Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

This is the second part of a topic I began in a prior article, Tips on How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires, and it will be focusing on the potential pitfalls to avoid when talking to a partner (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, in his book, Tell Me What You Want, there can be potential benefits to sharing your sexual desires with a partner.

Generally speaking, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the problems for most people.  However, it's also important to point out that there can be problems you should be aware of depending upon your personal history, your partner's history, the nature of your relationship and your particular circumstances.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Only you know your partner and the nature of your relationship, so the following list of potential pitfalls may or may not apply to your situation:

• Know Your Partner First: Before you talk about your sexual desires, know your partner.  If you just started seeing someone, unless you met them on a dating site that is specifically for people who are into a particular sexual desire, like BDSM  or other sexual desires, it's generally not a good idea to have this conversation on your first date.  Take the time to get to know someone before you broach this topic.  If not, it could be TMI (too much information) and off putting for the person you've just started dating.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Be Discerning About What You Disclose to Your Partner: If you're already in a stable relationship and you know your partner tends to be sexually adventurous, you probably already have a sense of whether your partner will respond well to sexual desires you've never disclosed before.  But if you're in a relationship where you know your partner tends to be more sexually inexperienced, cautious or conservative, be discerning as to what you disclose.  

• Don't Expect to Stabilize an Unstable Relationship By Disclosing Sexual Desires:  If you're in a shaky or chaotic relationship, there are more pressing issues you and your partner need to address first.  A relationship that is already unstable can be further destabilized by disclosing desires or fantasies that are not already part of your relationship.  Work on stabilizing your relationship first.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Feel Insecure After You Disclose Your Sexual Desires: Depending upon what you disclose and how your partner feels about it, be aware that talking about certain sexual desires might cause your partner to feel insecure, uneasy or scared.  This could occur because of a partner's early traumatic history, which might include sexual abuse, their experiences in prior relationships or shame about sex or body image issues.  So be empathetic and willing to talk about the emotional issues that might come up.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Have Other Negative Reactions: Along with knowing your partner and being discerning, you also want to be aware of a potentially negative reaction your partner might have to hearing sexual desires you never expressed before.  Depending upon what you share, you might be confronted with expressions of disgust, anger or shock.  Your partner might feel you're unhappy in the relationship. So, if you're generally satisfied with the relationship but you want to explore these desires, be aware your partner might need your reassurance.  In certain circumstances, people have used their partner's sexual desires to shame their partner, gossip or to make inappropriate posts on social media. There have also been child custody cases where someone tries to prove their partner is an unfit parent based on the partner's sexual desires.  Although this isn't a everyday occurrence, it's important to be aware of the possibility, especially if you're in an unstable relationship or you anticipate problems.

• Be Aware of the Possible Negative Impact of Emotional Vulnerability After Disclosing Your Sexual Desires: This is especially true if your conversation with your partner doesn't go well.  Once you've disclosed your sexual desires or fantasies, even if you don't want to enact them in real life (you just want to talk about them), you can't take them back.  On the other hand, emotional vulnerability can be positive.  It's what often brings couples together (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship).  But if it doesn't go well, be prepared to have more than one discussion to address the negative consequences of your own or your partner's emotionally vulnerability.

• Be Aware Your Conversation Could Highlight a Need to Address Sexual Desire Discrepancy: Even though this issue is being listed as a potential pitfall, this is a common issue in relationships and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Sexual desire discrepancy doesn't automatically mean you and your partner are sexually incompatible or that your relationship is doomed.  It might seem daunting at first when you and your partner initially identify the problem, but it's only potentially negative if you and your partner ignore it, refuse to work or you're unable to work through the issue (for whatever reason).  Ignoring it can erode the relationship over time. On the other hand, addressing sexual desire discrepancy could lead to a positive outcome if you and your partner are open minded enough to work on this issue.  Many couples have successfully worked out sexual desire discrepancy with the result that their sex life and overall relationship is better than ever (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?).

Conclusion

You are the only one who knows your particular circumstances and whether it's a good idea to share your sexual desires with a partner.

Even though there are some potential pitfalls, depending upon your circumstances, having open discussions about your own and your partner's sexual desires can be fun and exciting.  

As I mentioned above, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the pitfalls for most people.

Not only can it spice up your sex life, but talking to your partner about your sexual desires can bring the two of you closer together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

In my prior article, Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life, I began a discussion about discovering your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

How Do You Start a Conversation About Your Sexual Desires?

Since most of us in the U.S. weren't taught how to communicate about our sexual pleasure or desires, people often find it hard to talk about this topic to a partner--even with a partner they have been with for a long time. So, some tips can be helpful.

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey research fellow and social psychologist, provides some tips:

• Choose the Right Time and Place: 
• Choose a place where you and your partner will have privacy and where there won't be disruptions or distractions.

• If possible, choose a place where you both might feel sexually aroused (e.g., while watching a sexy movie at home or while you're kissing and caressing each other).

• Consider how long you have been seeing each other, the stage of your relationship and what you feel comfortable sharing at this point. If you share too much too soon, you and your partner might feel uncomfortable.

How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Have an Ice Breaker in Mind to Begin the Discussion: 
• If you and your partner want to watch a sexy movie, try to find one that will open up a discussion about the sexual desires you want to discuss. For instance, if you fantasize about an aspect of role playing or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism), choose a movie that will has BDSM scenes (preferably one that doesn't have the most severe forms of BDSM if this is the first time you and your partner will be talking about it and you don't know how your partner might feel).  This can open up a discussion about what you both saw in the movie and whether these things were sexual turn-ons.

• If you and your partner visit a sex shop, you can share what each of you might be interested in from the shop's selection of sex toys and other merchandise.

• Consider a game where you each reveal your sexual turn-ons (e.g., Where Should We Begin?, which is a game developed by sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Esther Perel).

• Try using The 36 Questions That Lead to Love from the New York Times.  The main idea is that these questions are designed to facilitate closeness.

• Be Clear on Why You're Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies: Being Clear Will Help Put Your Partner At Ease:
• Do you want to have an initial conversation about each of your fantasies and have more conversations about it in the future? OR

• Are you hoping to enact some or all of these sexual fantasies?

• Recognize That Communication is a Two-Way Street:
• While your partner will be learning about your sexual fantasies, you'll also discover their fantasies.  

• Expect that you and your partner might not have the same exact fantasies, but there might be some fantasies you both share, so try to keep an open mind.  Just because you don't have the same fantasies doesn't mean that you're not sexually compatible.  According to Dr. Lehmiller, most couples have at least some fantasies they share.  So, you can focus on the fantasies you share in common rather than being upset about the ones you don't share.

• Don't take it personally if your partner doesn't like what you like. You each have your own personal history as well as likes and dislikes.  

• Be Tactful With How You Respond to Your Partner's Self Disclosure:
• You don't have to like what your partner likes (and vice versa), but you need to be respectful and tactful.  Remember that in the same way you're being emotionally vulnerable by sharing your fantasies, so is your partner.  So, don't be judgmental or critical or this will shut down the conversation and, possibly, ruin your relationship.

• Express appreciation to your partner for opening up to this intimate conversation.

How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Be Aware That You'll Probably Have Other Discussions About Your Sexual Fantasies 
• Discussing your fantasies and your partner's usually isn't a one-time conversation.  

• If all goes well during the first discussion, you might want to go more in-depth about certain fantasies.

• Sexual fantasies often change over time, so if you're in a long term relationship, you'll want to explore fantasies at different points during your relationship.

My Next Blog Article on This Topic: Potential Negative Consequences of Self Disclosure

Even though these conversations usually go well for most people, in my next article I'll discuss some of the potential negative consequences of discussing your sexual fantasies: Potential Pitfalls of Talking to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.