Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy? Part 2

In my last article,  Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy - Part 1, I began with a very qualified "yes" to this question.

Healing From Trauma

Part 1 of this topic focused on the barriers to finding a therapist which often forces people who want therapy to deal with their trauma on their own. 

In the current article, I'll discuss the types of self-help interventions you can use on your own to heal from trauma and some of the challenges involved in trying to heal certain types of trauma on your own.

Generally speaking, you can try to heal on your own with one-time traumatic events that are mildly disturbing--although what is mildly disturbing to one person is severely disturbing to someone else. As a result, you have to know yourself well without being in denial about how you're affected by your unresolved trauma.

Healing From Trauma on Your Own Without Psychotherapy

Under certain circumstances, which I'll discuss in this article, individuals do heal from trauma on their own without psychotherapy.

Healing From Trauma

Many individuals who have a natural resilience, a strong support network and self-directed coping strategies have healed on their own from mildly disturbing traumatic events.

I'll discuss the limitations and risks in the next section of this article.

With the exception of complex trauma, chronic trauma, depression, panic attacks, severe flashbacks, substance abuse or debilitating anxiety and other related conditions, many individuals can heal from trauma without therapy.

Another exception is if a one-time traumatic event occurs and you have a history of complex trauma. Under these circumstances, the one-time event can exacerbate long-standing complex trauma, so it's not advisable to try heal on your own. You need professional help.

Whether or not you can heal from trauma on your own depends on certain personal factors including (but not limited to):

• The severity of your trauma
• The duration of your trauma
• The frequency of your trauma
• Your internal resources and coping skills
• Your personal access to a safe environment

It's not unusual for individuals who experience trauma to underestimate the severity, duration and frequency of their trauma, so you have to be objectively honest with yourself.

In addition, if someone is accustomed to living in an unsafe environment, they might have a blind spot about their current circumstances because it's familiar and seems "normal" to them. So, once again, you need to be objectively honest with yourself, which can be challenging.

When Is It Possible to Heal Independently?

Since trauma affects the brain's survival wiring and nervous system, the possibility of healing independently requires a combination of emotional, mental and physical strategies:

• Somatic and Nervous System Regulation: Trauma traps the body in a continuous state of fight, flight or freeze. Individuals who have unresolved trauma often benefit from physical practices like trauma-informed yoga, breathwork and rhythmic movement to signal to their nervous system that they are safe now. 

Healing From Trauma

• Structured Self Reflection: Tools such as expressive writing or structured journaling allow individuals with trauma to safely externalize their overwhelming feelings, identify trauma triggers and track behavior problems without immediate judgment. 

• Relational Safety: Healing from trauma rarely, if ever, occurs in isolation. Building trusted relationships with safe friends, family members or peer support groups help build a sense of shared belonging and mutual trust.

• Psychoeducation: Reading evidence-basesd literature on trauma recovery can empower individuals to understand their emotional flashbacks and dismantle self-blame objectively. Although developing insight into your trauma isn't the same as working through it, psychoeducation is a good first step.

What Are the Risks and Limitations to Healing Independently?

While self healing is possible, trying to navigate healing from trauma entirely on your own has distinct challenges that should be carefully considered:

• Risk of Retraumatization: This is a very important consideration. The unchecked excavation of deeply repressed, distressing traumatic memories without professional stabilization from a mental health professional can inadvertently reinforce neural pathways of fear, anxiety, panic and amplification of panic and anxiety. 

• Blind Spots: An individual's psychological defense mechanisms, including dissociation and emotional numbing, can hide underlying trauma responses. This makes identifying a trauma response very difficult to identify and resolve on your own.

• Symptom Severity: Self-directed methods to healing trauma are generally more effective for localized, single-event trauma (e.g., a one-time argument with a loved one when the relationship is normally healthy, a close call with a car accident where the accident never occurred and other similar one-time events). Complex trauma, chronic trauma, persistent panic attacks, severe flashbacks, substance abuse and depression are among the conditions that shouldn't be handled independently. Under those circumstances, a qualified mental health professional is required.

• Avoid Reliving Instead of Revisiting the Trauma: Retelling your trauma, whether you do it on your own or you talk with a therapist who isn't a qualified trauma therapist, will be retraumatizing instead of healing.

Healing From Complex Trauma

Complex trauma stems from chronic, repeated interpersonal violations such as childhood abuse and neglect and other similar conditions.

Complex trauma fundamentally alters your brain structure, your nervous system and relational trust.

Trauma therapy remains the gold standard for complex trauma.

Why is Self-Healing Not Advisable For Complex Trauma?

Here are some of the major reasons:

• The "Window of Tolerance" Danger: Healing complex trauma requires processing traumatic memories without tipping into panic or shutting down with dissociation. Without a trauma therapist to help you monitor your "window of tolerance", processing deep trauma on your own can lead to unintended retraumatization (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance to Overcome Emotional Problems).

• The Relational Wound: Complex trauma is usually caused by people. Since the hurt happened in a relationship, true rewiring of your attachment system and relational trust requires a safe, consistent relationship--the type of relationship you have with a skilled trauma therapist.

• Nervous System Hijacking: Trauma lives in the trauma-focused and emotional parts of the brain and body--not just in the logical part of your brain. It is extremely difficult (if not impossible) for you to talk yourself or think yourself out of an automatic biological panic without professional help.

When Self Help is Not Enough

Self-guided healing is more likely to work for mild symptoms and establishing baseline stability.

As previously mentioned, professional help is needed if you have complex trauma, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse problems, flashbacks, relationship problems, debilitating anxiety or other symptoms that affect your daily functioning.

Before You Try to Heal Your Trauma On Your Own, Consult a Professional: If you are considering whether or not to try to heal without therapy or you want to make sure you'll be safe on your own, have a consultation with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist. 

A skilled trauma therapist can assess whether you can safely try to heal on your own or if you need professional help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you decide to pursue trauma therapy with a licensed mental health professional, you have various choices with regard to trauma therapy modalities:

The Top Down Approach to Trauma Therapy

The top down approach to trauma therapy includes cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which challenges your distorted thoughts and beliefs related to your trauma. The problem with CBT, in my professional opinion, is that it usually leaves out the mind-body connection and it often doesn't go deep enough.

Trauma Therapy: Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches

The Bottom Up Approach to Trauma Therapy

I recommend the Bottom Up approach to trauma therapy, which are also known as Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Therapies?

Experiential Therapy tends to be more effective for processing trauma than traditional talk therapy like CBT (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Experiential Therapies are mind-body oriented therapy that get to the root of the problem by focusing on the mind-body connection (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Bottom up Experiential therapies include:

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy (SE)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic IFS Therapy (Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy)

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 phone call before I sent up a first appointment.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to make an appointment.

Also See My Articles:

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions? 

Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

Combining EMDR and IFS Somatic Parts Work Therapy 

How Does AEDP Heal Trauma? 

What is Somatic Resonance and Why Is It Healing?

Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy? Part 1

Can you heal from your trauma without therapy? 

Can You Heal From Trauma Without Psychotherapy?

The answer is a qualified yes under certain circumstances.

Since this is a big topic, I'll get discuss some self-help techniques in Part 2 of this topic and the exceptions to healing from trauma on your own.

Barriers to Psychotherapy

First, I want to acknowledge that there can be significant barriers to therapy for many people.

It's understandable that these barriers are some of the reasons why people with unresolved trauma often want to try to heal on their own. 

These barriers include:

Financial and Logistical Barriers

• Shortage of Therapists: Many regions in the US, especially in rural areas, have a shortage of mental health professionals. You can do online therapy with a licensed therapist within your state so you don't have to go to the therapist's office in person, but there still aren't enough therapists for all the people who need therapy. Even if New York City, the demand for therapists is higher than the available therapists. This often means there are long waiting lists or, worse still, people can't access therapy at all.

• Finding An In-Network Therapist on Your Insurance Plan: Even if you have health care insurance, finding an in-network therapist can be difficult--even in New York City where there are hundreds of therapists. If you're trying to use your in-network health insurance, you might discover that the list of therapists from the insurance company is out of date. When I worked as an EAP counselor in New York and I tried to find in-network therapists for clients, I kept coming up against this problem. There were times when I discovered that psychotherapists and psychiatrists listed on the panel were dead for 10 years or more. So, you can't always rely on that information. Then, even if you do find a therapist who is in your network, they are often completely booked up. Another barrier is that, even if you get an appointment with an in-network therapist, they usually see 30-40 clients per week, so you're often getting a therapist who is overworked and underpaid by the insurance company. There is a high percentage of therapist burnout among psychotherapists who take insurance due to the high volume of clients they need to see to make a living and the administrative burdens the insurance company places on them.

• Finding An Out of Network Therapist: You're more likely to find an out of network therapist because highly trained, experienced therapists don't want to deal with the challenges of being an in-network therapist (low insurance reimbursement rates, a lot of paperwork, lengthy waits to get paid by the insurance company and intrusive insurance audits where the insurance company asks for private information about clients' treatment). The problem with a lot of out of network therapy is that it can be expensive and, if you don't have an out of network benefit or a health savings plan, the cost adds up, especially if the therapist doesn't offer reduced fees to qualified clients.

• Time and Schedule Constraints: Balancing therapy, which is usually once a week, can be difficult with work demands, child care issues or other responsibilities.

• Transportation Issues: New York City has a good public transportation system, but in many other areas there isn't reliable transportation to get to a therapist's office.

Cultural and Social Barriers

• Social Stigma: Although going to therapy has less of a stigma than it used to in the past, many people still see going to therapy as a "weakness". So, this stigma can keep many people out of therapy (see my article: Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

Barriers to Psychotherapy

• Lack of Cultural Competence and Humility: There is a shortage of therapists who understand specific cultural backgrounds, racial realities, LGBTQ+ issues and other related cultural issues. Outside of major cities, like New York City, this can leave people in certain cultural groups feeling underrepresented and misunderstood. 

• Language Barriers: Individuals who speak a language other than English can have a hard time finding therapists who are capable of conducting a therapy session in their language, especially in smaller cities.

• An Emphasis on Self Reliance: As I mentioned in a prior article, certain cultures and generations place a strong emphasis on handling problems on your own. These individuals often view therapy as an unnecessary reliance on strangers.

Emotional and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Vulnerability: Many people find it difficult to open up to talk about personal problems, unresolved trauma or suppressed emotions with a stranger. For these individuals talking to a therapist brings up anxiety.

Barriers to Psychotherapy 

• Denial About Problems: Many individuals are in denial about their problems or unresolved trauma. Despite the problems they are having in their current life, they convince themselves that their problems aren't serious enough to get help. They might even point to others they think have far worse problems (see my article: The Problem With Comparative Suffering).

• Distrust Due to Bad Experiences From the Past: If a person has had bad experiences within the health care system in the past, they might have difficulty seeking help with emotional issues.

• Fear Problems Will Get Worse in Therapy: Some people avoid therapy because they fear their problems will get worse in therapy. They fear that their unresolved buried trauma will cause them to lose control before they can work through their issues.

Next Article: Can You Heal Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy - Part 2

About Me 

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Works Therapy, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a 10-15 minute free telephone call before setting up a first appointment. 

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Happiness Change With Age?

I have been focusing lately on the topic of happiness (see my articles: What is Happiness? and Why Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work).

In the current article, I'm focusing on how happiness changes with age.

Happiness as a Teenager vs Happiness as an Adult

According to social psychologists, how we experience happiness changes with age.  

When I was a teenager, happiness meant going out on the weekend with my friends to a noisy dance club.

Happiness Changes With Age

These clubs were known as "juice bars" because they served non-alcoholic drinks for teenagers. 

Since we were underage and not interested in alcohol, we didn't care about drinking.  We were there to meet boys our own age and have fun on a noisy dance floor. It didn't matter to us that the music was so loud that, even when we met someone, we had to go outside to talk.

Before the weekend, we spent all week talking to each other about what we would wear and who we hoped to meet at the club. We would visit each other's homes to help each other choose outfits and accessories--all in anticipation of our Saturday night out.

As compared to my teenager self, my experience of happiness today might involve going to a quiet restaurant with friends and loved ones or staying home to read a book or watch a classic movie.

If my teenage self had been told that my adult self would be going to quiet restaurants or reading a book on a Saturday night, she would have been shocked and disappointed. She also would have thought I had become "boring." 

But my current adult self can look back on those dance club nights with nostalgia as having been fun and exciting for the time. I'm glad I did those things at a time when they were new and exciting to me.

When I talk to friends in my age group now, they agree that who they are now and what makes them happy is a lot different from what made them happy as teenagers. 

How Does Happiness Change With Age?

Researchers from Northwestern University have used the term "promotion mindedness" to describe experiences of the young. 

Happiness Changes With Age

It's a time for focusing on hopes and dreams for the future before you have a lot of responsibilities. Even though you know intellectually that you're not immortal, you feel immortal and you hink you can do anything. 

As you get older and you have more responsibilities, these illusions change. Instead of dreaming about endless possibilities, you're trying to maintain what you have worked so hard to achieve, possibly a marriage, children, a house or a career.  So, your priorities change as you get older and what makes you happy also changes.

Teenagers and young adults are typically looking for excitement--like their first experience of sex, finding love and dreaming about a successful career. 

But by the time you become a mature adult, you have achieved many of those things and, aside from maintaining what you have achieved, you want to feel peaceful, relaxed and calm. Dance clubs and raucous parties are probably not high on your list.

What is the U-Shaped Curve of Happiness?

Over the lifespan, happiness follows a u-shaped curve.

Based on psychological and economic studies, the u-shaped curve indicates that happiness tends to be greatest during youth and old age:

• The Youth Peak (early 20s): Young adults typically start with high levels of life satisfaction which is fueled by optimism, fewer responsibilities and freedom to explore.

• The Midlife Low Point (40s to early 50s): Generally, life satisfaction tends to steadily decline, bottoming out at around ages 47 to 49. This slump is usually driven by peak career stress, financial burdens, childcare, caring for elderly parents and unfulfilled youthful expectations.

• The Golden Rise (50s to 70s): After age 50, happiness tends to rebound for most people. Many studies indicate that age 70 is the pinnacle of lifetime satisfaction. Many of these individuals report fewer stressors or career anxiety and greater emotional stability.

Why Do Older Adults Score Higher in Happiness Studies?

According to studies, all other things being equal, emotional well-being thrives in later life for the following reasons:

• The Positivity Effect: According to neurological and psychological studies from institutes like the Stanford Center on Longevity, older brains naturally filter out negative stimuli, choosing instead to focus on positive memories.

Happiness Changes With Age

• Socioemotional Selectivity: Realizing that time horizons are short, older adults tend to let go of superficial social networks and focus more on high-quality, meaningful friendships and family bonds.

• Emotional Regulation: Most older adults have decades of life experience so they usually develop better coping skills as compared to when they were younger. This helps them to handle stress and daily anxieties much better than teenagers or young adults.

All of these findings assume that basic needs like food, shelter, good health and the other necessities of life are taken care of which isn't the case for everyone.  

For instance, these days there are more retirees who are returning to work in order to have the basic necessities of life. 

In addition, if you live in an expensive city, like New York City or San Francisco and you weren't a high earner, your life satisfaction will be different from people who are more financially secure.

Conclusion

Happiness changes with age and, for most people, it tends to develop in a u-shaped curve with happiness being at its highest levels in youth and old age.

So, if you're young, enjoy the excitement and time of new discovery during this phase in your life. If you're older, you can still be open to new experiences and approach life with a sense of wonder and curiosity, but your interests might be different from when you were younger.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples of all ages over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friends Important? 

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

How to Develop a Curious Mindset 

Striving to Be a Lifelong Learner

Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice

Financial Infidelity in Relationships: How to Stop Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner

Hiding financial debt from your partner is a form of financial infidelity which can be just as harmful as having a sexual affair. 

Keeping this secret can break trust with your partner, jeopardize your legal standing and ruin your shared relationship goals.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

What Are the Potential Consequences of Hiding Financial Debt From Your Partner?

Let's look at the consequences in more detail:

• Erosion of Trust: Finding out about secret debt can cause a tremendous erosion of trust and feelings of betrayal. It can trigger relationship conflict or a breakup.

• Damaged Future Goals: Hidden debt takes away money that you and your partner would otherwise use to save for future goals, like a wedding, a new home or retirement.

• Credit Roadblocks: Hidden debt can prevent you and your partner from qualifying for apartment rentals, home mortgages or car loans.

• Legal and Joint Liabilities: If you co-sign for a loan or open joint accounts, your partner can become legally liable for the debt regardless of who spent the money.

Why Do People Hide Debt From Their Partner?

Secret spending or hidden debt usually occurs due to specific emotional and situational factors:

• Shame and Embarrassment: Feeling severe shame, guilt and embarrassment about past financial mistakes or current bad habits

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Fear of Confrontation: Worrying that a partner might judge you, get upset or call off a wedding or end the relationship

• Desire For Control: Wanting total independence or a financial fallback without answering to anyone

• Underlying Impulsive or Compulsive Habits: Masking debt that stems from hidden gambling, compulsive shopping or substance habits

What Steps Can You Take to Stop Hiding Debt From Your Partner?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this issue. What might be right for one person might not be right for another. 

You have to assess your situation and ensure that you are safe physically and emotionally before revealing secret debt. If you are in an unsafe environment where your partner might become physically abusive, you have to prioritize your safety. Depending upon your situaton, you might have to work with a domestic violence agency to develop your exit strategy before addressing financial issues.

For most people the following steps can be helpful:

• Own Up Before the Wedding: Don't let your partner find out about your secret debt through a rejected loan application or a surprise collection letter.

Financial Infidelity in Relationships

• Gather Concrete Information: Print and have available for your partner your credit reports and a clear list of every single card, interest rate, minimum payment and other relevant information.

• Draft a Repayment Strategy: Present your partner with the truth along with an actionable plan as to how you plan to pay off your debt--whether this includes getting a second job, strict budgeting or whatever other positive steps you need to take.

• Choose a Calm Setting: Pick a quiet time when you and your partner will have privacy to talk without being interrupted. Don't bring it up during an argument or in an offhand way.

• Avoid Defensiveness: Take responsibility and don't blame your partner or others for hiding the debt.

• Acknowledge the Betrayal: Validate your partner's feelings including anger, shock, hurt, sadness or whatever feelings your partner might have. 

• Recognize That the Lie is Often More Damaging Than the Money Owed: Lies of omission where you don't reveal secret debt is still a lie. Assuming your partner wants to remain in the relationship, you will have to work to regain your partner's trust.

• Assume Responsibility For the Financial Burden: Make it clear that you consider this to be your financial responsibility to fix and it is not their responsibility.

What Kind of Professional Help Can Be Helpful?

• Financial Planner/Legal Advisor: Depending upon your situation, you might need a financial or legal professional to help you map out a financial strategy. A legal consultation can also help you to work on either a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement to legally shield your partner from your liabilities.

• Couples Therapist: A licensed mental health professional can help you both to deal with the emotional fracture in your relationship after you revealed the secret debt. It's best not to avoid dealing with the psychological damage to the relationship because these  problems can harden into deep resentment and mistrust. A couples therapist's role would include:

• De-escalating and Creating Psychological Safety: The couples therapist would set communication boundaries to stop repetitive and toxic argument loops. They reinforce agreements against blame-based language, yelling or bringing up deception as a tool to weaponize for constant punishment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Managing Emotional Flooding: A high betrayal trauma often leaves the partner who feels betrayed in a state of hypervigilance and, at times, panic. The couples therapist can teach emotional regulation skills and implement structured pauses when sessions become overwhelming or unproductive.

• Validating the Deception Trauma: The clinical focus honors the hurt partner's pain. The therapist ensures that the secretive partner knows that the primary damage is the lying and the concealment--not just the missing money.

• Halting the "Trickle Truth": A major obstacle to healing occurs when the secretive partner admits to hiding a certain amount of debt at first and then, later on, admits that there was even more debt. This continuous drip of information re-traumatizes the betrayed partner each time.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Investigating Each Partner's Relationships to Money: Using a therapeutic model like Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) the therapist helps the couple to look beneath the immediate problem of the debt to examine family-of-origin patterns, childhood financial insecurity or feelings of lack of autonomy in the current relationship.

• Addressing Core Drivers of the Secretive and Deceptive Behavior: The therapist guides the secretive partner to look inward at their capacity for deception. The therapist explores whether the secretive behavior was driven by intense shame, a fear of conflict, severe avoidance or compulsive spending behavior.

• Addressing Other Relevant Issues: Once the air has been cleared, the couples therapist can help the couple to develop verified openness in their relationship. This often involves sharing login information, co-managed budget spreadsheets and notification triggers for banking applications. It also involves setting financial boundaries where the couple establishes a pre-agreed upon threshold that would require a conversation before money is spent. In addition, once trust has been regained, the clinician helps the couple so that they don't remain in a permanent parent-child dynamic where one partner acts like the disciplinarian and the other partner acts like the untrustworthy child. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS Parts Work Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Talk to Your Partner About Money 

What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame? 

Toxic Family Secrets 

What is the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship? 

Ambivalence and Codependency in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

This article was updated on September 15, 2026.

The bond between a mother and a daughter can be incredibly deep, but it can also be very complex.  Much of the tension comes from the unique biological and psychological mirrors that exist between them.

Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters. At times, they project their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. Because of this intense connection, a mother often see pieces of her identity in her daughter. This can lead to a mother projecting her own unfulfilled hopes, dreams and unresolved wounds onto her child. 

In response, a daughter can learn to strongly identify with her mother--often idealizing her as a normal, healthy part of childhood development. However, when the idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own perso

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how ambivalence and codependency between a mother and daughter can occur:

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. 

When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns (see my article: Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in New York City that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to New York to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heartbroken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

In therapy, Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping either of them.

Over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. She told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
There are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with this sort of entanglement often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
Are you trying to navigate a complicated dynamic as a mother or daughter?

You don't have to try to untangle these feelings alone. 

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, IFS, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many family members improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office or online.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time

Frequently Asked Questions About Mother-Daughter Relationships

What are the signs that a mother-daughter relationship has evolved into a defensive cascade of guilt?
If you find yourself constantly adjusting your lifestyle, changing career paths, or self-sabotaging romantic relationships to avoid triggering a parent's loneliness or disapproval, you are likely caught in a dysfunctional cycle of worry. As a licensed Manhattan psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience, I help daughters recognize these patterns, access the unconscious mind to reprocess stored trauma, and claim their right to an independent, fulfilling life.

How can a psychotherapist help me break free from a codependent relationship with my mother?
In my Greenwich Village private practice, I work with individual adults to untangle the deeply rooted emotional ties and invisible loyalties that fuel codependency. By combining relational psychotherapy techniques with Somatic Experiencing and IFS parts work, I help you heal the parentified child within, establish healthy boundaries, and step out of the chronic protective mental spinning that holds you back from your own happiness.

How is Therapy With a Psychotherapist Different From Using Artificial Intelligence?

In the last several years some people have been relying on Artificial Intelligence (AI) for their mental health issues instead of seeing a licensed mental health professional.  

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

Although AI can be useful in terms of understanding certain mental health issues, it's not a substitute for working with a psychotherapist. 

How is Therapy With a Psychotherapist Different From Using AI?

Psychotherapy and AI are fundamentally different:

The primary distinctions between AI and psychotherapy include:

The Therapeutic Relationship: 

• Psychotherapy: The therapeutic relationship between a client and therapist is central to psychotherapy. Healing occurs through a felt, trusted human relationship. In addition to what is said, therapists are attuned to non-verbal cues like voice tone, micro-expressions, posture and silences. Many psychotherapists who are trained to work in a psychodynamic way also tune into the client's conscious and unconscious gestures.  When psychotherapists and clients work together, whether it is online or in person, there is a right-brain-to-right brain attunement between therapist and client which enhances the client's healing.

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI operates on textual inputs. It cannot form a relational bond or therapeutic alliance with a client. Although it can mimic validation, it generates language statistically rather than experiencing an emotional connection with the client. 

Therapeutic Empathy:

• Psychotherapy: Therapeutic empathy is an essential part of healing in psychotherapy. Therapists are trained to develop empathy for clients and help clients to develop empathy and self compassion  (see my article: Why Is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?).

Psychotherapy With a Live Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: An AI chatbot can adjust its responses based on sentiment analysis and learning algorithms, but lack the emotional bandwidth which is found with human psychotherapists. It can mimic empathy, but it cannot feel it. It could possibly guide, but it can't witness. 

Clinical Judgment vs Pattern Recognition

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists spend years training to diagnose conditions, assess complex safety risks and change treatment based on clients' responses.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI evaluates texts based on probability and patterns from their training data. It struggles with deeply complex content and cannot make nuanced clinical choices.

Crisis Management and Safety

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists are legally bound to intervene during a crisis. Therapists actively build therapeutic plans for conditions such panic attacks or psychological trauma.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs A.I.

• AI: Chatbots cannot manage a crisis and often default to crisis-line referrals. If they fail to read the situation appropriately, they can provide inappropriate and stigmatizing advice.

Accountability and Ethics

• Psychotherapy: Mental health practitioners operate under strict state boards, ethical codes and HIPAA privacy laws.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI.: Chatbot platforms are corporate products not medical entities. Data privacy rules can vary widely which raises the risk regarding how sensitive personal information is stored and shared.

Intended Outcomes

• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy is designed to foster psychological breakthroughs, process deep-seated trauma and build long term, structural psychological changes.

Psychotherapy With a Licensed Therapist vs Using A.I.

• AI: AI cannot foster psychological breakthroughs. It is best suited as an adjunct to therapy for accessing certain behavioral tools like reflection prompts, mood tracking or breathing exercises between psychotherapy sessions. 

Conclusion

The future of mental health will not be a choice between working with a human psychotherapist versus texting a chatbot.

In moments of crisis where psychotherapy is unavailable, like in a war-torn country, AI can provide information, but it has limitations.  

In terms of psychological healing, the human-to-human contact that available in psychotherapy is essential and irreplaceable for psychological healing.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why is Empathy Important For Healing in Psychotherapy?

The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience 

The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy 

Psychotherapy as a Co-created Process Between Client and Therapist