What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?

In my prior article, Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues With the Cat-and-Mouse Game?, I discussed the relationship dynamics of emotional pursuers and withdrawers and the underlying issues involved, including the pursuer's fear of abandonment and the withdrawer's fear of engulfment.

In the current article I'm focusing on what fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment look like in the same relationship.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are loved and cherished will leave. Although anyone can develop a fear of abandonment at any time, most of the time it's rooted in childhood trauma.  For instance, it could mean the loss of a parent who moved out or who died.  

This fear makes it difficult to have adult romantic relationships because this person feels vulnerable to being left in the same way s/he was left as a child (see my article: Fear of Abandonment).

What is Fear of Engulfment?

Fear of engulfment in a relationship is a fear of being trapped and smothered as well as a fear of losing independence.  

People who fear being engulfed show their fear by behaving emotionally indifferent, withdrawn, or distant.  They might cheat on their partner as a way of distancing themselves and creating emotional distance in the relationship. They might also find other ways to punish the partner who is an emotional pursuer.

This fear develops during childhood within an enmeshed family where family members were intrusive with each other and did not respect each other's personal boundaries (see my article: Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

Clinical Vignette

People who fear being abandoned often choose people who fear engulfment and vice versa.  These are not conscious choices.  These choices occur unconsciously.  

The clinical vignette below illustrates how this dynamic between the emotional pursuer (the person who fears being abandoned) and the emotional withdrawer (the person who fears being engulfed) plays out and how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help (see my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples?).

This is just one way that fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment manifest in a relationship.  There are many other ways it can show up in a relationship.  However, the scenario presented below is a common example of this dynamic.

This vignette is made up of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Meg and Todd

Meg and Todd, who were both in their mid-30s, met and they felt immediate chemistry for each other. They began dating soon after they met.

During the first few months, they spent a lot of time together, which was fun, and sex was passionate, which they both enjoyed.  

As the relationship got serious, problems arose.  Meg realized how much she cared for Todd and she worried he might end the relationship and she would be devastated.  She was familiar with her fear of abandonment from psychotherapy sessions she attended in the past.  

Meg knew from her prior therapy that her fear of abandonment was related to a real abandonment that occurred when she was five when her father walked out of the house and he was never to be seen again.  

Although she knew about the origin of her fear, she didn't know how to stop it from happening whenever she developed deeper feelings for someone.  So, her insight about her fear didn't help her when she felt worried.

During this same time, as Todd developed stronger feelings for Meg, an old fear of his surface--his fear of being engulfed in the relationship.  

Initially, he liked spending a lot of time with Meg, but now that their relationship was much more serious, he felt trapped.  Todd wanted to spend less time with her and have more time to himself.  

He felt annoyed whenever Meg told him about plans she wanted to make with him.  Outwardly, he went along with it, but inwardly he felt like screaming that he cared about her, but he needed his independence.  

He also sensed how fearful she was that their relationship wouldn't work out and he would leave, which he secretly thought about whenever he felt especially trapped.

Things came to a head six months into the relationship when Meg told Todd she wanted to talk about the relationship.  From her earnest look, Todd knew Meg was going to ask him where he thought the relationship was going and if he was thinking of a future with her.  He was also aware that Meg wanted to get pregnant in the next year or two and this added to the pressure (see my article: Is It Time For "The Talk"?).

When they sat down to talk, they were both silent at first.  Meg seemed to be waiting for Todd to speak and Todd was silent and dreading this conversation.  Finally, Todd broke the silence by telling Meg that he cared for her a lot, but he had mixed feelings about whether they had a future together.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

This was exactly what Meg feared and she broke down crying uncontrollably.  Her fear of abandonment was being triggered. 

Seeing her reaction, Todd wasn't sure what to do.  On the one hand, he felt he should comfort her.  But, on the other hand, he felt like running away because he felt overwhelmed by her reaction.  Todd's fear of being engulfed was being triggered.

So, they were both triggered.  Meg sat crying on the couch and Todd suppressed his urge to run out of the room.  It was almost as if he was paralyzed.

At Meg's insistence, they started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist (see my article: How EFT For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Todd just went along with it at first to please Meg.  But as time went on, he became curious and more engaged in couples therapy.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Meg and Todd to look at their negative cycle together.  Rather than blame each other, she helped them to get curious about their dynamic.  

As they continued to attend couples therapy, Meg learned that she was an emotional pursuer and Todd learned he was an emotional withdrawer and their dynamics were rooted in their childhood experiences (see my article: Emotional Pursuers).

Todd learned that he developed his fear of engulfment due to the dynamics in his enmeshed family.  Both of his parents were strict disciplinarians.  They were highly critical and imposed their will on him until he got fed up and moved out after he graduated college.  Even after he was on his own, his parents refused to respect Todd's personal boundaries.  

Even now that he was in his mid-30s, they expressed their strong negative opinions about almost everything he did.  So, he had a lot of pent up resentment towards them and these experiences created a fear of being trapped and overwhelmed.

Gradually, Tom came to see how his emotional withdrawal with Meg was related to his unresolved childhood experiences (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Unlike her prior therapy, which was cognitive behavioral (CBT), Meg experienced EFT, which is a type of experiential therapy, in an embodied way.  Instead of having just intellectual understanding about her fear of abandonment, she felt the insight emotionally as well as viscerally.

Their therapist explained to them how people often make unconscious choices when they choose someone to be in a relationship.  She explained that these choices often bring up what they fear the most.  

In other words, an emotional pursuer often unconsciously chooses an emotional withdrawer and vice versa for an emotional withdrawer.

As Meg and Todd learned to turn towards each other to work together to change their negative dynamic, they grew closer together.  

EFT Helps Couples to Develop a Healthier Relationship

By the time they completed EFT couples therapy, Meg and Todd changed their negative cycle into a healthier dynamic.  

There were still times when Meg still feared being abandoned and Todd still feared being engulfed, but they were able to talk about it and get out of that negative cycle based on what they learned in EFT (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Both Stuck).

Eventually, Todd and Meg each got into their own individual therapy to work on their own. unresolved childhood trauma that created their fears.  Working through the trauma enabled them to free themselves of the fears that manifested in their relationship.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for a person with a fear of abandonment and a person with fear of engulfment to unconsciously choose each other for a relationship.

A couple with this dynamic can get stuck in a negative cycle indefinitely because they don't understand the dynamic they are in and they don't know how to stop it.  T

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which is an attachment-based therapy, helps couples to understand their dynamic and then work together to change it so they can have a healthier relationship together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally

In my prior articles, I discussed the emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in relationships by focusing on the person who tends to withdraw emotionally.  The focus of this article will be on the person who tends to pursue emotionally (see my articles: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally in a Relationship

Understanding the Emotional Pursuer in a Relationship

The person who tends to pursue their partner is usually the one who wants to talk about the relationship more, process problems in the relationship, have a stronger connection and spend more time together, among other things. 

When discussing either the withdrawer or the pursuer, it's important to discuss the dynamics of the other partner because each partner is reacting to the other one.

As I discussed in the previous articles, while emotional withdrawers (also called distancers) often have an avoidant attachment style, emotional pursuers often have an anxious attachment style.  This usually leads to an ongoing pursuer-withdrawer cycle where the more the pursuer pursues, the more the withdrawer withdraws, and the more the withdrawer retreats, the more the pursuer pursues (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

The withdrawer withdraws because they're emotionally overwhelmed.  They might withdraw--either emotionally, physically or both.  Even if they remain in the same room with the pursuer, they might numb out so they're no longer listening to their partner.

At that point, many withdrawers, who are overwhelmed, just need time to regroup before they can have a dialogue with their partner.  Some people are sufficiently self aware to know what's going on with them, so they can tell their partner they need space.  Others aren't sure what they're feeling, so they don't say anything before they withdraw, which leaves their partner anxious and unhappy (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

To the pursuer, who is anxious to make things right in the relationship, the emotional distancing of the withdrawer feels like a rejection.  For many pursuers this feels intolerable, so they'll double down on their pursuing by being even more insistent.  This often means they demand the withdrawer to speak or, if the withdrawer has left the room, they follow the withdrawer and continue to insist on talking.

So, the couple gets stuck in this negative cycle that doesn't work, but each of them continues to engage in the same pattern of behavior because they don't know what else to do (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

You might wonder: Why does the pursuer continue to insist on talking when it only makes the withdrawer retreat even more?  

The answer isn't the same for everyone, but most of the time the problem is that the pursuer is usually the one who wants to get to the bottom of their problems.  Many withdrawers would rather not address the problems at all and, on some level, pursuers know this.

In fairness to pursuers, if they didn't insist, problems might not get resolved.  In addition, they often don't see that their partner is distancing due to emotional overwhelm--not because they're rejecting the pursuer or they don't care.

In fairness to the withdrawers, if they didn't distance themselves sometimes, arguments would get too heated and nothing of value would be accomplished.  Sometimes things actually get worse when both people are overwhelmed and they don't take a break.

So, neither pursuing nor distancing is a bad thing in and of itself.  It's a matter of how each person's dynamics are affecting the other person.  Both people might have good intentions, but they need to learn new skills for interacting with one another.

It's not unusual for the pursuer to see him or herself as a martyr in the relationship.  They see themselves as the one who is more committed to the relationship and, for all their sacrifices, they feel they get little or no appreciation from their partner.  They might also express feeling humiliated or ashamed of how they're being treated by their partner.

What pursuers often don't see is that this view of martyrdom often comes from a longstanding unconscious belief that they don't deserve to be treated well.  As a result, they unconsciously choose a partner who is emotionally avoidant (in other words, a withdrawer), which reinforces the pursuer's underlying belief that they're not worthy.  This unconscious belief often goes back to early childhood dynamics in the family of origin.

There is also a secondary gain to being perceived by friends and family members as the one who is working hard to make the relationship work and who, in return, gets no appreciation from their partner.  From the pursuer's point of view, friends and family members appreciate them (or, more often, pity them), so why can't their partner?

The other secondary gain is that, by virtue of the fact that pursuers are the ones who are the initiators in the emotional realm of the relationship, they also get to control the relationship on an emotional level.  When they want to be close, they pursue, and when they want space, they don't pursue.  But pursuers are often unaware of this.

From the withdrawer's perspective, the pursuer, whom they see as "needy," is "nagging" them.  Withdrawers tend to see the pursuer's wish for closeness as a weakness.  For withdrawers, the secondary gain is feeling superior to the pursuer because they don't see themselves as so needy.  But they often feel disconnected and lonely when they withdraw.

Unconsciously, withdrawers don't realize that their choice of a pursuer for a partner is often the result of their own problems communicating what they need from a partner.  So, they choose someone who will be the one who seeks greater emotional intimacy while they remain safely retreated.  This is usually the result of the withdrawer's low self esteem.

How Can a Couple Break Out of the Negative Cycle?

For Both Partners:

• Each partner needs to recognize they're stuck in a negative cycle and focus on changing the cycle rather than blaming or trying to change their partner.

• They both need to recognize that they're choosing to be with their partner--they're not being forced to stay in this relationship.  

• They need to recognize that they're probably at the same level with regard to maturity, emotional intelligence and intimacy, so there's no need to feel either superior or inferior to their partner.  

For the Pursuer:

• They need to own their part of the dynamic and stop blaming their partner for the problems in the relationship.

• They need to learn to stop pursuing their partner.  This often brings up fears that if they stop pursuing, the relationship will be over, but chasing after the partner doesn't work.  It actually makes matters worse. So, pursuers need to face the risk and give their partners a chance to come to them.

• Since pursuers are often too self sacrificing, they need to start focusing on themselves more.  Rather than trying to get all their emotional needs met in the relationship, they also need to find other ways to feel fulfilled so they don't put undue pressure on their partner.

• They need to recognize that, although they can tell their partners what they're emotional needs are, they can't change their partner or make them act a certain way.

• They also need to take responsibility for their own happiness.  Ultimately, if their partner can't give them what they want, they need to decide whether this is the right relationship for them.

For the Withdrawer:

• They need to take responsibility for their part of the dynamic in the relationship. Most withdrawers know, on some level, that when they withdraw, their partner will pursue, so they need to ask themselves what they get out of this--whether it's feeling superior to their partner or feeling their partner really needs them, and so on.

• The challenge for withdrawers is to eventually remain present without withdrawing emotionally or physically. Building the emotional capacity to do this is a process that will involve the cooperation and empathy of both partners.  

• Rather than criticizing their partner for "nagging," they need to develop a more empathetic stance to see their partner's concerns from the partner's perspective.

• They need to recognize that their partner is often the one who pushes for positive changes in the relationship.  They might not like how their partner actually goes about doing this, but a recognition of their partner's intention is important.

• They need to develop the capacity to put words to their feelings before they numb out or withdraw.

• Similar to pursuers, they need to see that they're choosing to remain in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing a negative cycle is very hard for a couple to do on their own.

A licensed psychotherapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help a couple to change the negative cycle so they can have a happier relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to overcome their negative cycle so they could have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I discussed the typical characteristics of emotional withdrawers, how they usually develop these characteristics, and how these dynamics affect their partners who are emotional pursuers.  In Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a clinical vignette to give more details illustrating how these dynamics play out in a relationship and how Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples can help.

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

As a brief recap of Part 1: Whether they're aware of it or not, emotional withdrawers' objective when they withdraw is seeking emotional safety because they're overwhelmed by the conflict.  They often need time to regroup before they can engage with their partner, but they might not have the words to say this while they're in an overwhelmed state.

Their partners, who are emotional pursuers, often misunderstand the withdrawer because, from the outside, withdrawers appear as if they don't care or they're rejecting their partner. This, in turn, creates anxiety for the emotional pursuer, who wants to resolve their problem, so they pursue the withdrawer while the withdrawer is overwhelmed, which makes the withdrawer withdraw even more.

As I mentioned in Part 1, a major problem in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic is that each person's behavior exacerbates the other's and it creates an ongoing negative cycle that keeps the couple stuck.

A Clinical Vignette: The Negative Cycle of an Emotional Pursuer and a Withdrawer and How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Can Help

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Mary and Joe

By the time Mary and Joe came to couples therapy, they were already discussing the possibility of divorce.  They were typical of many couples who wait until their problems are dire before they seek help.  They were each aware that a divorce would be very upsetting to their 12 year old son, so they decided to make one last ditch effort to save their 15 year marriage before they contacted divorce attorneys.

During their first session with their EFT therapist, Joe explained that Mary had suggested couples therapy many times over the years and he had rejected that idea, which he now regretted.  He also admitted that he had problems expressing vulnerable emotions and the thought of talking to a couples therapist made him uncomfortable, to say the least (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

What changed his mind, he explained, was when Mary told him that she couldn't tolerate spending another 15 years with a man who withdrew emotionally whenever there was a problem between them.  He realized he needed to put aside his discomfort to give couples therapy a try because he didn't really want a divorce.  He also didn't want his son to be hurt by a divorce.  Then, he threw up his hands and said to the therapist, "So, here I am..."

When it was Mary's turn to talk, she hesitated before she told the therapist, "I'm here, but I feel burnt out from trying all these years to get Joe to express his feelings."  Then, she recounted all the ways she tried over the years to get Joe to tell her what was going on with him--all to no avail.  

Neither Mary nor Joe had ever been in individual or couples therapy before.

As their couples therapist listened to each of them, she realized that Joe is the emotional withdrawer and Mary is a burnt out emotional pursuer.  Their negative cycle was entrenched and neither of them seemed hopeful of a good outcome, which would make the couples therapy challenging. But, as a resourceful Emotionally Focused therapist for couples, she had plenty of tools in her toolbox and she saw it as hopeful sign that they came to couples therapy at all.

Early on in their couples therapy sessions, the therapist asked for Mary's and Joe's family histories, which is an important part of the assessment process in EFT.  

Mary described a childhood in a middle class family in California where both parents were professors.  She was the older of two daughters growing up in the suburbs.  Her parents were open, affectionate and emotionally supportive with Mary and her sister.  

She knew she could always go to either of her parents if she had a problem and she often did. They also had strong roots in their community and their local church. Although they attended their church, Mary said, they weren't especially religious--they just liked the communal atmosphere at the church.  She identified herself as agnostic.

There was a period of time when her parents went through a rough patch when Mary's father lost his position at a major university and there was financial uncertainty.  She was aware that there was tension between her parents due to financial stressors, but things calmed down when her father became tenured at another university.  Mary explained that she continued to have good relationships with her parents and sister. She denied any major trauma in her family history or in her personal history.

When it was Joe's turn to talk about his family history, he hesitated, and the therapist tried to reassure him that she knew it was often difficult to talk about one's family in therapy.  In response, Joe gave a terse description of his family while he was looking down at the floor, "There were five of us. We weren't rich, but my parents did the best they could.  I can't blame them for my problems."

As the couples therapist urged Joe to go into more details, he paused and then he described a working class family in New York City that struggled financially most of the time.  He said his father was the sole breadwinner and, even though his father was a hard worker, he was frequently laid off from his jobs as a construction laborer. These layoffs created tension between his parents.  

According to Joe, neither of his parents were physically or emotionally affectionate with him or his siblings, and he never saw them express affection towards each other, "They didn't have time to get mushy with us or with each other.  My father focused on work and my mother focused on raising the kids and keeping a good home."  His parents didn't have friends or close family nearby, and they weren't involved in their community.

But he knew his parents loved him from their things they did.  His mother enjoyed cooking for the family and took pride in setting a nice table.  His father taught him how to repair cars when Joe was a teenager, so Joe could get a part time job while in high school at a car repair shop to buy his own clothes, books and an attend an occasional sports event if there was money left over.  

Joe explained to the therapist, somewhat defensively, "I knew my parents were overwhelmed just trying to make ends meet so, as a child, I didn't want to burden them with my problems, so I mostly kept my feelings to myself.  But I think I had good parents and a good childhood.  We didn't talk about problems--we just got on with it and did what we had to do."

With regard to family trauma, Joe's mother had a miscarriage when Joe was 10 years old. Since his parents were stoic, they never talked about it with Joe or his siblings, but he knew his parents were sad.  He also had no one to talk about it, "I had to grow up fast."

Over time, their couples therapist provided psychoeducation about Emotionally Focused therapy and couples' dynamics, including the pursuer-withdrawer patterns and the negative cycle, attachment styles and how different styles affected relationships, and the impact of childhood family history on adult relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

Initially, Joe didn't respond well to the psychoeducation that the therapist provided, especially as it related to his family.  He was annoyed and defensive, but when the therapist asked him if he was raising his son the same way that he was raised, he paused and looked sad, "No, I'm a lot more open with my son than my parents were with me.  We talk when something is bothering him, so I guess I see the difference. I just don't feel right criticizing my parents.  Compared to their parents, they did a lot better" (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style). 

The therapist explained that the psychoeducation about the impact of his family history wasn't meant to criticize his parents.  Based on what Joe had told her about their childhood, she said, she realized his parents had it tough too when they were children and this dynamic often persists from one generation to the next, "That's why it's great, Joe, that you're able to be open with your son--even though you didn't experience that in your family" (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

As Joe and Mary continued to attend couples therapy, Joe opened up more. Mary also became a lot more empathetic towards Joe when she realized how his family background impacted him as an adult.  They both began making more reparative gestures towards each other by looking at each other affectionately and reaching out to hold hands, which the therapist knew was a good sign.

Their therapist explained to Mary and Joe that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship.  It wasn't about finding someone to blame for their problems. Instead, she told them, they were stuck in a negative cycle and she encouraged them to work together in therapy to change their cycle as opposed to blaming each other.

Over time, Joe and Mary looked forward to their couples therapy sessions. They practiced the exercises the therapist gave them to do at home and came back to talk about what happened during their next session.  

Joe came into session one day full of pride to talk about the first argument they had since they began couples therapy where they used the tools they learned in their sessions. The argument was about whether or not to repair their existing washing machine or buy a new one, "When Mary told me she wanted a new washing machine, I became so angry that I wanted to storm out of the room and spend the rest of the day in the garage.  But then something happened--I remembered that I didn't have to leave.  I could take a moment to calm myself and continue talking to her-- and I did."

Mary smiled at Joe, "At first, I thought for sure you were going to storm out the way you usually do. Then I usually run out after you to try to force you to keep talking to me, which makes matters worse.  But then I thought about our negative cycle and I made up my mind that if you stormed out, rather than running after you, I would give you the space you needed to calm yourself.  But you didn't walk out.  You stayed and we were able to talk it out, which made me so happy."

Gradually, Joe and Mary changed their dynamic.  There were times when they slipped back into their usual negative cycle, but those times were fewer as time went on.  Even when they did slip back into their negative cycle, one or both of them made a reparative gesture so they didn't remain stuck in it for long.

By the time they completed couples therapy, Joe and Mary were getting along much better.  They still had arguments, as all couples do, but most of the time they weren't entrenched in a pursuer-withdrawer negative dynamic (see my article: EFT For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Conclusion

Couples often get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to get out of it.  Many factors contribute to the negative cycle, including each person's attachment style, which is developed early on in childhood based on family of origin dynamics.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples to identify their dynamics and provides tools for change (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Future Articles

The last two articles focused specifically on emotional withdrawers, but I don't want to leave the impression that withdrawers are the sole problem in relationships.  In future articles I'll focus on emotional pursuers and how they interact with withdrawers.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you can both learn how to work towards changing that cycle if you're motivated to work in couples therapy.

Getting help sooner rather than later is one of the key factors to having a successful outcome in couples therapy, so don't wait.  

Seek help from a licensed mental health professional trained in EFT for couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1

In my prior articles about relationships, I've discussed couples who have a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic.  That dynamic involves one partner who tends to pursue sexually and the other partner who tends to withdraw sexually (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences). 

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, couples might switch roles so the pursuer becomes the withdrawer and the withdrawer becomes the pursuer, but the pattern often remains the the same--the pursuer remains the pursuer and the withdrawer remains the withdrawer.

In the same way that there's a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, there can also be an emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in a relationship, and the dynamic isn't necessarily the same in emotional situations as it is in sexual situations.

In other words, the sexual pursuer can also be an emotional withdrawer and the sexual withdrawer can be the emotional pursuer.  

In other relationships the pursuer pursues both sexually and emotionally and the withdrawer withdraws sexually and emotionally.  

How Common is the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic in Relationships?

Pursuer-withdrawer dynamics are found in the vast majority of relationships.  This dynamic is so pervasive that it's found in over 80% of relationships.  The pervasiveness of this pattern makes it important to understand, especially if it affects you and your partner.

In the current article, I'm focusing on emotional withdrawers (also known as emotional  distancers) because they're often misunderstood.

How Are Emotional Withdrawers Misunderstood By Their Partners?

People who withdraw emotionally aren't always withdrawn all the time.  They can be engaging, funny and affectionate at times, but when they're in a conflict or having an argument with their partner, they tend to withdraw.  

Their partner might see them as emotionally unreachable during those times because not only do they distance themselves emotionally--sometimes they withdraw physically by walking into another room and shutting the door or leaving the household to avoid dealing with a conflict or emotionally charged situation.

Emotional withdrawers are often perceived as being:

• Emotionally unavailable
• Aloof
• Uncommunicative
• Avoidant
• Unable to take in the emotions of their partner
• Lacking empathy for their partner
• Seeking isolation
• Seeking autonomy
• Less proactive in terms of resolving problems in the relationship
• Denying they need anything emotionally from others
• Workaholics (to avoid emotional intimacy)

If this is what the partner who is the emotional pursuer sees in the emotional withdrawer, is it any wonder that the pursuer becomes frustrated and unhappy with the withdrawer?  

In these situations, the emotional pursuer feels like s/he just can't get through to the withdrawer because the more the pursuer pursues the more the withdrawer withdraws.

But What is Really Going on Internally For Emotional Withdrawers?

Most of the time what the emotional pursuer perceives from the outside is only a part of the story as compared to what is going on for the emotional withdrawer on the inside.

In other words, although the emotional withdrawer appears on the outside as if s/he has no emotions or doesn't care, they often care very much.  

The key to understanding someone who withdraws emotionally is that they're uncomfortable with conflict and they automatically seek emotional safety by outwardly withdrawing. Often what the withdrawer experiences on the inside is fear and then emotional shutdown (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

The emotional withdrawer often doesn't know how to self soothe in an emotionally stressful situation with a partner, so they withdraw until they feel safe again.  This might mean that they cut themselves off from their emotions or, as previously mentioned, they withdraw physically into another room or out of the house (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Usually when a withdrawer hears complaints from their partner, they feel like they have failed in their relationship.  Even if their partner is trying to come across as empathetic and tactful in their approach, the withdrawer can still feel like a failure in the relationship and this is often emotionally intolerable for the withdrawer.

This dynamic of seeking emotional safety by withdrawing doesn't work in a pursuer-withdrawer relationship because the emotional pursuer, in frustration, will double down on their pursuing when their partner seems to be distancing (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

At that point, when the pursuer pursues, the withdrawer often withdraws even more, which exacerbates the situation. It sets up an ongoing negative cycle in the relationship where each person engages in their individual pattern and each person feels increasingly unhappy and frustrated with their partner.

How Did the Emotional Withdrawer Become This Way?

People who are emotional withdrawers often have an avoidant attachment style (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

As children, people who have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style usually had a primary caregiver who was emotionally unavailable. The primary caregiver was either unable or unwilling to meet the child's emotional needs, so the child was emotionally neglected.  In some cases, the caregiver might have also been emotionally or physically abusive, especially when the child sought affection or emotional support (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

This is pattern can be understood as involving intergenerational trauma: The primary caregiver didn't get their emotional needs met, so they don't know how to meet the emotional needs of their children.  Most of the time, they are emotional withdrawers themselves so that they become very uncomfortable when the child seeks affection or emotional support.

Children who grow up with a primary caretaker who is an emotional withdrawer learn early in life that they must fend for themselves emotionally.  

But the problem is that, developmentally, children can't fend for themselves in a healthy way, so the only way they can cope with this dynamic is to keep their emotions to themselves by shutting down emotionally.  They become emotionally avoidant or dismissive. Then, when they become adults, they continue to cope in the same way, which becomes problematic in a relationship (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

These same adults were often ridiculed by their primary caregivers for being emotionally vulnerable and wanting emotional nurturance: "Don't be a baby" or "Boys don't cry" or "You're being a sissy" or "Don't be weak."

Adults, who grew up being ridiculed as children for having normal emotional needs, are often afraid to be emotionally vulnerable because their needs were used against them by their caregivers. And these adults are sometimes right because in the heat of an argument even the most empathetic pursuer can say hurtful things (see my article: Are You Afraid to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in Your Relationship?).

Conclusion

Seeking emotional safety is the primary objective of the emotional withdrawer, but it often doesn't look that way to the emotionally pursuing partner.  To the pursuer it looks like the withdrawer is either rejecting them or doesn't care, but looks can be deceiving when it comes to the dynamics of an emotional withdrawer.

Although it can be challenging, understanding what's really going on for the emotional withdrawer is one of the keys to having a more empathetic and effective response. It also helps to know when to back off and when to engage (see my article: An Empathetic Response Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

These dynamics can change as each partner learns to be more emotionally vulnerable with the other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

My Next Article

Understanding emotional withdrawers is a large topic, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing lifelong behavioral patterns is difficult--whether you're an emotional pursuer or a withdrawer in a relationship.

Getting help in individual or couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional, who understands the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic and who can help you to make changes, can save your relationship (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples? and How EFT Can Help Withdrawers Cope With Their Emotions).

Instead of struggling with a negative cycle that isn't working in your relationship, seek help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many people to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out The Differences in Their Relationship to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this article about sexual pursuers and withdrawers, I described the dynamics in a relationship where one partner, the sexual pursuer, tends to want and pursue more sex than the sexual withdrawer.  I also provided steps that each person can take, as either the pursuer or the withdrawer, to improve their relationship.  In this article I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics that I discussed in the previous article.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out the Differences in Their Relationship

As I mentioned in Part 1, an emotional pursuer in a relationship can be a sexual withdrawer in the same relationship and an emotional withdrawer can be a sexual pursuer in the same relationship.  

Also, both men and women can be either sexual pursuers or sexual withdrawers. However, when it comes to emotional pursuers and withdrawers, most of the time women are the emotional pursuers and men are the emotional withdrawers.

Clinical Vignette: A Relationship With a Sexual Pursuer and a Sexual Withdrawer 

Amy and John, who were in their mid-40s, were married for 15 years and they had two teenage sons who lived with them.  For the last six months, Amy, who was the sexual pursuer in their relationship, was complaining to John, who tended to be sexual withdrawer, because he often wasn't in the mood for sex.  

Whenever Amy attempted to initiate sex with John, he told her that he was too tired and stressed out from his new job at a corporate law firm.  He worked very long hours, and he was also expected to work most  nights and weekends, which left very little time for the couple. 

Amy loved her job as a director at a major New York City museum.  Whereas John often came home feeling exhausted and depleted, Amy usually came home feeling invigorated by her work.  She would come home feeling inspired and she wanted to talk about her day, but ever since John started his new job, he came home anxious and irritable, and he still had several more hours of work to do after he got home.  

Amy felt lonely and sad because John was so immersed in and exhausted from his work.  Before John started at his new job, they usually spent time in bed on Sunday mornings while their sons were at soccer practice.  This used to be their private time when they cuddled and made love.  

However, since he began his new job, John preferred to sleep late on Sundays.  Even at the beginning of their relationship, he tended to take longer to get sexually aroused as compared to Amy, who, as previously mentioned, was usually the one to initiate sex.  

A year into their marriage, Amy suggested that John have his testosterone level checked and, sure enough, his testosterone level was low, which helped explain why he often wasn't as sexually aroused as Amy and he usually didn't initiate sex.  Even though it took him longer than Amy to get sexually aroused, he was usually responsive to Amy's sexual initiation, and they both eventually accepted that she was the sexual pursuer in their relationship.  

But since his workload and stress increased, John had almost no interest in sex, and the things that Amy used to do that got John turned on no longer worked.  Moreover, whenever Amy tried to talk to John about it, he got angry and told Amy that she wasn't being understanding.

During this same time period, Amy hired a new consultant, Bill, for a six month project.at her museum.  Amy and Bill began to work closely together on a museum project, and they were spending a lot of time together, including afterwork dinners.  

Since John hardly ever wanted to hear about what was going on at her museum, Amy was happy to finally have someone to talk to about her projects.  She also liked that they had so much in common and he shared her enthusiasm for the work. 

Bill was very handsome and charming, and Amy realized she was attracted to him immediately, and she realized that he was attracted to her too.  But she wasn't worried that she would cross the boundary from colleagues to lovers.  She knew that in 15 years of marriage, neither she nor John had ever been unfaithful and she had no intention of getting involved with Bill.  

Then one night over dinner and drinks Bill confided in Amy that his relationship with his girlfriend was on the rocks and he felt lonely.  He told Amy that his girlfriend, who lived with him, never wanted to move to New York City when he was offered the consulting position with the museum, and he thought they were headed for a breakup.  

Amy listened compassionately.  Then she confided in Bill that she was also concerned about her marriage to John, and Bill reached over and held her hand.  At that point, Amy realized that they were crossing over into potentially risky territory, and she tactfully removed her hand from his.

The next day when Amy was in her therapy session, she told her psychotherapist that she was worried about the mutual attraction with Bill.  After Amy described the situation to her therapist, her therapist told Amy that it appeared she and Bill were on the verge of having an emotional affair (see my article:  Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).  

Amy's therapist recommended that Amy set better professional boundaries with Bill.  She also recommended that Amy and John attend couples therapy to deal with their nonexistent sex life.

Two weeks later, Amy and John began Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.  After a while, they began to have a better understanding of their relationship dynamics.  Their couples therapist did an assessment of each of their sexual histories as well as their sexual history as a couple.  

When asked, John explained that he still found Amy attractive, but he just couldn't muster the energy to have sex. He said that when Amy told him that she wanted to attend couples therapy, it was a wake up call for him and he didn't want his marriage to fall apart.

Listening to John talk about his work stress and anxiety, Amy felt a new sense of empathy and compassion for him.  Her attitude towards him softened and she reached out to touch his arm to comfort him.

During their sessions, John acknowledged that his libido was low due to his low level of testosterone, and, whereas he had been unwilling to take medication before, he now agreed to take medication.

John also made an important decision that, although he liked the fact that he was earning a lot more money on his new job, he didn't feel the extra money was worth the negative impact it was having on his marriage.  So, he approached his former boss, who had told John that he could return to the company if things didn't work out at his new job, and told his boss that he wanted to return.

In addition to taking the medication to increase his libido and returning to his old job, which was much less stressful, John began to initiate sex more with Amy.  Although she was still the one who got turned on more easily, she was patient with John and allowed him to take the lead more often in their lovemaking.  

A few months later, their couples therapist suggested that they had made progress in therapy and they no longer needed to attend sessions, and John and Amy agreed.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for there to be differences in sexual arousal, desire and willingness to have sex between two people in a relationship.

Whereas the sexual pursuer is usually the one who is more easily aroused sexually and tends to be the one who initiates sex, the sexual withdrawer often takes longer, for a variety of reasons, to get sexually aroused and initiates less often.

The sexual pursuer is usually the one who wants to work on their sex life (and, often, the relationship, in general).  Unlike the vignette above, sometimes, if the sexual pursuer pushes the withdrawer too hard, the withdrawer will retreat even more and then they get stuck in a negative cycle where each person's actions exacerbates the other person's emotions and behavior.

If both people are willing to work out these issues in couples therapy, they can learn about their relationship dynamics and make changes to improve their sex life.

Getting Help in Therapy 

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship and you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could both benefit from seeking help in therapy.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (also known as EFT) is a well-researched and evidence-based therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.