What is the Defense Mechanism Known As "Projection" and How Does It Affect Relationships?

What is the Defense Mechanism Called "Projection"?

Projection is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, behavior, motives or character traits onto someone else.

What is Projection?

The projection acts as a shield for the person's ego. Instead of confronting uncomfortable truths about their own behavior, feelings and other uncomfortable truths (including feelings of guilt, shame, emotional insecurity or anger), the person who projects externalizes them so that, in their own mind, these problems belong to the other person.

This concept was originally developed in psychoanalytic and psychodynamic theories and most depth-oriented therapists today recognize projection when it's happening in the therapy session, when couples use it in couples therapy or when individual adult clients talk about it in terms of their relationships outside of therapy.

What is Projection?

Defense mechanisms are categorized in a hierarchy ranging from "primitive" (also called "early" or "immature" if the person is an adult) to "mature". The categorization is based on when the person developed the defense mechanism and how they distort reality.

Why is Projection Considered a "Primitive Defense"?

When adults use projection as a defense mechanism, it is considered to be on the primitive end of the defense mechanism spectrum for several important reasons:

• 1. Early Development Origin: As previously mentioned, defenses are categorized on a spectrum. The early developmental defenses, like projection, are the mind's earliest boundary-making tools. Projection usually develops in early childhood before a child has the emotional and cognitive capacities to process complex internal conflicts. Projection is also considered a primitive defense because it develops when a child is still learning to differentiate "me" from "not me" (i.e., their internal world vs their external world).

• 2. A Gross Distortion of Reality: Adults with higher level, more mature defense mechanisms (rationalization, intellectualization and so on) accept reality, but they might reframe it. This is in contrast to how primitive defenses actually alter the way a person perceives reality. Projection forces a severe distortion: The individual completely misperceives an internal truth as an external threat. This fundamentally alters their view of another person's intentions or character.

• 3. All-or-Nothing Thinking: Primitive defenses, like projection, operate on binary all-or-nothing thinking. With projection, the person's ego cannot tolerate what they perceive as a "bad" trait within the inner world, so they project the trait or behavior externally. This lack of nuance is the hallmark of primitive psychological functioning (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

Common Examples of Projection

• Relationship Insecurity: Without realizing it, someone who is feeling like they would like to end their relationship because they cannot tolerate the relationship problems often uses projection. This is especially true when the problems they bring to the relationship feel intolerable. So, instead of owning and taking responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, they accuse their partner of wanting to end the relationship. Another example: If someone is cheating, they accuse their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat.

What is Projection?

• Workplace Hostility: An employee who dislikes another coworker might tell others, "That person hates me". They convert what they are feeling, which is, "I don't like that person" into "They don't like me."

• Bullying and Insecurity: A person who criticizes others for being "weak" or "stupid" is often projecting their own deep-seated insecurities onto others.

Why Do Adults Use Projection as a Defense Mechanism?

Projection is unconscious, as I mentioned before, so it's not usually done maliciously. It often happens for specific psychological reasons:

• Reducing Anxiety and Stress: It's very difficult for a person who uses projection to face their own worst traits. Unconsciously shifting these uncomfortable thoughts, feelings  and traits onto a "scapegoat" relieves the immediate internal pressure because the traits have been externalized.

• Protecting Self Esteem: Projection allows an individual to maintain a positive self image by denying their own worst traits and habits.

• Avoiding Accountability: By focusing on the perceived faults of others, the person avoids taking responsibility for their own problems.

• Personality Disorders and Early Trauma: Projection is heavily associated with narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder. It is also associated with early unresolved trauma. Note: Just because someone uses projection as a defense mechanism doesn't necessarily mean they have a personality disorder, but there is a high association between projection and personality disorders. However, if someone uses projection, they usually have early unresolved childhood trauma, which is called developmental trauma. Projection develops during early childhood and for many people it continues into adulthood if they don't get help in therapy.

How Does Projection Affect Relationships?

Projection acts like a psychological shield when the person projecting shifts internal insecurities onto a partner. This damages trust and communication in the relationship.

Projection damages relationships because it:

• Creates False Accusations: Example: A person accuses their partner of trying to control them instead of dealing with their own controlling behavior towards their partner.

• Erodes Mutual Trust: Baseless accusations makes the other person feel targeted and unsafe. Over time, the accused partner stops sharing thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict. 

What is Projection?

• Blocks Real Conflict Resolution: Arguments center on the imagined behavior instead of the actual root issue. The person who is projecting refuses to acknowledge their problem so conflicts aren't resolved and the couple keeps arguing about the same issues over and over again without resolution.

• Causes Emotional Exhaustion: The accused partner keeps defending themselves against baseless and unfair accusations. This cycle drains energy, leads to deeper resentment and perpetuates the same ongong cycle. This usually happens if the person who is projecting doesn't get help in psychotherapy with a qualified therapist.

• Triggers Reality Distortion: The projecting partner truly believes their distorted thinking, feeling and perception of reality, which is distorted. This dynamic can cause the accused partner to question their own sense of reality if they allow the projecting partner to overcome their sense of reality.

Breaking the Cycle of Using Projection as a Defense Mechanism

Since projection is unconscious and develops at a very early age, it can't be resolved without professional help in therapy.

Working with an experienced psychotherapist who understands the unconscious nature of projection (not all therapists are trained to understand projection) can help an accusing individual to pause and look at their own dynamic--before they accuse their partner.

A skilled psychotherapist can help to uncover and address deeply hidden insecurities that are at the root of using projection. She can also help an individual to develop other higher functioning ways of interacting with others, including intimate partners. 

The work isn't quick or easy because projection is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism that is used from early childhood into adulthood. A person who uses projection must be motivated to change and stick with the therapy.

The challenge is that people who use projection often go from one therapist to another because they use projection to defend against the therapist and the therapy. This means they blame the therapist--in the same way as they use projection with others.

Consequently, a licensed mental health must know how to work in a way that feels relatively safe for the client and, at the same time, gently helps the client to make unconscious projection conscious. 

That is the first step. After developing awareness of how the client uses projection, they need to be willing to take steps to change, which is also challenging because of their internal fragility.

For a client who is psychologically fragile, which includes people who use projection, the therapist needs do a thorough assessment, including assessing the client's window of tolerance and help the client to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to deal with making these changes.

Unfortunately, most people who use projection never seek help in therapy and they remain stuck in their negative cycle.

Get Help in Therapy

If you use projection as your defense mechanism, you risk placing your relationships with others, especially your intimate relationship, in jeopardy.

What is Projection?

Although it might not be easy to accept that you're using a primitive defense mechanism from early childhood, using projection and damaging your relationships is much worse.

You can learn about yourself and transform in therapy with a therapist who has an expertise in helping clients with primitive defense mechanisms. This can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before I set up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence-Based Therapy

How to Develop a Curious Mindset

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You

Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If You Were in the Past

Understanding Traumatizing Narcissists and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

Riding the Waves of Transformation

What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy is a type of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Clinical intuition is an important aspect of all Experiential Therapy.

AEDP was developed by New York psychologist, Diana Fosha (see my articles: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal?- Part 1 and Part 2).

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

In AEDP, intuition acts as an important mechanism bridging the gap between intellectual theory and deep emotional healing.

AEDP privileges right-brain-to-right brain emotional connection over traditional left-brain analytic talking.

What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in AEDP?

1. Therapist-Led Clinical Intuition: 

In AEDP, clinical intuition is defined as a direct, immediate and embodied knowing. It's not a random guess. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

Clinical intuition in AEDP is a highly sophisticated, unconscious pattern recognition developed from deep clinical experience:

• Moments of Rapid Clinical Intuition: Also known by the metaphor of the "blink effect", the AEDP therapist senses somatic and relational shifts between her and the client. This process bypasses left-brain reasoning. It allows the therapist to know the what, when and how to intervene in the moment with the client.

• Right-Brain Attunement: The AEDP therapist uses right-brain receptiveness to register the client's micro-expressions, shifts in vocal tone, and non-verbal somatic cues.  

• Deciding on Interventions: This intuitive state tells the AEDP therapist whether to offer comfort, share authentic self disclosure or challenge a defense.

2. Contemplative Presence

A therapist's intuition is maximized through what AEDP calls "contemplative presence". This requires a specific state of mind and body:

• Micro-Tracking: The AEDP therapist mentally tracks the client's verbal and non-verbal communication while simultaneously tracking her own internal emotional and embodied responses.

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• Mind Emptying: The therapist empties her mind to remain completely open to whatever happens in the here-and-now.

• Mindful Awareness: The therapist roots her body with mindful breathing and physical presence to clear a space for intuitive insights.

3. Awakening the Client's Inner Knowing

The AEDP therapist helps client's to tap into their own intuition:

• Trauma and chronic distress often causes clients to disconnect from their bodies and second-guess their feelings. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• By asking somatic awareness questions like, "Where do you feel that in your body?", the therapist co-regulates the client's anxiety and other emotions that might be getting in the way of their knowing what they are feeling.

• This allows the clients to access their innate drive to heal, which AEDP calls "transformance". With this process, clients regain their own intuitive sense of what feels healthy, authentic or "off" in their choices and relationships.

Summary of Differences Between AEDP and Traditional Talk Therapy

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and traditional talk therapy have important fundamental differences:

Dimension

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Left-brain: Intellectual insight, rational analysis and narrative focus
• AEDP: Right brain: Intuitive focus, somatic tracking and emotional resonance

Therapist's Stance

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Neutral, observant, objective and technique-driven
• AEDP: Explicitly engaged, emotionally authentic and intuitively responsive

Sequence of Healing

• Traditional Talk Therapy: A reliance on insight and logic for changes in behavior and emotion
• AEDP: Somatic, intuitive emotional transformation occurs first and insight follows (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Intellectual Insight Isn't Enough).

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

When you work through unresolved problems, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist who integrates many different types of Experiential Therapies to help clients to heal from trauma and emotional distress, including: 

• AEDP
• IFS
• EMDR, 
• Somatic Experiencing, 
• EFT for Couples
• Hypnotherapy

I am also a Certified Sex Therapist for individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up the first appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does AEDP Work? 

How Does AEDP Process Emotions?

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance AEDP?

Riding the Waves of Transformation

What Lessons Can We Learn From the Greek Myth About Tantalus?

If you have been reading my blog, you probably realize that I really love Greek mythology and the Homeric tales (see links to article below).

What is the Myth of Tantalus?

The myth of Tantalus is a famous myth about a Greek king who abused his relationships with the gods of Mount Olympus which resulted in his eternal punishment in Tartarus.

Lessons to Be Learned From Myth About Tantalus

His story is the direct origin of the word "tantalize" which describes the torture of being teased with something you can see but you can never reach or touch.

Before he lost favor with the gods, Tantalus was the demigod son of Zeus. Early on, he was favored by the gods and invited to dine with them on Mount Olympus. However, Tantalus had excessive pride and arrogance as well as being overly confident in himself and his hubris led to his downfall.

Tantalus betrayed the gods through a series of escalating crimes:

Tantalus' Crimes

• Stealing Immortality: He stole the food of the gods, nectar and ambrosia, to give to mortals so they could become immortal.

• Betraying Secrets: He gossiped and betrayed sacred secrets that he learned while dining on Olympus.

• The Ultimate Sin: To test whether the gods really knew everything, Tantalus murdered his own son, Pelops, chopped him up, cooked him into a stew and served it to the gods at a banquet.

Most of the gods immediately recognized that the stew had human flesh and refused to eat it--except Demeter, who was so upset and distracted by the loss of her daughter, Persephone, that she ate part of it.

Zeus Punishes Tantalus

Enraged by Tantalus' actions, Zeus cast him into the deep abyss of Tartarus where he was forced to stand in a pool of fresh water up to his neck. Whenever he bent down to drink the water, he was unable to drink even one drop because the water receded into the earth leaving him always parched.

Another part of his punishment was that delicious fruit hung over his head, but whenever he reached up to take a piece, a strong wind blew the branches just out of his grasp.

In some versions of the myth, a huge stone was balanced precariously over his head which left him in a constant state of terror of being crushed.

In the aftermath of Tantalus' punishment, the gods revived his son, but the actions of Tantalus cast a shadow and a curse on future generations in his descendants, known as the House of Atreus. One of his descendants was Agamemnon who is an important character in the Homeric tales, The Iliad and The Odyssey.

What Can We Learn From the Greek Myth About Tantalus?

The myth of Tantalus serves as a powerful psychological and moral allegory. It offers three important lessons about human behavior and ethics:

1. Beware of Hubris

• The Lesson: Privilege does not place you above moral laws.

• The Context: Tantalus was welcomed as a peer among the gods, but he allowed his status to breed destructive arrogance.

• Modern Parallel: Powerful leaders or individuals who believe their status exempts them from the laws often face catastrophic downfalls.

2. Guard Against Insatiable Craving

• The Lesson: Tracing endless validation or greed can create permanent psychological torment.

• The Context: Tantalus' punishment mirrors his life of endless, ungrateful wanting.

• Modern Parallel: The "hedonic treadmill", where achieving a goal only causes someone to immediately obsess over the next desire, will only lead to perpetual dissatisfaction.

3. Trust and Boundaries Are Sacred

• The Lesson: Betraying core relationships and foundational ethics destroys your future.

• The Context: Tantalus betrayed the ultimate Greek law of hospitality, Xenia, by stealing from his hosts. He also betrayed the ultimate law of nature by sacrificing his own child for a petty test.

• Modern Parallel: Breaking fundamental trust in relationships and communities can trigger a toxic chain reaction that damages families for generations.

What is the Connection to Modern Psychology?

The myth of Tantalus connects deeply to modern psychology, particularly in how it illustrates the problems with constant craving and chronic dissatisfaction.

Modern psychology uses the myth of Tantalus to explain the human mind:

The Hedonic Treadmill

• The Concept: Humans quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative consequences in their life.

Hedonic Treadmill

• The Connection: Just like Tantalus reaching for fruit that immediately blew away, people often chase a promotion, a luxury item or status because they believe it will bring them permanent satisfaction. But once they get what they want, the thrill vanishes and leaves them craving more (see my article: Why Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work).

The Psychology of Craving

• The Concept: Modern neuroscience distinguishes "wanting" (craving) from "liking" (pleasure).

• The Connection: Tantalus represents unadulterated craving without the possibility of pleasure. In situations like this, the brain is trapped in a state of intense, agonizing craving, but once a person gets what he craves, it does not bring pleasure. Instead, it creates a self-perpetuating loop of torment.

4. Frustration Aggression Theory

• The Concept: Psychological distress escalates rapidly when a highly anticipated goal is blocked just before completion.

• The Connection: Tantalus isn't just starving--he's tantalized. The psychological torture comes from proximity. Modern studies reveal that being so close to a reward and losing it triggers much more anger and stress than being nowhere near it at all.

5. Intergenerational Trauma

• The Concept: Unresolved trauma, toxic behaviors and psychological patterns in parents are often passed down to damage future generations (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

• The Connection: Tantalus sacrificed his son. This horrific act sparked a curse that plagued his children and grandchildren (the House of Atreus) for generations. Psychotherapists see this as an early literary representation of how familial abuse perpetuates itself until someone actively breaks the cycle and gets help in therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up a first appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

 

Also See My Articles:

How Can Reading The Odyssey Foster Psychological Development? 

How Can the Hero's Journey Help You With Big Problems in Your Life? 

The Psychological Benefits of Reading Literature

The Power of Storytelling 

 

What is the Step-By-Step IFS Therapy Process?

In my last article, Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy, I began a discussion about perfectionism and IFS therapy.

In the current article, I'm discussing the step-by-step process of IFS healing perfectionism.

Although I'm focusing on perfectionism, the IFS process for healing is the same for other problems including anxiety, depression and trauma as well as other mental health issues.

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

Instead of trying to force you to eliminate parts of yourself, IFS helps you to understand, communicate with and untangle these parts. 

This allows your Core Self, which is also known as your true self, to lead a life with compassion and balance (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?).

How Does IFS Therapy Help With Perfectionism?

As I have mentioned in my prior article, IFS is an gentle, evidence-based therapy that is effective for overcoming most mental health issues.

IFS Therapy and Perfectionism

From the IFS therapy perspective, perfectionism is driven by certain parts of the personality that include three different categories:

• Proactive Protectors ("Managers"): These protectors include the perfectionist and inner critic parts. The perfectionist part sets unreasonably high standards and the inner critic micromanages your behavior. Their goal is to ensure that you behave flawlessly so you never have to experience failure or judgment. The overall goal of proactive parts is to protect you from your wounded inner child (see below).

• Reactive Protectors ("Firefighters"): When the proactive protectors inevitably fail to live up to the "perfect" standards and the wounded parts of yourself get triggered, the firefighters, who are reactive protectors, step in to numb the pain. This might include sudden procrastination, drinking or drugging excessively, constant scrolling on your phone and so on--anything that numbs the pain. The reactive part's goal is also to protect the wounded inner child (see below).

• The Vulnerable Wounded Inner Child ("Exile"): This is the hidden part of your personality that carries the emotional wounds from the past. This part carries feelings of inadequacy, shame or the belief that you are only lovable when you succeed. The proactive and reactive parts work relentless to keep this wounded part buried so you don't feel the emotional pain. 

How Do These Parts Develop?

These parts don't just develop out of nowhere.

Childhood Wounded Parts 

They develop as survival strategies in response to your childhood, environment or cultural conditioning.

According to Dr. Richard Schwartz, who developed IFS therapy, parts are naturally healthy before they take on the burden of survival strategies. 

As I will explain below, the goal of IFS therapy is to help these parts to let go of their rigid, exhausting roles so they can take on new healthy roles.

What is the Step-By-Step Healing Process in IFS For Perfectionism?

IFS therapy has a step-by-step healing process:

• Stepping Back From Your Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: This is called "unblending" in IFS. From an IFS perspective, when you are "blended" or enmeshed with these parts, you believe that they are your entire identity instead of just a part of you. An IFS trained therapist can help you to create space between your Core Self, also known as your true identity, and your protective parts. This space allows you to observe these parts rather than being consumed by them.

• Discovering the Positive Intent of the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: IFS therapy operates from the premise that there are "no bad parts", which means that every part has a positive intention. So, instead of fighting with the perfectionist and inner critic parts, you can approach them with curiosity and compassion. With the help of your IFS therapist, you learn to have an internal dialogue with these parts and ask them what they think would happen if they stopped pushing you. The perfectionist and inner critic parts frequently respond that they are afraid if they didn't push you, you would get hurt again by being abandoned or rejected as you were in the past. In other words, the parts are trying to protect you in the only way they know how--by demanding perfection and criticizing you when, inevitably, you don't achieve perfection--because there's no such thing as perfection.

• Accessing the Calm and Compassionate Core Self: By experiencing a separation from these parts, you can gain access to your calm and compassionate Core Self. When you treat the parts with calm and compassion, instead of frustration and anger. Then, their protective grip usually begins to soften--if not immediately, then over time.

• Healing the Underlying Emotional Wound ("The Unburdening Process"): Once the perfectionist and inner critic parts trust that your Core Self can handle things, they allow you and your IFS therapist to safely access the wounded part of yourself. At that point, your Core Self can comfort the inner young wounded child part, witness its past pain, and help it to release ("unburden") the deeply held belief that its worth depends on being perfect. 

• Assigning New Roles to the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: In IFS therapy, healing these parts doesn't mean losing your drive or ambition. It means that once the underlying fear is resolved, the perfectionist and critical parts are freed from their exhausting "guard duty" (also known as defenses). At that point, they can transition into healthy new roles, such as being a detail-oriented ally, an organizer or a source of joyful creativity without ruling your sense of self worth.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As previously mentioned, IFS therapy is a gentle, evidence based therapy.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or  email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Understanding Your Protector Parts From an IFS Therapy Perspective

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

In my prior article, Journal Prompts to Cope With Perfectionism, I began a discussion about perfectionism.

In the current article, I'm discussing perfectionism from an IFS therapy perspective (see my article: IFS is a Gentle, Evidence Based Therapy).

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

In the next article, I'll discuss how IFS Therapy can help with overcoming perfectionism.

How Do Defensive Parts Develop?

From an IFS therapy perspective, defensive parts usually develop at an early age.

In IFS these parts are known as proactive and reactive parts.

When you're faced with trauma or adversity, some of the internal parts of yourself are forced to take on extreme, rigid roles to protect you from pain. This usually occurs when you have had experiences as a child of rejection, failure, loneliness, conditional love, abuse or childhood emotional neglect.

The Core Self: 

From an IFS perspective, the Core Self is not a part. 

Everyone is born with a Core Self and a natural ability to heal. However, when there is childhood trauma, the Core Self can get blended with your defensive parts (both proactive and reactive parts). That can make it difficult to access the Core Self. 

Your IFS therapist can help you to discover your Core Self which helps with the healing process (see below for explanations about the proactive and reactive/defensive parts).

The Core Self and the 8 Cs

The Core Self is composed of the 8 Cs:

• Curiosity: Wanting to learn about your thoughts and feelings without judgment
• Compassion: Feeling kind towards your inner struggles
• Calm: Feeling steady and peaceful inside--even during rough times
• Clarity: Seeing your situation clearly without emotional fog
• Courage: Feeling able to face hard truths and uncomfortable emotions
• Confidence: Trusting that you can handle what comes your way
• Creativity: Opening up to new ideas and flexible ways of thinking
• Connectedness: Feeling a deep sense of belonging within yourself and with others

The Wounded and Defensive Parts:

This is the usual sequence of how wounded and defensive parts develop and how IFS healing process:

• 1. The Wounded Child Develops First During Childhood Trauma: Before the proactive or reactive parts develop, a vulnerable child part is wounded. The vulnerable child part is not a proactive or reactive part. It's the part that holds the trauma. As an example, a child might be rejected, yelled at or abused by a parent when she gets a bad grade at school. The child internalizes the parent's attitude towards her and believes "I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless". In order to survive, the child's system buries the memory and painful emotion deep inside, which creates the exiled wounded child part.

• 2. The Perfectionist Part Steps Up to Prevent Pain (Proactive Part): Once the wounded part is buried, the internal system realizes it can never allow the wounded part to be triggered or exposed again. The proactive part emerges to police your life and prevent future pain before it can happen again. This part's strategy is, "If I can be perfect and never make mistakes, no one can ever reject or hurt me again."  This part takes over your consciousness and establishes impossibly high standards. This might work reasonably well for you as a child and you get praise from relatives and teachers, which reinforces this survival strategy. 

• 3. The Inner Critic Develops a Preemptive Shield: As life becomes more complex, maintaining 100% perfection becomes impossible. To protect you from the crushing blow of external judgment, a harsher manager called the inner critic, develops after the perfectionist develops. The inner critic believes that beating you up first (before you get external criticism) provides a safe shield. The inner critic's logic is, "If I criticize you for being lazy or messy before anyone else notices, I'll force you to fix it before others are able to hurt you." The inner critic often adopts the same words, attitude and tone of the critical authority figures from your past (parents, teachers and critical others). The inner critic learned that those voices are what define "safety" and "correctness".

• 4. The Parts Freeze in Time: The primary reason why these parts continue to be problems is that they are frozen in the past. Your perfectionist and critical parts often don't know that you are no longer child. They still believe you are that fragile child that couldn't survive without them.  

• 5. The Parts Take on Healthy Roles: As part of IFS therapy, you learn to have a dialogue and a relationship with these parts of yourself to help them to understand that you now have adult resilience.  As you develop a trusting relationship with these parts, they usually realize for the first time that you are no longer a fragile child that needs protection and they can relax instead of staying in exhausting roles. This allows them to take on healthy functions. For instance, instead of obsessively criticizing and striving for perfection, they might encourage you with a sense of healthy motivation.

Conclusion

For the sake of simplicity, I have described an inner world that has one wounded part, one proactive defensive part and one reactive defensive part. 

In reality, there are usually many wounded, proactive and reactive parts to heal.

Although I have focused on perfectionism, the IFS step-by-step process is the same for any other problem.

In my next article, I'll discuss how IFS therapy works to heal perfectionism.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been trying without success to work through your problems, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

IFS therapy can help you to heal your problems so you can be live a more fulfilling life free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute free phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Somatic IFS? 

How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Can IFS Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

Journal Prompts to Cope With Perfectionism

As I discussed in a prior article, Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety, journaling is a powerful tool when you want to make changes in your life.

When you're struggling with trying to be "perfect", journaling can help you to soften your perfectionistic tendencies, including calming down your inner critic (see my article: The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis).

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Journaling can also help you to understand the root of your problem and also develop self compassion for the critical part of yourself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

The act of journaling gives you a safe space to explore your feelings.

The other benefits to journaling about perfectionism include:

• Explore the Roots of Your Problem and the Triggers - Understanding the origin of your problem can also help you understand how perfectionism became a survival strategy and coping mechanism.

• Your Early Influences: Did your parents, teachers, mentors or other people in your life exhibit perfectionist behavior?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Your Earliest Memories: What is your first memory of feeling the urge to be "perfect"?

• Your Current Triggers: What specific situations trigger your inner critic and perfectionist behavior (e.g., family, relationships, work, fitness etc)?

• Your Cultural Pressure: How do your cultural and social circles influence how you feel about past achievements and future aspirations?

• Your Past and Current Survival Strategies: How did perfectionism act as a survival strategy in the past and in current situations? How is it hurting you now?

• Have Dialogues With Your Inner Critic - Perfectionism often shows up in extreme ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. You can challenge rigid rules and reframe distorted thoughts and unhelpful feelings and behaviors:

• Define "Good Enough": What internal or external benchmarks do you use to decide if a task or project is "good enough" and complete? (Perfection vs. Good Enough).

• Expose the Hidden Rules: What unconscious rules do you live by that keep your anxiety and perfectionism high?

• Consider the Worst Case Scenario: If you were to fail at your current goal, project or task, what is the worst thing that could happen?

• Choose Alternative Self Talk: What is a harsh thought about yourself that you had recently? What is a kinder, more realistic alternative that you can tell yourself instead?

• Redefine Failure: What is your current emotional relationship with failure? How can you see it as useful information for you instead of failure?

• Release Control and Embrace Failure - Letting to of perfectionism allows you to focus and feel free about the process:

• Loosen Your Grip: Where in your life are you trying to control the outcome the most?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

• Try an Experiment: What is one small thing you can intentionally do imperfectly this week just to see the outcome?

• Lower the Bar: Which of your deadlines or unrealistic self-imposed standards can you safely lower today?

• Learn to Enjoy the Mess: What would you enjoy right now if you weren't concerned about making it "perfect"?

• Reclaim Your Time: What would help the perfectionist part of yourself to relax and soften to give you some free time back?

• Celebrating Progress and Self Compassion - Shift your focus to the personal growth you have developed and not on what you have left to do:

• Focus on Past Desires: What do you currently do or possess that you wanted in the past? Ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago?

• Focus on Boundary Wins: What demands are you now declining that you used to  accept out of guilt or shame?

• Recognize Unseen Achievements: Write down three wins from this week that have nothing to do with external productivity--no matter how small they are.

• Recognize Your Unconditional Self Worth: Aside from your accomplishments or hoped-for accomplishments and regardless of productivity, what qualities do you possess that make you an inherently valuable person?

Writing in a Journal to Cope With Perfectionism

Quick Tips For Journalers Who Are Perfectionists

People who have perfectionist tendencies often struggle with journaling because they get stuck in certain areas. This is usually because they:

• Want to pick the "perfect" book or online site to use to journal.
• Believe their journal should be "flawless" with no scratch outs or scribbles.
• Believe that whatever they write should be very insightful all the time.

If this sounds like you, you can try these quick tips to see if they're helpful for you:

• The "Ruin It" Strategy: If you're writing in a journal book, you can start your journal with a big intentional scribble to break the distortion in your thinking that your journal must be "perfect".

• Time Your Writing Sessions: Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and stop writing when the timer goes off--even if you are in mid-sentence. This can help you to overcome the habit that what you're doing must be completely finished.

• No Editing Allowed: Use a pen. Don't cross out mistakes. Don't tear out pages from your journal. Allow the journal to be messy.

Get Help in Therapy

These journal prompts and tips can help you to cope with perfectionism.

However, if you want to overcome perfectionism, you might need to do deeper work with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the problems that are holding you back.

Get Help in Therapy 

Rather than struggling on your own, IFS Therapy is particularly effective at helping clients to overcome perfectionism and other problems (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence Based Therapy).

I will write more about how proactive and reactive parts develop from an IFS therapy perspective.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Fear of Change 

What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset? 

What is Somatic IFS Therapy? 

Coping With Perfectionism in Relationships