The Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship

In my prior article, How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance, I discussed what you need to consider if you're thinking about getting back into a former relationship. If you haven't read it, take a look at that article (using the link above) before you read this article.

Assuming you have made the decision to get back with an ex, the current article discusses the potential pros and cons to a second chance relationship.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Second Chance Relationships

Under these circumstances, the two former partners decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the prior situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

What Are the Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship?

No two situations are alike, but here are some of the potential advantages and disadvantages of second chance relationships:

Potential Advantages

• Familiarity and Comfort: You're already comfortable because you know each other and you don't have to go through the "getting to know you" phase that you would with someone new.

Second Chance Relationships

• Existing Connection: You have a shared history and a foundation for the relationship which can create a strong bond.

• Mutual Growth: Both you and your ex had a chance while you were apart to grow, reflect on what went wrong the first time and become better versions of yourselves during your time apart.  

Potential Disadvantages

• Lingering Resentment and Pain: It can be difficult to let go of old resentments which can sabotage the relationship.

• Repeating Negative Patterns: Old habits and ways of being can be difficult to overcome. You and your ex might find yourselves repeating old negative patterns that caused the breakup the first time around.

Second Chance Relationships

• Difficulty Rebuilding Trust: If trust issues were the cause of the breakup the first time, these issues can be difficult to overcome. It would take work on to show rebuild trust.

• Lack of a Full Commitment: The familiarity and comfort can make it challenging to put in the effort to make a full commitment (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Lack of Growth Opportunities: By giving a former partner a second chance, you might be forgoing the opportunity to meet someone new and start a new relationship where you can grow.

What Can You and Your Partner Do to Try to Succeed in a Second Chance Relationship?

To try to succeed in a second chance relationship, both of you must be willing to make a commitment to:

• Identify and Address Past Problems: Take the time to sit with your partner and address why things didn't work out the first time. You and you partner need to address the root causes of the breakup and take responsibility for each of your roles in those issues. Avoid focusing on blame and focus on finding solutions.

• Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Discuss needs and expectations as well as dealbreakers. Work together to set these boundaries and expectations early in the reconnection phase to prevent misunderstandings and so both people can feel secure (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

• Commit to Personal Growth: Both of you must be willing to work on the behaviors that caused the breakup the first time. Focusing on personal growth is critical for the relationship to succeed.  

Second Chance Relationships

• Prioritize Open Communication: Prioritize open and honest communication. Take the time to check in with each other periodically to see how each you're doing. Discuss feelings, concerns, expectations. Each of you needs to feel heard and valued. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blame (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

• Rebuild Trust Gradually: If trust was broken in the past, it will take time and patience to rebuild trust. Focus on making and keeping small commitments and to showing a  commitment to change and reliability.

• Go Slow and Be Patient: Resist the urge to go back to where you were in your relationship in the past. Rebuilding connection takes time. Allow the time and space for the relationship to build gradually and naturally.

• Practice Forgiveness: Sincere amends and forgiveness are necessary to give a relationship a second chance. Holding onto old resentments will sabotage a new chance for the relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Focus on the Present and the Future: Assuming trust is being rebuilt and there have been genuine amends and forgiveness, focus on the present and the future without getting stuck in the past.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help If Needed: A couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to get through this complicated phase of the relationship. She can also help you to address unresolved issues and communication patterns.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance

Second chance relationships are common. Some studies show that nearly half of young couples and a third of cohabitating older couples get back together after a breakup. 

Second Chance Relationships

About 40% of couples who are going through the divorce process express an interest in reconciliation.

Let's start by defining second chance relationships.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Under these circumstances, the two former partners usually decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

How Can You Decide Whether to Give Your Former Partner a Second Chance?

It's important to assess the situation objectively before you give your former relationship a second chance.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Low Quality Relationships: An on again, off again relationship often has a poor chance of surviving a real second chance. 

• Trust Issues: Rebuilding trust can be a challenge, especially if the breakup was due to cheating, betrayal or other trust issues.

• A Toxic Relationship: If the relationship was abusive, a second chance is usually not advisable. Your mental, emotional, psychological and physical health are important.

Second Chance Relationships

• Non-negotiables: Think about whether there were non-negotiable issues the first time around.  For example, if one of you really wants to have children and the other is adamant about not having children, this is a non-negotiable issue if neither of you changes your mind. If those issues still exist, it's usually not advisable to give the relationship a second chance because you will both be dealing with the same issues you couldn't work out the first time.

• Learning From the Past: Have each of you taken responsibility for your share of the problems the first time around? If one or both of you hasn't learned from the mistakes of the past, it's unlikely that a second chance relationship will work out (see my article: Learning From Past Relationships).

• Forgiveness: Have you both learned to forgive the mistakes of the other from the first time around? Are you both capable of moving past the hurt and resentment from the past. If not, it's going to be challenging to have a second chance relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Commitment to Change: Each of you must be willing to make a commitment to change what didn't work in the past. That might mean each of you doing your own work on your personal growth so you don't repeat the same mistakes from the past.

• Making Sure You're Not Getting Back Together For the Wrong Reasons: If one or both of you wants to get back together for the wrong reasons, chances are that the relationship won't work out the second time. The wrong reasons can include: 

• Desperation or Loneliness: A second chance relationship might provide temporary relief from desperation and loneliness, but if you have the same relationship problems as you did the first time, it's probably not going to work out.  

• Fear of Being Alone: If one or both of you are getting back together because you're afraid of being alone, chances are you're going to face the same problems you did the first time. 

• Believing Things Will Change Without Making an Effort: If you or your former partner have convinced yourself that, somehow, the problems you had in the past will change without either of you making an effort, this is magical thinking and a second chance probably won't work out.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to put aside your emotions to evaluate whether or not a former relationship is worth giving a second chance. A strong wish to get back together can cloud your judgment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to evaluate the situation objectively so you don't put yourself at risk for another heartbreak.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to make a decision that is right for your emotional and psychological well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Challenges of the "Sandwich Generation": Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

The "sandwich generation" refers to adults who are raising their own children while taking care of elderly parents at the same time.  It's called the "sandwich generation" because these individuals are caught between their responsibilities for their children and their aging parents.

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

What Are the Challenges Faced By the "Sandwich Generation"?

Here are the most common challenges for individuals trying to balance their roles as caregivers for their children and their elder parents:

• Stress and Emotional Toll: Juggling these two major caregiving roles can lead to high levels of stress, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed.

• Role Reversal: The role reversal of taking care of parents can be emotionally challenging, especially as parents' health declines.

• Time Constraints: These individuals spend a good deal of time balancing their responsibilities for their children and their parents which can leave little time personal time (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

• Financial Strain: The cost of taking care of children and elderly parents can create a significant financial burden.

How to Cope With the Challenges

• Get Organized: Keep track of appointments, medications and finances to address stress and confusion.

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

• Don't Forget Self Care: Try to find time for self care. Make sure you get enough rest, eat healthy meals and get exercise at a level that is appropriate for you.  Also, try to find time to do activities you enjoy (see my article: Learning to Balance Taking Care of Your Own Needs and the Needs of Your Loved Ones).

• Communicate Openly With Family Members: If you (or you and your partner) are bearing the brunt of taking care of elderly parents, have an honest conversation with family members about your feelings and needs.

• Seek and Accept Help: After you have had an honest and open talk with family members, delegate certain tasks to them when possible. If that's not possible, ask them if they can help financially so you can hire a home attendant (see the clinical vignette below).

• Set Boundaries: Learn to say "no" to additional responsibilities and try to avoid taking on too much (see my article: Setting Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Look For Small Joys: Try to find moments of joy and connection with your loved ones--even in the midst in all you have to do. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how to deal with some of the challenges of being part of the "sandwich generation":

Dina

As the oldest of three daughters, Dina took in her elderly parents when they could no longer live on their own.  At the same time, she and her husband, Tom, were raising their two teenage sons.

When Dina was growing up, she was expected to take on responsibilities, as compared as the oldest child and her two younger sisters took on none.  Her parents expected her to do many of the household chores while her sisters were allowed to go out with their friends.

When she graduated high school, Dina attended an out of state college to get away from her family responsibilities and, after she graduated, she got an apartment with her former college roommates.

Years later, after Dina got married and she had children, she continued to help her parents, but after they could no longer live on their own, she felt obligated to take them in. 

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

Before her parents came to live with Dina and Tom, Tom urged Dina to talk to her sisters about helping out more. Tom had always been generous in helping Dina's parents, but he could foresee the toll it was going to take on each of them. Dina was so accustomed to taking on responsibilities as the oldest child that she didn't question whether her sisters should help and she didn't want to talk to them about it.

Their teenage sons helped out when they could, but they were busy with school, their friends, applying to college and sports, and Dina didn't want to rely on them or deprive them of what they needed and wanted to do.

Within a few months, Dina and Tom felt overwhelmed taking care of her parents. Dina wasn't sleeping well and she had very little appetite. She also stopped her usual self care routines--meditation and yoga practices because she didn't have time. She also stopped seeing her close friends. 

Tom also curtailed his outings with friends because he was trying to do as much as he could to help Dina. He was also concerned about his elderly parents who were independent at that point, but he didn't know when they would also need help.

One day when Tom came home from the grocery store, he found Dina in their bedroom sobbing. She looked stressed and worn out. When she saw him, she tried to dry her tears and act like she was alright, but Tom knew Dina had reached her limit.

Tom sat next to Dina and put his arm around her, "We need to talk to your sisters. I know what you're going to say--that as the oldest you've always been the one to take on all the responsibilities, but we can't keep going on like this."

At first, Dina insisted she could continue to take care of her parents, but she knew Tom was right, so they talked about how to approach her sisters.  

A week later, Dina's sisters, Paula and Meg, came over for lunch on a Saturday. At that hour, their parents were upstairs napping. 

Dina felt anxious and guilty. She felt she was abducating her responsibilities. She also anticipated that Paula and Meg wouldn't respond well to her asking them to help.

When Dina told her sisters that she was completely overwhelmed with taking care of their parents, she had to endure her sisters' silence and discomfort. Both sisters looked off in the distance and appeared annoyed.

Tom supported Dina in the conversation and told them that they needed to help.  Paula and Meg responded with many excuses about why they didn't have the time and couldn't help. Soon after that, they both left in a hurry.

Dina felt angry, resentful and sad after they left. She and Tom talked about what they could do next and they decided to have another meeting with Paula and Meg, but this time they would include a third party, a geriatric care manager, there to mediate their discussion.

Initially, Paula and Meg continued to make excuses for not helping at all. While they spoke, the geriatric care manager listened carefully and empathized with them.  Then, she tried to find a compromise where they could offer financial help so Dina and Tom could hire a home attendant for help.

Dina's sisters were so relieved that they didn't have to take their parents in that they readily agreed to offer financial help so Dina and Tom could have more time for themselves.  After that, Dina and Tom felt a lot less stressed because they had help and more time to themselves.

A few months later, Dina's parents decided they would prefer to live in an assisted living facility, so Dina and Tom went with them to see several facilities until they found one they liked and could afford.

After this experience, Dina realized she was so conditioned since childhood to take on most of the responsibilities and she had not learned to take care of herself.  

Once her parents were situated in the assisted living facility, she began therapy to work on this.  Her therapist helped Dina to feel entitled to take care of herself. Dina also worked through the sadness, anger and resentment she had been unaware of for most of her life.  

Conclusion

Being in the dual role of taking raising children and taking care of elderly parents is stressful and emotionally draining for most people.

Without even realizing it, you might be repeating lifelong patterns of doing too much and not taking care of yourself, as discussed in the vignette above.

In certain situations, there might be ways to help alleviate the stress if other family members are willing to help.  If not, you might be able to use the services of a geriatric care manager or someone who is outside the situation who can mediate family discussions to see if there is a compromise.

If you're able, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with the stress and emotional toll. She can also help you to overcome old behavioral patterns that keep you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Exploring F@ntasies With Romance Novels

In a previous article, What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?, I began a discussion about how romance novels fulfill certain emotional and psychological needs.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies with Romance Novels

In the current article, I'm discussing how romance novels can help you to explore fantasies whether you're single or partnered.

Many adults like to use erotic romance novels (also known as erotica) to explore their sexual fantasies. This includes people who are single and in relationships (monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships).

How Can Romance Novels Help You to Explore Your Fantasies?

There are many ways to explore fantasies including:

• Watching erotic films

• Watching ethical p0rn

• Listening to erotic audiobooks

• Sharing fantasies with a partner and listening to your partner's fantasies (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

In terms of exploring sexual fantasies, reading erotic romance novels provides a safe space for exploration whether you're single or partnered including:

• Fantasy Fulfillment: Erotic romance novels allow readers to experience scenarios they might not have experienced in real life (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Emotional and Sexual Exploration: Romance novels can provide an opportunity to explore complex emotions like: vulnerability, anxiety and desire.  Well written stories can give readers a chance to see complex emotions worked through.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

• A Low Stakes Environment: Since the writing is fiction, the reader can engage in imagining any type of fantasy in a safe way without pressure or judgment. If readers don't like a particular scene in the book, they can skip over it.

• A Catalyst For Communication: Reading about characters who communicate openly in their relationships about sex and sexual fantasies can provide inspiration, motivation and ideas for conversations with a partner (see my article: Talking to Your Partner About Sex).

Clinical Vignette 1:

The following clinical vignette explores how an individual can benefit from using erotic romance novels to explore sexual fantasies:

Jane

Jane had only ever been in one long term relationship. During the time of her relationship wiht Joe, she hoped Joe would be more open sexually, but he only liked one thing: Sexual intercourse missionary style.  

He wasn't open to exploring other positions or other sexual activities. Although Jane went along with it, when she realized she couldn't convince him to be more sexually adventurous, she realized she was bored with their sex life.  

After they broke up and Jane thought about dating again, she realized her sexual experiences were limited, so she watched ethical p0rn and explored erotic romance novels (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery and What is Sexual Self Awareness?).

Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Romance Novels

When she found passages in the stories that got her sexually aroused, she used those passages during solo sex (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

As she continued to explore sexual fantasies derived from romance novels, Jane began to feel more confident about her ability to talk to a new partner about what she liked to do sexually (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

When she got into a new relationship with Ed, she realized that Ed was much more adventurous than Joe had ever been. When she talked to him about her fantasies, he was eager to try them in real life.

Developing sexual fantasies through romance novels and exploring them with Ed was much more sexually satisfying for Jane.

Clinical Vignette 2:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how a couple who are in sex therapy can use erotic romance novels to explore their sexual fantasies and rekindle the passion in their sex life:

Nan and Bill

After 25 years of marriage, Nan and Bill had drifted into a sexless marriage.

When they were first dating, their sex life was new and exciting. They couldn't wait to see each other and they were both open to being sexually adventurous.  But over the years their sex life had become routine and their sexual repetoire was so limited that they always did the same things in the same way. Gradually, sex between them dwindled from once a week to once a month and, after a while, to less than once a year.

Nan tried to talk to Bill several times about trying to rekindle their sex life, but he felt too uncomfortable to talk about sex (see my article: Are You Too Uncomfortable to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Feeling frustrated and annoyed, Nan told Bill that since he wasn't open to talking to her about sex, she booked an appointment with a sex therapist so they could work on their sex life. Although Bill wasn't motivated to attend sex therapy, he knew he needed to overcome his discomfort with talking about sex to improve their relationship.

After their sex therapist met with Nan and Bill for a consultation, she met with each of them individually to get information about each of their sexual histories and family histories..

Then, she worked with them to help them to get comfortable with talking about sex. Nan was a somewhat more comfortable than Bill, but they both said that sex was a taboo subject when they were growing up and they learned about sex from talking to children at their schools.  Inevitably, since the other children weren't any more informed about sex than they were and sex education at their schools was minimal, they got a lot of misinformation.

Their sex therapist talked to them about expanding their sex script, but neither of them had any new ideas about what they wanted to do. So, she provided them with a list of sexual activities called a Yes, No, Maybe List in sex therapy. They both knew they wanted to remain monogamous and they didn't want to watch p0rn--not even ethical p0rn.

Since they were both avid readers, their sex therapist recommended that they explore sexual fantasies in erotic romance novels.  At first, they felt uncomfortable, but they agreed to do it.

Nan hadn't read a romance novel since she was a teenager, so she was surprised to discover that some of the stories had richer plots, more diverse characters, explicit sexual content and that the writing was generally better than romance novels from the past.

Bill had never read a romance novel in his life. He tended to read nonfiction books, like biographies of famous people, and he felt embarrassed to read an erotic romance novel.  He was glad he could download an e-book so no one would know what he was reading. He was sure his buddies would tease him if they knew.

Their sex therapist recommended they each find passages that got them turned on and read them aloud to each other. At first, both Bill and Nan told her they would feel too embarrassed to do that, but they agreed to try it.

Nan was the first one who found a passage in a story that she shared with Bill about bondage (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring BDSM?).  

The female character in the story tied up her boyfriend with silk scarves in a playful way and then touched him with a long feather, which got him turned on.

As he listened to Nan read the passage, Bill was surprised he was getting turned on because he had never even thought about trying bondage before. 

When he told Nan he might want to try being tied up with scarves, she was shocked too.

This was the beginning of Bill and Nan's sexual exploration and expansion of their sexual repertoire. As they tried new sexual activities, sex toys and different sexual positions, they both felt excited and happy.

Conclusion

Erotic romance novels can help you to explore sexual fantasies whether you're single or with a partner.

Along with ethical p0rn and erotic films, erotic romance novels are a safe way to explore fantasies for solo sex or partnered sex.

Whether you are single or partnered and regardless of your sexual orientation, if you are having problems with sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

 

How to Experience a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Changing Your Sex Script

 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Several years ago, while I was taking a writing course, I was surprised to find out that romance novels are a billion dollar industry which consistently outperform other fiction genres. 

In 2023, sales of romance novels in the United States reached over $1.4 billion. 

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novelshope,

After I found out that one of my favorite sex educators discussed romance novels as a way to rekindle passion in sexless marriages, this really piqued my curiosity to take a deeper dive into the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels.

It turns out that 82% of readers are women, but in recent years some men are also becoming interested in this genre.

The Popularity of Jane Austen Novels

Jane Austen, whose books were published in the early 19th century, became one of the first female authors who popularized romance novels. They also dealt with the social commentary and comedy of manners. 

In current times, Jane Austen's books, which include Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, to name a few, are now seen as part of the historical fiction genre.

Younger Readership and the Influence of Social Media

Over the years, the readership has become younger with a significant portion of readers in the 18-44 year old range.

Social media has also boosted the popularity of romance novels, especially #BookTok on TikTok, which has made this genre "cool" again.  Social media also boosts sales and also influences the type of romance novels published in recent times.

Subgenres of Romance Novels

Romance novels include many subgenres including:

• Contemporary
• Historical
• Paranormal
• Romantic suspense
• Erotic romance
• Fantasy
• Science fiction
• Young adult
• Inspirational 

What Are the Emotional and Psychological Reasons For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

Here are the most common reasons:

• Hope and Optimism: Romance novels provide an optimistic escape. The reader is assured of a happy ending. In fact, one of the hallmarks of romance novels is the "happily ever after" ending (HEA). Some books provide a "happy for now" (HFN) ending. The two characters who fall in love often have to overcome obstacles to be together, but the reader is assured that, by the end of the novel, the couple will be together.

Psychological Reasons for the Popularity of Romance Novels

• Emotional Intimacy: Since readers are given access to the characters' thoughts and emotions, they can experience a deep connection with the characters. This connection provides them with a vicarious emotional and empathic experience.

• Relatable Human Connections: Love, relationships and human connections are universal themes so they are relatable to most people regardless of their own relationship status.

• A Sense of Safety and Predictability: The understanding that there will be a happy ending (or happy for now ending) provides a sense of comfort and reassurance which is in contrast to real life where there is no such reassurance.

• Empowering Narratives: Many contemporary romance novels have strong, independent female characters who are relatable to female readers.

• Increased Representation: Over the years, the genre has become more inclusive with a wide array of backgrounds, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

• Female-Centered Stories: Romance novels tend to have female-centered narratives. In recent years stories about empowered women provide stories that are relatable to most women.

What Are the Social and Cultural Factors For the Popularity of Romance Novels?

In addition to the emotional and psychological reasons for the popularity of romance novels, there are also social and cultural reasons including:

• Community and Social Media: As previously mentioned, social media platforms, like #BookTox, have created massive communities where readers find new books to read together.

• Accessibility: Many romance novels are accessible in terms of format and length. This makes these novels easy to read and discuss with others.

• Affordability: Romance novels are often sold at a relatively affordable price. This makes them easy to purchase.

What is the Connection Between Romance Novels and Sexual Fantasies?

Romance novels and sexual fantasies are connected through shared themes of desire, fantasy and emotional fulfillment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

These novels act as a tool for readers to explore these fantasies in a safe context. They can also stimulation readers' imagination to explore new sexual activities while experiencing a sense of empowerment and and self confidence by relating to the characters (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

More about the connection between romance novels and sexual fantasies in a future article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

What Are. Ravishment Fantasies?

BDSM: What Does It Mean to Be a "Brat"?

What is Kinky Sex?

How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.