained to Tom numerous times that the only time he paid any attention to her was when he wanted to have sex. This made her feel angry and resentful so that she almost never wanted to have sex with him, "I've told him so many times that I don't know what's wrong with him because he hardly ever looks at me these days. Aside from wanting sex, he's never affectionate with me."

Tom's main complaint was that he felt badgered by Sue. He felt she was always pointing out things she didn't like, which hurt his feelings and made him feel like distancing himself from her, "When I try to get close to her, she assumes I only want sex, but sometimes I want to be affectionate. It's true that sometimes, in order to feel affectionate, I want to be sexual. What's wrong with that? All of her complaining makes me feel like I can't do anything right. Then, I just want to be alone" (see my article: Whereas Many Women Need an Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally).

Their work in couples therapy included looking at each of their family histories (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Therapy?).

Sue grew up in a household where her parents were emotionally distant from each other. Her mother would sit at the kitchen table and complain to Sue about Sue's father--about all his flaws and shortcomings. Then, her mother would say, "Men are useless. All they care about is sex and having their food served to them." Sue's father was often away on business trips and when he was home, he spent most of his time in his home office.

Tom's parents divorced when he was two years old so he had no memories of them being together.  He longed to spend time with his father, who lived nearby, but he would often go months without seeing him when his mother stopped visits due to the father's missed child support payments. When he did spend time with his father, his father would tell Tom, "Be careful with women. After you get married, they turn into complaining drudges. Whatever you do, don't get married."

So, neither Sue nor Tom had positive role models of a healthy marriage during their formative years and they both realized this had an impact on them as children and as adults in their marriage.

Their couples therapist helped them to distinguish between expressing a want versus complaining or criticizing. She encourage them to practice asking for what they wanted instead of complaining or criticizing. 

At first, both Tom and Sue felt too vulnerable to express their desires. They each feared the other would reject them.

After much encouragement in couples therapy sessions, Sue decided to express what she wanted in a positive way. Instead of criticizing Tom, Sue asked Tom to show more affection, "This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm afraid you'll turn me down. But, okay, here it goes: Tom, I like it when you're affectionate with me. I like when you touch me, play with my hair and kiss me."

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Even though Tom had been emotionally distant, when he heard the vulnerability in Sue's voice, he softened and reach for her hand. At first, she seemed surprised, but then Sue held Tom's hand and squeezed it as a sign that she loved him.

Over time, Tom and Sue learned how to express their desires in a healthy way which brought them closer together.  As they became closer emotinally, their sex life also improved.

Conclusion

Behind complaints and criticism often lies an unmet need.

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Your parents' relationship can become a template for your adult relationships--for better or for worse.

Expressing an emotional need directly to a partner, as opposed to complaining and criticizing, can feel emotionally vulnerable at first. But, over time, you and your partner can learn to trust and open up to each other.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling life together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Work?

In the past, I have described Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) in two prior articles:

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 1

What is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and How Does It Heal - Part 2

How Does AEDP Work?

In the current article, I'm focusing on how AEDP works and going into more detail.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

AEDP is a therapeutic modality that focuses on helping clients to process and transform traumatic experiences in a safe and supportive environment (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective to Overcome Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Here are some of the basics about how AEDP works:

• Building a Secure Therapeutic Relationship: An essential part of AEDP is developing a strong, trusting bond between the client and the therapist. The therapist becomes a secure base for emotional exploration and healing by providing empathy, validation and emotional support so that the client feels safe enough to share vulnerable feelings.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Helping Clients to Identify, Connect With and Process Core Emotions: Rather than just talking about emotions in an intellectual way, AEDP focuses on experiencing and processing emotions in the here-and-now with the therapist. This involves becoming aware and processing suppressed emotions related to traumatic experiences. 

• Working Through Defensive Mechanisms That No Longer Work: Clients learn to recognize, understand and modify defense mechanisms that might have served them as part of their survival strategy earlier in life but no longer work for them now.

AEDP to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

• Accessing Transformational Affects: AEDP helps clients to access positive emotions, like joy, love and compassion, which can empower clients to heal unresolved trauma and make positive changes (see my article: How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy).

• Metaprocessing: This involves reflecting on the therapeutic process including the client's emotional experiences in AEDP therapy, the therapist's interventions and the therapeutic alliance between the client and therapist. This helps clients to develop insight into their emotional patterns and how they apply them to other relationships.

What Experiential Techniques Does AEDP Use?

AEDP's experiential techniques include:

• Mind-Body Focused Techniques: An AEDP therapist helps the client to become aware of bodily sensations and how these sensations relate to their emotional experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

• Guided Imagery and Visualization: An AEDP therapist helps clients to process emotions with guided imagery and visualization exercises.

• Role Playing and Other Interactive Exercises: The therapist helps clients to practice new emotional responses and behaviors in a safe therapeutic environment.

How Does AEDP Help Clients to Have Transformational Experiences?

• Developing Greater Emotional Awareness and Emotional Regulation: Clients learn to identify, manage and regulate their emotions more effectively.

• Strengthening a Sense of Self and Building Resilience: When clients process difficult  emotions related to trauma, they develop a greater sense of self acceptance and capacity to cope with challenges.

• Creating More Fulfilling Relationships: By addressing attachment wounds and developing healthier emotional patterns, clients can develop secure and more fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) is a dynamic and experiential approach which facilitates deep emotional healing by creating a safe therapeutic space for clients to explore, process and transform unresolved trauma and current emotional challenges.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in AEDP therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation

What's the Difference Between "Bottom Up" and "Top Down" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?

Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk

A steady stream of small talk during the initial phase of dating can be boring and feel superficial (see my article: What to Talk About on a First Date).

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

Small talk lacks depth and fails to create a meaningful connection when you're trying to get to know someone.

Aside from this, it can be disappointing when the conversation remains on this level because the interaction feels flat and uninspiring.

People who cannot communicate beyond small talk will often find it difficult to transition to build momentum and excitement in the conversation. 

Suggestions on How to Move Beyond Small Talk

• Express Curiosity: Show you're interested in what your date is saying by showing your curiosity.  Ask open-ended questions. If there's something your date says that you don't understand, ask clarifying questions. If you can share a similar experience, you can show you relate to what they're talking about.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Share Personal Insights and Experiences: Open up and share a little bit about yourself. This can be a personal interest of yours, a small personal challenge or a recent experience.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Try to Find Common Ground: Talk about your interests and hobbies to see if you can find common ground with your date. This will provide you with an opportunity to explore your mutual interests together and deepen your connection.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to what your date is communicating both verbally and nonverbally. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions and allow your date to finish what they're saying.

If you're able to follow these tips, you can move beyond small talk and develop a genuine connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Floodlighting: How to Stop Oversharing During the Initial Stage of Dating

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text Instead of Meeting in Person?

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or in a Relationship?

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?