How Deep Rooted Insecurity Can Affect Your Ability to Initiate Intimacy in Your Relationship

Deep rooted insecurity can create sexual problems, including problems with sexual initiation.  See my articles: 

How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

Insecurity often develops during the early attachment years of childhood when attachment styles develop (see my article: The Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

When children are emotionally invalidated by one or both parents, they often grow up feeling they are not good enough and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

These feelings often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships, especially romantic relationships.

These insecurities aren't always evident during the early stage of a relationship because the heady new relationship energy (NRE) can mask these feelings, but once the so-called honeymoon phase is over and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, these insecurities become more evident because emotional intimacy includes vulnerability which can be scary for insecure adults (see my article: Vulnerability is the Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how insecurity can affect sexual intimacy and how therapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Bob and Gina

During the early stage of their relationship, Bob and Gina, who were in their early 30s, were both satisfied with their emotional and sexual connection.  But a year into their relationship Bob stopped initiating sex and Gina was unhappy about this.

Whenever Gina initiated sex, they both enjoyed it. But, even after Bob promised he would initiate the next time, something always stopped him and he didn't understand what was getting in his way.

At first, Gina thought that Bob found her sexually undesirable because she had gained a little weight (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Affecting Your Sense of Self?).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

But Bob reassured her that he found her as attractive as ever and he wanted to initiate sex, but whenever they were in bed together, he felt too insecure and self conscious to initiate.

The longer the problem went on between them, the more ashamed and guilty Bob felt and the more emotionally and sexually frustrated Gina felt. 

After a while, Gina stopped initiating sex and she started flirting with a new male coworker who was also flirty. Although she liked the attention, she didn't want to have an affair, so she told Bob she wanted them to attend sex therapy as a couple.

During the early phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist had two individual sessions with each of them to get their family histories and sexual/relationship histories.

During his individual sessions Bob discussed how he was expected to fend for himself emotionally as a child. Whenever he felt sad or upset about anything, his parents dismissed and invalidated him. They told him he was "weak" for feeling this way and they refused to comfort him.

He grew up feeling he wasn't good enough and that he was unlovable. These feelings, which continued into adulthood, got in the way of all his romantic relationships. 

He told the sex therapist that, initially, during the early phase of a relationship, he was carried along by the excitement of the new relationship energy so he didn't have a problem initiating sex. But once the relationship became more emotionally intimate, all of his insecurities came up so he felt too insecure to initiate sex.

The sex therapist referred Bob to an individual trauma therapist to work on his early attachment issues and Gina and Bob continued to work in sex therapy as a couple.

Over time, Gina began to understand that Bob's insecurities about initiating sex had nothing to do with her.  She also developed empathy for what Bob went through as a child when his insecurity first developed.

Bob's individual trauma therapist used EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing therapy to help him to work through his early trauma.

Sex Therapy and Trauma Therapy Can Help

Their sex therapist, who worked in collaboration with the individual trauma therapist, helped Bob and Gina to gradually get comfortable with each other sexually.

Eventually, although it took a lot of work, the combination of individual trauma therapy and sex therapy helped Bob and Gina to have a more satisfying sex life together.

Conclusion

Early insecure attachment issues often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships.

Insecure attachment can show up in different ways in romantic relationships, including in a couple's sexual relationship.

Working on the early attachment issues and related sexual problems can help a couple to work through their problems so they can have a satisfying and meaningful relationship.

Even though the couple in the vignette was presented as a cisgender heterosexual monogamous couple, sexual problems can develop in any relationship regardless of gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity or relationship type, including consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Ask Your Partner, "Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?"

In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.  

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

See my articles:

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

How to Stop Kitchen Sinking Your Partner

How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop Stonewalling

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?

In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner is upset.

Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful. 

They might want:

• To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or

• To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or

• To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support

Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs. 

You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need: 

    Vignette 1: Jan and Bill

When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion and that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?"  Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.

    Vignette 2: Alice and Nan

After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem with Alice's sister.

    Vignette 3: John and Miguel

After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?"  John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.

Discussion About the Vignettes

These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.  

    Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated.  Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.

    Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.

    Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't always sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.

Conclusion

Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.

They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.

A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

I wrote about the stages of love in a prior article (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

In the current article I'm focusing on the stages a relationship often goes through when it's heading for a breakup.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Relationship endings are often hard to identify during the early stages. 

Even after the relationship ends, individuals often find it difficult to understand what led to the breakup.

Dr. Mark L. Knapp, a psychologist who is an expert in nonverbal communication, identifies the five stages of a relationship that is coming apart:

1. Differentiating: 

During this stage the couple has conflicts that emphasize their differences more than what they have in common. 

Instead of using the word "we", they use the word "I" more often in terms of wanting more autonomy and personal space. 

In general, the concept of differentiation is an important part of being an individual in a relationship. If both people in the relationship are otherwise satisfied, differentiation isn't unhealthy.  

In fact, differentiation is a healthy and necessary part of being in a relationship if the individuals use the differences to evaluate their individual needs so they can make any necessary changes in their relationship.

Healthy differentiation allows each person in the relationship to have their own hobbies, interests and personal space. This allows each person to grow as an individual at the same time they are in a relationship.

The problems arise when a couple is unable to negotiate their differences and these problems remain unresolved. 

An example of this is when a couple did not take the time to discuss their values and goals so that they find out after they get married that one of them wants to have children and the other does not and each person remains unyielding in what they want.

Over time, if there are frequent arguments that involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, this erodes the relationship (see my article: To Improve Communication in Your Relationship, Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse),

2. Circumscribing

During this stage communication deteriorates even further. Couples begin to deliberately limit their interactions together to avoid topics that can cause conflict.

As they spend less time together, the relationship becomes more superficial. 

Due to emotional distancing, the couple spends less time sharing their thoughts and feelings and they don't have meaningful conversations.

Communication is often limited to maintaining and status quo. 

For instance, the couple might only discuss topics like their schedules and household chores.

Each person in the relationship can feel like they're living in their own world rather than having the shared experience of being in a loving relationship. 

3. Stagnating

During this stage, communication is even more infrequent and when the couple communicates, it can feels forced and strained. 

Both people feel stuck and they don't know how to get unstuck but, at the same time, they might not want to end the relationship at this point.

The couple often finds themselves just going through the motions because they're not growing and evolving in the relationship. 

People often feel a sense of resignation and hopelessness during this stage.

While couples might remain together during the stagnating stage, their decision might be more out of habit, convenience or fear of change, but there is little or no effort to improve the relationship.

4. Avoiding

During this stage, a couple spends even less time around each other and there is even more emotional and physical distance between them. 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The couple might experience themselves as living separate lives. 

Even if neither of them makes the decision to end the relationship at this point, it can feel like the relationship is already over--even though neither of them have named it.

Avoidance becomes a way of life in the relationship. 

The couple might be sleeping in separate rooms, avoiding meaningful conversation and having little to no eye contact with each other.

5. Termination of the Relationship

This is the stage where the couple makes a decision to end the relationship. 

Communication is often limited to finalizing the end of the relationship in terms of finances, co-parenting arrangements, and other related topics.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The emotions each person might experience can range from relief to sadness and grief or a combination of many different emotions.

This coming apart stage often involves telling close friends and family about the breakup, making different living arrangements and deciding how to communicate if they have children. 

If they don't have children, the couple might decide to end all contact after the relationship is over or once the divorce is finalized.

Why It's Important to Recognize The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Becoming aware of problems can help you to be more aware so you can navigate these problems and make active decisions about the relationship rather than allowing the relationship to slip away and deteriorate through neglect.

Being proactive can mean that you take steps to improve the relationship, if it can be improved, or that you make a decision to part ways.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to improve their relationship, if they want to remain together, or she can help a couple to end their relationship in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a couples therapist to work through your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load

A common complaint I hear from heterosexual women in my psychotherapy practice in New York City is that they feel exhausted by the mental load related to their household, especially if they have children.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load, which is also called "worry work," refers to the cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load usually involves behind-the-scenes work necessary to keep a household running smoothly including:

• Meal planning
• Scheduling appointments
• Scheduling daily, monthly and annual plans
• Scheduling and planning vacations
• Remembering family members' appointments
• Staying on top of the children's scheduled activities
• Remembering and planning for birthdays, holidays and other events
• Buying gifts for family members, including her male partner's family members
• Making and working on to-do lists
• Delegating tasks to family members
• Overseeing tasks and making sure family members take care of assigned tasks
• Arranging playdates for the children
• Keeping a mental checklist of other tasks that need to get planned, delegated and done
• Many other responsibilities

How Does the Mental Load Affect Women?

The mental load is work done in addition to tangible household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on.

Many women feel especially drained by the mental load because not only is the list endless and tiring, it's often taken for granted by their male partner and children.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load often leaves women so exhausted that they have little or no energy for their own self care.  

Since many women feel overwhelmed by these tasks, they often report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. 

This often means feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from their male partner who isn't sharing in the mental load. 

If the mental load continues to fall disproportionately on the woman over time, it can contribute to the destruction of the relationship.

Why It's a Problem For Male Partners to Say, "You should've asked for help"

When women complain to their male partners, they often get a response along the lines of, "You should've asked for help," which is annoying and frustrating to many women.

Why? Because the question implies that the mental load is the woman's primary responsibility and the male partner is offering to "help" rather than sharing the tasks equally.

How to Share the Mental Load With Your Partner

• Talk to Your Partner About It: Even though you might have complained many times before about feeling exhausted from assuming the primary responsibility for the mental load, your partner might not have understood or, if he understood, he might have agreed to be better about it and then he quickly forgot about it. Don't wait until you're at your wits end. Make time to discuss this problem calmly when you both have time and privacy. Then, explain how you feel and how you're affected by all these responsibilities. Your partner needs to make a real commitment to change and then actually make changes.

• Share This Article: Sometimes when a partner reads an article, they're more receptive to change than when they feel you're trying to change or "fix" them. So, share this article so they can have another way to understand the concept of the mental load.

• Work Out a Way to Share the Responsibilities Equally: This can be tricky to work out. One possible way is to do things together. For instance, if you're usually the one who takes full responsibility for meal planning, work on it together. There might be some trial and error before you both feel you're sharing responsibilities equally, so think of it as a work in progress until you both get it worked out.

Give Up Control After Your Partner Shares the Mental Load

• Give Up Control: Once your partner shares responsibilities with you, you need to give up control. That means giving up on monitoring, criticizing or correcting your partner's way of doing things if it's different from your own. In addition, even if you and your partner are able to share the mental load equally, be aware that it's not unusual for heterosexual women to feel guilty about not living up to societal expectations with regard to traditional gender roles.

• Expect to Make Adjustments: As previously mentioned, it might take you and your partner many tries until you both adjust to sharing responsibilities. This usually isn't a one-and-done discussion. So, if you both know this in advance, you will expect it.

Getting Help in Therapy

Making changes in your relationship can be challenging--even when both people are motivated.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If both of you have been unable to make changes on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.