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Thursday, May 19, 2022

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

In my last article, What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?, which is based on the book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Source of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, I gave an overview and a brief explanation of the four cornerstones.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism:
  • Longing and Anticipation
  • Violating Prohibitions
  • Searching For Power
  • Overcoming Ambivalence
One of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation
In the current article, I'm focusing on the first cornerstone mentioned in Dr. Morin's book, Longing and Anticipation, which includes the sexual attraction and obstacles I discussed in my article, The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.

The ability to experience longing and anticipation begins in infancy when you're yearning for your mother's soothing presence, warmth and nurturance.  Also, as a child, you might have anticipated and longed for your parents' arrival from work in the evening.  

Children also use their imagination and fantasize about imaginary friends who are always with them and who never disappoint them.  Sometimes these imaginary friends are their alter egos, as when a child says about his imaginary friend, "I didn't do it--it was Johnny!"

As an adult, when you desire someone who isn't with you, you can experience this type of longing.  This is the case with unrequited love and other instances where what is desired either cannot be obtained or there are obstacles to obtaining what you desire (see my article: Obsessing About the One Who Got Away).

In a long distance relationship where you can only see your partner infrequently, you are also likely to experience longing because you miss your partner and anticipate the next time you see them.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

Longing and anticipation also comes up when you're pursuing someone and hoping that person will go out with you.  As I mentioned in my article, Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase, the real thrill in chasing someone isn't about "catching" them--it's about the pleasure you experience from the anticipation of "catching" them.

Even when you're in a relationship with someone who lives nearby, on the days when you're not together, you long to see them or hear from them, especially during the early stages of a relationship.  You might daydream about that person, anticipate their call or text and imagine the things the two of you will do when you're together.

In these and other similar situations where you're unable to be with a person you desire--whether it's temporarily or indefinitely--you feel a heightened state of sexual excitement.  All of this pent up emotion and sexual energy peaks when you get together with your partner.  

Paradoxically, once you and your partner are in an established long term relationship where you're living together or married, anticipation and longing tend to wane if you don't add novelty or spice things up (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Clinical Vignette:  
The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different clinical cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how longing and anticipation enhance sexual excitement:

Sandy and Bill
While they were home from college, Sandy and Bill met at a friend's holiday party, and they both felt an instant strong attraction for each other.

During their holiday break, they spent as much time together as they could before Sandy returned to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and Bill returned to UCLA in Los Angeles.  

Every night before she went to sleep, Sandy thought about Bill and how she couldn't wait to see him the following day.  She even had romantic dreams about him.  

Every night before Bill went to sleep, he thought of things he wanted to tell Sandy and what he wanted to do with her sexually.  He couldn't wait to see her.

By the end of the first week, they found a secluded area in the park near Bill's parents' house and they had passionate sex for the first time.  

The sexual passion was heightened because they both knew there was a risk of getting caught by having sex in a public place (i.e., one of the four cornerstones of eroticism: Violating a Sexual Prohibition) and also because it would be months before they saw each other again.  

When they returned to college, they both spent a lot of time obsessing about each other and texting as much as they could.  

Both of them found it difficult to focus on their college assignments because they were fantasizing about the next time they would see each other again during Spring Break.

During the months before Spring Break, Sandy sometimes felt she couldn't endure the wait to see Bill again.  She told him that she wanted to take time off from school to fly out to Los Angeles to see him.  Bill told her that he felt the same way--like he would burst if he didn't see Sandy soon. But he didn't want Sandy to miss her classes so, reluctantly, he told her not to come see him.  

While they were counting the days until they could see each other in person, they were online every night. They told each other how much they yearned to be together. They also sent each other flirty texts during the day.  

During that time, the romantic and sexual tension was building between them, so by the time they saw each other on Spring Break, they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

When they were back at their respective colleges, during the months between Spring Break and end of term, they were both missing each other a lot and the tension led to a few arguments.  

After one of those arguments, Bill went to a party, got drunk and took a woman he met at the party back to his dorm room.  

When Sandy didn't hear from Bill the next day, she was surprised.  She tried to reach him a few times, but he didn't respond.  

Finally, after receiving several panicky texts from Sandy, Bill called her and confessed that he had sex with another woman at his college.  He also told Sandy that he didn't think he could remain celibate for the rest of the term until they saw each other again.

Sandy was heartbroken.  She knew it would be difficult while they were apart and so far away from each other, but she thought Bill would be faithful to her, as he promised he would.  

During the next week, she kept calling Bill, but he didn't respond.  After that, she felt so despondent that she could barely bring herself to go to class.  

A few weeks later, Bill called Sandy to apologize for hurting her feelings.  They were both seniors and just a few months away from graduation when they would be returning to their parents' homes in New York City.  So, Bill asked to see Sandy again when they were both back in New York. In the meantime, he wanted to be free to see other women, and Sandy grudgingly agreed.

During the next few months, Sandy and Bill kept in touch by phone and online.  They both missed each other a lot.  To soothe their longing for each other, they talked about getting together when they were both at home in New York again.

During their first few weeks back home in New York, they got together every day.  The longing and anticipation had built up so much sexual tension that they were having sex every chance they could, and it was even more passionate than before.

By the end of the month, they were getting to know each other better, and they both realized they each had very different goals and long term plans.  

Sandy wanted to return to Ann Arbor for a graduate degree and Bill wanted to join his father's brokerage firm on Wall Street.  Sandy also realized that Bill was a lot more politically conservative than she realized, and Bill discovered that Sandy had liberal views that he found repugnant.

As they each realized they didn't really known each other before this. They also acknowledged that, with all the excitement they experienced while they were apart, they didn't realize that a long term relationship between them wouldn't work (see my article: The Ideal vs the Real).

They now understood that they were too caught up in their sexual attraction for each other to consider their very different values.  They also realized that their brief relationship was more about lust than about love (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

They decided to continue to see each other until Sandy left for her graduate school program in Ann Arbor.  

After that, they both eventually got into long term relationships with people who were compatible.

Conclusion
Longing and anticipation is one of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism, according to sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin.

Whether the longing and anticipation involves a long distance relationship, pursuing a partner as part of a "chase" or unrequited love, to name just a few situations, the sexual attraction plus obstacles involved serve to heighten eroticism.  

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationship problems can be difficult to solve on your own.  

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the experience and the skills to help you resolve your problems.

Taking the first step to contact a therapist can be challenging, but it can also be the first step on your way to having a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

























    What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

     In my prior article,  The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement, I discussed Dr. Jack Morin's concepts on eroticism from his book The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.  

    As part of the current discussion on eroticism and relationships in this article, I'm focusing on Dr. Morin's Four Cornerstones of Eroticism (see my articles:  What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).


    The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

    What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?
    The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are related to Dr. Morin's concepts about The Erotic Equation.  

    Here's a brief explanation of the Four Cornerstones:
    • Longing and Anticipation: When you desire someone you don't (or can't) have, you experience longing and anticipation.  This is the case with unrequited love and other instances where what is desired either cannot be obtained or there are obstacles to obtaining what you desire (see my article: Obsessing About the One Who Got Away).
    • Violating Prohibitions:  Violating sexual prohibitions include violating cultural norms and or laws that are meant to restrict and enforce sexual behavior.  The unintended consequences of these prohibitions often become sexually arousing.  For some people, the fantasy of violating these prohibitions is enough of a turn on without engaging in the behavior in real life. Some examples of sexually arousing prohibitions include:
    • Overcoming Ambivalence: Wanting and not wanting, liking and not liking, being attracted to and being repulsed by at the same time can intensify eroticism.  Most adults, who have experienced emotional pain in a relationship or in a situation where they desired someone but their feelings weren't reciprocated, as in unrequited love, know about the ambivalence of wanting love and being fearful of it at the same time.  Overcoming ambivalence becomes erotic at the point when these mixed feelings are transformed from avoidance to the pursuit of pleasure (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).
    In upcoming articles, I'll explore each of the Four Cornerstones in more detail:  See my article: One of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation.

    Getting Help in Therapy
    If you are having problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the  expertise to help you overcome your issue.

    Seek help in therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
















    Wednesday, May 18, 2022

    The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

    In his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin discusses a concept he coined the "Erotic Equation," which he defines as attraction plus obstacles equals excitement (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self: Part 1 and Part 2).

    The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

    According to Dr. Morin, for most people sexual desire and arousal are stimulated by the interaction of two forces: An attraction pulls you towards the person you desire, as well as an obstacle that makes the other person compelling, including unavailability or being inappropriate in some way.

    Dr. Morin posits that the erotic experience is shaped by this push-pull interaction and the potentially dangerous result (e.g., the possibility of getting hurt by this unavailable and/or inappropriate person).  

    He says that people are often most excited by the person they're attracted to when they feel a little off-balance and uncertain, which can bring them to the edge of ecstasy or disaster.  So, the Erotic Equation involves the interaction of impulse and restriction.  

    Why Are You Attracted to Certain People?
    After talking to hundreds of people, as part of his research, Dr. Morin says there are two main types of attraction: lusty and romantic (see my article:  What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible?).

    With regard to lusty attractions, Dr. Morin posits (and I agree) that lust is a part of erotic health.  At the core of a lusty attraction is a desire for sexual excitement and orgasmic release.  It can be profound, meaningless, playful, hostile or loving.  It can also be intensely animalistic and exhilarating as well as frightening or a combination of these qualities.

    Like lusty attractions, romantic attractions can also be compelling and fascinating.  However, whereas lusty attractions are about arousal and orgasm, romantic attractions include a need for a mutually passionate bond.  It also has a deeper goal of the emotional joining of two individuals (not just the physical).

    How Do Obstacles Affect Sexual Attractions?
    According to Dr. Morin, most people have a stronger response to the person they're attracted to if the attraction is made more difficult by the presence of obstacles that must be overcome.

    An example of this kind of obstacle is distance, including physical, emotional and geographic distance.

    During an initial encounter, two people often unknowingly play with distance with a flirtatious gaze--looking at the other person and then looking away.  The looking away is what creates momentary distance and excitement.

    Flirting is often especially intense when romantic or sexual fulfillment isn't possible.  An example Dr. Morin gives is of two people who are attracted to each other at an airport where each of them is about to board a different plane so they're unavailable to each other.

    Another example, which is one I've heard many people talk about, is when someone, who is in a committed relationship, gets much more sexual or romantic attention than they ordinarily would when they were single.  

    Part of this is that they're relaxed (compared to someone else who is single and seeking a partner).  But another major factor is their unavailability, which often boosts their erotic appeal to their admirer.

    Finding the Optimal Distance to Create Attraction and Excitement
    According to Dr. Morin, sexual arousal can be thought of as an electric spark.  If the gap between two people is too large, it's too much distance to bridge and the spark gives out.  But if the gap is too narrow, creating the spark isn't possible.  

    So, the couple needs to find the optimal distance to keep the spark alive.  This is especially true in a long term relationship (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in a Relationship Fire Needs Air).

    In Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she gives an example of a woman who tells Dr. Perel that, ordinarily, when she looked at her husband, she thought about him as the man who left his dirty socks on the floor.  But one day, when she was at a conference with him and he was standing at a distance from her, she looked at him with new eyes--she saw how handsome and charming he was while he was talking to other people.  

    Clients in my private practice in New York City have told me similar stories: A man, who was standing next to his girlfriend in a grocery store, walked to another aisle to find an item.  When he returned to the aisle where his girlfriend was standing at a distance from him, he noticed her attractiveness and sexiness, and he couldn't wait to get her home to make passionate love to her.

    In both cases, there seems to be just the right distance where the people look at their significant others differently from how they were looking at them just a few minutes ago.

    The same is often true with long distance relationships (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).  

    Distance can increase the passion between two people when they're able to see each other from time to time.  But if there's too much distance and too much time between visits, the ardor can cool off.

    Conclusion
    The Erotic Equation, which is a term coined by the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, indicates that sexual and romantic excitement is often increased by attraction and obstacles.  

    There can be many different types of obstacles, including unavailability as well as physical, emotional, and geographic distance. 

    In long term relationships, couples often need to find new ways to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive, which can involve looking at your partner with new eyes. This can be facilitated with the optimal amount of distance (see my articles: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex? and Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

    Getting Help in Therapy
    Rekindling passion in a long term relationship can be challenging.

    If you and your partner have been unable the rekindle the passion you once had, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who has experience helping couples to reignite the passion in their relationship.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I am a sex positive therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.










    Tuesday, May 17, 2022

    Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives

    In my prior article, What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?  I introduced this concept, which is when one person in a relationship has a higher sexual libido than the other.  I'm continuing with the same topic in this article by focusing on how couples therapy can help.

    Overcoming Problems With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

    Sexual Stereotypes
    A common stereotype is that men have a higher sexual libido than women.  This stereotype is often inaccurate and misleading because many women in heterosexual relationships have a higher libido than their male partner (see my article: Women With High Sexual Desire - Part 1 and Part 2).

    Sexual desire discrepancy (or high sexual libido vs lower libido) comes up in all types of relationships--whether these relationships are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  

    Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, sexual desire discrepancy can be a significant problem in any relationship, and many couples don't know how to deal with it.

    Although some couples minimize this problem, sexual desire discrepancy is often a significant stressor in a relationship, and it should be taken seriously rather than being ignored.

    Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
    Often the person in the relationship who is perceived as having a lower libido is labeled by the couple as "the problem" when the couple comes for therapy.  

    But as couples explore their problem in therapy, they often discover that the person who seemingly has a lower libido just isn't turned on by what the couple is doing sexually (see my article:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

    Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs. Responsive Sexual Desire
    It's important for couples to communicate with each other to find out what turns each of them on sexually, how they get turned on, and under what circumstances.  

    Some people experience sexual desire more spontaneously while others need more time to get turned on (see my articles: Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs Responsive Sexual DesireWhat is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

    When a couple is able to open up and speak to each other about how they experience sex in their relationship, they often discover that they each require something different to get turned on (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

    So, let's explore this with some examples (the examples given below are composite cases with all identifying information changed).

    Talk to Your Partner About Sex
    Jane and Bob were in a three year relationship.  When they talked about their sex life in couples therapy, Bob discovered that Jane got much more turned on when Bob spent more time performing oral sex (cunnilingus) rather than rushing into sexual intercourse (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

    Prior to this, Bob thought of Jane as having a low libido, but he soon discovered he was mistaken.  Also, based on their work in couples therapy, they changed how they engaged in sex, and he realized that her libido was just as strong as his (see my articles: Understanding Your Sex ScriptChanging Your Sex Script - Part 1Part 2Part 3 and Part 4).

    Once Bob did the things that got Jane turned on, she became much more orgasmic (see my article:  Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Woman- Part 1 and Part 2).  This made sex much more enjoyable for both of them (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

    As Jane and Bob became more comfortable talking about what they did and didn't like sexually and they made changes to their sex script, their sex life improved (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

    They also discovered in couples therapy that they each had particular sexual fantasies they liked to think about and possibly explore (see my articles:  Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

    What If You Feel Too Ashamed to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?
    There are many couples who feel too ashamed to talk to each other about what they enjoy sexually.  This can be due to their cultural background, family history, religious background, unresolved sexual trauma or many other issues.

    For instance, Jack and Alice, who were married for five years, both came from traditional religious families where sex was strictly forbidden before marriage and was never even spoken about.  

    Prior to getting married, they both agreed they would wait until after they were married to have sex.  They both assumed sex would automatically be enjoyable once they were married.  But neither of them had been sexual with anyone else prior to their relationship, and they both felt shy and inexperienced with each other.

    Since they wanted to have children, they focused on procreative sex where the goal was for Alice to get pregnant.  Both of them thought of procreative sex as a duty to each other and their community rather than something that either of them could enjoy.

    After Alice got pregnant, she wasn't interested in being sexual and Jack felt he would make Alice uncomfortable initiating sex until they wanted to have another child.  Although he felt like sexual enjoyment was missing from their marriage, he didn't dare bring it up because he felt ashamed of his need for sexual enjoyment.

    As time went on, Jack secretly masturbated in the shower.  But one day Alice walked in on him.  They both got embarrassed and she quickly walked out. Afterwards, they were awkward around each other for the rest of the day.  

    At night, when they were both in bed with the lights off, Jack suggested they talk.  At first, Alice was silent, but she eventually responded. She said she didn't masturbate and she wasn't sure how she felt about Jack masturbating.

    Later that week, they decided to speak with their pastor about it.  Neither of them felt comfortable talking to him but, after a period of awkward silence, Jack told the pastor about the incident where Alice caught him masturbating in the shower and how they wondered if this was "unnatural" or a sin.

    The pastor assured the couple that masturbation is common and not sinful at all.  Both Jack and Alice were relieved.  Then, Jack told the pastor that both he and Alice were inexperienced sexually before getting married, neither of them felt comfortable talking to each other about sex, and they didn't have anyone in their lives they felt comfortable talking to about it.  In response, the pastor encouraged them to seek help with a couples therapist who works with couples on sexual issues.

    With their pastor's encouragement, the couple sought help in couples therapy.  During the first few sessions, they both felt hesitant, but their couples therapist normalized their feelings and encouraged them to talk (see my article: Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems).

    Their couples therapist also provided them with psychoeducation about enjoying rec-relational sex and about sex scripts.  She also encouraged them to talk to each other about their sexual fantasies.  At first, Alice said she didn't think she had sexual fantasies, but as she learned more about fantasies, she realized she did, in fact, have them from time to time.

    Over time, Jack and Alice gradually discovered they could change their sex script to include oral sex, which would be more pleasurable for Alice.  When they returned to their next couples therapy session, Alice was happy to report that she had her first ever orgasm.

    Up until that point, they both thought Jack had a much higher sexual libido than Alice.  But, as they experimented sexually, they discovered that she just wasn't turned on by what they had been doing before they incorporated oral sex.  They also learned that many women weren't able to have an orgasm by penetrative (penis in vagina) sex alone, so including oral sex made sex much more pleasurable.

    Over time, Jack and Alice developed a much more satisfying sex life together as they became  more comfortable communicating with each other and they became more sexually adventurous.

    Conclusion
    Many couples feel shy and awkward talking to each other due to a combination of problems.  Some of them were raised to think that sex was shameful.  Others, who were inexperienced sexually, believed that sex was only for procreative purposes and they didn't feel comfortable actually enjoying sex.  

    In addition, some individuals, who have responsive desire, need more time to get turned on, so their partner, who might get turned on more easily, needs to be patient to take the time to pleasure their partner.  For instance, if one partner has been under a lot of stress and they have a hard time making the transition from their stressful day, the other partner might initiate with a pleasurable massage.

    Most couples respond well in couples therapy with a therapist who can provide them with psychoeducation about sexual pleasure, help them to overcome any guilt and shame and also assist them to change their sex script.

    Getting Help in Therapy
    Problems with sexual discrepancy are common in committed relationships.

    If you and your partner are struggling sexually, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist who helps couples to overcome sexual problems.  

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.





























    Saturday, May 14, 2022

    Relationships and Mismatched Sex Drives: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

    Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem for many couples (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).  In fact, it's one of the most common problems for couples seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship).

    Mismatched Sex Drive: Sexual Desire Discrepancy


    What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?
    There are times in relationships when individuals aren't in synch with regard to having sex. This isn't unusual.  

    But for many couples desire discrepancy is an ongoing problem in the relationship (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

    What Are Some of the Reasons Sexual Desire Discrepancy?
    There are many factors that can cause differences in sexual libido.  Here are some of the most common issues:
    And so on.

    Many couples who had a satisfying sex life at the start of their relationship develop problems over time (see my articles: What is Good Sex? and Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

    The problem is exacerbated when couples feel uncomfortable talking about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

    Since this is a big topic, I'll continue discussing it in my next article: Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship.

    Getting Help in Couples Therapy
    If you and your partner are experiencing sexual desire discrepancy, you are not alone.  

    Get help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

    With professional help, many couples are able to overcome sexual desire discrepancy.

    Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



























    Thursday, May 12, 2022

    How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?

    Emotional avoidance is the tendency to avoid or control the experiencing or expression of distressing emotions.  Although emotional avoidance might provide temporary relief, it's damaging in the long term (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance).

    Emotional Avoidance and Unresolved Trauma


    Examples of Emotional Avoidance
    Emotional avoidance can take many forms:
    • workaholism
    • Alcohol or drug abuse
    • Out of control sexual behavior
    • Compulsive gambling
    • Overspending or so-called "retail therapy"
    • Spending a lot of time watch TV as a distraction from painful emotions
    • Spending a lot of time online to avoid painful emotions
    • Engaging in infidelity
    • Other forms of distraction and other maladaptive behavior
    Emotional Avoidance as an Intra-Personal and Interpersonal Problem
    Emotional avoidance can happen both intra-personally (on your own/within yourself) when you avoid feeling your emotions or interpersonally (with others) when you avoid experiencing or expressing yourself to your significant other, friends, family and others.

    Why Do People With Unresolved Trauma Engage in Emotional Avoidance?
    People with unresolved trauma often haven't developed the capacity to tolerate distressing emotions.  They find it emotionally overwhelming, so it's understandable why they try to avoid experiencing or expressing these emotions, but there are consequences to this avoidance (see below).

    The Problem With Avoiding Distressing Emotions Related to Trauma
    Although people can avoid distressing emotions temporarily, over time these emotions can intensify and become increasingly difficult to avoid.  

    This could mean that they engage in more maladaptive behavior to avoid experiencing disturbing emotions. So, for instance, if they are drinking excessively, they might drink even more to suppress these emotions.

    Since the mind and the body are connected, people who continue to avoid emotions can develop stress-related physical symptoms, including headaches and other body aches, high blood pressure, etc--as well as other mental health problems like depression and anxiety.

    In addition, avoidant behavior prevents people with unresolved trauma from working through their trauma, so they are continually triggered emotionally.

    Developing Better Coping Mechanisms in Therapy
    One of initial strategies in trauma therapy is to help clients develop better coping mechanisms (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies Before Working on Trauma).

    A skilled trauma therapist can help clients to develop a greater capacity to tolerate uncomfortable emotions by teaching them coping strategies (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

    Depending upon the client and their trauma, this can take many forms. For instance, trauma therapist might teach them breathing exercises or meditation techniques to help alleviate their discomfort (see my articles: Square BreathingGrounding TechniquesTrauma Therapy and Grounding Techniques and Safe Place Meditation).

    For clients who are especially avoidant, they might start with a less distressing aspect of their unresolved problem.  For instance, if there is a situation that a client categorizes as a 4 (on a scale of 0-10 with the higher scores related to more disturbance), a trauma therapist might help the client to learn to cope with that situation before moving on to more distressing situations that evoke a more avoidant response, like situations the client categorizes as a 7, 8, 9 or 10.

    As the client develops the capacity to deal with the situations on the lower end of the scale, they can progress to situations higher up on the scale because they now have more of tolerance for difficult emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance).

    A skilled trauma therapist will help clients to develop the necessary internal resources before they work on reprocessing trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

    Reprocessing Unresolved Trauma
    After the client has gone through the preparation phase of trauma therapy and they have the necessary internal resources, they will reprocess the trauma with a therapy that is specifically developed for trauma reprocessing, like EMDR therapy (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

    After the trauma has been successfully reprocessed, there is no longer a need to avoid emotions because they are no longer disturbing.

    Getting Help in Therapy
    Emotional avoidance provides temporary relief from disturbing emotions, but this usually causes even bigger problems for the individual and their relationships.

    If you tend to avoid uncomfortable emotions, get help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma.

    Once you have worked through unresolved trauma, you can live a more authentic and meaningful life that is free from your traumatic history.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

    I work with individual adults and couples, and I specialize in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


















    Tuesday, May 10, 2022

    Self Help Strategies For Coping With an Anniversary of a Traumatic Event

    Anniversaries of traumatic events often bring back emotions and thoughts associated with the original event.  This can include sadness, anxiety, anger and feelings of powerlessness as well as other reactions.

    Coping With An Anniversary of a Traumatic Event

    There is no one way to heal from trauma.  Each person will heal in their own way and in their own timeframe.  

    Self Help Strategies For Coping With the Anniversary of a Traumatic Event
    The following coping strategies can be helpful:
    • Know That Experiencing Distress on the Anniversary of a Traumatic Event is Common and Normal:  You're not alone.  Many people feel distressed on these anniversaries.  Feeling distressed is a common response.  You might find yourself remembering the event in more detail than you normally do as the anniversary brings back memories.
    • Acknowledge Your Thoughts and Emotions: Rather than trying to suppress emotions and thoughts that might be uncomfortable for you, acknowledge them.  Suppressing thoughts and emotions will only intensify them, so set aside some time to allow yourself to experience what is coming up for you and know that these experiences are common.  In addition to your distress, you might also find yourself remembering pleasant memories from before the traumatic event alongside the sad ones.  This is also a common experience.
    • Find Healthy Ways to Cope With Your Distress:  Whether you talk to a trusted friend or family member or you journal about what you're experiencing, it's important to find healthy ways to cope with your distress. Creating a personal ritual can be meaningful and helpful.  It doesn't have to be an elaborate ritual.  It can be as simple as lighting a candle or using an image that is symbolic of the anniversary.  Avoid negative ways of coping like drinking or drugging that will only mask your experiences (see my article: Writing to Cope With Grief)
    • Try to Stay Balanced: It's easy to get caught up in thoughts of "what if" or "if only."  Nothing good will come from this, so try to bring yourself back to the present moment.  One way to do this is to engage your senses:
      • What you see
      • What you hear
      • What you feel (tactile sensation)
      • What you smell
      • What, if anything, you taste

    Getting Help in Therapy
    Anniversaries of traumatic events can be challenging.  

    If you find self help strategies aren't enough for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

    A skilled psychotherapist, who specializes in trauma, can help you to work through distressing feelings.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    I specialize in helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

    To find out more abut me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.