What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?

In my prior article, Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues With the Cat-and-Mouse Game?, I discussed the relationship dynamics of emotional pursuers and withdrawers and the underlying issues involved, including the pursuer's fear of abandonment and the withdrawer's fear of engulfment.

In the current article I'm focusing on what fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment look like in the same relationship.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are loved and cherished will leave. Although anyone can develop a fear of abandonment at any time, most of the time it's rooted in childhood trauma.  For instance, it could mean the loss of a parent who moved out or who died.  

This fear makes it difficult to have adult romantic relationships because this person feels vulnerable to being left in the same way s/he was left as a child (see my article: Fear of Abandonment).

What is Fear of Engulfment?

Fear of engulfment in a relationship is a fear of being trapped and smothered as well as a fear of losing independence.  

People who fear being engulfed show their fear by behaving emotionally indifferent, withdrawn, or distant.  They might cheat on their partner as a way of distancing themselves and creating emotional distance in the relationship. They might also find other ways to punish the partner who is an emotional pursuer.

This fear develops during childhood within an enmeshed family where family members were intrusive with each other and did not respect each other's personal boundaries (see my article: Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

Clinical Vignette

People who fear being abandoned often choose people who fear engulfment and vice versa.  These are not conscious choices.  These choices occur unconsciously.  

The clinical vignette below illustrates how this dynamic between the emotional pursuer (the person who fears being abandoned) and the emotional withdrawer (the person who fears being engulfed) plays out and how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help (see my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples?).

This is just one way that fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment manifest in a relationship.  There are many other ways it can show up in a relationship.  However, the scenario presented below is a common example of this dynamic.

This vignette is made up of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Meg and Todd

Meg and Todd, who were both in their mid-30s, met and they felt immediate chemistry for each other. They began dating soon after they met.

During the first few months, they spent a lot of time together, which was fun, and sex was passionate, which they both enjoyed.  

As the relationship got serious, problems arose.  Meg realized how much she cared for Todd and she worried he might end the relationship and she would be devastated.  She was familiar with her fear of abandonment from psychotherapy sessions she attended in the past.  

Meg knew from her prior therapy that her fear of abandonment was related to a real abandonment that occurred when she was five when her father walked out of the house and he was never to be seen again.  

Although she knew about the origin of her fear, she didn't know how to stop it from happening whenever she developed deeper feelings for someone.  So, her insight about her fear didn't help her when she felt worried.

During this same time, as Todd developed stronger feelings for Meg, an old fear of his surface--his fear of being engulfed in the relationship.  

Initially, he liked spending a lot of time with Meg, but now that their relationship was much more serious, he felt trapped.  Todd wanted to spend less time with her and have more time to himself.  

He felt annoyed whenever Meg told him about plans she wanted to make with him.  Outwardly, he went along with it, but inwardly he felt like screaming that he cared about her, but he needed his independence.  

He also sensed how fearful she was that their relationship wouldn't work out and he would leave, which he secretly thought about whenever he felt especially trapped.

Things came to a head six months into the relationship when Meg told Todd she wanted to talk about the relationship.  From her earnest look, Todd knew Meg was going to ask him where he thought the relationship was going and if he was thinking of a future with her.  He was also aware that Meg wanted to get pregnant in the next year or two and this added to the pressure (see my article: Is It Time For "The Talk"?).

When they sat down to talk, they were both silent at first.  Meg seemed to be waiting for Todd to speak and Todd was silent and dreading this conversation.  Finally, Todd broke the silence by telling Meg that he cared for her a lot, but he had mixed feelings about whether they had a future together.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

This was exactly what Meg feared and she broke down crying uncontrollably.  Her fear of abandonment was being triggered. 

Seeing her reaction, Todd wasn't sure what to do.  On the one hand, he felt he should comfort her.  But, on the other hand, he felt like running away because he felt overwhelmed by her reaction.  Todd's fear of being engulfed was being triggered.

So, they were both triggered.  Meg sat crying on the couch and Todd suppressed his urge to run out of the room.  It was almost as if he was paralyzed.

At Meg's insistence, they started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist (see my article: How EFT For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Todd just went along with it at first to please Meg.  But as time went on, he became curious and more engaged in couples therapy.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Meg and Todd to look at their negative cycle together.  Rather than blame each other, she helped them to get curious about their dynamic.  

As they continued to attend couples therapy, Meg learned that she was an emotional pursuer and Todd learned he was an emotional withdrawer and their dynamics were rooted in their childhood experiences (see my article: Emotional Pursuers).

Todd learned that he developed his fear of engulfment due to the dynamics in his enmeshed family.  Both of his parents were strict disciplinarians.  They were highly critical and imposed their will on him until he got fed up and moved out after he graduated college.  Even after he was on his own, his parents refused to respect Todd's personal boundaries.  

Even now that he was in his mid-30s, they expressed their strong negative opinions about almost everything he did.  So, he had a lot of pent up resentment towards them and these experiences created a fear of being trapped and overwhelmed.

Gradually, Tom came to see how his emotional withdrawal with Meg was related to his unresolved childhood experiences (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Unlike her prior therapy, which was cognitive behavioral (CBT), Meg experienced EFT, which is a type of experiential therapy, in an embodied way.  Instead of having just intellectual understanding about her fear of abandonment, she felt the insight emotionally as well as viscerally.

Their therapist explained to them how people often make unconscious choices when they choose someone to be in a relationship.  She explained that these choices often bring up what they fear the most.  

In other words, an emotional pursuer often unconsciously chooses an emotional withdrawer and vice versa for an emotional withdrawer.

As Meg and Todd learned to turn towards each other to work together to change their negative dynamic, they grew closer together.  

EFT Helps Couples to Develop a Healthier Relationship

By the time they completed EFT couples therapy, Meg and Todd changed their negative cycle into a healthier dynamic.  

There were still times when Meg still feared being abandoned and Todd still feared being engulfed, but they were able to talk about it and get out of that negative cycle based on what they learned in EFT (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Both Stuck).

Eventually, Todd and Meg each got into their own individual therapy to work on their own. unresolved childhood trauma that created their fears.  Working through the trauma enabled them to free themselves of the fears that manifested in their relationship.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for a person with a fear of abandonment and a person with fear of engulfment to unconsciously choose each other for a relationship.

A couple with this dynamic can get stuck in a negative cycle indefinitely because they don't understand the dynamic they are in and they don't know how to stop it.  T

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which is an attachment-based therapy, helps couples to understand their dynamic and then work together to change it so they can have a healthier relationship together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally

In my prior articles, I discussed the emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in relationships by focusing on the person who tends to withdraw emotionally.  The focus of this article will be on the person who tends to pursue emotionally (see my articles: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally in a Relationship

Understanding the Emotional Pursuer in a Relationship

The person who tends to pursue their partner is usually the one who wants to talk about the relationship more, process problems in the relationship, have a stronger connection and spend more time together, among other things. 

When discussing either the withdrawer or the pursuer, it's important to discuss the dynamics of the other partner because each partner is reacting to the other one.

As I discussed in the previous articles, while emotional withdrawers (also called distancers) often have an avoidant attachment style, emotional pursuers often have an anxious attachment style.  This usually leads to an ongoing pursuer-withdrawer cycle where the more the pursuer pursues, the more the withdrawer withdraws, and the more the withdrawer retreats, the more the pursuer pursues (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

The withdrawer withdraws because they're emotionally overwhelmed.  They might withdraw--either emotionally, physically or both.  Even if they remain in the same room with the pursuer, they might numb out so they're no longer listening to their partner.

At that point, many withdrawers, who are overwhelmed, just need time to regroup before they can have a dialogue with their partner.  Some people are sufficiently self aware to know what's going on with them, so they can tell their partner they need space.  Others aren't sure what they're feeling, so they don't say anything before they withdraw, which leaves their partner anxious and unhappy (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

To the pursuer, who is anxious to make things right in the relationship, the emotional distancing of the withdrawer feels like a rejection.  For many pursuers this feels intolerable, so they'll double down on their pursuing by being even more insistent.  This often means they demand the withdrawer to speak or, if the withdrawer has left the room, they follow the withdrawer and continue to insist on talking.

So, the couple gets stuck in this negative cycle that doesn't work, but each of them continues to engage in the same pattern of behavior because they don't know what else to do (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

You might wonder: Why does the pursuer continue to insist on talking when it only makes the withdrawer retreat even more?  

The answer isn't the same for everyone, but most of the time the problem is that the pursuer is usually the one who wants to get to the bottom of their problems.  Many withdrawers would rather not address the problems at all and, on some level, pursuers know this.

In fairness to pursuers, if they didn't insist, problems might not get resolved.  In addition, they often don't see that their partner is distancing due to emotional overwhelm--not because they're rejecting the pursuer or they don't care.

In fairness to the withdrawers, if they didn't distance themselves sometimes, arguments would get too heated and nothing of value would be accomplished.  Sometimes things actually get worse when both people are overwhelmed and they don't take a break.

So, neither pursuing nor distancing is a bad thing in and of itself.  It's a matter of how each person's dynamics are affecting the other person.  Both people might have good intentions, but they need to learn new skills for interacting with one another.

It's not unusual for the pursuer to see him or herself as a martyr in the relationship.  They see themselves as the one who is more committed to the relationship and, for all their sacrifices, they feel they get little or no appreciation from their partner.  They might also express feeling humiliated or ashamed of how they're being treated by their partner.

What pursuers often don't see is that this view of martyrdom often comes from a longstanding unconscious belief that they don't deserve to be treated well.  As a result, they unconsciously choose a partner who is emotionally avoidant (in other words, a withdrawer), which reinforces the pursuer's underlying belief that they're not worthy.  This unconscious belief often goes back to early childhood dynamics in the family of origin.

There is also a secondary gain to being perceived by friends and family members as the one who is working hard to make the relationship work and who, in return, gets no appreciation from their partner.  From the pursuer's point of view, friends and family members appreciate them (or, more often, pity them), so why can't their partner?

The other secondary gain is that, by virtue of the fact that pursuers are the ones who are the initiators in the emotional realm of the relationship, they also get to control the relationship on an emotional level.  When they want to be close, they pursue, and when they want space, they don't pursue.  But pursuers are often unaware of this.

From the withdrawer's perspective, the pursuer, whom they see as "needy," is "nagging" them.  Withdrawers tend to see the pursuer's wish for closeness as a weakness.  For withdrawers, the secondary gain is feeling superior to the pursuer because they don't see themselves as so needy.  But they often feel disconnected and lonely when they withdraw.

Unconsciously, withdrawers don't realize that their choice of a pursuer for a partner is often the result of their own problems communicating what they need from a partner.  So, they choose someone who will be the one who seeks greater emotional intimacy while they remain safely retreated.  This is usually the result of the withdrawer's low self esteem.

How Can a Couple Break Out of the Negative Cycle?

For Both Partners:

• Each partner needs to recognize they're stuck in a negative cycle and focus on changing the cycle rather than blaming or trying to change their partner.

• They both need to recognize that they're choosing to be with their partner--they're not being forced to stay in this relationship.  

• They need to recognize that they're probably at the same level with regard to maturity, emotional intelligence and intimacy, so there's no need to feel either superior or inferior to their partner.  

For the Pursuer:

• They need to own their part of the dynamic and stop blaming their partner for the problems in the relationship.

• They need to learn to stop pursuing their partner.  This often brings up fears that if they stop pursuing, the relationship will be over, but chasing after the partner doesn't work.  It actually makes matters worse. So, pursuers need to face the risk and give their partners a chance to come to them.

• Since pursuers are often too self sacrificing, they need to start focusing on themselves more.  Rather than trying to get all their emotional needs met in the relationship, they also need to find other ways to feel fulfilled so they don't put undue pressure on their partner.

• They need to recognize that, although they can tell their partners what they're emotional needs are, they can't change their partner or make them act a certain way.

• They also need to take responsibility for their own happiness.  Ultimately, if their partner can't give them what they want, they need to decide whether this is the right relationship for them.

For the Withdrawer:

• They need to take responsibility for their part of the dynamic in the relationship. Most withdrawers know, on some level, that when they withdraw, their partner will pursue, so they need to ask themselves what they get out of this--whether it's feeling superior to their partner or feeling their partner really needs them, and so on.

• The challenge for withdrawers is to eventually remain present without withdrawing emotionally or physically. Building the emotional capacity to do this is a process that will involve the cooperation and empathy of both partners.  

• Rather than criticizing their partner for "nagging," they need to develop a more empathetic stance to see their partner's concerns from the partner's perspective.

• They need to recognize that their partner is often the one who pushes for positive changes in the relationship.  They might not like how their partner actually goes about doing this, but a recognition of their partner's intention is important.

• They need to develop the capacity to put words to their feelings before they numb out or withdraw.

• Similar to pursuers, they need to see that they're choosing to remain in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing a negative cycle is very hard for a couple to do on their own.

A licensed psychotherapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help a couple to change the negative cycle so they can have a happier relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to overcome their negative cycle so they could have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1

In my prior articles about relationships, I've discussed couples who have a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic.  That dynamic involves one partner who tends to pursue sexually and the other partner who tends to withdraw sexually (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences). 

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, couples might switch roles so the pursuer becomes the withdrawer and the withdrawer becomes the pursuer, but the pattern often remains the the same--the pursuer remains the pursuer and the withdrawer remains the withdrawer.

In the same way that there's a sexual pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, there can also be an emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in a relationship, and the dynamic isn't necessarily the same in emotional situations as it is in sexual situations.

In other words, the sexual pursuer can also be an emotional withdrawer and the sexual withdrawer can be the emotional pursuer.  

In other relationships the pursuer pursues both sexually and emotionally and the withdrawer withdraws sexually and emotionally.  

How Common is the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic in Relationships?

Pursuer-withdrawer dynamics are found in the vast majority of relationships.  This dynamic is so pervasive that it's found in over 80% of relationships.  The pervasiveness of this pattern makes it important to understand, especially if it affects you and your partner.

In the current article, I'm focusing on emotional withdrawers (also known as emotional  distancers) because they're often misunderstood.

How Are Emotional Withdrawers Misunderstood By Their Partners?

People who withdraw emotionally aren't always withdrawn all the time.  They can be engaging, funny and affectionate at times, but when they're in a conflict or having an argument with their partner, they tend to withdraw.  

Their partner might see them as emotionally unreachable during those times because not only do they distance themselves emotionally--sometimes they withdraw physically by walking into another room and shutting the door or leaving the household to avoid dealing with a conflict or emotionally charged situation.

Emotional withdrawers are often perceived as being:

• Emotionally unavailable
• Aloof
• Uncommunicative
• Avoidant
• Unable to take in the emotions of their partner
• Lacking empathy for their partner
• Seeking isolation
• Seeking autonomy
• Less proactive in terms of resolving problems in the relationship
• Denying they need anything emotionally from others
• Workaholics (to avoid emotional intimacy)

If this is what the partner who is the emotional pursuer sees in the emotional withdrawer, is it any wonder that the pursuer becomes frustrated and unhappy with the withdrawer?  

In these situations, the emotional pursuer feels like s/he just can't get through to the withdrawer because the more the pursuer pursues the more the withdrawer withdraws.

But What is Really Going on Internally For Emotional Withdrawers?

Most of the time what the emotional pursuer perceives from the outside is only a part of the story as compared to what is going on for the emotional withdrawer on the inside.

In other words, although the emotional withdrawer appears on the outside as if s/he has no emotions or doesn't care, they often care very much.  

The key to understanding someone who withdraws emotionally is that they're uncomfortable with conflict and they automatically seek emotional safety by outwardly withdrawing. Often what the withdrawer experiences on the inside is fear and then emotional shutdown (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

The emotional withdrawer often doesn't know how to self soothe in an emotionally stressful situation with a partner, so they withdraw until they feel safe again.  This might mean that they cut themselves off from their emotions or, as previously mentioned, they withdraw physically into another room or out of the house (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Usually when a withdrawer hears complaints from their partner, they feel like they have failed in their relationship.  Even if their partner is trying to come across as empathetic and tactful in their approach, the withdrawer can still feel like a failure in the relationship and this is often emotionally intolerable for the withdrawer.

This dynamic of seeking emotional safety by withdrawing doesn't work in a pursuer-withdrawer relationship because the emotional pursuer, in frustration, will double down on their pursuing when their partner seems to be distancing (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

At that point, when the pursuer pursues, the withdrawer often withdraws even more, which exacerbates the situation. It sets up an ongoing negative cycle in the relationship where each person engages in their individual pattern and each person feels increasingly unhappy and frustrated with their partner.

How Did the Emotional Withdrawer Become This Way?

People who are emotional withdrawers often have an avoidant attachment style (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

As children, people who have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style usually had a primary caregiver who was emotionally unavailable. The primary caregiver was either unable or unwilling to meet the child's emotional needs, so the child was emotionally neglected.  In some cases, the caregiver might have also been emotionally or physically abusive, especially when the child sought affection or emotional support (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

This is pattern can be understood as involving intergenerational trauma: The primary caregiver didn't get their emotional needs met, so they don't know how to meet the emotional needs of their children.  Most of the time, they are emotional withdrawers themselves so that they become very uncomfortable when the child seeks affection or emotional support.

Children who grow up with a primary caretaker who is an emotional withdrawer learn early in life that they must fend for themselves emotionally.  

But the problem is that, developmentally, children can't fend for themselves in a healthy way, so the only way they can cope with this dynamic is to keep their emotions to themselves by shutting down emotionally.  They become emotionally avoidant or dismissive. Then, when they become adults, they continue to cope in the same way, which becomes problematic in a relationship (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

These same adults were often ridiculed by their primary caregivers for being emotionally vulnerable and wanting emotional nurturance: "Don't be a baby" or "Boys don't cry" or "You're being a sissy" or "Don't be weak."

Adults, who grew up being ridiculed as children for having normal emotional needs, are often afraid to be emotionally vulnerable because their needs were used against them by their caregivers. And these adults are sometimes right because in the heat of an argument even the most empathetic pursuer can say hurtful things (see my article: Are You Afraid to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in Your Relationship?).

Conclusion

Seeking emotional safety is the primary objective of the emotional withdrawer, but it often doesn't look that way to the emotionally pursuing partner.  To the pursuer it looks like the withdrawer is either rejecting them or doesn't care, but looks can be deceiving when it comes to the dynamics of an emotional withdrawer.

Although it can be challenging, understanding what's really going on for the emotional withdrawer is one of the keys to having a more empathetic and effective response. It also helps to know when to back off and when to engage (see my article: An Empathetic Response Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

These dynamics can change as each partner learns to be more emotionally vulnerable with the other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

My Next Article

Understanding emotional withdrawers is a large topic, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing lifelong behavioral patterns is difficult--whether you're an emotional pursuer or a withdrawer in a relationship.

Getting help in individual or couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional, who understands the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic and who can help you to make changes, can save your relationship (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples? and How EFT Can Help Withdrawers Cope With Their Emotions).

Instead of struggling with a negative cycle that isn't working in your relationship, seek help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many people to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out The Differences in Their Relationship to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this article about sexual pursuers and withdrawers, I described the dynamics in a relationship where one partner, the sexual pursuer, tends to want and pursue more sex than the sexual withdrawer.  I also provided steps that each person can take, as either the pursuer or the withdrawer, to improve their relationship.  In this article I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics that I discussed in the previous article.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out the Differences in Their Relationship

As I mentioned in Part 1, an emotional pursuer in a relationship can be a sexual withdrawer in the same relationship and an emotional withdrawer can be a sexual pursuer in the same relationship.  

Also, both men and women can be either sexual pursuers or sexual withdrawers. However, when it comes to emotional pursuers and withdrawers, most of the time women are the emotional pursuers and men are the emotional withdrawers.

Clinical Vignette: A Relationship With a Sexual Pursuer and a Sexual Withdrawer 

Amy and John, who were in their mid-40s, were married for 15 years and they had two teenage sons who lived with them.  For the last six months, Amy, who was the sexual pursuer in their relationship, was complaining to John, who tended to be sexual withdrawer, because he often wasn't in the mood for sex.  

Whenever Amy attempted to initiate sex with John, he told her that he was too tired and stressed out from his new job at a corporate law firm.  He worked very long hours, and he was also expected to work most  nights and weekends, which left very little time for the couple. 

Amy loved her job as a director at a major New York City museum.  Whereas John often came home feeling exhausted and depleted, Amy usually came home feeling invigorated by her work.  She would come home feeling inspired and she wanted to talk about her day, but ever since John started his new job, he came home anxious and irritable, and he still had several more hours of work to do after he got home.  

Amy felt lonely and sad because John was so immersed in and exhausted from his work.  Before John started at his new job, they usually spent time in bed on Sunday mornings while their sons were at soccer practice.  This used to be their private time when they cuddled and made love.  

However, since he began his new job, John preferred to sleep late on Sundays.  Even at the beginning of their relationship, he tended to take longer to get sexually aroused as compared to Amy, who, as previously mentioned, was usually the one to initiate sex.  

A year into their marriage, Amy suggested that John have his testosterone level checked and, sure enough, his testosterone level was low, which helped explain why he often wasn't as sexually aroused as Amy and he usually didn't initiate sex.  Even though it took him longer than Amy to get sexually aroused, he was usually responsive to Amy's sexual initiation, and they both eventually accepted that she was the sexual pursuer in their relationship.  

But since his workload and stress increased, John had almost no interest in sex, and the things that Amy used to do that got John turned on no longer worked.  Moreover, whenever Amy tried to talk to John about it, he got angry and told Amy that she wasn't being understanding.

During this same time period, Amy hired a new consultant, Bill, for a six month project.at her museum.  Amy and Bill began to work closely together on a museum project, and they were spending a lot of time together, including afterwork dinners.  

Since John hardly ever wanted to hear about what was going on at her museum, Amy was happy to finally have someone to talk to about her projects.  She also liked that they had so much in common and he shared her enthusiasm for the work. 

Bill was very handsome and charming, and Amy realized she was attracted to him immediately, and she realized that he was attracted to her too.  But she wasn't worried that she would cross the boundary from colleagues to lovers.  She knew that in 15 years of marriage, neither she nor John had ever been unfaithful and she had no intention of getting involved with Bill.  

Then one night over dinner and drinks Bill confided in Amy that his relationship with his girlfriend was on the rocks and he felt lonely.  He told Amy that his girlfriend, who lived with him, never wanted to move to New York City when he was offered the consulting position with the museum, and he thought they were headed for a breakup.  

Amy listened compassionately.  Then she confided in Bill that she was also concerned about her marriage to John, and Bill reached over and held her hand.  At that point, Amy realized that they were crossing over into potentially risky territory, and she tactfully removed her hand from his.

The next day when Amy was in her therapy session, she told her psychotherapist that she was worried about the mutual attraction with Bill.  After Amy described the situation to her therapist, her therapist told Amy that it appeared she and Bill were on the verge of having an emotional affair (see my article:  Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).  

Amy's therapist recommended that Amy set better professional boundaries with Bill.  She also recommended that Amy and John attend couples therapy to deal with their nonexistent sex life.

Two weeks later, Amy and John began Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.  After a while, they began to have a better understanding of their relationship dynamics.  Their couples therapist did an assessment of each of their sexual histories as well as their sexual history as a couple.  

When asked, John explained that he still found Amy attractive, but he just couldn't muster the energy to have sex. He said that when Amy told him that she wanted to attend couples therapy, it was a wake up call for him and he didn't want his marriage to fall apart.

Listening to John talk about his work stress and anxiety, Amy felt a new sense of empathy and compassion for him.  Her attitude towards him softened and she reached out to touch his arm to comfort him.

During their sessions, John acknowledged that his libido was low due to his low level of testosterone, and, whereas he had been unwilling to take medication before, he now agreed to take medication.

John also made an important decision that, although he liked the fact that he was earning a lot more money on his new job, he didn't feel the extra money was worth the negative impact it was having on his marriage.  So, he approached his former boss, who had told John that he could return to the company if things didn't work out at his new job, and told his boss that he wanted to return.

In addition to taking the medication to increase his libido and returning to his old job, which was much less stressful, John began to initiate sex more with Amy.  Although she was still the one who got turned on more easily, she was patient with John and allowed him to take the lead more often in their lovemaking.  

A few months later, their couples therapist suggested that they had made progress in therapy and they no longer needed to attend sessions, and John and Amy agreed.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for there to be differences in sexual arousal, desire and willingness to have sex between two people in a relationship.

Whereas the sexual pursuer is usually the one who is more easily aroused sexually and tends to be the one who initiates sex, the sexual withdrawer often takes longer, for a variety of reasons, to get sexually aroused and initiates less often.

The sexual pursuer is usually the one who wants to work on their sex life (and, often, the relationship, in general).  Unlike the vignette above, sometimes, if the sexual pursuer pushes the withdrawer too hard, the withdrawer will retreat even more and then they get stuck in a negative cycle where each person's actions exacerbates the other person's emotions and behavior.

If both people are willing to work out these issues in couples therapy, they can learn about their relationship dynamics and make changes to improve their sex life.

Getting Help in Therapy 

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship and you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could both benefit from seeking help in therapy.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (also known as EFT) is a well-researched and evidence-based therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences in Their Relationship to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 1

I've been focusing on sex in relationships in my recent articles (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences

In this article, my focus is on relationships where one partner is more interested in sex (the pursuer) and one partner is less interested (the withdrawer) and how they can work out their differences so they can have a happier sex life.  

It's not unusual in a relationship for there to be one person who is more interested in sex than the other (see my article:  Overcoming Sexual Incompatibility).  

Alternatively, even when there's a couple where both people are equally matched in terms of desire, there might be times in the relationship when one person feels less sexual.  So, this is something that needs to get worked out.

In prior articles, I've discussed the concept of pursuers and withdrawers in terms of emotional intimacy in relationships as opposed to sexual relations (see my article: How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) Can Help Emotional Pursuers  and How Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) Can Help Withdrawers (also known as Distancers).

It's important to keep in mind that emotional pursuers and withdrawers in the same relationship can be different from sexual pursuers and withdrawers.  Someone who is an emotional pursuer isn't necessarily a sexual pursuer.  The same person who is an emotional pursuers might be a sexual withdrawer in the same relationship.  Likewise for emotional withdrawers--an emotional withdrawer in a relationship might be a sexual pursuer in the same relationship.

In addition, most people tend to think of sexual pursuers as being men and sexual withdrawers as being women.  But this isn't necessarily the case--a woman can be a sexual pursuer and a man can be a sexual withdrawer.

What Can A Sexual Pursuer Do to Improve Their Sexual Relationship With a Sexual Withdrawer?

Pursuers, whether they're emotional or sexual pursuers, usually have good intentions.  They often seek sex with their partner because they want to connect with their partner.

But when their partner, who is a sexual withdrawer, says they're not interested in sex, pursuers often feel rejected by their partner.  Then, add to this that the pursuer might attach a particular meaning to the rejection (i.e., they're not attractive or they're just too sexually demanding) that the other partner often doesn't mean.

If the pursuer is pushing for sex with their partner and the pursuer's need is for sexual satisfaction, the pursuer first needs to recognize that the withdrawer's rejection is probably not about lack of attraction.  It just might be that their partner isn't in the mood, and it probably doesn't have much to do with the pursuer.  However, it might trigger old feelings for the pursuer that they're "not good enough" or "not lovable."  So, the pursuer needs to step back and get curious about why their partner isn't engaging when the pursuer wants sex.  

So, rather than having tunnel vision and being emotionally reactive, the pursuer can be calm, take things less personally, and try to understand what's going on for the partner.  Also, sometimes pursuers pile on their partner by being critical or judgmental, but that's counterproductive to the relationship.

If it's a matter of wanting to connect with a partner, the sexual pursuer can find other ways to connect.  This might mean cuddling with the partner or finding other ways to connect emotionally.

If it's a matter of experiencing sexual satisfaction, the sexual pursuer can engage in self pleasure/masturbation with their partner holding them.  So, the pursuer experiences sexual satisfaction and also connects with their partner without being emotionally reactive to their partner.

What Can a Sexual Withdrawer Do to Improve Their Sexual Relationship With a Sexual Pursuer?

Sexual withdrawers usually don't want sex as often as their partner, but there are things they can do to improve things sexually in their relationship.

As I mentioned above, rather than being emotionally reactive or shutting down emotionally, calming down, being present, and getting curious about the other partner's experience is a much better approach.  

Many people, who are less sexually responsive than their partner, can get in the mood for sex if they're open to it.  Often when people start out not being in the mood, they can become sexually aroused and engaged once they start being sexual--whether they begin by kissing their partner, thinking about other times when they were sexually aroused, fantasizing, and so on.  

Rather than being judgmental towards a pursuer, the withdrawer can recognize that their partner isn't wrong for wanting more sex.  

If a withdrawer is too exhausted or not feeling well enough to have sex, they can be supportive of their partner's need for sex.  So, for instance, they can hold their partner and be present for them while their partner engages in self pleasure/masturbation.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate the points I discussed in this article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner have tried without success to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist.  

Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner can work with a skilled psychotherapist who understands the dynamics of pursuers and withdrawers in a relationship and can help you to work out your problems so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

In my recent articles, I've been focusing on why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples places so much importance on primary emotions and how communicating based on primary emotions can improve a relationship.

EFT Couple Therapy 

I'm focusing on pursuers in this article.  In my next article, I'll focus on "distancers."

What Are the Typical Dynamics For People Who Are Pursuers in Relationships?
With the understanding that each individual is unique, there are some typical dynamics that many people, who are pursuers, exhibit.

Just like individuals who are "distancers"in relationships, pursuers tend to communicate based on their secondary emotions rather than communicating from primary emotions (for more details on the difference between primary and secondary emotions, click on the following link for a prior article).

If they were to communicate from their primary emotions, they might tell their romantic partners things like, for example, they fear abandonment and emotional distance in the relationship.  For many people who are pursuers, emotional distance makes them feel very insecure and desperate to reconnect.

Unfortunately, when pursuers go through conflict with their romantic partners, they often come across as angry and frustrated, which are secondary emotions.

Their emotional reactivity often gets the best of them so that, rather than being able to access their primary emotions, they come across as argumentative, critical and overly demanding of their partner--all of which are secondary emotions.

If a pursuer is in a relationship with a distancer and s/he becomes angry and critical during a conflict, the distancer usually withdraws.  From there, the cycle goes round and round with misunderstandings on both sides.  Each person's reactivity/secondary emotions exacerbate the other's, and it can become an endless cycle that ruins a relationship.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, the EFT therapist helps the pursuer to de-escalate emotional reactivity so that the distancer will feel safe enough to re-engage emotionally.

Once the couple is sufficiently de-escalated, the EFT couple therapist can help each person to access their primary emotions.

She will also help each person to understand how his or her family history or prior relationships might be triggering the current dynamic in their relationship.  Then, she helps each person to separate out their prior experiences from their current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences of the Past and Working Through Psychological Trauma: Learning to Separate the Past From the Present).

This might start out with a basic understanding that everyone is affected by their history of family relationships and prior relationships--whether these relationships were primarily positive, negative or mixed.

Usually, couples unknowingly bring these former experiences into their current relationship. So, just knowing this information can help each person to understand what happens when they get into a conflict with their partner.  Gradually, with help from the couple therapist, each person can learn to deal with emotional triggers as they occur.

Over time, with help, a couple can develop an awareness of primary emotions and communicate to their partner from these more vulnerable emotions. This usually goes a long way to improve the dynamic in a relationship.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps a Pursuer to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve the Relationship
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how EFT couple therapy can help someone who tends to be a pursuer to be aware of primary emotions and communicate based on primary emotions to make changes in the relationship:

Ann and Ed
After five years of marriage, Ann and Ed were deeply unhappy in their relationship.  Although they were happy and in love when they were dating and in the early years of their marriage, they both felt that their happiness had been eroded by unresolved conflict and accumulated resentment.

By the time they had their second child, they were under tremendous emotional and financial stress, especially after Ann lost her job and they were trying to manage on Ed's salary.  That's when their arguments became the most contentious and damaging to their relationship.

At the recommendation of Ann's individual therapist, Ann spoke to Ed about attending couple therapy and, when he agreed, she set up an appointment with the EFT couple therapist that her therapist recommended to her.

Over the course of their early EFT therapy sessions, both Ann and Ed described their contentious relationship.  Although they had different perspectives about their problems, they both agreed that they were committed to salvaging their relationship.

From Ann's perspective, Ed tended to shutdown emotionally (also known as stonewalling) when they had a conflict.  She told the EFT therapist that she felt herself become very angry and frustrated that she couldn't get through to him, and this made her even more persistent about getting him to talk, which only made Ed withdraw more.

Ann described how Ed would ignore her whenever she tried to talk to him about what was bothering her, "I feel so alone in this relationship.  When I try to talk to Ed, it's like I'm talking to a wall!"

The EFT couple therapist noticed that Ed was looking away and shifting around in his seat as Ann spoke.  It was clear that he was so uncomfortable that, for all intents and purposes, he was emotionally disengaged and probably wanting to leave.

The therapist knew that if she was going to get Ed to re-engage emotionally, she would have to help Ann to de-escalate and move from her secondary emotions of anger and frustration to her primary emotions of hurt and fear of being abandoned.

As a start, the couple therapist provided psychoeducation to Ann and Ed about the difference between primary and secondary emotions and why EFT emphasizes primary emotions.

Then, she asked Ed to describe a typical argument that he and Ann had in the last several months.  Although he still appeared emotionally disengaged, Ed spoke about a recent argument they had about a big outstanding credit card bill.

According to Ed, he recently took over paying the bills because when Ann was in charge of paying the bills, she tended to procrastinate and they would incur finance charges, "When I saw that Ann hadn't paid the credit card bill and that there were overdue charges, I told her that we couldn't go on incurring these charges, especially because we're trying to live on one salary since Ann lost her job.  It seemed logical to me, since I'm better at paying the bills, that I take over this responsibility.  But when I told Ann that I should pay the bills from now on, she hit the roof and started yelling at me.  She thought I was being critical of her and accusing her of being irresponsible.  But I never said that.  I just don't want to pay finance charges.  Whenever she gets this angry and begins yelling at me, I just shutdown because I don't want to get into a big argument with her.  That's not going to fix anything."

The EFT therapist noticed that as Ann listened to Ed, she seemed to be fuming.  When it was her turn to talk, Ann responded, "It sure felt like he was criticizing me!  It was like he was saying that not only am I not contributing to the household since I lost my job, but I'm a miserable failure when it comes to paying our bills.  It made me angry and I wanted to talk to him about it, but he did what he always does--he walked away, which makes me even more angry.  Then, no matter how much I try to get through to him, he won't answer me.  He won't even look at me.  That only makes me even more angry and I try harder and harder to get him to talk, but he just withdraws from me even more.  I feel like I have no choice but to keep trying to get him to talk, but nothing I do works."

As they continued to attend EFT couple therapy, Ann and Ed developed an understanding that Ann was a pursuer and Ed was distancer in their relationship.

As Ann talked in couple therapy about her family history.  Over time, she became aware of how her arguments with Ed triggered her traumatic experiences in her family of origin.

She explained to the EFT couple therapist that she was an only child and she was primarily raised by her mother.  Her father was in and out (mostly out) of the household.  Ann said that when her father disappeared for months at a time, she would miss him so much that she would cry herself to sleep at night thinking about him.  Her mother tended to enter into emotionally abusive relationships with men during the long periods when Ann's father was away.  Her mother would provide for Ann's basic needs, but she was emotionally distant with Ann.  This resulted in Ann feeling lonely, insecure, and emotionally abandoned most of the time.

In terms of attachment styles, Ann developed an anxious/insecure attachment style that carried over into all her marriage to Ed (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

More than anything, when she and Ed got into an argument, Ann wanted reassurance that Ed still loved her and he wasn't going to leave her.  These were her primary emotions.

But instead of communicating her need for connection, Ann communicated based on her secondary emotions of anger and frustration, and Ed responded by withdrawing from her emotionally.  This, in turn, made Ann even more anxious and she tried even harder to get Ed to talk to her, which never worked.  This was their negative cycle.

As mentioned in my prior article, de-escalation is one of the primary goals during Stage One of EFT, so the EFT therapist worked with Ann to help her to de-escalate so she could be less reactive.

Ann began to sense her primary emotions of fear and sadness, which were underneath her emotional reactivity/secondary emotions, and she realized that they were connected to her family history.

Although it was difficult for her to be so emotionally vulnerable, Ann learned to communicate her innermost fear and sadness to Ed in their couple therapy. When this occurred for the first time, it was a major breakthrough for Ann and Ed.

After Ann allowed herself to be more vulnerable with Ed, he opened up and held her hand, "I didn't know that this is what goes on for you when we argue.  I just saw you getting angry, frustrated and critical.  Now I understand that deep down you're really scared and sad--just like you were when you were a child.  I'm sorry that I withdraw from you.  I'll try to remember that the younger part of you that is frightened and sad."

This was the first time that Ed moved closer to Ann emotionally and physically since they started couple therapy, and Ann said she felt loved and comforted by Ed's compassionate gesture.

Although they still had arguments, they were arguing less and their arguments were shorter. At that point in couple therapy, Ann continued to get triggered by her early childhood experiences, but they both had a better understanding of what was going on between them.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Pursuers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

As time went on, Ann recognized her emotional triggers and recovered quicker without criticizing and blaming Ed, and Ed was better at staying emotionally present when they had arguments.  They each knew that they still had work to do in couple therapy, but now that they were more aware of their innermost/primary emotions, their relationship had begun to improve.

More about Ed's progress in couple therapy in the next article when I discuss people in relationships who tend to be distancers.

Conclusion
In most cases, when pursuers reveal their family history, it makes sense why they react the way they do when there is conflict in their relationship.  Old feelings of sadness, fear and, possibly abandonment, get triggered in the current relationship, and they have no way of knowing that their history is getting triggered. They assume that what they're feeling is only related to their current relationship.

People who are distancers are also affected by their early relationships (more about this in my next article).

In some cases, it might not be the family of origin history that gets triggered.  Experiences from prior relationships, especially relationships where there was abusive, might also get triggered in current relationships--even current relationships where there is no abuse.  Any feelings of insecurity can trigger the old negative feelings.

Just being able to make sense of their emotional reactivity is often reassuring to people because they realize that there are coherent reasons for their reactivity and that their reactions aren't coming from "nowhere."

Being able to separate the past from the present is often a significant part of EFT couple therapy so that each person begins to understand and, eventually overcome, the emotional triggers that complicate their current relationship.

As I have mentioned in prior articles, being able to communicate from the experience of primary emotions, which are visceral, vulnerable emotions, is a challenge for most people.  This is a skill that an EFT couple therapist can help each individual to develop.

If, eventually, there is a sense of emotional safety between the individuals in the relationship and in the therapy sessions, people are more likely to take the emotional risk of accessing their primary emotions and communicating these emotions to their partner.  This is an important part of making positive changes in a relationship and a core part of EFT couple therapy.

In the fictional vignette above, the woman is the pursuer and the man is the distancer.  But this is just one example of this dynamic--men can be pursuers and women can be distancers.  

And, of course, in same sex relationships either person can be a pursuer or distancer.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

With regard to participating in therapy, fear and misconceptions often keep people out of therapy, especially couple therapy.

Couples are often afraid of what will be revealed about them in couple therapy and that couple therapy might make their situation worse.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, which is representative of what often happens in EFT couple therapy, there is much to be gained from EFT therapy.

Heterosexual men are often reluctant to come to couple therapy, especially if the therapist is a woman, because they fear that they will be blamed and "ganged up on" by their partner and by the woman therapist.  But a couple therapist trained in EFT focuses on the dynamic between both people in the relationship.

Rather than blaming an individual in the relationship, an EFT therapist emphasizes to the couple that "there are no bad guys" in the relationship.  Rather, it's the negative dynamic between them that needs to change.  She helps the couple to focus on changing the dynamic rather than criticizing or blaming each other.

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative dynamic that's ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourselves to get help in EFT couple therapy, one of the most well-researched and successful forms of couple therapy.

By changing the negative dynamic in your relationship, you can have a happier and healthier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who has been practicing psychotherapy with individuals and couples for over 20 years.  

I am also a hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my prior articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
• What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?
• What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?
• Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?
• EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Therapy: Being Aware of Primary Emotions to Communicate Your Emotional Needs in Your Relationship