Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

As I mentioned in earlier articles, until they get psychological help, many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) and dysfunctional families have difficulty in adult relationships.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

These difficulties usually stem from growing up in a family where they lived in a chaotic household where the parents were often drunk, unpredictable, irresponsible and created chaos in the family.

Since dysfunctional family dynamics are often intergenerational, chances are good that these patterns will continue from one generation to the next until the adult child of a dysfunctional family decides to get psychological help to break this pattern.

One of the difficulties is problems completing things, which include personal project, educational pursuits, work projects and so on.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how these dynamics play out as well as how to break this pattern:

Dan

Dan grew up in a large family where his father, Joe, was a heavy drinker and his parents often argued because of Joe's alcoholism.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have  Difficulty Completing Things

As far back as he could remember, his family's social activities revolved around the local bar.  As the oldest child of seven children, he was usually the one who helped his father to walk home on a Saturday evening at closing time when his father was too drunk to walk on his own.

Since many of Dan's friends in the neighborhood had the same role in their families, Dan didn't realize, until he became an adult, that there was anything unusual about this.  He thought that this was just how life was for the average family.

Over the course of Dan's childhood, his father had many jobs as a plumber's assistant.  Most of the time, his father would begin these jobs with enthusiasm.  But soon after he began, he would complain about the boss's unfairness, perceived slights, and many other gripes that he would had.

Within a few months, he began to go in late or he just didn't show up at all.  On the days when he didn't bother to go in, he would hang out with his buddies in the bar.  Soon after that, he would lose his job and begin searching for another one where he would repeat the same pattern.

As a result, the family was often in a state of emotional and financial chaos.  Dan's mother, Liz, Dan and his brothers were usually on an emotional roller coaster, hoping the good times would last when times were good and dreading that the bad times would never end when times were bad.

As Joe's drinking problem progressed, Liz got a job as a school aide to help pay the bills.  Even though her salary was low, she managed, somehow, to always have food on the table, although it might be meager.  But she was constantly fending off the landlord, threats of eviction, and bill collectors.

When Joe could no longer work because his alcoholism created health problems, as a young adult, Dan became the primary breadwinner for the family, and his younger brothers helped out by getting part time jobs.  During that time, his mother went to nursing school and eventually got a job in a hospital as a nurse.

Volunteering for double shifts, Liz earned more money than the family had ever seen.  By then, Dan was able to enroll in college where he met and fell in love with Linda.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things

Throughout his life, Dan had difficulty completing things.  Even when he was a child, he would start assembling a model car with enthusiasm, but then he would lose interest and drop the project.

Dan was enthusiastic about starting college, but he soon found himself struggling to stay organized and keep up with the work.  Since he was very bright, he sailed through high school without much effort and without completing many of his assignments, but he discovered that college required more, which frightened him.

Whenever Dan felt frustrated and wanted to quit, Linda would encourage him to stick it out.  She helped him to try to stay calm and get organized, but he continued to struggle with an urge to quit.

At that point, Dan realized that he had a problem, but he didn't understand what was happening to him.  So, he decided to go to the college counseling center, where he was able to have three sessions with a clinical social worker, who provided Dan with psychoeducation about how adult children of alcoholics are often affected by their family dynamics.  After the three sessions, his college counselor referred Dan to me for psychotherapy.

Initially, Dan had a problem making a commitment to come to his therapy sessions.  He seemed always on the verge of leaving, saying that he understood his problems and he didn't see the need to continue.

The initial stage of our work involved helping Dan to develop better coping skills, which he was never taught as a child.  As a result, Dan had low tolerance for frustration or anything that required sustained effort.

At that point in his therapy, his motivation was mostly external:  He knew that if he quit college, his chances of getting the kind of job that he wanted would be nil.  

I helped Dan to see the difference between intellectual insight, which is what he had at that point, and actually using this insight to make the changes he said he wanted to make.  As we looked at his life, he admitted that insight alone wasn't helping him to change.

Then, we began working on Dan's early childhood trauma, including the shame that he felt about himself and his family, as well as breaking self destructive patterns related to his trauma.

Even though Dan was aware of the negative impact of his family dynamics, until then, he never thought of himself as having been traumatized.  He had problems accepting this, at first, until he began to connect, on an emotional level, his experiences in his family with his current problems.

Since talk therapy only took us so far, I introduced Dan to concepts of mind-body oriented psychotherapy, including clinical hypnosis, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing.

Over time, by using EMDR, Dan began to work through his childhood trauma (see my article:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work?).  It wasn't easy work, but the coping skills that he learned early on in therapy helped him.

Gradually, Dan noticed that he began to feel better about himself and he no longer felt ashamed.  He no longer felt responsible for his father's alcoholism and his enmeshed childhood family dynamics.

As Dan became more self aware and self confident, he was able to tolerate frustration better and he no longer felt the need to quit college.  He completed his assignments on time and enjoyed learning.

As Dan saw positive results in our work, he felt encouraged to continue to do the work.  He also began attending Al-Anon for additional emotional support, and Liz attended her own Al-Anon meetings to help her avoid codependent dynamics.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Without Alcohol
Although this article focuses on ACOA dynamics related to alcoholism, many people, who grew up in dysfunctional families where there was no substance abuse, also experience similar dynamics.

Aside from substance abuse, intergenerational patterns of trauma, regardless of their origins, can create similar dynamics.

See my other articles on this topic:
Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who are affected by childhood trauma related to dysfunctional families, never get the psychological help that they need.  The result is that they continue to perpetuate these dynamics in their own lives as well as in their children's lives.

If these issues resonate with you, even though taking the first step might seem hard, you owe it to yourself and your spouse and family to get psychological help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these issues.

With help in therapy, you and your family could be living a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who grew up in dysfunctional families to thrive.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

This article was updated on September 17, 2026. 

Adult children of dysfunctional families frequently display a subconscious repetition compulsion where they confuse pity for love, routinely entering codependent relationships driven by an intense urge to rescue their partners. Even when active substance abuse is absent, individuals raised in chaotic or emotionally neglectful households develop relational adaptations nearly identical to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).

• Healing the rescue dynamic: Adult children of dysfunctional families can heal repetition compulsions by addressing childhood abandonment wounds in therapy.

Driven by a deep-seated, unconscious fear of abandonment, these individuals naturally gravitate toward romantic partners trapped in perpetual turmoil. Subconsciously, the mind reasons that a vulnerable, struggling partner is dependent on them and therefore less likely to leave—trapping both individuals in an exhausting trauma bond (see my articles: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Recognizing that these codependent behaviors operate below conscious awareness is a critical milestone. Real, systemic change requires processing the root childhood developmental trauma so these protective relational scripts stop repeating across adulthood (see my articles: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Having Difficulty Completing Things and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

Clinical Vignette: To preserve strict clinical confidentiality, the following scenario represents a composite case study illustrating how an adult child of a dysfunctional family can safely break a cycle of compulsive rescuing through depth therapy.

The Case of Ella: Trapped in a Rescue Schema

Ella initiated psychotherapy in her early 30s, feeling deeply distressed and demoralized by a continuous pattern of catastrophic breakups. Her latest live-in boyfriend, Dan, had just abruptly moved out of her apartment following a turbulent year of escalating conflict. Ella had experienced three prior long-term relationships, and every single one had collapsed under similar circumstances.

When Ella first met Dan at a local café, he was unemployed, financially unstable, and couch-surfing. Rather than noting these issues as warning signs, Ella experienced an immediate, intense magnetic attraction. Within weeks, she invited him to move into her apartment, assuming full financial responsibility while he looked for work.

Ella aggressively brushed off concerns raised by her close friends, who noted clear behavioral red flags (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again). Dan harbored a history of volatile relationships and career instability that perfectly mirrored Ella’s previous partners. However, Ella remained highly confident that with her boundless help, networking, and emotional management, Dan would quickly get back on his feet and they would remain in love forever.

The Turning Point: When Codependency Sparks Conflict

Initially, the relationship was marked by intense passion, which Ella mistakenly interpreted as confirmation that they were "soul mates." She spent massive amounts of energy leveraging her professional network to secure job interviews for Dan. However, her colleagues reported troubling feedback, noting that Dan was defensive, highly critical of past employers, and difficult to recommend.

After six months of chronic stagnation, the relational dynamic collapsed into resentment:

• The Parent-Child Shift: As Ella pushed Dan to execute her job-seeking suggestions, Dan pulled away, stating he lost all sexual attraction to her because she was nagging him like his mother.
• The Cycle of Blame: Ella felt profoundly unappreciated for her financial and professional sacrifices, completely blind to the fact that her intense caretaking was actually an attempt to micromanage his life.
• The Abrupt Abandonment: The gridlock culminated when Dan quietly packed his belongings while Ella was at work, leaving a terse note stating he was exhausted by her attempts to "fix" him.

Unpacking the Trauma in Psychotherapy

Dealing with intense abandonment panic, Ella began weekly counseling. A foundational breakthrough occurred when I introduced her to the ACOA Laundry List—a clinical inventory of behavioral traits characteristic of adults raised in alcoholic or chaotic family systems. Ella was stunned to identify with nearly every trait on the list.

Through long-term psychotherapeutic processing, Ella achieved several critical emotional insights:

• Disentangling Pity from Intimacy: She recognized that what she felt for her partners wasn't authentic, mutual love, but a projection of pity designed to fill her own internal voids.
• Releasing the Identity of the Savior: She realized the massive emotional, physical, and financial toll she had paid by treating adult men as projects to be repaired.
• Processing the Childhood Root: By processing her early childhood trauma, she unblended from her fear of abandonment. She realized she no longer needed to find people who were broken just to guarantee they wouldn't leave.

Ultimately, Ella broke her repetition compulsion, developing a secure sense of self-worth that allowed her to feel naturally attracted to stable, emotionally mature individuals.

 

Break the Cycle of Codependent Relationships
If you find yourself repeatedly falling for partners who need to be rescued, fixed, or financially supported, you may be running an old childhood survival script Confusing pity for love is an exhausting cycle, but with depth-oriented therapy, you can safely process your history and build a stable baseline of self-worth. 

   

As an advanced relationship and trauma specialist based in Greenwich Village, NY 10011, I provide specialized IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, AEDP, and Psychodynamic Therapy to help adults build healthy, secure attachments.

 

I provide a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment (visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

 

You can reach me (917) 742-2624 or email me for in person or online therapy.

The Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

The Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization outlines a laundry list of 14 traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs).  These traits often apply to adult children of dysfunctional families.

Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

As a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, I work with individuals and couples who are challenged by these characteristics and who often don't come to therapy until they have been significantly impacted in their adults lives.

Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

These traits, which are usually deeply ingrained, are often perpetuated from one generation to the next, and difficult to overcome on your own.

Adult Children of Alcoholics and people from dysfunctional families are often surprised when they read the laundry list to discover that they identify with many of these traits.  They're also usually relieved to discover that these problems are not unique to them and that there is an identifiable cause that is known.

Some of the traits include:

• Approval seeking and loss of identity
• Confusing love and pity
• Confusing compassion and responsibility
• Fear of angry people and personal criticism
• Fear of authority figures
• Difficulty completing things

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and Fear

I've discussed other traits that are often identified as characteristics of adults from alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families in prior articles, including:

• Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Anger

• Relationships: Overcoming Codependency

• Avoiding Codependency With Your Children

• Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself

• Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency in Therapy

• Addicted to Stress

• Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans

• Overcoming Childhood Trauma That Affects You as an Adult

• How to Stop Pretending That You're Happy When You're Not

• Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

• Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Feel Comfortable in Social Situations

• Toxic Family Secrets

• Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family

• Overcoming Shame: Is Shame Keeping You From Starting Therapy?

• Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

• Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

See my other articles about dynamics of adult children of dysfunctional families:

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Confusing Love and Pity

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: Having Difficulty Completing Things

• Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing

I look forward to hearing your comments.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who come from dysfunctional families, whether there was alcoholism or not, feel that they were the only ones who experienced childhood trauma in this way in their families.

As a result, they tend to isolate or to pretend that they're doing well when they're not.

Free Yourself From the Psychological Effects of Trauma By Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than isolating and suffering with the psychological effects of trauma by yourself, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with psychological trauma so you can free yourself from the negative impact of your family history and live a fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions

Several years ago, a friend told me about her experiences in a week long meditation retreat that she participated in as a way to reconnect with her body, mind and spirit following a difficult time in her life.

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions

Although it was difficult to feel some of the feelings, by reconnecting with her inner world without distractions, her overall experience was that she rediscovered an internal source of peace, wisdom and strength that she had not experienced in many years.

Since ancient times, retreats have offered a way to get away from the responsibilities and distractions of every day life in order to heal mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Whether you go away to a retreat or you create a retreat experience for yourself through time alone in meditation, prayer or ritual, you can experience the benefits of reconnecting with your inner world (see my article:  Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat).

A World of Constant Distractions and Stress
I'm concerned that we have so many distractions, including cellphones, iPads, and video games, that many people have become disconnected from their own internal experience.

A World of Constant Distractions and Stress

Worse still, for people who became adults in this era of constant distractions, the idea of being awake without some form of distraction is foreign to them.  Not only are many of them uncomfortable with the experience of connecting to their inner world, but many of them seek to avoid it.

After a while, only relating to external stimuli can leave you feeling inauthentic, like an empty shell.

To  avoid feelings of emptiness, some people look for even stronger external stimuli to distract themselves.

The external stimuli could include alcohol abuse, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, sexual affairs, spending too much time on the computer or watching TV and other compulsive habits (see my article:  Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Taking Time For Yourself
If a retreat of week or even a few days feels like too much for you, you can start by taking just a few minutes each day to be silent without distractions.

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions

Even if you spend just a few minutes in the morning by yourself in silence, after a while, you will probably discover that it can be the most precious few minutes of your day (see my article:  Stress Management: Finding a Moment of Peace and Relaxation)

Other Ways to Reconnect With Your Inner World

• Spending time in nature
• Going for a walk
• Swimming
• Writing in a journal
• Creative writing
• Drawing
• Writing poetry
• Meditating
• Praying
• Practicing yoga
• Reading an inspiring story, a memoir or poetry
• Listening to music
• Stargazing
• Whatever feels inspiring and meaningful to you

A Transitional Time:  Taking Time to Quiet Your Mind Before Your Therapy Session
My reception area has a sign that asks people to be respectful of the people around them and the space by not talking on their cellphones.

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions:  Transitional Time

One of the reasons for this request is to help clients to be aware that they're in a transitional time before  their therapy session.  They've just come from the outside world with whatever was going on for them.  But now they have a chance to begin to quiet their minds before they come into the therapy session.

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions in Therapy

For many people, their weekly therapy session might be the only time during the week when they reconnect and reflect on themselves in a meaningful way (see my article:  The Benefits of Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
For people who have been disconnected from themselves for a while, attempts to reconnect with their inner world can feel too difficult to do by themselves.

If you feel like your attempts haven't worked for you, rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to recapture your sense of self and feel more authentic.

By getting help in therapy, you could start leading a more authentic and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Self Help Isn't Enough, Consider Seek Help in Therapy

Self help books and self help meetings can be very useful for people struggling with emotional problems, especially people who tend to isolate.  But often self help strategies aren't enough to work through certain problems.  At that point, rather than continuing to do the same thing that doesn't work, it's often useful to consider attending therapy with a licensed mental health professional.

When Self Help Isn't Enough, Consider Seeing a Psychotherapist

Self Help as an Adjunct to Psychotherapy
I often recommend self help groups, especially to clients who are in early recovery when trying to change old habits tends to be the most challenging.

But for some people, self help groups are too overwhelming because hearing about other people's losses and trauma can be too much at this stage of recovery (see my article:  Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You).

When Self Help Isn't Enough, Consider Seeing a Psychotherapist

Aside from self help meetings, there are thousands of popular self help books available for just about any problem.

I often recommend Francine Shapiro's self help book which has suggestions from EMDR therapy that clients can use on their own (see my article:  Self Help Books: Getting Past Your Past) which clients can use to supplement our work in therapy.

Advice for the General Public vs Treatment Tailored to Your Needs
The problem for many people, who rely solely on self help books, is that these books are written in a broad way for the general public.  Since the author doesn't know you, she can't address your particular issues.

Even if they address general problem that you're struggling with, there's no way for the author to know how the problem manifests for you in particular.

Discovering Your Emotional Triggers in Therapy
Also, most problems have an unconscious component to them which is unique to each person.

So, for instance, a self help book might be able to offer advice about how to calm yourself when you're feeling anxious, but it won't be able to help you to identify the particular unconscious triggers that bring on your anxious feelings.

When Self Help Isn't Enough, Consider Seeing a Psychotherapist

Over the years, as an experienced psychotherapist, I've discovered that the best way to uncover these triggers is to use mind-body oriented therapy that helps to connect to unconscious triggers and their related memories (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

By making the unconscious conscious, you can discover the underlying issues that are creating your emotional problems (see my article:  Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious) and you can work on transforming these problems (see my article:  The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The "Symptom" Contains the Solution).

When you work with a licensed mental health professional, the process is specific to your particular problems and needs as opposed to general advice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self help books and meetings can be useful, but they're often not enough for many people to overcome their problems.

If self help tools haven't helped you to overcome your problems, rather than struggling on your own, consider beginning psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Working with a licensed therapist can help to free you so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation

There are definite psychological benefits to taking a vacation.

Yet, taking a vacation is something that many people debate about, even when they have the time and money to go.  If you need convincing that going on vacation can be beneficial, here are some of the psychological benefits of going on vacation.

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation

Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation:

Vacations can provide you with an opportunity to:

• Relax:  Even people who believe that they thrive on stress need down time every so often.  Taking a vacation gives you an opportunity to relax.  Getting away from your daily routines and worries, even for just a few days, helps to get some distance, not just physically but also psychologically, because you can leave your cares behind.

• Learn New Things:  When you're at home, you're in familiar surroundings, but when you go on vacation, especially if you travel outside the country, chances are, you'll be learning new things, whether it's a few words in a new language or how to negotiate prices at a bazaar.   This can be fun and exciting.

• Discover a New Perspective:  When you go to a new place, you're exposed to new cultures, different ideas, and ways of doing things.  Traveling gives you an opportunity to try new things--whether it's new foods, new customs or a different way of looking at life.  The contrast can also give you a different perspective about your own life (see my article:  Expanding Your Horizons While Traveling).

• Help You to Realize How Resourceful You Can Be:  When you're at home going through your normal routine, there are times when you can almost do it with your eyes closed.  But when you travel, opportunities present themselves that might challenge you to be more resourceful in how you navigate change or deal with a challenging situation.  People often discover that they're a lot more resourceful than they realized (see my article:  The Joy and Challenges of Traveling).

• Precipitate Change in Your Life:  A vacation to a place where you've never been can spark an idea that you'd like to make changes in your life, whether it's a geographical change or a psychological change.

• Reconnect With Your Inner World and Your Partner/Spouse:  A vacation can give you an opportunity to reconnect with your inner emotional world in ways that staying at home often doesn't.  You have the time and space to focus on yourself.  And if you travel with your partner or spouse, you also have an opportunity to reconnect and rekindle things between you (see my article:  Learning About Yourself While Traveling).

The Psychological Benefits of Taking a Vacation:  Rekindling Your Relationship

Even just a few days away can provide you with many of these psychological benefits, so if you have the time and money to travel, treat yourself to some time away.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality

As I discussed in my prior article, The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The "Symptom" Contains the Solution, when individuals or couples seek help, the problems that they come into therapy with often have underlying unconscious beliefs and, prior to therapy, they have no awareness of how this affects their sense of reality.

How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality

Often, these unconscious beliefs were formed in early childhood and continue, without the client's awareness, through adulthood.

Let's talk a look at an example of this in the following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Ted:
Ted came to therapy because he was having problems with his wife and his boss at work.

How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality

His wife, Mary, had been trying to persuade Ted for years to go to therapy to get help with his temper, but he was adamantly against coming to therapy--until he received an unsatisfactory performance evaluation at work and he feared he might lose his job.

As Ted explained it, he couldn't understand why he was having problems in his marriage and at work.  He felt he was a good husband and a good worker.

Mary came with him for the first session because she was concerned that Ted's total lack of self awareness about his interpersonal problems would get in the way of his being able to change quickly enough to save his job.

As Mary explained it, Ted tended to become very angry and lose his temper with even the mildest, most tactful criticism.  This caused arguments at home between them, and it also created difficulties when Ted's boss tried to give him feedback at work.

She explained that Ted never lost his temper about anything else and, on the whole, he was "a calm, sweet guy."

Ted agreed that he would lose his temper whenever he felt criticized and he knew this was a problem.  He wanted to change, but he would get angry so quickly.  He described it as a "knee jerk response."

He felt highly ashamed about his "communication problem." He said he didn't want to ruin his marriage or lose his job, but he felt hopeless to change his automatic response to any criticism.

He recounted how he took an anger management course because he hoped that would help him not to react angrily, but it didn't do any good.  He continued to lose his temper whenever there was even the mere suggestion of criticism.

After getting his family history and preparing him to do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), we began to process the last incident where he lost his temper that was still emotionally vivid for him (see my articles: What is EMDR?, How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Can Lead to Emotional Breakthroughs).

Ted recalled an incident a few weeks ago where his boss told him that a customer complained that Ted took too long to get back to him about a sales problem.  He told Ted that he also felt that Ted could have done better and he needed to be especially responsive to this customer because they hoped to increase their business with him.

Ted described how he felt his face turn red and he felt a surge of rage overtake him.  Before he knew what he was saying, he was yelling at his boss and telling his boss that he was disrespecting him.

How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality

His boss reacted by walking away.  But later on, he came back, when Ted was calmer, and told him that he needed to be able to accept constructive criticism without flying off the handle.

A few days later, Ted received his performance evaluation in his in box and, much to his dismay, it said, in part, that Ted needed to learn to take constructive criticism without losing his temper.  It also said that if Ted didn't improve in this area, he might be terminated.

Fortunately, Ted was by himself when he read this so no one observed him losing his temper again.  But he knew it would be only a matter of time before it would happen again.  This was why he was willing to accept help in therapy.

When I asked Ted about the negative belief he had about himself with regard to this memory of losing his temper with his boss, Ted said, "I feel helpless."  Asked how he would like to feel, he said, "I would like to feel confident and empowered in these situations and not lose my temper."

To determine if there were any underlying earlier memories that fed into the current situation, I helped Ted to do a "float back" (also called "bridging back") to see if there were any other similar experiences.

Ted was able to recount many similar experiences in his adolescence when he would get angry and fight when anyone criticized him.

Then, he remembered something that his father said to him when he was 12, which he hadn't thought of consciously for many years:  "If you allow people to put you down, you're not a man."

Ted was surprised to have this memory come back to mind.

As we continued to process this in EMDR, Ted realized that this was the unconscious belief that had been fueling his anger whenever he felt criticized.

Even though, as an adult, he didn't consciously believe this, the unconscious belief was very powerful and he recognized that there was still a part of him that felt this was true:  If he allowed others to criticize him, this meant he wasn't a man.

At first, Ted couldn't understand how he could have two contradictory feelings at the same time.  But as we continued to process this in EMDR, he also realized that he had another unconscious belief that was underneath the first one and that was that if he didn't defend himself when he was criticized, he would be a disappointment to his father.

This other unconscious belief was even more puzzling to Ted than the first one, especially since his father had been dead for several years.

As we continued to use EMDR therapy, Ted came to realize that the second belief about disappointing his father was even more powerful because it was a way of keeping him connected to his dad, and he felt that if he let go of that belief, he would be letting go of his father.

So, in the course of our doing EMDR, Ted came to see that he never completely grieved for his dad and a younger part of himself was still trying to please him.

We all have certain aspects of ourselves that are in conflict with other parts.  So, Ted needed to learn this in therapy so he could accept these contradictory parts of himself at that point in therapy.

EMDR helps clients to integrate unconscious contradictory parts and, with time, Ted was able to accept this about himself.  He was also able to grieve for his father and accept that he no longer needed to act on what was once an unconscious belief about defending himself against criticism.

EMDR helped Ted to see his unconscious belief in the "light of day" and to understand the function that it served with regard to his relationship with his father.

When Ted recognized the underlying purpose of his unconscious belief, he no longer felt ashamed because working in this way in therapy is non-pathologizing.

How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality

Once Ted grieved for his father, he no longer had negative reactions at home or at work whenever he felt criticized.

If I had used only a cognitive-behavioral approach and not an experiential therapy like EMDR in this case, Ted never would have gotten below the surface of his symptom of losing his temper when he was criticized.

Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Therapeutic Breakthroughs

He never would have traced it back in his memory to his relationship with his father or see the underlying symptom below the first layer that acting on this belief kept him attached to his father whom he had never really let go.

Getting Help in Therapy
Ordinary consciousness often masks unconscious beliefs that affect your sense of reality.

In "Ted's" case, his unconscious belief told him that if he didn't defend himself, he wasn't a man.  This was his unconscious sense of reality that was driving his interactions with his wife and his boss.

This unconscious belief was completely outside of his ordinary conscious awareness and regular talk therapy often doesn't get to this.

Experiential therapy, especially therapy that uses the mind-body connection, provides an opportunity to get to these unconscious beliefs so that they can be seen for what they are.

If you're struggling with problems that you don't understand and regular talk therapy hasn't helped you, rather than continuing to suffer, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who uses experiential types of therapy like, among others, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis (see my article:  EMDR: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.