Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

Slut-shaming is a form of bullying and sexual harassment of (mostly) women and girls.  It's not new--an early example of slut-shaming is in The Scarlet Letter, a novel written by Nathaniel Hawthorne which was published in 1850.  

Slut-Shaming is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

The story takes place between the years 1642-1649 in the Puritan Massachusetts Bay Colony. The main character, a young woman named Hester Prynne, has a child from a man she isn't married to and whom she refuses to identify to the local ministers who are demanding to know the father's identity.

As a result, the punishment for her "sin" is that she must stand on a scaffold in town for three hours to be shamed and ridiculed by the townspeople. In addition, she must wear the scarlet letter "A," which stands for adultery, for the rest of her life.

What is Modern Day Slut-Shaming?

Let's start by defining modern day slut-shaming (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Stop Slut-Shaming

Modern day slut-shaming is a term used for the act of judging, stigmatizing and bullying girls and women based on their appearance, sexual attitudes and their actual or perceived sexual habits. 

Although contemporary society no longer requires girls and women to stand in the town square to be shamed, current day bullies have other ways to degrade and humiliate them, including verbal harassment and cyberbullying with posts on social media.

Anyone can be slut-shamed, but teenage girls and women of all ages are usually the targets for violating sexual norms from the perspective of the harassers.  

This form of bullying and sexual harassment can occur with or without the intended target's knowledge either in person or, as mentioned before, on social media.  Unfortunately, social media provides a platform for slut-shaming which can reach millions of people.

Girls and Women Are Not Asking For It

There is often an attitude among people who engage in this form of sexual harassment that girls and women are "asking for it" by wearing certain clothes or engaging in certain sexual behavior.  This attitude is a form of misogyny.  

According to the American Association of University Women, slut-shaming is the most common form of sexual harassment in middle school.  

Schools can also, unwittingly, create the atmosphere for slut-shaming by requiring certain dress codes for girls that prohibit them from wearing clothes that reveal "too much skin," but the same schools often don't have the same dress code for boys.  

Girls in these schools are often penalized for "distracting boys" with revealing clothes.  This is a form of scapegoating and victim-blaming. It sends a dangerous message to everyone that girls are responsible for boys' "uncontrolled" behavior.  It also blames girls who are sexually harassed and assaulted by indicating that it was their own fault.  

Examples of Modern Day Slut-Shaming

The following examples represent only a few of the many ways that girls and women are slut-shamed:

• A woman who is wearing a sexy outfit is criticized (by men and women) as being a "bimbo," "hoe" and other derogatory names to her face as well as behind her back.

• A woman who enjoys sex is degraded verbally to her face as well as being gossiped behind her back.

• A woman who has an extensive sexual history is verbally attacked by her boyfriend (or spouse) in an unrelated argument.

Stop Slut-Shaming

• A woman discovers that a former boyfriend placed a sex video of them on social media without her consent (see my article: What is Revenge Porn?).

• A high school girl, who is about to text her boyfriend with a sexy picture of herself, is shamed by her friend.

• A middle school girl comes to class one day and discovers her classmates are gossiping about her because a boy she dated revealed she allowed him to touch her breasts.  At the same time, this boy is praised by his male friends for the same acts for which the girl is denigrated.

• A high school girl discovers that her classmates are criticizing her sex life on social media.

The SlutWalk and #MeToo Movement: Reclaiming the Word "Slut"

Even celebrities aren't immune from slut-shaming.  Some of the most visible cases of slut-shaming on social media have included celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande and Amber Rose.

After she was slut-shamed by her former husband, Amber Rose created the SlutWalk in 2015 where she gave a speech to talk about her personal experience.  In addition, she has spoken out publicly about the purpose of the Slutwalk as giving women a voice for gender equality and to address sexual injustice, victim blaming and derogatory labeling.

The Slutwalk is one way that women have reclaimed the word "slut." With regard to the origin of the word, it seems to have been used originally by English poet Geoffrey Chaucer who used the word "sluttish" in the 14th century to describe untidy men.  Eventually, "slut" was attributed to kitchen maids and "dirty women" and was followed by the more contemporary sexual connotation that has been used to scapegoat women in general.

The reclaiming of the word "slut" is intended to deal with external misogyny as well as the internalized misogyny experienced by women.

The Slutwalk also provides a way for women to tell their own stories and provides words of empowerment for other women who have endured this form of sexual harassment.  It has become an international movement which calls for the end of rape culture, victim blaming and slut-shaming.

The #MeToo movement has also served to empower women and raise people's awareness about sexual harassment and sexual violence.

The Psychological Effects of Slut-Shaming

The psychological effects of slut-shaming can be traumatic and long lasting.

Slut-shaming has been linked to 

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Feelings of guilt and shame 
• Problems with body image
• Low self esteem
• sexual anxiety
  
• Sexual guilt
• Suicidal ideation
• Suicide 

Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have experienced slut-shaming, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients overcome psychological trauma.

Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma, rebuild your confidence and improve your overall well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

In previous articles I've discussed the mental health benefits of keeping a journal (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal and The Benefits of Journaling Between Therapy Sessions).

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

In this article I'm focusing specifically on the benefits of keeping an erotic journal as part of your erotic self discovery as discussed by Dr. Jack Morin in his book, The Erotic Mind - Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

How to Start an Erotic Journal

You can start an erotic journal by keeping a notebook and creating sections for the following experiences:

• Memories of Peak Erotic Experiences including the hottest erotic memories from any time in your life (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences)

• Non-Sexual Erotic Memories including any type of eroticism, which isn't necessarily sexual. According to sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, eroticism blooms from the tension between excitation and inhibition in terms of the way you think, feel, act and what you do.

• Sexual Fantasies including fantasies you'd like to try in real life as well as fantasies that get you turned on but you want to remain as fantasies without enacting them (see my article: Discovering the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

• Erotic Dreams including dreams where you felt erotically energized either by yourself or with a partner or partners

• Other Erotic Thoughts and Feelings including eroticism you're curious about or any other erotic thoughts and feelings that come to mind

Why Keep an Erotic Journal

The great thing about keeping this kind of journal is that it helps you to remember the erotic experiences you've had in the past and experiences you want to have now or in the future.  

Keeping an erotic journal often creates an opportunity 

• To create greater self awareness of your erotic self 

• To feel alive and erotically embodied

• To improve your self care by helping you to get in touch with sensuous experiences you enjoy, a relaxing bubble bath, scented candles, incense, smoothing on your favorite body lotion and whatever else engages your five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch and taste)

Self Care and Your Erotic Self

• To learn about your erotic blueprint (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2)

• To create a new sexual awakening for yourself, especially if you have gotten into a rut with solo or partnered sex and need to feel sexually alive again  

• To increase your sexual self esteem (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

• To improve your sex script in either solo sex or partnered sex (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script)

• To discover the possibility of a kinky side in your personality (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What's the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?)

Do You Have an Undiscovered Kinky Side? 

• To share ideas with a partner or partners about what you would like to experience sexually together or alone, if you wish. Keeping it private, at least at first, is a way to prevent you from feeling inhibited about what you write so you don't self censor before you have a chance to capture your erotic thoughts and feelings in writing.  A compromise to sharing or not sharing might be sharing selectively what you want your partner(s) to know about you and what you like (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Also see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Self Discovery.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're feeling stuck in terms of your erotic self, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy.

There can be many reasons why you feel stuck, including sexual anxiety, depression, a negative body image, a history of sexual abuse and other related problems.

Sex therapy is talk therapy that focuses on sex. There is no physical exam, nudity or sexual activity (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

A sex therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are preventing you from having passionate and fulfilling erotic and sexual experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Revenge Porn and How Can You Prevent It?

Revenge porn has become a serious problem over the last several years.  In this article I'll define revenge porn and what you can do to take care of yourself if this happens to you.

Revenge Porn

What is Revenge Porn?

Revenge porn is usually defined as sharing sexually explicit photos of someone to shame or humiliate them.

The usual scenario is that when someone in a relationship wants to end it, the other person either threatens to share sexually explicit photos with others or on social media as a way to get back at the individual who wants to end the relationship.

These threats are also made as form of coercion where the partner who is making the threats hopes to prevent the breakup.

The person who threatens or who actually shares sexually explicit photos wants to frighten, control, and embarrass the other person and cause emotional pain.

Why Do People Engage in Revenge Porn?

Generally speaking, the person who is angry about being left wants to hurt the partner because s/he feels hurt, abandoned and angry about being left.  It's a way to get back at their ex.  This is not an excuse to condone this behavior.  It's an explanation for the behavior.

Some people who make these threats might hope that the threats will keep their partner from leaving or, if they have already broken up, they might hope that it will force the ex to get back in the relationship.  This is obviously a very serious form of manipulation.  

Note:  In New York City, revenge porn is a crime (more about this later).

Not surprisingly, research into this behavior has revealed that people who engage in revenge porn often lack empathy and are not concerned about hurting others.

Feeling Betrayed and Violated by Revenge Porn

Anyone who has ever had the experience of having sexually explicit pictures shared with others or placed on social media without permission feels betrayed and violated.

Going through a breakup can be painful enough without having to deal with an ex--someone you once loved and trusted--violating your trust by exposing your nude photos.  It can make you feel like you never knew this person, and it can make it hard for you to trust again in future relationships.

Revenge Porn: Prevention First

To avoid having potential problems in the future, your best option is not to allow anyone to take nude or sexually explicit pictures of you that you wouldn't want to be revealed.

It might feel sexy and fun to share nude pictures, but once these pictures are out of your possession, it's hard to control what someone might do with them.

If someone has taken pictures of you that you're unaware of, that's a different story.  But, to the extent that you can avoid this problem, prevention is your best choice.

Revenge Porn is Illegal in New York
I want to emphasize that I am a psychotherapist and not a lawyer.  But I'm aware that in New York City revenge porn is a crime.

The New York City Council passed a law that makes it illegal to leak nude images with the intent to harm someone.  In New York City, the person who leaks such photos risks going to jail or being fined $1,000.

In order to break the law, the individual who is sharing the photos must be trying to cause harm on an economic, physical or on an emotional level.  It is also illegal to threaten to show nude photos, and the perpetrator can be sued (click on this link for more information from the NYC Council website about the law).

You can also consult with an attorney to find out your other legal options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to cope with revenge porn can be traumatic on many levels.

Many people who have experienced revenge porn feel too ashamed to talk to friends and family about it or, if they do, they often find that their loved ones don't understand.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the feelings of betrayal, sadness and anger that people often experience after revenge porn (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these feelings (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a sex positive trauma-informed psychotherapist, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

No wants to be rejected. Being rejected can feel humiliating, and fear of rejection often makes people compare themselves unfavorable to others. They tell themselves they're unlovable, not attractive enough, and generally not good enough (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

This stops them from putting themselves out there--even when they really want to date or be in a relationship (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection).

How to Flirt Without Being Creepy When You Fear Rejection

Most people don't come of age learning how to flirt.  Usually, there are no classes in school on how to flirt or even how to develop good social skills.  So these skills often feel elusive--as if everyone else knows how to do it and you don't.  But you can overcome your fear of rejection and learn to flirt in a non-creepy way.

What is Creepy Flirting?

A narcissistic player or womanizer, who mistreats women by manipulating and using them sexually, is an obvious creep.  He has a sexual goal in mind and he uses flirting and playful teasing as a way to disarm women and manipulate them into sleeping with him (see my articles: What is Sexual Narcissism - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creepy Flirting

He might hide his lack of confidence and fear of rejection beneath his narcissism long enough for a brief sexual encounter. Then, after he makes his sexual conquest, he moves on to the next woman because his sexual needs are often insatiable.  

But there are other kinds of creepy flirting, so let's focus on some tips for non-creepy flirting when you have a fear of rejection.

Tips For Non-Creepy Flirting When You Fear Rejection

Creepy flirting, whether it's intentional or not, makes the other person feel uncomfortable, unsafe and wary of you. 

These tips apply regardless of sex, gender, age, race or sexual orientation.

• Be Aware and Respect the Other Person's Personal Boundaries: There are physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. When you're trying to meet someone or flirt with them, you need to be able to read their body language and pick up on social cues so you don't violate their boundaries.

• Physical boundaries: 
• Personal space includes the need not to feel physically impinged upon
• Comfort or discomfort with physical touch
• A need to be left alone

Be Aware and Respect Boundaries

• Emotional boundaries:
• Feelings, including the need not to engage with you or explain why they don't want to engage with you
• Energy, including the need not to expend energy in meeting you

• Sexual boundaries: 
• Consent: This means you're being given enthusiastic consent
• Agreement: You know the other person is in complete agreement with you
• An understanding of preferences, desires and privacy: You're sure you understand the other person's preferences and if they just want to be left alone

• Don't Stare at Them: Staring makes people feel uncomfortable. So, be aware, even if you're not trying to make the other person feel uncomfortable, not to stare at them.  A glance from you to gauge their interest is different from staring.  If they reciprocate with a smile, smile back and assess the situation as to whether you can approach or not.  If you approach and the other person signals they're not interested, smile and walk away. Don't continue to look at them because then you're crossing a personal boundary.

• Respect How the Other Person Responds to You: Assuming you're aware of the other person's personal boundaries, you read their body language correctly, and you have approached them in a respectful way:

• Listen to What They Say: Non-creepy flirting means you don't persist in trying to flirt or be friendly when they've said they're not interested.  Also, don't take it personally because it might not be about you.  It might just be about how they're feeling at the moment or some other issue.  

Listen to What She Says

• Don't Follow Them: Whether they've responded positively or negatively, don't follow them.  Following them is definitely creepy behavior and could be considered stalking. If they respond positively and you want to ask them out for coffee, ask--don't assume.  

• Don't Pursue Them on Social Media: In addition to not following them in person, don't follow them on social media unless you have their consent. This means you don't text them on social media sites without asking first.  

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

Now that we've covered the basics in terms of not violating boundaries or acting creepy, let's focus on your fear of rejection.

• Flirting is Not About You.  It's About the Other Person: One way to flirt when you fear rejection is to focus on the other person instead of putting your expectations on them.  This means you're focusing on how to make them feel good in a genuine way while you're reading their body language, social cues and all the other factors discussed above.  

• Smile and Be Friendly: Smiling and being friendly is very different from being creepy.  Don't open with a come-on line like Joey Tribbiani of Friends ("How you doin'").  Keep it simple.  You can ask a simple question about if they usually come to this place, but if they don't respond in a friendly manner or you sense they're uncomfortable, move on and leave them alone.

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection: Smile and Be Friendly

• Don't Focus on Flirting as a Means to an End: Most people flirt so they can get the other person's telephone number, ask them out on a date or get them to have sex with them.  But this is how you set yourself up for rejection. If that's your focus, the person you're interested in might be put off by it.  So, remember: Flirting isn't about you. It's about the other person.  Instead of asking for their telephone number, you can give them your number if they seem receptive.  But don't make a big deal out of it by asking when they'll call or when you'll see them again.

• Use a Sense of Humor: Assuming the other person is receptive to talking to you and you have gotten past the initial stage of introducing yourself, you can use a sense of humor to ease this interaction and have fun.  Once again, you're doing this without an ulterior motive of getting them to go out on a date or have sex with you. Only do this if you know how to use humor to flirt.  If it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable to be funny, don't do it because your awkwardness will probably make the other person feel uncomfortable too (see my article:  A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Sexually Attractive).

• Know When to Back Off If It's Not Going Well: At any point along the way if you sense the other person isn't interested, don't persist. Know when to back off and leave gracefully, which could mean you just say, "It was nice meeting you" and then go.

• Know When to Leave Even When It's Going Well: Likewise, even if you've had an enjoyable chat with this person, you also need to know when to leave.  Either way, don't just walk away. Thank them for chatting and go about your business.  

• Remember: Non-Creepy Flirting is a Skill: Don't expect to do it perfectly the first time and maybe not even the next several times. If you don't know how to flirt, you'll need practice--it's just like developing any other social skill.

When to Seek Help in Therapy

There are times when unresolved trauma gets in the way of interacting socially with other people.  

If you know you have unresolved trauma that is affecting you in the present, seek help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved issues so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who has helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is a Good Sense of Humor So Attractive?

A good sense of humor is sexually appealing to most people.  It's one of the qualities that's often mentioned in dating profiles as an attractive quality in a potential partner.

A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Very Attractive

This article will explore what makes a good sense of humor, why it's so sexually appealing, and how you can develop a healthy sense of humor to enhance your social skills.

What is a Good Sense of Humor?

First, let's distinguish well-intentioned humor from mean-spirited humor.  

Unfortunately, a lot of humor today is mean spirited.  It's based on getting a laugh at someone else's expense, which is a form of bullying.  

Well-intentioned humor, on the other hand, makes people feel good.  It makes people laugh without hurting their feelings.  

Well-Intentioned Humor Doesn't Hurt Others' Feelings

A good sense of humor is a valued social trait.  Conversely, an undeveloped sense of humor often means undeveloped social skills, and it can put someone at a social disadvantage.

In some cases, having a good sense of humor means entertaining people and making them laugh.  But more often than not it means having the ability to see humor in every day life.  

People with a good sense of humor tend to:

• Be Creative
• Think Outside the Box
• Bring a Different Perspective to Situations
• Have a Lighthearted Attitude
• Be Resilient
• Be Adaptable
• Be Conscientious (they don't try to get a laugh from mean-spirited jokes)
• Cope With Stress Better
• Laugh More and Others Laugh With Them
• Benefit in Terms of Their Health and Mental Health (see my article: The Benefits of Laughter For Health and Mental Health)

What is the Connection Between a Good Sense of Humor and Sexiness?

Flirting, pleasant teasing, playfulness, creativity, self confidence and intelligence are all qualities that most people find sexually appealing:

• Humor and Flirting: Flirting is driven by emotions and instinct rather than logic. Flirting and pleasant teasing often signal sexual interest.  Flirting can be used to gauge someone's sexual interest in you. It can also ease tension between people. In addition, flirting stimulates the nervous system with increased blood flow and the release of adrenaline.  

Flirting and Healthy Teasing

• Humor and Playfulness: Humor and playfulness can create a strong bond between two people.  Being able to laugh together also helps people to feel more comfortable with each other.  Playfulness is also fun and sexy when you're attracted to someone and you sense they're attracted to you.

• Self Humor and Confidence: Being able to laugh at yourself shows self confidence, which is sexually appealing to most people.  

Humor and Self Confidence

• Humor and Intelligence: Intelligence is an important quality for most people when they are seeking a romantic partner.  For many people, especially people who identify themselves as sapiosexual (people who find intelligence to be sexually arousing), intelligence is essential. But for most people intelligence is not as important as a good sense of humor.  According to Psychology Today, people with a good sense of humor are usually intelligent, but intelligent people don't necessarily have a good sense of humor.  

Developing a Good Sense of Humor

If you want to develop a better sense of humor:

• Learn to listen and observe people who have a good sense of humor and who know how to banter.

• Be aware that to be humorous in a well-intentioned way can signal that you're friendly.  It can also be flirty and signal that you're attracted to someone.

• Learn how to respond to other people's humor, especially if you're someone who tends to be easily offended and jump to conclusions by taking things personally.  This doesn't mean that if someone makes a joke that's offensive you need to pretend that it's funny. But before you react, pause and ask yourself if it's likely this person wanted to offend you.  After you take a pause, you can decide how to respond.  If you still find the other person's humor offensive, let them know you don't appreciate it in a tactful way.

• Learn to be funny without being offensive.  Jokes, stories or statements that are racist, homophobic, sexist, ageist, or that are at other people's expense, aren't funny, so avoid them.  Like any other social skill, you'll need to observe others and practice taking a risk by putting yourself out there.

Conclusion

Sexual attraction is influenced by many individual factors, including psychological, cultural, genetic, conscious and unconscious factors.

An undeveloped sense of humor often signals undeveloped social skills. 

A good sense of humor can enhance sexual attractiveness.  People often want to be around someone with a good sense of humor because their humor is fun and it makes them good about themselves.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved emotional problems, you might be struggling socially.  This makes it difficult to meet and socialize with others.

Seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) officially removed the psychiatric diagnoses for BDSM (bondage dominance discipline sadism submission masochism), fetishism and transvestic fetishism (a variant of cross dressing) from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Health (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?)

What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

The removal of these diagnoses was a recognition that people who practice these consensual sexual activities are not mentally ill based on their sexual practices.

Prior to the removal of these diagnostic codes from the DSM, these sexual behaviors were considered psychiatric problems, and they had serious consequences in child custody and other legal cases.

Although kinky sex and fetishes have become more mainstream for many people, due in part to films like 9 1/2 Weeks and 50 Shades of Gray, there's still confusion, misconceptions and stigmatization related to them.

What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

The words fetish and kink are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference between them.

    What is a Kink?

A kink refers to unconventional sexual interests or behavior.  Of course, this is subjective because what is considered unconventional to some people is considered common sexual behavior to others.  

Kink can be practiced during solo sex (masturbation) or during partnered sex with one or more people.

Kinks can include a wide variety of sexual behavior:

• Group sex, including threesomes and a type of threesome called cuckolding
• Consensual nonmonogamous relationships, including polyamory 
• Role play
  
• Wearing costumes during sex 
• And other kinky behavior

    What is a Fetish?

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that most people who are fetishists need their fetish to get sexually aroused.  

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  The sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on.  

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo as well as criminal behavior (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Gerontophilia, which means being attracted to, having sex with or falling in love with an older person, is another fetish.  

An example would be a younger man who gets turned on by an older women--either in fantasy or reality (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men and Can Modern Day Age Gap Relationships Last?).

The main difference between someone who likes certain body parts, objects or sexual activities and someone who fetishizes them is that the person who likes the body part or object can enjoy them, but the person who fetishizes them needs the fetish to get sexually aroused.  In other words, they can't get sexually aroused without the fetish.

Kinks and Fetishes

Kinks and fetishes can overlap.  

Kinks are often used in a relationship to explore different ways of relating sexually, to spice up their sex life and to enhance intimacy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

How to Explore Kink or Fetishes Safely

    Start By Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner(s)

If you and your partner(s) are new to exploring kinks or fetishes, you can start by exploring your sexual fantasies related to these sexual activities.  This is a relatively low risk way to introduce these ideas to see if your partner is interested (see my article: Tips on How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Depending upon your partner(s)' and your own previous comfort level with kink or fetishes, you will probably need to have more than one talk about it.

If you're the one who is listening to your partner talk about their sexual desires, as long as the activity involves consenting adults, don't be judgmental.  

You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do but, at the same time, try to keep an open mind in terms of exploring what turns your partner on about this particular kink or fetish. Don't shame your partner.  

If you don't want to engage in a particular sexual activity, tell your partner you're not into it, but don't criticize your partner (see my article: Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum).

If you decide to try it, go slow at first.  Try something that you both feel enthusiastic about and consent to do.  If you both enjoy that, you can talk about it afterwards and proceed from there.

If your partner(s) isn't into it, don't pressure them.  Find other ways to explore, possibly on your own during solo sex (masturbation).

    Consent and Safety

Exploring kink or fetishes requires consenting adults who are giving enthusiastic consent (as opposed to a partner who is going along with the other partner to appease them) to the sexual activities.

Safety means you and your partner(s) have done your research in terms of knowing what's involved and how to practice your particular kink or fetish.  For instance, if you and your partner(s) want to engage in rope play, you are both thoroughly familiar with the safety issues involved.  Maybe you even take a course beforehand so no one gets hurt.

    SSC and RACK

SSC and RACK are two acronyms that are important to keep in mind with regard to consent and safety:

• SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual means that everything is based on safe activities, all participants are adults and of sound mind, and all participants consent to these activities.

• RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink means everyone involved is aware of the risks, consents to the sexual activities and feels comfortable with these activities.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Womanizers are known by many different names, including players, ladies men, Casanovas,  Romeos, fuckboys and other similar names.  Regardless of the label, they often have certain traits in common (see my article: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Men who are womanizers often have at least some of the following characteristics:

• He Has a Reputation: Former girlfriends and women who dated him can tell you that he has a reputation for lying and keeping secrets, chasing women and discarding them when he gets bored or they call him out on his behavior. Womanizers often leave a trail of broken promises and broken hearts.

• He Has a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships: As part of his bad reputation, a womanizer has a history of cheating when he's supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. He also has a history of lying to prior girlfriends about who he is with and where he is at any given time because he's cheating (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

Womanizers Often Have a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships

• He Comes On Quickly: A womanizer's goal is to have sex with you as quickly as he can before you realize what he's about. He doesn't want you to know too much about him because that could get in the way of seducing you, so speed is important to him.

• He Acts Confident to Try to Impress You:  Womanizers know that confidence, especially sexual confidence, can be a powerful aphrodisiac to many women so they act confident as part of their seduction.

• He Brags About Himself: Related to acting confident, womanizers often brag about themselves, especially about how many women they've slept with.  This is a calculated risk because it's a turn-on for some women, but it's a definite turn-off to many others.  Aside from bragging about his sexual prowess, a womanizer wants you to know that many other women find him sexually desirable, which he hopes will make you feel like you're special because, out of all the women who want him, he's paying attention to you.

• He Says He Doesn't Believe in Relationship Labels: A womanizer often dislikes labels when it comes to defining the nature of your relationship with him. He might make up excuses about it not being necessary to define who you are to each other. This allows him to manipulate you and define things in a way that is convenient for him.

• You Don't Know How Many Other Women He's Seeing: He might be vague as to how many other women he's seeing or he might lie outright and tell you that you're the only one. But chances are, if he's a womanizer, he has at least several women he's stringing along.

Womanizers Often Have Many Women They String Along

• He Lies A Lot: If you don't actually catch him in lies, you'll start getting suspicious about inconsistencies in what he's telling you, especially when he slips up. Lies also include lies of omission.

• He is Constantly Checking Out Other Women: It's not unusual for someone who is in a relationship to feel attractions for other people, but womanizers take it to a whole other level.  He might say he's "just friendly," but he's more than just friendly. If he's constantly checking out other women, he's looking for opportunities for other sexual encounters while you're not paying attention.

Womanizers Constantly Check Out Other Women

• He Doesn't Want to Be Seen With You in Public: He prefers to do "Netflix and Chill" rather than going out with you in public. Even if you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with him, he might be hesitant about disclosing his relationship status with you on social media because this could get in the way of his meeting other women online.  If he does go out with you in public, he dislikes public displays of affection because he's probably looking for other opportunities to meet women when you're not looking.

• He Doesn't Introduce You to Family and Friends: If you've been seeing someone for several months and he hasn't introduced you to family and friends, this is often a warning sign that you're with a womanizer.  A womanizer often makes a lot of excuses about why he doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life.  This is often a red flag that even though you and he are supposed to be monogamous, he's seeing other people. 

• He Displays Signs of Toxic Masculinity: Signs of toxic masculinity include:
• Sexual promiscuity
• Sexism
• A sense of entitlement
• Chauvinism including hostility towards feminism and the Me Too movement
• Sexual aggression
• An exaggerated sense of "manliness" 
• Problems with feeling or expressing vulnerable emotions, like sadness or love
• Violence
• Low empathy, which can border on sociopathy (being a sociopath) in some cases
• A "Bros Before Hos" attitude
• Homophobia

What to Do If You Realize You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Finding out you're with a womanizer can be very hurtful, but rather than avoiding the issue:

• Confront Him: Talk to him about the behavior you've observed in him and that you don't like. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, tell him this and ask him if he's able to make a commitment. If he tells you he's never been monogamous before and he doesn't want to be, believe him. Don't try to convince yourself that you can change him because this often leads to disappointment and heartbreak.  If he says he wants to change and be monogamous, you need to consider whether you can believe and trust him.  If he dismisses your concerns without addressing them, he's probably not ready to change. Womanizers can change, but they often don't, so know what you're up against.

Confront Him and Have a Serious Talk

• Get Help in Therapy: Getting help from a trained mental health professional can provide an opportunity to work things through individually or in couples therapy.  If your partner is sexually compulsive, he could benefit from individual work with a sex therapist.  The two of you can also work with a sex therapist to try to change the dynamics in your relationship. If he refuses to go to therapy, seek help yourself to understand what keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.

• Know When to End the Relationship: Even though it can be very hard to leave someone you love, you need to love yourself first. If you're putting a partner, who is a womanizer, above your own emotional well-being, you could be struggling with low self esteem.  The longer you remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you, the more emotionally damaging it will be for you in the long run (see my article: How to Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.