Privacy versus Secrecy in a Relationship

Knowing the difference between privacy and secrecy is essential, especially if you're in a relationship.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Although sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself is important for having a strong emotional connection in your relationship, everyone is entitled to privacy, so knowing the difference between privacy and secrecy is important.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

Here are brief descriptions of privacy vs secrecy so you can compare the two lists to see the difference:

Privacy

Privacy in a relationship refers to having healthy personal boundaries including (but not limited to):

• Thoughts

• Fantasies, including sexual fantasies

• Dreams

• Opinions

• Having private time alone

• Experiences which are separate from your relationship--as long as it doesn't involve withholding information which would be harmful to your relationship (then, this would be secrecy and not privacy)

Secrecy

Secrecy in a relationship involves something unhealthy that you're intentionally hiding from your partner including (but not limited to):

• Cheating on your partner

• Financial infidelity: Hiding financial information or being dishonest about money that belongs to you and your partner

• Being dishonest or purposely misleading your partner/obfuscating

• Violating your partner's trust

• Other things that would be hurtful to your partner and disruptive to the relationship

Clinical Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites with all identifying information removed, illustrate how couples can get in trouble with regard to privacy vs secrecy:

• Julie and Tom - Issue: Privacy: Julie and Tom, who were both in their late 20s, had been in an exclusive relationship for six months. Both of them had only ever been in one prior committed relationship before their relationship together. Julie insisted she wanted to know if Tom had sexual fantasies about other women, but Tom felt Julie was crossing a personal boundary by asking him about his private thoughts. He assured her that he didn't want to be with anyone else and he would never cheat on her, but Julie continued to insist he tell her if he ever had sexual thoughts about other women. After numerous arguments, Tom broke up with Julie because he felt she was being too intrusive and controlling, and she wasn't respecting his personal boundaries.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

• Bill and Ellen - Issue: Secrecy: After five years of marriage, Ellen discovered that Bill had withdrawn over $5,000 from their joint bank account without telling her. When Bill was confronted by Ellen, he told her that he used the money to pay off credit card debt on a card that was under his name before they got married. He said he didn't think he needed to tell her because he planned to put the money back in the account when he got paid later that week. But Ellen felt betrayed by Bill's secrecy and she told him she would find it difficult to trust him after this. She insisted they go to couples therapy to work through this betrayal. Although he didn't see what he did as a betrayal nor did he see the necessity of going to couples therapy, he agreed because he didn't want to lose his marriage. While in couples therapy, Bill learned the difference between privacy and secrecy, and Ellen and Bill worked to repair their relationship.

• Maggie and Pete - Issue: Secrecy: When Pete's best friend told him that he had seen Pete's wife, Maggie, holding hands while coming out of a hotel with an unknown man, Pete was crushed. At first, Maggie denied the affair, but after Pete asked to see her phone, she refused to show it to him. But she eventually admitted the next day that she had been having an affair for the last six months. She also admitted to two other sexual affairs starting four months after they got married. She apologized profusely and told Pete she never meant to hurt him, but Pete wasn't ready to accept her apology.  He moved out of their New York City apartment for three weeks to think over what he wanted to do. Although he didn't know if he could ever trust Maggie again, he agreed to attend couples therapy to try to repair their relationship.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

• John and Bill - Issue: Privacy: Prior to moving in together, John and Bill had a long talk about their two year relationship. John told Bill that he needed some time to himself each day--even if it was just for an hour. Bill agreed, but after they moved in together, he got annoyed whenever John wanted to meditate in their bedroom for 30 minutes each morning. Even though they spent a lot of time together during the week and on the weekends, Bill felt ignored by John when John wanted this time to himself. When they were unable to work this out on their own, they attended couples therapy to learn to negotiate privacy versus secrecy. Bill discovered that since he was never allowed to have any privacy as a child, he didn't really understand privacy, but he was willing to work this out in therapy with John (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Spending Time Together).

In the next article, I'll discuss how to share a secret with your partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are having problems concerning issues related to privacy and secrecy, seek help in couples therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can work with an objective couples therapist who can help you to work through these issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) Therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Spouse's Porn Viewing

Many women complain that their husband's porn viewing makes them feel angry, anxious and insecure.  

They say that discovering their husband's porn use makes them feel self conscious about their own bodies, especially when they see images of beautiful naked women in the porn their husband is watching.

Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Porn

Some women also say they think mainstream porn is "disgusting" because it's degrading and exploitive of women and against their own moral values.

Now that the Internet provides access to pornography 24/7, more couples are getting into arguments about porn viewing. These arguments often devolve the point where some wives call their husbands "sex addicts" or "porn addicts" with ultimatums to go to therapy "or else."  

Most of the time arguments about porn viewing go nowhere because couples get locked in power struggles with nowhere to go. These power struggles leave wives feeling dejected and hurt and they leave husbands feeling defensive, guilty and ashamed. 

So, there's no real discussion about what would be most productive--the underlying issues involved, which could bring a couple together so they can understand each other.

(Note: I've written this article from a heteronormative perspective because this is what I usually see in my sex therapy and couples therapy private practice in New York City; however, these concepts can apply to any two people in a relationship regardless of gender or sexual orientation.)

Occasional Porn Viewing vs. Compulsive Porn Viewing

Although it can be upsetting to discover that your husband has been secretly watching porn or, even worse, that he has made promises to you that he'll stop watching porn but then you discover he's still doing it, porn doesn't have to be a threat to your relationship, especially if it's not interfering with your sex life or your husband's daily activities of living.

Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Porn

So, I'm not referring to men who watch porn compulsively where it's interfering with his daily activities. That's a different matter. I'm referring to the average man who watches porn occasionally on his own in the privacy of your home.

Here are some things you might not know:

• Just because your partner watches porn doesn't make him (or her) a "porn addict" or "sex addict." Unfortunately, these terms are thrown around too easily and they're hurtful and destructive. Not only are these terms of out of date and misleading, but they're not relevant if your spouse isn't watching porn compulsively to the point where it's interfering with your sex life or daily activities. So, rather than using these derogatory terms, try to get curious about why your spouse watches porn so you can listen to him with an open mind. (If you're curious about sexual compulsivity so you can understand the difference, see my article: Sexual Health: Treating Sexual Compulsivity in Sex Therapy: Sexual Addiction or Out of Control Sexual Behavior [OCSB?]).

• Although you might feel insecure about your body when you realize your husband is watching porn, you might not know that it's unlikely your husband is comparing your body to the women's bodies he's seeing in porn. Also, ask yourself if you were already feeling insecure about your body because this is a common experience for many women even without porn (see my articles: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life? and How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

• Porn is fantasy. It's not real. Your husband knows that. He knows he's watching actors acting out a script. He might be drawn to the female character in the video, but he's not falling for the actual person because he doesn't know her. He only sees the character she's portraying in the fantasy--not the woman who has her own problems in her relationship and her own personal stressors.  Furthermore, your husband probably knows that mainstream porn doesn't depict real life situations where one or both spouses might be tired or unwell. He probably doesn't expect sex between the two of you to resemble what he's seeing in porn because he knows it's make believe.

• Under most circumstances, average porn viewing doesn't take away from your sex life. Under the right circumstances, ethical porn, also known as feminist porn or fair trade porn, can enhance your sex life, if you're open to it (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

• Many men (and many women too) often use porn for quick stress relief. It can be a quick way of getting sexually aroused and masturbating to overcome stress or to help with sleep. 

• Most men experience masturbation with porn as being a very different experience from making love to their partner. Masturbating to porn is usually a quick release whereas making love to a spouse or partner involves an emotional and sexual connection.  These are two very different experiences.

• There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy regardless of their relationship status (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

How to Stop Arguing About Your Spouse's Porn Viewing

As long as you're arguing with your spouse based on a right-or-wrong perspective and giving him ultimatums, you're unlikely to resolve this issue.  In fact, arguing in this way usually makes the conflict worse.

Typically, when men are threatened with ultimatums about porn, they might try to stop watching just to appease their partner, but they often feel misunderstood and resentful.

Also, as mentioned above, some men try to appease their partners by telling them they'll stop, but they're not being honest. They're just trying to do a better job of hiding it. 

Obviously, lying only makes the issue worse because it fuels the other partner's doubt and mistrust and this leads to bigger problems. So, when I'm working with a couple who is  struggling with this problem, I strongly urge the husband not to lie about it.

Instead of arguing with your husband on moral grounds, speak to him about how you feel about yourself when you know he's watching porn.  This will involve owning your feelings and opening up to your spouse to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. 

Understandably, this might not be easy when you feel hurt and angry.  But speaking from an "I" perspective about your feelings about yourself is more likely to evoke your husband's empathy and understanding so he can listen and respond without being defensive. He can also express his own emotional vulnerability so you can empathize and understand his point of view.

In addition, when you speak about your feelings about yourself as it relates to his porn viewing, it provides an opening for the two of you to discuss the underlying issues involved instead of getting into a power struggle about porn.  This can provide a better chance of making progress than getting into a power struggle.

Compare the following statements

Compare Statements 1 and 2 to Responses 1 and 2:

Statement 1:

"Porn is disgusting! I can't believe you would rather look at those women in the video than look at me."

Response to Statement 1:

"Well, that's your opinion! Stop telling me what to do!"

Versus:

Statement 2:

"I feel insecure about my body when I know you're seeing those beautiful women in the video. When I feel insecure, I feel like you would rather look at them than me."

Response to Statement 2:

"I didn't know you felt that way. I love you and I love your body. I don't want you to feel insecure. Let's try to work this out."

Statement 1, which is hostile and judgmental, is usually a non-starter if you want to have a calm and productive discussion with your spouse. Rather than responding with empathy, your spouse is more likely to respond by matching your hostility and getting defensive.

Statement 2, which is emotionally vulnerable because it reveals an insecurity, provides an opening for your husband to empathize with your feelings so he'll be more likely to address the issue in an open way.

Statement 2 also allows for the possibility that the two of you could talk more openly about your sex life to try to improve your sex script if it has become repetitive and boring (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If you object to mainstream porn because you think it's immoral or degrading to women, you might want to consider ethical porn which is usually made by feminist women with women's pleasure in mind. If you enjoy it, you and your partner could watch it together, which you both might enjoy.

If you object to all pornography--both mainstream and ethical porn--then you and your spouse can talk about reaching a compromise about it--just as you would about any other issue that you both disagree about--without power struggles and volatility.

If you can't stop the arguments and power struggles, consider seeking help in sex therapy.  

A skilled sex therapist, who works with individual adults and couples, can help you to develop the necessary skills to talk about this and get to the underlying issues involved so these issues can get worked through.

Note: Most couples therapists aren't sex therapists so they don't have the training and skills to work with this issue.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your spouse get stuck in power struggles about porn, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling life together.

Book: You might also find it helpful to read His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic with Honest Talk About Sex by Marty Klein, Ph.D., Sex Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Pegging?

Pegging has become a much talked about topic in recent years, but not everyone understands what the term means, so pegging is the focus of this article.

What is Pegging?

Pegging usually refers to a woman wearing a strap on dildo and penetrating a man's anus.

Pegging: A Consensual Act Between a Man and a Woman

Some people believe that pegging violates traditional gender norms because the woman is penetrating the man instead of the man penetrating the woman. However, as long as pegging occurs between consenting adults, there's nothing wrong with it.  

Since pegging goes against the traditional sex script, aside from physical pleasure, pegging can also be experienced as psychologically pleasurable because it breaks social norms (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules By Violating Prohibitions).

Why Do Men Experience Sexual Pleasure During Pegging?

Pegging massages the prostate, which is a walnut sized gland located between a man's penis and recturm. Since the prostate is an erogenous zone, when a dildo massages the prostate, it can be highly pleasurable for men who enjoy pegging.

Why Do Women Experience Sexual Pleasure Pegging a Man?

When a woman straps on a dildo to peg a man, she experiences sexual pleasure because the dildo rubs against her clitoris.

In addition, many women experience psychological pleasure being in the dominant sexual position.

How Do You Get Started With Pegging?

• Talk to Your Partner Beforehand: While many people enjoy pegging, it doesn't appeal to everyone, so make sure you and your partner talk about it before you attempt it.  Just like any other sexual act, you want to make sure you and your partner are both giving enthusiastic consent before you try anything new. If one of you isn't into it, you don't have to do it, but be respectful of each other (see my article: Don't Yuck Your Partner's Yum).  Also, be aware that you and your partner might need to have more than one talk about it before you actually try it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Talk to Your Partner About Pegging Beforehand

• Keep an Open Mind and Don't Get Hung Up on Sexual Stereotypes: In the past, any kind of anal play was considered "gay sex", but just because you and your partner might enjoy pegging doesn't mean that either of you are gay. Pegging isn't about sexual orientation--it's about pleasure.

• Start Small and Use a Lot of Lube: Anal tissue is very delicate, so it's a good idea to start small and use a lot of lube before you use a dildo. You can start with oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and a small finger first. Then, you can gradually work your way up to a small butt plug over time. If there is any pain, stop. You want to avoid tearing.

• Make Sure You're Clean: Before you start any anal play, make sure you wash the anus and anything that will be inserted including fingers, butt plugs and dildos. Also, make sure you cover any sex toys inserted into the anus with a condom. Then wash the toys thoroughly with soap and warm water afterwards.

• Relax Before You Start: If you're trying pegging for the first time, you both might be a little anxious. Try doing some breathing exercises beforehand. The more relaxed you both are, the better the experience is more likely to be.

Relaxing Beforehand

• Talk About It Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk about the experience afterwards, especially if it's the first time for both of you. Talk about what worked and what might not have worked--not just physically but also emotionally. If negative feelings come up, be patient and emotionally supportive of one another.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Overcoming Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

This article focuses on philophobia (a fear of falling in love) and how you can overcome this debilitating fear (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love). 

What is Philophobia?

The word philophobia comes from Greek. Philos means loving and phobos is fear.

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

Philophobia, which is a type of phobia, is not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the manual used by psychotherapists to diagnose mental health disorders. However, the term philophobia describes a dynamic that therapists often see in clients who have experienced trauma or a history of difficult relationships.

People who suffer with philophobia often have a fear of being in a relationship or being able to maintain a relationship.

Fear of falling in love exists on a continuum.  Some people go through temporary periods in their lives when they feel too emotionally vulnerable to allow themselves to be open to love.

This temporary fear can occur after a traumatic breakup or another traumatic experience that creates fear of vulnerability. Over time, often with the help in therapy and a wish to overcome the loneliness, these people can overcome their fear so they can open up to the possibility of love

Other people, who have a more intense fear of falling in love, have difficulty even allowing themselves to meet potential romantic partners. They might even tell themselves they want to be "independent," which is often a pseudo independeance, so they live lonely and isolated lives (ee my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy and Emotional Connection).

Note: Philophobia is different from people who aromantic, which means they experience little to no romantic feelings for others.

What Causes Philophobia?

Fear of falling in love can have many potential causes including (but not limited to):

• Traumatic Childhood Experiences: This can include a family history of feeling unlovable or experiencing emotional neglect as a child. It can also include a family history where a child's normal need for love and emotional nurturance was shamed by parents who were also fearful of emotional vulnerability (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be in Adult Romantic Relationships).

• Previous Difficult Romantic Relationships: People who have a history of difficult or traumatic romantic relationships can develop a fear of allowing themselves to trust and open up to love again. This is often related to having early experiences in childhood where they felt unloved so that they continue to unconsciously choose people who will disappoint or abandon them.

• Cultural Pressure: People who are part of cultures that favor marriage at a young age with the focus on practicality and less of a focus on love can develop a fear of the emotional vulnerability involved with falling in love.  Also people who are different from their mainstream culture (e.g., LGBTQ+) often feel pressure to conform to cultural norms because they don't want to be shunned by their family, cultural or religious group.

What Are Common Signs of Philophobia?

The signs related to philophobia can be different for different people, however there are certain common telltale signs including (but not limited to):

• Persistent fear of love that lasts approximately six months or longer

Philophobia: A Fear of Falling in Love

• Intense anxiety or fear of emotional vulnerability in a relationship

• Intense anxiety or fear which make someone fearful of giving or receiving love

• Symptoms interfere with someone's ability to enter into and/or maintain a relationship

What Are Potential Complications to Philophobia?

Living a lonely and isolated life can have serious physical and mental health repercussions including (but not limited to):

• Anxiety

• Panic Attacks

• Complex Trauma or PTSD

• Depression

• Insomnia

• Erectile Dysfunction

• Substance Misuse and other addictive or compulsive disorders

• Other Chronic Health Problems

How to Overcome Philophobia?

As mentioned above, philophobia develops from a difficult and often traumatic history.

Overcoming philophobia involves getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist and who can help you to manage your current symptoms as well as get to the root of your problem.

There are various forms of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)
  

• Other Types of Experiential Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

There are many people who live their whole lives with philophobia and never get help. They often live lonely and isolated lives which they regret at the end of their lives.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome your fear so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

If you have ever used dating apps to meet people, you know you can meet many different people before you meet someone you really like.

Unfortunately, feelings aren't always mutual. 

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

You might be interested in someone who really wants to be with someone else and vice versa.  

This isn't unusual. But if you find that your pattern is to see people who make you their "backup plan," you might want to rethink your dating patterns.

What is a Backup Plan in Dating and Relationships?

A backup plan is considered a second choice.  It happens when someone really wants to be with someone else but, for whatever reason, they can't be, so they choose someone who is their second choice.

Another possible scenario is that the person you like doesn't have someone in particular in mind, but they're keeping you around as a placeholder until they meet the person they want to be with.

If you want to get into a serious relationship, you don't want to be anyone's backup plan or placeholder while they're waiting for someone else.

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

Get Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In a prior article, What You Resist Persists, I discussed how resisting what you don't like about yourself only makes it stronger.

Making Friends With Your Inner Critic

In the current article, I'm focusing on how to make friends with your inner critic.

What is Your Inner Critic?

As I mentioned in Overcoming the Inner Critic, no one is born with an inner critic. It usually develops at a young age.

Children internalize the negative messages they receive from their parents and other authority figures in their life.  

Most of the time, these messages aren't meant to be damaging, but they might be delivered in a harsh or punitive way and they are internalized by the child as meaning there's something wrong with them.

How the Inner Critic Develops

For instance, many well-meaning parents think they're motivating their children by comparing them unfavorably to older siblings, "Why can't you be more like your older brother? He gets all A's in school. Why can't you get all A's?"

Instead of motivating children, this kind of message gets internalized as "I'm not good enough" or "My parents don't love me as much as they love my older brother."

If children hear these kinds of messages repeatedly, they develop an inner critic who acts like a bully and who continues to give them negative messages about themselves even after they become adults.

Why Would You Want to Befriend Your Inner Critic?

When most people encounter a negative thought or feeling, their first inclination is to push it away because it's so unpleasant and emotionally challenging.

While this reaction is understandable, the problem is that, as I mentioned in an earlier article, even though you might be able to temporarily push away negative thoughts or feelings, you will only strengthen these feelings over time by trying to suppress them.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, the inner critic isn't trying to harm you--it's trying to protect you from harm.  

In other words, from the perspective of the inner critic, its intent is defensive. Just like parents might have thought they were being helpful by comparing their child to a more accomplished older sibling, the inner critic is trying, in a maladaptive way, to help you.  

So, for example, your inner critic might tell you, "You're too dumb to apply for college so don't even think about it" or "You're not good enough to audition for that play, so don't even try."

From the inner critic's perspective, it's trying to protect you from being disappointed or humiliated, but it's going about it all wrong.  Instead of protecting you, the inner critic crushes your spirit.

Since the inner critic is a part of you, you can't just get rid of it, but you can develop a dialog with it to acknowledge its good intention and then gently ask it to step aside.

How Can You Make Friends With Your Inner Critic?

• Acknowledge and Accept That Your Inner Critic is a Part of You: Since resisting and suppressing your inner critic only makes it stronger, you can start by acknowledging and accepting that your inner critic as a part of you now--regardless of how it first developed. At the same time, remember that your thoughts and feelings aren't facts no matter how strong they are and how often they occur. Accept your inner critic and, at the same time, don't give it power.

Acceptance and Self Compassion

• Differentiate Your True Self From Your Inner Critic: After you have acknowledged and accepted that your inner critic is a part of you, you become aware that it's only one part of you. It's not all of you who are. There is a deeper part of you, which some people call your true self or, as it's called in Parts Work, your core self (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).  According to the Internal Family System (IFS), one of many Parts Work models, your core self is the part of you that is:

• Curious
• Creative
• 'Calm
• Confident
• Clear
• Connected

• Practice Self Compassion
• The inner critic is often a young part of you that holds unresolved trauma. Rather than criticizing or suppressing the inner critic, show self compassion. When you practice self compassion, the inner critic tends to soften. So, when you get negative messages from your inner critic like, "You don't know what you're doing. You're a failure," respond with kindness by telling yourself, "I'm worthy of love and compassion and I'm doing the best I can."  Then, gently ask the inner critic to step aside.

Get Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often shows up in the form of an inner critic.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history allows you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and, as a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.