How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out The Differences in Their Relationship to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this article about sexual pursuers and withdrawers, I described the dynamics in a relationship where one partner, the sexual pursuer, tends to want and pursue more sex than the sexual withdrawer.  I also provided steps that each person can take, as either the pursuer or the withdrawer, to improve their relationship.  In this article I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics that I discussed in the previous article.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out the Differences in Their Relationship

As I mentioned in Part 1, an emotional pursuer in a relationship can be a sexual withdrawer in the same relationship and an emotional withdrawer can be a sexual pursuer in the same relationship.  

Also, both men and women can be either sexual pursuers or sexual withdrawers. However, when it comes to emotional pursuers and withdrawers, most of the time women are the emotional pursuers and men are the emotional withdrawers.

Clinical Vignette: A Relationship With a Sexual Pursuer and a Sexual Withdrawer 

Amy and John, who were in their mid-40s, were married for 15 years and they had two teenage sons who lived with them.  For the last six months, Amy, who was the sexual pursuer in their relationship, was complaining to John, who tended to be sexual withdrawer, because he often wasn't in the mood for sex.  

Whenever Amy attempted to initiate sex with John, he told her that he was too tired and stressed out from his new job at a corporate law firm.  He worked very long hours, and he was also expected to work most  nights and weekends, which left very little time for the couple. 

Amy loved her job as a director at a major New York City museum.  Whereas John often came home feeling exhausted and depleted, Amy usually came home feeling invigorated by her work.  She would come home feeling inspired and she wanted to talk about her day, but ever since John started his new job, he came home anxious and irritable, and he still had several more hours of work to do after he got home.  

Amy felt lonely and sad because John was so immersed in and exhausted from his work.  Before John started at his new job, they usually spent time in bed on Sunday mornings while their sons were at soccer practice.  This used to be their private time when they cuddled and made love.  

However, since he began his new job, John preferred to sleep late on Sundays.  Even at the beginning of their relationship, he tended to take longer to get sexually aroused as compared to Amy, who, as previously mentioned, was usually the one to initiate sex.  

A year into their marriage, Amy suggested that John have his testosterone level checked and, sure enough, his testosterone level was low, which helped explain why he often wasn't as sexually aroused as Amy and he usually didn't initiate sex.  Even though it took him longer than Amy to get sexually aroused, he was usually responsive to Amy's sexual initiation, and they both eventually accepted that she was the sexual pursuer in their relationship.  

But since his workload and stress increased, John had almost no interest in sex, and the things that Amy used to do that got John turned on no longer worked.  Moreover, whenever Amy tried to talk to John about it, he got angry and told Amy that she wasn't being understanding.

During this same time period, Amy hired a new consultant, Bill, for a six month project.at her museum.  Amy and Bill began to work closely together on a museum project, and they were spending a lot of time together, including afterwork dinners.  

Since John hardly ever wanted to hear about what was going on at her museum, Amy was happy to finally have someone to talk to about her projects.  She also liked that they had so much in common and he shared her enthusiasm for the work. 

Bill was very handsome and charming, and Amy realized she was attracted to him immediately, and she realized that he was attracted to her too.  But she wasn't worried that she would cross the boundary from colleagues to lovers.  She knew that in 15 years of marriage, neither she nor John had ever been unfaithful and she had no intention of getting involved with Bill.  

Then one night over dinner and drinks Bill confided in Amy that his relationship with his girlfriend was on the rocks and he felt lonely.  He told Amy that his girlfriend, who lived with him, never wanted to move to New York City when he was offered the consulting position with the museum, and he thought they were headed for a breakup.  

Amy listened compassionately.  Then she confided in Bill that she was also concerned about her marriage to John, and Bill reached over and held her hand.  At that point, Amy realized that they were crossing over into potentially risky territory, and she tactfully removed her hand from his.

The next day when Amy was in her therapy session, she told her psychotherapist that she was worried about the mutual attraction with Bill.  After Amy described the situation to her therapist, her therapist told Amy that it appeared she and Bill were on the verge of having an emotional affair (see my article:  Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).  

Amy's therapist recommended that Amy set better professional boundaries with Bill.  She also recommended that Amy and John attend couples therapy to deal with their nonexistent sex life.

Two weeks later, Amy and John began Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.  After a while, they began to have a better understanding of their relationship dynamics.  Their couples therapist did an assessment of each of their sexual histories as well as their sexual history as a couple.  

When asked, John explained that he still found Amy attractive, but he just couldn't muster the energy to have sex. He said that when Amy told him that she wanted to attend couples therapy, it was a wake up call for him and he didn't want his marriage to fall apart.

Listening to John talk about his work stress and anxiety, Amy felt a new sense of empathy and compassion for him.  Her attitude towards him softened and she reached out to touch his arm to comfort him.

During their sessions, John acknowledged that his libido was low due to his low level of testosterone, and, whereas he had been unwilling to take medication before, he now agreed to take medication.

John also made an important decision that, although he liked the fact that he was earning a lot more money on his new job, he didn't feel the extra money was worth the negative impact it was having on his marriage.  So, he approached his former boss, who had told John that he could return to the company if things didn't work out at his new job, and told his boss that he wanted to return.

In addition to taking the medication to increase his libido and returning to his old job, which was much less stressful, John began to initiate sex more with Amy.  Although she was still the one who got turned on more easily, she was patient with John and allowed him to take the lead more often in their lovemaking.  

A few months later, their couples therapist suggested that they had made progress in therapy and they no longer needed to attend sessions, and John and Amy agreed.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for there to be differences in sexual arousal, desire and willingness to have sex between two people in a relationship.

Whereas the sexual pursuer is usually the one who is more easily aroused sexually and tends to be the one who initiates sex, the sexual withdrawer often takes longer, for a variety of reasons, to get sexually aroused and initiates less often.

The sexual pursuer is usually the one who wants to work on their sex life (and, often, the relationship, in general).  Unlike the vignette above, sometimes, if the sexual pursuer pushes the withdrawer too hard, the withdrawer will retreat even more and then they get stuck in a negative cycle where each person's actions exacerbates the other person's emotions and behavior.

If both people are willing to work out these issues in couples therapy, they can learn about their relationship dynamics and make changes to improve their sex life.

Getting Help in Therapy 

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship and you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could both benefit from seeking help in therapy.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (also known as EFT) is a well-researched and evidence-based therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences in Their Relationship to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 1

I've been focusing on sex in relationships in my recent articles (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences

In this article, my focus is on relationships where one partner is more interested in sex (the pursuer) and one partner is less interested (the withdrawer) and how they can work out their differences so they can have a happier sex life.  

It's not unusual in a relationship for there to be one person who is more interested in sex than the other (see my article:  Overcoming Sexual Incompatibility).  

Alternatively, even when there's a couple where both people are equally matched in terms of desire, there might be times in the relationship when one person feels less sexual.  So, this is something that needs to get worked out.

In prior articles, I've discussed the concept of pursuers and withdrawers in terms of emotional intimacy in relationships as opposed to sexual relations (see my article: How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) Can Help Emotional Pursuers  and How Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) Can Help Withdrawers (also known as Distancers).

It's important to keep in mind that emotional pursuers and withdrawers in the same relationship can be different from sexual pursuers and withdrawers.  Someone who is an emotional pursuer isn't necessarily a sexual pursuer.  The same person who is an emotional pursuers might be a sexual withdrawer in the same relationship.  Likewise for emotional withdrawers--an emotional withdrawer in a relationship might be a sexual pursuer in the same relationship.

In addition, most people tend to think of sexual pursuers as being men and sexual withdrawers as being women.  But this isn't necessarily the case--a woman can be a sexual pursuer and a man can be a sexual withdrawer.

What Can A Sexual Pursuer Do to Improve Their Sexual Relationship With a Sexual Withdrawer?

Pursuers, whether they're emotional or sexual pursuers, usually have good intentions.  They often seek sex with their partner because they want to connect with their partner.

But when their partner, who is a sexual withdrawer, says they're not interested in sex, pursuers often feel rejected by their partner.  Then, add to this that the pursuer might attach a particular meaning to the rejection (i.e., they're not attractive or they're just too sexually demanding) that the other partner often doesn't mean.

If the pursuer is pushing for sex with their partner and the pursuer's need is for sexual satisfaction, the pursuer first needs to recognize that the withdrawer's rejection is probably not about lack of attraction.  It just might be that their partner isn't in the mood, and it probably doesn't have much to do with the pursuer.  However, it might trigger old feelings for the pursuer that they're "not good enough" or "not lovable."  So, the pursuer needs to step back and get curious about why their partner isn't engaging when the pursuer wants sex.  

So, rather than having tunnel vision and being emotionally reactive, the pursuer can be calm, take things less personally, and try to understand what's going on for the partner.  Also, sometimes pursuers pile on their partner by being critical or judgmental, but that's counterproductive to the relationship.

If it's a matter of wanting to connect with a partner, the sexual pursuer can find other ways to connect.  This might mean cuddling with the partner or finding other ways to connect emotionally.

If it's a matter of experiencing sexual satisfaction, the sexual pursuer can engage in self pleasure/masturbation with their partner holding them.  So, the pursuer experiences sexual satisfaction and also connects with their partner without being emotionally reactive to their partner.

What Can a Sexual Withdrawer Do to Improve Their Sexual Relationship With a Sexual Pursuer?

Sexual withdrawers usually don't want sex as often as their partner, but there are things they can do to improve things sexually in their relationship.

As I mentioned above, rather than being emotionally reactive or shutting down emotionally, calming down, being present, and getting curious about the other partner's experience is a much better approach.  

Many people, who are less sexually responsive than their partner, can get in the mood for sex if they're open to it.  Often when people start out not being in the mood, they can become sexually aroused and engaged once they start being sexual--whether they begin by kissing their partner, thinking about other times when they were sexually aroused, fantasizing, and so on.  

Rather than being judgmental towards a pursuer, the withdrawer can recognize that their partner isn't wrong for wanting more sex.  

If a withdrawer is too exhausted or not feeling well enough to have sex, they can be supportive of their partner's need for sex.  So, for instance, they can hold their partner and be present for them while their partner engages in self pleasure/masturbation.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate the points I discussed in this article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner have tried without success to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist.  

Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner can work with a skilled psychotherapist who understands the dynamics of pursuers and withdrawers in a relationship and can help you to work out your problems so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

I discussed "pursuers" in my last article and how Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) helps them to go beyond their secondary emotions (anger, frustration, blaming,  criticizing) so they can communicate from their innermost, primary emotions to improve their relationship.  In this article I'm focusing on the other side of the relationship, "distancers" (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Becoming Aware of Your Primary Emotions to Communicate Your Emotional Needs to Your Spouse or Partner).

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Distancers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

The Difference Between Pursuers and Distancers
Pursuers usually want very much to connect with their spouses or partners.  As mentioned in my last article, the problem is that pursuers often achieve the opposite of what they desire because of their emotional reactivity stemming, which often makes distancers uncomfortable enough to withdraw emotionally, cognitively and sometimes physically.

Like pursuers, distancers also tend to come from a place of good intentions in their relationship.  They often distance themselves as a way preserve the relationship by withdrawing in an effort to reduce emotional reactivity. However, like pursuers, this strategy also often achieves the opposite of what they desire because the pursuer will become even more emotionally reactive when sensing withdrawal from the partner/distancer.

The problem is that when distancers withdraw, pursuers become even increasingly fearful of losing their emotional connection to their partner, so they pursue more intensely--sometimes desperately--in order reduce feelings of abandonment.  This, in turn, usually leads distancers to take even more distance until they are both in a negative cycle of pursuing and distancing that usually goes unresolved unless they get help in couple therapy.

Just to reiterate:  It's important to understand that, for the most part, both pursuers and distancers, in their own way, are trying to preserve their relationship.  They're not trying to create problems.  But, unfortunately, they're using longstanding maladaptive coping strategies, which might be the only strategies they know.

Signs of a Distancers' Withdrawal
People who tend to be distancers often display the following emotional and cognitive withdrawal tendencies:

• A reliance on mostly logic.  As a result, they often miss emotional cues from their partner
• A reliance on strict objectivity rather than emotion
• A focus on "the facts"
• A distrust or discomfort with emotions

Not all distancers display all of the tendencies above, but these tend to be the main signs.

The point is that distancers tend to move away from emotional reactivity, and emotional reactivity is usually the hallmark of pursuers.

There are often negative consequences for emotional distancing.  Not only does it exacerbate the problem in the relationship, but it also can have personal adverse consequences for the distancer both physically and psychologically (see my article: How Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

Looks are deceiving:  From an outside perspective, it can appear that there's not a lot going on for distancers, which can infuriate pursuers who want to elicit a reaction.  From the outside, it might look like they're relatively calm and quiet or that they're disinterested. But inside there are all kinds of physical and emotional reactions roiling, especially as it takes more and more energy to suppress emotions and remain withdrawn.

Behind what appears to be a calm or disinterested exterior, distancers often fear they are a failure in their relationship.  If they could somehow remain present enough to communicate what's going on for them on a primary emotional level, they might tell their spouse or partner that they want to get closer to them, but they fear the pursuer's emotional reactivity as well as the possible loss of the relationship.

Some distancers go as far as denying to themselves and others that they have negative emotional reactions (e.g., "I never get angry").

Just like pursuers, distancers' coping strategies often begin early in life.   Many of them were raised in a home environment where their primary emotions might have been dismissed or disregarded ("Don't be so sensitive" or "You're making too big a deal out this" or "You better toughen up" or "Be a man").

This disregard for their emotional experience early in life leads them to suppress their innermost experience (primary emotions) and focus on more superficial emotions (secondary emotions) which don't leave them feeling so vulnerable.

As a brief reminder from prior articles:  Primary emotions are the immediate, visceral, innermost emotions, that are experienced first before people.  They're experienced before secondary emotions, which are used unconsciously to mask the primary emotions.  Primary emotions come at least two and a half times faster than thoughts so they happen very fast.

Secondary emotions, which are defensive strategies, don't come as fast as primary emotions, but they come fast enough that people who use them are unaware they're using them defensively.  They're just trying to protect themselves from being emotionally vulnerable.  It's important for each partner to remember this so s/he can understand and feel compassion (see the following article for a more detailed discussion of the difference between primary and secondary emotions: EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship).

When two people in a relationship have had this kind of negative dynamic going on for a while, they each come to anticipate the other's reaction before it even occurs.  As a result, each of them can become entrenched in his or her own maladaptive coping strategy before an argument even begins (similar to the couple in the fictional vignette from my prior article).

Let's continue with the same fictional clinical vignette from my last article to see things from the distancer's perspective:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps a Distancer to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve the Relationship:

Ann and Ed
After their EFT couple therapist helped Ann and Ed to reduce the emotional reactivity in their interactions as part of Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, especially with regard to Ann's anger, frustration, blaming and criticism, Ann and Ed felt safer to open up a little more with each other.

Ann was able to convey to Ed that, even though she came across as angry and critical, all she really wanted was to get closer to Ed.  She explained how desperate she felt when she saw Ed withdrawing from her emotionally and physically.  She felt abandoned by him.

With the help of the EFT couple therapist, Ann was also able to make a connection between how she felt in her relationship with Ed and how she felt as a child when she was emotionally abandoned by her parents.

This helped both Ann and Ed to understand why Ann became so frantic when she felt Ed moving away from her.  Not only was she dealing with the current situation between them--she was also getting emotionally triggered by her childhood history.  As a result, when Ed heard this, he felt more compassionate for Ann, and Ann felt more self compassion.

As Ed began to grapple with his tendency to be a distancer, he also remembered his childhood history.  He said that his parents were, generally, loving and caring parents.  But both parents, who were well meaning, had a discomfort with strong negative emotions so that whenever Ed, as a young child, cried or expressed sadness or other strong negative emotions, they would either dismiss his emotions, try to talk him out of these emotions or cheer him up rather than remaining emotionally attuned to him.

He had many childhood memories where one or both parents were dismissive of his emotions.  On one occasion, when his pet hamster died when Ed was five, his mother tried to cheer him up rather than soothe him over the loss, "Looking back on it now, I know my mother loved me, but she was so uncomfortable with negative emotions that she just couldn't tolerate seeing me sad, so she tried to cheer me up rather than just be with me in my sadness.  The message I got was that it wasn't okay to be sad."  He also remembered his father, who was a kind man in other respects, telling him to "Be a man and stop crying" even though Ed was a young child.

The EFT couple therapist told Ed that this was a common experience that many men (and women too) experienced in their families with parents who would, otherwise, be considered "good parents."  She explained that his parents probably had similar experiences in their families when they were children, so they never learned how to tolerate negative emotions--their own or other people's.

Ed began to understand the origin of his distancing strategies.  He realized that, by the time he became an adult, these strategies were already entrenched because the message he got as a young child was that his negative emotions were "bad."  As a result, he learned to stuff his emotions to protect himself and his loved ones.

As Ann listened to Ed talk about his childhood experiences, she felt a surge of empathy for Ed, "I had no idea that this went back to childhood.  Now I understand what happens to you, Ed, when we argue."  Then, Ann reached out and took Ed's hand.

"When we argue," Ed told Ann, "especially when I feel like I've screwed up, like when I forgot to make the appointment with the pediatrician for our son, I worry that I'm a poor husband and father and you might be getting so fed up with me that you're going to leave me."

Ann reassured Ed that, even though she got very angry with him at times, she never considered ending their marriage.  She was surprised that Ed felt so badly and that he thought she was contemplating ending their marriage.  She also assured him that she felt he was a great husband and father.

Over time, as Ed and Ann continued to attend EFT couple therapy, they worked on becoming aware of their primary emotions and communicating to each other from their more vulnerable emotions.  Their progress was often two steps forward and one step back, but they knew they were making progress (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Instead of coming at Ed in an angry, critical manner, which were her secondary emotions, Alice learned to communicate from her primary emotions, like sadness.  And as difficult as it was for him, Ed tried to remain emotionally and cognitive present with Ann rather than withdrawing from her.

They still had arguments, just like any other couple, but they weren't as volatile as their prior arguments.  They also recovered much more quickly because they were able to recover by accessing and communicating from their primary emotions rather than their reactive secondary emotions, and they reached towards each other during difficult times rather than remaining entrenched in their former negative dynamic.

Conclusion
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.  EFT is one of the most well researched and most effective forms of couple therapy.

A major component of EFT is helping couples to overcome their negative dynamics by assisting them to interact from primary emotions rather than their defensive secondary emotions.

Another important component is assisting couples to understand their attachment styles (see my article: How Understanding Your Primary Emotions and Attachment Style Could Save Your Relationship).

There is also an emphasis in EFT that there are "no bad guys" in the relationship--there is only a negative dynamic that needs to change to improve the relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Couples, who really love each other, often get stuck in a negative dynamic and don't know how to get out of it.

Taking that first step of asking for help in couple therapy can be the most important step you take to salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.