What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) officially removed the psychiatric diagnoses for BDSM (bondage dominance discipline sadism submission masochism), fetishism and transvestic fetishism (a variant of cross dressing) from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Health (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?)

What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

The removal of these diagnoses was a recognition that people who practice these consensual sexual activities are not mentally ill based on their sexual practices.

Prior to the removal of these diagnostic codes from the DSM, these sexual behaviors were considered psychiatric problems, and they had serious consequences in child custody and other legal cases.

Although kinky sex and fetishes have become more mainstream for many people, due in part to films like 9 1/2 Weeks and 50 Shades of Gray, there's still confusion, misconceptions and stigmatization related to them.

What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?

The words fetish and kink are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference between them.

    What is a Kink?

A kink refers to unconventional sexual interests or behavior.  Of course, this is subjective because what is considered unconventional to some people is considered common sexual behavior to others.  

Kink can be practiced during solo sex (masturbation) or during partnered sex with one or more people.

Kinks can include a wide variety of sexual behavior:

• Group sex, including threesomes and a type of threesome called cuckolding
• Consensual nonmonogamous relationships, including polyamory 
• Role play
  
• Wearing costumes during sex 
• And other kinky behavior

    What is a Fetish?

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that most people who are fetishists need their fetish to get sexually aroused.  

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  The sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on.  

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo as well as criminal behavior (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Gerontophilia, which means being attracted to, having sex with or falling in love with an older person, is another fetish.  

An example would be a younger man who gets turned on by an older women--either in fantasy or reality (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men and Can Modern Day Age Gap Relationships Last?).

The main difference between someone who likes certain body parts, objects or sexual activities and someone who fetishizes them is that the person who likes the body part or object can enjoy them, but the person who fetishizes them needs the fetish to get sexually aroused.  In other words, they can't get sexually aroused without the fetish.

Kinks and Fetishes

Kinks and fetishes can overlap.  

Kinks are often used in a relationship to explore different ways of relating sexually, to spice up their sex life and to enhance intimacy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

How to Explore Kink or Fetishes Safely

    Start By Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner(s)

If you and your partner(s) are new to exploring kinks or fetishes, you can start by exploring your sexual fantasies related to these sexual activities.  This is a relatively low risk way to introduce these ideas to see if your partner is interested (see my article: Tips on How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Depending upon your partner(s)' and your own previous comfort level with kink or fetishes, you will probably need to have more than one talk about it.

If you're the one who is listening to your partner talk about their sexual desires, as long as the activity involves consenting adults, don't be judgmental.  

You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do but, at the same time, try to keep an open mind in terms of exploring what turns your partner on about this particular kink or fetish. Don't shame your partner.  

If you don't want to engage in a particular sexual activity, tell your partner you're not into it, but don't criticize your partner (see my article: Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum).

If you decide to try it, go slow at first.  Try something that you both feel enthusiastic about and consent to do.  If you both enjoy that, you can talk about it afterwards and proceed from there.

If your partner(s) isn't into it, don't pressure them.  Find other ways to explore, possibly on your own during solo sex (masturbation).

    Consent and Safety

Exploring kink or fetishes requires consenting adults who are giving enthusiastic consent (as opposed to a partner who is going along with the other partner to appease them) to the sexual activities.

Safety means you and your partner(s) have done your research in terms of knowing what's involved and how to practice your particular kink or fetish.  For instance, if you and your partner(s) want to engage in rope play, you are both thoroughly familiar with the safety issues involved.  Maybe you even take a course beforehand so no one gets hurt.

    SSC and RACK

SSC and RACK are two acronyms that are important to keep in mind with regard to consent and safety:

• SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual means that everything is based on safe activities, all participants are adults and of sound mind, and all participants consent to these activities.

• RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink means everyone involved is aware of the risks, consents to the sexual activities and feels comfortable with these activities.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Relationships: What is Power Play?

Power play refers to the BDSM practice of dominant/submissive roles (see my articles: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships and What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

What is Power Play?

What is Power Play?

When you engage in power play with a partner, you both agree beforehand specifically to what you want and don't want.  Some couples write up a power and submission agreement where they negotiate what they want so everything is clear and consensual (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

They also agree beforehand to a safe word, which is a code word that the submissive uses as a way to indicate that they want everything to stop.  If the agreed upon safe word is "red," it's understood that if the submissive says any other word, like, "Stop" or "No more," the dominant won't stop unless the submissive says "red." 

After an agreement has been reached about what they will do and what is off limits, the submissive submits to the dominant partner within the limits of what each of you have given consent to do.  This could include spanking, being tied up or whatever they have agreed to before they take on their roles.  You can be as creative and imaginative as you like as long as you're both in agreement.

Most couples only take on these roles during the power play scene they create, but there are also couples who continue in their roles throughout the relationship unless one of them wants to de-role for a particular reason or a period of time. It all depends on what you and your partner feel comfortable with in your relationship.

How to Keep Power Play Safe and Fun

• Communicate With Your Partner: If this is the first time you're talking to your partner about wanting to engage in power play, you'll probably need to have more than one talk for both of you to be comfortable with it.  If your partner is hesitant, don't pressure them (see the next step below about taking a step back).  Along with communicating, it's very important that you're with someone you know well and trust.

• Take a Step Back, If Necessary, and Talk About Your BDSM Fantasies: If your partner is reluctant, instead of pressuring them, you might want to talk about your sexual fantasies about BDSM without actually doing anything physical and see how your partner responds. For many couples, just talking about the fantasy of power play is enough to get them sexually aroused (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

• Ensure Both of You Are Comfortable and Consent to All the Activities in the Role Play: As previously mentioned, some couples make a written agreement to be specific about what is being agreed to and what is not.  Basically, these role play activities can be anything you want within the bounds of your agreement. Consent should be given without reservations. A half hearted consent where one person is going along with it to please the other partner should be considered a "no."  You can also renegotiate your agreement at any time (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

• Make Sure You're Both Safe: SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual, and it means everyone involved is safe and has the mental capacity to consent to these activities. RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, emphasizes individual responsibility for one's own safety. Both terms are used in the kink community to ensure that both people are safe throughout the entire power play. 

• Check In With Each Other: Even if you have both enthusiastically consented to all the power play activities and you're set to go with whatever sex toys, vibrators, restraints and whatever else you both want to use, check in with yourself and your partner to make sure neither of you are having second thoughts.  What might have seemed like fun while you were both talking about it might not be as much fun for one or both of you in reality.  Be prepared to either scale back what you planned to do or to stop altogether.

• Make It Fun: The roles of dominant/submissive can be intense. So, take safety and consent seriously, but also have fun with it.  Power play is meant to be pleasurable.

• Practice After Care: After care means taking care of each other after you engage in power play. It means that after you and your partner come back from your role play, you're both back to reality.  Many couples find it helpful to practice grounding techniques to make sure you're fully in the present moment, calm and feeling safe.  It's a time for coming back to your everyday roles.  If you're not sure what your partner needs, ask them--it might be a hug or it might mean holding them or talking.  Similarly, ask your partner for what you need.  Also, remember that there can be spikes in endorphins and adrenaline during power play, which can cause a "drop" as you crash from a natural high. This drop might include (but is not limited to): 
• irritability
• guilt
• sadness
• shame
• problems concentrating 
• aches or pains

• Communicate After Power Play and After Care Activities: Once you're both back to the present moment, choose a time that's good for both of you and talk about what worked and what might not have worked in your role play. This will help you to create a fun and safe time if you both decide to do role playing again.

Getting Help in Therapy

Power play can be fun and sexy, but it can also bring up unexpected feelings for some people.

A sex-positive licensed mental health professional, who is knowledgeable about power play and other kink activities, can help you to overcome difficulties that might arise either before or after role play, so don't hesitate to seek help if either of you have unanticipated emotions afterwards.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

Sexual Wellness: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent

In kink culture negotiating consent before any sexual activities begin is a normal and accepted  practice (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent

Even if you're not engaging in kinky sex, you can learn a lot about how to arrive at consent between sexual partners, which is an essential part of sexual activity.

Consent involves clear communication, honesty and mutual respect (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

What's the Difference Between Arriving at Consent vs Giving Permission?

When you and your partner arrive at consent, it's different from just giving permission. 

Giving consent is an active process where you think about what each of you want and both of you have an active voice. Whereas when you give permission, you're often agreeing or just going along without thinking about it much.

Active Sexual Consent:

• Must Be Explicit: An absence of a "no" isn't consent. Consent is an explicit "yes" to particular sexual activities.

• Can Change at Any Time:You or your partner can change your mind at any time about sexual activities--even activities you have engaged in before.

• Requires that You Check In If You're Unsure About How You or Your Partner Feels: If you and your partner agree to a particular sexual activity, but you sense your partner is tense or uncomfortable while you're having sex, check in with yourself and your partner to make sure neither of you is just going along when, in fact, you don't want to do it.

• Might Require You to Slow Down: It's okay to slow down or stop if one or both of you aren't sure you want to continue.

• Does Not Involve Alcohol or Drugs: You and your partner can't give active consent to sexual activities if there is excessive alcohol or drugs involved and you're impaired.

What is SSC and RACK?

• Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC): In the kink community, Safe, Sane and Consensual means that all parties are involved in sexual activities that are safe and they have the mental capacity to consent to the particular activities.

• Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): Some people in the kink community prefer the concept of RACK, which stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  RACK emphasizes individual responsibility for sexual activities.  This means that each person is responsible for his/her own well-being.

Lessons to Learn From Kink Culture About Sex and Consent

• Have a Dialog About Consent: Negotiation about sexual activities (as opposed to just a "yes" or "no" conversation) is a core concept in kink culture. It's a collaboration to enhance pleasure and ensure emotional and physical safety.  It involves negotiating sexual boundaries beforehand, whether you're engaging in kink or "vanilla" sex, to ensure that everyone is on the same page.  Never agree to anything you don't feel comfortable doing or try to push your partner to do things s/he doesn't want to do.

• Be Aware that Consent is an Ongoing Process: Consent is an ongoing dynamic process--not a one and done matter.  You can't assume that what someone consents to on one day will be acceptable on another day, which is why there needs to be an ongoing dialog.  Also, you and your partner need to be specific in terms of defining what you mean.  For instance, if you're talking about spanking, be specific as to how, when, where and what you want.  This applies to any sexual activity.

• Be Playful and Seductive, if You Like, in Your Dialog: Having a conversation about consent and what is pleasurable for you and your partner doesn't have to be overly serious and boring.  You can be playful and seductive as long as you both have a clear understanding.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have problems talking about sex because of your family history, religion, culture, values or a history of trauma, you're not alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

You could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome these obstacles.

When you're free from obstacles that keep you from communicating your needs, you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.