Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

In an earlier article I discussed how to Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If you haven't read that article, I suggest you click on the link above to read it.

Complaining vs Criticizing

As a brief recap, Dr. John Gottman, a world renown relationship expert and author, used the phrase "four horsemen of the apocalypse" to emphasize the destructiveness of these four ways of communicating which can destroy a relationship.

What Are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse include: 

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

In the earlier article I discuss each one in detail.

In this article I'm focusing on the difference between a complaint and a criticism because people often confuse them with each other.  

I'm also discussing the destructiveness of contempt, how criticism can lead to contempt and how stonewalling affects a relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Complaint and a Criticism?

Whereas criticism is an attack on a person's character or personality, a complaint is about a person's behavior.

An Example of a Complaint:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday."

Notice that the complaint focused on something that the other person did and how it made the partner complaining feel. It's usually about something that happened or is happening.  It's not a general attack on the other partner.

An Example of a Criticism:

"You're so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

Complaining vs Criticizing

Notice that the criticism focused on the partner's character.  Also, the partner who is criticizing doesn't use an "I" message to reflect how they feel or how they were affected.  

An Example of a Complaint With Criticism:

People often combine complaints with criticism:

"I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. You were so insensitive and irresponsible to forget my birthday."

In the example above where a complaint is combined with criticism, the person who is saying this to their partner undermines their message because their partner is likely to focus on the criticism of their character instead of the complaint.  This will often lead to a bigger argument where each person is criticizing the other.

Instead of addressing their partner's hurt feelings, the other partner will probably get defensive, which is also one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen. This will lead the couple even farther astray.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Defensiveness usually involves becoming reactive without listening to what your partner is saying (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Defensiveness is a negative defense mechanism that people use when they want to deny, dismiss or deflect what their partner is saying.  

People who use defensiveness often use it when they feel unworthy because of their partner's complaint, criticism or contempt.

They might try to externalize the problem by blaming their partner, other people or other circumstances when they might really know they were at fault.

Sometimes people use defensive strategies when they're lying, trying to hide the truth or feeling guilty.

Whichever defensive strategy they use, they're not taking responsibility.

An Example of Defensiveness in Response to Criticism:

"I have a lot of things on my mind. You can't expect me to remember everything!"

Complaining vs Criticizing

This often leads couples to argue about who is shouldering more responsibility, who is busier, who is more giving, and so on.  

Instead of addressing the partner's hurt feelings about forgetting their birthday, they're escalating into other topics instead of addressing the current problem.  

This often reflects a couple's negative cycle in their relationship where they're unable to resolve problems.

How Can Criticism Lead to Contempt?

Contempt can be used without or without criticism.

When couples have a tendency to use criticism in their arguments, they can devolve into showing contempt for each other. 

According to Dr. Gottman, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen and, if it's a big part of a couple's communication pattern, contempt can destroy the relationship.

Complaining vs Contempt

Contempt is when you express scorn and convey you feel your partner is worthless and beneath your consideration.

If you show contempt for a partner, you're acting in a mean and disdainful way.

Contempt can be shown with words, a facial expression or a gesture.

Examples of contempt include:

• Mocking your partner
• Using sarcasm or hostile humor
• Treating your partner with disrespect
• Calling your partner names
• Mimicking your partner in a hostile way
• Rolling your eyes at them
• Sneering at them
• Conveying your moral, ethical or characterological superiority over your partner

When you show contempt, you're essentially telling your partner that you're better than them.

The reason why ongoing contempt can destroy a relationship is that it's usually fueled by long-standing negative thoughts and feelings about a partner and it can lead to more criticism and contempt.

As a result, conflicts aren't resolved.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another one of the four horsemen described by Dr. Gottman.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when you and/or your partner withdraw from communicating with each other (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

Stonewalling can include:

• Being unresponsive
• Giving the silent treatment
• Giving short answers during a discussion or argument
• Dismissing your partner's emotions or concerns
• Changing the subject
• Refusing to make eye contact 
• Refusing to answer questions
• Walking away
• Disconnecting emotionally from your partner (even if you're physically present)

Anyone can engage in stonewalling. 

Stonewalling often occurs when someone has an avoidant attachment style or someone tends to avoid conflict because it makes them feel too uncomfortable.

It occurs when someone either feels a general discomfort with talking about their emotions or they feel overwhelmed by a discussion or argument and they don't know how to say they need a break (or they don't know they need a break).

Based only on their outward appearance, someone who is stonewalling might appear like they're in a calm or neutral mood, but inside they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Whether one or both people are criticizing, showing contempt or stonewalling, problems don't get resolved.  This can lead to a pile up of unresolved arguments and resentment over time.

In my next article, I'll focus on the problem of "kitchen sinking" during an argument, which means when one or both partners bring up unrelated grievances or past grievances during an argument.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find it challenging to communicate with their partner when they're angry or hurt without using criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

This is usually because they never learned to communicate effectively in a relationship.

If you and your partner are having communication problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your partner so you can resolve problems in your relationship and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Pros and Cons of Rebound S£x After a Breakup?

According to Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., social psychologist and sex researcher, there are pros and cons to having rebound sex after a breakup (see my article:  The Problem With Rebound Relationships).

What is Rebound Sex?

Rebound sex is sexual activity with someone new to get over a breakup.  The objective is to get over an ex by having sex with someone else.

Rebound Sex

This can involve hooking up for a one-night stand with someone you have no intention of seeing again. It can be with someone you start dating after you go through a relationship breakup. It might also involve having casual sex with one of your ex-partners.

According to Dr. Lehmiller, rebound sex is more likely to occur, on average, about a month after the breakup.  He describes rebound sex as being a short term coping strategy.  

He also indicates that rebound sex is much more likely to occur if you were the one who was left behind (i.e., your partner broke up with you).

What Are the Pros and Cons of Rebound Sex?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's article in Psychology Today, while there is nothing inherently right or wrong about rebound sex, there are pros and cons depending upon the circumstances and context which can make a big difference about whether it's a positive or negative experience for you.

Pros

• Under the right circumstances and in the right context, rebound sex can be a confidence booster.

• Similarly, rebound sex can, potentially, help you to move on from a breakup (if context and circumstances are right).

Cons

• If the context and circumstances aren't right for you, you might regret having rebound sex. For instance, if you were drunk or impaired by drugs, you might have regrets afterward.  This can lower your sense of self confidence.

• If you regret having rebound sex, you might find yourself missing your ex even more intensely than before (this isn't mentioned in the Psychology Today article, but it has been my clinical experience that when clients have regrets about rebound sex, they often long for their ex, who is known and familiar).

• If rebound sex involves feelings of revenge against an ex, you might be left with regrets and unresolved feelings.

Clinical Vignettes

The following brief clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed, are examples of the pros and cons of rebound sex:

Pros

    Alice

After Alice's boyfriend of three months broke up with her, she wanted to start dating again, but she wasn't emotionally available enough to even consider getting into a serious relationship.  So, when she met Bill at a bar about a month after her breakup, she could feel they were both sexually attracted to each other and she explained her situation to him. She was honest about only wanting to have casual sex with him. Bill responded by telling her that he was just out of a long term relationship and he wasn't looking for anything serious.  

Rebound Sex: Alice and Bill

Both of them were sober and in the right state of mind to make responsible sexual decisions. So, they went back to Alice's place and had a passionate night of sex.  By the next morning, Alice felt sexually desirable again in a way she had not felt in a long time. She also felt a boost to her self confidence. Bill told her that he felt great the next morning.  After that, they met a few more times to have casual sex, but they mutually decided not to continue seeing each other because, other than sex, they had very little in common.  They both dated other people and remained friendly whenever they ran into each other. They both felt the rebound sex they had with each other helped them to move on from their breakups.

Cons

    John

After John's wife, Beth, left him in their sixth year of marriage, John was in a state of despair.  He had no awareness that Beth was so unhappy that she would end their marriage, so it came as a shock to him. Two weeks after the breakup, John felt inconsolable.  Even before the breakup, he didn't know how to handle uncomfortable emotions, so he didn't feel equipped to handle the sadness and pain that came up for him. 

Rebound Sex: John and Nina

Not knowing what to do with his emotions, he turned to alcohol and got drunk every night for two weeks.  During that time, while he was in a drunken stupor, he called Nina, a woman he dated briefly before he got married and they spent the weekend together having sex. Nina was also Beth's former college roommate.  John wanted revenge against Beth so he secretly hoped that Nina, who had unresolved issues with Beth, would tell Beth about their weekend together as a way to get back at Beth. He wanted Beth to feel as much pain as he did when she left him.  But by the time he sobered up and he realized that Nina had feelings for him and she hoped they would get back together, he knew he had made a mistake because he didn't tell Nina that this was just rebound sex and he had no intention of getting back with her. He felt even worse when Beth called him and told him that Nina told her that she and John had sex. Beth told him she couldn't believe he would act out this way to hurt her. Then, he felt even worse and regretted having rebound sex.

Communicate Openly and Honestly With Rebound Sex Partners

As these two vignettes illustrate, it's important to be open and honest with your partner about what you want when you want rebound sex as illustrated in the vignette about Alice.

You want to make sure you and the other person are in agreement that you both only want casual sex and neither of you is looking for anything more, which was also illustrated in the vignette about Alice.

If you don't communicate honestly, there's the potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings as illustrated in the vignette about John.

Don't have rebound sex to get revenge on your ex because everyone involved might get hurt, which was also illustrated in the vignette about John.

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times, especially after a breakup, when you might not know what you want.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to explore your feelings and make choices that are right for you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How a Woman's Negative Body Image Can Affect 1ntimacy in a Relationship and How Therapy Can Help

Both men and women can be affected by a negative body image, but it's more common among women (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

What is a Negative Body Image For Women?

A negative body image refers to body dissatisfaction and a preoccupation with what women perceive as "bodily flaws" and "imperfections."

A Woman With a Negative Body Image

This means women are often unhappy about how they look, so they think they must change their body in terms of size and/or shape.  

How Does a Negative Body Image Develop For Women?

Western culture tends to value girls' and women's bodies that are young and thin.  

This is easily observed in social media, like Instagram, in magazines and many other forms of media (see my article: How to Stop Negatively Comparing Yourself to Others).

Girls and women get the message early on that, in order to appear attractive, they must strive to maintain a youthful and thin appearance or they won't be desirable.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Start at a Young Age

Unfortunately, many girls get the same message in their homes where one or both parents, grandparents or siblings criticize them for not having what they consider the "ideal" body.  

Women's romantic and sexual partners might also be critical of a woman's body--even if they try to frame their criticism as "I'm just trying to help you."

All of this criticism about body image can cause self consciousness, shame and guilt as women strive to live up to a standard of beauty that is often unattainable for most people.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Mental Health?

Girls and women who feel unattractive because their body doesn't look a particular way are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, low self esteem and eating disorders.

They might develop anxiety about social situations where they fear they'll be judged.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Mental Health

They might also avoid going to the beach because they feel too ashamed of people looking at them critically in a bathing suit.

They might also avoid dating and/or sexual encounters because they fear their body will be judged.

All of this social avoidance can leave them feeling isolated and lonely.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship?

A negative body image can have a negative impact on emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship.

Women who feel ashamed of their body might avoid having sex for fear of being judged by their partner or, if they have sex, they might be too anxious and self conscious to enjoy it. 

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Relationship

If they do have sex with a partner, they might just go through the motions and hope to get through sex as quickly as possible.

They might also project their dissatisfaction with their body onto their romantic and sexual partners, which can cause women to believe that their partner feels disgusted by their body when, in fact, this often isn't the case.

All of this can lead to poor relationship and sexual satisfaction for both partners. 

In many cases, the woman might be too ashamed to talk about her poor body image issues so that the partner might assume that her emotional and sexual avoidance is due to her finding him less attractive and desirable.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette shows the impact of a woman's negative body issues and how sex therapy can help:

June and Mark

When June was growing up, her mother would monitor everything that she ate from the time June was 10 years old.  

Her mother was also preoccupied with her own food consumption and weight. She would exercise several times a day to burn off the calories she ingested.

Her mother would often caution June not to eat too much, "If you eat too much and get fat, the boys won't like you."

June's older sister, Marie, who was tall and thin, would also criticize June when they were both teenagers, "You're too fat. You need to go on a diet."

Even though June's doctor told her and her mother that June was a normal weight for her age, June continued to hear criticism about being fat from both her mother and sister while her father remained silent on the topic.

By the time June was in her early 30s and in a serious relationship with Mark, she worried that he would find her unattractive--even though he reassured her many times that he found her very attractive.

Due to her negative body image, she never initiated sex, which was a source of contention between her and Mark. 

Even though she knew objectively that Mark wouldn't reject her because he never did, on an emotional level she feared that he wouldn't want to have sex with her if she was the one who initiated. She felt that if he initiated sex, she knew he wanted to be sexual and she wouldn't have to face his rejection, even though she knew this was irrational.

No matter how much Mark tried to reassure June that he loved her and he found her very attractive, she couldn't overcome her fear.

During sex, June felt so ashamed of her body that she just wanted them to get through it as quickly as possible so she could cover herself up. 

After a while, Mark felt less inclined to initiate sex, so weeks and months went by where they weren't having sex.

When they began talking about moving in together, Mark brought up their nonexistent sex life and suggested they get help in sex therapy before they considered living together.

Although June felt hesitant to attend sex therapy because she didn't know what to expect, she agreed to attend these sessions with Mark to salvage their relationship.

During sex therapy sessions, their sex therapist told them how common it is for women to have a negative image of their body.

She also explained to them that sex therapy is a form of talk therapy and there would be no physical touch, nudity or physical exams during their sessions.

Their sex therapist worked with them as a couple and she also had individual sessions with June and Mark.

During June's family history session, June realized how her upbringing affected her perception of her body.  

Their sex therapist also helped June to challenge these views through Ego States Therapy, also known as Parts Work Therapy, by asking the critical part of herself to step aside and relax so that the positive parts of herself could be strengthened and help to affirm her body image (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

Their therapist also helped June to use mindfulness and self compassion to deal with her negative perception of her body (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

She also helped June to focus on sexual pleasure during solo sex and sex with Mark instead of focusing on her body as the couple resumed having sex again.

Gradually, June developed body self acceptance and a positive erotic self (see my articles: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

After a while, June felt comfortable enough with her body to initiate sex with Mark so that sex was more pleasurable for both of them.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but both June and Mark were motivated to attend sessions and make changes.

Over time, June and Mark's emotional bond and sexual relationship were strengthened.

Whenever June felt the negative part of herself that was critical of her body creeping in, she gently asked it to step aside so the healthier parts of herself could take precedence.  

After a while, the part of herself that was critical of her body came up less and less until it stopped altogether.

Mark also learned in sex therapy how to be more sexually affirming of June in the way he related to her.

Their successful work in sex therapy enabled them to move in together and have a satisfying emotional and sexual connection.

Conclusion

Men and women can have negative feelings about their body.  For men, this might include shame about penis size, height and other physical characteristics and distortions.

This article focuses on women's negative body issues, which can develop at an early age, because negative body issues are more prevalent among women.

A negative body image which is affecting emotional and sexual intimacy is a common issue  that is dealt with in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Whether you are single or in a relationship, if you're suffering with a negative body issue, you're not alone.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If a negative body issue is having an impact on how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or physical contact during sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individuals and couples are helped in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EMDR Therapy Online is Just as Effective as in Person

Like many psychotherapists these days, I have a hybrid private practice in New York with in person and online sessions.

I know many people are apprehensive about doing online therapy because they believe it won't be as effective as in person therapy. 

I also believed this--until the pandemic made it necessary for therapists and clients to switch from in person to online therapy and I had to try working with clients online.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my experience with online therapy, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, has been just as effective as in person sessions (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

EMDR Online is Just as Effective as in Person

A lot of clients are also surprised to hear that EMDR can be done online, so when they ask me what the difference is between EMDR therapy in person and EMDR online, my response is that the EMDR protocol is exactly the same online as it is in person. 

In other words, the eight phases of EMDR therapy remain the same and the protocol for setting up EMDR sessions is the same.  

What might be different are some minor adjustments to the Bilateral Stimulation used during EMDR (see my article: What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?).

The reason I say might be different is that, depending upon the client's and therapist's preferences for doing BLS, BLS can often be done the same way online as it is in person.  

For instance, if there is a preference for bilateral tapping (the client tapping on their knees or upper arms) this can be done the same way online as it's done in person and this type of tapping is just as effective as eye movements or auditory tones.

Advantages of Online EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy online has the same advantages as online talk therapy, including but not limited to:

• You Experience Therapy in the Comfort and Safety of Your Home: Some clients prefer to be in the comfort and safety of their own home when they're processing trauma. 

• You Save on Travel Time and Cost: Commuting can be expensive and time consuming, even if you live within New York City, Also, if you're late for a therapy session due to public transportation or traffic, you probably won't get the full hour because therapists often have clients scheduled back to back. Whereas if you're having an online session, you just need to go to where you have your phone, computer or iPad in your home.

EMDR Online is Just as Effective as in Person

• You Experience the Benefit of Greater Access to Therapy: For many clients traveling into New York City might not be feasible on a weekly basis. For instance, if you live in Long Island, Westchester, Upstate New York or anywhere within New York State that isn't Manhattan, you might not find it practical to travel to Manhattan every week, especially if you don't work in Manhattan. Also, there might not be an EMDR therapist in your area, but as long as you live within New York State, you can have online access to therapists anywhere in New York State, including New York City.

The Choice is Yours: In Person, Online EMDR Therapy or a Combination of Both

Whether you do in person or online EMDR therapy, if you are a candidate for EMDR therapy, the choice is yours.

Even if you choose in person therapy, you might have days when you can't commute to Manhattan for a particular reason, so you might need to do a combination of in person and online at times.

Conclusion

Many clients who haven't experienced online therapy are apprehensive about trying it. However, in my experience, most clients who try online therapy, whether it's EMDR or another type of therapy, are often pleasantly surprised to discover that they like it and some even prefer it.

EMDR therapy is just as effective online as it is in person.

In order to do online therapy, you need to have a reliable Internet connection for a cell phone, iPad or computer.  You also need to have privacy to make sure your sessions are confidential.

As of this writing, you must either live in the state where your therapist is licensed to do online therapy or you must be able to come to a therapist's office (even if you live in a different state). This law might change at some point, so check laws in your state.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person in my Greenwich Village office and online on Zoom (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a safe and effective therapy for processing trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Bilateral Stimulation as Part of EMDR Therapy

EMDR has been used to treat trauma since the late 1980s when it was developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro. 

In addition to being a clinician, Dr. Shapiro was also a researcher, so she did EMDR research which demonstrated the effectiveness of EMDR to process trauma.

A key component of EMDR therapy is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS).

What is Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) in EMDR Therapy?

Let's start by defining BLS.

BLS is the use of a stimulus that activates both sides of the brain and the body which allows the processing of memories, emotions and bodily sensations which are "stuck" in the nervous system as a result of trauma.

By activating both sides of the brain and body, BLS allows more effective processing of trauma than regular talk therapy.  

Bilateral Stimulation as Part of EMDR Therapy

Clients often report feeling less distressed by traumatic memories while using BLS because BLS has an integrative function. 

In other words, instead of being "stuck," traumatic memories get integrated with other experiences so that, over time, a client's distress level decreases until these memories are no longer distressing.

In the late 1980s, when Dr. Shapiro was developing EMDR therapy, BLS only consisted of eye movements (eyes moving back and forth while following the therapist's hand).

As other EMDR therapists contributed to the development of EMDR therapy, they discovered that other types of BLS worked just as well as eye movements. 

So for instance, many EMDR therapists had clients hold a set of tappers in their hands for BLS.  The tappers buzzed back and forth from the right side to the left and back again. These therapists discovered that tappers were just as effective as using eye movements as a form of BLS.

Dr. Laurel Parnell, who developed Attachment-Focused EMDR therapy, is known for using tapping as BLS where either the therapist or the client taps alternately on their arms or knees.  

Some clients like to listen to music with headphones where the music goes from one ear to the other back and forth. 

The advantage of using BLS that doesn't involve moving the eyes back and forth is that clients can close their eyes while processing a traumatic memory so they can tune into what's happening in their body, which is an important part of EMDR therapy, a mind-body oriented therapy.

Why is BLS Used in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR research has shown that using BLS as a key component to EMDR therapy and makes it a powerful modality for processing trauma, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), other forms of anxiety and depression--to name just a few mental health issues where EMDR has been found to be highly effective.

Other Forms of BLS in Everyday Life

Aside from EMDR therapy, there are other forms of BLS in our everyday life.

Common examples of bilateral stimulation in everyday life include:

• Walking or Running: When you walk or run, you move one leg and then the other so that walking becomes a bilateral experience.

• Swimming: When you swim, you alternate using your arms and legs, which is a bilateral experience.

• Biking: When you ride a bike, you alternate each leg as you pedal, which is a bilateral experience.

People often report that when they walk, run, swim or bike, they feel better.  Many people say they come up with solutions to problems even if they're not actively thinking about these problems.

People also report feeling more relaxed after engaging in one of these activities, similar to how many clients experience BLS as part of EMDR therapy.

How is BLS Related to Memory Reconsolidation?

BLS is thought to be similar to REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.  

REM is a phase of sleep where memories are reconsolidated.

Since BLS activates both sides of the brain, similar to REM, it allows for communication and integration between fragmented parts of traumatic memories which have been stored in different parts of the brain.

EMDR Processing and Memory Reconsolidation

During EMDR reprocessing of a traumatic memory, the memory is brought back into consciousness during BLS and it is restored into long term memory with less vividness and intensity.  This is how memories that are "stuck" get "unstuck."

Over time, processing traumatic memories using BLS during EMDR sessions, makes the traumatic memories less distressing. When memories are restored in long term memory with less distress, the client experiences emotional healing.

They also understand on an emotional level (not just on a cognitive level) that the trauma is from the past and they no longer feel the negative impact in the present (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

This process is not something that happens in just a few sessions, especially if the trauma is longstanding and complex.  However, EMDR therapy is usually faster and more effective than regular talk therapy.

Also, see my article: EMDR Therapy Online is Just as Effective as EMDR in Person

Getting Help in EMDR Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve traumatic experiences on your own, you could benefit from working with a Trauma Therapist who does EMDR therapy.

Getting Help in EMDR Therapy

See my article: EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough)

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome unresolved trauma using EMDR therapy and other forms of trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Unresolved Trauma Can Make It Difficult For You to Feel Secure Even in a Healthy Relationship

Anxiety can be a useful signal when you're in a dangerous situation. 

For instance, if you're walking in the woods and there's been a report of a bear lurking around, your anxiety can trigger your self-protective instincts to be on the lookout for the bear.

Early Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

But when you feel anxiety about your relationship when you know objectively you're in a healthy relationship, your anxiety is misplaced and this could be a sign that the problem is rooted in the past.

See my articles: 

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

When Your Traumatic Past is Triggering You in the Present

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how past trauma can affect a current relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Gina

Several months before Gina started trauma therapy, she felt very happy and grateful to be in her relationship with Bill.  But six months into her relationship, she began to feel anxious for no apparent reason. Nothing had changed in her relationship with Bill, but she was overwhelmed with insecurity and a sense of impending doom.  

After talking to her close friends, who knew Gina had a long history of unresolved trauma, Gina began trauma therapy to try to understand how her family history might be affecting her experience in her relationship.

During the history taking session, Gina described a tumultuous family history which included significant attachment trauma including the death of her father before she was born and many uprootings in terms of her mother and Gina relocating almost every year to a new state.  

As a result of her attachment trauma and all the moving around from state to state, Gina had a lot of difficulty making friends because every time she formed friendships, she experienced the loss of those friends when she and her mother moved out of state.

Gina also had a history of good relationships where, similar to her relationship with Bill, she would be happy during the first few months, but then she would become anxious for no particular reason. 

Even though there was no objective reason to believe that her current boyfriend, Bill, would leave her, she was preoccupied with fear of abandonment and she would need a lot of reassurance from him that he wasn't going to end the relationship (see my article: Relationships and Fear of Abandonment).

Over time, Gina learned in therapy how her traumatic history was affecting her current relationship. 

Her trauma therapist used various modes of Experiential Therapy to help Gina to work on her early trauma so her early experiences would no longer be the source of her insecurity, anxiety and fear of abandonment in her current relationship., including the following trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Gradually, over time, Gina was able to separate her anxiety about her past traumatic experiences from her current experiences in her relationship (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Separating the Traumatic Past From the Present

This enabled Gina to be present in her relationship with Bill in a way she had not been able to do before she did trauma therapy.  As she worked through her early trauma, she was able to respond to Bill in a loving and trusting way.

Conclusion

You might know objectively that you're in a secure, healthy relationship, but past traumatic experiences can make you feel anxious and insecure in an otherwise good relationship.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and other types of trauma therapy, were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma in a more effective way than regular talk therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you think your traumatic past is having a negative impact on your current circumstances, you could benefit from trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.