How Can Parts Work Therapy Help You to Be More Creative?

I've written about Parts Work, also known as Ego States Therapy and IFS (Internal Family Systems) before (see my article: How Parts Work Can Empower You)

Also see the articles listed at the end of this article.

What is Creativity?

People often think of creativity as being related only to art, writing and other artistic works.

What is Creativity?

But creativity also includes:

• Problem solving for day to day issues
• Scientific solutions
• Cooking
• Gardening
• Thinking of new ways to approach everyday tasks
• Finding new ways to deal with stress
• Finding new ways to communicate more effectively

And so on.

The list above is only a small fraction of ways to be creative (see my article: Reclaiming Your Creativity).

How Can Parts Work Therapy Help With Creativity?

Parts Work is a type of Experiential Therapy that helps you to get to know the many different aspects of your personality.

In other words, Parts Work helps you to get to know your internal psychological landscape from the inside out.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Parts Work therapy can be used in many different ways, including in Trauma Therapy. 

It can also be used to help you to access parts of yourself that are unconscious or disowned (see my article: Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

A psychotherapist who uses Parts Work can help you to discover the various parts of your personality so you can get to know these parts and use them creatively.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases and illustrates how Parts Work Therapy can be used to help with creativity:

Jane

Jane was having problems getting started with a book that was due to her publisher in a few months.

Every time she sat down to try to write, she felt blocked. Specifically, she felt overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and shame (see my articles: Shame is at the Root of Most Psychological Problems).

Struggling With the Internal Critic

When she spoke with her therapist, who did Parts Work, Jane discovered that her shame and feelings of inadequacy stemmed from a part that was an internal critic.

This internal critic developed in her childhood from being told by her father that she would never amount to anything (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

After working with this critical part, Jane was able to see that this part was keeping her emotionally blocked. 

Through her Parts Work therapy, Jane was able to ask this part to "step aside" with compassion so she could access the more creative parts of herself that helped her to open up new ideas for her book. 

Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Creativity

Her creative parts included a much freer playful part that helped her to play with ideas and freed her up to write.

As she continued to work in Parts Work therapy, Jane learned how to feel compassion for the internal critic part and that part was transformed into a source of strength.  

Once this occurred, Jane no longer had problems with writer's block.

Bill

Bill was given the task of coming up with new ideas for an old product at work. 

Initially, Bill was excited about the project, but every time he tried to sit down to draft ideas, he found himself getting so anxious that he would distract himself with social media or TV as a way to avoid doing the work.

Procrastination as Part of Avoidance

Knowing he couldn't procrastinate anymore, he sought help from a psychotherapist who did Parts Work therapy to overcome his problem.

Through Parts Work therapy, Bill learned that his anxiety was a protective part of himself that feared he would humiliate himself by doing a poor job with the project. His procrastination was related to this part of himself.

His Parts Work therapist helped Bill to realize this protective part stemmed from his childhood experiences in a family that was very risk averse.  

As a child, whenever Bill wanted to try something new, his anxious parents would come up with all kinds of reasons why it would be dangerous for him to try anything new.

By showing compassion to the protective part of himself in Parts Work therapy, he was able to get that part of himself to relax and allow more creative parts of himself which were curious and more adventurous to come to the surface.

These creative parts allowed him to approach his work project with new energy.

Parts Work Therapy Can Help with Creativity

When he presented his ideas to his team, Bill received a lot of praise from his manager and colleagues which also helped to disconfirm his fear that taking risks was dangerous.  He learned instead to be open to his creativity and present his work with pride.

Conclusion

Parts Work is an umbrella term for various types of therapies, like Ego States and IFS.

Parts are aspects of your personality.

Parts are often unconscious so that you aren't aware they're creating obstacles for you.

Parts Work therapy helps to make the unconscious conscious so you can to transform these parts into creative parts.

Many parts go back to childhood and might, at first, resist giving up their protective role. 

You can think of this dynamic as being similar to a defense mechanism which has been ingrained in you for a long time. 

No parts are considered "bad" and no parts are discarded. 

Instead, a Parts Work therapist helps you to find way to transform a part from being an obstacle to being a source of strength.

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy

If you're struggling with a problem you have been unable to resolve on your own, rather than continuing to feel stuck, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work therapy.

Parts Work therapy helps to free you from obstacles that are getting in your way so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles on Parts Work

How Are Therapy Cards Used For Self Discovery in Parts Work?

Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending as a way to ward off uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety or depression, can quickly lead to being over your head in debt, which can result in increased anxiety and depression.  

Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings

Overspending Can Become a Vicious Cycle With No End in Sight
Many people get caught in a vicious cycle of increased depressive or anxiety-related symptoms and increased overspending and debt, and they don't know how to get out.

Overspending and the Dopamine Rush

It's not just a matter of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. There's also a dopamine rush.  And the dopamine rush from indulging in overspending can be similar to the rush that people get with other impulse control disorder experiences, including drug abuse, sex addiction and gambling.  The dopamine rush itself is a powerful reinforcer for this cycle.

The problem with the dopamine rush is that it's short lived, so you have to spend again to get the next "hit."  This can fuel an endless cycle of overspending to ward off uncomfortable feelings, increased uncomfortable feelings and then increased overspending, and so on.

You Don't Have to Be in Serious Debt to Have a Problem With Overspending
You don't have to be thousands of dollars in debt to have a problem.  Just like the person who has a problem with alcohol, problems with overspending usually starts small and then become increasingly worse.

Ask yourself:
"Do I tend to go shopping or engage in other excessive spending when I'm anxious, depressed, angry or experiencing other uncomfortable feelings?

If you're honest with yourself and you detect a pattern, you'll admit to yourself that you have a problem and take steps to overcome this problem.

What Can You Do to Stop Overspending?

Acknowledge You Have a Problem
The first step to overcoming the problem of overspending, like any impulse control problem, is to admit that you have a problem.

Until you admit you have a problem, you're not going to be motivated to change.

Be Aware That Denial Can Be a Powerful Defense Against Admitting You Have a Problem
Denial can be very powerful, even when people are in serious debt.  Even after people realize they have a problem, they will often bargain with themselves by telling themselves things like, "This will be the last time I'll go on a spending spree."

Increase Your Awareness of Your Overspending Habits: What's Your Pattern of Overspending?
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step.  The next step is to increase your awareness of your particular pattern.

Everyone has a particular pattern of overspending, so you'll need to pay extra close attention to discover  your pattern.

Keep a Journal
I recommend keeping a journal.

Initially, until you can stop overspending, you might be writing about your spending habits after you've engaged in overspending.  The goal is to, eventually, get the point where you've become so aware of your overspending habits that you catch yourself before you give into the impulse to overspend.

You can set up your journal in whatever way works best for you.  One way that I recommend is to track what uncomfortable emotions came up and under what circumstances so that you can see what triggers the overspending (see details given below in the scenario about Ann):

Keep a Budget
People who overspend often have little to no awareness on how they spend their money.  Part of this lack of awareness is that the overspending is compartmentalized in their mind to keep themselves from feeling the discomfort of how serious their problem really is, which is a form of denial.

When you keep a budget by writing down how much to spend on each category and then track and write down what you actually spent, it can be a real eye opener.   And this can be the beginning of getting out of denial.

Attend Debtors Anonymous
Debtors Anonymous is a 12 Step program that helps people who have problems with overspending.  People who attend Debtors Anonymous meetings provide each other with mutual support.  If you go to the link above, you can find more information about this program and a meeting that is located near you.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how someone who was able to get help for her overspending problem:

Ann
When Ann first came to see me, she was in serious debt.  She came in because she and her husband were having marital problems because of her overspending.

Initially, Ann didn't think she had a problem with overspending.  She came because she was afraid that all the arguing between her and her husband would lead to a divorce, and she didn't want to lose her husband.  But she made no connection between their arguments and her spending habits.  She felt her husband was overreacting.

Denial was very powerful for Ann.  And, initially, when I asked Ann about her debt, her thinking became fuzzy so she couldn't remember how much in debt she was or the specific information about who she owed money to, etc.

So, I asked Ann to bring in her bills and credit card statements.  This was emotionally painful for Ann because, without realizing it, she was doing everything possible to avoid allowing herself to see how big a problem she had.  She also felt very ashamed.

With the information in hand, we were able to see that she was close to $100,000 in debt, which was shocking to Ann.  It's not that she didn't know this on some level but, until now, she kept herself from allowing this information from really sinking in emotionally.  And, as you would expect, the anxiety of allowing the information to sink made her feel like she wanted to go out and make an impulsive purchase to ward off her anxiety.

So, we worked on helping Ann to develop better coping skills because she was using the rush of overspending to ward off anxiety.  A big part of her developing coping skills, aside from getting more physical exercise and learning to meditate, was keeping a journal to track the triggers to her overspending.

Based on my recommendation on how to set up her journal to understand her pattern of overspending, Ann set up her journal with the following four columns:

• Date and Time
• The Trigger (or Precipitating Event):  What Was Going on at the Time?
• What Emotion Goes With the Trigger?
• How Did I Overspend?

Then, she wrote a narrative about how she felt about this incident of overspending.

When she first began writing in her journal, Ann was writing about the event after the fact most of the time because she was still struggling with her impulse to overspend.

Developing an awareness before she gave into her impulse was very challenging at first.

But even after she was more aware and she realized that she was about to give into the impulse, she would bargain with herself by telling herself that "this would be the last time."  Unfortunately, there were many so-called "last times" before she could get to the point where she could catch herself before she gave into the impulse.

Eventually, Ann was able to write in her journal when she got the urge to overspend and she learned not to give in most of the time.

The challenge after that was for Ann to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that were at the start of her impulsive cycles of overspending, and we did this in her therapy.

Learning to Cope: Developing the Capacity to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings
Since the impulse to ward off uncomfortable feelings is usually at the beginning of the cycle of overspending, developing an ability to identify them and the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings is an important part of the work in therapy.

During the course of a lifetime, everyone experiences loss, small trauma and, for many people, big trauma.  If, for whatever reason, you never developed the capacity to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, you can be at risk for engaging in impulsive behavior.  And if you're already engaging in impulsive behavior, it's harder to stop until you develop this capacity.

Getting Help
Along with attending Debtors Anonymous, many people have been helped by working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping people who have problems with overspending, especially when they're attempting to deal with their emotional triggers.

If you have problems with overspending, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.  Avoiding the problem will only result in the problem getting worse since, like most impulse control problems, problems with overspending is progressive and gets worse over time.

Getting help from a licensed therapist can help you to lead a more satisfying and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome their impulsive habits, including overspending, so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

Dating: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: Take Time to Self Reflect

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

Moving On When There's No Slow Burn

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to deal with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times

One of the biggest challenges for many people is developing mental and emotional calmness and balance during stressful times.  This is why it's so important to learn to understand and develop equanimity (see my article: Living a Balanced Life).

Developing Equanimity During Stressful Times

What is Equanimity?

Equanimity is defined as the capacity for calmness, composure and even-temperedness--even in highly stressful times (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The metaphor of a sailboat which remains upright in turbulent waters is often used to describe equanimity. The sails might sway in the storm, but they remain centered.

Staying Centered During Stressful Times

Equanimity doesn't mean passivity, indifference or resignation. It means finding your inner balance.

Equanimity also doesn't mean that once you have found your internal centered place that you won't take appropriate action to improve a stressful situation.

For instance, if you angry and disappointed about a particular social justice issue, you can participate in social justice activism for the equal rights and opportunities of all people and, at the same time, maintain a sense of equanimity (more about this below).

How to Practice Equanimity During Stressful Times

• Start With Self Awareness: When things go wrong or times are stressful, it's easy to get stuck in the Blame Game and point a finger at others. And, while it might be true that others have contributed to your stressful situation, you need to first be aware of how you're feeling and responding to the situation. There's a difference between responding and reacting (see my article: Awareness and Self Acceptance).

• Acceptance to Begin Wherever You Are: You can begin wherever you are mentally, physically and emotionally by accepting where you are right now in the moment. The concept of acceptance can be confusing, especially when you're in a highly stressful situation. Acceptance doesn't mean giving up, being indifferent or numbing yourself. Acceptance means that you acknowledge the situation and how you're feeling in the here-and-now. You're not stuck in the past or projecting too far into the future. Before you can get to a state of acceptance, you need to feel all your feelings internally. Then, if you need to express your feelings, do it in a calm and even way. If you can't do that in the moment, wait until you can. Then, you can be in the here-and-now whatever that means for you (see my articles: Welcoming All Emotions and Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Develop Ways to Calm and Center Yourself: Find ways to calm and center yourself that work for you. This could include grounding techniques, breathing exercises and mindfulness meditation.

Developing Ways to Calm and Center Yourself

• Take Constructive Action to Feel Empowered: If you're anxious or feeling powerless, find ways to take constructive action so you feel empowered. Being proactive might mean different things in different situations. It might mean you take constructive action to deal with your anxiety by walking or exercising at a level that's appropriate for you. It might also mean seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you're upset about a social justice issue, you might volunteer with a large advocacy group to feel you're making a difference and to be around other like-minded individuals (xee my article: Living Authentically).

• Recognize You're Not "Perfect": Although these steps are presented in a linear way, the reality is that you might go through these steps in many different ways because progress isn't linear. Progress is often more like a spiral than a straight line. So, you might become more self aware, accept how things are in the moment, calm yourself and take constructive action--only to find yourself temporarily stuck in your own inertia. If this is your experience, accept it and begin again--no matter how many times you have to remind yourself of these steps. Repeating these steps where you are in any given moment helps you over time to progress--even if you take two steps forward and one step back each time. Be kind to yourself (see my articles: Overcoming Perfectionism and Perfectionism and Shame).

• Get Emotional Support: Supportive friends and loved ones can help you so you don't feel alone. Even if you feel that talking about your situation might not make a difference, talking often makes a difference in relieving stress. 

• Get Help in Therapy: If the situation is beyond the support of loved ones or you want additional support, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the process while you develop the necessary tools and strategies you need. This can be especially important if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past.

Also see my articles:

Finding the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

For over 20 years, I have helped many clients to overcome painful and stressful situations so they can lead more fulfilling lives (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I want to focus on the relationship needs of mature women because I believe women's needs change over the course of their lifetime.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Relationship?

I also want to emphasize from the start that mature women (and women in general) are not a monolithic group who all want the same things, so I don't presume to speak for all women.

What I'm writing about is based on what women have told me over the past 25 years in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City.

What Does It Mean to Be Mature?

Different people might have varying definitions of what defines maturity.

From my perspective, being mature is not the same as being older. There are people who are older and who aren't mature.

Being mature, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or other identifying factors, includes (but is not limited to) the following characteristics:

• Honesty and Integrity Honesty and integrity is the basis for trust, which is essential for all relationships. This is why it's valued in relationships.

• Self Awareness: Being mature includes being emotionally and psychologically self aware, learning from past experiences and having a desire not to repeat old negative patterns.

• Respect: A mature individual respects others' perspectives even when they don't agree.

• Adaptability: Being able to adapt and change is part of being a mature person.

• Consideration and Discernment: Mature individuals are able to think and make decisions based on careful consideration using discernment skills.

• Balanced Personality: A mature person has developed a balanced personality. They can use their life experiences to learn and grow.

• Responsibility For Their Actions: Rather than making excuses for their behavior, mature individuals take responsibility for their actions and make amends, if needed and appropriate.

• Differentiate Self From Others: As people mature, they learn to differentiate themselves as individuals from their family, partners or friends. They have developed their own likes, dislikes, goals and dreams which may or may not be the same as their loved ones, but they feel confident in being an individual--even when it means being different from others.

• Emotionally Self Regulation: Although everyone has their moments of upset and overwhelm, a mature person can usually regulate their emotions and they are on an even keel most of the time. They have developed coping skills that allows them to regulate their emotions (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Empathetic: Although a mature person might not agree with someone else, they're able to feel empathy for others rather than being self centered.

• Emotional Vulnerability: A mature person is able to be emotionally vulnerable with loved ones because they understand that emotional vulnerability leads to greater emotional intimacy (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship).

• Openness to Sharing Feelings: Along with an ability to be emotionally vulnerable, a mature person has the ability to be emotionally open to share feelings.

• An Ability to Develop and Form Relationships: A mature individual has the ability to develop relationships among family members, romantic connections, friendships and work relationships. A mature person can also use their discernment skills to assess when certain relationships, including family relationships and friendships, might not be healthy for them.

• Healthy Boundaries With Others: A mature person feels secure enough to develop healthy boundaries with others (see my article:  Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship).

I'm sure you might be able to think of other characteristics of a mature person, but I think the ones listed above are among the most important ones.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Mature women who want to be in a monogamous relationship usually want a partner who is also mature and who has the characteristics listed above.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

Many confident mature women who want a monogamous relationship can be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner because they've been in other relationships and they know from experience what that they want and what they don't want. 

They also usually aware that time is precious and they don't want to waste their time with someone who doesn't have the characteristics they're looking for in a partner.

In addition, they also value: 

• An Evolved Personality: Most women want someone whose personality has evolved with their life experiences and who knows what they want or who, at least, is actively exploring this.

• Attentiveness: They want someone who is curious about their life, their interests and things that are important to them.

What Do Mature Women Want in a Partner?

• Emotional Attunement: They want someone who is emotionally attuned to them and who is an active listener.

• Emotional Validation: Even if their partner doesn't agree with them about an issue, mature women want someone who can validate their feelings. In other words, their partner might not have the same perspective, but they have the ability to be empathetic towards their feelings (see my article: How to Develop Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

• Interdependence: Many mature women also want a partner who has the ability to be interdependent as opposed to being codependent (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Autonomy and Personal Growth: Mature women often want someone who respects their autonomy and encourages their personal growth (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Can These Qualities Be Developed?

Many of these qualities can be developed over time. 

So, it's up to the individual people to decide if they see enough of the qualities in their partner to be happy with what already exists.  

However, many mature women want these qualities from the start because they know what they want and want someone who is developed in these ways.

Conclusion

Many of the qualities mentioned in this article are wanted by many people.

As previously mentioned, I think most mature women, regardless of age, are at a point in their lives where they know what they want in a partner.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

No relationship is perfect and many of the issues raised in this article are topics that are discussed in couples therapy (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Couples Therapy Can Help

If you and your partner are struggling, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to work through problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing, and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating Challenges: What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Although I know plenty of people who have met their romantic partners on dating apps, there are also many people who find dating apps to be discouraging.

Dating: What Should You Talk About?

In recent years many of my single clients have complained that dating has become difficult  within the last several years (see my article: Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?).

Why Has Dating Become So Difficult?

Many clients complain that the whole process is disheartening and fraught with problems (see my article: Why Do Some People Prefer Dating Apps to Meeting in Person?).

Assuming that two people make it through the initial stages and meet up for a first date, clients complain that the in person experience can be disappointing and awkward.  

Many of them say they're not even sure what to talk because the dating process has become more like a job search with people coming to the first date with many "interview questions" which is their approach to not wanting to waste time if their date isn't a potential match.

In general, these problems include:

• Technology: Dating apps have made dating impersonal for many people. Swiping through hundreds (if not thousands) of profiles can feel like you're in a highly competitive process, especially on dating sites where pictures are the main focus. No doubt dating apps also allow you to potentially meet many more people than you would in person (at least in theory), but many people believe the problems with dating apps outweighs the advantages.

• Know What You Want: Just like anything else, when you only have a vague idea of what you want, the dating experience can be disappointing. So, take some time to figure out what you're looking for (beyond looks) before you begin the process. You can also be reasonably flexible and take into account that you might click with someone who doesn't meet your full criteria because there are certain unexpected qualities you might like about them.

• Ghosting: The impersonal nature of dating also makes it easier to disconnect and disappear without an explanation. Many clients have said this is a regular part of their experience and ghosting has taken a toll on their mental health.

Dating and Ghosting

• Increased Risk: Since you don't always know who you're dealing with, there is an increased risk of being scammed or worse. If you set up a time to meet, always choose a public place. Even if you feel very lonely, don't fall for dating app scams where someone says they have fallen madly in love with you and declares you're in a relationship before you even meet as a way to set up instant intimacy. Then, inevitably, you get the message that they desperately need money for their father's medical bills and they ask you, as their partner, to send them money. You might think you wouldn't ever fall for one of these scams, but when you're lonely and you've had many prior discouraging dating experiences, it's easy to fall for a scam.

• Hook Up Culture: The combination of the technology, which is impersonal, and hook up culture, can create situations where people don't develop the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to be able to meet and date successfully. As a result, there might be a mismatch in terms of what each person wants. If you want to be in a committed relationship but the other person really only wants to hook up, you might be disappointed (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?)

• Loss of Control: Many people who use dating apps feel like they're being compared unfavorably to hundreds of other people on the site. This is often a fair assessment because some daters keep searching on the dating apps because they believe they can always find "someone better" if they keep looking. 

• Difficulty Figuring Out What Other People Want: Just because someone says they want to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that's what they really want. And, even if they want to be in a relationship, they might not want to be in the type of relationship you want. For instance, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, you might meet many people who want to be in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and vice versa. Being honest is so important to avoid disappointment and hurt feelings (see my article: What Are Your Dating Expectations?).

• Dating App Burnout: Many clients describe the process of using dating apps as  exhausting. Looking at so many dating profiles and having online conversations with multiple people can be overwhelming. People who use dating apps who don't experience burnout often say that they limit their time on the apps. They designate a certain amount of time and then they get off. They might even take off a few weeks when it becomes too much. 

What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Assuming you're able to navigate all the challenges involved with dating apps, another challenge is what to talk about on the first date.

Obviously, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but I think it's important to try to maintain an open and positive attitude while being discerning in the process.

Here are some tips you might find helpful for conversations on a first date:

• Be Curious: Instead of just talking about yourself, which is a common complaint among people who date, get curious about the person you're with. This doesn't mean asking them 100 questions. Instead focus casually on what you want to know about them.

What Do You Talk About on a First Date?

• Be Reasonably Open : While you're not going to share your whole life story or talk about all your exes or bad dating experiences, be appropriately open to talking about yourself in a way that let's your date know who you are. Keep it light. You can talk about your interests, hobbies, travel experiences, for instance, but try not to be so open that you're divulging things about yourself that will make your date cringe or make you feel embarrassed afterwards.

• Don't Dominate the Conversation: You want to be open and curious but, as previously mentioned, you don't want to engage in a monologue which will make your date look for the nearest exit. You're not responsible for carrying the whole conversation, so let your date take part in the conversation too.

• Feeling Awkward? You Might Say So: It's reasonable to feel a little awkward on a first date. Instead of pretending to feel more confident than you actually feel, admit to feeling a little awkward. This will probably take some pressure off you. It might also help your date to relax a little too because, chances are, they're feeling awkward too. By admitting this, you might even laugh about it and ease some of the tension.

Feeling Awkward During a First Date is Common

• Avoid Certain Topics: If you continue to date this person, there will be time to talk about certain topics that are important to you, but don't do it on the first date or too early on in the dating experience. Generally, topics to avoid include:
• Religion 
• Politics 
• Past Relationships
• Your Finances (or theirs)
• Your Traumatic Experiences (or theirs)

• Stick to Topics That Help You Get to Know Each Other in a Comfortable Way: For a first date, there are many topics that will help you to get to know each other without veering into cringeworthy subjects. These topics include:
• Travel
  
• Hobbies
• Special Interests
• Books
  
• Movies, and so on

• Don't Set Up False Expectations About Future Dates: You might realize that you and your date aren't a good match, but you might also feel awkward about how to handle this situation. There's an episode on "Friends" where Chandler dates Rachel's boss, Joanna. After the first date, he knows he doesn't want to see her again, but he doesn't know what to say so he tells her that he'll call her when he knows he has no intention of calling her. He just doesn't know how to handle that awkward silence at the end of their lunch date. Although it might be awkward, try to:

• Be polite and tactful

• Acknowledge what you enjoyed the date and getting to know them.

• At the same time, tell your date you don't feel a connection so you don't feel it will go any further. It can be awkward, but if you're polite and tactful, your date might appreciate that you're not going to waste their time.

Conclusion

Dating can be challenging, especially if you only use dating apps, as most people do these days.

A First Date: Keep It Light

Depending upon your circumstances, you might find it easier to use a combination of different ways to meet people including: meeting people through groups dedicated to your interests or hobbies, volunteering, asking friends about eligible single friends and going to other in-person events.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples on a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.