Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

The term "pleasure mapping" was coined by Sex Educator Kenneth Play.  

Pleasure mapping can be done on your own if you want to discover for yourself what you like sexually or it can be done with a partner (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Pleasure Mapping For Sexual Self Discovery?

There are many individuals who have difficulty answering the question, "So, what do you like?" when they're with a sexual partner because they haven't taken the time to get to know what gives them sexual pleasure.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

Pleasure mapping is a way to discover what gets you sexually aroused without the pressure of doing this in front of a partner if you don't feel comfortable at this point and without the pressure of trying to have an orgasm (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

What's the Difference Between Sexual Arousal and Desire?

Sexual arousal is when your body feels turned on.  Sexual desire is when you feel mentally turned on.

People who experience spontaneous sexual desire tend to feel turned on mentally first.  They think about sex and they're turned on physically.

People who experience responsive sexual arousal often don't feel turned on at first by thinking about sex, but once they get going physically, they usually feel sexual desire mentally as well as physically.  

Pleasure mapping can be good for everyone, and it's especially good for people who tend to experience responsive desire to set the mood and get themselves physically turned on so they feel sexual desire.

A Simple Guide to Pleasure Mapping

• Set Aside at Least 30 Minutes of Uninterrupted Private Time: In order to explore your sexual turn-ons, you need time and privacy.  

• Set the Mood: Context is important so choose a place in you home where you'll be comfortable and you can relax. Set the atmosphere with your favorite soothing music--whether it's sultry jazz, rhythm and blues or whatever you like to put you in a sexy and seductive mood.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

• Collect Items That Will Aid You in Your Sexual Exploration: What feels sensuous to you? Maybe you like massage oil, your favorite moisturizer, a silky cloth, feathers, leather or whatever turns you on. You'll also want to have a hand mirror, notepad and pen, and possibly your favorite fruit (grapes, strawberries or whatever you like to eat) or something else that's pleasurable to eat.

• Dim the Lights or Light Candles: Sitting or lying down under dimmed lights or candlelight can help you to relax.

• Breathe to Relax: Square Breathing can be relaxing. You can also try this type of breathing: Inhale in the count of 4, hold for 4 and exhale slowly to the count of 8.  Do this several times until you feel tension melting away.

• Do a Body Scan: See my article: How to Do the Body Scan

• Mindfully Touch Yourself: Once you feel relaxed, close your eyes and place your hands on the crown of your head. Allow your hands to move very slowly down your body to sense where you feel pleasure. Go beyond exploring the erogenous zones that you're already familiar with and become aware of what feels good. You might discover certain areas of the body, aside from the ones you already know, that start to turn you on. If you prefer, you can use massage oil to slowly explore your body all over.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, remember you're doing this privately and no one needs to know. 

• Spend Time Touching Your Erogenous Zones: If you've discovered new erogenous zones that you were unaware of before, spend extra time touching those areas gently. Remember: This is a non-performative exercise, so you're not trying to have an orgasm. You're learning what it's like to discover sexual pleasure for yourself.

• Use Your Mirror to Explore Your Genitals: Explore your genitals and use your hand mirror to discover what you look like. Take your time to observe in a gentle and nonjudgmental way.  You're not masturbating at this point.  You're just looking. Do your genitals look different when you're sexually aroused and when you're not?  What else do you notice?

• Take Notes: After you have explored your body with touch, massage or how ever you explored your body, take notes:
• What felt good?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What type of touch did you prefer?
• What parts of your body turned you on?
• Did you discover new erogenous zones? What were they?
• What did you like about pleasure mapping?
• What didn't you like?
• What added to your sexual experience?
• What would you like to try again in the future?
• What new areas would you like to explore?

Pleasure Mapping Can Enhance Your Sexual Self Esteem

See my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With a Sexual Partner

The advantage of doing pleasure mapping on your own is that you discover for yourself what gives you pleasure. You're not relying on a partner, who might not know what you like, to get you turned on. 

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With Your Partner

Pleasure mapping on your own can be sexually empowering.  You have control over what you do, how you touch your body, what you're using to get yourself in the mood, the type of pressure you use with your touch, and so on.

Sharing what you've discovered about your sexual pleasure with a partner can provide both of you with pleasurable experiences. If you're with a romantic partner, it can also bring you closer together.

Keep an Erotic Journal

Keeping an erotic journal is a good way to help you build sexual self awareness and keep track of what is sexually pleasurable to you (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's not unusual for people to feel sexually blocked for a variety of reasons.

If you're having problems sexually, you can work with a skilled sex therapist who can help you to discover and overcome whatever blocks are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy sessions are for individual adults or couples (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a meaningful and pleasurable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

In my previous article, What Are the Telltale Signs of Serial Cheaters?, I focused on the signs that identify people who cheat over and over again.  The prior article was intended mostly for people who are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating.

The current article is intended for people who are cheating on their partners and who want to stop (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

What is Cheating?

Cheating, which is also known as infidelity, is a form of betrayal.  

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Cheating occurs when someone in a monogamous relationship has an emotional affair and/or a sexual affair with someone else without their partner's consent.

Unfortunately, cheating is common.  Research surveys have identified approximately 1 in 5 people who admit cheating--and those are only the people who admit to cheating, so that number might actually be much higher.

The definition of cheating is highly subjective.  Two people in a relationship might have completely different ideas about what cheating would be, and people often don't find out until one of them calls the other out for cheating.  

The list below includes activities that individuals in relationships in my private practice over the years have defined as cheating (Note: All of the items on the list aren't necessarily my definition of cheating). 

This list shows how subjective the definition of cheating is for many people:

• Watching pornography secretly without the other partner's knowledge
• Flirting with other people
• Maintaining a codependent relationship with an ex that interferes with the current relationship
  
• Having a separate close friendship without including the other partner
• Having an emotional affair
• Having secret sexual fantasies that aren't revealed to the other partner
• Sexting with other people without the other partner's knowledge or consent
• Refusing to allow a partner to see email, texts or phone messages due to secret affairs
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret social media accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret bank accounts or credit cards for the purpose of affairs (also known as financial infidelity)
• Engaging in secret cyber affairs
• Having secret in person sexual affairs 

I'm sure you could probably come up with other forms of cheating, but these are the most common ones I hear about in my New York City private practice.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

The reasons why people cheat vary from individual to individual, including: 

• anger towards the partner
• wanting revenge against the partner
• problems with compulsive sexual behavior
  
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• fear of commitment 
• low self esteem
  
• abuse
• unresolved psychological trauma from the past
• narcissism
  
• selfishness
• unrealistic relationship expectations

I discussed some of the reasons why people cheat in prior articles, and there are many more reasons:       

Cheating as a Way to Avoid Problems in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Living a Double Life: Infidelity

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Sexually Desirable

12 Telltale Signs a Man is a Womanizer

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner

• Reassess Your Behavior and Your Long Term Goals: Cheating can occur without much thought. Often it's a matter of giving into an impulse or an attraction without much reflection on how it would affect your life. By reassessing your personal and relationship goals, you can think about how cheating will affect those goals.  For instance, if one of your goals is to be an honest person who has integrity, then cheating doesn't fit in with that goal.  Or, if you want to have children with your partner, bringing a child into an unstable relationship due to your infidelity doesn't fit in with that goal.  Stop and think about the impact cheating can have on who you want to be as an individual and what you want in your relationship and in your life.

Reassess Your Behavior and Your Goals: What About Integrity?

• Ask Yourself the following questions and consider your answers:
• How do you feel about your partner and your relationship?
• How do you feel about being in a monogamous relationship?
• If you're unhappy with monogamy, are you interested in a consensual nonmonogamy and is this something you can discuss with your partner?
• Are you so unhappy in your relationship that you want to end it. Although it can be difficult, it's better to be honest with your partner than to cheat.

• Identify the Reasons You Cheat: There is never a good reason for cheating, but there might be conscious and unconscious factors that contribute to your infidelity, including:

• You're avoiding problems in your relationship.
• You're unhappy in your relationship and you're hoping your affair will end it so you don't have to be proactive about breaking up.
• You want to punish your partner.
• You like the excitement you feel and how you feel about yourself when you have an affair with new people.
• You have problems with impulse control so that you get involved with people outside your relationship without much or any thought beforehand.

• End An Affair: Whether it's an emotional, romantic or sexual affair, take steps to end the affair in a way where you make amends and have closure with your partner(s).  
• Don't ghost them or cut them off.  
• Talk to them about what you appreciated about them and tell them you want to focus on your relationship now.
• Make amends if you were stringing them along with the promise of developing an exclusive relationship with them.  
• After there is closure, which shouldn't be dragged out, end contact.  If you maintain contact, you're likely to go back to them.

• Stop Any Other Behavior That Leads to Cheating: Whether it's flirting, sexting or any other behavior you have identified as leading to infidelity, stop engaging in that behavior.  

• If You Have Decided to Remain With Your Partner (assuming your partner wants to remain with you): 
• Take steps to repair the hurt and pain you caused to your partner by asking your partner what they need from you to heal.  This might involve a period of time when your partner needs to be on their own (without you) to think about what they want to do.  Respect that.  
• Make a commitment to be transparent with your partner, which includes allowing your partner to have full access to your phone, computer and other technology.
• Know that it will take a long time, if ever, to fully regain your partner's trust.
• Get into individual therapy to help you during this challenging time and also to understand and overcome underlying reasons for your infidelity. This can help you to make lasting changes so you don't cheat again. 
• Get into couples therapy with your partner to work on repairing the relationship.

• If You Have Decided to Leave Your Partner: If you realize that part of the reason for your infidelity was that you weren't admitting to yourself or your partner that you're unhappy with the relationship and you want to leave:

• Communicate empathetically with your partner face-to-face (no email, no texts or voicemail).
• Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship.
• Be emotionally attuned to your partner and be willing to listen to their expressions of hurt and pain (this is part of your taking responsibility).
• Consider couples therapy to end the relationship amicably, especially if you have children.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: 

As mentioned above, there are often conscious and unconscious reasons why people cheat. 

If you've been unable to stop cheating or you stopped and you don't want to backslide, get professional help.

Get Help in Therapy

You could benefit from working in individual therapy with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in helping people who want to stop cheating.

You and your partner can also benefit from attending couples therapy to repair your relationship and rebuild trust or to end the relationship amicably.

Instead of remaining stuck, get help so you can live a more meaningful life with a sense of integrity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome problems with cheating.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters are often hard to identify and even harder to avoid.  During the early stage of a monogamous relationship, they might be charming, caring, and attentive.  But as time goes on and the relationship moves beyond that early passionate stage, known as the limerence stage, serial cheaters often reveal their true colors (see my article: Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

What is a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters often have the following characteristics:

• Numerous Infidelities in the Past: People who have cheated in past are more likely to cheat again in their current relationship. This isn't someone who makes a mistake while they're drunk during a business trip away from home.  This is someone who consistently cheats on their partner when there's an explicit agreement to be faithful. They might even talk about their previous infidelities and give many reasons why they felt justified in cheating. The more they justify their history of cheating, the more likely they'll cheat again (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and Coping With Infidelity).

• A Fear of Commitment: A fear of commitment might be rooted in prior traumatic experiences in relationships, especially experiences that occurred early on.  This doesn't mean that cheating is justified or should be condoned. Knowing the root of the problem is a way to understand how someone might have become a serial cheater.

• A Pattern of Blaming Their Previous Partners: Another way that serial cheaters justify in their own minds and to others why they cheated is by blaming their former partners.  Often, you'll hear them say, "She drove me crazy" or "He was too difficult to get along with so I started cheating." Objectively, none of these reasons justifies cheating, but it might help to ease a serial cheater's guilt and shame (assuming they feel guilt and healthy shame), and they can use these justifications to convince you it was justified or, at least, understandable. But don't fall for it.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• A Tendency to Be Secretive With Their Phones: Whether this involves refusing to give their partner access to their phones (or computers) or other ways they try to keep their technology private, serial cheaters can go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy so you don't find out they're cheating.  They might cover their phones in front of you, leave the room to take phone calls, text someone else while they think you're not paying attention or try to hide incoming phone calls or texts.  If you ask them about this, they might become defensive and annoyed (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

• Promises to Change: People do change. But serial cheaters often don't. They often make grand gestures about how they're "different" now that they're in a relationship with you.  And while this might be the case, you would be wise to exercise healthy skepticism until you can be sure.

• Projections and Distractions: Serial cheaters often accuse their faithful partner of cheating as a way to project their own behavior onto the partner and distract the partner from finding out about their own cheating. 

• A Pattern of Avoidance and Procrastination: Serial cheaters often don't talk about a long term future with you.  They might make many excuses for why they don't want to talk about taking the next step in the relationship, but the real reason is usually they don't want a long term committed relationship--at the same time that they might be telling you that they do.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• Flirtatious Behavior With Others: Serial cheaters often flirt with many other people--sometimes even in front of you.  They might compliment other people, touch them or laugh with them.  If you confront them about this behavior, they'll often say, "I was just being friendly" and accuse you of being "too jealous."

• A Pattern of Lying: Serial cheaters tend to lie a lot.  Lying helps them to try to fool and manipulate you (if you allow it).  If you've caught your partner in lies before, chances are they'll lie again, especially if they try to defend their behavior. Lies include lies of omission where they conveniently leave out certain details like where they were or who they were with to hide that they're cheating.

• A Tendency to Hop From One Relationship to the Next: Serial cheaters tend to prefer superficial relationships, including no strings attached relationships or Friends With Benefits.  When they get tired of a relationship, they tend to leave that one and easily move on to the next one.

• A Pattern of Inconsistency and Lack of Reliability: If you're with a serial cheater, they might be juggling multiple relationships that you don't know about.  As a result, you might get frequent cancellations at the last minute or they're chronically late because they've scheduled a few other romantic or sexual partners into their schedule.

Conclusion

It takes a while to get to know a romantic partner.  

The telltale signs of a serial cheater aren't always easily detected during the early stage of a relationship.  When the relationship is still new and exciting, they might not cheat.  But once the new relationship energy has worn off and they become bored, they often find it difficult not to give into the impulse to cheat.

While it's true that people do change, serial cheaters often don't change.  

If you try to focus your energy on changing them, you'll most likely be disappointed.  So, focus on taking care of yourself.

Also, if you're the one who has problems with cheating, see my article: How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Recovering from infidelity can be very challenging.  Not only is it emotionally painful, but it can also erode your self esteem and your health.

After you have ended a relationship with a serial cheater, the experience of that relationship can make it difficult for you to trust other potential partners in the future.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to work through feelings of pain and betrayal so you can regain a healthy sense of self.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

In their book, Rekindling Desire, Barry and Emily McCarthy address issues related to the low-sex or no sex couple (no sex couples are defined as couples who have sex less than 10 times per year).

Sexual Boredom

Essential Components of Healthy Sexuality

I'll address the issue of low and no sex couples in future articles.  

First, let's start with the McCarthy's definition of healthy sexuality:

• Healthy sexuality includes more than just genitals, intercourse and orgasm. It also includes positive sexual attitudes, behaviors, emotions, experiences, perceptions and values

• Sex is a natural and healthy component in an individual person's life as well as in a relationship.  Healthy sexuality does not include shame or negative feelings.

• Healthy sexuality also means feeling good about your body, yourself as a sexual being and sex in a relationship.

• Giving and receiving pleasure is an integral part of healthy sexuality.

• Expressing your sexuality as a positive aspect of your life as well as in your relationship is also an essential part of healthy sexuality.

The 4 Dimensions of Healthy Sexuality in a Relationship

The McCarthys also define four dimensions of healthy sexuality in a relationship, including:

• Desire: Desire includes a positive anticipation for sex and a feeling that you deserve good sex as an individual and in a relationship (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

• Pleasure: Pleasure includes an openness and a responsivity to both sensual and sexual touch.

A Healthy Sexual Relationship

• Eroticism: Sexual arousal and vitality are part of eroticism.

• Satisfaction: Sexual satisfaction includes feeling good about yourself as a sexual individual and as part of a relationship if you're part of a couple.

Establishing Realistic Sexual Expectations 

Sex is complex and variable.

Even though movies, TV programs, social media and books often portray couples sexuality as including intense desire, quick arousal, great sex and simultaneous orgasms, couples  in real life experience sex with much more complexity and variability.

Few individuals are in the mood for sex every time their partner is in the mood, and sex isn't always a powerful, passionate experience--especially if the couple has been together for a few years and the strong chemistry related to new relationship energy (NRE) has dissipated.

So, if couples compare themselves to what they see in the movies or on TV, they often come away feeling like there's something wrong with them or one or both of them is deficient in some way.  

But the reality is that intense sexual passion is part of the early stage of a relationship, which is referred to the limerence stage, and then it wanes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.  If all is going well in the relationship, the limerence phase is replaced by a more mature kind of love and sexuality.

According to the McCarthys, less than half of loving couples experience frequent powerful desire, arousal and orgasm.  It's not unusual for sex to be good for one person and not for the other so that sexual satisfaction is often asynchronous.  

Relationships With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem in relationships as I discussed in my articles:

What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?

How to Deal With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy is such a common problem that it's one of the most frequently discussed topics when couples seek help in sex therapy. 

See my articles: 

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Fear and shame often keep people from getting the help they need.  However, if you're having sexual problems as an individual or a couple, the sooner you get help in sex therapy, the more likely you'll be able to resolve your problems.

A skilled sex therapist can help you by assessing your problems and providing you with sexual interventions that you can work on at home, including bibliotherapy and sexual assignments between sessions.

Instead of avoiding the problem, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

          

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: What Happens When Both Partners Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

I've been focusing on sexual arousal types in prior articles and the issues that come up when two people have different arousal types (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal).

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

See my articles about:

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Responsive Sexual Arousal

Reviewing Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal Types

There are two different types of arousal: spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

There is a shorthand way of distinguishing the two arousal types: 

• Spontaneous Arousal: People with spontaneous arousal get mentally turned on at the drop of a hat by just thinking about sex and then get physically turned on immediately afterwards. 

• Responsive Arousal: People with responsive sexual arousal often need more time to get turned on. They usually need to start having sex to gradually get physically turned on and then they get mentally turned on after they are physically aroused.

Both arousal types are normal.  

Neither is better than or worse than the other.  They're just different.

What Happens When Two People Both Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

In the current article, I'm focusing on potential issues involved with people who both have the same arousal type: responsive arousal.

Although everyone is different, when two partners both experience spontaneous sexual arousal, it's often the case that all they need to do is think about sex and they're both ready to have sex.

However, when two people are both responsive sexual arousal types, they each might wait for the other person to initiate sex since neither of them is turned on by just thinking about sex. 

This usually means it takes more time for them to get started or they might not get started at all. Weeks, months or years can pass without sex.  This is especially true after the new relationship energy (NRE) period (when dopamine and oxytocin create sexual passion) subsides (see my previous article for a more in-depth description of the responsive arousal type).

Clinical Vignettes: A Relationship With Two People Who Have Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette which, as always is a composite of many cases, illustrates the challenges faced by a couple where both people have a responsive sexual arousal type. It also illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to revive their sex life.

Cara and Jane

Cara and Jane, who were both in their mid-30s, met at a Lesbian Pride party and they were instantly attracted to each other.  

Both Partners Experience Responsive Arousal

Sex was passionate and pleasurable for both of them at first during the first few months, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other.  They often had sex several times a day during weekends when they spent a lot of time together.

Six months into their relationship, they both noticed they were less interested in sex.  Whereas they were having sex almost every day when they first met, now they were hardly having sex at all.  They also both waited for the other one to initiate sex, which meant that neither of them initiated sex.

They were still in love with each other, but sex felt a lot less compelling than it did when they first met.  They were both concerned about this, but they didn't know what to do about it. 

By the time they were together for two years, they hadn't had sex in several months. So, Jane talked to Cara about opening up their relationship (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

But Cara feared that they might never get their sex life back if they got involved with other people, so she told Jane that she didn't want to open up their relationship.  She suggested that they attend sex therapy instead to get help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

They learned in sex therapy that the initial stage of most relationships is a time when people experience new relationship energy (NRE) where dopamine and oxytocin fuel erotic passion.  But after that initial stage, the erotic passion usually cools off somewhat.

While they were attending sex therapy, they also learned that they both experienced responsive sexual arousal and that rather than waiting to "get in the mood," if they wanted to revive their sex life together, they would need to intentionally start having sex in order to get in the mood.

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to practice together at home between sex therapy sessions. The assignments included Sensate Focus (sensuously touching each other without having oral or penetrative sex) as well solo sex (masturbation) practices to understand what got them each turned on as individuals.

Once they understood that they needed to get themselves in the mood by starting sexual activities in order to get in the mood for sex and by taking turns initiating, they resolved their problem.

Conclusion

Although the clinical vignette is about two lesbians, responsive sexual arousal can occur between any two people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

The problem for most partners who both have responsive sexual arousal is neither of them are thinking about sex and each person waits for the other to initiate sex once the erotic energy involved with new relationship energy subsides.

Many people with the responsive sexual arousal type are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex--let alone seek help.  So, this often means that they might not have sex for months or years.  At that point, each person might assume that the relationship is doomed and they might end it.

One of the reasons why I write these articles is to provide sex education so people in these situations will know that there's nothing wrong with them.  They just need to learn how to interact sexually to revive their sex life (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you and your partner have lost the sexual spark you both experienced during the early stage of your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

A skilled sex therapist can help you to explore your sexual arousal type and assist you to change a sex script that's not working for you.

Getting help sooner rather than later is often the key to reviving a passionate sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.