Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Sexlessness is common in many long term relationships according to relationship experts Stephen A. Mitchell, who wrote Can Love Last? and Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Dr. Mitchell indicates that the need for absolute emotional safety often deadens eroticism in long term relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Many people unconsciously create such emotionally secure relationships that the comfort and safety come at the expense of the couple's sex life (see my article: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles Equals Sexual Excitement).

The unintended consequences are that they create a dull and lifeless sex life because their partner becomes more like a parent or sibling, which makes sex unappealing to say the least.

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

One of the scenarios in Dr. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?, illustrates how someone in a long term relationship can unconsciously create a dull sex life.

Susan needed and expected her husband to dote on her. But she also complained in her therapy sessions that all of her husband's doting, which she insisted upon, was anti-erotic.  At the same time, she carried on a passionate sexual affair with a younger man whom she described as sexually exciting.

Susan was unaware that she was unconsciously creating an anti-erotic environment at home with her husband due to her need for his doting care and she was relegating her erotic needs to the man with whom she was having a secret affair.

As she became aware in therapy of how she was orchestrating the dullness in her marriage and the sexual excitement in her affair, she also became aware of how sexually guarded she was with her husband and how free she felt in her affair.  

Once she realized how she had been unknowingly creating these situations with the two men in her life, she talked to her husband about making changes in their sex life.  

This allowed her to be more sexually adventurous with her husband when they went away for a weekend.  Instead of relegating her erotic feelings to her affair, she allowed herself to be more erotically authentic in her marriage (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

How Sex Therapy Helps Couples to Rekindle Their Sex Life

Sex therapy can help low-sex or no-sex couples to see how they might have unconsciously created erotic dullness in their relationship in order to feel their relationship is predictable and safe (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

People in long term relationships often want to feel their partner is completely knowable and predictable.  However, in reality, there are always parts of yourself and your partner that are yet to be discovered.

When couples strive to create an atmosphere of absolute predictability and permanence in their relationship, they can unknowingly create the unintended deadness in their sex life.  

Sex therapy helps couples to recognize the unconscious dynamic they have created so they are freer to explore their sexuality and create a more erotic dynamic.  

This doesn't mean they no longer experience emotional security in their relationship. Instead, it means they learn to balance the need for security with a fulfilling sex life (see my article: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

People come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues in Sex Therapy?).

Whether you're single or in any type of relationship, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Insight in Therapy Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

There's a common misconception that if you develop insight in therapy, the insight alone will bring about lasting change.  But this isn't true (see my article: A Common Myth About Therapy: Therapy is All Talk and No Action).

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

Insight alone doesn't bring about change. Insight can help you to understand the problem, which is a good first step.  But you need a lot more than insight, especially when you want to make a major change.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Combined With Action on Your Part Can Bring About Lasting Change

As I've written in a prior article, mind-body oriented therapy is also known as Experiential Therapy.

Experiential therapy, including EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work, provides a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can facilitate change on an emotional level rather than just on an intellectual level.  This means an emotional shift, which can be transformational when it is combined with taking action.

The emotional shift can be in how you feel about yourself, your problems and the necessary steps needed to make lasting change (see my article: Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy).

Are You Willing to Do the Work in Therapy to Make Lasting Change?

Over the years I've received many calls from people who have been in therapy with other therapists for years but who haven't changed. 

Often they'll say that they gained a lot of insight into their problems and their therapist was nice, but their problems remained the same.

In most cases these clients talked about their problems and the therapist helped them to make the connection between their personal history and their current problems. For most of these clients this was a good start, but that's where it ended.

Insight Isn't Enough to Make Lasting Change

How Contemporary Psychotherapy Has Changed

For the most part, contemporary psychotherapy no longer involves clients free associating to a neutral therapist who barely says a word the whole time. 

Contemporary psychotherapy is much more interactive these days with an active therapist and an active client.

Clients who want to make lasting change need to be willing to do the work. Beyond developing insight, this means taking steps--no matter how small--to make changes.  

I think many people don't realize that working on making changes in is a major commitment  in time and effort in weekly therapy.  

Unfortunately, there are some people who believe that the therapist is the one who does something to bring about the change they want.  But that's not how therapy works. 

In collaboration with your therapist, you have to be willing to make a plan so you can take steps to make changes (see my article: Making Changes Requires Taking Action).

Are You Feeling Stuck in Your Therapy?

If you're currently in therapy and you're feeling stuck, as a start, talk to your therapist so you can both assess how and why you're stuck (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Therapist When Something is Bothering You About Your Therapy and Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes).

Sometimes there's a part of you that wants to change and another part that doesn't. This isn't unusual. Ambivalence is common for clients in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

An effective way of working with these different aspects within you is to work with a therapist who does Parts Work Therapy, which is also referred to as Ego States Therapy or Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

Aside from talking to your current therapist, take time to assess your own willingness to take action.  If you're not ready to take any steps, you might not be ready to make changes at this point in your life.

If you continue to feel stuck after you have talked to your therapist and you have done your own personal assessment of your willingness to take steps to change, you can consult with another therapist who works in a different way to understand how another type of therapy might help you. 

Sometimes an adjunct therapy, like adjunctive EMDR therapy, can help to enhance the work in your current therapy (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

When you attend an adjunct therapy, you remain with your current therapist and also work with an adjunctive therapist. 

Assuming your current therapist is willing, you provide consent to both therapists to share information about your therapy so they can collaborate on the work.

Being proactive in your own change process can be an empowering experience.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sexual desire. Each person is different.

How Women Who Have Lost Sexual Desire Can Get It Back

What Are Some of the Reasons Why Women Lose Their Sexual Desire?

For women a decrease or loss of sexual desire can occur for many reasons. 

Here are just a few of the many reasons why women can experience a loss of sexual desire:

• Stress
• Anxiety
  
• Depression
• Painful sex
  
• Unfulfilling sex
• A negative body image
• A partner with sexual problems
• Problems in a relationship
• Problems in the family
• Unresolved grief
  
• Hormonal changes
• Medical issues
• Side effects from medication
• A history of sexual abuse
• A history of other unresolved trauma
• Financial problems

Tips For Getting Back Sexual Desire That Might Be Helpful

Although every woman is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for getting back your libido, consider the following tips which might be helpful for you:

• Start by Visiting Your Medical Doctor: Don't make assumptions about why you're experiencing a loss of sexual desire. Before you do anything else, visit your doctor to rule out any medical problems.  Once medical problems have been ruled out, you can consider other options listed below.

• If There Was a Time When You Used to Enjoy Sex, Think About What Changed Since That Time: If there was a time when you enjoyed sex more, think about what you used to enjoy. Make a list of these experiences. Then, consider how changes in your life might have had a negative impact on your libido. Next, think about what you can do to address these issues and write them down. This list could include:

• The birth of a child 
• Elder care responsibilities
• A death in the family
• A major disappointment at home or work
• A downturn in your finances
• A relationship betrayal
• Sleep problems
• Other losses or changes in your life (see the list at the beginning of this article).

• Reduce Your Stress: Stress can be a major factor in decreasing your libido. Think about how stress might be affecting you and consider healthy ways to reduce, including:
• A doctor-approved exercise regime

• Yoga 

Reduce Your Stress

• Breathing exercises

• Mindfulness meditation
  

• Other stress reducing methods that are right for you

• Assess Your Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs: Sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin created two surveys in his book, The Erotic Mind: The Sexual Excitement Survey and the Sexual Inhibition Survey that help you to assess your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.  Start by assessing the factors that dampen your libido and then consider the factors that get you sexually turned on. See my articles: 

• Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs)

• Why is Context So Important For Sexual Desire?
  

• Consider How You Get Yourself in the Mood For Sex: Most women experience responsive desire as opposed to simultaneous sexual desire, especially if they're in a long term relationship (this is also true for many men in long term relationships). For people in a long term relationship, it takes more effort to get sexually turned on compared to when the relationship was new.  If you're expecting to automatically get turned on when you begin having sex with a long term partner, chances are you'll be disappointed. Instead of just looking at how your partner tries to get you turned on, consider how you get yourself in the mood for sex. What part of yourself do you bring to the sexual encounter? Do you take time to relax and get into an erotic frame of mind beforehand or do you approach sex as if it's a chore? In her TED Talk, sex and relationship therapist Ester Perel, Ph.D. suggests you consider "I get myself turned on when _____________" and "I get myself turned off when ________________."  You can fill in the blanks for yourself.

• Consider Whether You're Unhappy With Sex in Your Relationship: If you have a sexual partner, think about whether you're not feeling sexually fulfilled during sex.  Sexual desire doesn't occur in a vacuum.  Even if you're able to get yourself in the mood for sex, no one gets turned on by unsatisfying sex. If you're having unsatisfying sex, the problem might not be with your libido, especially if you're turned on during solo sex/masturbation. It's a relationship and sexual problem between you and your partner, and you and your partner need to talk. See my articles: 

• How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2 

Talk to Your Partner

• Heterosexual Women Can Be Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When the Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met)

• Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women

• Think About Whether You're Bored and in a Sexual Rut: Whether you're single or in a relationship, if you're bored and in a sexual rut, you could benefit from changing things up.  See my articles: 

• What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

• Creating a Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List)

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If your doctor has ruled out any medical problems and you're unable to get back your libido, consider seeing a sex therapist.  Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. People who attend sex therapy go for a variety of reasons. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy.  A skilled sex therapist can help you to revive your sex life so you can have fulfilling sex again on your own and/or with a partner.  See my articles:

• What is Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

What is Eroticism?

The topic of this article is eroticism, which most people reduce to mean only sex, but eroticism is much more than sex. So, let's start by defining eroticism and then explore how eroticism develops.

What is Eroticism?

The word erotic comes from the Greek word, Eros, the Greek god of erotic love and desire.  

Understanding Eroticism

In her 1978 essay, "Uses of the Erotic," the poet, writer and Black lesbian feminist Audre Lorde defined the erotic as a source of knowledge, power and transformation.  She also defined it as a vital life force and a source of deep satisfaction, fulfillment and joy.

Similarly, according to relationship and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote the book, Mating in Captivity, eroticism is the capacity to maintain aliveness, vitality, curiosity, spontaneity and life energy. 

Dr. Perel describes the difference between animals and humans having sex: When humans have sex, they are capable of eroticism. But when animals have sex, they are following their instinctual urge to procreate.  They don't have the capacity to be erotic.

How to Develop the Capacity For Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is pleasure for its own sake which you can develop through your creative imagination. 

Understanding Eroticism

Using your imagination and creative capacity, you have the ability to anticipate and imagine yourself in an erotic act where you can have multiple orgasms alone or with others.  Unlike animals, you can imagine the act without ever enacting it.

Dr. Perel grew up in a Belgium community of Holocaust survivors, which included her parents who survived the camps. She talks about there being two groups in that community, "those who didn't die" and "those who came back to life."

The people who didn't die, according to Dr. Perel, were those who couldn't experience pleasure because they couldn't trust. Due to their trauma, they were vigilant, anxious, and insecure.  This made it impossible for them to be imaginative and playful, which are necessary ingredients for eroticism.

The people who came back to life understood that eroticism was the cure for feeling dead inside.  Even though they experienced trauma, they understood that eroticism was the key to feeling alive with vitality, joy and playfulness.

When Do You Turn Yourself Off Erotically?

Dr. Perel distinguishes the questions "when do you turn yourself off?" from the usual question that most people ask themselves or their partner, which is "what turns me off?" or referring to "things you do to turn me off" (referring to a partner).

This is an important distinction.  Instead of looking outside yourself, she says you need look inside yourself to understand your part in whether or not you feel erotic.

    Erotic Turn-Offs: 

• Feeling dead inside
• Having a negative body image
• Not taking time for yourself
• Feeling a lack of confidence
• Feeling you don't have the right to want, take or receive pleasure

    Erotic Turn-Ons:

• Feeling alive, vibrant, imaginative, creative, playful
• Accepting your body
• Taking time for yourself
• Feeling confident 
• Feeling entitled to want, take and receive pleasure

Eroticism Isn't About Sexual Performance

People often think in terms of performative sex when they think of eroticism, but performative sex is the opposite of eroticism (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

If you want a vibrant erotic life, instead of focusing on performance, focus on aliveness, curiosity, mystery, transcendence and especially on developing your imagination so you can be more erotically creative.  

Understanding Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is not something you do.  It's a place where you go inside yourself either alone or with a partner.

When you want to develop your erotic capacity, you allow your imagination to soar, which  includes allowing yourself to have erotic fantasies whether you have any intention of enacting  them or not (see my article:  The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Understanding Eroticism

My Other Articles About Eroticism

Also see my prior articles about eroticism:

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

Finding Your Erotic Voice

What is Erotic Self Esteem?

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling erotically as an individual or as someone who is in a relationship, you're not alone.  This is a common problem people talk about in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to connect to your erotic self so that you can feel alive, vibrant, imaginative and creative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can feel alive erotically.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Many clients who come to see me for sex therapy talk about how intimidating it is when their partner(s) ask them what they like to do sexually. This is daunting for many people whether it's a new relationship or a long term relationship (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

It's not just that they find it difficult to talk about sex, which can be hard for many people, it's also that they don't know what they like sexually and might not have ever thought about it before (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Know That You're Not Alone

A lot of people assume everyone else knows what they like to do sexually and they're having swinging-off-the chandelier sex every night.  So, when they hear that being unsure about what's sexually pleasurable is a common problem for many people, they're relieved.  

The first step for many sex therapy clients is to overcome their fear, shame and guilt about sex so they can start to get curious about what they like without judgment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

This is no easy task.  It often means overcoming whatever negative messages they got in their family of origin, their culture or religion where talking about sex was either forbidden or shrouded in mystery.  It can also mean overcome the traumatic effects of sexual abuse.

The next step in the process for many sex therapy clients is to get curious about what they like, don't like or might like to try (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

Depending upon what you're curious about, this could mean exploring beyond whatever sexual experiences you've had so far.

So, for example, for a heterosexual man or woman who has only experienced penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex in the traditional missionary position, this could mean getting curious about other sexual positions or exploring non-penetrative sex, which is often referred to as "outercourse" (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Script? and Changing Your Sexual Script).

Once sex therapy clients give themselves permission to get curious and even feel excited about other sexual possibilities beyond their personal experience, they're often ready to think about and explore many other sexual possibilities.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach in sex therapy for everyone, so there are many ways to explore sexual possibilities.  

Your particular sexual exploration will probably be different from someone else's depending upon many factors including whether you're questioning your sexual orientation or gender, what your experiences have been so far, whether you're in a relationship or relationships and what kind of relationship(s) you're in, if you tend to be cautious or bold, how your attachment style affects you sexually and many other issues (see my article: What is Consensual Non-Monogamy?).

The point is that you and your sex therapist can tailor a sex therapy approach based on your particular needs.

Sex Education in the U.S. is Inadequate at Best

Before we go on, I want to say a word or two about sex education in the U.S.

Unfortunately, most adults didn't get adequate sex education in school--assuming they got any sex ed at all.  This is because most sex education is focused on the negative aspects of sex, including avoiding getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), avoiding pregnancy and so on.

It's not that these issues aren't important because they certainly are.  It's just that sex is so much more than avoiding negative consequences.  It's also about pleasure, which isn't covered in a most sex ed programs in the United States or in many other countries as of this writing.

How Can You Begin to Explore Sexual Possibilities?

Before you can create a sexual menu for yourself, which I'll discuss in Part 2 of this topic, you need to know about what types of sexual possibilities exist, so it helps if you do some exploration on your own.

The following are a few possibilities for exploring sexual possibilities you might like:

• Watching Ethical Pornography: Traditional pornography gives very skewed, misogynistic and misleading information about sex. Aside from that, traditional porn has been known to include underage actors and victims of sex trafficking who are forced to make these videos against their will.  In addition, it's important to remember that actors in traditional pornography are acting based on what the makers of these videos think most men want so this often doesn't include what women might like. On the other hand, ethical porn, which is often made by women who are feminists, usually gives a more realistic portrayal of sex and includes not just what men might like sexually but also what many women might like. The following list includes ethical porn sites in no particular order and no personal preference on my part. These sites are considered sex positive sites (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?)

• Bellesca: This site is designed to help women explore their sexuality in a diverse  atmosphere where they are respected and valued in their own right.  Women are celebrated and not portrayed solely as sexual objects to be conquered.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Lust Cinema: Developed by filmmaker and feminist, Erika Lust, this site portrays sex with diverse bodies, genders, age, racial identities and sexual preferences.

• Make Love Not Porn: Cindy Gallop makes films that portray sex in real life that takes into account diversity with realistic scenes instead of the contrived portrayals in traditional porn.

• Reading Erotica: There is so much variety in erotica today. A basic Google search will provide a lot of information about erotica you can read or, if you prefer, you can listen to on sites like Dipsea.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Creating a List of Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Core Erotic Themes: If you have had exciting sexual experiences with your current partner(s) or prior partners, you can make a list of the experiences you enjoyed the most to understand what you liked and what else you might be curious about (see my articles: What is Eroticism?, What Are Your Core Erotic Themes? and Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

• Listening to Sex Podcasts: There are many excellent sex podcasts that provide sex education, including:

• Sex and Psychology podcast
• Sex with Dr. Jess
• Sexology Podcast
• Sex with Emily
• Sluts and Scholars
• Foreplay Radio
• Ester Perel's Where Should We Begin? 
• Pillow Talks (Vanessa and Xander Marin)

• Exploring Examples of Other Yes, No, Maybe Lists: If the thought of creating your own Yes, No, Maybe list feels too intimidating, you might find it helpful to explore examples of other Yes, No, Maybe Lists created by sex therapists and sex coaches. Be aware that these lists are made up for a diverse population and everything on there might not be to your liking, but it might pique your curiosity and give you ideas about what you might want to include on your own list:

• William Lynch, Will Sex Coach Yes, No, Maybe Checklist: https://willsexcoach.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/4/6/124623137/yes_no_maybe_checklist.pdf

• A.E. Osworth, You Need Help: Here is a worksheet to help you talk to partners about sex: https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-you-talk-to-partners-about-sex-237385/

• Diana Sadat Counseling, Yes/No/Maybe Activity: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b162a5675f9ee6cc62c56b5/t/5bc6b816104c7bf5cc8c31f9/1539749911565/Yes%3ANo%3AMaybe+So+Activity+-+Diana+Sadat+Counselling.pdf

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples of all ages, races, sexual orientations, genders and diverse backgrounds (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you overcome the obstacles that keep you from enjoying sex, so if you're struggling with sexual issues, seek help in sex therapy sooner rather than later so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Is Sexual Context So Important For Sexual Desire?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's New York Times bestselling book, Come As You Are, she discusses why sexual context is so important to understand sexual desire (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Experience Sexual Arousal in Different Ways).

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

Understanding sexual context is key to understanding why you might feel sexual at certain times and not others.  

What is Sexual Context?

According to Dr. Nagoski, sexual context includes: 

Your Circumstances in the Moment:

• Whom you're with
• Where you are
• Whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky, safe, and so on

Your State of Mind in the Moment:

• Whether you're relaxed or stressed
• Whether you're trusting or not
• Whether you're loving or not

Examples of How Sexual Context Makes a Difference

The following scenarios are examples of how sexual context makes a difference:

• When her husband, Mike, suggested that they have a quickie while their teenage children went out on a short errand, Betty didn't feel like having a quickie because she had a long stressful day at work.  She knew she would need to unwind first, take a shower to relax and she would need plenty of foreplay to get in the mood for sex, so a quickie wouldn't work for her.  They decided to wait until the weekend when the children would be away for the day visiting their aunt and they would have more time to enjoy sex.

• Ida was excited by the prospect of having sex in public places that felt prohibitive and taboo.  She suggested to Bill that they have sex in a secluded place in a big park, but Bill said he would feel too anxious they would get caught and charged with public indecency, so this idea wasn't a turn-on for him.  He told her he needed privacy to enjoy sex.  Eventually, they decided to be in a consensually non-monogamous relationship so they could each get certain of their sexual needs met and still remain in a primary relationship together.

• John wanted to have sex with his partner, Sara, after they had an argument about his infidelity.  But Sara said she was too angry about his cheating. She felt she couldn't trust him, and she needed to feel safe and trusting to have sex with him (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair). Eventually, they attended couples to work on their relationship.

• On their first date, Dan invited Lynn over to spend the night with him after a romantic dinner.  Although Lynn was very attracted to Dan, she told him she wasn't comfortable having sex with him on their first date and she wanted to get to know him better before they had sex.  Dan said he was fine with this, and they continued to date.

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

• Abbie and her partner, Sue, decided their sex life had become too routine and this contributed to the lack of enthusiasm they each felt about having sex.  So, they decided to try something new, sexual role play, to spice things up sexually (see my article: Exploring Sexual Role Play).

• Three years into their relationship, Jim and Alan sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer feeling as sexually turned on with each other as they were when they first met (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Long Term Relationship).  Their sex therapist helped them to overcome this problem.

• Roy had a leather fetish which really turned him on. But when he asked the woman he had been dating for two months, Nina, to wear leather during sex, she told him she wasn't into it.  She preferred to wear latex instead.  Roy was fine with this. They also talked about the particular kinks they each liked and they discovered they had certain kinks in common (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

• Sid preferred to have sex after dinner, but Jen found it difficult to get sexually aroused after the big meals they usually had for dinner. She felt too full and bloated. So, they decided to have their big meal for lunch, a smaller meal for dinner before they had sex, and a snack after sex when they were both cuddling and relaxing.

• Ann liked to have sex with his partner, Jack, at night before going to sleep because that's when she felt most relaxed, but Jack was often too tired at night. Jack preferred to have sex in the morning when they both woke up together, but Ann felt too rushed in the morning because she had to be at work early. So, they came up with a compromise where they would have sex earlier in the evening during the week and on Saturday or Sunday morning when neither of them was stressed or rushed.

Confusing Issues Related to Sexual Context with Low Sexual Desire

Many people, especially women, who think they have low sexual desire, are really dealing with issues related to the sexual context they find themselves in.

It's not unusual for medical doctors, who aren't trained in sexual health (this includes many gynecologists) to diagnose a woman with low sexual desire when the real problem is that the sexual context isn't right for her (see my article: Heterosexual Women Are Often Mistakenly Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire).

Many Women Are Mistakenly Diagnosed With Low Desire

Many of these women get unhelpful recommendations from their health care practitioner, including suggestions to have a glass of wine to relax.  But this doesn't help when the problem is related to the sexual context.

One of the reasons for this is that most health care practitioners, including gynecologists and couples therapists, aren't fully trained in sexual health. As a result, they don't know how to do a thorough psychosocial sexual history to fully assess the problem.  

Differences in Preferred Sexual Contexts Aren't Unusual

When it comes to sexual context, differences between people aren't really different from many other circumstances in life.

For instance, according to Dr. Nagoski, a person might enjoy being tickled while being sexually playful with their partner. However, the same person is unlikely to enjoy being tickled by the same partner if they're having an argument.  That would be annoying.

So, in general, this shows that context is important in most areas of life, including sex.

Understanding the Sexual Contexts of Your Core Erotic Themes

In a prior article, I discussed the importance of getting to know your Core Erotic Themes (CETs) as discussed in Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  

My prior article explains how CETs originate in childhood and provides examples of CETs.

When you and your partner(s) can discuss each of your CETs, this can help to make sex more enjoyable (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy). 

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of sexual issues (see my article: Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from having a pleasurable sex life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.