How to Choose a Psychotherapist

At various times in our lives, we all need help. Trusted friends and family members can be a source of strength and support to help us cope with difficult times. But sometimes friends and family are not qualified to help us work out our problems. At those times, you might decide to see a psychotherapist.

How to Choose a Therapist?
Choosing a therapist can be a daunting task, especially if you've never been in therapy before. How do you know what to look for? How do you know if a particular therapist is right for you? There are many different types of psychotherapy. How you do know which one would be best for you?

How to Choose a Therapist

Feeling Comfortable with the Therapist
I believe that the most important factor in selecting a therapist is whether you feel a connection to the therapist, regardless of who recommended the therapist or what type of therapy they practice.

So, how do you know if you feel a rapport with a particular therapist? I recommend going for a consultation and trusting your gut instinct.

Now, it's true that you might not feel comfortable the first time that you go. After all, it's not easy talking about personal things to a stranger. So, you might need to go a couple of times before you can distinguish your initial discomfort, which is normal, from what might not be a good match between you and the prospective therapist.

Make Sure the Therapist is Licensed
Make sure that whoever you see is licensed. I cannot stress this enough. Unfortunately, there are many people who call themselves therapists or counselors, but they're not licensed and they have no professional training.

Unlicensed, untrained wanna-be "therapists" usually do more harm than good and it's best to steer clear of them. If you're not sure if they're licensed, you can contact the State Professional Licensing board or go online. If they're licensed, their names will appear with their license number and the date of their license. Of course, having a license is no guarantee that they're a good therapist, but at least it's an indication that they meet the State's profesional requirements.

Ask for a Consultation
During the consultation, feel free to ask the prospective therapist questions about training, skills and experience. If a therapist is unable or unwilling to answer these questions or s/he becomes defensive or turns the questions back on you, move on.

How to Choose a Therapist:  Ask For a Consultation

You also want to know if the therapist has experience working on the particular problem that you are experiencing. You can also ask about their particular theoretical orientation. A therapist should be able to explain this to you in a way that you can understand without using jargon. Many therapists are eclectic, which means that they work in many different ways, depending upon the needs of the client.

During the consultation, ask yourself:

• Do I feel heard by this therapist? 
• Does the therapist seem interested in what I'm saying? 
• Other than normal anxiety that most people feel during an initial consultation, do I feel comfortable? 

You might need to interview a few therapists before you find the right one for you. And don't feel badly or that you'll be hurting the therapist's feelings if you decide to choose someone else. Any professional therapist understands that not all therapists are good for all clients.

If fee is a consideration, talk about the fee. Do you have out of network benefits that will provide you with a partial reimbursement?  

A Meaningful Experience in Therapy
When you find the right therapist for you, you are likely to have a meaningful experience. You'll have a chance to free yourself from old negative patterns that are keeping you from thriving in your life. Psychotherapy can be a rewarding, life changing experience. Good luck in your journey.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC Psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a psychotherapy consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is in the Present

Many psychotherapy clients ask me why they continue to feel so bad about a trauma that occurred many years ago.  Most people assume that "the past is in the past." But when you have unresolved trauma, the past is definitely in the present and can get triggered by present day circumstances.  I provided an example of this phenomenon in my prior blog article, EMDR - Overcome Trauma That Keeps You Feeling Stuck and in Emotional Pain.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Let's explore this further to try to understand how traumatic memories from the past can get triggered in your current life.

A Veteran With PTSD Can Get Triggered By a Loud Noise
The example that's often given is of a veteran who comes home from combat with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and gets triggered by a loud noise, like the sound of a car back firing.

The loud noise triggers a trauma response.  Depending upon the severity of the veteran's PTSD, he or she could have a range of responses from a mild startle response to diving for cover as if he or she is still on the battle field.

The Body Reacts Before the Mind in Dangerous Situations
The interesting thing is that when a person reacts to the trauma, his or her body reacts first before the mind reacts.

This is true not only for traumatized veterans who are reacting to memories that get triggered, but also for everyone who is in a potentially dangerous situation whether it's in the past or the present.

Having the body react first before the mind when you're actually in current danger can be very useful.

For instance, if you're in the woods and a bear begins to run after you, your body will react first by pumping adrenaline through out your body and usually your legs will start running before your mind even has time to process the thought, "Oh no!  A bear is running after me!"


If you had to wait for your rational mind to react first before your body reacted by running, you might end up as the bear's lunch.  That's why, under circumstances of present danger, it's better for your body to react first because your body knows what to do--run like the wind!

"Is It a Stick or a Snake?"
Another example of the body reacting before the mind is one I remember hearing from Nancy Napier, LMFT in Somatic Experiencing trauma training.

The example is this:  Imagine yourself hiking in the woods when your eye catches something in your path and your body has an automatic response of jumping back.  Only after your body has reacted will your mind ask the question, "Is this a stick or a snake?"

There might be only a microsecond between your body reacting and your mind asking the question, but it's definitely more efficient and safer for the body to react first, especially if it really is a poisonous snake.  Then again, if you realize that it's really just a stick, you're relieved and you can keep walking.

Your Body and Mind Still React, Even When It's a Memory of the Traumatic Event and Not Actual Current Danger
When what you're feeling is the memory of a traumatic event, as opposed to being in actual danger in the present moment, your body will still react when it's triggered by a current event.

Depending upon the severity of your reaction, you could react with a fight, flight, or freeze reaction.  There would be a build up of adrenaline.  You might find yourself shaking and your heart pounding, but since you're not in actual danger at the moment, you won't be discharging this mobilized energy by running--the pent up energy will stay in the body.

If you're constantly being triggered in the present by traumatic memories, you can see how this isn't useful the way it is when you're confronted by a bear or the possibility of poisonous snake in the present moment and you would use that energy to flee.

When you react as if there is present danger when there's none and this happens over and over again, it can be exhausting on a physical and emotional level.  It can compromise your immune system and cause health problems.

There Are Many Different Types of Events That Can Cause PTSD
The example I gave above of the combat veteran, who gets triggered by a loud noise, is the classic example of PTSD.

But there are many different situations, aside from combat trauma, that can cause PTSD, including emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, car accidents, getting robbed or mugged, natural disaster, terrorism, and any other emotionally overwhelming event.

What is An Emotionally Overwhelming Event?
What is an emotionally overwhelming event?  It depends on the individual.

Two people can go through the same event and one person might develop a traumatic response and the other might not, depending upon many factors, including personal history, personality, and other factors.

An Overwhelming Event From Your Past Doesn't Have to Cause Full Blown PTSD to Get Triggered in the Present
What many people don't realize is that the overwhelming event doesn't have to cause PTSD in order to get triggered later on.  You don't have to meet the full diagnostic criteria for PTSD to have a traumatic response and get emotionally triggered.

There is what is known in trauma work as "Big T" and "Smaller T" trauma, which I explained in a prior blog article: EMDR and "Big T" and "Smaller T" Trauma.

When You Get Emotionally Triggered By a Memory, It Can Feel Like You're "Going Crazy"
Sometimes, the person who is feeling emotionally triggered might not even realize that they're being triggered by a memory of a traumatic event.  This can make the person feel like they're "going crazy."

So, when I work with clients who are confused by their emotional reactions, I educate them about how past memories can trigger emotional reactions in the present.

It's usually reassuring to clients to know that they're have a common reaction to the memory of an overwhelming event.

Getting Help
EMDR is a safe and effective form of trauma therapy when it is used by a skilled therapist.  

Rather than continuing to be triggered by past memories, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced EMDR therapist to resolve your trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcome the Trauma that Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

People often start psychotherapy to overcome trauma that keeps them stuck and in emotional pain.   My experience, as a psychotherapist in private practice in NYC, is that EMDR is a safe and effective form of therapy for trauma when practiced by a licensed, skilled EMDR therapist.

Trauma That Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

Getting Into Relationships With Romantic Partners Who Keep Hurting You
There are many situations that cause people to get retraumatized in their lives.  One of them is when people keep getting into relationships with romantic partners who hurt them.  Why does this keep happening to certain people over and over again?  Is it just bad luck or is there something deeper going on?


Of course, every situation is different, but it's often true that when someone keeps getting into relationships with people who cause them emotional pain, they're unconsciously repeating an old pattern from their childhood.  This phenomenon usually involves unresolved childhood trauma that keeps getting repeated in one relationship after the next.

It's usually hard to see this phenomenon on your own and it's even harder to try to change it by yourself without help from a skilled psychotherapist.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized example, which is a composite of many different psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Susan
By the time Susan came to therapy, she was at her wit's end.  Her two-year relationship with Sam was falling apart, and she came to our psychotherapy consultation hoping she could find out what she was doing "wrong" so she could save her relationship.

Originally, Susan wanted to attend couples counseling, but Sam wanted no part of this.  He came to the consultation because she begged him to, but he made it clear that he wasn't interested in couples counseling.  In fact, 10 minutes into the consultation, he dropped a bomb by telling Susan that he wanted "out" and he was waiting until our appointment to let her know so that Susan would have a place to deal with the emotional aftermath of their breakup.  And, having said that, Sam stood up, gave Susan back her apartment keys and left the session, leaving Susan in tears.

I wish I could say that this is very unusual during a consultation.  But, unfortunately, this wasn't the first time that two people came in to talk about their relationship where one person used the session to bail out.

After I helped Susan to calm down, she said that, although she was surprised, this wasn't totally out of character for Sam, and he had a way of bailing out when the going got tough.  Their dynamic would be that she would pursue him when he left and take all the blame for their relationship not working.

Apparently, Sam never had to take any responsibility.  They just resumed their relationship with Susan "walking on eggshells," hoping that Sam wouldn't leave again.

When this happened during the consultation, Susan wanted to pursue Sam again, but she agreed to stay to talk about what happened.

They reconciled after Susan's first session.  But during the next month, Sam was in and out of their relationship on a weekly basis whenever things got tense.  Susan was working in therapy to change her behavior so that she wasn't continually graveling before Sam.

In our therapy sessions, she began to realize, for the first time, how awful she was being treated by Sam.  She also became exhausted with their on again/off again relationship until, finally, she decided that she just couldn't do it any more, and she allowed him to leave without pursuing him again.

Without the chaos, we were able to explore how this dynamic, which went on in her prior romantic relationships, was a recreation of her relationship with her father, who was a cold distant man.  He would manipulate Susan's mother and Susan by constantly threatening to leave the family when he didn't get his way.

This resulted in Susan's mother allowing him to use the family savings for very risky business ventures which usually failed and left the family on the brink of financial disaster.  Susan's mother was so afraid of the father abandoning her and Susan that she would give in to his outlandish schemes.

Susan grew up to be an anxious child who had nightmares of her father leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere.  She was so afraid of being abandoned by her father that, even at the young age of five, she would take on the blame for whatever her father was angry about.

Children at that age often blame themselves for their parents' problems, and Susan was no exception. The problem was that there was no one to tell her that she wasn't to blame.  Her mother was too overwhelmed and preoccupied with accommodating the father, so she wasn't emotionally available to comfort Susan.  And Susan's father was too narcissistic to feel any empathy for Susan.  He was mostly concerned about getting his way.

So, when Susan began dating, she continually chose men who were like her father because these men were familiar.  It was also her way, in an unconscious effort, to try to have a different outcome than what she experienced as a child.  In other words, she was still trying to be the "good girl" in her relationship who would be so good, kind and accommodating that her boyfriend would love her and never leave her.  Except it never worked out that way because these men were too self involved and didn't have the capacity to be part of a loving relationship.  So, these relationships didn't end well.

When Susan was able to see that she was repeating the same pattern over and over again, it was an eye-opening experience for her.  But she felt it would be impossible for her to change.

We began talking about EMDR, a trauma therapy that was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.  And she agreed to try it.  After spending several sessions developing internal resources and coping skills, we began our EMDR work on the current situation but focusing more on the older trauma that was getting emotionally triggered in Susan's relationships as an adult.

As we worked through her emotional trauma, Susan began to feel more confident and less burdened by her traumatic past.  With EMDR, she was able to work through the current and prior trauma so she  was free of her traumatic past.

EMDR Therapy 
EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing isn't magical.  But I have found it to be one of the most effective forms of trauma therapy--much more effective than regular talk therapy.

Many of the clients that come to see me for psychotherapy have had a lot of talk therapy and they have developed intellectual insight into their problems.  But they haven't healed and they continue to be affected by their trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck and in emotional pain, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is an EMDR practitioner.

About me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 3: The Consultation

In prior blog articles, I discussed the common fears that many people have when they consider attending psychotherapy to recover from emotional trauma as well as how to find a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma (see links below to these article).  In this blog article, I would like to focus on how to handle a psychotherapy consultation with a trauma specialist.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma

As I've mentioned in prior articles, I consider the first session with a new client to be a consultation, whether they're coming for trauma therapy or not.  The consultation is an opportunity for both the client and the therapist to find out if they would be a good match.

Providing the Therapist With An Overview of the Problem During a Psychotherapy Consultation
When clients call me for a consultation, I usually let them know that I will be asking them during our first session for an overview of their problem and what they would like to get out of therapy.

The reason why I only ask for an overview is because I want enough information to have an idea of what the presenting problem is for a particular client, but I don't want the client to feel overwhelmed at the end of the session because they feel they have divulged too much to a stranger.

Providing the Therapist With An Overview of the Problem During the Therapy Consultation

I assure them that I can (and I have) helped clients with all different types of trauma, and so I can hear anything.  But, very often, when people start talking about their trauma, especially if they delve into it very deeply too early on, they often get emotionally triggered.  If this happens, it can be a frightening experience for the client, and it might actually make them too afraid to pursue therapy.

So, no actual trauma work is done during a consultation.  It's a meeting where you and the therapist meet for the first time and see if you're comfortable with each other.  It's understood that most clients have some level of discomfort and a certain amount of ambivalence about starting therapy.  But beyond that, you want to get a sense of whether or not you feel a rapport with the therapist.

I want people who come to see me for therapy to feel safe emotionally.  It's of the utmost importance to me that people leave my office feeling emotionally intact and not overwhelmed and emotionally vulnerable.  So, an overview is usually a safe place to start.

Ask the Therapist Questions
To get the most out of your consultation with a psychotherapist, I recommend that you think about what's important to you with regard to working with a therapist before your first appointment.  I suggest that you write down your questions to help you use the time you have in your first session well.

What Kinds of Questions Are Helpful to Ask to a Trauma Therapist?
Of course, everyone is different in terms of what they want to know, but generally, it's a good idea to ask:

• Are you a licensed psychotherapist (never do trauma work with anyone who isn't licensed)?
• How long have you been a practicing therapist?
• What is your expertise in trauma?
• What type of advanced training do you have with regard to trauma treatment?
• How much experience do you have working with clients who have the same type of problem

What Kinds of General Questions Are Helpful to Ask a Therapist?

• Which graduate school did you attend?
• How long have you been practicing?
• What are your specialties?
• What is your fee?
• What is your cancellation policy?

I'm sure you might have other questions that you're interested in, but these are the most common basic questions for a psychotherapy consultation.

What If You're Not Sure After One Consultation?
If you're not sure whether or not you want to see a particular therapist after one consultation, you can ask if you can have a second consultation.  You might also want to meet a few therapists, although many people find it diffiult to go through this process a few times with different therapists, so this is up to the individual.

It's best to go with your gut feeling in these matters.  You don't need to worry about hurting the therapist's feelings if you decide you want to choose a different therapist.  Most experienced therapists know that not all therapists are for all clients, so they won't take it personally.  You're the one who has to feel comfortable.

Getting Help
Many people who have emotional trauma procrastinate in getting help.  In the meantime, their emotional trauma often has a detrimental impact on their lives.

Getting Help

Rather than continuing to suffer with anxiety and shame, get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise with trauma so you can overcome your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (212 726-1006 or send me an email: josephineolivia@aol.com

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 1: Common Fears

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2: Finding a Trauma Therapist

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Therapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2

In my last blog article, Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Overcome Trauma - Part 1, I explored some of the common fears that many people have that keep them from getting the help they need to overcome emotional trauma (see link to article below).  In this article, I'll focus on how to find a licensed psychotherapist who is a trauma expert.

Overcoming Fear of Therapy to Overcome Trauma

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Are Effective Forms of Therapy For Trauma
As a psychotherapist who is a trauma expert, I've found that Somatic Experiencing and EMDR are effective forms of trauma therapy for most people.

Both Somatic Experiencing (SE) and EMDR tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy to overcome trauma.

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR are being used effectively in the US and all over the world for people who want to overcome emotional trauma.

I've included links to prior blog articles that I've written (below) that explain how to choose a psychotherapist, and what EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are.  I've also included the professional websites for Somatic Experiencing and EMDR that provide international directories of therapists as well as links to books by Peter Levine, Ph.D., who developed SE and Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., who developed EMDR.

Seeing a Licensed Psychotherapist is a Must 
My recommendation, and I can't stress this enough, is that you seek a licensed psychotherapist.

There are trauma therapists who are listed on the Somatic Experiencing website who are not licensed psychotherapists.  They have learned how to do Somatic Experiencing and they might be certified, but they aren't licensed therapists and don't have experience doing psychotherapy.

Licensure in various states can vary.  In New York City and most other states, you can't call yourself a psychotherapist unless you have a license.  If you're not sure what type of licensure they have, ask.

Being certified as an SE therapist is not the same as being a licensed psychotherapist.  Being a certified SE therapist (or SEP) means a person has attended all the workshops and attended the required number of supervisory sessions and personal SE sessions to get certified by the SE Training Institute.

Also, a person might be licensed as a bodyworker or massage therapist and become certified as a SEP, but they are not licensed psychotherapists.  This is not to say that these individuals aren't knowledgeable.

But if the trauma work goes beyond a certain clinical depth, they will have to refer you to work with a licensed psychotherapist who is a Somatic Experiencing psychotherapist because they are not allowed to work outside the scope of their knowledge.  

That will mean that you will have t start over with someone else.  There are enough licensed psychotherapists who are excellent SE therapists that you can find, certainly in NYC and on the West Coast.

With regard to EMDR, at least when I was trained several years ago, you could not learn EMDR unless you were a licensed psychotherapist, so you are much less likely to encounter this issue.  But, once again, if you're not sure, ask.

In my next blog article, I'll discuss the first session with a psychotherapist, which I recommend that you consider as a consultation.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.

I specialize in working with emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Articles From My Psychotherapy Blog:

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 1: Common Fears

How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Trauma with Somatic Experiencing

What is EMDR: Big T and Small T Trauma

Somatic  Experiencing and EMDR Information With US and International Directories:
Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute

EMDR International Association and Directory

Books
Book About SE: Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences - by Peter Levine, Ph.D.

Book About SE: In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restore Goodness - by Peter Levine, Ph.D.

Book About EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Basic Principals, Protocols and Procedures - by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.

Book About EMDR: Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life With Self Help Techniques From EMDR Therapy - by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.

Overcoming Fear of Attending Trauma Therapy

It's a sad fact that millions of people throughout the world suffer with emotional trauma and never get professional help from a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma.  

Whether it's trauma that originated in childhood or trauma due to war, terrorist attacks, sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse, or trauma due to natural disaster, there are millions of people who either don't have access to trauma therapy or who have access but are too afraid to attend trauma therapy.

Overcoming Fear of Attending Trauma Therapy

In the US, Europe, Latin America and many other parts of the world, we are fortunate to live during a time when there's a variety of effective forms of trauma therapy to choose from to help people to overcome emotional trauma.  These include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

But even though there is effective treatment available for trauma, too many people are afraid to get the help they need and they continue to suffer needlessly.   

Why Are So Many People Afraid to Attend Psychotherapy to Overcome Emotional Trauma?

The reasons for people's fear vary, but include:

• a fear that the therapist will plunge them back into the traumatic experience and they will feel overwhelmed
• a fear that they will be blamed for their trauma and the therapist will see them as being "bad"
• a fear that some part of the traumatic experience that they might not remember will emerge and they'll "fall apart"
• a fear that they'll have nightmares that will overwhelm them
• a fear that they'll feel helpless in therapy
• a fear that their own poor sense of self will be confirmed by the therapist
• a fear of going to a new therapist based on bad experiences with prior therapists
• a fear of the unknown

I'm sure there are many other fears that people have that I've left out, but the ones I've given above tend to be among the most common fears that I hear about when clients come to see me about their emotional trauma.

These are common fears that many people have when they're considering going to therapy to overcome trauma.

Although unfortunate, it's understandable that traumatized people are often too afraid to seek the treatment that they need.  But there are ways to make the process a lot less frightening, starting with finding a psychotherapist who is a trauma expert and asking for a consultation to find out how the therapist works.  

What do I mean by this?  Well, many people have a misconception that they will have to delve deeply into their trauma history on Day One in therapy.  But this isn't true.  

A skilled clinician, who is a trauma expert, will make sure that before any processing of the trauma begins, the client has the internal resources or coping skills to do the work.  Also, he or she will know that it takes time to build trust and a rapport, which is necessary for any client, but especially for clients with trauma, to feel comfortable.

In upcoming blog articles, I'll provide recommendations on how to seek a referral to a trauma therapist, how to handle the first session which, in my opinion, should be considered a consultation rather than a session to do trauma work directly, and ways to make the process feel much safer emotionally.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2: Finding a Trauma Therapist

A Therapist's Thoughts About "John," a Book By Cynthia Lennon

Having recently read "John," a book about John Lennon by his first wife, Cynthia Lennon, I was quite moved.  I would recommend this book highly to people who are curious about John Lennon and would like to know more about the personal history of this creative genius based on Cynthia's account.

A Therapist's Thoughts About "John"

John Lennon the Man vs John Lennon the Icon

As most people know, John Lennon and the Beatles were idolized by millions.  They achieved unimaginable success as a group. 

When we idealize people to such a degree, we place them on high pedestals from which they can only fall when their personal lives are scrutinized with such detail from childhood to death.  

As a young girl growing up during Beatlemania, I was one of the millions who idolized the Fab Four and loved their music, and I still love their music.  

So, as an adult, I hesitated, at first, to read "John" because I wondered if I would be disillusioned by Cynthia's account of John the Man, a husband and a father, as opposed to the revered public persona of John Lennon the Icon.

But, as soon as I began reading Cynthia Lennon's book, I realized that she gives quite an empathic account of John's life and her marriage to John.  

Given the circumstances of their life together and the aftermath of their relationship, based on her account, I don't think many people could have blamed her if she did otherwise.  But, to her credit, she seems to present a balanced picture of a man with early trauma, who is thrust into the spotlight at such a young age, seemingly unprepared for what fame would bring.  

I already "knew" certain aspects of his life that had received a lot of publicity before and after his death--or, at least, as much as anyone can "know" things about such a famous person that you've never met.  

I knew that he lost his mother as a teenager.  I also knew that his father was not around much when he was a young boy and then, presumably, disappeared from his life later on until after John became famous.  I'd heard stories that his Aunt Mimi, who raised him, was not a nurturing figure in his life.  

I had also already read stories and heard accounts that when he left Cynthia to be with Yoko Ono, he had little contact with his first son, Julian Lennon.  For me, this was one of the hardest aspects of his life to reconcile with the public persona of John Lennon, who advocated for peace and love.  

Of course, everyone has conflicting aspects to his or her personality.  So, this isn't so much a criticism of John as it is an observation that he was human, after all and, like all of us, had human flaws.

Transgenerational Trauma

But, as a psychotherapist reading about how John left his first son, Julian, based on Cynthia's account, I couldn't help looking at the transgenerational trauma that occurred when his father left him and when he left Julian.  

For a son, losing a father as a young boy is a major loss and an emotional trauma.  I often see psychotherapy clients who have lost one or both parents at a young age who vow that they will never abandon their children because they love them and they don't want to see them hurt in the same way.  But, so often, many of these same parents end up abandoning their children due to whatever unresolved trauma and unconscious internal turmoil that is going on within them.  

This happens in so many ways, big and small.  Many young adults will say, "I never want to be like my father" or "I never want to be like my mother" and they mean this sincerely.  

But then, as older adults, they often find themselves doing the exact thing their mother or father did that hurt them and that they said they would never do.  Usually, this occurs because of their own unconscious internal conflicts.  And this is how transgenerational trauma is perpetuated, usually on an unconscious level, from one generation to the next.

John Lennon - Genius and Complex Person

Having never met John Lennon, I'm not going to presume to say what might or might not have gone on in his mind.  In Cynthia's book, "John," he is presented as a complex person with many conflicting, and seemingly unintegrated, parts to his personality.  

My impression is that Cynthia never thought John would leave her in the way that he did or abandon their child.  

As a psychotherapist, I have worked with many clients who are often stunned by similar behavior by a spouse or lover.  This can be one of the most devastating and traumatic experiences of a person's life--when you think you know your spouse or partner so well and then he does something so hurtful that you can hardly believe he's the same person you thought you knew.

It's not easy putting your life back together again after such a crushing blow, which makes Cynthia Lennon's resilience and resourcefulness all the more impressive.

I've included a link below for Part 1 of "John" which is narrated by Cynthia Lennon.  I hope you will enjoy it.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.  

One of my specialities is working with trauma, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my blog article:  Psychotherapy and Transgenerational Trauma

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

Knowing when it's time to begin psychotherapy isn't always easy for people, especially if they have misconceptions about therapy and who attends therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

People Are Better Informed About Psychotherapy These Days, So There is Less of a Stigma to Attending Therapy
Fortunately, there is less of a stigma attached to attending psychotherapy now than there used to be even 10 or 15 years ago because, generally, people are better informed about therapy.  But there are still people who assume that only "crazy people" need to attend therapy or that people who attend therapy are "weak."  These are big misconceptions about therapy and who should attend psychotherapy (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

In reality, psychotherapy is a common form of treatment that is used by people who are quite sane, but who need help to overcome certain obstacles in their lives that they've been unable to overcome on their own.

Keys to Knowing When to Seek Help From a Licensed Psychotherapist:

• You've Tried to Work Out Your Problems On Your Own, But Your Problems Remain Unresolved:  One of the keys to knowing when to seek help from a licensed psychotherapist is when you've tried to work out your problems on your own, but nothing that you've done so far has worked.  Self care is very important--eating nutritious food, getting enough rest, and engaging in exercise that's right for you.  But there are certain problems that don't go away with just self care, and you need the expertise of a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome your problems.

• You've Talked to Loved Ones About Your Problems, But Nothing Has Changed:  Another key to knowing when to attend therapy is after you've talked to friends and loved ones about your problems, but nothing has changed. While it's very important to have a strong emotional support system, there are times when your loved ones cannot help you to overcome your emotional problems because they don't have objectivity or the psychological expertise to help you.  That's when you can benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

• You've Read Self Help Books, But You Still Have Problems:  Self help books can be helpful to a certain extent.  They often provide you with simple tips for getting through the day and managing your problems, which is important.  But the problem is that self help books are written in a general way, and there's no way that the author can know your particular problem.  While you might get good advice, if you're still in emotional pain, you need to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.

• You've Spoken to Your Medical Doctor, But Your Emotional Problems Persist: Many people start by talking to their medical doctors about their emotional problems.  This is often a good idea if there's some question as to whether your problems are related to a medical problem.  For instance, if you're having headaches, you can't just assume that it's stress.  It could be related to a medical issue.  Once your doctor has ruled out that your problems aren't of a medical nature and, in fact, the problems are of a psychological nature, it's important to get help from an experienced therapist who has expertise in your particular problem.

• You've Tried Medication, But You're Still in Emotional Pain: The pharmaceutical companies have been doing a lot of advertising on TV, the Internet, and magazines.  The impression that many people are left with is that you just pop a pill and you'll be cured.  This appeals to anyone who wants a "magic bullet" to cure their problems.  But usually, it's more complicated than that.  There are times when psychotropic medication has been shown to be no more effective than a placebo.  There are also many people who don't like the side effects of medication.  This doesn't mean that people should stop taking their medication.  What it does mean is that it's often not the answer to solving people's emotional pain.  And, even when psychotropic medication is effective, research has shown that the combination of psychotherapy and medication tends to be the most effective in working through psychological problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
I usually recommend that clients come in for a consultation before we begin to work together.  This gives both of us a chance to meet and see if we are a good match.  You might not be able to tell from one session, but I usually encourage people to trust their instincts when they're choosing a therapist, and also to choose a therapist who has expertise in the particular area where you're having a problem.

When you call to make an appointment for a consultation, you can ask about a therapist's expertise and experience.

I've also included a link for an article (below) about common misconceptions about psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Read my article:
Common Myths About Psychotherapy

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk can become so automatic and persistent that you don't even realize that you're sabotaging your own efforts by giving yourself negative messages.  When negative self talk becomes so habitual, the more you engage in it, the more you reinforce this negativity.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

What is Negative Self Talk?
Everyone has his or her own version of negative self talk.

Some people compare themselves to others unfavorably to others and then tell themselves that that they could never measure up to these other people.

Here are some examples:

• Comparing yourself to pictures of models in magazines and then berating yourself for being overweight or being as attractive as the models
• Comparing how much money you make to other people's high income, and telling yourself that you'll never have financial success
• Comparing other people's success and telling yourself that you'll never amount to anything

Aside from comparing yourself unfavorably to others, there are many other kinds of negative self talk that can act as an saboteur:

• Criticizing yourself when your efforts don't bring success immediately rather than trying again
• Telling yourself that you're unlovable or worthless
• Telling yourself that you're stupid

And so on

Where Does This Negative Self Talk Come From?
For many people, negative self talk starts in their family of origin.  If they had a critical parent when they were growing up, they internalized these negative messages.  Then, as adults, they continued to give themselves the same messages--often without even realizing it.

How Can You Change Negative Self Talk?

• Becoming More Self Reflective and Aware

The first step to changing negative self talk is to become aware that you're doing it.   In order to become more aware, you need to become more self reflective and begin to pay attention to your internal self talk.

Do you offer yourself encouragement or discouragement?

Step back and observe yourself.

If you realize that you've developed a persistent habit of being self critical, you need to also be aware that this habit is an obstacle in your path.

• Admitting to Yourself that Your Negative Self Talk is a Problem

Once you've become aware of your problem, the next step is to start making the connection between your negative self talk and the consequences that it has had in your life.

While external factors might play a role in your feeling stuck, in order to change, you need to also admit to yourself that you're sabotaging yourself.

• Taking Action to Change

Once you've become aware and admit to yourself that your persistent negative self talk has become an obstacle for you, you need to take action to change.  Awareness alone, although a very important first step, isn't enough.

Begin to challenge yourself, whenever you engage in negative self talk, as if you were someone else questioning your own negativity.  Ask yourself for objective evidence that what you're telling yourself is true.  Engage in your own internal debate.

Ask yourself what a good friend, who knows you well, might tell you.

"Act as if" the negative self talk isn't true.  So, for instance, if you're telling yourself that you'll never be able to complete a project for work, acknowledge that this is how you're feeling, but put that aside and act as if you can.

In my opinion, "acting as if" is different from "fake it 'til you make it" because by"acting as if," you'll eventual discover that you're not faking it at all--you're really doing it.

By "acting as if," you're opening yourself up to new possibilities both within yourself as well as in external your world.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these tips for overcoming negative self talk don't work for you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

For many people, negative self talk is linked to childhood trauma where there was emotional and/or physical abuse.  As a result, the trauma keeps getting triggered in their lives now as an adult and often shows up in negative self talk.

There are licensed psychotherapists who specialize in providing therapy to overcome trauma, and finding a therapist with expertise in trauma can help you to work through the trauma and also help you to stop engaging in negative self talk.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome the effects of trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy: Looking at the Whole Person

Over the years, I've noticed that many clients, who have been in therapy before and who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, tend to describe themselves exclusively based on whatever psychiatric diagnosis they've been given in prior psychotherapy treatment.  The more psychotherapy they've had, the more likely they are to describe themselves based on a diagnosis from prior therapy rather than as a whole person.

A Strengths-Based Holistic Psychotherapy:  You're Not Your Diagnosis
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, I believe it's important to look at the whole person and not look at a client only in terms of a diagnosis (see links below for my prior article on "Positive Psychotherapy - A Strengths-Based Perspective" and "Psychotherapy: You're Not Your Diagnosis").

Strength-Based Therapy: Looking at the Whole Person

Psychotherapists must use the American Psychiatric Association's DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) to obtain reimbursements from insurance companies.  

This is true whether the reimbursement goes to the client or the therapist, whether it's for in network therapy or out of network therapy.  But the diagnosis is, obviously, not the whole story about any one person.

For instance, one of my specialties is working with emotional trauma, and I've had many clients who have symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder who have demonstrated a lot of resilience and resourcefulness in their lives, despite the fact that they have had horrific experiences.  They might be starting psychotherapy because their history of trauma is getting triggered in their current life, but this does not negate the fact that they also have a lot of strengths.

Psychotherapists Should Help Clients to Recognize and Utilize the Clients' Strengths
When a psychotherapist looks at a client and a client looks at him or herself only in terms of a diagnosis, this does a great disservice to the client.

I believe one of the things that therapists should do with all clients is to help them realize that they have strengths and they have used these positive qualities to get themselves through tough times in the past.  It might not have completely resolved their emotional problems, but it has probably helped them a lot.

Recognizing Your Strengths

When clients are able to see themselves more holistically, as opposed to seeing themselves only in terms of their diagnosis, they're better able to access these qualities to help themselves.

One of the great joys I experience in my work with psychotherapy clients is seeing them be able to recognize and utilize the strengths they already have in addition to learning and developing new tools they can use to grow and live more meaningful and fulfilling lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been hesitant to start therapy because you fear being seen only in terms of a diagnosis, you could benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who has a more holistic approach.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my related articles:
Positive Psychotherapy: A Strengths-Based Perspective

Psychotherapy: You're Not Your Diagnosis

Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Shame That Keeps You From Starting Therapy

Shame can be a very debilitating emotion, especially when it comes to asking for help.  As a psychotherapist in NYC, I see many clients who have struggled with shame for years before they allow themselves to come to therapy for help, usually after their problems have gone from bad to worse and they're in an emotional crisis.

Overcoming Shame That Keeps You From Starting Therapy

Why Do People Feel Too Ashamed to Ask For Help in Therapy?
The reasons why many people are too ashamed to come to therapy vary with each person, but negative self judgment is often a major factor.

Negative Self Judgment: "I Should Be Able to Handle This Problem"
One of the most common underlying issues is an attitude of self judgment with an internal dialogue that says, "I should be able to handle this on my own"  or "If I was stronger, I wouldn't need help."  Many of these same people wouldn't judge their loved ones if they needed help, but they can be very punitive with themselves.

Why Do People Feel Shame and Negative Self Judgment? 
Often people who feel shame and engage in negative self judgment were placed in a role as a child where they had to act like an adult.  It's amazing how children, when placed in this role, will rise to the occasion and take on problems that are really beyond their development.  Of course, this comes at a great emotional price to them because they're not allowed to be children.

Shame and Negative Self Judgment Often Keep People From Coming to Therapy

Unfortunately, the fact that they're able to rise to the occasion and act like adults reinforces a parental attitude that they can handle problems that are really beyond them and perpetuates this cycle.  This isn't always intentional on the parents' part.  Often, this happens with parents who are overwhelmed and who were also called upon when they were children to take on this parental role.  So, it might not occur to them that it's not appropriate to ask children to take on what are really adult problems.

Being the Person That Everyone Else Comes to With Their Problems
Being raised as a parentified child primes a child to grow up to be an adult that everyone else comes to with their problems.  I've seen this so many times with psychotherapy clients who finally come to therapy for their own problems when they feel overwhelmed.  They'll often tell me that they're usually the ones that everyone leans on, but they don't feel comfortable asking for help from others.

Often, they understand, logically, that there are times when everyone needs help.  But it doesn't feel right to them on an emotional level because they're not used to being the ones who ask others for help.  On an emotional level, it feels wrong to them.

Part of the problem is that many of them have little or no experience, even as children, getting help.  These children usually learn to push down their own natural dependency needs in order to accommodate others.  After years of pushing down their own emotional needs, they don't feel them any more.  They've become so good at denying that they have needs of their own that they have little or no awareness of what they're feeling--until something big happens.

You Can Only Override Your Emotional Needs For So Long Before It Has Consequences For You
Denial is a very powerful defense.  You can be in denial for a long time before it begins to have consequences for you.  But, inevitably, denying your own emotional needs will have consequences.

The consequences can result in problems that are of an emotional, physical or even spiritual nature.  For example, you might ignore your need for help until it develops into a sleep problem.  Then, rather than considering that your problem might stem from your suppressed emotional needs, you go to the doctor and ask him or her for a sleep medication.

There Can Be Emotional and Physical Consequences to Ignoring Your Need For Help

A well-informed doctor will ask you if you're having particular emotional problems that are keeping up at night.  S/he will often recommend that you see a therapist to deal with these problems rather than just relying on medication, which may or may not work and might have side effects.  But many doctors are so busy that it's easier and faster to write a prescription than to explore underlying issues.

In fact, many medical problems have a strong psychological component that often go unrecognized.  Then, rather than treat the source of the problem, people go from one doctor to the next to treat the physical symptoms of an underlying psychological problem, like depression or anxiety.

Unfortunately, many people ignore their own needs until they reach an emotional, physical or spiritual crisis.  They might get to the point where they feel they can't get out of bed any more because they're so depressed.

Getting Help in Therapy 
It often helps to step outside your own experience and ask yourself if you would judge your best friend or a beloved family member if he or she came to therapy.  Then, ask yourself if shame and false pride are preventing you from being as emotionally generous with yourself as you would be with a loved one.

 Rather than allowing shame to get in your way, sometimes you need to allow your rational mind to tell you what your emotions are preventing you from seeing--that you need help from a licensed mental health professional and there's no need to feel ashamed of this.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I've helped many people to overcome shame so that they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Romantic Relationship

Being in an intimate relationship can be one of the most healing experiences in your life when you feel loved and nurtured in your relationship.  At the same time, it can also be one of the most hurtful experiences when the one you love hurts you.

The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Romantic Relationship

It's often hard for many people to understand how it's possible for both things to be true at the same time in the same relationship, but this is a common experience.  Let's go beyond the surface and take a deeper look at these experiences, which can seem so contradictory, but really aren't.

Intimate Relationships
When you're in a serous relationship, you're in an intimate relationship.  Emotional intimacy can bring both feelings of love and nurturance as well as emotional pain because your spouse or partner is the closest person to you emotionally in your adult life.

When someone is that close to you emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually, there is the potential for him or her to say or do things, often unintentionally, that can hurt on a much deeper level than it would if someone else did or said the same thing.

Expectations That the One You Love Will Always Be There For You Emotionally
There is often an expectation that the one you love will always be there for you emotionally and will never hurt you.  In a perfect world, this would be true.  But we don't live in a perfect world and people often say and do things that hurt our feelings.  When it's the person who is closest to you, it not only hurts--it feels unjust.

It's important to make a distinction at this point:  What I'm referring to are common, occasional interactions between two people in a relationship--not physical abuse, frequent emotional abuse or major breaches of mistrust like infidelity.  I've written blog articles in the past about these topics and, of course, these are the most hurtful.  Here are some common examples of what I'm talking about:

Examples:
You and your partner get into an argument and, in anger and without thinking, he makes a critical remark about your weight gain.  You feel hurt and angry.

You come home happy and excited to tell your spouse about a major accomplishment at work and your spouse, who is tired and distracted, barely pays attention to what you're saying.  You feel hurt and deflated that he isn't sharing what was, until now, a happy moment for you.

You come home from a difficult day at work and feel the need for a little tender loving care from your spouse, but she is under a lot of stress too and tells you to look for another job if you're unhappy with your current job.  You feel hurt and misunderstood because you're not getting what you need at the moment.

As you can see from these example, these are hurtful experiences, but they're not, by themselves, reasons to end an otherwise good and stable relationship.  But, at the time, any of these experiences can leave you wondering, at that moment, how someone, who is usually loving and caring towards you, can be so unattuned to what you're feeling at that point in time.  You might say to yourself, "How can this be the same person who's usually so there for me and loves me?"

How You Respond to Your Partner Often Depends Upon Your Childhood History
How you respond to these occasional hurts often depends upon your childhood history.  So, on the one hand, if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a loving, nurturing home, you might feel hurt and annoyed at the moment, but when your spouse or partner apologizes for being so thoughtless, you'll  probably forgive him or her and make up, knowing that, as human beings, we all make mistakes.

Current Emotional Pain Can Trigger Emotional Pain From Childhood Trauma
On the other hand, if you had a traumatic childhood where there was a lot of physical or emotional abuse or emotional neglect, you might respond differently, especially if you haven't worked through your traumatic history.

For someone with an emotionally traumatic childhood history, even relatively minor slights can feel big.   This is because current hurts often trigger old hurts.  So, what happens is that you're not only feeling the emotional hurt from the present, you're also feeling the emotional pain from the past.  But it usually happens so fast that it's hard to distinguish the two feelings.

So, you often won't recognize that your emotional reaction contains the older traumatic feelings.  And your spouse or partner might not understand why you might be having such a big reaction to what's happening between you.  In turn, this can lead to more arguments and misunderstandings.

Getting Help in Therapy
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Whenever you're in a stable, intimate relationship, it can cut both ways where you feel loved most of the time and you feel some emotional pain occasionally.  This is a common experience.

But if you realize, once you've calmed down, that your reactions to occasional emotional misattunements are out of proportion to what's going on in your current relationship, you might be responding to unresolved trauma, and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome emotional trauma so that they could live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips For Overcoming Your Fear of Asking for Help

In the prior blog articles, I discussed why people are often afraid to ask for help and the consequences of either procrastinating with asking for help or not asking for help at all.  In this blog article, I'd like to offer some tips on overcoming your fear of asking for help.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

As I've mentioned before, shame is a major issue for people who are afraid to ask for help.  Usually, the shame originates from early childhood issues.  

Unfortunately, many children are made to feel ashamed when they ask their parents for help.  This is often unintentional on the parents' part.  The parents might feel overwhelmed or there might be many other reasons why they respond in a way that makes their children feel ashamed.  But the result is that the children grow up to feel ashamed and not entitled to ask for help.

Tips for Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Change isn't always easy, but you can try these simple tips to try to overcome your fear of asking for help.

• Recognize that Loved Ones Often Want to Help You: Your loved ones usually feel better if they can contribute to your well-being in some way.  By allowing others to help you, you allow the barriers between you to start coming down.  Rather than seeming aloof, you seem more approachable to your loved ones.

• Develop an Awareness of Distortions in Your Thinking: You might fear that others will try to manipulate and control you if you allow them to help you, but it's important to step back and really reflect on your thinking.  While this might be true for some people, in my opinion, it's not true for most people.  The important thing in trying to decide whom you can trust is developing good judgment with regard to the people you choose to help you.  Similarly, if you feel like you're going to burden others by asking for help, think about the times when others have asked you for help. Assuming you were able to help, didn't it make you feel good to help someone close to you?  Why would you think that a loved one wouldn't feel the same way towards you.

• Develop Reciprocal Relationships That Involve a Healthy Give and Take: Ultimately, one-sided relationships don't work.  If you're the only one doing the giving and the other person is doing all the taking, it's not going to work.  Healthy relationships involve both give and take on both sides.

• Start Small, If You Can: If it's possible, start by asking for help with a problem that's manageable rather than a big problem. Learning to accept help with smaller issues can help you to develop greater ease to ask for help with larger issues.

• Don't Procrastinate:  Ask For Help Before the Problem Gets Too Big:  Problems are often easier to solve before they become too big.  By the same token, it's usually easier to ask for help with a problem before it mushrooms into a much larger issue.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional
For many people, the fear of asking for help is so ingrained that the tips I've provided above aren't helpful.  They just can't get over their fear.  When fear and shame are so overwhelming that you can't overcome them on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, especially if fear of asking for help has been a lifelong issue.

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I've found that clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are often helpful to deal with the underlying trauma that is part of this fear and shame to ask for help.  While there are no quick fixes for trauma, I have found that both of these treatment modalities can be effective.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I've worked with many psychotherapy clients to help them overcome trauma so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.