Finding Your Sexual Voice

This article will focus on what it means to find your sexual voice and discuss the steps you can take to develop this part of yourself (see my articles: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping).

This article is focused mostly on heterosexual women because they often have problems with their sexual voice.  But this article is also relevant for heterosexual men and LGBTQ folks.

Finding Your Sexual Voice

What Does It Mean to Develop Your Sexual Voice?

Finding your sexual voice includes:

• Being in touch with your sexual desires and sexual curiosity (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Many Women Sexually Turned On?

• Knowing what you want sexually (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self)

• Being able to communicate what you like sexually and what you might want to explore with your partner (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Are the Benefits to Developing Your Sexual Voice?

Developing your sexual voice to communicate your needs to a partner is usually an empowering experience if you're with the right person (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

Many heterosexual women have difficulty expressing their sexual desires because they've been conditioned to repress these sexual expression.  They might have been raised to believe that men should take the sexual initiative and women should be passive about sex.

In addition, based on sex research, most women experience responsive sexual desire, which means that they don't necessarily feel sexually turned on until they start having sex.  So, they're often unaware of what turns them on.  One possible way to overcome this problem is to look back on previous peak erotic experiences (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator, about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire where they're mentally aware of desiring sex which gets them physically turned on.

Even for heterosexual women who are in touch with their sexual desires, expressing their desires can feel too emotionally risky for many of them. Shame and worry that they'll be labeled a "slut" is an issue or that male partner might feel threatened if they are sexually assertive.

So, instead of expressing their sexual desires, they focus on pleasing their partner and put their own sexual needs last.  This is often due to the fact that many women are raised to be "people pleasers" so they focus on pleasing other people, including their sexual partners, instead of focusing on their own needs.

This can be especially problematic during casual sex when a heterosexual woman's partner might also be focusing only on his own sexual needs.  Then, both the man and the woman unknowingly collude in making sex an unsatisfying experience for the woman (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Another issue is that many heterosexual women expect their partner to know what they want sexually without telling them, but their partner might be completely unaware of what they want.  Or their partner might assume that, in the absence of feedback from the woman, whatever they're doing is sexually satisfying when, in fact, it might not be.  

As a result, many of these women end up feeling sad, angry and resentful that their sexual needs aren't being met.  But this doesn't have to be the case as you'll see if you keep reading.

Why Is It Difficult to Find Your Sexual Voice?

Finding and using your sexual voice can be difficult, especially for women, in a society that emphasizes many false and unhelpful messages about sex, including:

• Sex only involves penis in vagina (PIV) for heterosexual couples

• Hard and fast sex is the only sex that is fun

• Sex should be performative and always ends in orgasm

• A cultural stigma that still exists against heterosexual women being sexually empowered

Let's explore each one of these issues:

    Sex Only Involves Penis in Vagina (PIV) For Heterosexual Couples:

Penis in Vagina (PIV) is also referred to as penetrative sex. 

Many individuals and couples have a limited definition of sex, which involves only PIV for heterosexual people. This is the message received in movies and TV programs.  In addition, sex education is generally so poor in the United States that many adolescents and adults never learn anything beyond PIV sex--if they even learn about that.

While there's nothing wrong with PIV, there are many more ways to have sexual pleasure and enjoy yourself, including kissing, erotic massage, oral sex and much more.  It's all a matter of using your imagination and being able to communicate what you want so you can expand your definition of sex.

In addition, some people don't like PIV.  For many people PIV becomes too goal oriented and adds too much pressure to sex.  In fact, many heterosexual women don't orgasm from PIV.  They prefer clitoral stimulation instead--either alone or in addition to PIV (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Script).

    Hard and Fast Sex is the Only Sex That is Fun

Once again, in addition to mostly showing PIV sex, TV programs and movies usually portray sex between two people as being hard and fast ending in simultaneous orgasm for both people.  But while hard and fast can be fun for some people at times, other people prefer slow, loving and sensuous.  They prefer to ease into sex with touching and kissing.  Or some people alternate, depending upon their mood, between with wanting hard and fast and wanting slow, loving and sensuous.  So, there's no one-size-fits all (see my article: 

In addition, hard and fast sex places a lot of pressure on a heterosexual couple.  For men, hard and sex becomes anxiety-ridden performative sex, which can create problems with erectile dysfunction.  For women, hard and fast sex isn't always sexually satisfying. They feel the pressure to appear as if they've had an orgasm.  This leads to many women faking orgasm, which is a problem in itself because their partners don't learn what these women need to feel sexually satisfied.

    Sex is Performative and Always Ends in Orgasm

There are many reasons for having sex aside from deriving sexual pleasure.  For instance, many people feel the most emotionally and intimately connected with their partner when they have sex.  

Assuming you want to have more emotionally and physically satisfying sex, it's a good idea to move away from the idea of sex as a performance, as I mentioned above (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

This also means that sex between you and your partner might not always end with an orgasm, but this doesn't mean that the experience wasn't pleasurable.  It's a matter of expanding your sexual repertoire to discover what is pleasurable for both of you.

    A Cultural Stigma That Still Exists Against Heterosexual Women Being Sexually Empowered

Unfortunately, there's still a cultural stigma in Western society against heterosexual women being sexually empowered.  In fact, women seem to lose either way--if they're sexually assertive, they're labeled as "whores" or "sluts" and if they're passive, they're labeled as being "frigid."  So, heterosexual women get mixed messages about being sexually empowered.

In addition, many women take their social cues about from social media where women are often objectified.  This results, in turn, in women objectifying themselves.  

Heterosexual women can't change this on their own. It's up to everyone to be aware of this stigma and create a culture that embraces all women's sexuality--whether they're heterosexual, lesbians, bisexual women or trans women.

How to Learn to Voice Your Sexual Curiosity and Desires

For many people talking about sex is fraught with problems--even when they're trying to communicate their sexual desires to a loving partner in a committed relationship. 

Finding Your Sexual Voice

People, especially women, are often overcome with shame when they try to talk about sex.  Often this is because they never learned how to talk about sex and/or they don't know what they like because they've never engaged in their own sexual self exploration.

Finding Your Sexual Voice

• Understanding Your Motivation For Sex: Your motivation for sex can vary at different times and with different people.  If you're feeling sexually turned on, you might just want to have fun.  In other words, sex doesn't have to be loving and tender--it can be lusty and exciting or it can be both--depending upon what you want.  Sex should never feel obligatory or forced on you.  

Letting Go of Goals

• Stop Approaching Sex in a Goal-Oriented Way: Sex between you and your partner isn't always going to end in simultaneous orgasms for both of you.  It's possible that neither of you will have an orgasm at times and, rather than being disappointed, consider the other pleasurable aspects of having sex. The pressure to achieve sexual goals is often a barrier to pleasurable sex. So, instead measuring sex based on a goal, focus on sexual pleasure for you and your partner.  In addition, become aware of your own and your partner's erotic blueprint so you can have more enjoyable sex.

• Become Aware and Attuned to Your Own Sensations: While it's important to be attuned to your partner, if you don't know what turns you on sexually, you need to take time on your own to focus on yourself.  This can mean different things to different people.  In my prior article I provide suggestions on how to discover what is sexually pleasurable for you. In addition, keeping an erotic journal can help you to become more aware and attuned.

Communicating With Your Partner

Once you're aware and attuned to your own sensations, what you like sexually, and what you're curious to explore, you can communicate with your partner.

Communicating With Your Partner

As I mentioned earlier, talking about sex can be difficult for many people.  

If you have difficulty talking about your sexual desires, you and your partner can practice talking about your sexual fantasies or, if that's too difficult, watch erotic films or porn to discover what you both might enjoy (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many people have problems discovering their sexual voice due to a variety of unresolved issues, including sexual anxiety, a discrepancy in sexual desire between partners, a history of sexual abuse, painful sex, shame and guilt and a variety of other sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can overcome the obstacles keeping you from having pleasurable sex.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

    

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

The term "pleasure mapping" was coined by Sex Educator Kenneth Play.  

Pleasure mapping can be done on your own if you want to discover for yourself what you like sexually or it can be done with a partner (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Pleasure Mapping For Sexual Self Discovery?

There are many individuals who have difficulty answering the question, "So, what do you like?" when they're with a sexual partner because they haven't taken the time to get to know what gives them sexual pleasure.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

Pleasure mapping is a way to discover what gets you sexually aroused without the pressure of doing this in front of a partner if you don't feel comfortable at this point and without the pressure of trying to have an orgasm (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

What's the Difference Between Sexual Arousal and Desire?

Sexual arousal is when your body feels turned on.  Sexual desire is when you feel mentally turned on.

People who experience spontaneous sexual desire tend to feel turned on mentally first.  They think about sex and they're turned on physically.

People who experience responsive sexual arousal often don't feel turned on at first by thinking about sex, but once they get going physically, they usually feel sexual desire mentally as well as physically.  

Pleasure mapping can be good for everyone, and it's especially good for people who tend to experience responsive desire to set the mood and get themselves physically turned on so they feel sexual desire.

A Simple Guide to Pleasure Mapping

• Set Aside at Least 30 Minutes of Uninterrupted Private Time: In order to explore your sexual turn-ons, you need time and privacy.  

• Set the Mood: Context is important so choose a place in you home where you'll be comfortable and you can relax. Set the atmosphere with your favorite soothing music--whether it's sultry jazz, rhythm and blues or whatever you like to put you in a sexy and seductive mood.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

• Collect Items That Will Aid You in Your Sexual Exploration: What feels sensuous to you? Maybe you like massage oil, your favorite moisturizer, a silky cloth, feathers, leather or whatever turns you on. You'll also want to have a hand mirror, notepad and pen, and possibly your favorite fruit (grapes, strawberries or whatever you like to eat) or something else that's pleasurable to eat.

• Dim the Lights or Light Candles: Sitting or lying down under dimmed lights or candlelight can help you to relax.

• Breathe to Relax: Square Breathing can be relaxing. You can also try this type of breathing: Inhale in the count of 4, hold for 4 and exhale slowly to the count of 8.  Do this several times until you feel tension melting away.

• Do a Body Scan: See my article: How to Do the Body Scan

• Mindfully Touch Yourself: Once you feel relaxed, close your eyes and place your hands on the crown of your head. Allow your hands to move very slowly down your body to sense where you feel pleasure. Go beyond exploring the erogenous zones that you're already familiar with and become aware of what feels good. You might discover certain areas of the body, aside from the ones you already know, that start to turn you on. If you prefer, you can use massage oil to slowly explore your body all over.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, remember you're doing this privately and no one needs to know. 

• Spend Time Touching Your Erogenous Zones: If you've discovered new erogenous zones that you were unaware of before, spend extra time touching those areas gently. Remember: This is a non-performative exercise, so you're not trying to have an orgasm. You're learning what it's like to discover sexual pleasure for yourself.

• Use Your Mirror to Explore Your Genitals: Explore your genitals and use your hand mirror to discover what you look like. Take your time to observe in a gentle and nonjudgmental way.  You're not masturbating at this point.  You're just looking. Do your genitals look different when you're sexually aroused and when you're not?  What else do you notice?

• Take Notes: After you have explored your body with touch, massage or how ever you explored your body, take notes:
• What felt good?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What type of touch did you prefer?
• What parts of your body turned you on?
• Did you discover new erogenous zones? What were they?
• What did you like about pleasure mapping?
• What didn't you like?
• What added to your sexual experience?
• What would you like to try again in the future?
• What new areas would you like to explore?

Pleasure Mapping Can Enhance Your Sexual Self Esteem

See my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With a Sexual Partner

The advantage of doing pleasure mapping on your own is that you discover for yourself what gives you pleasure. You're not relying on a partner, who might not know what you like, to get you turned on. 

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With Your Partner

Pleasure mapping on your own can be sexually empowering.  You have control over what you do, how you touch your body, what you're using to get yourself in the mood, the type of pressure you use with your touch, and so on.

Sharing what you've discovered about your sexual pleasure with a partner can provide both of you with pleasurable experiences. If you're with a romantic partner, it can also bring you closer together.

Keep an Erotic Journal

Keeping an erotic journal is a good way to help you build sexual self awareness and keep track of what is sexually pleasurable to you (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's not unusual for people to feel sexually blocked for a variety of reasons.

If you're having problems sexually, you can work with a skilled sex therapist who can help you to discover and overcome whatever blocks are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy sessions are for individual adults or couples (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a meaningful and pleasurable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

In my previous article, What Are the Telltale Signs of Serial Cheaters?, I focused on the signs that identify people who cheat over and over again.  The prior article was intended mostly for people who are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating.

The current article is intended for people who are cheating on their partners and who want to stop (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

What is Cheating?

Cheating, which is also known as infidelity, is a form of betrayal.  

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Cheating occurs when someone in a monogamous relationship has an emotional affair and/or a sexual affair with someone else without their partner's consent.

Unfortunately, cheating is common.  Research surveys have identified approximately 1 in 5 people who admit cheating--and those are only the people who admit to cheating, so that number might actually be much higher.

The definition of cheating is highly subjective.  Two people in a relationship might have completely different ideas about what cheating would be, and people often don't find out until one of them calls the other out for cheating.  

The list below includes activities that individuals in relationships in my private practice over the years have defined as cheating (Note: All of the items on the list aren't necessarily my definition of cheating). 

This list shows how subjective the definition of cheating is for many people:

• Watching pornography secretly without the other partner's knowledge
• Flirting with other people
• Maintaining a codependent relationship with an ex that interferes with the current relationship
  
• Having a separate close friendship without including the other partner
• Having an emotional affair
• Having secret sexual fantasies that aren't revealed to the other partner
• Sexting with other people without the other partner's knowledge or consent
• Refusing to allow a partner to see email, texts or phone messages due to secret affairs
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret social media accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret bank accounts or credit cards for the purpose of affairs (also known as financial infidelity)
• Engaging in secret cyber affairs
• Having secret in person sexual affairs 

I'm sure you could probably come up with other forms of cheating, but these are the most common ones I hear about in my New York City private practice.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

The reasons why people cheat vary from individual to individual, including: 

• anger towards the partner
• wanting revenge against the partner
• problems with compulsive sexual behavior
  
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• fear of commitment 
• low self esteem
  
• abuse
• unresolved psychological trauma from the past
• narcissism
  
• selfishness
• unrealistic relationship expectations

I discussed some of the reasons why people cheat in prior articles, and there are many more reasons:       

Cheating as a Way to Avoid Problems in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Living a Double Life: Infidelity

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Sexually Desirable

12 Telltale Signs a Man is a Womanizer

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner

• Reassess Your Behavior and Your Long Term Goals: Cheating can occur without much thought. Often it's a matter of giving into an impulse or an attraction without much reflection on how it would affect your life. By reassessing your personal and relationship goals, you can think about how cheating will affect those goals.  For instance, if one of your goals is to be an honest person who has integrity, then cheating doesn't fit in with that goal.  Or, if you want to have children with your partner, bringing a child into an unstable relationship due to your infidelity doesn't fit in with that goal.  Stop and think about the impact cheating can have on who you want to be as an individual and what you want in your relationship and in your life.

Reassess Your Behavior and Your Goals: What About Integrity?

• Ask Yourself the following questions and consider your answers:
• How do you feel about your partner and your relationship?
• How do you feel about being in a monogamous relationship?
• If you're unhappy with monogamy, are you interested in a consensual nonmonogamy and is this something you can discuss with your partner?
• Are you so unhappy in your relationship that you want to end it. Although it can be difficult, it's better to be honest with your partner than to cheat.

• Identify the Reasons You Cheat: There is never a good reason for cheating, but there might be conscious and unconscious factors that contribute to your infidelity, including:

• You're avoiding problems in your relationship.
• You're unhappy in your relationship and you're hoping your affair will end it so you don't have to be proactive about breaking up.
• You want to punish your partner.
• You like the excitement you feel and how you feel about yourself when you have an affair with new people.
• You have problems with impulse control so that you get involved with people outside your relationship without much or any thought beforehand.

• End An Affair: Whether it's an emotional, romantic or sexual affair, take steps to end the affair in a way where you make amends and have closure with your partner(s).  
• Don't ghost them or cut them off.  
• Talk to them about what you appreciated about them and tell them you want to focus on your relationship now.
• Make amends if you were stringing them along with the promise of developing an exclusive relationship with them.  
• After there is closure, which shouldn't be dragged out, end contact.  If you maintain contact, you're likely to go back to them.

• Stop Any Other Behavior That Leads to Cheating: Whether it's flirting, sexting or any other behavior you have identified as leading to infidelity, stop engaging in that behavior.  

• If You Have Decided to Remain With Your Partner (assuming your partner wants to remain with you): 
• Take steps to repair the hurt and pain you caused to your partner by asking your partner what they need from you to heal.  This might involve a period of time when your partner needs to be on their own (without you) to think about what they want to do.  Respect that.  
• Make a commitment to be transparent with your partner, which includes allowing your partner to have full access to your phone, computer and other technology.
• Know that it will take a long time, if ever, to fully regain your partner's trust.
• Get into individual therapy to help you during this challenging time and also to understand and overcome underlying reasons for your infidelity. This can help you to make lasting changes so you don't cheat again. 
• Get into couples therapy with your partner to work on repairing the relationship.

• If You Have Decided to Leave Your Partner: If you realize that part of the reason for your infidelity was that you weren't admitting to yourself or your partner that you're unhappy with the relationship and you want to leave:

• Communicate empathetically with your partner face-to-face (no email, no texts or voicemail).
• Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship.
• Be emotionally attuned to your partner and be willing to listen to their expressions of hurt and pain (this is part of your taking responsibility).
• Consider couples therapy to end the relationship amicably, especially if you have children.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: 

As mentioned above, there are often conscious and unconscious reasons why people cheat. 

If you've been unable to stop cheating or you stopped and you don't want to backslide, get professional help.

Get Help in Therapy

You could benefit from working in individual therapy with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in helping people who want to stop cheating.

You and your partner can also benefit from attending couples therapy to repair your relationship and rebuild trust or to end the relationship amicably.

Instead of remaining stuck, get help so you can live a more meaningful life with a sense of integrity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome problems with cheating.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters are often hard to identify and even harder to avoid.  During the early stage of a monogamous relationship, they might be charming, caring, and attentive.  But as time goes on and the relationship moves beyond that early passionate stage, known as the limerence stage, serial cheaters often reveal their true colors (see my article: Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

What is a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters often have the following characteristics:

• Numerous Infidelities in the Past: People who have cheated in past are more likely to cheat again in their current relationship. This isn't someone who makes a mistake while they're drunk during a business trip away from home.  This is someone who consistently cheats on their partner when there's an explicit agreement to be faithful. They might even talk about their previous infidelities and give many reasons why they felt justified in cheating. The more they justify their history of cheating, the more likely they'll cheat again (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and Coping With Infidelity).

• A Fear of Commitment: A fear of commitment might be rooted in prior traumatic experiences in relationships, especially experiences that occurred early on.  This doesn't mean that cheating is justified or should be condoned. Knowing the root of the problem is a way to understand how someone might have become a serial cheater.

• A Pattern of Blaming Their Previous Partners: Another way that serial cheaters justify in their own minds and to others why they cheated is by blaming their former partners.  Often, you'll hear them say, "She drove me crazy" or "He was too difficult to get along with so I started cheating." Objectively, none of these reasons justifies cheating, but it might help to ease a serial cheater's guilt and shame (assuming they feel guilt and healthy shame), and they can use these justifications to convince you it was justified or, at least, understandable. But don't fall for it.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• A Tendency to Be Secretive With Their Phones: Whether this involves refusing to give their partner access to their phones (or computers) or other ways they try to keep their technology private, serial cheaters can go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy so you don't find out they're cheating.  They might cover their phones in front of you, leave the room to take phone calls, text someone else while they think you're not paying attention or try to hide incoming phone calls or texts.  If you ask them about this, they might become defensive and annoyed (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

• Promises to Change: People do change. But serial cheaters often don't. They often make grand gestures about how they're "different" now that they're in a relationship with you.  And while this might be the case, you would be wise to exercise healthy skepticism until you can be sure.

• Projections and Distractions: Serial cheaters often accuse their faithful partner of cheating as a way to project their own behavior onto the partner and distract the partner from finding out about their own cheating. 

• A Pattern of Avoidance and Procrastination: Serial cheaters often don't talk about a long term future with you.  They might make many excuses for why they don't want to talk about taking the next step in the relationship, but the real reason is usually they don't want a long term committed relationship--at the same time that they might be telling you that they do.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• Flirtatious Behavior With Others: Serial cheaters often flirt with many other people--sometimes even in front of you.  They might compliment other people, touch them or laugh with them.  If you confront them about this behavior, they'll often say, "I was just being friendly" and accuse you of being "too jealous."

• A Pattern of Lying: Serial cheaters tend to lie a lot.  Lying helps them to try to fool and manipulate you (if you allow it).  If you've caught your partner in lies before, chances are they'll lie again, especially if they try to defend their behavior. Lies include lies of omission where they conveniently leave out certain details like where they were or who they were with to hide that they're cheating.

• A Tendency to Hop From One Relationship to the Next: Serial cheaters tend to prefer superficial relationships, including no strings attached relationships or Friends With Benefits.  When they get tired of a relationship, they tend to leave that one and easily move on to the next one.

• A Pattern of Inconsistency and Lack of Reliability: If you're with a serial cheater, they might be juggling multiple relationships that you don't know about.  As a result, you might get frequent cancellations at the last minute or they're chronically late because they've scheduled a few other romantic or sexual partners into their schedule.

Conclusion

It takes a while to get to know a romantic partner.  

The telltale signs of a serial cheater aren't always easily detected during the early stage of a relationship.  When the relationship is still new and exciting, they might not cheat.  But once the new relationship energy has worn off and they become bored, they often find it difficult not to give into the impulse to cheat.

While it's true that people do change, serial cheaters often don't change.  

If you try to focus your energy on changing them, you'll most likely be disappointed.  So, focus on taking care of yourself.

Also, if you're the one who has problems with cheating, see my article: How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Recovering from infidelity can be very challenging.  Not only is it emotionally painful, but it can also erode your self esteem and your health.

After you have ended a relationship with a serial cheater, the experience of that relationship can make it difficult for you to trust other potential partners in the future.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to work through feelings of pain and betrayal so you can regain a healthy sense of self.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

In their book, Rekindling Desire, Barry and Emily McCarthy address issues related to the low-sex or no sex couple (no sex couples are defined as couples who have sex less than 10 times per year).

Sexual Boredom

Essential Components of Healthy Sexuality

I'll address the issue of low and no sex couples in future articles.  

First, let's start with the McCarthy's definition of healthy sexuality:

• Healthy sexuality includes more than just genitals, intercourse and orgasm. It also includes positive sexual attitudes, behaviors, emotions, experiences, perceptions and values

• Sex is a natural and healthy component in an individual person's life as well as in a relationship.  Healthy sexuality does not include shame or negative feelings.

• Healthy sexuality also means feeling good about your body, yourself as a sexual being and sex in a relationship.

• Giving and receiving pleasure is an integral part of healthy sexuality.

• Expressing your sexuality as a positive aspect of your life as well as in your relationship is also an essential part of healthy sexuality.

The 4 Dimensions of Healthy Sexuality in a Relationship

The McCarthys also define four dimensions of healthy sexuality in a relationship, including:

• Desire: Desire includes a positive anticipation for sex and a feeling that you deserve good sex as an individual and in a relationship (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

• Pleasure: Pleasure includes an openness and a responsivity to both sensual and sexual touch.

A Healthy Sexual Relationship

• Eroticism: Sexual arousal and vitality are part of eroticism.

• Satisfaction: Sexual satisfaction includes feeling good about yourself as a sexual individual and as part of a relationship if you're part of a couple.

Establishing Realistic Sexual Expectations 

Sex is complex and variable.

Even though movies, TV programs, social media and books often portray couples sexuality as including intense desire, quick arousal, great sex and simultaneous orgasms, couples  in real life experience sex with much more complexity and variability.

Few individuals are in the mood for sex every time their partner is in the mood, and sex isn't always a powerful, passionate experience--especially if the couple has been together for a few years and the strong chemistry related to new relationship energy (NRE) has dissipated.

So, if couples compare themselves to what they see in the movies or on TV, they often come away feeling like there's something wrong with them or one or both of them is deficient in some way.  

But the reality is that intense sexual passion is part of the early stage of a relationship, which is referred to the limerence stage, and then it wanes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.  If all is going well in the relationship, the limerence phase is replaced by a more mature kind of love and sexuality.

According to the McCarthys, less than half of loving couples experience frequent powerful desire, arousal and orgasm.  It's not unusual for sex to be good for one person and not for the other so that sexual satisfaction is often asynchronous.  

Relationships With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem in relationships as I discussed in my articles:

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

How to Deal With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is such a common problem that it's one of the most frequently discussed topics when couples seek help in sex therapy. 

See my articles: 

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Fear and shame often keep people from getting the help they need.  However, if you're having sexual problems as an individual or a couple, the sooner you get help in sex therapy, the more likely you'll be able to resolve your problems.

A skilled sex therapist can help you by assessing your problems and providing you with sexual interventions that you can work on at home, including bibliotherapy and sexual assignments between sessions.

Instead of avoiding the problem, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.