You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 2

In my prior blog article, You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 1, I gave a composite vignette of a family struggling with an adult child who moved back home and who has a substance abuse problem.

As often happens, the parents in this family disagree about how to handle their son's problem.  The mother wants their son to get help, but the father thinks the son is just going through a phase.  The problem drives a wedge between them. And their son, who moved back home, uses their conflict to his advantage by going to his father whenever he feels the mother is being too hard on him.

This vignette is a common problem in families and can create increasing conflict and havoc in the household.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem

Of course, every situation is different, so one blog article can't address every issue.

Above all, if your family is having a similar problem and you and your spouse just can't come to an agreement about how to handle it, you should seek out a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in dealing with substance abuse problems.

Here's what I would recommend to Dan and Marie Smith (from the vignette in the prior blog post):

You Can't Ignore Your Child's Problem Drinking Anymore:
The best strategy would have been to discuss what to do before Matt moved back home.  It would have given both of you a chance to get your feelings out in the open with each other and, hopefully, come to a compromise, if possible.  Then, you both could have presented your conditions for allowing Matt to move back home together with one voice.

But since Matt was allowed to move back home without any conditions or guidelines, at this point, now that it has become obvious that he has a drinking problem, you can't ignore it anymore or pretend that it's just a phase.

Based on the fact that 1) Matt lost his job (at least in part due to his excessive absenteeism, which could be telltale sign of excessive drinking) and that 2) you found lots of empty beer bottles hidden in his closet, you can't ignore the problem anymore.

As His Parents, You Need to Provide a United Front to Matt When You Talk to Him About His Drinking
Until now, Matt has been allowed to manipulate the situation at home because the two of you can't agree on what to do and you're arguing about it.

Naturally, Matt has been turning to his father, Dan, who is siding with him.  To this, I would say, "Dan, you're in denial about your son's problems and, even though I know you love Matt and want the best for him, what you're actually doing is enabling him to drink by minimizing the problem and giving him money which he's using to buy alcohol."

To Marie, I would say, "You picked up pretty quickly that there was something else going on that Matt wasn't telling you.  It's understandable, given your childhood history with a father who was an active alcoholic at the time, that you would be upset to discover that Matt is drinking excessively.  But it's important to remember, in order to preserve your well-being, that although it feels similar to what you experienced as a child, you're an adult now and you have a greater capacity to cope and a lot more options than when you were a child.  At some point, after this crisis, it would be helpful for you to work through that earlier trauma in therapy because might be getting triggered in this situation."

But, for now, it's important that you listen to each other and come up with a compromise that you can both live with and then present it to Matt as a united front.

It's important not to be judgmental or harsh when you talk to Matt.  He has a problem and he needs help.  Be empathetic but also clear and firm about your expectations.

It's also important for you to be supportive of one another throughout this process.

Setting Boundaries and Rules For Your Household
Your son is an adult who is living in your household and you have the right to set rules if he wants to continue to live there.  He doesn't have to like your rules, but he needs to follow them.  Decide beforehand what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow your rules.

Doing an Intervention and Alcoholics Anonymous
If talking to Matt isn't enough, the family could benefit from doing an intervention.  In this particular case, there are a couple of routes you could go.

One possibility is that you could hire a professional to do an intervention with the family, although this tends to be costly and, in most cases, your insurance won't pay for it.

Another possibility, in this particular case, involves Marie's father, who is in recovery and has been sober for many years.  He could talk to Matt about his experience of being a person who actively abused alcohol in the past, how he got sober, and what he's doing to maintain his sobriety.

Marie's Father, Who is in Recovery and Sober For Many Years, Could Speak With Matt

He could also take Matt to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (click on link for a list of meetings in your area).

Going to Al-Anon
Alcoholism is a family disease because it affects the whole family--not just the person who is drinking.  Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for families (click on link for meeting list).  These 12 Step meetings are free and, although no one will give you advice on what you can do for your particular problem, you'll hear many people, who were once in your shoes, speak about what has worked for them. Al-Anon will help you take care of yourself.

Going to Couples Counseling With a Licensed Mental Health Professional Who Has Expertise Helping Families With Substance Abuse Problems
If you're stuck because either you can't come up with a compromise that you can each live with or you come up against another obstacle along the way that you're unable to surmount as a couple, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise helping families with substance abuse problems.

When you're dealing with a child who has substance abuse problems, especially if s/he is living at home, you can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.

Sometimes, the most challenging and painful outcome is that your adult child refuses to get help.  Since your child is an adult, you can can't force him to do what you want, and nagging or pleading will often make matters worse.

See my article:  When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help.

If the problem persists, it can jeopardize your relationship.  Before that happens, do what many families before you have done--get help from a licensed therapist to work through this problem.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I am also a certified Substance Abuse Professional.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 1

One of the most difficult problems that parents can face is having an adult child who has a substance abuse problem.  It's challenging enough trying to figure out what to do, but when each parent has strong opposing feelings about it, this can divide the couple as well as the family. Then, add to this that your adult child doesn't have to abide by either of your wishes because he or she is over 18, and you can have a serious problem on your hands.

Disagreements About Your Adult Child's Substance Misuse

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this problem:

The Smith Family:
Dan and Marie were shocked to find out that their 22 year old son, Matt, lost his job.  He told them  it was all "office politics" and he felt confident he would find another job.  But, in the meantime, he couldn't afford to keep his apartment, so he needed to move back home.  

Marie told Dan that she thought they should set down some rules with Matt before he moved back in. She wasn't sure why, but she suspected that there was more to the story about Matt getting fired than just "office politics."  But Dan brushed off her suspicions, and told her they should "leave the boy alone," let him move back home, and give him a chance to get back on his feet again.

Marie had serious reservations about this, but she decided to go along with Dan to see how things went after Matt moved back in.  So, when they saw Matt, they told him that they were there to be supportive in any way that he needed.  Matt responded by telling them that, besides "office politics," his boss overacted to Matt taking off a few days from work.

Once again, Marie's antenna went up, but Dan told her to stay calm and give Matt some space so, reluctantly, Marie bided her time.

During the first few days after Matt moved back home, he spent all day and almost all night watching TV in his old room.  He only came out to get food to bring it back to his room or to go to the store.

This didn't sit well with Marie, who was home all day. So, after three days of this, she told Dan that she thought they should talk to Matt.  But, once again, Dan brushed off her concerns and told her that she was worrying needlessly. He was sure that after a week or so, Matt would settle down and start looking for work.

After the third week of Matt keeping odd hours and not making an effort to look for work, Marie was fuming.  She felt that Dan tended to spoil their only child.

She knew that Dan was now giving Matt money, and she felt this added to the problem because there was less of an incentive for Matt to look for work.  When she confronted Dan about it, he told her she was overreacting.  He didn't see anything wrong with giving Matt money.  He was sure that Matt would start looking for work soon.

Marie told Dan that, even though she wasn't sure why she felt this way, she still had a bad feeling about  Matt losing his job.  She felt sure that Matt didn't tell them the whole story.  Dan told Marie that she was worrying needlessly.

Marie's suspicions were confirmed when she took the opportunity to go into Matt's room, when Matt was out, and found a large pile of empty beer bottles hidden in closet.  When Matt got back and he found his mother looking in his closet, he became furious.  He yelled at her for violating his privacy.  Then, he stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

Marie sat down and cried.  She grew up in a household with an alcoholic father, and she remembered how miserable she felt, before her father got sober, when her father came home drunk and her parents argued.

When Dan got home from work, Marie told him what happened and showed him the pile of beer bottles in Matt's closet.  Even though Dan was shocked by the pile of empty beer bottles , he sided with their son and told Marie that she shouldn't have looked in Matt's closet.

Marie was furious and told Dan that she didn't want Matt in the house if he didn't get help for his drinking problem.  She didn't want to live with an active alcoholic again.  Dan responded by telling her that he wouldn't throw his son out of the house no matter what happened.  He felt that Matt would find his way and this was probably a temporary reaction to the job loss.

By the time Matt came home, Marie and Dan were having a loud argument.  He told his parents that he didn't really have a drinking problem.  He said he was just having a few beers to "relax" before he started looking for another job.  But nothing changed, and Matt learned to go to his father whenever he felt his mother was being too hard on him.

This drove a wedge between Marie and Dan, who were barely speaking after the first month of Matt being home.

Getting Help in Therapy
The composite vignette above is a common experience for many families who could benefit from getting help.

In my next blog article, I'll offer some tips on what families in this type of situation can do to get help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Integrate Change Into Your Relationship

In my prior blog article, You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy But, Unfortunately, Your Loved One Mights Find the Change Challenging, I discussed how even loved ones who encouraged you to make changes by going to therapy, can find it challenging once you actually start the progress that one family member makes can feel de-stabilizing to the family system.

Integrating Change in Your Relationship

Just to recap:  
In the particular example that I gave in my prior article where Bob, who had problems with alcohol, finally stops drinking, attends A.A. and begins therapy, his wife, Alice, becomes angry and defensive when Bob wants to participate more in the family decision-making process.

Bob regretted allowing Alice to take on the complete burden of financial planning and making other major decisions while he was drinking.  Now that he was sober, mentally clearer, and making positive changes in his therapy, he felt he wanted to be an equal partner in his relationship with Alice.

Alice felt that she made the major decisions in their marriage for the 25 years that Bob was drinking and incapable of taking on these responsibilities.  And, while she was happy that he had finally gotten sober, especially after she had pleaded with him for so long to get sober, she was uncomfortable with sharing these responsibilities with Bob.  She experienced Bob's request as criticism about how she handled things, and this made her feel angry.

Bob, who thought he was offering to be a better husband and take a load off Alice's shoulders, felt confused and annoyed.  He knew this would be a big change for both of them, but it made him feel angry that Alice had such a negative reaction, and it also made him think about drinking.

Tips on How to Implement Change in Your Relationship
Here's what I would recommend to Bob:

Getting Used to Change Takes Time:  Be Patient
If it took you a while to overcome your resistance to change (in this case, 25 years), you can imagine that it will also take your spouse time to get accustomed to changes in you and sharing power with you for decision making.

You might be ready now to transform the dynamics in your relationship quickly to try to make up for lost time, but the changes that you want to make will involve change for your spouse as well.  If she's been accustomed to handling major decisions in your relationship, she will need time to get comfortable with sharing these responsibilities with you.  And you need time to get accustomed to these changes as well.

Rebuilding Trust is a Process
You might want to make up for lost time in your relationship, but you can't go faster than your spouse wants to go.  She will need to see that you will be responsible, keep your promises, and that you're capable of being an equal partner.  It takes time to regain trust.

Rebuilding Trust Often Works Better Starting With Small Changes
In this case, it's better to build on small successes and work your way up to larger issues than to go for big changes immediately.   This will give your spouse time to see that you're ready to handle the changes you want to make.  It will also give you time to develop your skills and to feel competent as you and your spouse get used to this change.

Making Changes Can Bring Disappointments:  Progress Isn't Always Linear
Progress is often two steps forward and one step backward.  If you realize this in advance, you won't become easily discouraged when there are setbacks for you, your spouse or both of you.  You need to have a long term perspective.

Trying to Do It On Your Own Might Be Daunting:  Getting Help
People who are trying to change, either as individuals, couples or both often find it daunting to do on their own.

It can be helpful to enlist the assistance of a licensed mental health professional who has helped people to make changes and overcome certain obstacles that are bound to appear in the process.

Couples often benefit from having an objective mental health professional who has experience helping couples to negotiate the pitfalls of making changes in their relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couple.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

People who are happy about making progress in their therapy are often surprised to discover that their loved ones aren't ready for the change.  Sometimes, even loved ones, who begged them to make these same changes, are uncomfortable with the changes once they've occurred.

You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

Why Are Loved Ones Uncomfortable With the Changes You're Making?  
At first glance, this might not make sense.  But as we take a moment to consider the dynamics involved with change and how it affects the family system, we can begin to see that even change that we and our loved ones have wanted for a long time can be stressful and family members might resist.

Change in a family system, even change that everyone would agree is for the best, can upset the so-called "apple cart" in unexpected ways.

Let's take a look at an example, which is a composite of many different cases, that illustrates how even positive change in a relationship can create resistance in a family:

Bob
Several months before Bob started therapy, his wife, Alice, organized an intervention with their adult children and Bob's siblings to confront him about his excessive drinking.  Prior to this, Alice had tried everything she could think of to try to get Bob to stop drinking--all to no avail.

When Bob walked into the house and saw everyone, he knew immediately why his family was assembled and he nearly walked out in anger.  But Tom, Bob's older brother, who was someone that everyone in the family looked up to, including Bob, gently took his arm and brought him into the room.

Although Bob was angry at first, but as his wife and family spoke to him about how worried they were about him and how his drinking affected them, he was moved to tears.  He already knew everything that they were telling him, but hearing it from everyone at the same time was both powerful and humbling.

From that day forward, Bob made a commitment to himself and to his family that he would stop drinking.  He began attending A.A. regularly.  He got a sponsor.  And, when he was sober for six months of sobriety, he began attending therapy--something he thought he would never do.

As Bob began to work on unresolved emotional issues in therapy, he started feeling a little more confident in himself.  And as he became a little more confident, he realized that, throughout the years, his wife had assumed most of the responsibility for their lives and he had been absent from that process for all of that time.  Now that he was sober and making changes in himself, he wanted to be more involved.

For instance, during almost their entire marriage, Alice raised their children.  She made all the financial decisions.  She paid the bills.  She decided how they would invest their money and which charities they would contribute to.  She also made decisions about which contractors they would use to renovate the house...and so on.

But when Bob told Alice that he wanted to be more involved with these decisions, she told him that she had "everything under control" and he didn't need to worry about it.

This confused Bob.  He thought he was offering to take some of the burden off Alice's shoulders, but her response gave Bob the impression that she actually didn't want him involved.

So, Bob asked Alice if they could talk about this because he recognized that this would be a big change for both of them.  Alice readily agreed to talk.

At the start of their discussion, she told him that she was so happy that he stopped drinking and he was getting help to stay sober.  But she had been making the financial decisions, and she didn't see any need to change this now.

Bob could see that Alice was starting to get upset when she asked him, "Don't you trust me any more to make financial decisions that are best for both of us?  Haven't I done a good job all these years while you were getting drunk?  Why should we change now?"

Bob tried to assure Alice that he thought she was great at how she managed all these years--this wasn't a criticism of her.  He tried to explain that since he got sober, his mind was clearer, he was opening up more in his therapy, and he realized that he had been absent for many of the major decisions.  He regretted that he was so out of it that she was left on her own to shoulder these responsibilities.  And now that he was sober and he was working on making changes in himself, he also wanted to make changes within their relationship and feel like an equal partner.

Their discussion devolved into an argument with Alice accusing him of trying to take control away from her, and Bob trying to explain that he wanted to share in these decisions--not take them away from Alice.

During Bob's next therapy session, he talked to his therapist about the argument, which upset him and made him think about drinking.  He felt that even though Alice told him that she was happy that he was making positive changes in himself, it seemed that, on some level, she wasn't completely happy about it, and this hurt and angered Bob.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Psychotherapy can help to free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?

When you've been in a relationship for a while, it's easy to slip into unhealthy habits that are damaging to your relationship without even realizing it.  So, it's a good idea to take stock of your relationship every so often to look at whether you're pulling together or pulling apart.

Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart in Your Relationship?

Develop Positive Habits Early in Your Relationship

• Set aside time to talk about your hopes, plans, and dreams.  This means "unplugging" and setting aside all distractions so you're focused on one another.
• Talk about things that are bother you in a tactful, non-accusatory way, rather than allowing resentments to fester.
• Don't criticize:  You can say what you don't like without blaming your partner.
• Choose your battles.  Don't nitpick.
• Take responsibility for your part in whatever problems you have.
• Make amends, if possible, as soon as possible.
• Be considerate of one another.
• Remember to express your gratitude to your partner.
• Remember that your partner is with you voluntarily--s/he doesn't have to stay.

See my articles:
Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging to Spend Quality Time Together
Relationships: Creating Special Times Together

Relationships: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude

How Do Relationships Change From Being Supportive to Unsupportive?
People who are in long term relationships often discover that, just like anything else, their relationships change.

Change occurs for a variety of reasons, and the underlying issues are different for each relationship.

The best case is scenario is that two people in a relationship grow and change together in a way that is mutually supportive.  But this isn't always the case.

It's usually easier to take care of problem, whatever the problem might be, in the earlier stages.

Unhealthy Habits in Long Term Relationships
Over time, it's easy to get into unhealthy habits in long term relationships that, eventually, erode the quality of your relationship.  Then, it's a matter of repairing the emotional damage that has been done.

One of the main complaints I hear from clients who come to see me for couples counseling in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC is that one or both people feel their partner is being overly critical.

Being overly critical is one of the most damaging things you can do in your relationship.  By being overly critical, you might not realize it, but you're expressing your contempt for your partner and your partner feels it.

See my articles:
Relationships: Learning How to Stop Criticizing Your Spouse
Relationships: Overcoming Push-Pull Power Struggles

Getting Help in Therapy
It's important to realize that even the best relationships can go through a rough patch.

Many couples can work out their issues on their own, especially if they address their problems together early on.

Many other couples find that they benefit from working with a couples therapist who has expertise in helping the couple to navigate through their problems.

When choosing a couples therapist, it's important to choose a licensed mental health professional and not a coach.

Why is this?  Because there are often deep-seated emotional issues for one or both people that might be getting triggered in the relationships and a coach isn't qualified to deal with these type of issues.

See my article:
Relationships: Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Problems in Your Adult Relationships

It's also important to choose a therapist that both people feel comfortable with and with whom both people feel a rapport.

See my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Taking the First Step to Overcome the Problems in Your Relationship
Taking the first step is often the hardest, but once you've both acknowledged that there are problems, getting help can make a meaningful difference to overcoming your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Your Partner Can't Meet All of Your Needs

As a psychotherapist in New York City who sees both individual clients and couples, one of the biggest complaints I hear from therapy clients involves the unrealistic expectation that a spouse should meet all of their needs.

Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs

When you choose a romantic partner or a spouse, you want that person to have similar values on core issues that are most important to you, including whether or not to have children, your views on money, sexual compatibility, monogamy, trustworthiness and, for many couples, religious or spiritual views.  In addition, when you have some similar recreational interests or hobbies, it makes the relationship more fun and interesting.

You also want a spouse who is empathetic and emotionally supportive--someone who is a friend as well as a lover.

But expecting that your spouse will meet all of your needs isn't realistic, and it places a strain on your relationship that can cause long term problems.

This is why it's so important to develop and maintain friendships outside of your relationship that help you to fill fulfilled in the areas of your life where some of your needs aren't being met in your relationship.

Let's take a look a the following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Sue and Bill:
Sue and Bill met in college on the West Coast.  At the time, they had many friends in common and they enjoyed going out on dates together as well as seeing their friends.

After they graduated from college, Sue and Bill got married and moved to NYC, where they didn't know anyone, to begin their careers.  Most of their friends remained on the West Coast.

Several months after they were settled into their jobs and their new apartment, Sue decided she wanted to resume her yoga practice.  When she was in college, she would go to yoga with her friends, Ellen and Betty.  Afterwards, they would go to brunch feeling blissful from their yoga class.

After Sue and Bill moved to NYC, she missed this shared experience and tried to persuade Bill to go with her.  But Bill had no interest in yoga.  He liked going to the gym for a vigorous workout.

Whenever Sue would try to convince him to come with her by telling him about all the health and emotional benefits of going to yoga, Bill felt that Sue was nagging him.  Sue felt that Bill was being obstinate and he didn't understand how much this meant to her.

So, one day, Bill relented and he went to one of Sue's yoga classes.  Sue was thrilled and she told him that he wouldn't regret it.  When they arrived, Bill was relieved to see that there were several other men in the class.

But once the class got started, Bill felt self conscious.  Everyone else was able to go through the poses smoothly and he was at least one or two paces behind.  The teacher helped him to get into the various yoga poses, but this only made Bill feel more self conscious, and he couldn't understand why anyone would enjoy this.

After class, Sue was glowing.  As they strolled to a nearby cafe, she talked about the next yoga class that they could attend together.  But Bill shook his head and told her, "I tried it because I know it means a lot to you, but it's not for me."

Sue tried to convince Bill that if he went to a few more classes and stuck with it, he would soon learn the poses and feel more relaxed.  But Bill was having none of it, and he told her that he wasn't going to attend any more yoga classes.

Sue felt hurt and annoyed.  She felt that Bill's refusal put a damper on the rest of the weekend for her.  She couldn't understand why Bill was behaving this way.  From her point of view, they could have this wonderful shared experience, but Bill was refusing it and, in the process, he was letting her down.

Within the next few months, Sue and Bill began arguing about other activities that Sue wanted to engage in that Bill wasn't interested in.   They had plenty of other activities that they had always enjoyed together, but Sue missed having companionship in these other activities where she used to have college friends who went with her.   She felt that if Bill loved her, he would go along with her.

Their bickering about these issues turned into full blown arguments.  Soon, they were spending days at a time without speaking with Bill sulking and Sue in tears.

Finally, Bill recommended that they attend couples counseling to work out these issues.  Sue agreed.

Over time, Bill and Sue learned in couples counseling how to communicate more effectively with each other.  They were able to talk about their expectations of each other and saw that they were compatible in all of the most important areas in their life together.  They also saw that they were different in terms of some of their likes and dislikes, and this was okay.

Gradually, Sue realized that her expectation that Bill would like everything that she liked and he would participate in activities that he didn't like just to please her was unrealistic.  She realized that she needed to make new friends and also learn how to enjoy certain activities on her own.

Both Bill and Sue realized that they were undergoing big adjustments to being newly married, living in a new city and starting new careers, so they needed to be patient with one another.

What Are Your Expectations in Your Relationship?
As I mentioned before, there are certain expectations in a relationship that are basic to most relationships.

Before you make a commitment to be together, it's important for each person to understand what each person considers to be core expectations and values.  What's most important is that you're both compatible in the ways that are most important to each of you.

It's important to have friends that share interests or hobbies with you that you and your spouse might not share--rather than trying to strong arm your spouse into engaging in activities that s/he has no interest in.

When you have close friendships with people who share your interests, you enrich the quality of your life and, in doing so, you also enrich your relationship.

Getting Help
If you and your spouse are unable to work out your differences on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed therapist who works with couples and who can help you to develop the skills you need to work out your differences and enhance your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Feeling Lost?

Feeling lost on an emotional level is a common experience for many adults.  Many people go through periods in their lives when they feel lost and alone, and it can be almost as frightening as the experience of being lost as a child.  This is especially true if these adults experienced feelings of being alone, lonely or abandoned as children.

Are You Feeling Lost?

Whether the experience of feeling lost is the result of the death of a loved one, the loss of a friend, a betrayal, a job loss, or some other emotionally challenging experience, you can feel like you've fallen into an abyss.

Supportive Family and Friends Might Not Know How to Help You
If you're fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends, you might not feel as alone.  Emotional support can help you to weather this time.  But, if you're going through an especially bad time, your family and friends might not know how to help you to overcome your feeling of being lost.

Are You Feeling Lost Emotionally?

Some people, unintentionally, make it worse by telling you to "get over it" or to "buck up."  Although they might be well meaning, this can make you feel worse because you're unable to just "get over it," even though you would very much like to do it.

Feeling Lost: Friends and Family Might Be Well-Intentioned, But They Might Not Be Helpful

If you've gone through similar experiences in the past and you overcame those experiences, it might help you in dealing with your current feelings.  You might even be able to look back on those earlier experiences and realize that, although they were very challenging, you learned important lessons in life.

The Challenging of Feeling Lost 

But, depending upon what you're going through now, knowing that you'll eventually learn important lessons can be cold comfort when you're feeling lost.

Getting Professional Help in Therapy
At that point, rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping therapy clients through lost periods in their lives.   

Getting help from a licensed therapist can make the difference between prolonged emotional suffering and making an emotional transition.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email email me.

Who Are You Carrying Around Inside Your Head?

I'm currently reading The Man Within My Head by Pico Iyer.  He writes about his explorations of the life and works of the English writer, Graham Greene.  Iyer talks about feeling like he's carrying Greene in his head and how this affects him.  The Man Within My Head is a poignant look at Iyer's self exploration as he ponders whether the man he feels he carries in his head is Greene or if it is actually his own father.

Who Are You Carrying Around in Your Head?

The Experience of Carrying Someone in Your Head:  Dreams, Coincidence, Synchronicities
As I've been reading this book, it brought to mind how often all of us, at various times, carry around certain people in our heads--whether it's a cherished departed relative, friend, mentor, teacher, former therapist, author or other people who have affected us on a deep level.

My own experience has been that when I am immersed in a memoir or biography of someone that I especially admire, I often have vivid dreams about that person.

I also have the sense, as Pico Iyer describes, of carrying this person around in my head.  Then, aside from my dreams, I have wonderful experiences where I'll happen upon this person's name or some other significant factor about them in my daily activities.

Coincidence or synchronicity?  Who knows.  But it adds to the intensity of the immersion experience.

Seeing Through the Eyes of the Person in Your Head
It's not unusual for people to want to see through the eyes of someone who is important to them or who has affected them deeply.  I've heard therapy clients as well as people in my personal life also describe similar experiences.

Sometimes, therapy clients who have been seeing me for a while tell me that when they're in a particularly challenging situation, they try to think of what I might say to them.  This is a common experience for clients in therapy.  It helps them in that moment and gives them a sense of objectivity.  It also helps them to feel they're not alone with in whatever dilemma they're going through.

In the meantime, I recommend The Man Within My Head by Pico Iyer, who writes about his own experience in an eloquent and moving way.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief In Waiting After the Death of a Parent

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many adult clients who have unresolved grief from childhood.  Many of these therapy clients were young children when they lost one or both parents.

Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent

The death of a loved one is difficult no matter how old you are.  But this kind of loss often has a way of going emotionally underground, so to speak, especially if the child doesn't have nurturing adults to help him or her to grieve.

Let's take a look at the scenario below, which illustrates how grief in waiting can develop.  As always, this is a composite with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom
Tom grew up as an only child.  His parents separated when Tom was seven after years of arguing and chaos in the household.

Tom's parents didn't tell him that his father was moving out. But when he saw his father packing up his things one day, Tom got upset.  His father told him that he was only going away for a few days and he would be back soon.  But days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months with no sign of his father.

Tom worried silently to himself.  He also felt very lonely.  At night, he would pray that, wherever his father was, he would come home.  Then, he would cry himself to sleep.

When Tom gathered his courage to ask his mother about his father, his mother brushed him off and told him to go out and play.

Tom could see that he had annoyed his mother, and he was fearful that if annoyed her any more, she might leave him too.  So, he kept his feelings and questions to himself.  As many children do, he blamed himself for his father leaving.

He thought he must have said or done something to make his father leave.  He would go over his last memories of his father, trying to think of what he might have done to anger his father.  But he couldn't come up with anything.

There were times when his aunt was over and Tom overheard his mother's conversation with her sister about his father.  Tom would sit at the top of the stairs and be as quiet as he could be so he could hear their conversation without their realizing that he was listening.

From the bits and pieces that he heard, Tom found out that his father moved out of state and he was living with another woman.  He also heard his mother say how much she hated his father and how he was "no good."

One day, Tom heard that his father and the other woman had a child.  Tom thought, sadly, now that his father had another child, his father probably forgot all about him.

This made Tom feel sad.  Having no one to talk to about his feelings, he kept them to himself.

When Tom was nine, his mother called him into the living room to talk to him.  His aunt was there too. Tom could tell as soon as he entered into the room that something was wrong.  Both his mother and aunt looked tense.

As Tom sat down on the edge of the couch across from his mother and aunt waiting anxiously, his mother told him in a matter of fact tone that his father had died the night before.  She said she received a call that morning, and she thought that Tom would want to know.  She told him that she felt he was too young to attend his father's funeral.  Then, she told Tom to go to his room.

Even at his young age, Tom knew from the stern look on his mother's face that she didn't want to talk about it further so he walked slowly back to his room and threw himself on his bed.  He took out a picture he had of his father that he hid in his top drawer and stared at it for a long time.  Then, feeling exhausted, he fell asleep and dreamt about his father.

From that day on, Tom lived his life on two levels.  One level was his everyday reality as life went on just as before his father died.  On another level, there was a part of him that believed that his father might still be alive somewhere.

Tom thought that, somehow, whoever called his mother to tell her that his father died must have made a mistake.  They were probably confusing his father with someone else.

Over the next several years, Tom continued to have dreams that his father was alive.  There were dreams where his father even told him that he was alive and well and would come to see him soon.  Whenever Tom woke up from one of these dreams, which seemed so real, he was even more convinced that his father was still alive.

By the time Tom was in his early 30s, he no longer had these dreams about his father.  He had matured and he had a better understanding, as compared to when he was a child, of the finality of death.  He tried to push any thoughts about his father out of his mind because they were too painful.

What he didn't realize is that, even though he tried not to think about his father, there was still a split in his consciousness about his father.

When he did have thoughts about his father on his father's birthday or the anniversary of his death, Tom would have the strange feeling that his father was never real--even though he knew this wasn't true.  His feelings and memories of his father took on a dreamlike, unreal quality.  These feelings frightened Tom because they were so strange, and he didn't understand them.

When he felt this way, Tom felt like he wanted to cry, but he couldn't.  He felt the weight of his grief in his chest, but no tears came, even when he tried to cry.  This made Tom feel deeply ashamed because after he heard that his father died, when he was a child, he never cried.  He thought to himself:  What kind of son am I that I never even shed a tear about my father's death?

Tom still didn't have anyone to talk to about his feelings because he tended to isolate.  He had a few friends from college, but he never confided in them.  He felt he didn't want to be a burden to them.  He dated a few women, but he stopped seeing each of them as soon as things seemed like they were starting to get serious.  The thought of being in a relationship frightened him.

Even though Tom continued to be very lonely as an adult, he was too fearful to allow people to get too close to him.

It wasn't until his mother died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack that Tom came to therapy.  Even though his mother was cold and distant, Tom loved her and called her every few days.  When he got the call from the hospital, he rushed over, but his mother was already dead.

Tom felt the weight of his sadness for his mother's death, but he couldn't cry.  At first, he thought that he was in shock.  But as the weeks passed and he was unable to cry, he realized that he needed help.

As Tom and I began to work together and talk about the loss of each of his parents, it was clear that Tom's grief was frozen in a state of waiting.  He had been so traumatized by the loss and subsequent death of his father, without anyone to help him.

For the first time in his life, Tom spoke about his fear, sadness and shock.  He would feel the emotions welling up in him, but he still couldn't cry.

Talking about his feelings was helpful, but it wasn't enough to help Tom to feel safe enough to experience his feelings of grief.

I provided Tom with information about early childhood trauma, and how many children experience the split in their consciousness that he experienced.  This dissociation is one of the signs of trauma.

Then, we used the mind-body therapy called Somatic Experiencing, a gentle approach that helps to heal trauma.

Over time, Tom brought in pictures of each of his parents and objects that belonged to each parent that had special meaning to him, and we talked about his memories.

At first, Tom was afraid that if he allowed himself to feel the full extent of his grief that it would be like falling into a bottomless pit.  So, we had to work together to help Tom to feel safe.

Having lost my father suddenly at a young age and experiencing grief in waiting myself, I had a sense of what Tom was going through.  Through my own therapy as an adult, I was able to integrate my the experience  so that I could finally mourn and heal from this major loss.

Gradually, Tom began to feel safe enough to allow himself to be vulnerable and to cry.

Tom mourned his father and, at the same time, he also internalized a greater sense of his father through his memories of his father.

With this internalization process, Tom began to feel more integrated emotionally.  He felt that a great burden had been lifted from him.  He sought out relatives and friends who knew his father to find out more about his father and to understand why his father left.

He talked to his aunt, whose feelings towards Tom's father had mellowed over the years.  From her, Tom learned that, even though Tom's parents didn't get along, his father was a good provider.  He also learned that his father tried to see him many times, but Tom's mother prevented it.  Tom's aunt was able to provide Tom with a fuller picture of his father.

At that point, Tom had to deal not only with the loss of each of his parents, but also his anger towards his father for not standing up to his mother and his mother preventing his father from having a relationship with him.   But he was still relieved to have a fuller picture of what happened.

The trauma work was slow, but Tom was motivated and came to his sessions regularly.  As we continued to work together and Tom grieved, he felt less emotionally vulnerable and he could think about the possibility of allowing himself to have a serious relationship.

Grief in Waiting Isn't an Unusual Experience
Many people, without even realizing it, are experiencing grief in waiting.  They can spend many years, even a lifetime in this state.

Many people say they experience a sense of unreality about their loss, especially if they had no one to help them through the loss.

Somatic Experiencing, Trauma and Grief
As I mentioned before, Somatic Experiencing is a form of trauma therapy which is gentle and effective.  This mind-body approach to therapy isn't just an intellectual process, as so many forms of psychotherapy are.

Somatic Experiencing therapists, who are licensed psychotherapists, can help clients to develop the necessary emotional resources to work on the trauma.  Using Somatic Experiencing, SE therapists also help clients to reconnect with the lost parts of themselves using the mind-body connection.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the composite scenario about Tom resonates with you, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who uses Somatic Experiencing to help clients overcome trauma.

Rather than spending a lifetime emotionally frozen in trauma, you could work through your grief so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to the Core of Your Problems With Experiential Therapy

Often, when people come to therapy, they have only a general sense that something is wrong. 

It's up to the therapist to help clients to get clarity about what the problem is so clients can heal.  When clients come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I help them to get to the core of their problems.

Getting to the Core of Your Problems With Experiential Therapy

The Process of Getting to the Core of Your Problems Using the With the Mind-Body Connection
Getting from a general sense of unease to the core of your problems in Experiential Therapy is a process (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

It's not unusual that when clients to come to therapy for several problems that are occurring at the same time, the core issue is often the same.

Clinical Vignette
The following scenario, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how Experiential Therapy works:

Pete
When Pete began therapy, he was feeling lonely, socially isolated and unfilled in his career.

Pete had a general sense that he was unhappy but, other than that, he was at complete loss.

Over time, as we continued to explore Pete's feelings, we focused on his emotions and where he was sensing his loneliness and dissatisfaction in his body (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

It took Pete a while before he could learn to sense his emotions in his body.  But, with his therapist's help, when he did, he sensed his feelings in his chest.  And, as soon as he was able to pinpoint where he felt his emotions, the words that came to him were, "I'm not good enough."

This took Pete by surprise, but he said it fit how he was feeling.  He said these words completely encapsulated the feeling he had about himself throughout his life.

We used the words, "I'm not good enough" to go back to the earliest time when he felt this way about himself.

As we continued to explore this, we went back to earlier and earlier memories, and it became clear that this feeling was longstanding and it was related to severe criticism from his father that Pete endured from an early age.

We knew, of course, that we couldn't change the past.  But we could work in therapy to help Pete to heal from these trauma experiences.

Over time, although it wasn't quick or easy, Pete was able to work through his feelings of worthlessness which were at the core of his social isolation, loneliness, and career dissatisfaction.

Gradually, as he began to feel better about himself, he went out more, made friends, and began dating.  He also found a job that he liked a lot more.

The Process of Getting to Core Problem Begins With the Mind-Body Connection
All of this began by getting to the core of the problem using the mind-body connection rather than an intellectual process of just talking about it.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you've been struggling with a general sense that something is wrong, but you've been unable to get to the core of your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has a mind-body orientation to therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with the Empty Nest Syndrome

Many parents are facing what is typically called the Empty Nest syndrome during this time of year when the last of their children go away to college. With some forethought and planning, the sadness that is usually associated with the empty nest syndrome can be avoided or, at least, minimized.

Coping With the Empty Nest Syndrome

What is the Empty Nest Syndrome?
Typically, the empty nest syndrome occurs when the last of the parents' children leave the household, whether it is to attend college or to go out and live on their own.

This transition can be especially difficult if parents have been almost exclusively focused on their children to the detriment of their relationship with each other.

Suddenly, after 18 or 20 years of focusing on their children, they are faced with questions and, possibly, doubts about what to do with their lives and how to interact with one another now that it's only the two of them in the household.

Not everyone goes through the empty nest syndrome. For many people who have maintained good relationships with their spouses, their own friends, and outside interests, when their children leave, they see it as a time when they can have more freedom and independence.

They might decide to spend more time traveling or engaging in other activities that they couldn't do when they had to take care of their children.

Coping with the Empty Nest Syndrome:
Planning ahead can be very helpful so that you don't suddenly feel like you're adrift.

If you know that your youngest child will be moving out in the next year or so, speak to your spouse about how this change will affect your lives.

It might be a good time to rekindle your relationship with a romantic getaway, or maybe you'd like to make changes to your home now that your last child has moved out.

It might also be a time to mourn that your former familiar routines with your children, whether it involved taking them to soccer practice or dance classes as you take time to reinvent your life with your spouse.

Honest communication with your spouse is the key to navigating through this unfamiliar and challenging time.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Working in Therapy to Reclaim a Lost Part of Yourself

Throughout the course of a lifetime, many people disavow important parts of themselves, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.  Often, these parts are disavowed because they're connected to painful traumatic emotional problems that remain unresolved.   Then, at some point later on in life, many people realize that they feel something is missing in their lives and what's missing is the part of themselves that has become buried and lost.  At that point, people often want to try to reclaim that lost part of themselves.

Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself

Let's look at a fictionalized scenario, which is based on many different therapy cases with all identifying  information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim
When Jim was a young child, more than anything, he loved music.  By the time he was 11, he taught himself to play a guitar.

By the time he was 15, he and his friends formed a rock and roll band. And he was using the money he earned at his part time job to pay for formal guitar lessons because his parents couldn't afford to pay for his lessons.

He loved jamming with his band mates.  They had a strong rapport, especially when they were jamming.  They played at street parties and local events, and they had a great time.

More than anything, Jim wanted to make a career as a musician.  But his parents had other ideas. Since both of them grew up in poor families, they wanted Jim to go to college and choose a more practical career path.

Although she worried that Jim would struggle as a musician, Jim's mother was a little more understanding.  She never tried to discourage him from playing.  But Jim's father was quietly disapproving of his son's passion for music and the band.  He spoke to his wife about his concerns, but never told Jim.  He hoped Jim would outgrow his love of music and become "more practical."

When Jim was 17, he and his band mates were invited to play at a well-known club in the area.  Playing at this club had been Jim's dream since he was a child.  The club owner had heard them playing at Jim's high school, liked what he heard and approached Jim with an invitation to play on the following Saturday night.  Jim and his band mates were thrilled, and they practiced all week.

They invited their families and friends to hear them play and they all showed up, including Jim's parents.

Just before the show, Jim and the other boys were nervous and excited.  They had never played in this type of venue, and they knew that if they played well, the exposure could be great.

As they began playing and singing, Jim could feel that they were really "on."  The people in the audience were really into the music.  As he saw them on their feet dancing and clapping, Jim's nervousness dissipated as he lost himself in the music.

By the end of their set, the audience burst into thunderous applause, demanding an encore.  The club owner jumped onto the stage smiling broadly and clapping.  He encouraged them to play three more songs to the audience's enthusiastic applause.

By the end of the night, the club owner told Jim and his friends that he wanted them to play for the next three months at the club.  He wanted to talk to their parents about signing a contract.

Jim and his band mates were wildly happy.  This is what they had been dreaming about since they got together.

But when Jim looked over to where his parents were sitting, he knew something was wrong.  He could see his father sitting with his arms folded looking angry and disapproving.  His mother was smiling, but she looked worried.

At the end of the evening, when he went to his parents' table, Jim's father told him that he felt Jim and his friends had made fools of themselves on the stage.  Jim was crest fallen.  He never more humiliated than he had felt at that moment.  His father wouldn't even hear about the club owner's offer.  Jim was devastated.

As they drove home in stony silence, Jim tried to hold back bitter tears.  In that moment, he felt like he hated his father.  He was more determined than ever to pursue his music and to "show him" that he would make it in the music industry.

When they got home, Jim ran upstairs to his room, slammed the door, and threw himself on his bed.  Then, the tears came.  He couldn't believe that his father ruined one of the happiest days of his life.

Afterwards, his mother came to his room and tried to console him.  She told him that she knew how disappointed he felt.  She tried to tell Jim that, even though his father was harsh, his father was also worried about Jim pursuing music as a career.  She said that the father's harsh words were his awkward way of trying to prevent Jim from making what he thought would be a big mistake.  She thought the club owner's offer frightened Jim's father because he saw it as the beginning of Jim going down the wrong path.

Jim knew that, even though his mother was more sympathetic and understood how much his music meant to him, she also shared his father's worries.  It hurt him that his parents didn't have more confidence in him and they would try to keep from achieving his dream.

His mother said she would try to talk to his father to try to smooth things over.  But Jim knew that his father, who tended to be stubborn, wouldn't soften.  Jim knew that his father had made up his mind, and that was that.

The next day, Jim heard from each of his band mates.  All of them were excited about the night before, and told him that his parents were willing to sign the club owner's contract.  Jim told them about his father's reaction.  But he said he was determined to persevere--even if it meant that he forged his parents' signature on the contract.

Later that day, as Jim was leaving the house for band practice, Jim and his father got into a big argument.  The argument escalated to the point where Jim's father told him, "I have a good mind to forbid you from going to practice!" At that point, Jim's anger and frustration overtook him and he shouted, "I hate you!" as he ran out of the house.

By the time he got to band practice, Jim calmed down and he told himself he would apologize to his father when he got home and try to reason with him.  Deep down, Jim knew that his father's reaction came from fear.

But later on as Jim walked home, he saw the flashing lights of an ambulance in front of his house.  He ran down the block as fast as he could.  He got to the house to see his mother sobbing and his father being taken out in a stretcher and placed in the ambulance.

Between sobs, his mother told Jim that his father had a heart attack and the EMTs were unable to revive him.  His father was dead.  Jim was convinced that he had killed his father.

Twenty years later, Jim came to therapy because he felt like something was missing in his life, but he wasn't sure what it was.  He was happily married, and they had two beautiful children.  He liked his job as a high school counselor.  He just couldn't pinpoint why he was feeling so lost.

As Jim talked about his family history, he told me that, after his father died, he put down his guitar and never picked it up again.  His band mates pleaded with him not to give up his passion.  But all Jim could think about was his last words to his father, telling his father that he hated him.  And why?  Because his father was trying to protect him from, possibly, making a big mistake?  He felt so ashamed and selfish.  He believed he killed his father.

Jim felt deeply ashamed and filled with sadness, guilt and remorse.  Without Jim, the band broke up, and Jim and his friends drifted apart.

As an adult, Jim didn't even listened to music anymore.  Recalling his passion for music and his days with his band mates was inextricably and painfully intertwined with the fact that he and his father never reconciled before his father died.

 Over time, using Somatic Experiencing, a mind-body therapy, we worked towards separating out his former passion for music from his grief and shame related to his father's death.  In Somatic Experiencing, this is called "uncoupling."

As he mourned his father's death and dealt with his guilt and shame, it took a while because Jim felt he "didn't deserve" to feel better.

After Jim could experience some degree of pleasure in his memories about his music, he realized that what was missing in his life--his music.  As he remembered that his father had high blood pressure and he wasn't following the diet that the doctor prescribed for him, Jim realized that he wasn't to blame for his father's death and he no longer felt he had to punish himself.

Gradually, Jim started to recapture that lost part of himself--the passion he felt for his music.  Although he had no illusions that he would become famous, after many years, he picked up his guitar, which was hidden away in the basement.

Jim described the combination of emotional pain and joy that he felt as he began strumming awkwardly on his guitar.  But he also said he felt an emotion that was hard to describe--as if he was more integrated and whole.

After a while, Jim found a few men his age who shared his passion for music and they jammed together for fun.  As they played together, Jim felt a joy similar to how he once felt.

Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself:  Talking in Therapy Often Isn't Enough
Unfortunately, Jim's experience of disavowing an important part of himself is common.  But, unlike Jim, many people live the rest of their lives without recapturing that part.

Many people never realize what's missing and live out the rest of their lives with the sad feeling that they're not complete.

Often, just talking about it in therapy isn't enough because it remains an intellectual experience.  More often than not, a mind-body approach, like Somatic Experiencing, allows therapy clients to experience what they're unable to experience by just talking.

Getting Help in Therapy
If Jim's experience resonates with you, without even realizing it, you have also disavowed an important part of yourself that remains lost to you at this point.

But you're not alone.  Many therapy clients have been able to reclaiming lost parts of themselves through mind-body oriented therapy approaches, like Somatic Experiencing.  And you can too.

When you're looking for a Somatic Experiencing therapist, always choose a licensed psychotherapist who has mental health training.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many therapy clients to reclaim lost parts of themselves so they can lead more fulfilling and meaningful lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Crossing the Line From Being Compassionate to Enabling

Compassion for oneself and for others is an admirable quality that many of us strive to cultivate in ourselves.  Learning to be compassionate can help us to experience peace of mind within ourselves and with others.  Unfortunately, there are times when you might think you're being compassionate, but you're actually enabling other people's destructive behavior and creating a self destructive situation for yourself. 

It's not always so easy to distinguish compassion from enabling, especially when the situation involves people that you love.

Let's take a look at the following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Ann
When Ann was in her early 30s, her father died unexpectedly from a heart attack.  It was a terrible shock to Ann, her mother, and Ann's siblings.

Crossing the Line From Being Compassionate to Enabling

A couple of months after Ann's father's death, Ann's mother, Laura, asked Ann to have brunch with her to talk about Laura's finances.

It turned out that, even though Ann's father had left the mother well provided for, she was no longer able to live in the manner that she was accustomed to, and she asked Ann if she could help her for a few months until she could sell the house, move into a smaller house, and pare down her expenses.

Ann earned a very good living, and she felt a lot of compassion for her mother, so she agreed immediately to help her--with the understanding that Laura would pare down her extravagant spending and sell the large family home.

Even though Ann earned a very salary, after a while, contributing to her mother's expenses created a financial hardship for her.  So, a few months later, Ann asked Laura if she had any potential buyers for the house.

At first, Laura gave Ann a strange look, as if she didn't know what Ann was talking about.  Then, as if coming to herself, she brushed off Ann's question by changing the subject.

Ann knew that her mother had a strong emotional attachment to the family home, so she didn't press her, especially since she also knew that her mother was grieving.  She allowed a few more months  to go by before she asked about the sale of the home again.  But, by that point, Laura seemed annoyed and she told Ann that she had no intention of selling the family home.  It was as if she and Ann had never had their talk over brunch.

Ann wasn't sure what to do.  On the one hand, she knew that her mother was accustomed to being maintained in a certain way, and Ann felt sad for her mother.  But, on the other hand, she also knew that she couldn't afford to keep giving her money, and she felt very guilty about this.  When she spoke to her siblings, they wanted nothing to do with their mother's finances, and they refused to help.  So, Ann felt the burden completely on her shoulders.

At that point, Ann was having many sleepless nights and she came to therapy to deal with this thorny problem.  She told me that she had always considered herself to be a compassionate person, and she cared about her mother very much.  She felt this problem was such an emotional dilemma for her that she didn't know what to do.

As we explored this issue, Ann began to see how self destructive it was for her to keep supporting her mother, especially since it meant that Ann was making certain financial sacrifices to do it and her mother wasn't willing to curb her spending or change her lifestyle at all.

Over time, Ann realized that her mother was caught in a vicious cycle of overspending, and she was in denial about the changes she needed to make.  These were changes that would still allow her to take a few vacations a year and have most of what she wanted.  But she would have to pare down her extravagant living and sell her expensive home.

Ann also realized that she had crossed the line from being compassionate to enabling, and she wasn't helping her mother.

Gradually, Ann summoned the courage to have a serious talk with her mother and to set boundaries with her.  She gave her a reasonable amount of time to sell the house and to make other changes in her spending habits.  Initially, Laura was angry and hurt.  This made Ann feel guilty at first, but she knew in her gut that the current situation was untenable, and she was doing the right thing for both of them.  Eventually, Laura accepted the situation and began making changes.

For a while, Laura was cool towards Ann.  But, over time, they reconciled their relationship.  During that time, Ann also allowed herself to see that her mother had a long history of being self centered, which Ann's siblings were able to see before Ann could admit this to herself.

Crossing the Line From Being Compassionate to Enabling is a Common Experience
The fictionalized vignette above, where compassion turned into enabling is a common experience.  Very often, the person, who starts out feeling love and compassion, has his or her heart in the right place, but their judgment becomes skewed.

In the vignette above, the original agreement for Ann to help her mother was reasonable, but Laura didn't abide by her end of the agreement.  At that point, when Ann continued to go along with her mother, Ann crossed the line to enabling.  This is so easy to do, especially when there's a loss or a crisis.

The important thing to remember is that enabling a loved one in destructive behavior is not good for either one of you.  So, even though you might feel like you're helping him or her, your enabling is doing more harm than good, even if your loved one can't see it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If  this vignette above resonates with you and you find yourself stuck in a similar situation, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed therapist who can help you to untangle all the emotional threads that make you feel stuck.  

A therapist, who has expertise in helping therapy clients with this type of issue, can often be more objective and see certain enabling dynamics that you're unable to see and help you to work through them.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to distinguish between being compassionate and enabling so they could make positive changes in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.