Relationships: Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-0ns

As a sex therapist, when I'm working with individual clients or couples who want to work on their sex life, I often hear clients say they're bored or they're not turned on by what their partner wants to do sexually or the idea of doing something new makes them uncomfortable (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

These are a common problems, which is understandable because no two people are exactly alike and each will have their own preferences when it comes to just about anything--whether it's food, sex, types of entertainment they enjoy and so on.

Aside from the fact that many people don't know how to talk about sex with their partner, talking about sex when two people don't want to engage in the same sexual activity can be especially fraught (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

The partner who is making him/herself vulnerable by asking for a sexual activity that is outside of their usual sexual repertoire often feels rejected when the other partner doesn't want to even considerate it. 

In most cases, the other partner isn't rejecting their partner--they're rejecting the activity.  But in the moment, it can feel like a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

This often shuts down any more talk about sex due to fear of rejection. In many cases, this sets up a dynamic where sex becomes routine and boring over time because there's nothing new and each person is reluctant to talk about it.

Sexual shame and guilt often get in the way of partners being able to talk about sex.  If shame and guilt are worked through in therapy, a reluctant partner can get curious about their partner's and their own sexual interests.

How to Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

As I've said in prior articles, no one should do anything they don't want to do.  

Consent means more than just going along with your partner's wishes when you don't want to do it.  

But when you're in a relationship with someone you trust, your response doesn't have to be either Yes or No.  Instead, you can get curious about what turns your partner on about the particular sexual activity they're interested in and get curious about your own erotic preferences.

Even if you both decide not to engage in any of these activities, your curiosity and the discussion with your partner can open up other possibilities that you're both interested in.

Are There Sexual Brakes Getting in the Way?

Even more important than understanding your own and your partner's turn-ons is understanding each of your turn-offs.  

According to Sex Educator Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., when a couple is experiencing sexual problems where they're out of synch with regard to sexual desire, it's important to pay attention to whether one or both people are dealing with "sexual brakes."  

The sexual brakes need to be addressed first before looking at the sexual accelerators (turn-ons).  To paraphrase Dr. Nagoski: You have to turn off the offs before you turn on the ons.

This is an issue I discussed in detail in the article listed below, so I won't go into it in more detail here:

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how to use curiosity and an open discussion to bring a couple closer together emotionally and sexually:

Nina and Tim

Nina and Tim, who were both in their early 40s, were married for several years when Tim told Nina that he felt their sex life had become too routine and he would like to spice it up a little.

Prior to dating Tim, Nina was only in one other long term relationship so she didn't have a lot of prior sexual experience.  

She was also bored with their sexual routine, but she didn't feel sexually confident, so when she heard Tim say he wanted to spice things up, she felt embarrassed and apprehensive.  

Sexual Boredom is a Common Problem in Long Term Relationships

In addition, due to her religious and cultural upbringing, talking about sex brought up guilt and shame for her (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Even though she felt uncomfortable, she wanted to be a good partner to Tim, so she asked him what he had in mind.  

Tim knew talking about sex made Nina feel uncomfortable, especially talking about trying something new, so he reassured her that he wouldn't try to get her to do anything she didn't want to do.  He only wanted to expand their usual sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Tim told Nina he wanted to try doing role plays (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

He could tell from the look of her face that she was hesitant about this, which made him feel emotionally vulnerable and embarrassed that he even suggested it, so he told her to forget it.  

When she saw the look of embarrassment on his face, Nina wanted to say something comforting, but she didn't know what to say, so she turned on the TV to cover the awkward silence between them.

After that awkward conversation, they didn't talk about sex again for another year.  They continued their usual sexual routine, even though they were both bored with it.  Over time, they had less and less sex because neither of them looked forward to it.

So, a year after his first attempt, Tim tried talking to her about their sex life again, but he could see how uncomfortable she was, so he suggested they see a sex therapist to work on this, which Nina agreed to do.

Their sex therapist normalized their difficulty with talking about sex.  She also told them that it was common for sex to become routine for couples in long term relationships and they were no different from many other couples (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

Gradually, Nina and Tim began a dialog about their sex life in their sessions.  They also worked on their emotional connection, which they both wanted to strengthen.

Strengthening their emotional connection helped Nina to feel more comfortable talking the possibility of trying new sexual activities, including role playing.  She was also able to listen to Tim tell her what turned him on about role playing.

Nina also worked on the shame and guilt related to her religious and cultural background, so she was able to open up to her own sexual curiosity. 

In addition, Nina explored her own core erotic themes to understand herself as an erotic being. This enabled Nina to get curious about her erotic needs as well as Tim's (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery with Pleasure Mapping).

Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

Nina and Tim's curiosity motivated them to try sexual role plays, which added spice to their sex life together.  They also began exploring other sexual activities they were both curious about, which was pleasurable for both of them.

Conclusion

Aside from guilt and shame, there can be many other reasons why you might hesitate to explore your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  

If your initial reaction is to criticize or show contempt for your partner's turn-ons, try to get curious instead.

When you get curious, you allow yourself to be open to new possibilities that could expand your sexual repertoire. This can lead to a more pleasurable sex life for you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

There is no sex, nudity or physcial exams in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Handle Blame? Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

How you handle blame can tell a lot about yourself. It can also have a big impact on your personal and work-related relationships (see my article: Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You and Your Partner?).

How Do You Handle Blame?

The following descriptions are the most common dynamics when it comes to handling blame:

• Externalizers: People who are externalizers usually blame someone or something else when it comes to blame. They rarely, if ever, accept responsibility when things go wrong, even when it's objectively clear that the problem was their fault (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Extreme Externalizers: People who are extreme externalizers have a very difficult time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. They often lack a self reflective capacity, which means they not only fail to look at their own contributions to their problems, but they also don't learn from their mistakes. This means they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. People who are extreme externalizers are often personality disordered (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality: Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Internalizers: People who are internalizers often take on all or most of the blame when things go wrong--even when it's obvious they weren't at fault. 

• Inconsistent Internalizers: People who are inconsistent internalizers often take on too much of the blame in situations, but they can also do a 180 degree turn and externalize all the blame on someone else.  Inconsistent internalizers were often emotionally neglected as children.  Whichever side they're on, they often see situations as being black-and-white with no grey (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Balanced: People who are balanced see their own realistic contributions to problems at the same time they take into account other people's contributions as well as other contributing factors.

How Your Family Handled Blame

Children internalize family dynamics unconsciously.  This includes how families handled blame.

The following vignettes, which are composites, are examples of how families often handle blame and the consequences of their dynamic:

• An Example of an Externalizer: Joey's Family: Joey tended to get into trouble at school for fighting and cutting classes when he was in high school. Whenever Joey's parents were called in to meet with the dean, they were very defensive.  When the dean told them about the problems, both parents blamed Joey's friends for being "bad influences." They never asked Joey to take responsibility and, as parents, they never took responsibility.  So, when Joey became an adult, he became an externalizer.

• An Example of an Internalizer: Alice's Family: When Alice was growing up, she was often scapegoated by her parents and older siblings. Whenever anything went wrong at home, they blamed her.  When they were court-mandated to attend family therapy after Alice's older brother was arrested for stealing a car, they told the family therapist that Alice was the cause of all the family's problems. But when they were asked to explain this, they got defensive (see my article: The Role of the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

• An Example of a Balanced View: Nina's Family: Nina's parents taught her the importance of self reflection so that whenever she had a problem, she reflected on what she could have done better.  They also taught her how to look at problems within the context in which they occurred so she could take a balanced perspective of situations when they went wrong. This helped her in all her relationships as a child and as an adult.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

Dynamics which are internalized at a young age are often difficult to overcome.

If you tend to blame yourself, even when it's objectively clear that you weren't at fault, you could benefit from learning self compassion (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Self Compassion).

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

If you tend to blame others, when a situation goes wrong, take a moment to pause and assess the situation when you're calm.  

If you're blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you're being unfair to others and you're depriving yourself of a potential learning experience.  

If you can stop being defensive and allow yourself to be open, you can gain a new, more balanced perspective when things go wrong. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with internalizing and externalizing usually have their roots in early childhood.

Both internalizing and externalizing can create problems in personal and work-related relationships. 

Problems in relationships often bring people to therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you, if you're open to being helped, to take a more balanced approach when things go wrong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Giving and Receiving Imbalances in Your Relationship

A common problem that brings many couples to therapy is a giving and receiving imbalance in their relationship.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

These types of imbalances can occur on an relational level as well as a sexual level.

Some individuals in a relationship are comfortable giving, but they're not comfortable with receiving.  Others are happy to take from their partners, but they have a problem reciprocating.

Clinical Vignette: An Imbalance of Giving and Receiving

The following clinical vignette is a composite of clinical cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tanya and Bill

Tanya and Bill were married for five years.  They both worked at stressful full time jobs.  When Bill got home, his work was done. He waited for Tanya to cook and serve dinner.  Then, after dinner, he sat in the living room to watch TV while Tanya cleared the table and washed and dried the dishes.  

On weekends, Bill either went to a sporting event with his friends or he watched the games with them at a local sports bar.  Meanwhile, Tanya stayed home to clean the house, do the laundry and go grocery shopping. Her friends hardly ever called her to get together because she always told them she was too busy and exhausted.  

Late on Saturday nights, when Bill got home from seeing his friends, he climbed into bed with Tanya, who was already asleep, and he tapped her on her thigh to signal that he wanted to have sex. But Tanya was usually too tired to have sex, and this made Bill angry.

Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

One day, Bill got fed up and he told Tanya that she was "frigid" because she usually turned him down whenever he wanted to have sex, and he insisted they see a sex therapist, who was also a couples therapist, to work on their problems.

After getting each of their family, relationship and sexual histories, the sex therapist pointed out the imbalance in their relationship with regard to giving and receiving--both relationally and sexually.

During their conversation, Tanya also pointed out that Bill behaved the same way sexually as he did regarding household responsibilities--he liked receiving, but he was selfish when it came to giving.  

She says, "Even if I wasn't exhausted from my job and taking care of all the household responsibilities, I have very little incentive to have sex with Bill because he's never concerned about my sexual satisfaction."

Bill was taken by surprise by the sex therapist's assessment and his wife's response and said to the sex therapist, "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Tanya never complained about taking care of things at home or, on those rare occasions when we have sex, about not feeling sexually satisfied."

This was the beginning of Tanya and Bill exploring their relational and sexual cycles in sex therapy.  

They both grew up in traditional families. Gradually, they realized they were repeating the same relationship cycle they witnessed when they were growing up.  Both of their mothers took on full responsibility for the home, in addition to having a full time job, and their fathers' day was done when they left work.

With regard to sex, Tanya remembered her mother telling her when Tanya got engaged that, "Sex is a wifely duty" to keep her husband satisfied.  Tanya understood the implication was that sexual pleasure was for men and women weren't meant to experience pleasure.  She didn't think much of it at the time.  But, as Tanya reflected on this in her sex therapy session, she told Bill that she wanted to change the dynamic in their relationship. She no longer wanted to always be "the giver" with Bill always being "the taker."  

Bill responded, "I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I want us to work on this as a team."

As they continued to attend sex therapy, they explored these cycles even further.

When the sex therapist asked Tanya what she thought the underlying issues were for her with regard to taking on all the household responsibilities, at first, Tanya didn't know. But as they continued to discuss it, Tanya thought about her mother and her alcoholic father.  

Over time, she realized her parents had a codependent relationship where her mother did everything at home and the father came home, got drunk and did nothing.  

As they continued to explore her parents' dynamic, Tanya realized, even though she knew her mother was frustrated and resentful about doing all the housework, her mother liked having the control because, even after Tanya's father got sober and he wanted to do his share at home, Tanya's mother didn't want to give up control.  

This was a revelation to Tanya. She and her siblings always thought their mother was a long-suffering wife who selflessly did everything at home. But now Tanya realized there was more to her parents' dynamic than she and her siblings had realized.

Tanya also realized that she had unconsciously repeated her mother's dynamic and, when she thought about the possibility of Bill taking on half the responsibilities at home, she felt resistant to the idea. 

At first, she thought it was because, from her perspective, Bill wouldn't do as good a job as she would. But as they continued exploring this in sex therapy sessions, she realized she also wanted to be in complete control--something she never realized before.

Bill realized that he was selfishly repeating his father's dynamic at home with regard to expecting his wife to do all the chores.  As they continued to explore this in therapy, he realized that he had also unconsciously internalized that "being a man" meant coming home and being served because this was how his parents interacted when he was growing up.

He became aware that he needed to change his ideas about what "being a man" meant and that it wasn't about adhering to traditional and outdated gender roles.

With regard to their sexual relationship, Tanya also realized she didn't turn Bill down only because she was tired, she was also seething with unspoken resentment because she felt he treated her like a maid.  

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to work on at home to try to change their relational and sexual dynamics.

Bill learned to take on his fair share of household responsibilities without being asked.  This freed up Tanya so she go to the gym and socialize with her friends every so often. 

With regard to sex, Tanya got curious about what she might enjoy sexually after their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe List, which listed many sexual activities.  

Bill also worked on his own individual Yes, No, Maybe List.  Then, they discussed their completed lists in their sex therapy session and mutually agreed on the sexual activities they would like to try (see my article: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe List).

Tanya discovered she liked cunnilingus (oral sex) much more than sexual intercourse, which surprised Bill.  Bill realized he wanted to watch Tanya masturbate because this would be a big turn-on for him.

They both learned in their sex therapy sessions about the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  In addition, they learned how to overcome this problem so that both of them could experience satisfying sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

It took a while for Bill and Tanya to learn to make these big changes because their relational and sexual dynamics were so entrenched.  But they were both motivated to change, so they stuck with it and made changes step by step.

Conclusion

The dynamics described in the composite vignette about Tanya and Bill are all too common.

Individuals often repeat the relational dynamics they observed in their family of origin--even if they thought it was unfair when they were children--because these dynamics get internalized on an unconscious level.

There are often other underlying issues, as discussed in the vignette, like control issues and what it means to be "a man" or "a good wife," to name just two.

With regard to sexual dynamics, few people get adequate sex education and, whatever they do learn is shrouded in shame and guilt (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt).

Even fewer people learn how to talk about these issues with each other (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

Negative cycles are often difficult to change on your own with regard to relational and sexual cycles.

Overcoming Relational and Sexual Imbalances in a Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who is a couples and sex therapist, can help you to identify and change your negative cycles.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Once you learn to improve your relational and sexual dynamics, you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Romantic Relationships

Adults who were parentified children often have problems in adult romantic relationships due to the childhood trauma of having to act as a parent to one or both of their parents (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Adult Relationships).

The Impact of Parentification Trauma on Adult Relationships

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when parents use their children for emotional or practical support instead of providing support to the children.  As a result, the children, who aren't psychologically or emotionally equipped to do this, become their parents' caregivers (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Parentification is a form of emotional neglect because the child doesn't get what s/he needs from their parents and, instead, must try to extend themselves beyond their developmental abilities to take care of their parents.

Instrumental Parentification and Emotional Parentification

There are two types of parentification:  

Instrumental Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing practical care which is beyond their emotional and psychological capabilities.  

This could involve:

• Taking care of the parents, siblings or other relatives because the parents are unable or unwilling to do it, including taking responsibility for relatives who are physically or mentally disabled or who have a mental illness

• Assuming household responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing the laundry and other similar responsibilities

Instrumental Parentification

• Paying household bills

• Serving as a translator for parents who are unable to speak the primary language of the country where the family resides

• Other practical tasks that are usually handled by adults

Emotional Parentification: This is when children take on the parental role of providing emotional support to parents. 

This could involve:

• Listening to parents talk about their problems, which is beyond the child's capabilities

Emotional Parentification

• Providing parents with advice relating to the parents' problems

• Serving as a confidante to the parents

• Taking on the adult role as a mediator between the parents or other adults

• Providing emotional support to the parents

The Trauma of Parentification

When children take on their parents' emotional and/or practical responsibilities on an ongoing basis, this is a form of relational trauma because there is a role reversal between children and parents.  

Also, as previously mentioned, if the child's emotional and practical needs aren't being met, this is a form of neglect.

Parentification can result in a variety of mental health issues including:

• Problems with trust
• Anger management issues
• Problems with emotional regulation
• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance misuse
• Gambling
• Eating disorders
• Problems forming or maintaining adult relationships, especially romantic relationships

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the traumatic effects of parentification and how trauma therapy can help:

Jim

By the time Jim was 10 years old, he had taken over many of his parents' responsibilities in the household because his father, who was an active alcoholic and unemployed, would disappear for weeks, and his mother tried to support the family by working three jobs.

As the oldest child, Jim did the laundry, cleaned the house, helped his siblings with their homework, put them to sleep, dressed them in the morning and made sure they ate breakfast, among other things.

He was so tired that he often fell asleep in class. When his teacher tried to talk to his mother about it over the phone, she discovered that Jim's mother wasn't receptive to hearing about it. 

She told the teacher, "If Jim didn't take care of the younger kids and do the household chores, everything would fall apart. I don't have anyone else to help out and we can't afford to hire a housekeeper, so that's just the way it is." Then Jim's mother hung up.

When Jim's mother was at home, she often complained and cried about how awful her life turned out and how she hated being married to an alcoholic.  Jim would listen patiently and try to be supportive, but he didn't know what to say.

Then, she would shower him to praise and tell him, "You're so good. You're my little man," which made Jim feel good.

But when his father was home, Jim noticed that, despite her complaints to him in private, his mother would go out of her way to appease and cater to the father.  This confused and angered Jim. He couldn't understand why his mother didn't hold the father accountable.  

What was even more confusing to him was that her attitude towards him was very different when his father wasn't home. She doted so much on his father that it was as if Jim and his siblings didn't exist. Instead of confiding in Jim and praising him, his mother would often go along with his father in being critical of him, which hurt Jim's feelings.  

Sometimes Jim felt like he had two mothers--the one who was kind and praiseful towards him when his father wasn't home and the other one who ignored him and joined in his father's criticism of him when his father was home.

Despite this, Jim remained loyal to his mother and disdainful towards his father.  When it was time for him to go to college, Jim chose a school close to home so he could live at home and be close to his mother to help out.

By then, his father had quit drinking because he was having health problems and his doctor warned him that if he didn't stop drinking, he would die.  So, things were a little more stable at home and his father got a job as a janitor.

Throughout high school and college, Jim didn't date. He had a few male friends, but he felt shy and self conscious around girls.  Sometimes his friends teased him about being "a mama's boy," but he didn't care because he knew his mother still needed him at home.

After he graduated college and he started a new job, he met a woman at his organization who was from a different department. Jane was friendly and outgoing and she asked Jim to go to lunch.  Soon after that, they began dating.

Problems arose in their relationship a few months after they started dating whenever Jim cancelled their plans when he felt his mother needed him.  These cancellations never involved emergencies, but Jim treated these incidents as if they were emergencies,which angered Jane. So, Jane gave him an ultimatum to either attend therapy or she would leave him.

Jim began therapy to deal with feeling triangulated between his mother and his girlfriend.  This is how he learned about parentification and how it affected him in his relationship with Jane as well as his reluctance, before dating Jane, to date at all.

Trauma Therapy

As part of trauma therapy, Jim did EMDR therapy to help him to work through his history of trauma and the impact it had on his romantic relationship.

The work in trauma therapy was neither easy or quick but, over time, Jim began to heal from his childhood trauma. He was also able to differentiate himself psychologically from his mother so he could thrive as an individual and in his relationship.

Conclusion

Adults who were parentified often have a difficult time in adult romantic relationships.

The good news is that the trauma of parentification can be worked through in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with a history of parentification, you're not alone.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through trauma.

So, instead of struggling on your own, seek help in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more abou tme, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction