The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is Narcissistic

I've written about narcissism in previous articles (see my articles:  Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame, A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner: Where Did the Love Go?, Coping Strategies For Being in a Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner and How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age).  In this article, I'm focusing on breaking up with a person who is narcissistic.

The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is  Narcissistic

While breakups are never easy, breaking up with someone who is narcissistic has unique challenges:

Get Ready For an Emotional Roller Coaster

When you end a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, you can generally expect to experience an emotional roller coaster, especially if your ex doesn't want to end the relationship.  If you've already discussed the reasons why you want to end the relationship, your best course of action for your own self preservation is to have no further contact with your ex.  

Talking about the breakup over and over will be perceived by your ex as a chance to either convince you to take him or her back or, if he or she is convinced that you've made up your mind, s/he might become emotionally abusive and malign you to people that you know (The Breakup: When the Need For "Closure" Turns Into Harassment).

You might think that you know your ex, but going through a breakup with someone who is narcissistic can show you a whole other side of your ex that you didn't know existed.

Beware of Your Ex's Narcissistic Rage 

When things were going well between you, you might have only seen the charming and funny side of your ex.

But when people who are narcissistic feel wounded or abandoned, they often display narcissistic rage, which can be astounding to experience because your ex will probably see the breakup as a wound to his or her self worth and sense of self.

This often involves a dramatic unleashing of rage at you and possibly to other people in your life.

Your ex might demean you, call you names, tell people you know how much you hurt him or her, try to humiliate you and, generally, become hurtful and spiteful.

The Challenge of Breaking Up With a Person Who is Narcissistic: Beware of Narcissistic Rage

When someone is in a state of narcissistic rage, s/he usually can't be reasoned with without causing the situation to escalate.

The person who is narcissistic needs to be in control, and if you're the one who took the initiative to end the relationship, this will upset his or her sense of having control.

Your ex will probably want to have the last word about your relationship with you and with others.

Even if s/he praised you to others before, now s/he might say that s/he never really knew you until now and you're just a terrible person.

And don't be surprised if some people that you know end up believing your ex when s/he tells them how awful you are.  People who are narcissistic can be very convincing.

After you've talked to these people, rather than exhausting yourself emotionally and physically by defending yourself, let it go.  The more you struggle around these issues, the more gratifying it will be to your ex who wants to create chaos as part of the revenge.

How to Survive a Breakup With an Ex Who is Narcissistic

As I mentioned earlier, the volatility will only escalate if you keep trying to explain why you're ending the relationship, so it's best not to keep going over the same thing.  

End contact.  In the short term, this will probably infuriate your ex, but nothing will be accomplished by maintaining contact if you know you want to end the relationship.

You will need to set limits with your ex, especially if the emotional abuse seems like it might become physical.  If your ex makes physical threats, you will need to find out your rights with regard to a restraining order--although in most cases, it doesn't go this far.

In most cases, the person with a narcissistic personality will be looking around rather quickly for the next person who will make him or her feel good because the breakup can leave your ex feeling empty and low.

Once your ex finds someone else who will admire and idealize him or her, you probably won't hear from your ex again.

Getting Help in Therapy

Going through a breakup with someone who is narcissistic can be overwhelming, and you might need  help from a skilled psychotherapist to help you to get through it.

You can especially benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional if you have a pattern of choosing narcissistic romantic partners (see my articles: Choosing "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again, Falling For Charisma Instead of Character, and Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

It's important to understand the underlying issues involved so you don't keep making the same mistake (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy  and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek out help from an experienced therapist.

Making healthier choices for yourself will give you a greater sense of well-being and allow you to lead an healthier and happier life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy: A Powerful Combination to Overcome Trauma

In prior articles, I've discussed aspects of psychoanalysis as well as the benefits of using integrative therapy.

What is EMDR Therapy?

See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain 

EMDR Therapy for Big T and Smaller T Trauma.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the powerful combination of contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy.

A Powerful Combination: Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy

What is Contemporary Psychoanalysis?
This is a brief explanation of contemporary psychoanalysis, and I provide links below for books, specifically on a type of contemporary psychoanalysis called Relational psychoanalysis, for anyone who wants a more in-depth understanding of contemporary psychoanalysis.

Many people have the old stereotypical image of psychoanalysis as being the type of therapy where the client does all the talking while lying down on a couch and the psychoanalyst remains seated behind the client, quiet for long stretches at a time until she makes an interpretation to the client for the purpose of helping the client develop insight into his problems.

In the old stereotypical image of psychoanalysis, clients would come for multiple sessions per week, and this could go on for many years.  Also, the analyst tended to remain "abstinent" and "neutral" and did not self disclose anything personal.

Fortunately, very few psychoanalysts work this way any more.

Contemporary psychoanalysis is different from older forms of psychoanalysis.

For instance, I consider myself to be a Relational psychoanalyst, which is a form of contemporary psychoanalysis.

I work in an interactive, dynamic, empathetic and collaborative way with clients.

The number of times the client comes to therapy, whether the client sits up facing me or lays down on the couch or how long the client chooses to remain in therapy doesn't take away from the fact that I'm using contemporary psychoanalysis--even if I don't make interpretations.

Although I practice many different types of therapy, including EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, contemporary psychoanalysis informs my work in terms of the way I conceptualize the client's current problems, the importance of the unconscious mind and the transference aspects of therapy.

What is Relational Psychoanalysis?
Relational psychoanalysis is an integration of British Objects Relations, Self psychology and Interpersonal psychology.

In my professional opinion, this combination offers the best of contemporary psychoanalysis.

Stephen A. Mitchell, Ph.D. is recognized as the psychoanalyst who developed Relational psychoanalysis in the 1980s.

Stephen A. Mitchell and Jay Greenberg's book, Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory (1982) emphasized the importance of relationships.

Dr. Mitchell also wrote about Relational psychoanalysis in his book Relational Concepts in Psychoanalysis.

Combining Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy
As I've mentioned in a prior article, I integrate different types of therapy depending upon the client's needs.  This includes integrating contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy, as needed.

When clients come to therapy to overcome traumatic events in their life, it's important for them to understand how their history contributed to their problems and contemporary psychoanalysis provides this perspective.

It's also important that they understand how their unconscious mind affects their history, their relationships, their decision-making process and, possibly, how their unconscious creates obstacles to overcoming their problems (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Contemporary psychoanalysis, especially Relational psychoanalysis, allows clients to make these connections.

EMDR therapy, which was originally developed specifically to work on trauma, helps to process traumatic events so that they are no longer disturbing to clients.

Why is the Combination of Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy So Effective?
Contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR therapy offer powerful therapeutic benefits separately.  But when they're combined for trauma therapy, they offer the client the in-depth insight of contemporary psychoanalysis and EMDR's relatively faster way of processing trauma.

Among other aspects of EMDR therapy, EMDR helps clients to identify the negative beliefs that they have about themselves related to their trauma.  This negative belief is often rooted in family history and can often be found in many aspects of the client's life.

For example, the negative belief related to the traumatic memory might be "I'm unlovable," which is often part of other problems--not just the one that they're coming in to work on (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable for more details).

EMDR therapy often has generalizable effects, which means that the therapist and client don't have to work on every traumatic event related to the negative belief.

Contemporary psychoanalysis offers the client an opportunity to appreciate the depth of the negative belief as well as other aspects of the trauma.

EMDR therapy offers clients an opportunity to unlock information related to the trauma that is stored in a maladaptive way in the brain.  It allows for memory reconsolidation, which is one of the reasons why it works relatively quickly compared to other forms of trauma therapy.

Combining EMDR therapy and contemporary psychoanalysis provides the most powerful and effective aspects of in-depth therapy with relatively brief therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been suffering with unresolved psychological trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a trauma therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Resolving your trauma will free you from a history that has been keeping you stuck in your life.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you from maximizing your potential.

See my articles: 

The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherap

The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy and the Positive Transference

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist with over 20 years of experience.

I work with individuals and couples.

For clients who are already in therapy with therapists who do not do EMDR therapy and who want to remain with their therapists, I also provide adjunctive EMDR therapy so that clients can remain with their therapists (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

I have helped many clients to overcome their traumatic history to lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

In a prior article, I discussed the effect of growing up in a family where you can't express your emotions (see my article:  Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome the Effect of Growing Up in a Family That Doesn't Talk About Their Feelings).  But there are also times when people try to avoid feeling their feelings and numb themselves emotionally because of a traumatic event in their life.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

In The Little Paris Bookshop: A Novel by Nina George, the protagonist, Jean Perdu, numbed himself for 20 years because of the loss of his relationship.  Rather than allowing himself to feel the pain of the breakup, he shuts down emotionally (see my articles:  Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings in a Healthy Way).

Not only has he numbed his feelings, but he literally locked the room in his apartment that held the the most poignant memories of his relationship from 20 years ago.

Even though Jean has a lot of empathy for others and he knows which books to recommend to heal them emotionally, he numbs himself to his broken heart and, for 20 years, he is unable to heal himself.

The effect of this emotional numbing is that he not only blocks the emotional pain, he also blocks out positive feelings.

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?

Although he is known and admired by many people, including his neighbors and people who go to his bookstore, he remains alone, lonely, cut off from himself and unwilling to deal with the past.

After he makes a surprising discovery, Jean embarks on a transformational journey to deal with the emotional effects of the past.

I won't provide any spoilers about what happened to Jean during his psychological journey, but I recommend reading the book for anyone who has ever experienced psychological trauma or contemplated dealing with past trauma.  Nina George portrays the effects of unresolved trauma poignantly and accurately.  The characters are also vivid and likable.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Psychological Trauma
Many people who suffer with unresolved trauma are hesitant about coming to therapy because they fear that trauma therapy will be too overwhelming (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Psychological Trauma

A skilled trauma therapist knows how to assess clients' traumatic experiences as well as their internal resources so that the work can be manageable.  This doesn't mean that there is no discomfort when working on unresolved trauma in therapy.  It just means that there is a recognition that the therapy must go at a pace that feels safe for clients (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When you numb yourself emotionally, you're not only blocking your traumatic experiences, like Jean Perdu, you're also blocking or muting any positive feelings that you might have, and this is a high price to pay in order to avoid dealing with trauma from the past.

Rather than avoiding the working through process in therapy, you owe it to yourself to get the help that you need.  Once you have worked through past trauma, you will feel more emotionally integrated and have a greater capacity to live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Considering Starting Over With You Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed

After a breakup, it's common for one or both people to consider whether they should get back together again.  While there are times when the two of you might have been hasty about breaking up, there are definitely times when you should consider thinking twice before getting back with your ex (see my articles: Toxic Relationships, Relationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer All, Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible, and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Considering Starting Over With Your Ex? Think Twice and Ask Yourself What Has Changed

Reasons to Think Twice About Getting Back With Your Ex

• You're Afraid to Be Alone:  Fear of being alone after a breakup is common, but if there were serious problems in the relationship, your fear shouldn't be the deciding factor in getting back with your ex (see my articles: Are Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?, On Being Alone, Solitude vs Loneliness, and Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

• You're Afraid That You'll Never Be in Another Relationship Again:  Related to fear of being alone, a fear that you'll never enter into another relationship can cause you to make a bad decision.

• You Only Want to Get Back With Your Ex For Sex:  This consideration by itself isn't a good enough reason for getting back together.  You might miss the sex, but ask yourself if it's worth getting back into a relationship where there were serious problems.

• You're in Denial About the Problems in Your Former Relationship:  Once fear, loneliness and hopelessness set in, it's very easy to fool yourself into minimizing the problems in your relationship.  Denial can be very powerful, and you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak (Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

• Nostalgia is Clouding Your Thinking About Your Former Relationship:  This is a form of denial (see above).  When you're nostalgic about a relationship that was unhealthy for you, it usually means that you're only thinking about the good times without considering the bad times.  But the reality is that if your relationship didn't work out because of unhealthy aspects, chances are that you're going to be facing those problems again after the initial stage of getting back together.

• You've Grown Accustomed to an On-Again-Off-Again Relationship:  You might not have liked the nature of your on-again-off-again relationship, but you might be used to it because the breakups happened so frequently.  These kinds of relationships rarely end well.  Even when you're both willing to get back together again, after a while, the unstable nature of the relationship erodes any good feelings.  After a while, even when you're in a "good phase"in the relationship, you know that a breakup will come again eventually (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On-Again-Off-Again Relationship).

• You're Jealous Because Your Ex is Dating Someone New:  This is definitely not a good reason to get back with your ex.  When you broke up, you each probably knew that you would both move on to seeing other people.  If you get back together with your ex to stop him or her from seeing other people, you're just going to end up back in the same place again.

Consider Thinking Twice Before You Get Back With Your Ex

There are lots of other reasons why you shouldn't get back together again, including emotional and physical abuse.

I think that deep down most people who end an unhealthy relationship know that they shouldn't get back with their ex, but they might not be admitting it to themselves.

When you know that your relationship was unhealthy for you and you still want to get back with your ex, there are usually other underlying reasons that might be out of your awareness.

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people who come to see me about unhealthy relationships have already talked to their friends so many times about it that their friends are tired of hearing about it.

Hearing your friends tell you to "Just don't call him" or "Just don't call her" and hearing the exasperation and judgment in their voices can make you feel very ashamed.

Your friends are probably not going to understand the underlying reasons that are causing you to want to get back into an unhealthy relationship, so it's important to get help in therapy before you make a mistake and get hurt again.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the underlying reasons and provide you with tools to take care of yourself so you can make better decisions for yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than having conversations with your friends that go in circles or suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help from a licensed psychotherapist will help you to making healthier choices and feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to develop insight into their problems, make healthier relationship choices, and develop healthier self esteem.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

You usually don't get to really know someone that you're seeing until you've been with them for a while.  During the initial "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, everything might seem like it's going well.  

But with increased emotional intimacy, core emotional issues begin to come up, and that's when there might be signs that you're in a toxic relationship. 

See my article: 

Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

• Controlling Behavior: What might appear to be concern at first might actually be controlling behavior.  If you're romantic partner needs to always know where you are, whom you're with or makes attempts to control your behavior in other ways, this is a red flag for a toxic relationship.

• Excessive Jealousy:  This often goes along with controlling behavior.  Initially, it might come across as your partner being so in love with you, but excessive jealousy has nothing to do with love--it has all to do with your partner's insecurity.

• Excessive Judgment and Criticism: Your partner might mask signs of excessive judgment and criticism as "suggestions," but if these so-called suggestions undermine your sense of self worth, it's another red flag that you're in a toxic relationship.  This often goes along with controlling behavior and excessive jealousy (see my article: Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?).

• Emotional Abuse: Excessive judgment, criticism, name calling, efforts to undermine your self esteem are forms of emotional abuse.  If your partner exhibits these behaviors, you're being emotionally abused.  Needless to say, physical abuse is dangerous and if your partner is physically abusing you, you should get out of that relationship as soon as possible (see my article: Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Seem "Normal" to You).

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

• Lack of Emotional Support:  If your partner tends to be unable to be there for you emotionally when you're going through a hard time, this is a sign that you're not getting the emotional support that you need and you're probably in a toxic relationship.

• Taking and No Giving: Related to lack of emotional support is the romantic partner who tends to want to take emotional support from you but who is unwilling to give you emotional support.  If you're in this situation, your relationship is one-sided and toxic.

• Constant Drama: Constant drama can be emotionally and physically draining.  There are often other underlying issues going on that you might never figure out.  In any case, emotional drama requires a lot of effort and attention and it often accomplishes nothing.  This is a sign that you're in an unhealthy, toxic relationship (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

• Constant Disappointment: If your romantic partner is unable to keep promises and commitments, you're going to be constantly disappointed.  This is a sign that your partner isn't emotionally reliable, and it's a bad sign for a relationship (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Your Promises).

• Constant Lies, Including Lies of Omission:  Few things are worse for a relationship than dealing with constant lies.  Lies, including lies of omission, are toxic and can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission).

These are some of the major red flags for a toxic relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, these signs usually don't show up until the relationship has become more emotionally intimate because intimacy tends to bring up core issues for people.

Getting Help in Therapy
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step.  Knowing what to do after you recognize these signs is another matter.

It's possible that, even though you recognize these signs, you're ambivalent about getting out of the relationship--even though you know it's unhealthy for you.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand what keeps you stuck in an unhealthy relationship and how to take care of yourself (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Struggling on your own can make you feel worse about yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own or relying on friends who tell you unhelpful things like, "Just get out!," get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has helped other clients to overcome this issue.  Not only will you resolve your problem, but you'll feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Related Articles
Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

The Problem With Trying to Change or "Improve" Your Romantic Partner

Relationships: I'll Change Him/Her After We Get Married.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

In prior articles, I've discussed the challenges of making changes in your life--even changes that you really want. 

See my articles: 

Fear of Change

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Overcoming Resistance to Change  

Making Changes: One Step at a Time, Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Developing the Courage to Change

In this article, I'm focusing on overcoming emotional obstacles that get in the way of making the changes that you want.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

Change is inevitable in life--both wanted and unwanted change.  While it may be logical to you why you resist making changes that you don't want, it might not be so obvious why you're struggling to make changes that you do want.

Let's take a look at some of the most common obstacles to making changes:

Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Unresolved Emotional Issues:  Unresolved emotional issues from childhood often get in the way of making changes.  If you have a longstanding belief that you're undeserving or incapable of having good things in your life, you're going to be in conflict with yourself about making changes that you want.  Similarly, if you feel powerless because of unresolved trauma, you will probably struggle to take the initiative to bring about change (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present,  ).

• Negative Habits:  Unresolved emotional issues often develop into negative habits like: negative self talk, procrastination, disorganization and other similar habits.  These negative habits become so ingrained that it's often difficult for you to see them.  Even when you see them and want to change them, it can very challenging.  For example, if you grew up feeling that you don't deserve positive things in your life, one of your habits might be an internal critic that continues to reinforce these thoughts and feelings.  After a while, these thoughts and emotions can become beliefs that are hard to challenge (see my article:  Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking and Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

• Negative People in Your Life:  Whether they're family members or friends, negative people in your life who reinforce your unresolved emotional issues and negative habits make it harder for you to change.  When you have negative people around you reinforcing the negative beliefs that you have about yourself, you're struggling with both internal and external challenges (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life and Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship).

So, if these are the main obstacles to making changes, how do you overcome these obstacles?  Let's take a look:

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Step Back From Your Unresolved Problems and Become Aware of Their Effect on You:  If you've grown up with certain negative beliefs about yourself, you might not even question whether they're true or not.  That's why it's so important to step back so you can become aware of how unresolved problems, especially longstanding problems, are affecting you.  Awareness and acknowledgement are the first steps.  This isn't about blaming your parents or yourself--it's about trying to be more objective.  And, once you've become aware of your problems and acknowledge them, consider whether there are things you can do now to try to resolve them (see my articles: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

• Be Honest With Yourself About Negative Habits:  Once you've gained some insight into your problems, be honest with yourself about the negative habits that you've developed due to your unresolved problems.  For instance, do you tend to procrastinate when you're fearful of undertaking a certain task or goal?  Does the negative voice inside your head convince you that it's not worth making the effort because you're only going to fail, so why even try?  Once again, this isn't about blame--its about acknowledging what is and trying to find a way to change it.  Maybe you can choose one negative habit that you would like to change and work on that rather than trying to change all your negative habits at once (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination, Overcoming the "I'm Too Old To Change" Mindset and Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Passive Behavior).

• Re-evaluate the Negative People in Your Life:  When you think about who you let into your inner circle, do you have a lot of people who are reinforcing your already negative views about yourself?  In some ways, maybe you feel comfortable with these negative people because they reinforce your already negative views and also reinforce your propensity not to take risks.  But making changes often involves taking certain risks, so be honest with yourself as to how these people are affecting you.  This doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life (although you might decide to do that).  It could also mean that maybe they're not in the inner circle, and you include supportive people in your inner circle instead.

But you might take these steps and still feel like you're stuck in a rut (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps).  Then what?

It's possible that you might have unconscious thoughts and feelings that are getting in your way.  Since these thoughts and feelings are unconscious, it's hard to detect them on your own.  You might get glimpses of them in your dreams or even in your daydreams, but most of the time they will elude you (see my article: What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?).

Getting Help in Therapy
When you're trying to overcome obstacles to making changes in your life and you're unable to do it on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome these obstacles, especially ones that you're not aware of because they're unconscious (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life: Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled therapist can help you to identify these obstacles and provide you with the tools to overcome them.

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help in therapy can help you to make positive changes in your life so that you can lead a happier and more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Your True Self

Discovering who you are can be a lifelong process, especially since everyone changes over time.  In prior articles, I wrote about the false self from Donald Winnicott's perspective and about living a meaningful life (see my articles: Understanding Your False Self - Part 1,  Understanding Your False Self - Part 2, A Search For a Meaningful Life, A Happy Life vs A Meaningful Life and Becoming the Person You Want to Be).  In this article, I'm focusing on how to become your true self.

Becoming Your True Self

There is so much pressure these days to conform to social norms that you might not feel comfortable with, and by conforming to these social norms, you can develop a false or inauthentic self.

What is the True Self?
Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, identified the true self as being spontaneous, creative and alive (see my article: Recapturing Your Sense of Aliveness).

Developing a true self is a journey and that you develop over time.  There's no such thing as having "arrived" at developing a true self because, as I mentioned before, it can be a lifelong process.

By discovering who you are and living authentically and consistently with your values, you will have more of a sense of well-being.

There's no one way to achieve authenticity (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values), but here are some suggestions that might be helpful to you:

Suggestions For Developing Your True Self

• Keep a Journal: In prior articles, I've written about the importance of keeping a journal.  When you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, over time, you learn about what's important to you and what makes you feel authentic.  Keeping a journal allows you to have a dialogue with your deeper self (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety, and Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life).

• Spend Time in Self Reflection: Rather than keeping yourself busy every moment of the day, take some time to yourself and think about how your past and your current situations affect who you are.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful to keep you grounded and to develop insight into yourself and the world around you (see my articles: How to Connect With the Quiet Place Within Yourself and Creating Time For Self Reflection: Mindfulness).

• Talk to Loved Ones Who Are Also Developing a More Authentic Self: When you talk to others who are also trying to live more authentically, you develop insights into your own struggles.  You can also feel supported and cared about by people who are going through a similar stage.

• Read Inspirational Literature About Authenticity: By reading stories about people who have learned to develop a true self or who have struggled with issues around authenticity, you can feel inspired in your own journey.  This includes both fiction and nonfiction (see my article: Reading Literature and the Positive Effects on the Brain).

• Ask Yourself: What is My Purpose in Life?  This is another area that changes over time as you change.  Asking yourself what your purpose in life is helps you to live in a purposeful way rather than just drifting from one day to the next.  When you live your life with intention, your goals will most likely fall into place because you have an overarching purpose and all major decisions will be made to serve that purpose (see my article: Starting the Day With an Intention).

It's not easy to know if you're living as your true self.  It takes time and effort to think about what's important to you and how you will achieve authenticity.  

Even after you identify your core values, you might feel conflicted and ambivalent about your values.

You might be afraid of disappointing people in your life who might have a different vision for you.  It takes courage to stand up for what feels true and right for you.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

We all have certain unconscious blind spots and it's usually very challenging to discover your authentic self on your own.  

Usually, people come up against the same blocks over and over again and they only get so far on their own.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles, both conscious and unconscious, that are getting in the way of becoming your true self (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

While we're all human and none of us can always be our true self, when you live aligned with your values and what's most important to you, you will feel more fulfilled in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to live more authentically.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.