The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Heterosexual Women Have

Sexual insecurity is a common problem for both men and women.   In my prior article, The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities that Heterosexual Men Have , I focused on men's sexual insecurities.  

The Sexual Insecurities of Women

In the current article, I'm focusing on women's most common sexual insecurities.

The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Women Have

Women often seek help in sex therapy for many of the following issues:

• Insecurity About Weight: More than ever, women are bombarded in the media with culturally idealized images of women--specifically, white women. Based on these images, women should be white, young, thin, tall and beautiful. This creates a lot of insecurity and anxiety for most women who don't fit this image.  It creates so much stress that many women are undereating, over-exercising and spending too much time worrying about their appearance and whether they'll be sexually appealing for the male gaze (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

Body Image Insecurity

• Insecurity About Breast Size: Insecurity about breast size is part of problems with body image, but it's such a big problem that it deserves its own category. Most heterosexual women assume they will be more desirable with large breasts and, rather than being happy with their breasts, they worry about whether they should have surgery for breast augmentation. In reality, just like anything else, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so it's a fallacy that all men prefer large breasts. Also, focusing externally, rather than appreciating your body as is, is a psychological trap. In addition, bodies change over time as people age, so learning to accept your body will give you greater peace of mind.

• Insecurity About Their Vulva and Vagina: Also related to body image is the specific anxiety that many women have about their vulva and vagina. The vulva is the external female genital area. It includes the labia, clitoris, vaginal opening and the urethra. The vagina is the internal female genital area. It includes is a muscular canal that extends from the vulva to the neck of the uterus. Specifically, women worry about whether their labia are the right size and color and whether labia are uneven. In reality, labia come in all sizes, shapes, colors, evenness and unevenness.  And all of them are normal. Similar to male insecurities about penis size, pornography usually portrays culturally idealized images of vulvas. This sends the wrong message to women that if they don't have vulvas that look like the cultural ideal, they're not normal. This could result in women seeking unnecessary plastic surgery to get their vulvas to look like the cultural ideal, which has been happening more often in recent years.Women also worry that they smell during oral sex (cunnilingus), which can create stress during sexual activities if they're preoccupied with their scent instead of focusing on their pleasure. For many women this has been exacerbated by experiences with men who want to receive fellatio (oral stimulation to a man's penis) but who are unwilling to reciprocate.  Other women won't allow men to engage in cunnilingus because they have so much shame about their scent. Each woman has her own unique scent, which is normal. Women who are concerned about a strong scent that persists despite showering should consult with her gynecologist to rule out an infection.

Sexual Insecurities of Women

• Insecurity About Taking Too Long to Orgasm: Rather than focusing on overall sexual pleasure, many heterosexual women tell their sex therapist that they worry they're taking too long to orgasm during partnered sex. They worry that men will get impatient or frustrated with them. The more they worry, the more difficult it is to have an orgasm. Many women are especially worried that men will get impatient with them during cunnilingus (oral stimulation of the vulva). This problem can be overcome during solo sex (masturbation) with either digital stimulation or stimulation with a vibrator or other sex toy. This allows women to know what they like and how they like it,which they can then communicate this to their partner. Also, getting comfortable with being more embodied, instead of being stuck in your head, can help a lot. In addition, although it can be great to have an orgasm, focusing on overall sexual pleasure, instead of orgasms, can take a lot of pressure off women (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women and Why You Shouldn't Fake Orgasms).

• Insecurity About "Low Libido": In their book, Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences, the authors Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersey and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencill, make the point that desire discrepancy is relative to who you are having sex with. You can be in a relationship with someone where you're the higher desire partner and in another relationship where you're the lower desire partner. Also, many women who are falsely labeled as having a low libido aren't having sex that turns them on. They don't have low libido--sex with a particular partner just might not be satisfying for them.  So, as mentioned before, it's important to get to know what you like and don't like during solo sex so you can communicate this to your partner. In addition, TV, movies and other media tend to portray spontaneous sexual desire as being the norm. During spontaneous sexual desire, people are turned on immediately.  But, in reality, many men and women experience responsive sexual desire where they don't get sexually turned on until they have already begun sexual activities. So, if you experience responsive desire, it's often a matter of having the willingness to get started because you know you will get turned on. In addition, if there is a sexual desire discrepancy, just like any other difference in a relationship, it's normal for there to be one person who desires sex more than another. Desire discrepancy is the #1 issue that brings couples into sex therapy where they learn to negotiate these differences so both partners are satisfied.

Overcome Sexual Insecurity in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Heterosexual Men Have

As a sex therapist in New York City, I have seen many clients struggle with sexual insecurity. In fact, sexual insecurity is a common experience for many people at some point in their lives.  

The current article focuses on heterosexual men's sexual insecurities (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt).

The Sexual Insecurities of Men

What Are the 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities of Men?

• Fear of Rejection: Despite many positive changes in gender roles in the past few decades, unfortunately, the cultural expectation is still that men are the pursuers and women are the pursued, especially among traditional men and women. This places the burden on men to make the first move and risk rejection, which can create stress and anxiety. It also creates anxiety and frustration for women when they're in the passive role of waiting for men. With dating experience, over time, many men learn to deal with rejection, but many others never overcome this fear. They hope they'll be able to pick up on social cues from women who are interested, but these cues might be confusing or nonexistent in certain situations. If a man is especially fearful of rejection, he might feel his whole sense of self is on the line. Due to his fear, he might avoid taking the initiative--only to feel bad about himself later (see my article: Coping With Fear of Rejection).

• Fear of Not Pleasing Their Partner in Bed: There's an unfair stereotype of men being mostly focused on their own sexual gratification. This stereotype is amplified in most male-oriented pornography which focuses primarily on men's pleasure (the exception to this is ethical porn).  Although this might be true for some men, especially in hookup situations, many men worry about whether they're pleasing women in bed. And, while it's important not to be selfish in bed, the misconception that men are responsible for "giving" women orgasms puts a lot of pressure on both men and women. It also casts women in a passive role as if they're only the recipients of sexual pleasure and not capable of generating their own pleasure.  Unfortunately, many men also base their sense of masculinity and sexual self esteem on whether or not their female partner has an orgasm instead of whether she enjoyed sex.  If their partner doesn't have an orgasm, they feel inadequate.  In some cases, due to a man's existing feelings of inadequacy, he can become so worried about his partner's pleasure that he loses sight of his own pleasure,. This can lead to other problems, including erectile dysfunction (see my articles: What is Sexual Anxiety? and What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

The Sexual Insecurities of Men

• Fear of Having a Small Penis: Another common male insecurity is fear having a small penis. This is especially true of men who watch a lot of pornography and who compare their penis to the penises they see in porn. What many men don't know is that male porn actors are specifically chosen because they have unusually large penises as compared to the average penis, which is about 5.1-5.25 inches long. Fear of having a small penis also creates a lot of shame, which can affect a man's ability to initiate sex or create anxiety about maintaining an erection.  In reality, size doesn't matter with regard to sexual pleasure, and most women don't care about penis size. Also, even a man with a micropenis, which is about 3.67 inches or less, can be give and receive pleasure.

• Fear Related to Overall Body Image: Body image issues are usually associated with women. But, even though women are mostly the ones who are negatively impacted by unrealistic body images portrayed in the media, men are also affected by unrealistic images of having "six pack" abs or a muscular build, which often creates anxiety about taking off their clothes during sex.  Other body image insecurities can include hair loss, weight, height and so on.

• Fear of Erectile Dysfunction (ED): All of the above fears can result in problems with erectile dysfunction, which most men dread. The cause of ED is often psychological due to stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, alcohol consumption, smoking cigarettes, drugs and so on. There are also some medical problems, like diabetes, high blood pressure, prostate problems that can cause ED.  If ED, premature ejaculation (PE) or delayed ejaculation (DE) is a problem, a man should see a urologist to rule out any medical problems first and then see a sex therapist to deal with psychological issues. Erectile problems can also be a combination of physical and psychological problems so that a urologist and sex therapist would collaborate in treatment.

See my article: The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Heterosexual Women Have

Overcoming Sexual Insecurities in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

It's not unusual to have differences of opinion in a relationship, but when polarization becomes a problem, each of you become stuck in your position and there's no negotiation or compromise.

What is Polarization in a Relationship?

Let's start by first defining what polarization means in a relationship.

Polarization is a word that's often used today in politics where two political parties are far apart ideologically and unable to talk to each other to reach a compromise.

Polarization in a Relationship

A similar phenomenon occurs in certain relationships where each person has such a divergent view from the other that they're unable to meet in the middle or, in some cases, to even get out of their respective corners (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many cases with all identifying information removed, are examples of couples who are polarized but who find a way out of their dilemma by taking basic steps, which are identified below.

Vignette 1: Carol and Mike

When they were dating, Carol and Mike saw each other a few times a week and maintained their own Manhattan apartments for two years.

During the time they were dating, they rarely argued and, when they did, they would usually reconcile fairly easily.  But their problems with polarization developed once they moved in together.  

Polarization in a Relationship

When Mike's lease was up, he moved into Carol's apartment. They both agreed this was the most practical thing to do because his renewal lease on the Upper West Side would cost almost twice as much as Carol's rent stabilized apartment in Greenwich Village.

Initially, they were getting along well, but after a couple of months, they began arguing about how much time they were spending together (Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

Mike wanted to spend more time together than Carol, who wanted to spend more of her free time with her friends.  

Mike saw his friends occasionally to go to sports events or to play racquetball, but Carol saw her friends a few times a week for brunch and dinner.  Mike couldn't understand why she would spend so much time with them.  

At first, when they began talking about this issue, they were both willing to make some compromises.  Mike was willing to spend a little less time than he really wanted with Carol and Carol was willing to spend a little more time with Mike.

But the more they talked about it, the more heated their discussions became.  And the more heated their discussions became, the more determined each of them was to get it his or her own way.  This resulted in a standoff where neither of them wanted to see the other's perspective.

Vignette 2: Jane and Dina

During the first six months of their relationship, Jane and Dina were head over heels about each other.

A year into their relationship, they got an apartment together and they felt blissful for the next six months.  But soon after that, Jane, who maintained friendships with all her exes, wanted to have dinner with her ex, Susan--someone she was in a relationship with before she met Dina.

Polarization in a Relationship

Even though Dina knew Jane maintained friendships with her exes, she didn't give it much thought until the Jane said she wanted to have dinner with Susan. From Dina's perspective, once a relationship ended, she no longer wanted to have contact with an ex.  So, when Jane told Dina she wanted to have dinner with Susan, Dina felt angry and jealous, and she told Jane she didn't feel comfortable with that.

Initially, when they began talking about it, Dina and Jane were both open to trying to find a compromise.  But as their discussions turned into arguments, they both became polarized in their views and neither of them wanted to compromise.  

How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

The following tips can help if you're experiencing polarization in your relationship:

• Stop Seeing the Problem as "Right" and "Wrong": One of the problems with polarization is that each person feels they are "right" and the other person is "wrong."  Instead, see the problem as a difference of opinion with neither side being "right" or "wrong." As long as you're both stuck in seeing the problem as being black or white or all or nothing, you'll probably remain stuck.

• Wait to Talk About the Problem Until You're Both Calm: If the discussion becomes too heated, take a break and wait until you're both calm. If you try to talk about it when emotions are running high, it will be hard to find a compromise.

• Keep Moving Towards Each Other Instead of Away From Each Other: Instead of withdrawing and moving away from each other, move towards each other in an effort to find a compromise (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Finding a Compromise to Get Out of a Polarization Deadlock

In Vignette 1, once Carol and Mike calmed down, they stopped seeing the problem in such black and white terms.  After Mike explained to Carol that he missed her when she was out so much, she was able to reframe the problem in her mind.  Also, once Mike understood how important Carol's friendships were to her, he realized she relied on these friendships for emotional support and fun.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

The compromise they came up with was that instead of going out with her friends three times a week, she would go out with them twice a week and invite them over once a week and Mike would invite his friends too so they could all have dinner together. When they saw that everyone got along so well, they wished they had done this months before.

In Vignette 2, Jane and Dina talked it out once they were both calm. Dina assured Jane that she trusted her and, even though she didn't see why Jane would remain friends with her exes, she wasn't jealous of Susan.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

They reached a compromise where Jane invited Dina to have dinner with Susan and Susan's new girlfriend, Judy.  During dinner, Dina enjoyed herself and she realized that she genuinely liked Susan and Judy.  After meeting Susan, Dina could understand why Jane wanted to remain friends with her.  After that first dinner, the two couples went out together every few weeks. There were also times when Jane met Susan for dinner on their own and Dina no longer had a problem with that.

Conclusion

Polarization is a common problem in many relationships. 

If both people are willing to talk when they're calm, keep the lines of communication open, and move towards each other instead of away, they're more likely to reach a compromise.

Getting Help in Therapy

Some couples are unable to get out of their polarized positions.

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to navigate this difficult terrain so they can learn the necessary relationship skills to make compromises and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Polite Flirting Style

This is a continuation of my prior articles about flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's research and his book, The Five Flirting Styles.  

The Polite Flirting Style

Prior Articles

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they don't include the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

The Polite Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm discussing the Polite Flirting Style.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Polite Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Know you for a while before they ask you out

• Start flirting with you as if it's out of the blue after you have been friends for a while, which can be confusing--especially if you didn't realize they were interested in you before they started flirting

• Pay attention to what you say while they're getting to know you--before they ask you out 

• Be less assertive and aggressive, as a polite man, than some of the other men who have one of the four other flirting styles because they're being respectful

• Refrain, as a man or a woman, to become sexual when they're getting to know you

• Not comment on a woman's appearance, as a man, out of a sense of politeness

• Find direct flirting annoying

• Talk about their long term goals

• Follow traditional courtship rules 

• Be honest about their prior relationships

• Call or send a text after a date to say thank you or to say they had fun

• Be reliable and there for you when you need them

Men and Women

Women tend to be polite flirters much more than men.

The Polite Flirting Style

Both men and women tend to be cautious when they're interested in someone, which can lead to misunderstandings if they're too cautious because you might think they only see you as a friend.

Polite flirters can know you a long time before they think about letting you know they're interested and, even then, they might struggle to find the words to tell you.  Sometimes they need the assistance of a mutual friend to intervene to get things started.

The Polite Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

Polite flirters tend to take things slowly when it comes to dating, sex and love.

Both men and women often want to be in love before having sex because sex is important to them and not to be taken lightly.  They want to feel they have an emotional connection with you first.

If a polite flirter is flirting with you, it's more than likely they're interested in forming a connection with you rather than trying to get you into bed.

Relationships

Similar to the Traditional and Sincere Flirting Styles, once they get into a relationship with you, the polite flirter tends to be loyal. 

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Polite Flirting Style tends to be more common among people 40 and over.

The Polite Flirting Style

Dr. Hall indicates that this is probably due to people 40 and over developing a more mature ways of flirting, dating and being in a relationship.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The complementary flirting styles for the Polite Flirting Style are the 

• Traditional Flirting Style
• Sincere Flirting Style

The polite flirter has a lot in common with traditional and sincere flirters because their characteristics overlap in many ways.

What all three have in common is that--not only do they want to go slowly--they want to avoid the carefree sexual aspects of dating before you know each other.

It's not that they don't like sex.  It's more a matter that they tend to think it's crass to be sexual right away before you know each other.

Conclusion

This is the last in this series about flirting styles based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, when it comes to flirting styles, people don't usually fit neatly into a particular box.  Most people are a combination of flirting styles.

Being aware of your particular constellation of flirting styles can help you in meeting people, dating or entering into a relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Traditional Flirting Style

In the last several articles I've been focusing on flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

The current article focuses on the Traditional Flirting Style.

The Traditional Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they exclude the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Traditional Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Believe in traditional ways when it comes to romance

• Be polite

• Follow traditional rules when it comes to romance as well as in other areas of their life

• Rarely become romantically involved with their friends

• Make their dates or partners feel like they're in a fairytale romance

• Believe in traditional male and female gender roles 

• Hold open doors, pay for the check and pull out a woman's chair (if they are men)

• Hold back, behave reserved and want the man to be in the lead (if they are women)

• Believe that a little jealousy keeps chemistry alive

• Be predictable in terms of their courtship style

• Not to like change in general

Men and Women

According to Dr. Hall, women are much more likely to have the Traditional Flirting Style than men.

In terms of the prevalence of the Traditional Flirting Style among men, men are much more likely to be one of the other flirting styles. For men, the Traditional Flirting Style is in last place after the other four.

The Traditional Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

For many men who are traditional flirters, it's a "man's world." They expect to be the ones who take the initiative to ask a woman out, initiate sex and declare their love.  

Compared to men who are part of the four other flirting styles, these men would be uncomfortable if a woman took the initiative.  

The Traditional Flirting Style

Generally speaking, according to Dr. Hall, men who are traditional flirters value beauty in a woman, and women who are traditional flirters value success in men.

Traditional women tend to hang back, as opposed to taking the lead, when it comes to flirting because they're waiting for the man to take the lead. However, a traditional woman who is even more reserved wouldn't like the man to flirt with her, according to Dr. Hall.

Since, as a group, traditional women don't feel comfortable flirting, they can find it difficult to get a man's attention.  This can make it challenging for these women to meet men--unless they're thrown together in college or at a social event with friends.

Dr. Hall says that traditional men are generally looking for women who are demur, passive and subtle.

Many traditional men will wait a long time before they approach a woman.  They usually want to establish a respectful and cordial relationship with a woman first.  

This can make it difficult for a woman to know whether or not he's interested.  Then, these men often assume they have to work to get a woman interested in them.

A traditional man often waits until a relationship is established before he flirts with a woman.  

Traditional men and women might rely on friends to help them to meet and get started in their courtship.

Traditional men and women often have conservative ideas about sex.  Many of them believe that sex should take place within a committed relationship, preferably a marriage.  They also tend to have fewer sexual partners.

It's not unusual for there to be a double standard with regard to men and women and sex: Men are allowed to have casual sex with women they don't want to be in a committed relationship with, and women would be demeaned if they did the same thing.

However, Dr. Hall also indicates that about 20% of women who responded to his survey said they had sex with a man they were interested in to try to get a relationship going.  This is likely due to the fact that they consider sex and relationships to go together, so if they are having sex with a man, they feel it means the relationship is progressing.

Relationships

According to Dr. Hall, traditional men and women tend to be committed partners when they're part of a relationship.

Devoted Traditional Partners in a Committed Relationship

Based on his research, Dr. Hall indicates that traditional men and women are 20% less likely to flirt with someone else when they're in a committed relationship.

Complementary Flirting Style

The Traditional and the Polite Flirting Styles are complementary to each other (more about the Polite Flirting Style in a future article).

Dr. Hall indicates that these two styles are often confused for each other because the traditional flirt is polite and the polite flirt is traditional.

Conclusion

The traditional flirts tend to have definite ideas about traditional gender roles.

Their way of flirting often appeals to other people who are also traditional. It works for them, but it can be off-putting to others (just like any of the other flirting styles).

Traditional men might be slower to approach a woman they're attracted to, but if it works out, they're less likely to stray, according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and a Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Five Flirting Styles: The Sincere Flirting Style

In the current article I'm focusing on the Sincere Flirting Style, as described by author and researcher, Dr. Jeffrey Hall, which is the most common of the five flirting styles.

The Sincere Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The information for this article comes primarily from Dr. Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As mentioned in my earlier articles, I see Dr. Hall's Five Flirting Styles as heteronormative. Although it applies to heterosexual men and women, I see aspects of these styles that could apply to people who identify as LGBTQ.

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

What Does Sincere Mean?

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, sincere means: 

• Wholehearted
• Heartfelt
• Hearty
• Genuine

It also means the absence of hypocrisy, feigning or any falsifying embellishments or exaggeration.

What is the Sincere Flirting Style?

Many people think of flirting as being insincere, but people who use the Sincere Flirting Style want to make a genuine connection with you.

The Sincere Flirting Style

The sincere flirting involves using flirting as a way to create an emotional bond.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Sincere Flirting Style?

Sincere flirters tend to:

• Want to an emotional bond, which is usually different from the Playful Flirting Style where flirting is mostly about fun and games

• Be interested in you emotionally as opposed to just a sexual interest

• Want the emotional connection first before the sexual connection

• Enjoy deep conversations as opposed to superficial chatter

• Have interesting things to share with you about themselves 

• Prefer to be themselves, which generally makes them honest

• Ask you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested in getting to know you

• Remember important details you told them about yourself

• Disclose important information openly and appropriately about themselves as a way for you to get to know them and their personal disclosures tend to be of an emotional nature

• Be positive, friendly, warm and kind as well as outgoing and fun

• Be creative and open to new experiences, including travel

• Try to figure out if you share similar interests when you're on a date and getting to know each other

• Enjoy having you flirt back with them--although they can sometimes get embarrassed or shy if you compliment them

• Not approach in a physically aggressive way; however, if they sense you're interested, they're usually not opposed to using physicality in an appropriate way (leaning closer to you) as a way to get the message across that they're interested. This is different from the Physical Flirting Style who tend to use touch and physicality in a sexually suggestive way.

• Not date multiple people at once if they're interested in getting to know you and you're forming an emotional connection with each other

• Back off when they sense you're not interested--unlike more manipulative, aggressive types

Men and Women

As mentioned earlier, the Sincere Flirting Style is the most common flirting style.  It's used by both men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, women tend to have a more developed Sincere Flirting Style than men.  

In addition, Dr. Hall indicates that women tend to prefer when men engage in this style of flirting if they're interested in getting into a relationship.

Based on Dr. Hall's research, emotional self disclosure, when it's done appropriately without oversharing, is usually rated high as a way to connect emotionally and it's the least phoney way of flirting. It's also the most effective to create emotional bonds.

All Ages

Dr. Hall's research indicates that the Sincere Flirting Style applies to all age groups from young to mature.

The Sincere Flirting Style

What About the Stereotype of "Nice Guys Finish Last"?

According to Dr. Hall, how women feel about nice guys depends on what they're looking for, their age and maturity level.

If they're young and looking for casual sex, they would probably prefer the man with the Physical Flirting Style.

If they're more mature and ready for a commitment, they're more likely to be interested in the guy with the Sincere Flirting Style because he has the maturity and qualities they're looking for in a committed relationship.

So, like many stereotypes, when it comes to forming a lasting bond with someone, the stereotype of "nice guys finish last" is false.

Conclusion

Most people are a combination of flirting styles and, even within a particular flirting style, there's a spectrum.

It's important to know what you want when you're dating so you can focus on the type of person that suits your interest.

The Sincere Flirting Style is usually the most appealing for people who want to form a sincere emotional connection with someone.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.