What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?

How we think about ourselves and the world around us, including whether we think in terms of a growth mindset or a fixed mindset, affects every area of our lives.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People with a growth mindset see abilities and talents as learnable and capable of improvement over time.

The Difference Between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset

People who have a fixed mindset see these same qualities as stable and unchangeable over time.  

Someone with a fixed mindset who is considering becoming a business owner wouldn't believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities they don't currently have. 

They would tell themselves, "I never had good business skills and that won't change, so there's no point in even trying."

Someone with a growth mindset who is considering the same endeavor would believe they could develop the necessary skills and abilities.  

They would tell themselves, "Even though I don't have business skills right now, I can learn and develop those skills over time so I can accomplish my dream."

A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset in Life

We used to think the brain stopped developing in childhood, but now we know the brain continues to evolve throughout the course of life so it's possible to grow new neural networks by having new experiences, learning new skills and expanding our knowledge.  

The Brain Can Evolve Throughout the Course of Life

Someone with a fixed mindset believes whatever they have developed already can't be expanded, but someone with a growth mindset believes there can be expansion through effort and learning throughout life.

What Are the Qualities of a Growth Mindset?

People with a growth mindset

• Believe their intelligence, talents and abilities can expand and improve by taking relevant action and making an effort 

• Believe in lifelong learning

• Believe they can achieve mastery

• View constructive feedback as a learning experience and a source of information

• Accept challenges

• Believe setbacks are a temporary phase before achieving their goals

• Become motivated and inspired by others' success

What Are the Qualities of a Fixed Mindset?

People with a fixed mindset

• Believe personal traits don't change no matter how much effort is applied

• Believe intelligence, abilities and talents are static and don't change

• Believe making an effort to change intelligence and abilities is a waste of time

• View constructive feedback as personal criticism and they often become defensive

• Avoid challenges to avoid the possibility of failure

• Hide the areas they need to improve because they're afraid they will be criticized

• Give up on their goals relatively easily

What are the Advantages of a Growth Mindset?

People who have a growth mindset  

• Experiment and try new things

• Develop a sense of determination

• Correct their mistakes along the way instead of seeing them as obstacles

• Bounce back from mistakes

• View challenges as opportunities

• Try new learning strategies

• Allow their accomplishments to speak for themselves rather than seeking approval from others

• Enjoy the learning process

• Utilize constructive criticism as a way to learn and grow

• Allow themselves to feel proud of their accomplishments

Next Article: How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

This is the second part of a topic I began in a prior article, Tips on How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires, and it will be focusing on the potential pitfalls to avoid when talking to a partner (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, in his book, Tell Me What You Want, there can be potential benefits to sharing your sexual desires with a partner.

Generally speaking, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the problems for most people.  However, it's also important to point out that there can be problems you should be aware of depending upon your personal history, your partner's history, the nature of your relationship and your particular circumstances.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Only you know your partner and the nature of your relationship, so the following list of potential pitfalls may or may not apply to your situation:

• Know Your Partner First: Before you talk about your sexual desires, know your partner.  If you just started seeing someone, unless you met them on a dating site that is specifically for people who are into a particular sexual desire, like BDSM  or other sexual desires, it's generally not a good idea to have this conversation on your first date.  Take the time to get to know someone before you broach this topic.  If not, it could be TMI (too much information) and off putting for the person you've just started dating.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Be Discerning About What You Disclose to Your Partner: If you're already in a stable relationship and you know your partner tends to be sexually adventurous, you probably already have a sense of whether your partner will respond well to sexual desires you've never disclosed before.  But if you're in a relationship where you know your partner tends to be more sexually inexperienced, cautious or conservative, be discerning as to what you disclose.  

• Don't Expect to Stabilize an Unstable Relationship By Disclosing Sexual Desires:  If you're in a shaky or chaotic relationship, there are more pressing issues you and your partner need to address first.  A relationship that is already unstable can be further destabilized by disclosing desires or fantasies that are not already part of your relationship.  Work on stabilizing your relationship first.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Feel Insecure After You Disclose Your Sexual Desires: Depending upon what you disclose and how your partner feels about it, be aware that talking about certain sexual desires might cause your partner to feel insecure, uneasy or scared.  This could occur because of a partner's early traumatic history, which might include sexual abuse, their experiences in prior relationships or shame about sex or body image issues.  So be empathetic and willing to talk about the emotional issues that might come up.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Have Other Negative Reactions: Along with knowing your partner and being discerning, you also want to be aware of a potentially negative reaction your partner might have to hearing sexual desires you never expressed before.  Depending upon what you share, you might be confronted with expressions of disgust, anger or shock.  Your partner might feel you're unhappy in the relationship. So, if you're generally satisfied with the relationship but you want to explore these desires, be aware your partner might need your reassurance.  In certain circumstances, people have used their partner's sexual desires to shame their partner, gossip or to make inappropriate posts on social media. There have also been child custody cases where someone tries to prove their partner is an unfit parent based on the partner's sexual desires.  Although this isn't a everyday occurrence, it's important to be aware of the possibility, especially if you're in an unstable relationship or you anticipate problems.

• Be Aware of the Possible Negative Impact of Emotional Vulnerability After Disclosing Your Sexual Desires: This is especially true if your conversation with your partner doesn't go well.  Once you've disclosed your sexual desires or fantasies, even if you don't want to enact them in real life (you just want to talk about them), you can't take them back.  On the other hand, emotional vulnerability can be positive.  It's what often brings couples together (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship).  But if it doesn't go well, be prepared to have more than one discussion to address the negative consequences of your own or your partner's emotionally vulnerability.

• Be Aware Your Conversation Could Highlight a Need to Address Sexual Desire Discrepancy: Even though this issue is being listed as a potential pitfall, this is a common issue in relationships and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Sexual desire discrepancy doesn't automatically mean you and your partner are sexually incompatible or that your relationship is doomed.  It might seem daunting at first when you and your partner initially identify the problem, but it's only potentially negative if you and your partner ignore it, refuse to work or you're unable to work through the issue (for whatever reason).  Ignoring it can erode the relationship over time. On the other hand, addressing sexual desire discrepancy could lead to a positive outcome if you and your partner are open minded enough to work on this issue.  Many couples have successfully worked out sexual desire discrepancy with the result that their sex life and overall relationship is better than ever (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?).

Conclusion

You are the only one who knows your particular circumstances and whether it's a good idea to share your sexual desires with a partner.

Even though there are some potential pitfalls, depending upon your circumstances, having open discussions about your own and your partner's sexual desires can be fun and exciting.  

As I mentioned above, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the pitfalls for most people.

Not only can it spice up your sex life, but talking to your partner about your sexual desires can bring the two of you closer together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?

Most licensed psychotherapists are individuals who are credentialed and skilled in their areas of expertise. I believe the vast majority of psychotherapists are ethical and empathetic individuals who have their clients' best interests at heart and help their clients to overcome their psychological problems. But there can be big differences in terms of skills and experience from one psychotherapist to the next, and I believe that clients should be informed consumers, which is why I'm focusing on this issue.  

Psychotherapists are also human and, like everyone else, they make mistakes in therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular mistake called "empathic failure" where this is not an occasional problem but a recurrent problem with some psychotherapists (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?).

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?

What is Empathy?
Empathy involves a psychological process where you're able to put yourself in other people's shoes and get a sense of what they're feeling.  For instance, if your friend is upset because her dog died, even if you never had a dog in your life, you can put yourself in your friend's shoes and understand why she's upset about the loss.  You can tap into your friend's feelings and sense what she's feeling and resonate with her sadness about the loss.

What is Empathic Failure in Everyday Relationships?
Empathic failures occur all the time between friends, spouses, family members, students and teachers and so on.  Except when dealing with highly insensitive people, I believe that most instances of empathic failure occur inadvertently.

For instance, a husband might forget that his wife told him that she would like a particular perfume for her birthday. Instead, he buys her a vacuum cleaner and he feels proud of himself because it's energy efficient.

He expects that his wife will be thrilled.  But his wife's reaction is the complete opposite of what he expected--she is upset and angry because she feels he didn't hear her when she told him what she wanted.  She also feels that he sees her only as a "housewife" who cleans the apartment rather than a sensual woman.

While this might be very disappointing for his wife and it's an empathic failure, this isn't a reason to get a divorce if he is usually empathetic and they have a good relationship most of the time.  They can work out this problem and the husband can be more aware next time.

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?
When clients begin psychotherapy, they usually have a certain degree of trust that the psychotherapist is a credentialed mental health professional who will be attuned to their needs in therapy and help them to overcome the emotional problems.

Aside from all the other clinical skills that psychotherapists learn, one of the most important is how to be empathetic towards clients in therapy.  This is a skill that is honed in graduate school and, if the psychotherapist goes to postgraduate training, this skill usually developed even more.

I believe that most psychotherapists are empathetic individuals and those who go to graduate school who lack this skill are weeded out by supervisors and instructors.  That's not to say that there aren't some people who somehow make it through the screening process at times.

Even the best psychotherapists make mistakes in therapy at times, including empathic failures.  But there's a difference between a therapist who makes occasional mistakes related to empathic failure and those who do it habitually. So, let's start by defining what an empathic failure is in therapy:

An empathic failure occurs in therapy when the psychotherapist isn't attuned to the client.  This can occur in many ways:

• Forgetting important details about the client's life
• Confusing the client's history with another client
• Forgetting what the client and the therapist discussed in the prior session
• Forgetting an appointment with the client
• Focusing on the psychotherapist's life instead of focusing on the client's problems
• Projecting the psychotherapist's needs, wants, and problems onto the client
• Being dismissive of the client's needs
• Failing to be attuned to the client's emotions and mislabeling these emotions
• Failing to take responsibility for the mistakes that the psychotherapist made in therapy

and so on.

As I mentioned, even the best psychotherapists commit empathic failures at times.  For instance, a therapist, who is usually punctual and organized, can confuse his appointment schedule if the therapist is going through a very stressful time in his life.  If things were going smoothly before that, assuming that the therapist takes responsibility for the mistake, most clients would accept an apology and the therapy would continue (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

The empathic failures that I'm most concerned about are the ones that occur on a regular basis with a client who might have grown up with parents who lacked empathy for him.

Since this client grew up in an environment with chronic empathic failure, he might not recognize that he is in an unhealthy situation with his therapist.  It might seem "normal" to him because this is all that he knows.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how empathic failure can occur between a client and a therapist and steps that the client can take to take care of him or herself.

Fictional Vignette:  Mistakes Psychotherapists Make in Psychotherapy: Empathic Failure

Mike
Mike began therapy after a recent breakup. He told his new therapist that he felt unlovable and not good enough for most of his life.  This began in early childhood when his mother let him know that neither she nor his father wanted to have children, and Mike was "an accident."

He grew up feeling like he was "an inconvenience" to his parents, who paid very little attention to him.  As soon as he was old enough, they sent him to boarding school, which was a lonely experience for Mike.

When Mike looked up, he saw that his therapist had fallen asleep.  He wasn't sure what to do, so he cleared his throat hoping to wake the therapist up.  The therapist was startled by the sound and woke up with a jolt, "Oh, ah...what were you saying?"

Mike wasn't sure how much his therapist missed, so he started again at the beginning to describe his breakup and his family history.

Over the next few weeks, there were several other incidents.   There were a couple of times when Mike's therapist double booked appointments and Mike had to go home instead of seeing the therapist.

There was an incident where the therapist seemed to completely forget what Mike had told him about his family history and about the breakup, so Mike had to tell the therapist about these issues again.  Then, there was one day when Mike showed up for his regularly scheduled appointment and the therapist wasn't there.  Mike checked his voicemail to see if the therapist had left a message, but there were no messages.

Later that evening, when Mike met his close friend, Larry, and told him what had happened when Mike went to his therapist's office and the therapist wasn't there, Larry asked him questions about the therapy and if there were other problems in the therapy before this.

Mike thought about it for a minute and then told Larry about the other incidents.  While Mike spoke, Larry, who had good experiences in therapy before, listened carefully.  After Mike told him about the incidents, Larry told Mike that he needed to find another therapist because his current therapist seemed irresponsible and not attuned to Mike.

Since Larry knew Mike a long time, he also knew about Mike's childhood history and knew that Mike's experiences with his therapist were harmful.  He told Mike that he thought Mike's therapist wasn't treating him well and gave him all the reason why he thought this.  Mike listened, realized that what Larry was telling him resonated with him and that he probably had a blind spot about this.

When he went to his next session, Mike explained to his therapist why he thought the therapy wasn't working out for him and specifically why he felt he wasn't being treated well by the therapist.  His therapist looked uncomfortable, but he acknowledged that he had made mistakes with Mike.

Mike thought about it and decided that he ought to have consultations with other psychotherapists.  After two other consultations, Mike chose to work with another psychotherapist who seemed much more attuned to him.

He had one more session with his current therapist for closure and then began to meet regularly with the new therapist.  During that therapy, Mike began to understand why he had a blind spot in his former therapy.

He was also able to make connections between his history of emotional neglect with his family and the empathic failure that he experienced with his previous therapist.  This work helped Mike to feel that he deserved to be treated better in all areas of his life.

Conclusion
As I mentioned earlier, I believe that most psychotherapists are empathetic individuals who got into the mental health field to help people.

There can be empathic failures in any relationship.  Ideally, they are few and far between and when they occur, the person who made the mistake is able to admit it so there can be emotional repair.

An occasional mistake can occur in therapy, and the therapist should acknowledge the rupture and make an effort to repair the therapeutic relationship.  But when there are consistent empathic failures in psychotherapy with a particular psychotherapist, the client would do well to address these issues in therapy and to make a decision as to whether s/he wants to stay or find a different therapist.

Unfortunately, clients who grew up being emotionally neglected or abuse often have a blind spot for empathic failures because it seems "normal" to them.

Although this is a blog article and of necessity it's short, I hope it will be helpful to clients who might be experiencing consistent empathic failures in their therapy to become more aware of it and to take care of themselves by finding a therapist who can meet their needs.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with an emotional problem that you have been unable to resolve, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

A consultation or two with a therapist (or more than one therapist) can help you to decide if you and the therapist are a good match (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy to individual adults and couples (see my article: Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.