What Are the 5 Love Languages?

In his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Relationships That Last, Dr. Gary Chapman discusses the five most common ways that people give and receive love and affection.

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

According to Dr. Chapman, the five love languages include:

• Words of Affirmation 
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Physical Touch

Although you might have more than one love language that's meaningful to you, you probably have a primary love language that is most important to you.

If your primary love language is:

• Words of Affirmation: You like to hear verbal acknowledgements of love and affection.  This includes hearing "I love you," compliments, words of appreciation, and words of encouragement.  Verbal and written messages of affection help you to feel loved, understood and appreciated.

• Quality Time: You feel loved and appreciated when your partner wants to spend time with you.  You like your partner to be an active listener and be fully present with you.  You also like to have meaningful conversations without distractions.

• Acts of Service: You believe that actions speak louder than words, and you like to be shown how much your partner cares for you.  You value your partner doing things that make your life easier. This might include your partner doing extra housework, taking the children after you've spent the whole day with them, going grocery shopping and so on.  

• Gifts: You feel most loved when your partner gives you meaningful gifts that are symbolic of their love for you.  For you, it's not about the value of the gift--it's about the thought behind the gift, and you're moved when your partner has made a thoughtful, deliberate choice about a gift that is just right for you.  

• Physical Touch: You feel loved when your partner gives you physical signs of affection, including holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and having sex.  For you, physical touch is a powerful way to connect emotionally as well as physically.

It's not at all unusual for individuals in a relationship to each have different needs when it comes to how they want to experience their partner's love.  So, it's important to be able to understand and communicate your own needs as well as understand and give to your partner based on their needs.  

Next Article in This Series:

In my next article, I'll discuss how to give and receive love based on your own and your partner's love language: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people don't know how to identify and communicate what they need to their partners.  Often this is because they didn't get what they needed when they were younger, so they're not used to having their needs met.  

Other people, who might have grown up in childhood homes where family members didn't express love or affection, feel uncomfortable expressing or receiving love.  

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these obstacles so you can give and receive love.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome these obstacles.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

The Wheel of Emotions was developed by Dr. Robert Plutchik, who was a professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and an adjunct professor at the University of Florida.  His research included the study of emotions (see my articles: Learning to Sense Your Emotions and How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Enhance Emotional Development in Adults).

The 8 Primary Emotions

According to Dr. Plutchik, there are eight primary emotions:

• Anger
• Fear
• Sadness
• Disgust
• Surprise
• Anticipation
• Trust 
• Joy

These emotions are considered primary, according to Dr. Plutchik, because they have survival value (see my article: Understanding Primary Emotions).

For instance, fear has survival value because when this emotion is triggered, it can save your life due to the flight-fight response.

What is the Wheel of Emotion?

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Plutchik's Concepts:

• Limbic System/Midbrain: The midbrain (or limbic system) of humans is similar to the midbrain of other mammals.  Humans and other mammals experience the same emotions.

• Evolutionary History: Emotions developed long before humans existed.  They have evolutionary value as part of survival.

• Survival Role: Survival is the primary evolutionary role of emotions.

• Combinations of Emotions: Combining primary emotions will create new emotions.  For example, joy and trust = love.

• Opposites: As can be seen from the Wheel of Emotions, each emotion has its opposites.  For instance, sadness is the opposite of joy, and so on.

• Intensity of Emotions: The change in the intensity of emotions can be seen on the Wheel of Emotions: Trust goes from acceptance to admiration, joy goes from serenity to ecstasy, and so on.

Characteristics of the Wheel of Emotions (click on image to make it larger):

• Color: The eight emotions are arranged by colors for similar emotions.  

• Layers: Moving to the center of the circle intensifies the emotions.

• Relationships of Emotions: Emotions are arranged on the Wheel of Emotions with regard to their relationship to each other.  For instance, note the position of polar opposite emotions.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

Many people have problems identifying their emotions.  They might have a sense that they feel "off" or "bad," but they don't know what emotions are causing them to feel this way.

The Wheel of Emotions:

• Provides an image or visual tool to get curious about yourself.
• Helps you to be attuned to yourself.
• Normalizes your emotions.
• Increases your self awareness.
• Helps you to stop judging yourself.
• Helps you to identify your emotions.
• Helps you to verbalize the emotions you are experiencing.  
• Helps you to feel empowered.
• Helps you to gain self confidence.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems identifying and expressing your emotions, you're not alone.

Working with an experiential psychotherapist can help you to develop and enhance your ability to identify your feelings for your own self awareness as well as to improve your communication with others (see my article: Psychotherapy Can Help You to Stop Sweeping Uncomfortable Emotions Under the Rug).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in experiential therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

About Me

I am an experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

Relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., came up with a metaphor to describe destructive communication in relationships which he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a term which was originally used in the Bible to describe the four elements of the end times: conquest, war, hunger and death (see my article: Improving Communication).

Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What Are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

According to the Dr. Gottman, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a relationship are:

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let's take a look at each one to understand why these actions represent destructive communication styles that can lead to the demise of a relationship:

• Criticism:  When you express a complaint to your partner, it's different from attacking him or her personally.  When you criticize your partner, s/he feels rejected and hurt.  Here's the difference:

Complaint: "I feel sad that you forgot my birthday."

Criticism: "You never remember my birthday because it's not important to you. You're selfish!"

Note that in the first example, the complaint, you're speaking from your own experience ("I felt") whereas in the second example, the criticism, you're making a personal attack on your partner's character.  

Criticism is especially damaging when it happens frequently.  Furthermore, you're not likely to resolve the problem if you use criticism (see my article: Learn How to Stop Criticizing Each Other).

• Contempt: Contempt is worse than criticism.  When you address your partner with contempt, you're being mean.  Contempt includes sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, and cursing your partner, among other things.  You're showing disrespect for your partner, and you're speaking to your partner from a position of moral superiority:

Contempt: "You forgot to bring home the milk! I give you one thing to do and you're too stupid to even do that."

Note that contempt is often fueled by longstanding resentment towards a partner that comes out in a toxic way.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common problem.  When you feel criticized by your partner, you find excuses for your behavior. Unfortunately, this doesn't resolve the problem because your partner is likely to feel that his or her concerns aren't important to you.

Defensiveness: "So what! I forgot to bring the milk. You know I've had a lot of things on my mind. Why didn't you have one of the kids get it?"

Note that, aside from not resolving the problem, you're also not taking responsibility for your part, and you're pointing an accusatory finger at your partner.  

By being defensive, you're also just escalating the conflict (see my article: Habitual Defensiveness Can Ruin Your Relationship).

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling usually occurs when the listener becomes overwhelmed by contempt.  The listener can either tune out, walk away, distract him or herself and, generally, shut down emotionally (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

People who stonewall are often shutting down to regroup emotionally.  The problem is that they often don't tell their partner that they need to take a break from the conflict to calm down.  

The other problem is that people who make a habit of stonewalling appear to be calm on the outside, but they're flooded with stress on the inside.  

Since people who stonewall appear to be calm externally, the other partner will often double down on their criticism in an effort to provoke the partner to speak.  

This starts a destructive cycle where the person who is stonewalling shuts down more and more and the other partner escalates their argument.  Soon they're caught in a destructive cycle.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're like most people, you learned how to communicate from what you observed in your family of origin.  

If you weren't lucky enough to come from a family where you experienced healthy communication, you might have developed destructive communication habits.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to enhance your communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Rather than continuing in destructive communication patterns that could lead to the demise of your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.  

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Your sexual energy is your life force.  After all, you were conceived as a result of sexual energy. So, knowing how to access this energy can give you a sense of aliveness, regardless of whether or not you have a partner (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1, Part 2 and Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Discovery).

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Suggestions For Accessing Your Sexual Energy

Here are several ways to access your sexual energy--even if you've been out of touch with it for a while:

• Connect to Your 5 Senses: Your five senses include what you see, hear, smell, feel (touch) and taste.  By engaging your senses in pleasurable ways, you can come alive sensuously and sexually.  This can include tasting delicious food, smelling your favorite scent, listening to your favorite music, and so on.

• Move: Exercise and dance can be pleasurable ways to access your sexual energy. These activities can connect you to your deepest energy.  When you feel the beat of the music, it can connect you to your heartbeat.  As you move,  you can feel the rhythm of the music, which makes you come alive to your senses, including your erotic sense.  To access sexual energy through exercise, you can try: glut bridges, plank, Kegels, pigeon pose and so on (always consult with your medical doctor before you begin an exercise program).

• Make Sounds: Humming, singing, chanting and making other sounds that vibrate in your body is another good way to connect with your sexual energy.  

• Try Self Pleasure: Touch yourself in ways that feel pleasurable to you.  If you're uncomfortable with masturbating, you can enliven your sensuous self by doing simple things like taking a bubble bath or massaging yourself with your favorite lotion or oil after you shower.  You can also use sex toys (if you feel comfortable) to connect with your sexual energy.  You might need to experiment with the type of toys that feel right to you.

• Get a Sensual Massage: Touch is so important, and a relaxing massage can help to reconnect you to your body, especially your erogenous zones like the nape of your neck, your scalp, behind your knees, your earlobes, your buttocks and genitals, and your feet--to name the most common erogenous zones.  You might also discover additional erogenous zones that enlive you.  Whether you massage yourself with massage oil or a partner gives you a sensual massage, this kind of touch is healing and can also help you to access your sexual energy.  

Overcoming Psychological Issues That Inhibit Your Sexual Energy

Sometimes unresolved trauma can inhibit or block your sexual energy.  Whether this was the result of sexual abuse, anxiety or familial or cultural taboos, a trauma therapist who uses Experiential Therapy can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you blocked (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself emotionally or physically, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who uses the mind-body connection in therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.  

Resolving the problems that keep you blocked can free you from your history and reconnect you to your vitality.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, a "Love Map" is a metaphor for that part of your brain where you store important information about your partner, including their preferences, opinions, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams, and major events in their life (see my articles: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Getting to know your partner and allowing your partner to get to know you, including your inner emotional world, is an ongoing process.  It means making a sustained effort throughout the course of your relationship to learn about your partner and allow your partner to get to know you on a deep emotional level.

Why Are Love Maps Important?

According to Dr. Gottman, people who remain up to date with what's going on with their partner, including their thoughts and feelings, are more resilient and they're in a better position to weather life's inevitable ups and downs, including conflict and stressful events.

The reason why developing love maps is an ongoing process is that people change over time.  If you're not paying attention to your partner's thoughts and feelings as well as the significant events in their life, you will probably drift apart (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Partner Are Drifting Apart and How to Get Closer If You and Your Partner Have Grown Apart).

For a variety of reasons, many couples lose touch with the details of their partner's life.  Understandably, this might be due to being overwhelmed by childrearing, stress at work or other everyday stressors.  For instance, many couples tell me that they barely have time to talk to each other because they're focused on their children.  

Another example is a situation where one or both spouses are expected to work long hours at home after the normal workday and respond to calls, email and texts late at night.  As a result, they end up being exhausted and have no time for each other.  If they don't make a conscious effort to make time for each other, they can become increasingly alienated from one another.

Under these circumstances, they might know general information about a particular area of their spouse's life, like an interest in a particular type of music, but they might not be up to date on their spouse's new favorite band, the name of a new friend or the details of a new hobby or interest.

Some people are also afraid to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships.  Emotional vulnerability feels threatening to them, so they don't like to share their inner emotional world.  

These are the couples who are likely to drift apart because emotional vulnerability is part of the glue that keeps relationships together and without it they might just coexist in the same household like roommates (see my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Over time, without shared emotional intimacy, there is often more distance in the relationship.  When there is less and less to share, the relationship suffers.  In the worst case scenario, alienation can increase until they feel like strangers to each other.

Fortunately, there are ways for couples to overcome the emotional distance that can so easily develop over time.  Developing a Love Map, as described in Dr. Gottman's book, is one way to do this (see my article: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available.

Taking the first step to contact a licensed therapist might be the hardest, but it's also the first step to resolving your problems.  So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

A licensed mental health professional can help you to resolve your problems so you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Corrective Emotional Experiences in Therapy Help to Heal Trauma

In a prior article, What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?, I discussed how a corrective emotional experience in therapy can occur when a client has an experience with the therapist that challenges the client's negative beliefs about him or herself and provides a new emotional experience that's healing.  

Corrective Emotional Experiences Help to Heal Trauma

A Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy and a Change in Attachment Styles

A common example of this is when an adult client, who grew up feeling emotionally neglected, invisible and unloved by his parents, has a felt sense that his therapist cares about him.  

Usually, when people grow up emotionally neglected or abused, they develop an insecure attachment style.  Although insecure attachment styles are difficult to change, corrective emotional experiences can help someone to change from an insecure to a secure attachment style, which is called earned secure attachment (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style?, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?)

In other words, this person, who grew up with a sense that he was unlovable, can have a new transformative experience in therapy.  So, not only does he feel understood, but he also has a visceral experience of being deeply cared about by his therapist.  

What Are Corrective Emotional Experiences in Your Personal Life?

In addition to transformative emotional experiences in therapy, corrective emotional experiences occur in everyday life, but people often don't notice them or can't feel them.

You might wonder how this is possible and you might ask: Wouldn't it be easier to feel these experiences in everyday personal interactions than it would be in therapy?  The answer is: It depends.  Some people are really adept at picking up on corrective emotional experiences, especially when they occur with a loved one, and others are not.

For instance, John, who grew up in a family where he felt unloved and neglected, believes he's unlovable and these feelings carry over into adulthood.  He doesn't realize that he wasn't the problem--it was his parents who had problems expressing their love for him.

As an adult, John married a woman who is affectionate, kind and attentive to his emotional needs.  At first, he's uncomfortable with taking in her love because he's not accustomed to feeling loved.  But, over time, he learns to take in her love and affection and these new emotional experiences with his wife disconfirm the way he felt about himself since childhood.  This is a transformative experience for John--whether he's consciously aware of it or not.

Other people have a harder time with corrective emotional experiences.  For instance, Sara, who was also emotionally neglected as a child, still feels unlovable even though she knows her spouse loves her.  In this second example, Sara's traumatic childhood has had such a profound effect on her that her spouse's love makes no difference in the way she feels about herself because it's split off from how she feels about herself.  

What is Experiential Trauma Therapy and How Does It Help Clients to Experience Corrective Emotional Experiences in Their Personal Lives?

Experiential trauma therapy is a bottom up approach (as opposed to a top down approach in regular talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy and other forms of talk therapy).  The bottom up approach is an embodied therapy that provides an integrated mind-body connection (see my articles: What is a Trauma Therapist? and Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Resolve Trauma?)

The bottom up approach used in experiential trauma therapy focuses on the limbic system of the brain where traumatic memories are stored and where they get triggered (see my article: What's the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches to Therapy?).   

Clinical Vignette:  

The following clinical example illustrates how experiential trauma can provide a corrective emotional experience that is transformative and helps to heal trauma:

Ed:

After attempting on his own to work through childhood trauma that continued to affect him as an adult, Ed began seeing a trauma therapist who used an experiential approach to therapy.

As Ed explained to his therapist, he had pervasive feelings of not being lovable his whole life--even now that he had a loving wife, close friends, and a successful career with colleagues who cared about him.  

In other words, there was a disconnect for Ed between what he knew logically and what he felt emotionally, and no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't reconcile this disconnection, which was frustrating and discouraging for him.

His therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Ed's sense of feeling unlovable.  With EMDR, Ed focused on his feelings of being unlovable and, gradually, he worked through much of his history of early trauma related to emotional neglect.  

Over time, as he continued in EMDR therapy, he developed an understanding, both mentally and emotionally, that his feelings of being unlovable developed because his parents were unable to express their love and affection for him. 

He also realized that they were unable to express their love because they grew up in home environments where they also felt unloved and so did their parents (see my article: Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).

Part of Ed's experience in EMDR therapy included grieving the loss of love he experienced as a child.  He also grieved for his parents' loss and the generations of families before them who also experienced this emotional loss.

Since his trauma therapist integrated EMDR therapy with other types of experiential therapy, like AEDP and Parts Work therapy, Ed's sense of himself changed to being a person that his wife and friends loved.  It was no longer just a thought or concept in his mind--he had a visceral sense of being lovable, which endured for him even after his therapy.

Conclusion

A corrective emotional experience comes in relationship with others--whether it's with someone in your personal life, like a significant other or a close friend or family member, or it's with a psychotherapist where you have a good therapeutic relationship and where you feel cared about.

Many people who have experienced developmental trauma, also known as unresolved childhood trauma, are unable to take in corrective emotional experiences, even when they have people close to them who love them.  

These people might know logically that their loved ones are now providing them with loving experiences that they didn't have when they were children but, due to their unresolved trauma, they're unable to feel it.

Experiential trauma therapy provides an opportunity to work through unresolved trauma and allows individuals to integrate corrective emotional experiences in an embodied way so they can have a new sense of feeling loved and cared about on an emotional level.  

Getting Help in Therapy

There are many people who spend their entire lives trying to overcome a history of trauma on their own without success.  As a result, their trauma continues to have a profound negative impact.

If you have tried on your own to overcome a traumatic history, you're not alone.  Help is available to you (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

If you work with an experiential trauma therapist, you can free yourself from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life. 

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I described how recalling your peak erotic experiences can help individuals and couples revive their sex life, based on the work of sex therapist, Dr. Jack Morin.  According to Dr. Morin, learning about yourself from your peak erotic experiences can help enhance your sex life (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships and Changing Your Sex Script).

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Morin's work is based on Dr. Abraham Maslow's concepts of peak performance and self actualizers.

In this article, I'm providing the clinical vignette (below) to illustrate some of the concepts in Dr. Morin's book, The Erotic Mind.

Clinical Vignette: The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the benefits of focusing on peak sexual experiences:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-50s, sought help in therapy because he was concerned that he and his wife weren't having sex.  Over the years, sex dwindled down to a few times a year.  He also indicated that when they were sexual, it wasn't enjoyable for either of them.  Since his wife told him that she felt too uncomfortable to participate in couples therapy, he sought help for himself in individual psychotherapy.

According to Bob, when they got married 25 years ago, they could hardly keep their hands off each other and they enjoyed a passionate sex life.  Then, they had children and their sex life waned.  He had hoped that, once their children were on their own, he and his wife could revive their sex life, but their attempts were disappointing. After medical problems were ruled out, their doctor recommended therapy.  

When asked, Bob said he still felt sexually aroused when he saw an attractive woman and he was tempted a few times to have affairs when he was away at business conferences, but he really didn't want to cheat on his wife.  

Rather than approaching the issue as a problem, his therapist encouraged Bob to think back to peak sexual experiences with his wife from the past when they were both turned on.  Unaccustomed to thinking in this way, at first, Bob had problems remembering any sexual experiences that stood out for him, so he agreed to think about it during the week between therapy sessions.

When Bob returned to see his psychotherapist the following week, he seemed more engaged and enthusiastic than he had the week before.  He said he recalled a memory from 10 years ago: He and his wife were in their pool late at night when they began to spontaneously flirt with each other, which led to sex play and one of their most unexpected passionate sexual experiences they ever had together.

When his therapist asked him what made that sexual experience so exciting, Bob said he thought it was a combination of both of them being relaxed, the spontaneity and novelty of the situation, and the excitement over the possibility of being seen by their neighbors, although he said this wasn't likely.  He said they had never done that before and they both found it thrilling.  He also wondered aloud why they had never done it again.

After Bob recalled that memory, he also recalled other peak sexual experiences with his wife that involved being relaxed, playful and open to novelty.  Although he was excited to recall these memories, he was hesitant to bring them up to his wife because he feared she would laugh at him and then he would feel ashamed (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Over time, Bob and his therapist worked on his shame, including a family history where sex was taboo, before Bob felt ready to talk to his wife about taking steps to revive their sex life.

He told his therapist that, at first, as usual, his wife got anxious when he brought up the topic of their nearly nonexistent sex life. But when he told her about his memories about when sex was exciting for them, she relaxed and became more enthusiastic.  

In fact, he said, just talking about those peak sexual experiences got them both turned on and they had passionate sex that night. Afterwards, when they were cuddling, they both agreed that they hadn't had such passionate sex in a long time and they both wanted to continue to revive their sex life.

Over time, Bob and his wife became increasingly more open and vulnerable to exploring their sexuality together, and their sex life flourished (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why an individual's or couple's sex life can wane.  

Once medical issues have been ruled out, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful to overcoming the obstacles to a more fulfilling sex life and relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.