Are You Afraid to Show Emotional Vulnerability in Your Relationship Because Your Partner Uses It Against You?

During a recent live talk about emotional vulnerability in relationships by sex and relationship therapist Dr. Esther Perel, who is author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, a participant raised the issue that her partner weaponizes her expression of vulnerability against her.  This is a common issue that comes up in couples therapy and it's the topic of this article (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Committed Relationship?

Let's start by defining emotional vulnerability: Being emotionally vulnerable in your relationship means being open and taking the risk to show your most tender emotions to your partner.  Instead of avoiding these emotions or denying them, you let your guard down to acknowledge and express how you feel.  It means putting your heart on the line to be authentic with your partner.

Why is it So Difficult For Some People to Be Emotionally Vulnerable?

Many people learned in their family that being emotionally vulnerable is something to be ashamed of and avoided.  They were discouraged, and maybe even punished, for showing their deepest emotions.  They might have also learned that to reveal their tender emotions was considered an emotional burden to their parents (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

This is often due to their parents being afraid and ashamed of their own vulnerability.  This is what they learned in their family, and it's often an intergenerational pattern that goes from one generation to the next (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

When people grow up in a family where vulnerability is avoided, they don't know how to be open about their tender emotions in their relationships with loved ones.  They avoid it because it feels too raw and frightening. They might not even know what they're feeling because these emotions have been suppressed for so long.  

They don't have the words or the tools to access these emotions.  To an outside observer, it appears as if they don't have emotions.  But, actually, these people, who are often described as emotional "withdrawers" or "stonewallers," have a lot going on internally despite their outer appearance. Their internal experience is often one of fear or even terror, which they learned to hide. They learned that being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous.

Another common reason why people have difficulty expressing vulnerability is that they were hurt in one or more prior relationships when they opened up to their partners.  For many of them, the emotional trauma they experienced in the prior relationship(s) causes them to feel too afraid to take the risk to open up again.  

What to Do If Your Partner Uses Your Emotional Vulnerability as a Weapon Against You?

People who are uncomfortable with their own emotions are often judgmental or even cruel when their loved ones express vulnerability.  They might not even realize that it's their discomfort with their own vulnerable emotions that makes them act out against their partner when they're hurt or angry (see my article: Are You Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

Assuming your partner is unaware of how hurtful it is for you when s/he weaponizes your vulnerability, when you're both calm, you can try telling your partner how you felt when your words were used in this way.  

When your partner is aware of how hurtful it is and s/he does it anyway, this is a different type of problem. It might be that s/he learned to do this by observing his or her parents argue. It was internalized at a deep level so that this is their automatic response.  This isn't an excuse. You and your partner are still responsible for your actions regardless of the reason.  I mention it here so you'll understand why it might be happening.

If this is the case, your partner (or you if you do this) needs to unlearn this response by first becoming comfortable with their own emotions.  This is very difficult to do alone and usually requires either individual or couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused CouplesTherapy, EFT, Helps Improve Relationships).

If your partner is willing to change, the change might be small and incremental at first. This means, if you want to remain in this relationship, you'll need to be patient and manage your expectations in a realistic way (more about this below).

If part of the problem is that your partner is afraid of his or her own vulnerability, Esther Perel, Ph.D. emphasized that it's important to invite your partner to be vulnerable rather than demand it. You can't demand vulnerability because it doesn't work that way and it's counterproductive for what you want.

Whether or not your partner is willing to get help in either individual or couples therapy, only you can decide whether you're going to stay or leave (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).  This is also an issue that can be explored in therapy.

Assuming you and your partner want to remain in the relationship, it's helpful for both of you to be aware that there are usually setbacks in the process of therapy.  Your partner might show progress being more vulnerable and being empathetic to your vulnerability, but then s/he might backslide. This doesn't mean that therapy isn't working--it means that setbacks are a normal part of the process (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of the Process in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

Being in love with someone is inherently vulnerable, especially during the early stage of the relationship when you're both unsure as to where things are going. Some people can tolerate this vulnerability, but many people can't.

Although emotional vulnerability can feel risky, working with a skilled psychotherapist in either individual or couples therapy can help you and your partner to open up to each other in a healthy way.

Taking the first step of reaching out to a licensed mental health professional is often the key to having the relationship you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

  

Making Big Changes: The Role of the Unconscious and Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

Making a major change in your life--even a change you really want--can be challenging.  Many self help books and motivational coaches urge people to "just do it!" as if you could just power through to automatically change.  Although this might be true sometimes, this is a superficial view of what it takes to overcome an emotional block you might encounter when you want to make a big change. What is often overlooked is the role of the unconscious mind in the change process (see my articles: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Making Big Changes: Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

On the surface, it seems logical: You want to make a change in your life, so you make a decision to do it and it gets done. But we now know that most of mental processing occurs on an unconscious level. 

So, although you might think you can just push yourself to make a major change, your unconscious mind initiates the process or, as often happens, gets in the way of your making the change.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how the unconscious can get in the way of making a major change and how experiential therapy can help:

Alice

When Alice came to therapy, she was frustrated and confused about why she was procrastinating with starting a new project she really wanted to do, which involved a major change for her.

Alice told her therapist that there was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to take advantage of this new opportunity to write for a prestigious journal. She knew that being able to publish her scholarly articles would give her the professional exposure she wanted and open up new doors for her.  

And yet, she explained, whenever she thought about submitting her articles to the journal editors, she felt so much anxiety that she got a headache and upset stomach. She tried to reason with herself that there was nothing to cause her discomfort, but she still felt so anxious that she couldn't even sit at her computer.

This left Alice feeling confused and frustrated because she just couldn't understand what was holding her back.  She was also aware that if she procrastinated too long, the editors might withdraw their offer and she didn't want that to happen.  So, to buy herself some time, she negotiated a delay and the editors accommodated her, but she knew she couldn't delay indefinitely.

Prior to coming to therapy, Alice worked with a life coach to help her to get motivated.  The life coach gave Alice various exercises to do, including writing about her core values.  He encouraged her by telling her to remember her past successes, and he also advised her to do affirmations about her new goal. But nothing worked--she still felt sick whenever she thought of this new opportunity.

Not only was she unable to start, but she also felt like there was something seriously wrong with her because her inaction didn't make sense to her.  Her life coach advised Alice that whatever was creating the obstacle for her was beyond the scope of coaching, and he advised her to seek help in therapy so she could work on a deeper level.

Alice's therapist explained to her that, even though, on a conscious level, Alice wanted this opportunity, she was encountering an unconscious block that was getting in the way.  She also explained how they could uncover this block using Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist described the various types of Experiential Therapy, which use the mind-body connection, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis,. She explained how these modalities uncover and overcome the emotional blocks that were getting in Alice's way (see my article: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy).

Over time, Alice's therapist helped Alice to get into a relaxed state so she could use a method called the Affect Bridge to go back to the earliest time when she felt this type of anxiety.  Her therapist explained the Affect Bridge could get to the root of what was triggering Alice's anxiety to uncover the problem.

During one of the sessions using the Affect Bridge, Alice recalled a memory she had not remembered in a long time:  When she was in high school, she came home from school feeling very excited because her English teacher said she wanted to recommend Alice to be a writer on the school newspaper.  Alice loved to write and she had always wanted to write for the paper. But when she told her mother about it, her mother frowned and told her, "Don't forget where we come from."  

Since Alice was a very obedient child and she knew her mother disapproved of her writing for the high school paper, she turned down the opportunity, which made her sad; however, she didn't want to make her mother unhappy.

Later on in that same therapy session, when her therapist was debriefing her, Alice explained that her parents immigrated from Eastern Europe just before Alice was born.  They had very little money when they came and they relied heavily on other family members, who were already in New York, to help them until Alice's father was able to get a job.  They often recalled their impoverished circumstances and the importance of family by saying, "Don't forget--always put family first."

Recalling that memory also prompted other memories where her mother disapproved of other opportunities that were presented to Alice.  Each time it was as if her mother believed that these opportunities would create a wedge between Alice and her.  

Even the thought of Alice going to college was fraught for her mother--until Alice's guidance counselor convinced her mother that Alice would have better job opportunities if she went to college.  This was something her mother understood because it involved work and survival, so she relented, but she wouldn't allow Alice to go away, so she had to go to a local college.

Recalling those memories caused Alice a lot of sadness and anger.  Even though she loved her family and she had been especially close to her mother, she wished she had been able to defy her mother to take advantage of these opportunities.  But, she explained, as a teenager, she didn't dare.  She was too afraid of standing up to her mother, and she believed it would break her mother's heart.

"But why is this affecting me now?" Alice asked her therapist, "I'm 45 years old, and both of my parents are long gone" (see my article:  Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

As they continued to work together using Experiential Therapy, Alice realized that, even though her mother was no longer alive, her internal experience of her mother still had a powerful influence on her.  She realized that her mother didn't understand and she feared that if Alice took advantage of these opportunities, Alice would begin to move away from her family emotionally or physically.

Gradually, Alice also realized that, unconsciously, she was still trying to appease and reassure her mother that she was still loyal to her family.  Even though her parents had been dead for a number of years, this unconscious wish was still very much a part of her.

After Alice had this realization, she knew it was not only important to her career that she write for the journal--it was also important for her emotional development to stop operating under these longstanding unconscious thoughts. 

So, with some mixed feelings, she submitted her first article to the journal.  She also continued to work in therapy to grieve for what for the opportunities she missed in the past and to overcome some lingering guilt she felt about doing something she knew her mother would have felt threatened by if she were still alive.

Experiential Therapy Helps You to Overcome Emotional Blocks

Her therapist helped Alice to work through the earlier trauma using EMDR therapy, so Alice was able to let go of the remaining emotional blocks and work on her new project without guilt or hesitation.

Conclusion

The unconscious mind has a powerful role in your decision-making.  So when you encounter an obstacle in making a decision or moving forward with a plan, your unconscious mind is likely involved.

Sometimes there's an old unconscious emotional block, like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable," which is out of your awareness, which keeps you from making the changes you want (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Experiential therapy can help you to make the unconscious conscious, as illustrated in the vignette above, so you're free to live fully in the present without trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling with a problem despite your best efforts to solve it, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can overcome the obstacles holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: What is Power Play?

Power play refers to the BDSM practice of dominant/submissive roles (see my articles: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships and What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

What is Power Play?

What is Power Play?

When you engage in power play with a partner, you both agree beforehand specifically to what you want and don't want.  Some couples write up a power and submission agreement where they negotiate what they want so everything is clear and consensual (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

They also agree beforehand to a safe word, which is a code word that the submissive uses as a way to indicate that they want everything to stop.  If the agreed upon safe word is "red," it's understood that if the submissive says any other word, like, "Stop" or "No more," the dominant won't stop unless the submissive says "red." 

After an agreement has been reached about what they will do and what is off limits, the submissive submits to the dominant partner within the limits of what each of you have given consent to do.  This could include spanking, being tied up or whatever they have agreed to before they take on their roles.  You can be as creative and imaginative as you like as long as you're both in agreement.

Most couples only take on these roles during the power play scene they create, but there are also couples who continue in their roles throughout the relationship unless one of them wants to de-role for a particular reason or a period of time. It all depends on what you and your partner feel comfortable with in your relationship.

How to Keep Power Play Safe and Fun

• Communicate With Your Partner: If this is the first time you're talking to your partner about wanting to engage in power play, you'll probably need to have more than one talk for both of you to be comfortable with it.  If your partner is hesitant, don't pressure them (see the next step below about taking a step back).  Along with communicating, it's very important that you're with someone you know well and trust.

• Take a Step Back, If Necessary, and Talk About Your BDSM Fantasies: If your partner is reluctant, instead of pressuring them, you might want to talk about your sexual fantasies about BDSM without actually doing anything physical and see how your partner responds. For many couples, just talking about the fantasy of power play is enough to get them sexually aroused (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

• Ensure Both of You Are Comfortable and Consent to All the Activities in the Role Play: As previously mentioned, some couples make a written agreement to be specific about what is being agreed to and what is not.  Basically, these role play activities can be anything you want within the bounds of your agreement. Consent should be given without reservations. A half hearted consent where one person is going along with it to please the other partner should be considered a "no."  You can also renegotiate your agreement at any time (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

• Make Sure You're Both Safe: SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual, and it means everyone involved is safe and has the mental capacity to consent to these activities. RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, emphasizes individual responsibility for one's own safety. Both terms are used in the kink community to ensure that both people are safe throughout the entire power play. 

• Check In With Each Other: Even if you have both enthusiastically consented to all the power play activities and you're set to go with whatever sex toys, vibrators, restraints and whatever else you both want to use, check in with yourself and your partner to make sure neither of you are having second thoughts.  What might have seemed like fun while you were both talking about it might not be as much fun for one or both of you in reality.  Be prepared to either scale back what you planned to do or to stop altogether.

• Make It Fun: The roles of dominant/submissive can be intense. So, take safety and consent seriously, but also have fun with it.  Power play is meant to be pleasurable.

• Practice After Care: After care means taking care of each other after you engage in power play. It means that after you and your partner come back from your role play, you're both back to reality.  Many couples find it helpful to practice grounding techniques to make sure you're fully in the present moment, calm and feeling safe.  It's a time for coming back to your everyday roles.  If you're not sure what your partner needs, ask them--it might be a hug or it might mean holding them or talking.  Similarly, ask your partner for what you need.  Also, remember that there can be spikes in endorphins and adrenaline during power play, which can cause a "drop" as you crash from a natural high. This drop might include (but is not limited to): 
• irritability
• guilt
• sadness
• shame
• problems concentrating 
• aches or pains

• Communicate After Power Play and After Care Activities: Once you're both back to the present moment, choose a time that's good for both of you and talk about what worked and what might not have worked in your role play. This will help you to create a fun and safe time if you both decide to do role playing again.

Getting Help in Therapy

Power play can be fun and sexy, but it can also bring up unexpected feelings for some people.

A sex-positive licensed mental health professional, who is knowledgeable about power play and other kink activities, can help you to overcome difficulties that might arise either before or after role play, so don't hesitate to seek help if either of you have unanticipated emotions afterwards.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

What Does Sex Positive Mean?

These days it's generally more acceptable to talk about sex than it used to be. The taboos around sex have been decreasing over time (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Being Sex Positive

As compared to the past, there is a greater awareness that consensual sex between adults is pleasurable and it has many possible health benefits, including: 

• Increased libido
• Better sleep
• Decreased anxiety
• Improved self esteem
• Better heart health
• Lower blood pressure
• Increased emotional intimacy with your partner
• Stress reduction

What Does Sex Positive Mean?

Sex positivity recognizes that sex between consenting adults isn't anything to feel ashamed or guilty about (see my article: Relationships: What is Rec-Relational Sex?).

People who are sex positive have a healthy attitude about sex and they feel comfortable with their bodies and sexual identity. They also respect others' bodies and sexual identity.  In addition, people who are sex positive also consider sexual activities as healthy and pleasurable. 

Sex Positive Attitudes and Behaviors 

The following list include sex positive attitudes and behaviors:

• Developing the necessary communication skills to talk to your partner about sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Being open to discussing your sexual fantasies as well as your likes and dislikes with your partner (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Your Sexual Fantasies)

• Listening to your partner tell you about their sexual preferences

• Being respectful of your partner not necessarily liking what you like

• Making sure you practice safe sex, use reliable birth control (if needed), and getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases when needed

• Advocating for comprehensive sex education 

• Being nonjudgmental and respectful of the diversity of sexuality and gender expression

• Valuing consent, communication, and education that allows individuals to make informed choices about their bodies and their pleasure 

What is Sex Negativity?

Sex negativity approaches sex from fear and shame.  It attempts to induce guilt and shame. Although there is less sex negativity than in the past, there is still a significant amount of negativity about sexual attitudes and behavior, which is ingrained in certain segments of our society, including:

• Telling girls and women that they "provoked" a sexual attack based on the clothes they wear (victim blaming)

• Shaming women for engaging in sex, often referred to as "slut shaming"

• Acting violently against heterosexual women and girls, lesbians, bisexuals, sex workers, trans women

• Making derogatory sexual remarks to women or girls

• Dividing women into "good girls" and "bad girls" (also known as the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex)

• Condoning an attitude of "boys will be boys" when boys or men attack women verbally or physically 

• Getting offended if your partner doesn't want to engage in a particular sexual activity that you want

• Pressuring or bullying your partner to participate in sexual activities that they don't want

• Shaming your partner about sexual fantasies involving consenting adults

• Being unwilling to discuss sex with your partner out of shame or guilt

• Being unwilling to practice safe sex or use birth control if requested by your partner

• Advocating against sex education

• Being judgmental and disrespectful to diversity of sexuality and gender expression

• Devaluing sex as being dirty, shameful, disgusting, unnatural, risky and so on

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with attitude or behaviors that are sex negative, seek help from a knowledgeable sex positive mental health professional.

Freeing yourself from sex negativity can help you and your partner to have a more intimate and enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

I'm continuing a discussion in this article that I started in my prior article about relationships based on Dr. Stephen A. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?.

Integrating Love and Sexual Desire in a Relationship

Togetherness in a Relationship vs. the Need for Autonomy

While it's true that sexual passion often wanes somewhat over time in a long term relationship, people who experience a split in their feelings between love and desire are often in conflict about their need for emotional closeness vs. individual autonomy in the same relationship.  

Psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm addressed this paradox in his book, The Art of Loving, which was published in 1956 as follows: Love longs for closeness and sexual desire thrives on distance.

Similarly, relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, Ph.D. wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity, published in 2017, "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other." 

Esther Perel addresses this paradox in relationships as follows: Emotional intimacy builds trust and security in the relationship, but as intimacy grows, sexual desire often wanes for many couples.

According to Dr. Perel, who cites Stephen Mitchell's work as well as her vast experience with couples, the couple's need for togetherness coexists with their need for autonomy.  If there is too much distance, the couple sacrifices connection. But if there's too much togetherness, this gets in the way of each person having their own autonomy. 

There is also no way to achieve connection between individuals in a relationship if they are too close--to the point of fusion--because there is no one with whom to connect. Therefore, in order for there to be a connection, there needs to be some psychological distance within the closeness of the relationship. This allows each person to be autonomous at the same time they are close and connected in a relationship together.

Although love thrives on closeness, according to Dr. Perel, sexual desire thrives on mystery and novelty.  In addition, she posits that love is about "having" and desire is about "wanting" (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in Your Relationship, Fire Needs Air).

This means that each individual in the relationship needs to develop themselves as individuals rather than focusing on eliminating any distance to quell feelings of insecurity or fear of being alone (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is based on a composite of many cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the dilemma of negotiating closeness and psychological distance in a relationship:

Nan and Bill

When Nan and Bill, who were in their mid-30s, started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist, they had been together for two years (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples also known as EFT?).

Their presenting problem was that they were talking about moving in together, but they were in conflict about how much time to spend together, which was getting in the way of Nan moving in with Bill.

Nan explained to their couples therapist that when they started seeing each other, they were both excited to spend several days during the week together.  Everything was new and exciting for the first few months, Nan explained.  But by the time they were together for eight months, Bill was complaining that he didn't get to spend any time with his buddies or engage in his hobbies.  He wanted to cut back on some of the time they spent together, which hurt Nan's feelings (see my article: Compromising on Time Together vs Time Apart in Your Relationship).

In addition, Bill revealed in couples therapy that these issues affected their sex life. Specifically, he felt he and Nan spent so much time together that he didn't feel as sexually aroused with her, which he felt badly about, but he wanted to bring this up in their session.  

Although it was hurtful for Nan to hear Bill say this, she acknowledged that she realized how all their time together was impacting their sex life.  She said she wanted to improve their sex life, but she was fearful of spending less time together because it made her feel insecure about the relationship.

Nan told their couples therapist that she liked spending as much time as possible with Bill, and she couldn't understand why he felt the need to spend time with his friends because she didn't feel the need to spend time with her friends.

Bill acknowledged that he felt excited about their relationship during the first several months when they were getting to know each other.  But, he explained, he was feeling stifled by Nan because he wanted to spend time with his buddies and also work on his hobbies.  He emphasized that he loved Nan and he hoped they could build a life together, but he needed time to himself, which Nan didn't seem to need.

Although she felt embarrassed to say this in their couples therapy session, Nan admitted that when Bill mentioned he wanted to spend time with his friends, her first thought was that this would be less time spent with her.  She said she didn't want to be selfish, but she wanted Bill to understand how she felt.

Over time, Nan revealed that she was in a similar situation as the middle child in her family where she felt her older and younger sisters got most of her parents' attention.  She realized that her experience in her family was impacting how she felt in her relationship, so Nan entered into her own individual therapy to work on these earlier issues (see my article: When a Traumatic Past Affects You in the Present).

As Nan learned how to separate the past from the present and she no longer felt triggered by Bill spending time with friends or engaging in his hobbies, she felt more comfortable with Bill having more autonomy.  She also recognized that she was neglecting her friendships, so she spent more time with friends.  

Both of them agreed that when they had other experiences and interests away from each other, they each brought something new to the relationship, which rekindled their sex life.  Soon after that, they moved in together and they remained committed to their relationship as well as to developing as individuals.

Conclusion

Balancing closeness and autonomy in a committed relationship can be challenging.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, couples can learn to negotiate this balance.

Achieving the right balance of being together and being autonomous requires a recognition of the paradox outlined in this article. It also involves practice to see what works best for your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Balancing the need for emotional closeness with the need for autonomy for each individual can be especially challenging when the individuals in the relationship don't agree about the amount of closeness and autonomy needed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to negotiate the balance that's right for your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today

In his book, Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time, psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell posits that the Madonna-Whore Complex is still alive and well for many heterosexual men more than 200 years after Sigmund Freud identified this complex. Specifically, men who experience women in terms of the Madonna-Whore Complex either see a woman as being lovable or erotic, but not both.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud initially identified this complex in a 1912 paper he wrote whose title is translated as "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life." 

According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."

According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows:  Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.  

So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.

In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.  

Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.

If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring.  Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.

Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love

Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.

Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.

In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love.  Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.

The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex

Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.

Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby.  Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.

The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women).  These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women.  Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."

The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.  

After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.

Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.

The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships

The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.  

Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.

So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.

The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).

Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure 

Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.

A Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and Adventure

For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband.  This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.  

This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship.  To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.

With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.

It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women.  Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.

It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How You and Your Partner Can Get on the Same Page About Your Relationship

This is the third article in a series about the topic of getting on the same page with your partner (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page? and Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).  

How to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

If you want your relationship to succeed, you and your partner need to get on the same wavelength, if possible.  I say "if possible" because sometimes each individual's needs are so different that they can't get on the same page.  

In that case, it's better to acknowledge this and end the relationship. But assuming that each person's needs aren't so divergent, there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.

5 Steps to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

Although these steps are presented as 5 steps, each of these steps can be challenging:

• Eliminate Unhealthy Patterns of Communicating: Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman coined a phrase called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which describes four unhealthy patterns that often lead to the demise of relationships. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Improve Communication: Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse).

• Develop Healthy Patterns of Communicating: Develop active listening skills (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening Skills for a detailed explanation of what active listening is and how to do it.)

• Set Short Term and Long Term Relationship Goals: Relationship goals are important. A short term goal might be how you'll solve a relatively simple problem in your relationship. Long term goals could include having children, buying a home, and so on. Talking about your relationship goals will probably involve some compromise, as long as you don't compromise things you know are essential to your well-being. Your short term goals will probably also include interim steps to take towards your long term goals (see my articles: 7 Tips For Creating Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship and 10 Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship).

• Develop Trust and Respect For Each Other: Trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Just like a building won't stand without a good foundation, a relationship won't last without the healthy foundation of trust and respect.  In some relationships where there has been infidelity or some other form of betrayal, if the couple decides they want to stay together, they need to build back trust. This can take a long time, and there are times when, despite each person's best efforts, too much damage has been done and trust can't be rebuilt. But assuming the partner who created the mistrust does the work to actually change, a couple can rebuild trust and respect (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

• Learn to Compromise But Not Self Sacrifice: As previously mentioned, compromise is an essential part of any relationship--as long as you know what you need for your well-being and you're not sacrificing things that are essential to you (see my article: Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing?)

Seek Help in Therapy

Although I summarized these five steps in one article, as previously mentioned, taking these steps aren't easy.

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you and your partner encounter obstacles that you can't overcome on your own.  

When you encounter obstacles, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with relationship problems.  

In couples therapy, you'll both learn valuable skills so you can have a healthy and happy relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.