Relationships: Being Dishonest About the Financial Aspects of Your Relationship

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Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

According to a February 2019 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women get sexually turned on by three specific factors: emotional intimacy, experiencing their partner as being separate from themselves and, most importantly, being viewed as attractive and sexually desirable by their partner. I will unpack these concepts briefly in this blog article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Research: What Gets Women Turned On?

A group of sex researchers led by Sofia Prekatsounaki, M.S., surveyed over 600 women who were in serious or casual relationships and found that the following three factors increased sexual desire in women:

Intimacy:

Women in the survey reported that intimacy, which is a close and deep emotional connection with another person, is an important aspect with regard to women's sexual desire.  

Whereas men usually need sex as a way to connect emotionally, women often need emotional connection to connect emotionally (see my article: Whereas Women Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

Emotional Intimacy Turns On Most Women

Celebrated Otherness: Experiencing Yourself as Separate From Your Partner

Aside from the findings based on this research study, Dr. Esther Perel, sex and couples therapist, who wrote Mating in Captivity: How to Keep Desire and Passion Alive in Long Term Relationships, sexual desire thrives on otherness or separateness, which allows for the space between the self and the other.  

This space allows for the unknown, the novel, the unexpected, surprise and risk.  Dr. Perel posits that love and desire aren't always driven by the same things.  

The factors that drive love and desire are the opposite for many people.  While love is driven by commitment, intimacy and egalitarianism, sexual desire is driven by mystery, distance, risk and playfulness.

What Gets Women Turned On?

In addition, the sex researchers for this study found that there was a particular type of "otherness" that was important with regard to sexual desire.  

This otherness was the opposite of fusion of two people in a relationship.  It is not the kind of otherness that results in unrequited love or other forms of disconnection or alienation.  

This otherness emphasizes the autonomy of each person in the relationship as well as an investment in each other.

Object-of-Desire Affirmation: Feeling Attractive and Desirable

This was the most significant factor for women in terms of feeling sexually desirable.  Object-of-desire affirmation means being viewed as attractive and desirable by another person.  

Feeling Attractive and Sexually Desirable

According to the researchers, women often assume an erotic self-focus (instead of a relational self focus) during sexual activities.  

Feeling good about themselves and their bodies is an important element in women's sexual desire and satisfaction.  In addition to feeling good about themseleves, the external validation from a partner is an important factor.

Sex researchers have discovered that when women have sexual fantasies, they tend to be self focused.  

Based on this and other related research, this self focus is more important in terms of getting turned on than who they are fantasizing about.  

They can fantasize about strangers or even faceless individuals as long as they feel they are being perceived by the partner as being sexually desirable and attractive.

The Three Factors Combined: Intimacy, Separateness and Feeling Attractive and Desirable

The researchers revealed that all three factors were important to the women in the study.  They posited that emotional intimacy provides enough trust and safety for feeling like an autonomous sexual being.  This is enhanced by feeling attractive and sexually desirable by a partner.

Increasing Sexual Pleasure

According to Dr. Perel, the imagination if the most important factor for enhancing eroticism.  This includes sexual fantasies.

See my articles:

• Women's Sexual Self Discovery
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?
• The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies
• Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame
• Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission
• Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624  during business hours or email me.

  

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships.  There is no physical exam, nudity, or physical touch involved between the sex therapist and the clients (see my article: The Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy includes an exploration of the physical, emotional and psychological factors that are getting in the way of an individual or people in a relationship experiencing a pleasurable sex life (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sex Therapy Has Changed: Modern Sex Therapy Addresses Contemporary Issues

Sex therapy has changed a lot over the years.  

Many sex therapists from the past believed that all people needed to do to improve their sex life was overcome sexual dysfunction, learn how to communicate better and improve the romantic side of the relationship.  

While that strategy might work for many people, it doesn't work for everyone.  In fact, there are many people in relationships who have no sexual dysfunction, who communicate well and love each other very much, but they don't have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?)

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher, called the sex therapy of the past the "neat and clean" sex therapy.  

Contemporary sex therapists, like Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote, Mating in Captivity - Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, helped to develop many of the important concepts that are used in modern sex therapy today.

These days modern sex therapy still addresses sexual challenges and the importance of good communication both in and out of the bedroom, but it also addresses sex positivity and sexual pleasure as well as contemporary issues for heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, polyamorous, people in consensual non-monogamous relationships and other types of non-heteronormative sex (see my articles: Savoring Pleasure, Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Type of Sexual Issues Do People Work on in Sex Therapy?

The following list includes some of the most common issues in sex therapy (this list is not exhaustive):

• Low Libido
• See my articles: 
• Heterosexual Women Are Often Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When the Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met During Partnered Sex
• How Mindfulness Can Help With Low Libido

• Lack of Interest in Sex 
• See my article: 
• The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire

• Enhancing Sexual Pleasure and Problems with Arousal 
• See my articles:
• Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
• Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences
• What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

• Arousal Nonconcordance 
• See my article: 
• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

• Problems with an Orgasm Gap in Your Relationship(s)
• See my articles: 
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1
• Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2
  
• Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse
• 
  
• Sexual Desire Discrepancy Between Individuals in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in a Relationship? 
• Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy

• Lack of Confidence During Sex
• See my article: 
• Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?

• Overcoming Sex Related Shame
• See my articles: 
• Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs
• Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal
• Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies

• Improving Communication About Sexual Issues with Partner(s)
• See my article: 
• How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex 

• Changing a Sex Script That is Not Working in a Relationship 
• See my articles: 
• What is a Sex Script?
• Changing Your Sex Script

• Painful Sex (vaginismus, dyspareunia)
• See my article:
• Getting Help in Sex Therapy For Painful Sex
  

• Performance Anxiety

• See my article: 
• What is Performative Sex?

• Delayed Ejaculation

• Unpredictable Ejaculation

• Impulsive/Compulsive Use of Pornography 

• Infidelity
• See my article: 
• Learning to Trust Again: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship

• Opening Up a Relationship/Consensual Non-monogamy
• See my article: 
• What is Ethical Non-Monogamy? 
• What is Solo Polyamory?
• 
  
• Exploring and Integrating Kink/BDSM/Eroticized Power Play and Other Consensual Pleasurable Activities 
• See my articles: 
• What is Kinky Sex?
  
• What is the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?
  
• Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission, 
• What is Power Play?
• What You Can Learn From Kink About Consent 
• What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?
• 
  
• Recovering From Sexual Abuse/Trauma
• See my article: 
• Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

• Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• See my articles: 
• Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships 
• The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

• Coping With Issues of Sexual Fluidity: 
• See my articles: 
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 1
• Women and Sexual Fluidity - Part 2

• Sex and Aging

• LGBTQ Issues

What Happens During Sex Therapy?

Most sex therapists know that, even though people have sought help in sex therapy, they are often uncomfortable talking about sex.  

What is Sex Therapy?

Often this is based on family history, cultural history, religion and other factors.  

So, a sex therapist will normalize this and she will help each person to develop a comfort level talking about sex.

Most sex therapists get a comprehensive sex history of the couple as well as each individual (see sex therapist Dr. Suzanne Iasenza's book, Transforming Sexual Narratives, for more details about sexual history taking).

Here are some of the most common questions: 

• What is the presenting problem (as each person sees it)?
• When did the problem start?
• What efforts, if any, have the client(s) made to overcome the problem?
• What is your earliest memory about sexuality?
• Are there health concerns?
• What is your definition of sex?
• What first attracted you to your partner?
• Are there any particular emotional blocks to your experiencing sexual pleasure?
• What is your sex script?

And so on

What Kind of Feedback Does the Sex Therapist Provide to Clients?

Once again, each sex therapist will be different.

For instance, if the sex therapist is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), the therapist will help the clients to understand the strengths and positive aspects of their relationship as well as the negative cycle in the relationship and help them to change that cycle (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

Setting Goals Together

After the assessment, history taking and feedback, which could take several sessions, a skilled sex therapist helps the clients to work on setting goals together.  

Rather than just coming to therapy sessions and talking about whatever is on their minds, clients in sex therapy establish goals so that the work will have meaning and direction, and they can assess along the way if they are moving in the direction towards accomplishing their goals.

Just like any other goals, goals in sex therapy can be changed, but it's important that both people be able to collaborate with their therapist to identify meaningful goals.

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

Sex therapists give assignments between therapy sessions.  These assignments are relevant to the particular issues being addressed in sex therapy.

Many of the assignments can be fun and enjoyable (see sex therapist, Dr. Ian Kerner's book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex to see some of the assignments that might be part of your sex therapy).

The idea is that if you and your partner(s) are trying to change some aspect of your sexual relationship, you need to practice at home if the partners are willing.  

Sex Therapy Assignments Between Sessions

If an assignment is challenging, you and your partner(s) will discuss it with your therapist at the next session.  You would talk about where you got stuck and what you can do to deal with it.  

Since most sex therapists are patient, empathetic and know that there will be certain blocks or challenges along the way, you don't need to worry that you will be scolded as you were in high school when you didn't do your assignment.  But, generally, there is an expectation that you will make an effort to do the assignments or come in to talk about what happened between sessions.

Everything is grist for the mill.  In the long run, your progress as well as the underlying issues involved with your blocks can help you to overcome your problems.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If you and your partner(s) have tried on your own and you have been unable to overcome your problems, you could benefit from seeking help with a sex therapist.

When Should You Seek Help in Sex Therapy?

If your partner(s) is unwilling to join you in sex therapy, you can come for individual sessions to work on the problems and, at some point, your partner(s) might join you.

You and your partner(s) deserve to have a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life.  

By freeing yourself of the obstacles that get in the way of pleasurable sex, you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

In my prior article, Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex, I focused on elevated erotic feelings, core erotic feelings, peak erotic experiences, erotic themes, emotional aphrodisiacs, sexual fantasies and how these emotions and fantasies can enhance your sex life (see my article: Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?)

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

Guilt and shame are often major stumbling blocks to exploring sexual fantasies, especially fantasies that don't match everyday values and beliefs (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When I work with clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice about these issues, I help them to realize and accept that sexual fantasies have unconscious elements to them and that there's a difference between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to do.

It's also true that many other people do find it exciting to experiment with their fantasies either during solo sex or during partnered sex where the behavior is mutually consensual.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Everyday Values and Beliefs

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies.  He discovered that it's common for sexual fantasies to be completely different from people's everyday beliefs and values (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Dr. Michael Bader, a sex therapist who wrote the book, Arousal, gives many case examples from his clinical practice where sexual fantasies are different from people's beliefs.  He also discusses the unconscious elements in sexual fantasies which stem from clients' personal histories (see my article: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

For many people, transgressive sexual fantasies, which are completely opposed to their beliefs and values, are often the most exciting fantasies.

Examples of Sexual Fantasies That Don't Match Values and Beliefs

Let's explore this further with examples below which are fictionalized versions of common sex therapy cases:

Vera

Vera spent her life advocating for women's rights and non-violence.  These issues were very important to her, so she felt confused, guilty and ashamed that her sexual fantasies included being dominated and humiliated during sex.  Although she found these fantasies exciting, she wasn't interested in actually being overpowered or humiliated by her lover.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

When she attended sex therapy to deal with her inner conflict between her beliefs and her sexual fantasies, she learned that it's common for there to be a mismatch between beliefs and fantasies.  She also learned that it's common for people to have sexual fantasies that they never want to enact in real life.  She and her sex therapist also explored the unconscious elements of her fantasies and she realized how her fantasies were related to her personal history.  Over time, she was able to enjoy her fantasies without being worried, guilty or ashamed.  

Peter

Being kind to others was important to Peter.  His friends and loved ones often commented on his kindness and compassion.  But Peter experienced an inner conflict about himself because he had sexual fantasies about dominance and humiliation.  He couldn't understand how his sexual fantasies could be so out of synch with his firmly held beliefs.  He wondered if these fantasies meant he was really an awful person.  

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

With much guilt and shame, Peter confided in his wife.  After he told her about his fantasies, he was surprised by her reaction.  She told him that, based on her readings about sexual fantasies, she knew that these fantasies were common and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.  She also told him she always thought of him as being a kind person and his fantasies didn't change her view of him.  Even more surprising to Peter, his wife said his fantasies got her sexually aroused.  She suggested they do a sexual role play about them just for fun.  This idea excited Peter so they experimented with elements of light BDSM: Bondage Discipline (Dominance), Sadism (Submission) and Masochism.  This really spiced up their sex life and Peter no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Benefits of Sexual Role Play and The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

Jane

Jane considered herself to be devoutly religious, but when she watched the movie, "Fifty Shades of Gray," she felt surprised that she felt sexually aroused.  She also felt guilty and ashamed about being aroused, especially when she imagined herself to be in the role of the woman in the movie.  With a great deal of hesitation, she confided in her close friend, Carol, who attended the same church.  As she told Carol about her thoughts, Jane couldn't even look Carol in the eyes because she felt so ashamed.  

Confiding in a Supportive Friend

But when she looked up, she saw that Carol was smiling.  She told Jane, "I felt the same way when I watched it!  Isn't it great?" At first, Jane wasn't sure how to respond, but she was relieved to know that she wasn't the only one with strong religious beliefs who was turned on by this movie.  After a while, Jane got curious about whether other people might feel the same way, so she read books written by sex therapists and researchers and she discovered that her experience was common.  This was a great relief to Jane.  Although she would never tell her pastor about it, over time, Jane began to enjoy the transgressive nature of her fantasies, and she no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Ed

Ed advocated for women's rights through his volunteer work. This work was very important to him.  But when he was at home alone, he often enjoyed watching pornography, which he felt guilty and ashamed about afterwards.  He couldn't understand how his beliefs and values about the importance of women's rights was so different from what got him sexually turned on when he watched porn.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

He felt like he was a terrible person, so he sought help in sex therapy to understand these contradictory feelings.  His sex therapist helped him to connect his sexual fantasies to unconscious feelings related to his personal history.  Over time, Ed was relieved of his guilt and shame.  His therapist also told him that if he preferred to watch porn that wasn't degrading to women, he could watch ethical pornography, which was produced and distributed by women.  Ed tried watching ethical porn and he discovered that he enjoyed it much more (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Sexual Fantasies in Sex Therapy

Whether you enact your fantasies or not, sexual fantasies can enhance your sexual experiences during solo sex or during partnered sex--as long as whatever you do is with an adult who consenting enthusiastically.

Many people know on an intellectual level that they can fantasize about whatever they want and there's nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level they feel guilt and shame.

If you struggle with shame and guilt about your sexual fantasies, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

In my prior article, Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?, I began a discussion about core erotic feelings (CEF) mentioned in a book by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart MA called The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.  In the current article, I'm focusing on another idea from this book called elevated erotic feelings (EEF).

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

What Are Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)?

Whereas core erotic feelings (CEF) are the particular emotions you need to get in the mood for sex, elevated erotic feelings are what enhance the sexual experience, according to Dr. O'Reilly (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

She indicates that elevated erotic feelings (EEF) make the sexual feelings more intense in a specific way and could be related to:

• Physical pleasure
• Psychological thrill (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase)
• Emotional fulfillment
• Intimate connection
• Spiritual experience
• Some other benefit derived from sex

According to Dr. O'Reilly, core erotic feelings tend to be fairly stable, but they can also change over time.  

In contrast, elevated erotic feelings (EEF) often vary within the same time period, which means one day you might need a particular EEF and the next day you might need a different one.

As I mentioned in my previous article, there are some people who tend to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so they don't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  Some of the examples below illustrate this point.

Examples of Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)

The following examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, illustrate both CEF and EEF, and how EEF can take a sexual experience to the next level:

• Maxine: To get in the mood to have sex, Maxine needs to feel calm.  So, she and her partner, Ed take time before they have sex to do some deep breathing and meditation to overcome the stress of the day and transition into their sexual time together.  To enhance her sexual experience, Maxine enjoys when Ed tells her that he loves her.  Feeling loved by Ed is Maxine's elevated erotic feeling and it makes sex more pleasurable for her.  Feeling challenged is what enhances sex for Ed (his EEF) at times.  So, when he tells her he's in the mood to be challenged, Maxine responds by being playful and alternating between seducing him and then pretending to withhold sex.  This challenge excites Ed when he's in the mood for it.
• Core Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling Calm
• Elevated Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling loved

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Roberta: In order to get into the mood to have sex, Roberta needs to feel sexually desirable.  So, her partner, Sara, makes sure to let Roberta know she thinks Roberta is beautiful and sexy.  This isn't a problem at all for Sara because she genuinely feels that way.  Sara is someone who is in the mood for sex regardless of whatever emotions she's experiencing at the moment, so she doesn't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  However, she knows that Roberta's elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is taking a risk (when Roberta is in the mood for this).  So, they sometimes come up with ways to make sex more exciting for Roberta, like camping out in a tent in their backyard.  They have privacy in their tent and they know that no one can really see them. But even the thought that a neighbor who looks out the window might think Roberta and Sara are having sex feels risky enough to get Roberta even more sexually excited.  
• Core Erotic Feeling For Roberta:  Feeling Sexually Desirable
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Taking a Risk

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Tod: Tod's core erotic feeling is being playful.  So, his partner, Mike includes an element of playfulness when they have sex.  He knows that when he and Tod laugh and tease each other, Tod gets turned on.  There are also times when Tod wants to take it to the next level and he lets Mike know that he wants to be surprised.  So, Mike surprises him by including new sex toys that get Tod excited.  Sometimes Tod likes the thrill of being blindfolded when Mike uses different sexual props, like feathers, to enhance the physical thrill.  Mike tends to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so he's not focused on a CEF or EEF.
• Core Erotic Feeling For Tod: Feeling Playful
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Tod: Being Surprised

Elevated Erotic Feelings

In the examples above, these individuals have communicated beforehand what they need to get sexually aroused (their CEF) and what will enhance the experience (their EEF), except in the cases where one of the partners doesn't need EEF or CEF to get sexually aroused.

Each person also needs to be attuned to their partner to know what they need at any given time to make sex more pleasurable for them.

Dr. Jack Morin's Book: The Erotic Mind

Many of the concepts in Dr. O'Reilly's book bring to mind Dr. Jack Morin's ideas about core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences from his book, The Erotic Mind.  See my articles related to the topics in Dr. Morin's book:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Reviving Your Sex Life With Peak Erotic Experiences

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

In The Erotic Mind, Dr. Morin also discusses the four cornerstones of eroticism.  See links below for my articles which explain each of these cornerstones:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

According to Dr. Jack Morin, there are also emotional aphrodisiacs.  Surprisingly, some of them might not be what you would expect because they have a paradoxical effect on the person who is turned on by them.  See my links below for my articles about emotional aphrodisiacs and their paradoxical effect (see my article: Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes):

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Sexual Turn-ons and Fantasies Don't Always Coincide With Your Usual Values and Beliefs

What turns on certain people behind closed doors might not align with their usual values and beliefs in everyday life.  This relates to the internal contradictions and paradoxes mentioned above.

For some people, this creates inner conflict, guilt and shame because they might not understand that internally each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

They might also feel like they're being hypocrites to feel one way in their everyday daily life outside the bedroom versus how they feel sexually behind closed doors.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, there might not be a particular reason why someone has a sexual fantasy that's contradictory to their everyday beliefs and values.  However, for some people, their sexual fantasies are related to their particular emotional needs.  

More about this in a future article.

Conclusion

Core erotic feelings are the emotions a person needs to feel to get into the mood for sex, and elevated erotic feelings enhance and intensify sex, according to Dr. O'Reilly.

Although core erotic feelings tend to be stable, they can also change over time.  

Elevated erotic feelings can vary from day to day depending on what a person needs to intensify sexual arousal at any given time.

Getting to know what you need to feel sexual (your CEF) and what enhances sex for you (your EEF) can make your sex life more pleasurable.

Communication between you and your partners(s) about what each of you needs can enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sometimes guilt and shame get in the way of sexual pleasure.  

If you have been unable to work through these issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.