Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

In my prior article, Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship, I described a negative dynamic that many couples get stuck in after they have been together a while. 

That article also has a composite vignette about a couple and their underlying dynamics that contributed to their negative cycle. 

Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship

If you haven't read the prior article, please review it here so you can follow the continuation of this topic in the current article.

I'm continuing with the same vignette to show how Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples helps couples to break and, eventually, to prevent negative cycles from occurring.

As a brief recap: The negative cycle is a repeating pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors within a relationship that cause distress.  This ongoing cycle erodes relationships if couples don't learn to break and prevent the cycle.

Aside from their repetitive nature, negative cycles create difficulties for couples because they don't know how to get out of them and they don't understand the underlying unconscious issues that fuel these dynamics.

Clinical Vignette - Part 2

The following is a continuation of the vignette about Tom and Jane from my prior article:

Tom and Jane

Since Tom and Jane were unaware of the concept of a negative cycle, they had no way to address it on their own.  They knew they needed professional help, so Tom and Jane sought help from an Emotionally Focused Therapy couples (EFT) therapist who was also a sex therapist.

By the time they sought help, Tom and Jane were so stuck in their negative cycle that they were having frequent arguments. In addition, their relationship had become so contentious that they were hardly having sex.  

Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship

After getting detailed family, relationship and sexual histories, their EFT couples therapist helped them to de-escalate enough so they could talk to each other calmly. 

Then, she explained the concept of the negative cycle in relationships so they could begin the work of repairing their relationship. 

Jane talked about how unhappy she was because she felt Tom had so little regard for her feelings. She had told him many times that maintaining order in their apartment was important to her sense of well being.  She said she felt hurt that he didn't take into account how anxious she felt when he multi-tasked while doing housework so that the environment in the apartment was chaotic. 

Jane said she felt he must not love her if he continued to create a chaotic environment at home even though he knew this upset her so much.  She gave an example of how he left laundry in the dryer, instead of folding clothes right away, so that the clothes became wrinkled.  

"I know this might sound petty and ridiculous," Jane said to the couples therapist, "but the wrinkled laundry and the chaos he creates when he's doing chores makes me anxious. He knows this, so why would he continue to do it if he loved me?"

When it was Tom's turn, he told the couples therapist that he has his own way of doing things and he didn't want to be dictated to by Jane and treated like a child. He said he liked to multi-task because that's how he does things and, in the end, everything gets done and the household is neat and orderly afterwards. He admitted he could do a better job with the laundry, but he felt Jane's reaction was out of proportion to the situation.

"I feel so unappreciated and unloved by Jane." Tom told the couples therapist, "I just can't understand why she's making such a big thing about this. We keep arguing about the same thing and it has taken a toll on our relationship. If she really loved me, she would just relax about it."

Since the therapist had already taken a family history from each of them, she had a good idea that the unconscious underlying issues were for each of them was their history of unresolved trauma:

Jane's Unresolved Trauma

Jane grew up in a chaotic household with alcoholic parents. As a young child, she functioned as a parent to her younger siblings because there was no one else to do it.

Not only was this overwhelming for such a young girl, it was also traumatic and remained unresolved for Jane because she had never worked through these issues in therapy.  

It was apparent that Jane's unresolved trauma was getting triggered in her relationship with Tom whenever he created a mess in the apartment, but she didn't see the connection between her childhood trauma and her current situation.

Tom's Unresolved Trauma

Tom was an only child who grew up feeling unloved and unappreciated by his parents because they paid little attention to him.  

He tried to elicit their love and attention by excelling at school and in sports, but his parents were preoccupied with their work. Their praise was meager, so Tom grew up feeling unloved and unappreciated.

It was apparent that Tom's unresolved trauma was getting triggered whenever Jane criticized him and he felt unloved and unappreciated, but he had no awareness of this.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

The couples therapist knew that Jane and Tom's triggers were unconscious so they didn't understand that their relationship dynamic was triggering these old unresolved childhood wounds.

Over time, she helped Jane and Tom to make their unconscious issues conscious so they could understand the connection (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).  

She also helped them to stop blaming each other and to focus on breaking their negative cycle.  This was a crucial part of the work because it allowed Jane and Tom to come together as a team, instead of fighting with each other.

Their therapist helped them to understand how each of their attachment styles affected their dynamic (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Their couples therapist helped them to develop the tools to interrupt their negative cycle so they could each calm down and discuss their problems calmly.  

After they interrupted their negative cycle, they would each take time to get grounded and centered using the coping mechanisms they learned from their EFT couples therapist.

They each learned to regulate their own emotions as well as provide emotional co-regulation for each other.  

After she taught them to interrupt their negative cycle, over time, she helped Tom and Jane to prevent the negative cycle from occurring by teaching them to create an attachment-friendly environment for their relationship, as discussed in Julie Menanno's book, Secure Love.

An Attachment-Friendly Environment For a Relationship

The EFT therapist taught them to:

• Develop empathy for each other
• 
  
• Respond with curiosity without criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling

• Build trust and emotional connection

• Validate each other's feelings--even if their own experience was different from their partner (see my article: Using Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Be emotionally vulnerable with each other

• Increase their window of tolerance so they increased their emotional resilience

Sex Therapy

Learning to prevent their negative cycle enabled Tom and Jane to work with their EFT couples therapist,who was also a sex therapist, to improve their sex life.

    See my articles:

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Over time, they were able to have enjoyable sex that was better than before their negative cycle began.

Working in Trauma Therapy to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

Tom and Jane each attended individual therapy with trauma therapists to work through their individual histories of trauma.

Tom chose an EMDR therapist and Jane worked with a Somatic Experiencing therapist so they were no longer triggered by unresolved childhood trauma.

Conclusion

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Tom and Jane learned to prevent their negative cycle from occurring by overcoming their underlying unresolved issues.

Breaking the Negative Cycle in a Relationship

They also learned how to interact with each other in a healthy way by creating an attachment-friendly environment for their relationship by developing empathy, trust, emotional connection, an expanded emotional capacity and practicing emotional vulnerability and validation.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

The negative cycle is difficult to overcome on your own because you and your partner might not see the unconscious issues beneath the surface, and even if you see these issues, they're difficult to change on your own without the help of a skilled couples therapist.

If you and your partner are struggling with a negative cycle, get help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples to help them to overcome unresolved problems, including a history of trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In her book, Secure Love,  Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples therapist Julie Menanno, LMFT, discusses how couples can strengthen the bonds of love in their relationship by breaking the negative cycle that keeps them stuck with unresolved problems.

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

I began a discussion about the negative cycle in a prior article, Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck.

In the current article I'm focusing on how you can identify the negative cycle in your relationship. 

What Are Negative Cycles?

Most couples don't start their relationship with a negative cycle because the first stage of the relationship is usually the honeymoon stage where there's so much exciting new relationship energy that the negative cycle often doesn't come up (see my article: What Are the 3 Phases of the Honeymoon Stage?).

The honeymoon phase, which is also known as limerence, usually lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.  After that, new relationship energy tends to decrease and each person begins to see the flaws and problems in their relationship.

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

After the honeymoon phase, when the first conflict hits, the argument usually runs its course and the partners reconnect without too much of a problem.  Sometimes this happens with each person agreeing that they don't want to argue and making up is relatively easy that first time.

But after a while, certain themes emerge as problems in the relationship. These themes create ongoing conflict.  

Although the couple might eventually make up after each argument, their relationship takes a hit every time they argue because they're not addressing the negative cycle in these conflicts and they often don't even realize there's a negative cycle.

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

After each argument they might promise each other to improve their communication, but if they continue to ignore the underlying issues in these arguments--either because they don't know what the issues are or they're avoiding dealing with these issues--they're going to continue to get stuck in a negative cycle.

As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, when I work with couples who are stuck in a negative cycle, I help them to identify this dynamic.  Eventually, instead of blaming each other in endless arguments, they learn to work as a team to break the cycle that keeps them stuck.

Clinical Vignette

The following example, which is a composite of many different cases, shows a common negative cycle and the underlying issues that keep this couple stuck and having the same argument over and over again:

Tom and Jane

Three years into their marriage, Tom and Jane are stuck in a negative cycle where they argue about how Tom leaves the laundry in the dryer so that the clothes get wrinkled.

When Jane does the laundry, she folds the clothes right away so they don't get wrinkled.  In addition, Jane told Tom many times that it's important to her to do it this way.  She said that wrinkled laundry feels chaotic to her and makes her anxious when she sees it. 

But Tom likes to multi-task so when it's his turn to do the laundry, he's also cooking and doing other things around the apartment. As a result, he allows the laundry to sit in the dryer and by the time he takes the clothes out, the clothes are wrinkled.  

Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

When Jane sees the pile of wrinkled laundry, she feels frustrated, hurt and angry.  She feels upset that Tom isn't taking her feelings into account after she's told him so many times how she feels about this.

When Jane confronts him about the wrinkled laundry, Tom feels unappreciated for all he does, so he gets defensive and, by then, they're well into their ongoing negative cycle.  

Jane told Tom, "You do housework in such a chaotic way! I've told you so many times that it's important to me that you fold the laundry as soon as the clothes are dry because they get wrinkled if you leave them in the dryer. I've told you how important this is to me. Why can't you do it?  It's so simple."

Tom responded, "What's the big deal? Why do you pick on the one thing I got wrong instead of focusing on everything I did right today. I did the laundry. I cooked. I vacuumed and mopped. I took care of the recycling. I feel so unappreciated by you!"

After a while, each of them retreats to other rooms to calm down on their own.  By the time they come back together, neither of them wants to argue anymore.  There's been no resolution.  They just start talking about something else without addressing the negative cycle until the next time it happens again.

In fact, they don't recognize they have a negative cycle at this point in their relationship. They know they argue about the same types of issues, but they don't recognize these arguments as part of an ongoing dynamic.

In addition, they don't realize there are unconscious issues from the past for each of them that are getting triggered.

Over time, the negative cycle affects their sex life.  Four years into their relationship, their sex life dwindled down to once a month because their arguments created emotional and sexual distance between them.

What Are the Underlying Issues?

Looking at these arguments on the surface, Tom and Jane are arguing about wrinkled clothes.  But there are important underlying issues for each of them.

Jane's Underlying Issues

Jane grew up in a dysfunctional household with two alcoholic parents. The household was almost always chaotic with few, if any, routines.  This meant that, as the oldest child, Jane often took over her parents' responsibilities in the household, which was overwhelming for her.  

After she moved out on her own, Jane developed routines for herself at home that helped her to feel calm and emotionally centered.  

Whenever Jane discovered the wrinkled laundry, on an unconscious level, she felt unloved by Tom because it triggered old feelings from her childhood when she felt unloved by her parents.  

She didn't know these old feelings were being triggered.  She just felt that if Tom loved her, he would do what she asked him to do because he would know it was important to her.  

She didn't make the connection between her unresolved childhood trauma and the dynamic in her relationship with Tom (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Relationship).

Tom's Underlying Issues

As an only child, Tom grew up feeling unappreciated by his parents, who were often so involved with their business that they hardly had time for him. 

Tom desperately wanted his parents' love and attention.  So, he would work hard to get good grades in school and excel at sports--all in an effort to feel loved and appreciated by his parents.  

But his parents were preoccupied with their work most of the time, so they only gave him superficial praise, which was disappointing for Tom.  Often they focused on a particular flaw in something Tom did instead of everything else he accomplished. This left Tom feeling unappreciated and unlovable.

Every time Jane confronted him about wrinkled laundry without appreciating how much else he was doing in their home, on an unconscious level, Tom felt unloved and unappreciated because Jane's criticism triggered old feelings from his childhood. 

He didn't know these old feelings were being triggered.  He just felt that if Jane loved him, she would appreciate his overall effort at home and she wouldn't focus on the one thing she thought he did wrong.  

He didn't make the connection between his unresolved childhood trauma and the dynamic in his relationship with Jane.

Identifying the Negative Cycle

On the surface, it appears that Jane and Tom's problems are about wrinkled laundry, which might seem trivial.  

But when the underlying issues are taken into account, it becomes obvious that there's a lot more going on than meets the eye.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples helps each individual in a relationship to look for the unconscious triggers that are affecting their relationship so they can address those issues in couples therapy.

If these underlying issues aren't addressed, couples continue to repeat the negative cycle, which will erode their relationship over time.

Next Article

In my next article, Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, I'll show you how Tom and Jane break the negative cycle in their relationship in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Over 30 years of research has revealed that Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is an effective form of couples therapy that has been empirically validated.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed EFT couples therapist so you can break the negative cycle and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples to help them resolve their problems, including problems related to unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is an essential part of being in a committed relationship.

Emotional Co-Regulation in a Relationship

The ability to be emotionally vulnerable enough to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional support is an important skill that many couples struggle with in their relationship.

What is Emotional Self Regulation?

In order to understand emotional co-regulation, it's important to understand how emotional self regulation develops.

Emotional self regulation is the ability to manage thoughts and emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Self Regulation

The emotional self regulation process begins in infancy with a nurturing caregiver who provides stable and consistent care and support for the baby.

Emotional self regulation develops over time with a caregiver who can manage their own emotions and helps the baby to manage theirs.

For instance, when a baby cries, their caregiver is there to pick up and soothe the baby by holding them, speaking to them in a soothing voice and taking care of their basic physical and emotional needs so the baby calms down and feels secure.

When a crying baby is soothed by a caregiver, the baby becomes aware over time that their caregiver is there to help them manage their emotions.  Even though the a baby has no explicit thoughts or words to express this awareness, they internalize the sense of feeling comforted.

In other words, if the baby experiences the caregiver as being consistent in providing care and nurturance, the baby has an implicit sense of being loved and cared for by the caregiver.  They internalize the sense that the caregiver will be there for them when they are in distress as well as when they're feeling good.

To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, the caregiver doesn't need to be perfect--just "good enough" to help the baby to develop physically, emotionally and psychologically.

A Caregiver Soothes Her Distressed Infant

Under good enough circumstances, this child will develop a secure attachment to the caregiver.  

Other circumstances can develop over time which can challenge secure attachment, including childhood trauma, caregiver trauma, and so on.  

For instance, if the child becomes overwhelmed by ongoing physical or emotional neglect, the child can develop insecure attachment with the caregiver, which has negative implications for relationships with others, including adult relationships when this child becomes an adult.

For the purposes of understanding how emotional self regulation works, let's assume that circumstances are good enough and this securely attached relationship with the caretaker enables the child to develop a healthy foundation for emotional self regulation skills. 

Aside from providing a warm and responsive relationship, a nurturing caregiver also provides the child with a stable and safe home environment.  

The caregiver, who is able to manage their own emotions, also models self regulation skills for the child as the child becomes older and more aware of the caregiver's emotions.

When the child is overwhelmed, the caregiver uses their own emotional regulation skills to soothe the child. This allows the child to internalize a sense that even big emotions can be managed with the caregiver's help.  This is co-regulation between the caregiver and the child.

This secure foundation, in turn, helps this individual to develop other healthy relationships as they mature into adulthood.  

What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Humans are hard-wired from birth for attachment throughout the life cycle.

Someone who developed healthy emotional self regulation with their caregiver still needs other close relationships to fulfill their emotional needs.

Over time, an individual, who is able to form relationships with other relatives, friends, mentors, coaches, psychotherapists, romantic relationships and other adult relationships, can have these emotional needs fulfilled.

Examples of Emotional Co-Regulation

Adult emotional co-regulation can take many forms, including

• Getting together with a buddy to talk about something upsetting
• Talking to a business mentor about a problem at work
• Seeking help in therapy to deal with an unresolved problem
• Talking to their pastor or rabbi for emotional support and advice
• Seeking emotional support and advice from an older sibling about a problem
• Seeking emotional support from a partner or spouse about a problem, including problems in their relationship.

Turning to Your Partner for Emotional Co-Regulation

The examples above show how, even when someone knows how to self regulate, emotional co-regulation can occur in many circumstances with friends, mentors, relatives, religious leaders, therapists and partners when self regulation isn't enough.

Most people would agree that when you're in a committed relationship, you also want to be able to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional co-regulation.  

Yet, emotional co-regulation with a partner or spouse is very difficult for many people because they struggle to be vulnerable with their partner (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability is a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

This is especially true for individuals who have an insecure attachment style where they didn't have good enough experiences with their primary caregiver or where other traumatic circumstances occurred that makes it hard for them to trust enough to be vulnerable.

Next Article

In the next article I'll focus emotional co-regulation in relationships, including overcoming an ongoing negative cycle in your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even the most well adjusted individual can encounter circumstances that are so stressful that they are beyond their ability to cope.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary skills to work through your problems so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Psychological Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

I began a discussion about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset in a prior article (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?).

A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship

In the current article I'm focusing on how a growth mindset can improve your relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset in Relationships?

People who have a fixed mindset in their relationship believe that change isn't possible. 

They believe neither they nor their partner can develop new skills or abilities to improve their relationship.

Since they're prone to a fixed and pessimistic attitude, they often avoid risking change even if it's for the sake of improving their relationship. 

They're also prone to giving up more easily when confronted with the need for change. As a result, these relationships often stagnate.

In addition, people with a fixed mindset often do well during the early honeymoon phase of a relationship when things are going well, but when the going gets tough, they're more likely to give up or cheat (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

This is especially true for people who believe in the idea of "soulmates" where they think relationships are either "meant to be" or not (see my article: Why You'll Be Disappointed If You Look For a "Soulmate").

So, when things aren't going well in their relationship, they think the relationship wasn't "meant to be" and, instead of trying to resolve problems within the relationship, they look for emotional and sexual gratification outside the relationship.

People who have a growth mindset see problems as opportunities to develop and grow.  Since they believe in the possibility for growth, they're more likely to take emotional risks by being emotionally vulnerable to make positive changes. They're also more likely to persevere to overcome problems.

How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

If you have a growth mindset, you're more likely to see your partner's and your own shortcomings as challenges to overcome.  

As a result, you can approach shortcomings in a more empathetic way because you believe you and your partner can improve.

A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship

If you have a willingness to develop and grow, you can deepen your understanding and trust in your partner due to your belief that things can change for the better in your relationship.

A positive mindset can also help you to be more proactive in overcoming challenges. This allows you to approach problems in a more collaborative way with your partner because you see yourselves as a team.

With a growth mindset you can also experience more compassion for yourself and your partner during challenging times.

In addition, you can experience gratitude and appreciation for your partner, which can help you to get through difficult times together.

How Can a Sexual Growth Mindset Improve Your Sex Between You and Your Partner?

The #1 reason why people seek help in sex therapy is a sexual desire discrepancy in their relationship.

The #1 Sexual Problem in Relationships: Desire Discrepancy

It's not unusual for people in long term relationships to develop stagnant sex scripts where they no longer enjoy sex (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Familiarity often helps people to feel comfortable with each other on an emotional level, but it can also create stagnation in the bedroom. 

When stagnation sets in and the couple engages in the same sexual activities without any deviation, sex becomes routine and boring.

In addition, if one person wants more sex than the other or wants to engage in different sexual activities than their partner, as in the case with sexual desire discrepancy, the person who wants more sex often stops initiating because they fear getting rejected by their partner (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

Some partners are especially sensitive to sexual rejection and rejection becomes that much more painful if the couple is having less sex with few opportunities to repair this problem.

When both people have a sexual growth mindset, they're open to being more sexually adventurous by expanding their sexual repertoire. 

They're also less sensitive to sexual rejection because they know there will be other opportunities for sexual pleasure and novelty.

A Sexual Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Sex Life

Even when sexual problems arise, a couple who has a sexual growth mindset believe they can develop the necessary skills and abilities to overcome their problems.  

They're more likely to persevere in overcoming their relational and sexual problems--whether they do this on their own or with the help of a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

If you're having sexual problems, a sex therapist can help you to improve your sex life.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exams or sexual activity during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling with relational or sexual problems on your own, seek help from a skilled therapist with an expertise in your problem so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling life together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?

How we think about ourselves and the world around us, including whether we think in terms of a growth mindset or a fixed mindset, affects every area of our lives.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People with a growth mindset see abilities and talents as learnable and capable of improvement over time.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People who have a fixed mindset see these same qualities as stable and unchangeable over time.  

Someone with a fixed mindset who is considering becoming a business owner wouldn't believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities they don't currently have. 

They would tell themselves, "I never had good business skills and that won't change, so there's no point in even trying."

Someone with a growth mindset who is considering the same endeavor would believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities.  

They would tell themselves, "Even though I don't have business skills right now, I can learn and develop those skills over time so I can accomplish my dream."

A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset in Life

We used to think the brain stopped developing in childhood, but now we know the brain continues to evolve throughout the course of life so it's possible to grow new neural networks by having new experiences, learning new skills and expanding our knowledge.  

The Brain Can Evolve Throughout the Course of Life

Someone with a fixed mindset believes whatever they have developed already can't be expanded, but someone with a growth mindset believes there can be expansion through effort and learning throughout life.

What Are the Qualities of a Growth Mindset?

People with a growth mindset

• Believe their intelligence, talents and abilities can expand and improve by taking relevant action and making an effort 

• Believe in lifelong learning

• Believe they can achieve mastery

• View constructive feedback as a learning experience and a source of information

• Accept challenges

• Believe setbacks are a temporary phase before achieving their goals

• Become motivated and inspired by others' success

What Are the Qualities of a Fixed Mindset?

People with a fixed mindset

• Believe personal traits don't change no matter how much effort is applied

• Believe intelligence, abilities and talents are static and don't change

• Believe making an effort to change intelligence and abilities is a waste of time

• View constructive feedback as personal criticism and they often become defensive

• Avoid challenges to avoid the possibility of failure

• Hide the areas they need to improve because they're afraid they will be criticized

• Give up on their goals relatively easily

What are the Advantages of a Growth Mindset?

People who have a growth mindset  

• Experiment and try new things

• Develop a sense of determination

• Correct their mistakes along the way instead of seeing them as obstacles

• Bounce back from mistakes

• View challenges as opportunities

• Try new learning strategies

• Allow their accomplishments to speak for themselves rather than seeking approval from others

• Enjoy the learning process

• Utilize constructive criticism as a way to learn and grow

• Allow themselves to feel proud of their accomplishments

Next Article: How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?

Somatic awareness is a focused attention and interpretation of the sensations, emotions and physiological states of the body.

Somatic Awareness and the Mind-Body Connection

Somatic awareness is essential to understanding the mind-body connection, especially in Experiential Therapies like: 

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Ego States Therapy

as well as other mind-body oriented therapy modalities.

What Are the Benefits of Somatic Awareness?

Being able to identify what is going in terms of the connection between what's happening between the mind and the body can help you to understand what you're experiencing in a more integrated way.

How is Somatic Awareness Used in Trauma Therapy?

Somatic awareness can also help you to recognize how trauma gets stuck in your nervous system when you're doing trauma therapy.

For instance, a trauma therapist will often ask the client to slow down to become aware of their emotions and where they feel these emotions in the body.  

This provides a deeper understanding of the client's experience for the client and the therapist.

What Are Techniques Used in Trauma Therapy to Help Clients Develop Somatic Awareness?

Here are some of the techniques that trauma therapists use during trauma therapy:

• Grounding: This technique helps clients to stay in the present moment, which is helpful when doing trauma therapy. There are many different types of grounding techniques:

• Feeling your feet on the floor

• Bringing awareness to other parts of your body

• Running water over your hand

• Tensing and relaxing your hands

• Visualizations: Visualizations help clients to calm themselves by picturing soothing images.  For instance, clients can focus on a safe or relaxing place to help them to regulate their emotions. The place can be either real or imagined. So, a client can picture a place where they have been in the past, like a beach.  They can also imagine a place they create in their mind.  As they're experiencing the calming effects of the visualization, they notice where they feel this sense of calmness in their body as well as the emotions it brings up for them (see my article: Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change).

• Body Scans: The Body Scan Meditation is a technique where clients slowly sense into their body starting from the crown of their head down to the tips of their toes to sense what sensations they're experiencing. This meditation helps clients to regulate their internal state.

• Breath Work: There are many different types of breathing exercises, like Square Breathing, which help increase clients' awareness of their emotions, physiological state and sensations in their body.

Conclusion

Somatic awareness is essential to understanding the mind-body connection.  

It is also an important part of Experiential Therapy for overcome trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Before processing trauma, trauma therapists provide clients with psychoeducation on how to do these various techniques as well as why they're important in trauma therapy.

Aside from processing trauma, somatic awareness is also effective in helping clients with anxiety, depression and other psychological challenges.

Aside from how somatic awareness can be learned in Experiential Therapy, it can also be learned in other mind-body modalities like yoga and mindfulness meditation.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own to overcome unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Overcome unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaning life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have worked with many individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.