What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1

In her book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, relationship expert and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel discusses erotic blueprints, which is the focus of this article (see my articles: What Does Sex Positive Mean? and The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship).

Erotic Blueprints

What is an Erotic Blueprint?

Chapter 7 of Dr. Perel's book is called "Erotic Blueprints - Tell Me How You Were Loved, and I'll Tell You How You Make Love" (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

According to Dr. Perel, the psychology of your sexual desire is based on your childhood relationships with your caregivers.  

Often, what gives you sexual pleasure and how you learned to love is derived from the impact of your relationship with your caregivers, including:

• How did you learn to experience pleasure (or not)?
• Did you learn to trust others?
• Did you parents monitor your emotional needs or were you expected to monitor theirs?
• Were you able to turn to your parents for protection or did you have to flee from them to protect yourself?
• Were you rejected?
• Were you humiliated?
• Were you abandoned?
• Were you held, rocked and soothed by your parents?
• Did you learn not to expect too much from your parents?
• Did you learn to hide when you were upset?
• Did you learn it's okay to thrive when others might be hurt by your thriving?
• How did you learn to feel about your body?
• How did you learn to feel about your sexuality?
• How did you learn to feel about your gender?
• What did you learn about opening up (or shutting down) emotionally?
• What did you learn about being daring or being afraid?

All of these experiences shape your beliefs about yourself and others.  They also affect what you expect from others, including what you expect in romantic relationships.  

You might already be aware of some of the experiences that shaped you.  For instance, if you're aware that your parents discouraged physical touch and didn't like to give hugs, you might know this is what makes it difficult for you to be physically affectionate with your partner. 

Another example is that if your father abandoned your family when you were young, you might see the connection to the problems you have getting into romantic relationships or, if you do get into one, you might have problems trusting your partner.

But what about all the childhood experiences you might not be connecting to the relationship difficulties you're having now?  These connections are often made in therapy with a therapist who is knowledgeable about erotic blueprints.

To illustrate how early experiences affect adult sexual relationships, Dr. Perel gives many clinical examples from her 20+ years of experience of working with couples in couples therapy.  

In one example, a client named Dylan, who is in his 20s, has a lot of difficulty with feeling emotionally secure with people--with or without sexual excitement (see my article: Are You Afraid to Show Your Emotional Vulnerability in Your Relationship?).

Dylan's childhood history includes the death of his mother, who was the "emotional lynchpin of the family," when he was 12.  During the mother's funeral, Dylan's father felt so uncomfortable with Dylan's tears that he warned Dylan not to fall apart emotionally.  

To stay close to his father, Dylan learned at an early age to suppress his emotions because emotions were a sign of weakness to his father (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

As an adult, whenever Dylan has feelings for anyone, he is filled with self loathing and tries to control his emotional vulnerability.  

To deal with these uncomfortable feelings, Dylan goes to clubs and picks up men for anonymous sex where he can have emotionless sex.

During these emotionless encounters, he feels protected from repeating the humiliation he felt as a child when his father shamed him for having emotions.  At the same time, Dylan also experiences the thrill of being desired by many people.

According to Dr. Perel, these early experiences also affect what becomes sexually exciting to you as an adult.  More about this in my next article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems are often related to unresolved traumatic childhood experiences.

A skilled psychotherapist who is knowledgeable about trauma and erotic blueprints can help you to understand and overcome these problems (see my articles: What is a Trauma Therapist? and What is Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapy.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?

A poor body image, which causes you to feel anxious and insecure in bed, can ruin your sex life.  This is a common problem which people often find hard to overcome on their own.  

Specifically, many women worry about their weight, shape or specific parts of their body being too big or too small (e.g., stomach too big, breasts too small, vulva the wrong shape, etc).  Many men also worry whether their penis is too small or their stomach isn't flat enough, and so on, but it usually doesn't interfere with men's sexual arousal, so this article will focus on women (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips of Sexual Self Discovery).

Is Your Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?

How Does a Poor Body Image Interfere With Sex?

Women who feel ashamed of their body often don't initiate sex.  Even if they go along with a partner who initiates sex, they don't get aroused or enjoy sex.  

They're often preoccupied with how they feel about their body or how they imagine their partner feels about their body, which can lead to their becoming more of an observer of their sexual activities than a participant. This form of observing during sex is called spectatoring, a term that was coined by the famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson.

Many women have also been conditioned to worry about whether their vulva or vagina smells.  There are so many "feminine hygiene" products on the market that prey on this insecurity.  In reality, these products sometimes cause physical problems that women didn't have before.

If a woman is worried that she smells, she might be reluctant to allow her partner to perform oral sex or to have sex at all.  Many gynecologists refer to the vagina as a "self cleaning oven" that doesn't need extra cleaning with special products marketed to women.

Sexual intimacy with someone you love involves sharing yourself on the deepest level physically and emotionally.  If you're worried and distracted about how you look or smell, you're not going to be fully present to your own sexual experience or the sexual pleasure of your partner (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Problems with body image and body shaming often occur at a young age.  Even well-meaning parents can create problems by being overly concerned about a young girl's weight, what she eats or how she looks in clothes.  This creates the insecurity with body image that continues into adulthood.

Aside from early experiences at home, magazines, TV, movies and social media also contribute to the problem of body image by presenting girls and women with idealized images of what a woman "should" look like. Since these images are unrealistic (or even photoshopped), this leaves many women comparing themselves to the image and feeling inadequate (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others).

For women with body image problems, aging makes matters worse. These women often become even more dissatisfied with the way they look when younger women's bodies are idealized in the media or they experience their spouse or significant other admiring a younger woman's body.

Overcoming a Poor Body Image

Changing how you feel about your body isn't easy, especially if the problem has been ingrained since childhood, but there are some things you can try on your own to improve your body image:

• Become Aware of Your Negative Self Talk: Change starts with awareness.  Start paying attention to the negative thoughts and feelings you have about your body and challenge yourself.  Instead of believing your negative self talk, tell yourself that you're entitled to experience pleasure--whether it's with a partner or it's solo sex (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Ask Yourself Whose Eyes You're Looking Through: Young girls who were given negative messages about their body image often grow up to be women who see themselves through the eyes of others who criticized them, including family members or social media.  They internalize this criticism at such a deep level that they believe it without questioning it.  So, it's important to ask yourself if you're looking at yourself objectively or if you're looking through the eyes of those who were critical.  

• Write in Your Journal: Writing down and challenging your negative beliefs about your body is a way to help you to think more clearly in an effort to change (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Spend Less Time on Social Media: Spending too much time on social media contributes to anxiety and depression. When you see images of women with idealized bodies, you're likely to compare yourself unfavorably to those images, which might be photoshopped or photographed from certain angles that are more flattering.  Also, seeing images and reading social media posts of people's "wonderful lives," which might not be so wonderful in reality, can make you feel envious and frustrated about your own life. 

• Learn to Relax: Anxiety and worry contributes to shame. Learning to breathe to relax is important (see my article: Learn to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is being in the present moment in a nonjudgmental way. Just observe whatever thoughts and emotions come up.  Get curious about them (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Painful Emotions).

• Practice Self Compassion: Many women who have compassion for others don't practice self compassion (see my article:  Developing Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

If a poor body image has become an obstacle to your sexual enjoyment and you're unable to change this on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience in this area.

Rather than depriving yourself and your partner of pleasure, you could work with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome a poor body image.

Once you're free of your negative self image, you can feel good about yourself and enjoy the sexual pleasure you deserve.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

Many people who drink alcohol excessively or abuse drugs are actually seeking comfort and safety, but they might not even realize it.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol and Drugs

A Non-Pathologizing Perspective
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've worked with many clients who are struggling to overcome substance abuse problems.  Many of them say that the alcohol or the drug is like a friend they don't want to give up, which is understandable.

If alcohol and drugs didn't provide a certain extent of comfort or feeling of safety, people wouldn't abuse these substances.  For many people, it's might be the only comfort and sense of safety they have ever experienced.

So, asking people, who experience this comfort to give it up can feel like a very daunting process to them, especially if they haven't ever experienced comfort with another person.

A Search For Comfort and Safety With Alcohol or Drugs

From this perspective, these substances can feel like a reliable source of comfort.  Not only does it provide temporary relief, but it is usually available, especially if the substance is alcohol.  It's legal.  It can be consumed alone or with other people.  And it usually accomplishes the goal of bringing temporary relief.

Of course, the problem is that, over time, substances create other problems, including serious health problems, impaired cognitive functioning, family problems, and work-related problems, just to name a few.

Over time, it can also result in death, so that even though there is a temporary relief, there can be serious long term damage.

People often seek help when one or more of these problems develop.  By then, it can seem like a very frightening prospect to give up what works temporarily--even when people know that will ultimately do serous damage.

At that point, some people will bargain with themselves and their loved ones:  They tell themselves and their loved ones that they can control their use or that they can stop at any time.  But, often, they're the only ones who actually believe this. And if they try to stop on their own, they might discover that they can't.

It can be a long, arduous process to give up abusing substances, and many people pay the ultimate price of ruining their health beyond repair before they accept that they can't control it.

But if people, who abuse substances and their loved ones have this non-pathologizing perspective that    the substance brings a sense of comfort, it can create more self understanding and empathy for oneself as well as for others.

Learning Healthy Ways to Seek Safety and Comfort 
One of the goals of therapy or substance abuse treatment is that people who are abusing substances learn how to seek comfort and safety in other ways.

This might mean that, instead of abusing substances, they learn to self soothe by:

• learning to meditate
• learning new breathing techniques to calm themselves
• learning new grounding techniques
• developing resilience
• developing new coping skills
• learning to make better choices
• learning to choose healthier relationships
• developing a stable and manageable life step by step

Even being able to consider learning new ways involves a certain amount of trust in a psychotherapist or a substance abuse counselor, which can be challenging for someone who has never had a trustworthy relationship.

Some people will persist in abusing substances because they don't want to give up what brings temporary relief.

Building that rapport and trusting relationship can take time.  In the meantime, before people can trust enough to allow a relationship to develop, they might need to ask themselves if they are willing to try it because being willing is often half the battle.

But once people trust enough to try other ways of seeking safety and comfort, they usually discover that this is a skill the they can continue to develop and that it works.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help often induces shame in people.

Most people like to think that they can control their lives and that they don't need help.  But when it becomes obvious that your life is falling apart, it takes a lot courage to ask for help.

Often, people come into therapy externally motivated because either a spouse or a boss has given them an ultimatum:  Either get help or leave.

But people who are open to the process of recovering from substance abuse often discover their own internal motivation, especially if they develop a rapport with their therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with substance abuse or you're watching someone you love abuse substances, you're not alone.

Even if you can't afford therapy or you don't have access to treatment, there are 12 Step meetings in most cities and online.

Life is short.  Getting help sooner rather than later can make all the difference in how you live the rest of your life and the quality of your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship?

After experiencing heartbreak, disappointment or betrayal, many people are afraid or ambivalent about making a commitment in a new relationship.  Instead. they hold back emotionally so they don't allow themselves to be fully in the relationship.  Emotional vulnerability is scary for them.  This can cause problems if the partner is ready to make a commitment (see my articles: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment? and An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship

People Who Are in Denial About Holding Back Often Make Excuses to Themselves and Others

People who hold back emotionally often don't realize what they're doing.  They're often in denial because they don't want to see themselves as being emotionally withholding with their partner, so they make up "reasons" for their behavior, including:

• They "Don't Like Labels:" The idea of "no labels" between two people allows each person a lot of latitude, especially if both people agree that they won't put a label on who they are to each other.  But it can also cause confusion and misunderstandings: Are you dating? In a relationship? Friends with benefits? Polyamorous?  Even if both people agree to "no labels," one or both people often have unspoken expectations that don't match up.  Unless it's a short term affair, it's unusual for two people to sustain "no labels" indefinitely.

• They Want to Keep Their Options Open: Some people don't want to commit because they're afraid of missing out on being with someone new, someone better looking or "better" in some other way.  They're not done playing the field--they want to hold onto the main person they're seeing and continue to keep their options open for other people.  Or, they have one primary person and then several other people "on the side."

• They're Too Busy People Pleasing in a Superficial Way: They're not sure how they feel because they tend to put the other person's feelings first. Rather than focus on what they want, they focus on what the other person wants or, at least, give lip service to it.  Often, they will tell the other person what s/he wants to hear, but there's no substance to it.  

• They Prefer Shallow Relationships: People who prefer shallow relationships hold back their emotions because they don't want anything that's emotionally intimate.  Making an emotional commitment or even having a deep conversation is frightening to them.  Instead of "making love," they're "having sex" so it's mostly physical for them.

• They Have One Foot Out the Door At All Times and They Know All the Escape Routes: Instead of making a commitment, they already have one foot out the door, which is why they never get emotionally invested.  They never introduce the person they're seeing to their family or close friends.  They might be reluctant to move in together, and there's no talk of deepening the relationship.  They might initiate an argument or try to provoke the other person into leaving them so they don't feel guilty about the relationship ending.

• People Who Are Aware They're Holding Back Were Often Hurt in Prior Relationships: After several experiences of getting hurt in prior relationships. these people are often too afraid to take an emotional risk again. They're often ambivalent about making a commitment.  On the one hand, they want to love and feel loved, but they dread getting hurt.  They might vacillate back and forth trying to deal with their ambivalence. At times, it might appear that they'll make a commitment and then it's like a switch gets turned off and then they're unwilling to make the commitment.  This is usually painful for both people involved.

The Person Who Holds Back is Often With the Person Who is a "Fixer"

Whether you're the person who is having a problem making a commitment or you're in a relationship with someone who can't make a commitment, you're in a painful place.

Over time, to a greater or lesser degree, most people want a stable relationship.  For people who are holding back, their fears keep them stuck.  

People, who want a committed "forever" relationship and who remain with someone who is unable to make a commitment, focus on trying to "fix" or manipulate the other person to get what they want.  They don't want to see that the other person can't or won't give them what they want, so they continue to try to manipulate the situation to try to get what they want.  If and when they realize that they were wasting their time, they feel a lot of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the person holding back or the person who is trying to "fix" the person who is holding back, you're in a painful place.

In either case, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist to help you understand and overcome the underlying issues that keep you stuck.

Rather than continuing to engage in patterns that keep you stuck, get help so you can overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck and you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 724-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers spark intense emotional reactions. They're usually associated with prior unresolved trauma. The emotional reaction might be fear, panic, anxiety, anger, sadness or any other unpleasant emotion (see my article: Reacting in the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Coping With Emotional Triggers

The emotional trigger might be a memory, a song, something someone said to you, an event or any other experience (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Gets Triggered in You as an Adult).

Regardless of the mood you're in at the time, a trigger can change your mood in an instant, so it's important to learn how to identify, cope and, eventually work towards overcoming triggers.

How Do You Identify Your Emotional Triggers?

Triggers are different for everyone, so each person has their own individual response to them.  Knowing how to identify your triggers can help you to cope.

Common Triggers include:

• betrayal
  
• rejection
• feeling unwanted or invisible (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible)
• feeling ignored
• feeling unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable)
• feeling helpless or powerless
• loss of control
• criticism from others or your own inner critic (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic )
• feeling insecure
• loss of independence
• having your beliefs challenged
• unjust treatment

Listen to Your Body

Knowing about the mind-body connection can help you to deal with triggers (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Your Body Offers a Window into Your Unconscious Mind).  Physical reactions can include:

• racing heart
• panicky feeling
• sweating
• feeling shaky or dizzy
• nausea
• headache
• jaw clinching
• hands clinching
• tingling feeling
• fight/flight/freeze reactions

Take a Step Back

Emotional triggers happen in an instant, so once you realize you're triggered, it's important to take a step back before you react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting);

• Get curious
• Ask yourself what just happened to trigger you.
• Ask yourself when in the past you felt this way.
• Ask yourself if your reaction to the present situation is out of proportion to what's happening now.
• Ask yourself how much of your reaction is related to the past?

Calm Yourself

Once you've taken a step back, make a conscious effort to calm yourself:

• Breathe (see my article: Learning to Calm Yourself: Square Breathing)
• Journal about your experience (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety)
• Talk to a trusted friend or mentor

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find that you're getting emotionally triggered often, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients to overcome emotional triggers related to unresolved trauma.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to get to the problem so you no longer get triggered (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this discussion on avoidant attachment style and sex, I described how this attachment style can affect your sex life. In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette as an illustration of what I discussed in Part 1.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

Attachment styles develop early in childhood (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

An avoidant attachment style is one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganized (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

As I mentioned in a previous article, unless you work in therapy to overcome the issues that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style, your attachment style will continue to impact you in your adult relationships, especially in romantic relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Adult Relationships).

As I mentioned in Part 1, if you have an avoidant attachment style, some or all of the following characteristics might apply to you. You might:

• Have a discomfort with sexual activities that involve emotional closeness, like cuddling, hugging or so on.

• Not enjoy foreplay.

• Prefer casual, uncommitted relationships with emotionless sex (e.g, hook ups).

• Have sexual affairs outside of your relationship.

• Use sex mostly as a way to reduce stress and anxiety.

• Use sex as a way to gain status among your peers (e.g., bragging about how many people you slept with, and so on).

• Have fantasies about having sex with other people (other than your partner) as a way to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.

• Have a hard time relating to a partner who likes to feel emotionally close during sex.  This is especially problematic if your partner is someone who has an anxious attachment style and needs to feel emotionally close during sex.

• Be dismissive of your partner's need for emotional intimacy (see my article: What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?).

• Prefer relationships where there are few emotional demands being made on you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Joe

Joe, who was 38 years old, sought help in therapy because his girlfriend was complaining that she was unhappy with how "cold" he was toward her when they had sex.  She liked to cuddle, hug and be hugged, but he usually pushed her away because these affectionate gestures made him feel uncomfortable.

Initially, Joe told his therapist that he didn't think he needed to be in therapy. He said therapy was for "weak people." He explained he was mostly coming to appease his girlfriend, someone he thought of as being "needy" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

But as Joe continued with his therapy sessions and his therapist explained attachment styles to him, he got curious as to how all of this might apply to him.   

When Joe talked about his family background, he explained that his parents wanted him to be "independent" as a young child.  Also, as a child, he didn't want to be a "burden" to them (see my article: Seeing Yourself as Independent vs Experiencing Shame For Feeling Like a Burden).

He said they were usually preoccupied with their own problems, and they expected him to be able to solve his problems without their help.

When he started elementary school at age 5, he was small for his age and some of the bigger children in his class would bully him after school.  They would taunt him, call him names like "Shorty," and push him around.  Whenever this happened, he didn't know how to defend himself.

One day when he came home from school in tears, he told his mother that he was being bullied and she responded, "Stop being a crybaby! If they push you, defend yourself--push them back."  Then, when his father came home, his father told him, "Don't be weak! We can't fight your battles for you! You have to learn to take care of yourself."

Joe felt too ashamed to tell his parents that he didn't know how to defend himself.  On top of that, he felt ashamed for coming home tearful and being "weak." So, he learned to hide his more vulnerable feelings from other people and, eventually, without even realizing it, he learned to suppress his "negative" feelings altogether.

He also told his therapist that his parents didn't believe in "spoiling" children with hugs and expressions of affection, so he never experienced this with his parents. But as soon as Joe said this, he became defensive and said, "My parents were good parents.  They knew what was best for me."

It took a while in therapy before Joe could let go of his defensiveness to see that he was emotionally neglected at home and that his parents grew up under similar circumstances, which is why they didn't know how to express affection towards him or even with each other (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Problem Trusting Others).

Over time, Joe could see how his childhood experiences at home caused him to develop an avoidant attachment style and how that attachment style affected his relationship with his girlfriend.

He grieved in therapy for the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. He and his therapist also used EMDR therapy to process the trauma related to these experiences (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Although, initially, Joe believed he was in therapy to appease his girlfriend, after a while, he realized and appreciated that he needed it for himself.  This allowed him to be curious and more psychologically minded (see my article: Starting Therapy: Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness).

The more he processed his trauma with EMDR, the more open he became to his own emotional vulnerability, which allowed him to be more openly affectionate and loving towards his girlfriend (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

To get to the root of your avoidant attachment style, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who has the expertise to help you overcome your childhood trauma where your attachment style first developed.

EMDR therapy as well as other trauma therapies, like Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Ego States work are all therapies that can help you to overcome trauma.

Rather than continuing to engage in the same destructive behavior patterns based on your avoidant attachment style, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1

In my prior articles, I focused on how an anxious attachment style can affect your sex life (see my articles: How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2). 

In this article, my focus is on the avoidant attachment style (see my articles: How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships and Understanding How An Avoidant Attachment Style Affects You and Your Relationship).

How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

The 3 Insecure Attachment Styles

As I mentioned in my prior article, there are three insecure attachment styles:

• Anxious
• Avoidant
• Disorganized

Most people who have an insecure attachment style are either anxious or avoidant (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Characteristics of the Avoidant Attachment Style:

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• You might have a discomfort with sexual activities that involve emotional closeness, like cuddling, hugging or so on.

• Similar to the above, you might not enjoy foreplay.

• You might prefer casual, uncommitted relationships with emotionless sex (e.g, hook ups).

• You might have sexual affairs outside of your relationship.

• You might use sex mostly as a way to reduce stress and anxiety.

• You might use sex as a way to gain status among your peers (e.g., bragging about how many people you slept with, and so on).

• You might have fantasies about having sex with other people (other than your partner) as a way to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.

• You probably have a hard time relating to a partner who likes to feel emotionally close during sex.  This is especially problematic if your partner is someone who has an anxious attachment style and needs to feel emotionally close during sex.

• You tend to be dismissive of your partner's need for emotional intimacy (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sexual and Emotional Intimacy?).

• You tend to prefer relationships where there are few emotional demands being made on you.

People with an avoidant attachment style were often raised in a household where their emotional needs were dismissed because of the primary caregiver's own discomfort with emotional closeness.  This is how an avoidant attachment style continues from one generation to the next.

Adults with an avoidant attachment style have problems trusting and relying on their romantic partner.  This is often due to their early experiences in childhood of being forced to rely on themselves (and not their primary caregivers) for their own emotional well-being, which is traumatic for a child (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate how these dynamics play out sexually: How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with some or all of the characteristics mentioned above, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals with an avoidant attachment style.

With help from a skilled psychotherapist, you can learn to overcome these problems so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.