What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples

Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:

• Conflict-Avoiding Couples
• Volatile Couples
• Validating Couples

Dysfunctional Types of Couples:

• Hostile Couples
• Hostile-Detached Couples

The 5 Types of Couples in Detail

Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:

• A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
• Distance and breakdown in communication
• A buildup of frustration and resentment
• Stress and anxiety
• A buildup of distrust

Volatile Couples

Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:

• Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
• Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
• Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
• Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
• Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.

Validating Couples

Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:

• Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
• A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
• Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.

Hostile Couples

Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion

Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 

    

    See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often hear clients talk about how hard it is to broach difficult conversations with their partner.

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

People who know they have a hard time with difficult conversations can work on developing the motivation and skills to talk about these topics. They're in a much better position to try to change compared to people who make excuses by telling themselves, "Things aren't so bad..." when, in reality, their relationship is in trouble.

Why Do Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations?

There can be many reasons why couples avoid talking about difficult topics--even if they're willing to acknowledge they have problems.

Some of the most common reasons include:

• Fear of Conflict: They're afraid of so-called "negative emotions" like anger, sadness, frustration, and so on. Not only are they afraid of their partner's reaction--they might also be afraid to experience these emotions themselves--so it's easier, in the short run, to avoid these topics. But there's a price to pay in the long run as problems continue to mount.

• Discomfort With Uncertainty: They might be afraid because they don't know how receptive their partner might be and how the conversation might go. So, they deal with their discomfort by avoiding the topic (see my article: How to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety).

• Lack of Self Confidence: They might be afraid they won't have the skills to handle a difficult topic in an effective way, so they avoid it.

• Discomfort With "Rocking the Boat": Many couples want to maintain a sense of harmony in their relationship--even if that harmony is only superficial and emotions are roiling under the surface. They might convince themselves that everything is okay and, if they both want to avoid rocking the boat, they will avoid dealing with conflict.

• Fear of Being Overwhelmed: They might fear that they'll be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with their emotions (see my article: What is Emotional Co-Regulation?).

• Fear the Relationship Will Fall Apart: If the foundation of the relationship isn't secure, they might fear that the relationship will fall apart if they talk about things that are difficult.

• Fear of Making Themselves Emotionally Vulnerable: Difficult conversations often require each person to allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable, which can feel scary (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Negative Consequences of Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Avoiding difficult conversations can feel like a couple is home free in the moment, but there are usually negative consequences for this type of avoidance, including:

• Communication Breaks Down: Couples who avoid difficult topics usually have communication problems to begin with, but if they continue to avoid difficult conversations, communication breaks down even further, which makes their problems worse. It can also lead to emotional estrangement between them.

• Resentment Increases: Whatever resentment the couple might experience will most likely get worse when the couple doesn't deal with their problems (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

• Conflicts Increase: Although the couple might think they are avoiding conflict by not addressing difficult topics, their conflict will most likely increase because they're both sitting on anger, resentment and hurt that fester over time.

• Loss of Emotional Connection: When a couple avoids conflict to maintain the illusion of superficial harmony, they're usually being disingenuous with each other. They're hiding their true feelings so that, over time, they can experience a loss of emotional and sexual connection.

• Loss of Trust: The superficial appearance of calm often belies a loss of trust as each person in the relationship senses the other is withholding emotions.

How to Have Difficult Conversations With Your Partner

Here are some tips you might find helpful if you and your partner are going to have a difficult conversation:

• Deal Directly With the Conflict: Rather than avoiding it or going around in circles, deal with the conflict directly--unless doing so would put you in danger with your partner. Use tact and compassion, but don't be indirect because it will create confusion.

Difficult Conversations: Deal Directly With the Conflict

• Speak From Your Own Experience: Make "I" statements where you speak from your own experience rather than accusing your partner of wrongdoing.

• Avoid "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

• Take Responsibility For Your Role in the Problems: Rather than placing all the blame on your partner, take responsibility for your part in the problems. This could help your partner to open up about their role.

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than beating yourself up, use self compassion while you're taking responsibility for relationship problems.

• Practice Compassion For Your Partner: Challenging conversations with your partner can be less difficult if you show compassion for your partner. 

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to work on your problems without success, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and skills to work through difficult problems.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

When considering psychological trauma, it's important to know there are different types of trauma, including developmental trauma and shock trauma. 

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

In this article I'm focusing on unresolved developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, and the need for control as an adult.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Since I'm focusing on developmental trauma (trauma that occurs over time in childhood), the definition of psychological trauma in this context is a person's unique experience of feeling emotional distress in response to ongoing events that overwhelmed their capacity to cope.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

It's important to emphasize that a traumatic response is unique to the individual. So, it's not the events per se that's traumatic--it's a how the individual experiences the events. 

Children who are identical twins might experience the same events in their family where one of them is traumatized and the other is not.  So, each person has their own unique psychological makeup and their own particular response to what happened.

Another factor is whether or not the person who experienced overwhelming events as a child had emotional support at the time or whether they felt alone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: What is AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)?).

A child who had emotional support from a loving relative will usually have a better psychological outcome than a child who went through distressing event feeling alone.

Feeling Powerless as Part of Chronic Developmental Trauma

Feeling of powerlessness is an important part of developmental trauma.

A feeling of powerlessness is especially prevalent during chronic developmental trauma where there is ongoing exposure to emotionally overwhelming events.  These individuals feel they have no power to stop, change or control these events.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

For instance, a young child who has repeated experiences of hearing their parents' arguments escalate into physical violence will most likely feel terrified and powerless to do anything about their parents' fights.

Even if this same child, who is terrified, is able to muster the courage to knock on their parents' bedroom to try to get them to stop the fighting, the parents might respond in ways that make the incident even more terrifying. 

One or both parents might invalidate the child's fear by saying, "Nothing is wrong. Go back to your room" which can be very confusing for the child. 

Alternatively, the parents might respond in other ways that make the event even scarier.  For example, one of the parents might threaten the child by saying something like, "Get back to your room or you'll get a spanking!" or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

This leaves the child in an untenable situation where not only can they not control what's happening but they also fear they will get physically punished.

An hour or two later these same parents, who might be highly volatile with each other at times, might emerge from their bedroom and act as if nothing happened in front of the child. 

Not only does this invalidate the child's fear and make the child feel alone, it can also makes the child wonder if there's something wrong with him or her to fear a situation where the parents are now acting normal.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control

In the example given above, if there are ongoing events like this where the child feels powerless and alone, this child will mostly likely grow up with a strong need to feel in control of their own life, their loved ones' lives and the circumstances around them.

One of the consequences of a history of unresolved trauma and feelings of powerlessness is that individuals often become emotionally triggered when they find themselves in situations where they feel they can't exert control.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

The need for exerting control will vary from one individual to another depending upon the person and the particular situation. But most individuals who experienced chronic trauma growing up don't want to re-experience the sense of powerlessness they experienced as children. This creates in them the need to exert control.

The need to feel in control is a self protective mechanism whereby the individual tries to create a safe space so they don't feel the same terrifying feelings they experienced as a child.

For individuals who grew up in unpredictable circumstances where it felt like anything could happen at any time, the need for predictability is paramount.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Need For Control Based on Unresolved Trauma?

The following are some of the signs people might experience when they have a need to be in control based on unresolved trauma:

• Fear of Ambiguous Situations: They can be very uncomfortable (maybe even panicked) when a situation is unclear. Ambiguous situations can be highly triggering for them which will, in turn, trigger their need to exert control over the situation.

• Setting Rigid Boundaries: They might set rigid boundaries so relationships and situations feel predictable with no second guessing about what might or might not happen.

• Fear of Vulnerability: They might have a hard time opening up to other people. As a result, they might not feel comfortable sharing personal information about themselves because they fear the other person might use this information against them (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in a Relationship).

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

• Fear of Talking About the Past: They might not like talking about their past because they fear getting triggered again and also fear trusting someone else with this information.

• Fear of Allowing Others to Get to Know Them: They might be hard to get to know because they are protecting themselves from getting hurt again.

• Fear of Intimate Relationships: They might avoid getting into intimate relationships because of their fear of vulnerability.

• You're Either For Them or Against Them: They might feel you're either for them or against them. There might not feel anything in between (no gray area).

• Fear of Trusting Others: If they feel disappointed or letdown by someone, they might not trust that person again.

• A Need for Predictability: Due to their need for predictability, they might have unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations of others (see my article: Perfection vs Good Enough).

• Fear of Risks: They might be risk averse. They might avoid anything that is risky or feels dangerous to them in any way.  This can include the possibility of getting hurt in a relationship, making financial decisions that might involve a degree of risk, making a career change and so on.

• Fear of Abandonment: They might have a strong fear of abandonment. Since their childhood experiences might have included feeling emotionally abandoned by their parents, who were supposed to take care of them, they might fear abandonment in any close relationship.

What's the First Step in Healing Psychological Trauma?

Since developmental trauma occurs in the context of a relationship, healing also needs to occur in the context of a relationship (this is one of the reasons why self help books are often only minimally, if at all, helpful in terms of healing trauma).

Healing Psychological Trauma and Awareness

Unfortunately, people who experienced developmental trauma as children often don't trust relationships. They might have a strong need to feel loved, but they also dread feeling loved because of their early experiences of feeling unsafe (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Many people who have unresolved developmental trauma continue to use the same protective strategies they used as children. While these strategies might have helped them at the time, they no longer work for them. 

One of those strategies often included avoiding close relationships.

Developing an awareness about the impact of unresolved trauma is an important first step. 

Without an acknowledgement of the impact, there's often a lack of motivation and fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people seek help in trauma therapy when the pain of doing nothing becomes greater than their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the issues that keep you stuck with the impact of unresolved trauma.

If you're feeling stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help in trauma therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I believe people have an innate ability to heal from traumatic experiences with the help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In my prior article, Understanding Healthy Boundaries: Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries, I focused on the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

In the current article, I'm focusing on balancing empathy with maintaining healthy boundaries  (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

What is the Role of Empathy in Boundary Setting?

Empathy is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships because empathy:

• Helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings and experiences of others

• Helps you to be an active listener

• Allows you to validate others' emotions

• Helps you with conflict resolution so you and others can work out conflicts together

• Helps you to develop an emotional bond between you and others

• Helps you and others to have a greater sense of shared humanity

Why is It Challenging to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries?

Empathy motivates you to connect with others' emotions and experiences.

Maintaining healthy boundaries, which is essential to your well-being, helps you to take care of yourself.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

Trying to balance empathy and healthy boundaries can make you feel like you're not being helpful to others and can put you in conflict with yourself about whether to take care of others or to take care of yourself.

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries becomes a balancing act where you're supportive of others but you're also taking care of yourself so you don't get emotionally depleted or overwhelmed.

Here are some reasons why this balancing act can be challenging:

• Empathetic people want to be emotionally supportive so this can make setting boundaries difficult. It can make them feel selfish. They might even doubt their own need to take care of themselves.

• Empathetic people might not understand their own emotional needs so they don't know when to set healthy boundaries with others. They might even have porous boundaries which makes boundary setting even more difficult. They might also vacillate between having porous boundaries and having boundaries that are too rigid.

• People who are naturally supportive are concerned that setting boundaries will make them appear lacking in compassion. 

• Highly empathic people often absorb the emotions of people that are around them, which can lead to fatigue and burnout.

• Social or cultural expectations might make empathetic people feel pressured into putting others' needs before their own or lead to inner conflict.

Examples of Challenges With Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following scenarios are fictional examples of situations that often come up when people are trying to set healthy boundaries in personal and work-related relationships:

Setting Boundaries in a Personal Friendship

Mary and Nina were close friends since childhood.  

When they were teenagers, Mary understood that Nina came from a family with a lot of challenges, so she always made herself available whenever Nina was having a problem at home.  There were even times when Mary's parents allowed Nina to stay over when Nina's parents were fighting.

As an adult, Nina had ongoing problems in her personal and work-related relationships.  

Mary often told Nina that therapy helped her to overcome personal challenges and she suggested that Nina seek help in therapy.  But Nina told Mary that she "didn't believe in therapy" and she refused to get help.  Instead, she continued to lean on Mary emotionally whenever she had problems.

Mary wanted to be emotionally supportive, but she often felt Nina's problems were overwhelming her (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

When Mary brought this up in her therapy, her therapist spoke to Mary about setting healthy boundaries with Nina in a kind and tactful way.  

Mary thought about this for a while before she felt comfortable enough to speak with Nina. But when she finally spoke to Nina, Mary's message was not well received. 

Old feelings got triggered in Nina of being emotionally invalidated. She felt like hurt and she rejected. She also felt she was "too much" for Mary to bear, which brought up a lot of shame for her.

All of this put a strain on their friendship and they didn't speak for several months.

Out of desperation, Nina decided to give therapy a try.  

Once Nina became more self aware, she was able to come back to Mary with greater understanding so they could resume their friendship in a healthier way.

Mary also learned a lot about setting boundaries from this situation. She realized she tended to get overly involved in Nina's problems for reasons that involved her own personal history. She continued to work on this in her therapy to improve her ability to set healthy boundaries.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Professional Relationship

Joan was Bill's personal coach.  Most of the time they focused on helping him to develop his motivation to complete his dissertation. But there were times when Bill wanted additional time in their sessions to talk about challenges in his relationship with his wife.

Joan was naturally an empathetic person who wanted to help others. She empathized with Bill's personal problems and sometimes she allowed him to talk their beyond their scheduled time without getting compensated for it.  But afterwards, she felt emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated because she didn't know how to help Bill with his personal problems. 

Joan sought help from a mentor who had a lot of personal coaching experience, and he advised her to set boundaries with Bill.  He also advised her that, since she wasn't a mental health professional, she was working outside the scope of her expertise when Bill talked about his personal problems.

In addition, he encouraged her to value her time and not allow Bill to regularly go over the allotted time of their session.  

He gave her the name of a licensed psychotherapist in Bill's area and recommended that she explain to Bill why they needed to limit their sessions to the original parameters they had agreed upon--helping him to get motivated to complete his dissertation. And she explained why they couldn't delve into personal topics that were beyond her expertise as a personal coach.

But when Joan gave Bill the contact information for the psychotherapist, he expressed feeling hurt and rejected by Joan. 

He told Joan he didn't understand why she couldn't listen to his marital problems. In response, Joan reviewed the original agreement they had worked out and explained, once again, why he needed to get help from a mental health professional.

Even though Bill had paid for 10 coaching sessions in advance, he decided to forego the remaining five sessions because he felt hurt and rejected and he no longer wanted to work with Joan.

However, he knew he needed help, so he followed up with Joan's referral to a psychotherapist. After he developed greater self awareness in therapy, he called Joan to apologize for his inappropriate boundaries and thanked her for encouraging him to seek help from a therapist.

This situation was also a learning experience for Joan in terms of setting boundaries with future clients. 

How to Balance Empathy and Healthy Boundaries

The following suggestions can help you to balance empathy and healthy boundaries:

• Understand Your Needs: Start by developing an understanding of your own personal needs. It might feel uncomfortable to focus on yourself first, but this is where the process needs to start.

Balancing Empathy and Healthy Boundaries: Understand Your Needs

• Express Your Needs: When you're in the process of setting boundaries, focus on explaining your needs without blaming or shaming the other person. This can be challenging because it's often the case that people who tend to lean on others a lot don't have good personal boundaries themselves. As a result, they might not understand where you're coming from. In addition, based on their own personal history, your boundary setting might trigger old unresolved trauma related to shame. While this is unfortunate, as long as you're tactful and caring, you're not responsible for other people's unresolved trauma. It's their responsibility to get the professional help they need from a licensed mental health professional.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If healthy boundary setting is new or challenging for you, seek help in therapy to work on this issue as well as the underlying issues involved for you. For instance, if you were your parents' confidante when you were a young child, you might feel it's naturally your role to take on other people's problems. However, whether you're aware of it or not, being your parents' confidante as a young child was traumatic and overwhelming. If you're continuing to put yourself in that role with others, you're repeating an unhealthy pattern.

Get Help in Therapy

Balancing empathy and healthy boundaries might be challenging for you at first, especially if you were a parentified child where, due to a role reversal, you "parented" your parents by being their primary emotional support system as a young child (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships).

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to define your personal needs and learn to set healthy boundaries with empathy and care.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to set healthy boundaries. 

If your therapist specializes in trauma, she can also help you to work through the unresolved trauma that might be at the root of your problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many clients to work through trauma so they can develop healthy boundaries (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.