Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I discussed the typical characteristics of emotional withdrawers, how they usually develop these characteristics, and how these dynamics affect their partners who are emotional pursuers.  In Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a clinical vignette to give more details illustrating how these dynamics play out in a relationship and how Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples can help.

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

As a brief recap of Part 1: Whether they're aware of it or not, emotional withdrawers' objective when they withdraw is seeking emotional safety because they're overwhelmed by the conflict.  They often need time to regroup before they can engage with their partner, but they might not have the words to say this while they're in an overwhelmed state.

Their partners, who are emotional pursuers, often misunderstand the withdrawer because, from the outside, withdrawers appear as if they don't care or they're rejecting their partner. This, in turn, creates anxiety for the emotional pursuer, who wants to resolve their problem, so they pursue the withdrawer while the withdrawer is overwhelmed, which makes the withdrawer withdraw even more.

As I mentioned in Part 1, a major problem in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic is that each person's behavior exacerbates the other's and it creates an ongoing negative cycle that keeps the couple stuck.

A Clinical Vignette: The Negative Cycle of an Emotional Pursuer and a Withdrawer and How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Can Help

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Mary and Joe

By the time Mary and Joe came to couples therapy, they were already discussing the possibility of divorce.  They were typical of many couples who wait until their problems are dire before they seek help.  They were each aware that a divorce would be very upsetting to their 12 year old son, so they decided to make one last ditch effort to save their 15 year marriage before they contacted divorce attorneys.

During their first session with their EFT therapist, Joe explained that Mary had suggested couples therapy many times over the years and he had rejected that idea, which he now regretted.  He also admitted that he had problems expressing vulnerable emotions and the thought of talking to a couples therapist made him uncomfortable, to say the least (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

What changed his mind, he explained, was when Mary told him that she couldn't tolerate spending another 15 years with a man who withdrew emotionally whenever there was a problem between them.  He realized he needed to put aside his discomfort to give couples therapy a try because he didn't really want a divorce.  He also didn't want his son to be hurt by a divorce.  Then, he threw up his hands and said to the therapist, "So, here I am..."

When it was Mary's turn to talk, she hesitated before she told the therapist, "I'm here, but I feel burnt out from trying all these years to get Joe to express his feelings."  Then, she recounted all the ways she tried over the years to get Joe to tell her what was going on with him--all to no avail.  

Neither Mary nor Joe had ever been in individual or couples therapy before.

As their couples therapist listened to each of them, she realized that Joe is the emotional withdrawer and Mary is a burnt out emotional pursuer.  Their negative cycle was entrenched and neither of them seemed hopeful of a good outcome, which would make the couples therapy challenging. But, as a resourceful Emotionally Focused therapist for couples, she had plenty of tools in her toolbox and she saw it as hopeful sign that they came to couples therapy at all.

Early on in their couples therapy sessions, the therapist asked for Mary's and Joe's family histories, which is an important part of the assessment process in EFT.  

Mary described a childhood in a middle class family in California where both parents were professors.  She was the older of two daughters growing up in the suburbs.  Her parents were open, affectionate and emotionally supportive with Mary and her sister.  

She knew she could always go to either of her parents if she had a problem and she often did. They also had strong roots in their community and their local church. Although they attended their church, Mary said, they weren't especially religious--they just liked the communal atmosphere at the church.  She identified herself as agnostic.

There was a period of time when her parents went through a rough patch when Mary's father lost his position at a major university and there was financial uncertainty.  She was aware that there was tension between her parents due to financial stressors, but things calmed down when her father became tenured at another university.  Mary explained that she continued to have good relationships with her parents and sister. She denied any major trauma in her family history or in her personal history.

When it was Joe's turn to talk about his family history, he hesitated, and the therapist tried to reassure him that she knew it was often difficult to talk about one's family in therapy.  In response, Joe gave a terse description of his family while he was looking down at the floor, "There were five of us. We weren't rich, but my parents did the best they could.  I can't blame them for my problems."

As the couples therapist urged Joe to go into more details, he paused and then he described a working class family in New York City that struggled financially most of the time.  He said his father was the sole breadwinner and, even though his father was a hard worker, he was frequently laid off from his jobs as a construction laborer. These layoffs created tension between his parents.  

According to Joe, neither of his parents were physically or emotionally affectionate with him or his siblings, and he never saw them express affection towards each other, "They didn't have time to get mushy with us or with each other.  My father focused on work and my mother focused on raising the kids and keeping a good home."  His parents didn't have friends or close family nearby, and they weren't involved in their community.

But he knew his parents loved him from their things they did.  His mother enjoyed cooking for the family and took pride in setting a nice table.  His father taught him how to repair cars when Joe was a teenager, so Joe could get a part time job while in high school at a car repair shop to buy his own clothes, books and an attend an occasional sports event if there was money left over.  

Joe explained to the therapist, somewhat defensively, "I knew my parents were overwhelmed just trying to make ends meet so, as a child, I didn't want to burden them with my problems, so I mostly kept my feelings to myself.  But I think I had good parents and a good childhood.  We didn't talk about problems--we just got on with it and did what we had to do."

With regard to family trauma, Joe's mother had a miscarriage when Joe was 10 years old. Since his parents were stoic, they never talked about it with Joe or his siblings, but he knew his parents were sad.  He also had no one to talk about it, "I had to grow up fast."

Over time, their couples therapist provided psychoeducation about Emotionally Focused therapy and couples' dynamics, including the pursuer-withdrawer patterns and the negative cycle, attachment styles and how different styles affected relationships, and the impact of childhood family history on adult relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

Initially, Joe didn't respond well to the psychoeducation that the therapist provided, especially as it related to his family.  He was annoyed and defensive, but when the therapist asked him if he was raising his son the same way that he was raised, he paused and looked sad, "No, I'm a lot more open with my son than my parents were with me.  We talk when something is bothering him, so I guess I see the difference. I just don't feel right criticizing my parents.  Compared to their parents, they did a lot better" (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style). 

The therapist explained that the psychoeducation about the impact of his family history wasn't meant to criticize his parents.  Based on what Joe had told her about their childhood, she said, she realized his parents had it tough too when they were children and this dynamic often persists from one generation to the next, "That's why it's great, Joe, that you're able to be open with your son--even though you didn't experience that in your family" (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

As Joe and Mary continued to attend couples therapy, Joe opened up more. Mary also became a lot more empathetic towards Joe when she realized how his family background impacted him as an adult.  They both began making more reparative gestures towards each other by looking at each other affectionately and reaching out to hold hands, which the therapist knew was a good sign.

Their therapist explained to Mary and Joe that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship.  It wasn't about finding someone to blame for their problems. Instead, she told them, they were stuck in a negative cycle and she encouraged them to work together in therapy to change their cycle as opposed to blaming each other.

Over time, Joe and Mary looked forward to their couples therapy sessions. They practiced the exercises the therapist gave them to do at home and came back to talk about what happened during their next session.  

Joe came into session one day full of pride to talk about the first argument they had since they began couples therapy where they used the tools they learned in their sessions. The argument was about whether or not to repair their existing washing machine or buy a new one, "When Mary told me she wanted a new washing machine, I became so angry that I wanted to storm out of the room and spend the rest of the day in the garage.  But then something happened--I remembered that I didn't have to leave.  I could take a moment to calm myself and continue talking to her-- and I did."

Mary smiled at Joe, "At first, I thought for sure you were going to storm out the way you usually do. Then I usually run out after you to try to force you to keep talking to me, which makes matters worse.  But then I thought about our negative cycle and I made up my mind that if you stormed out, rather than running after you, I would give you the space you needed to calm yourself.  But you didn't walk out.  You stayed and we were able to talk it out, which made me so happy."

Gradually, Joe and Mary changed their dynamic.  There were times when they slipped back into their usual negative cycle, but those times were fewer as time went on.  Even when they did slip back into their negative cycle, one or both of them made a reparative gesture so they didn't remain stuck in it for long.

By the time they completed couples therapy, Joe and Mary were getting along much better.  They still had arguments, as all couples do, but most of the time they weren't entrenched in a pursuer-withdrawer negative dynamic (see my article: EFT For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Conclusion

Couples often get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to get out of it.  Many factors contribute to the negative cycle, including each person's attachment style, which is developed early on in childhood based on family of origin dynamics.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples to identify their dynamics and provides tools for change (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Future Articles

The last two articles focused specifically on emotional withdrawers, but I don't want to leave the impression that withdrawers are the sole problem in relationships.  In future articles I'll focus on emotional pursuers and how they interact with withdrawers.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you can both learn how to work towards changing that cycle if you're motivated to work in couples therapy.

Getting help sooner rather than later is one of the key factors to having a successful outcome in couples therapy, so don't wait.  

Seek help from a licensed mental health professional trained in EFT for couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1

In my prior articles about relationships, I've discussed couples who have a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic.  That dynamic involves one partner who tends to pursue sexually and the other partner who tends to withdraw sexually (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences). 

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, couples might switch roles so the pursuer becomes the withdrawer and the withdrawer becomes the pursuer, but the pattern often remains the the same--the pursuer remains the pursuer and the withdrawer remains the withdrawer.

In the same way that there's a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, there can also be an emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in a relationship, and the dynamic isn't necessarily the same in emotional situations as it is in sexual situations.

In other words, the sexual pursuer can also be an emotional withdrawer and the sexual withdrawer can be the emotional pursuer.  

In other relationships the pursuer pursues both sexually and emotionally and the withdrawer withdraws sexually and emotionally.  

How Common is the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic in Relationships?

Pursuer-withdrawer dynamics are found in the vast majority of relationships.  This dynamic is so pervasive that it's found in over 80% of relationships.  The pervasiveness of this pattern makes it important to understand, especially if it affects you and your partner.

In the current article, I'm focusing on emotional withdrawers (also known as emotional  distancers) because they're often misunderstood.

How Are Emotional Withdrawers Misunderstood By Their Partners?

People who withdraw emotionally aren't always withdrawn all the time.  They can be engaging, funny and affectionate at times, but when they're in a conflict or having an argument with their partner, they tend to withdraw.  

Their partner might see them as emotionally unreachable during those times because not only do they distance themselves emotionally--sometimes they withdraw physically by walking into another room and shutting the door or leaving the household to avoid dealing with a conflict or emotionally charged situation.

Emotional withdrawers are often perceived as being:

• Emotionally unavailable
• Aloof
• Uncommunicative
• Avoidant
• Unable to take in the emotions of their partner
• Lacking empathy for their partner
• Seeking isolation
• Seeking autonomy
• Less proactive in terms of resolving problems in the relationship
• Denying they need anything emotionally from others
• Workaholics (to avoid emotional intimacy)

If this is what the partner who is the emotional pursuer sees in the emotional withdrawer, is it any wonder that the pursuer becomes frustrated and unhappy with the withdrawer?  

In these situations, the emotional pursuer feels like s/he just can't get through to the withdrawer because the more the pursuer pursues the more the withdrawer withdraws.

But What is Really Going on Internally For Emotional Withdrawers?

Most of the time what the emotional pursuer perceives from the outside is only a part of the story as compared to what is going on for the emotional withdrawer on the inside.

In other words, although the emotional withdrawer appears on the outside as if s/he has no emotions or doesn't care, they often care very much.  

The key to understanding someone who withdraws emotionally is that they're uncomfortable with conflict and they automatically seek emotional safety by outwardly withdrawing. Often what the withdrawer experiences on the inside is fear and then emotional shutdown (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

The emotional withdrawer often doesn't know how to self soothe in an emotionally stressful situation with a partner, so they withdraw until they feel safe again.  This might mean that they cut themselves off from their emotions or, as previously mentioned, they withdraw physically into another room or out of the house (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Usually when a withdrawer hears complaints from their partner, they feel like they have failed in their relationship.  Even if their partner is trying to come across as empathetic and tactful in their approach, the withdrawer can still feel like a failure in the relationship and this is often emotionally intolerable for the withdrawer.

This dynamic of seeking emotional safety by withdrawing doesn't work in a pursuer-withdrawer relationship because the emotional pursuer, in frustration, will double down on their pursuing when their partner seems to be distancing (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

At that point, when the pursuer pursues, the withdrawer often withdraws even more, which exacerbates the situation. It sets up an ongoing negative cycle in the relationship where each person engages in their individual pattern and each person feels increasingly unhappy and frustrated with their partner.

How Did the Emotional Withdrawer Become This Way?

People who are emotional withdrawers often have an avoidant attachment style (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

As children, people who have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style usually had a primary caregiver who was emotionally unavailable. The primary caregiver was either unable or unwilling to meet the child's emotional needs, so the child was emotionally neglected.  In some cases, the caregiver might have also been emotionally or physically abusive, especially when the child sought affection or emotional support (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

This is pattern can be understood as involving intergenerational trauma: The primary caregiver didn't get their emotional needs met, so they don't know how to meet the emotional needs of their children.  Most of the time, they are emotional withdrawers themselves so that they become very uncomfortable when the child seeks affection or emotional support.

Children who grow up with a primary caretaker who is an emotional withdrawer learn early in life that they must fend for themselves emotionally.  

But the problem is that, developmentally, children can't fend for themselves in a healthy way, so the only way they can cope with this dynamic is to keep their emotions to themselves by shutting down emotionally.  They become emotionally avoidant or dismissive. Then, when they become adults, they continue to cope in the same way, which becomes problematic in a relationship (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

These same adults were often ridiculed by their primary caregivers for being emotionally vulnerable and wanting emotional nurturance: "Don't be a baby" or "Boys don't cry" or "You're being a sissy" or "Don't be weak."

Adults, who grew up being ridiculed as children for having normal emotional needs, are often afraid to be emotionally vulnerable because their needs were used against them by their caregivers. And these adults are sometimes right because in the heat of an argument even the most empathetic pursuer can say hurtful things (see my article: Are You Afraid to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in Your Relationship?).

Conclusion

Seeking emotional safety is the primary objective of the emotional withdrawer, but it often doesn't look that way to the emotionally pursuing partner.  To the pursuer it looks like the withdrawer is either rejecting them or doesn't care, but looks can be deceiving when it comes to the dynamics of an emotional withdrawer.

Although it can be challenging, understanding what's really going on for the emotional withdrawer is one of the keys to having a more empathetic and effective response. It also helps to know when to back off and when to engage (see my article: An Empathetic Response Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

These dynamics can change as each partner learns to be more emotionally vulnerable with the other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

My Next Article

Understanding emotional withdrawers is a large topic, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing lifelong behavioral patterns is difficult--whether you're an emotional pursuer or a withdrawer in a relationship.

Getting help in individual or couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional, who understands the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic and who can help you to make changes, can save your relationship (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples? and How EFT Can Help Withdrawers Cope With Their Emotions).

Instead of struggling with a negative cycle that isn't working in your relationship, seek help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many people to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Afraid to Show Emotional Vulnerability in Your Relationship Because Your Partner Uses It Against You?

During a recent live talk about emotional vulnerability in relationships by sex and relationship therapist Dr. Esther Perel, who is author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, a participant raised the issue that her partner weaponizes her expression of vulnerability against her.  This is a common issue that comes up in couples therapy and it's the topic of this article (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Committed Relationship?

Let's start by defining emotional vulnerability: Being emotionally vulnerable in your relationship means being open and taking the risk to show your most tender emotions to your partner.  Instead of avoiding these emotions or denying them, you let your guard down to acknowledge and express how you feel.  It means putting your heart on the line to be authentic with your partner.

Why is it So Difficult For Some People to Be Emotionally Vulnerable?

Many people learned in their family that being emotionally vulnerable is something to be ashamed of and avoided.  They were discouraged, and maybe even punished, for showing their deepest emotions.  They might have also learned that to reveal their tender emotions was considered an emotional burden to their parents (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

This is often due to their parents being afraid and ashamed of their own vulnerability.  This is what they learned in their family, and it's often an intergenerational pattern that goes from one generation to the next (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

When people grow up in a family where vulnerability is avoided, they don't know how to be open about their tender emotions in their relationships with loved ones.  They avoid it because it feels too raw and frightening. They might not even know what they're feeling because these emotions have been suppressed for so long.  

They don't have the words or the tools to access these emotions.  To an outside observer, it appears as if they don't have emotions.  But, actually, these people, who are often described as emotional "withdrawers" or "stonewallers," have a lot going on internally despite their outer appearance. Their internal experience is often one of fear or even terror, which they learned to hide. They learned that being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous.

Another common reason why people have difficulty expressing vulnerability is that they were hurt in one or more prior relationships when they opened up to their partners.  For many of them, the emotional trauma they experienced in the prior relationship(s) causes them to feel too afraid to take the risk to open up again.  

What to Do If Your Partner Uses Your Emotional Vulnerability as a Weapon Against You?

People who are uncomfortable with their own emotions are often judgmental or even cruel when their loved ones express vulnerability.  They might not even realize that it's their discomfort with their own vulnerable emotions that makes them act out against their partner when they're hurt or angry (see my article: Are You Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

Assuming your partner is unaware of how hurtful it is for you when s/he weaponizes your vulnerability, when you're both calm, you can try telling your partner how you felt when your words were used in this way.  

When your partner is aware of how hurtful it is and s/he does it anyway, this is a different type of problem. It might be that s/he learned to do this by observing his or her parents argue. It was internalized at a deep level so that this is their automatic response.  This isn't an excuse. You and your partner are still responsible for your actions regardless of the reason.  I mention it here so you'll understand why it might be happening.

If this is the case, your partner (or you if you do this) needs to unlearn this response by first becoming comfortable with their own emotions.  This is very difficult to do alone and usually requires either individual or couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused CouplesTherapy, EFT, Helps Improve Relationships).

If your partner is willing to change, the change might be small and incremental at first. This means, if you want to remain in this relationship, you'll need to be patient and manage your expectations in a realistic way (more about this below).

If part of the problem is that your partner is afraid of his or her own vulnerability, Esther Perel, Ph.D. emphasized that it's important to invite your partner to be vulnerable rather than demand it. You can't demand vulnerability because it doesn't work that way and it's counterproductive for what you want.

Whether or not your partner is willing to get help in either individual or couples therapy, only you can decide whether you're going to stay or leave (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).  This is also an issue that can be explored in therapy.

Assuming you and your partner want to remain in the relationship, it's helpful for both of you to be aware that there are usually setbacks in the process of therapy.  Your partner might show progress being more vulnerable and being empathetic to your vulnerability, but then s/he might backslide. This doesn't mean that therapy isn't working--it means that setbacks are a normal part of the process (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of the Process in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

Being in love with someone is inherently vulnerable, especially during the early stage of the relationship when you're both unsure as to where things are going. Some people can tolerate this vulnerability, but many people can't.

Although emotional vulnerability can feel risky, working with a skilled psychotherapist in either individual or couples therapy can help you and your partner to open up to each other in a healthy way.

Taking the first step of reaching out to a licensed mental health professional is often the key to having the relationship you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

  

Making Big Changes: The Role of the Unconscious and Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

Making a major change in your life--even a change you really want--can be challenging.  Many self help books and motivational coaches urge people to "just do it!" as if you could just power through to automatically change.  Although this might be true sometimes, this is a superficial view of what it takes to overcome an emotional block you might encounter when you want to make a big change. What is often overlooked is the role of the unconscious mind in the change process (see my articles: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Making Big Changes: Why You Might Not Be Able to "Just Do It"

On the surface, it seems logical: You want to make a change in your life, so you make a decision to do it and it gets done. But we now know that most of mental processing occurs on an unconscious level. 

So, although you might think you can just push yourself to make a major change, your unconscious mind initiates the process or, as often happens, gets in the way of your making the change.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how the unconscious can get in the way of making a major change and how experiential therapy can help:

Alice

When Alice came to therapy, she was frustrated and confused about why she was procrastinating with starting a new project she really wanted to do, which involved a major change for her.

Alice told her therapist that there was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to take advantage of this new opportunity to write for a prestigious journal. She knew that being able to publish her scholarly articles would give her the professional exposure she wanted and open up new doors for her.  

And yet, she explained, whenever she thought about submitting her articles to the journal editors, she felt so much anxiety that she got a headache and upset stomach. She tried to reason with herself that there was nothing to cause her discomfort, but she still felt so anxious that she couldn't even sit at her computer.

This left Alice feeling confused and frustrated because she just couldn't understand what was holding her back.  She was also aware that if she procrastinated too long, the editors might withdraw their offer and she didn't want that to happen.  So, to buy herself some time, she negotiated a delay and the editors accommodated her, but she knew she couldn't delay indefinitely.

Prior to coming to therapy, Alice worked with a life coach to help her to get motivated.  The life coach gave Alice various exercises to do, including writing about her core values.  He encouraged her by telling her to remember her past successes, and he also advised her to do affirmations about her new goal. But nothing worked--she still felt sick whenever she thought of this new opportunity.

Not only was she unable to start, but she also felt like there was something seriously wrong with her because her inaction didn't make sense to her.  Her life coach advised Alice that whatever was creating the obstacle for her was beyond the scope of coaching, and he advised her to seek help in therapy so she could work on a deeper level.

Alice's therapist explained to her that, even though, on a conscious level, Alice wanted this opportunity, she was encountering an unconscious block that was getting in the way.  She also explained how they could uncover this block using Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist described the various types of Experiential Therapy, which use the mind-body connection, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis,. She explained how these modalities uncover and overcome the emotional blocks that were getting in Alice's way (see my article: The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy).

Over time, Alice's therapist helped Alice to get into a relaxed state so she could use a method called the Affect Bridge to go back to the earliest time when she felt this type of anxiety.  Her therapist explained the Affect Bridge could get to the root of what was triggering Alice's anxiety to uncover the problem.

During one of the sessions using the Affect Bridge, Alice recalled a memory she had not remembered in a long time:  When she was in high school, she came home from school feeling very excited because her English teacher said she wanted to recommend Alice to be a writer on the school newspaper.  Alice loved to write and she had always wanted to write for the paper. But when she told her mother about it, her mother frowned and told her, "Don't forget where we come from."  

Since Alice was a very obedient child and she knew her mother disapproved of her writing for the high school paper, she turned down the opportunity, which made her sad; however, she didn't want to make her mother unhappy.

Later on in that same therapy session, when her therapist was debriefing her, Alice explained that her parents immigrated from Eastern Europe just before Alice was born.  They had very little money when they came and they relied heavily on other family members, who were already in New York, to help them until Alice's father was able to get a job.  They often recalled their impoverished circumstances and the importance of family by saying, "Don't forget--always put family first."

Recalling that memory also prompted other memories where her mother disapproved of other opportunities that were presented to Alice.  Each time it was as if her mother believed that these opportunities would create a wedge between Alice and her.  

Even the thought of Alice going to college was fraught for her mother--until Alice's guidance counselor convinced her mother that Alice would have better job opportunities if she went to college.  This was something her mother understood because it involved work and survival, so she relented, but she wouldn't allow Alice to go away, so she had to go to a local college.

Recalling those memories caused Alice a lot of sadness and anger.  Even though she loved her family and she had been especially close to her mother, she wished she had been able to defy her mother to take advantage of these opportunities.  But, she explained, as a teenager, she didn't dare.  She was too afraid of standing up to her mother, and she believed it would break her mother's heart.

"But why is this affecting me now?" Alice asked her therapist, "I'm 45 years old, and both of my parents are long gone" (see my article:  Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

As they continued to work together using Experiential Therapy, Alice realized that, even though her mother was no longer alive, her internal experience of her mother still had a powerful influence on her.  She realized that her mother didn't understand and she feared that if Alice took advantage of these opportunities, Alice would begin to move away from her family emotionally or physically.

Gradually, Alice also realized that, unconsciously, she was still trying to appease and reassure her mother that she was still loyal to her family.  Even though her parents had been dead for a number of years, this unconscious wish was still very much a part of her.

After Alice had this realization, she knew it was not only important to her career that she write for the journal--it was also important for her emotional development to stop operating under these longstanding unconscious thoughts. 

So, with some mixed feelings, she submitted her first article to the journal.  She also continued to work in therapy to grieve for what for the opportunities she missed in the past and to overcome some lingering guilt she felt about doing something she knew her mother would have felt threatened by if she were still alive.

Experiential Therapy Helps You to Overcome Emotional Blocks

Her therapist helped Alice to work through the earlier trauma using EMDR therapy, so Alice was able to let go of the remaining emotional blocks and work on her new project without guilt or hesitation.

Conclusion

The unconscious mind has a powerful role in your decision-making.  So when you encounter an obstacle in making a decision or moving forward with a plan, your unconscious mind is likely involved.

Sometimes there's an old unconscious emotional block, like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable," which is out of your awareness, which keeps you from making the changes you want (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Experiential therapy can help you to make the unconscious conscious, as illustrated in the vignette above, so you're free to live fully in the present without trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling with a problem despite your best efforts to solve it, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can overcome the obstacles holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: What is Power Play?

Power play refers to the BDSM practice of dominant/submissive roles (see my articles: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships and What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

What is Power Play?

What is Power Play?

When you engage in power play with a partner, you both agree beforehand specifically to what you want and don't want.  Some couples write up a power and submission agreement where they negotiate what they want so everything is clear and consensual (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

They also agree beforehand to a safe word, which is a code word that the submissive uses as a way to indicate that they want everything to stop.  If the agreed upon safe word is "red," it's understood that if the submissive says any other word, like, "Stop" or "No more," the dominant won't stop unless the submissive says "red." 

After an agreement has been reached about what they will do and what is off limits, the submissive submits to the dominant partner within the limits of what each of you have given consent to do.  This could include spanking, being tied up or whatever they have agreed to before they take on their roles.  You can be as creative and imaginative as you like as long as you're both in agreement.

Most couples only take on these roles during the power play scene they create, but there are also couples who continue in their roles throughout the relationship unless one of them wants to de-role for a particular reason or a period of time. It all depends on what you and your partner feel comfortable with in your relationship.

How to Keep Power Play Safe and Fun

• Communicate With Your Partner: If this is the first time you're talking to your partner about wanting to engage in power play, you'll probably need to have more than one talk for both of you to be comfortable with it.  If your partner is hesitant, don't pressure them (see the next step below about taking a step back).  Along with communicating, it's very important that you're with someone you know well and trust.

• Take a Step Back, If Necessary, and Talk About Your BDSM Fantasies: If your partner is reluctant, instead of pressuring them, you might want to talk about your sexual fantasies about BDSM without actually doing anything physical and see how your partner responds. For many couples, just talking about the fantasy of power play is enough to get them sexually aroused (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

• Ensure Both of You Are Comfortable and Consent to All the Activities in the Role Play: As previously mentioned, some couples make a written agreement to be specific about what is being agreed to and what is not.  Basically, these role play activities can be anything you want within the bounds of your agreement. Consent should be given without reservations. A half hearted consent where one person is going along with it to please the other partner should be considered a "no."  You can also renegotiate your agreement at any time (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

• Make Sure You're Both Safe: SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual, and it means everyone involved is safe and has the mental capacity to consent to these activities. RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, emphasizes individual responsibility for one's own safety. Both terms are used in the kink community to ensure that both people are safe throughout the entire power play. 

• Check In With Each Other: Even if you have both enthusiastically consented to all the power play activities and you're set to go with whatever sex toys, vibrators, restraints and whatever else you both want to use, check in with yourself and your partner to make sure neither of you are having second thoughts.  What might have seemed like fun while you were both talking about it might not be as much fun for one or both of you in reality.  Be prepared to either scale back what you planned to do or to stop altogether.

• Make It Fun: The roles of dominant/submissive can be intense. So, take safety and consent seriously, but also have fun with it.  Power play is meant to be pleasurable.

• Practice After Care: After care means taking care of each other after you engage in power play. It means that after you and your partner come back from your role play, you're both back to reality.  Many couples find it helpful to practice grounding techniques to make sure you're fully in the present moment, calm and feeling safe.  It's a time for coming back to your everyday roles.  If you're not sure what your partner needs, ask them--it might be a hug or it might mean holding them or talking.  Similarly, ask your partner for what you need.  Also, remember that there can be spikes in endorphins and adrenaline during power play, which can cause a "drop" as you crash from a natural high. This drop might include (but is not limited to): 
• irritability
• guilt
• sadness
• shame
• problems concentrating 
• aches or pains

• Communicate After Power Play and After Care Activities: Once you're both back to the present moment, choose a time that's good for both of you and talk about what worked and what might not have worked in your role play. This will help you to create a fun and safe time if you both decide to do role playing again.

Getting Help in Therapy

Power play can be fun and sexy, but it can also bring up unexpected feelings for some people.

A sex-positive licensed mental health professional, who is knowledgeable about power play and other kink activities, can help you to overcome difficulties that might arise either before or after role play, so don't hesitate to seek help if either of you have unanticipated emotions afterwards.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

What Does Sex Positive Mean?

These days it's generally more acceptable to talk about sex than it used to be. The taboos around sex have been decreasing over time (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Being Sex Positive

As compared to the past, there is a greater awareness that consensual sex between adults is pleasurable and it has many possible health benefits, including: 

• Increased libido
• Better sleep
• Decreased anxiety
• Improved self esteem
• Better heart health
• Lower blood pressure
• Increased emotional intimacy with your partner
• Stress reduction

What Does Sex Positive Mean?

Sex positivity recognizes that sex between consenting adults isn't anything to feel ashamed or guilty about (see my article: Relationships: What is Rec-Relational Sex?).

People who are sex positive have a healthy attitude about sex and they feel comfortable with their bodies and sexual identity. They also respect others' bodies and sexual identity.  In addition, people who are sex positive also consider sexual activities as healthy and pleasurable. 

Sex Positive Attitudes and Behaviors 

The following list include sex positive attitudes and behaviors:

• Developing the necessary communication skills to talk to your partner about sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Being open to discussing your sexual fantasies as well as your likes and dislikes with your partner (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Your Sexual Fantasies)

• Listening to your partner tell you about their sexual preferences

• Being respectful of your partner not necessarily liking what you like

• Making sure you practice safe sex, use reliable birth control (if needed), and getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases when needed

• Advocating for comprehensive sex education 

• Being nonjudgmental and respectful of the diversity of sexuality and gender expression

• Valuing consent, communication, and education that allows individuals to make informed choices about their bodies and their pleasure 

What is Sex Negativity?

Sex negativity approaches sex from fear and shame.  It attempts to induce guilt and shame. Although there is less sex negativity than in the past, there is still a significant amount of negativity about sexual attitudes and behavior, which is ingrained in certain segments of our society, including:

• Telling girls and women that they "provoked" a sexual attack based on the clothes they wear (victim blaming)

• Shaming women for engaging in sex, often referred to as "slut shaming"

• Acting violently against heterosexual women and girls, lesbians, bisexuals, sex workers, trans women

• Making derogatory sexual remarks to women or girls

• Dividing women into "good girls" and "bad girls" (also known as the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex)

• Condoning an attitude of "boys will be boys" when boys or men attack women verbally or physically 

• Getting offended if your partner doesn't want to engage in a particular sexual activity that you want

• Pressuring or bullying your partner to participate in sexual activities that they don't want

• Shaming your partner about sexual fantasies involving consenting adults

• Being unwilling to discuss sex with your partner out of shame or guilt

• Being unwilling to practice safe sex or use birth control if requested by your partner

• Advocating against sex education

• Being judgmental and disrespectful to diversity of sexuality and gender expression

• Devaluing sex as being dirty, shameful, disgusting, unnatural, risky and so on

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with attitude or behaviors that are sex negative, seek help from a knowledgeable sex positive mental health professional.

Freeing yourself from sex negativity can help you and your partner to have a more intimate and enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.