Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?

Performative sex is goal-oriented sex that follows a script with a predefined role.  When sex is performative, instead of it being natural and enjoyable, it becomes a show or a performance (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming the Habit of Performative Sex

Sex often becomes performative when people are anxious, distracted or self conscious during sex.  When this happens, they're not attuned to themselves or their sex partner.  They're too worried about whether they're "doing it right" or if their body looks good, and how their partner sees them.  

Men often worry about their penis being too small and whether their penis will remain erect long enough to satisfy their partner.  

Women often worry about their body image--the size of their breasts and whether they're overweight.  Many women also worry about whether they'll have an orgasm and, if so, if they'll take so long that it will frustrate their partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Unfortunately, so many people get their sex education from pornography where both performers always look sexy, ready and able to achieve simultaneous orgasms with no foreplay.  But this is a performance--it's not real life.  

Performative sex can become a habit--even between two people who are in a long term, committed relationship.  Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this habit, as described below.

Focus on the Here and Now

• Focus on the present moment--not on the past or the future.

• Focus on being attuned to yourself and to your partner physically and emotionally.

• Practice synchronizing your breath to your partner's breath as one way to stay connected.

Communicate With Your Partner

• Ask your partner what they like if you're not sure (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Tell your partner what you like. 

• Make sure you have consent from your partner.  Don't assume you have consent--even if you've done the same things sexually many times before.  If you're not sure, ask.

Don't Feel Rejected If Your Partner Doesn't Like What You Like

• Recognize that everyone is different when it comes to what they like sexually.

• Be aware that if your partner doesn't like what you like, your partner isn't rejecting you so don't take it personally.  You might be able to work out a compromise or, if not, find something else that you both enjoy.

Don't Feel Compelled to Do Anything You Don't Want to Do

• Don't feel you have to do anything sexually that you don't feel comfortable doing.  

• Don't override your own feelings.  This is often a problem for women, who are socialized to be people pleasers, so they override their feelings to just "get through it" or to "get it over with."

• Recognize that when you override your feelings to do something you don't want to do, you're damaging your self esteem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many issues, including a history of abuse or trauma, can get in the way of having a satisfying sex life.

If you're struggling, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Self-Pleasure Survey

I was listening to a recent episode on the Sex and Psychology podcast called The Magic of Masturbation hosted by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, who is a psychologist and a sex researcher for the Kinsey Institute (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual Wellness: The 2021 Survey

The guest was Marie Aoyama from the Japanese sexual health and wellness brand, TENGA.  They were discussing the findings of the TENGA 2021 Self-Pleasure Report (in this article, I'm using the terms "self pleasure" and "masturbation" interchangeably).

The organization surveyed 1,000 American adults, ages 18-54, and the findings offered some interesting insights into their attitudes and practices about masturbation as well as the changes that resulted during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2021 TENGA Self-Pleasure Survey Results

The survey revealed that 50% of adults ages 18-54 years old included self pleasure as part of their self care routine.

In addition, the respondents reported the following sexual wellness benefits:

• Improved mood:  73%
• Reduction in stress: 73%
• Improved sleep: 74% 
• Improved body image: 51%
• Improved self confidence: 57%
• Improved sense of sex appeal: 59%

Forty-two per cent of the respondents also revealed that during the COVID-19 pandemic, they coped with stress, anxiety, uncertainty and boredom by masturbating more often than prior to the pandemic.

Of the total 42%, the breakdown for men and women was as follows:

• Men: 49%
• Women: 32%

General Findings of the Survey:

• People who masturbated over the last year: 86%

• People who felt comfortable talking about masturbation with their partners/spouses or close friends: 60%

The discrepancy between the 86% and the 60% indicates that people still feel there's a stigma involved with masturbation, and they don't feel comfortable enough to talk to their own partners/spouses about it (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner? and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

This reticence to talk about self pleasuring exists despite the fact that most people masturbate and despite the health benefits cited above--improved mood, reduced stress and so on.

In addition to the benefits cited above, masturbation helps you to explore what you like and what you don't like sexually, which can improve your sex life with a partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Conclusion

Self pleasuring, also known as masturbation, is a healthy, normal and safe way to practice self care as part of a sexual wellness routine.

Masturbation has many benefits for your body and mind, as described above.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people grew up in a family where masturbation was considered taboo.  

If you're struggling with guilt and shame about masturbation or about your body, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

When you free yourself from guilt and shame, you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery

In my prior articles, The Orgasm Gap Between Woman and Men - Parts 1 and 2,  I discussed the sexual satisfaction gap between men and heterosexual woman.  One of my recommendations in Part 2 was that, in order for women to experience more sexual satisfaction, they can explore their own body and discover sexual pleasure for themselves.

Women's Sexual Self Discovery

Women Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Their Sexual Pleasure

For many women this is easier said than done because shame and guilt about their body and their sexuality gets in the way.  Part of this can be culturally induced because women still get mixed messages about enjoying sexual pleasure.  In some cases, the shame and guilt can be related to unresolved sexual trauma (see below: Getting Help in Therapy).

On the one hand, heterosexual women are told they should be sexually alluring to men.  But, on the other hand, they're still stigmatized for being sexual or experiencing sexual pleasure, especially if it's for themselves and not for men.

There is so much misinformation that it's no wonder many women feel confused, ashamed of their bodies, and they feel they have no right to their own sexual pleasure. 

There's still double standard that it's okay for men to be sexual but not for women.  And many  women are still told, if not explicitly then implicitly, they should wait until they're married to be sexual (you might think this is a thing from the past, but I still hear many women tell me in their therapy sessions that they grew up with these cultural or religious taboos).

The expectation in these families is that women will just know somehow how to be sexual with their partner or spouse "when the time comes."  But the reality is that this stigma against women's sexuality in these instances often carries over into marriage because these women haven't discovered their own sexuality beforehand.  

Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery:

• Make a Decision as to Whether You're Ready to Get to Know Yourself Sexually: As a woman, whether or not you want to discover your sexuality is up to you and only you.  While it might feel daunting at first because of cultural or religious taboos, if you're ready to get to know yourself sexually, it can be an adventure in self discovery.  Try to be as open and curious as you can.

• Create a Time and Space For Privacy and Relaxation: Once you have decided to get to know yourself better sexually, look for a time and place when you'll have privacy and you won't be interrupted.  Some women like to set the mood by creating a private and relaxing environment for themselves in the bath and engage their senses: candles, incense, a favorite bubble bath, relaxing music and whatever else helps to create the right mood.

• Take a Look at Your Body: Many women have so much shame about their body that they can hardly stand to look at themselves in the mirror--even when they are fully clothed.  It's understandable why they feel this way because social media, movies, TV programs and magazines give women messages that they should look a certain way--usually thin or curvy or some other particular way.  

• Accept Your Body As It Is Now: This might be one of the hardest steps to take because there are so many negative messages  for women about body image.  Even if you want to change your body for health-related reasons, one of the best ways to change is to start by accepting yourself as you are now.  Acceptance doesn't mean you're not going to try to change if that's what you want.  It just means that you acknowledge that you are where you are right now and you love yourself regardless of how you look.

• Take a Hand Mirror and Look at Your Vulva:  The vulva is a woman's external genital area. It's normal for vulvas to come in all different shapes and sizes.  The vulva contains the vestibule (vaginal opening), the labia majora, the labia minora, and the clitoris.  By being curious and looking at yourself, you can discover your own unique beauty.  Holding onto the hand mirror, look at the:

• labia majora: outer lips

• labia minora: the smaller, inner lips

• vulval vestibule (vaginal opening): is the part of the vulva between the labia minora into which the urinary meatus (urethra opening) and the vaginal opening open.

• clitoris: the tip of the clitoris is slightly above the urethra and at the top of the vestibule.  The rest of the clitoris is covered by the clitoral hood. It extends into the body and wraps around the vaginal canal (the vagina is a woman's internal reproductive area). Sexual pleasure is the clitoris' primary purpose.  It is the most sensitive erogenous zone. The glans of the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many nerve endings as the penis. This erogenous zone spreads the feeling to 15,000 other nerves in the pelvis, which is why it can feel like your whole body is experiencing an orgasm.

• Spend Time Discovering What's Pleasurable to You Through Solo Pleasuring: Solo pleasuring (also known as masturbation) is a safe and pleasurable way to:

• discover what turns you on sexually
• have fun
• release sexual tension
• improve your sleep through the release of tension

• Understand That Your Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ: Your thoughts and beliefs affect how you feel sexually, so your personal psychology matters just as much as your physiology.  There are two types of sexual stimulation: 

• psychological stimulation: Visual cues or sexual fantasies can include your own fantasies, fantasies from erotica, ethical porn, sexy movies or TV programs, and so on.  Don't overthink or overanalyze it--fantasies aren't real, so you don't necessarily want to act on them.  But maybe you do.  It's up to you.  

• physical stimulation: Your hand, a vibrator or sex toys can be used to get sexually aroused.

• Explore Your Erogenous Zones: Your erogenous zones include your nipples, thighs, vulva, clitoris, and any other areas that might turn you on.

• Don't Pressure Yourself to Have an Orgasm: Rather than focusing on having an orgasm, focus on what feels pleasurable to you without pressuring yourself to have an orgasm.

• Ready to Have an Orgasm? Aside from the fact that everyone is unique in terms of what turns them on, one article isn't sufficient, but there are good books that provide can you with some guidance, including:

• Book Recommendations:
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life - by Dr. Emily Nagoski

• Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving - by Betty Dodson

• Becoming Cliterate - by Dr. Laurie Mintz

• She Comes First - by Dr. Ian Kerner

• Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life - by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Feeling Pain?  Get Medical Help

If you are experiencing vaginal pain, seek help from your doctor immediately.  Pain can be related to any one of a number of problems, including vaginal infections, vulvodynia, cysts, pelvic floor problems or other medical problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

We all need help at sometimes.

Unresolved traumatic experiences can affect your ability to be sexual whether it's on your own or with a partner.  The effects can include (but are not limited to): emotional numbing, physical pain, flashbacks, getting triggered, panic attacks, feeling disconnected from your body, and other related symptoms.

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck, so rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Happy Gay Pride!

Happy Gay Pride Day to all Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer People All Over the World

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Happy Gay Pride

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 2: How to Close the Gap

In Part 1 of Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men, I focused on defining the problem and the contributing factors involved with the orgasm gap based on the book, Becoming Cliterate by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz. In this article I'm focusing how to close the orgasm gap (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script). 

How to Close the Orgasm Gap

How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

• Since only 25-30% of women have orgasms based on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex alone, there's a need for both women and men to understand that most women--a whopping 95%!--need clitoral stimulation--either alone or in addition to PIV (individual women vary on what they need, so communication between sex partners is essential: see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Since the clitoris is key to women's orgasms, there needs to be greater awareness and understanding about the clitoris.  This is true for everyone, but it's especially true for millennials because so many young men get so much misinformation about sex and what women like sexually from porn.  Also, so many young women think they're abnormal if they don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse (PIV) alone.

• The term "foreplay" implies it happens before the "main event," which is usually understood to be penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  It sounds like it's the appetizer before the main course, which also implies that it's less important than PIV sex.  As a result, the word "foreplay" undermines the very sexual activities, like clitoral stimulation, that are so important for women's orgasms, and some sex experts recommend that the term "foreplay" be abolished.  

• While orgasm is usually important for many men and women, focusing on sexual pleasure, instead of a goal-oriented focus on orgasm alone, would enhance sex for both people.  As sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure" (see Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life).

• Women can learn to make their own sexual pleasure at least as important as their male partner's pleasure, which includes developing an increased awareness of what is sexually pleasurable for them as individuals.  Once they understand what's pleasurable for them, women also need to learn to voice their sexual needs to their partners (see my articles:  Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self  and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex):

• Exploring their own bodies sexually through touch and solo pleasure (masturbation) can help women to understand what is pleasurable for them and also become aware that they can provide themselves with pleasure without relying on a partner, including:

• looking at and appreciating their naked bodies in the mirror, especially their vulva and clitoris

• engaging in self touch/solo pleasure

• using sex toys 

• attending sex-related workshops led by professional sex experts          

• Men need to learn how to pleasure women generously with oral sex (see Dr. Ian Kerner's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman): 

• Instead of being in a goal-oriented rush for the woman to have an orgasm, men need to listen to what women want sexually. They also need to take their time with oral sex.  

• Men need to be aware that few things turn women off as much as when they feel their male sexual partner is in a hurry or approaches oral sex like it's a "chore."

• As a society, we need to stop body shaming women for not being thin or having a particular body type.  There needs to be an increased awareness of how our society perpetuates body shame in the mass media, movies and pornography.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to overcome personal obstacles, you're not alone.

You could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to your happiness and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I'm a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1

According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist and sex therapist who wrote Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters And How to Get It, there's a huge orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  The focus of this article will be on identifying the problem and the contributing factors (see my articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

According to Dr. Mintz, a recent survey of thousands of men and women reveals that 91% of men versus only 64% of women said they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter.  

Dr. Mintz also cites another recent survey where only 57% of women said they had orgasms most or every time they had sex with a male partner, but their partners had orgasms 95% of the time.

Why is There an Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women?

So what's going on?  Dr. Mintz cites a number of reasons for the orgasm gap, including:

• An Overvaluation of Intercourse: The most common way for heterosexual men to have an orgasm in partnered sex is through intercourse, also known as penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  This has lead to an undervaluation of women's most common way, which is through clitoral stimulation.  

• This cultural valuation is usually seen in mainstream movies, social media and porn.  Women are regularly seen as having orgasms with intercourse alone--with little to no clitoral stimulation.
• As a result, this perpetuates the misinformation about women's orgasms and PIV sex.

• A Sexual Double Standard:  Our cultural double standard is that women are judged more harshly for having casual sex than men.  This often leads to women feeling conflicted, guilty and ashamed, which makes it harder for them to enjoy sex.

• A Focus on Women Being Desirable to Men Instead of Focusing on Their Own Sexual Desires: The message that women should focus on being desirable to men (instead of focusing on their own desires) is everywhere--from social media, popular magazines, movies, porn, and so on.  

• This message, which is so common, causes women to focus on how they look instead of how they feel.
• The message is that women's main role is to pleasure men instead of believing that sex involves both giving and receiving pleasure.
• A related problem is that many women don't like their bodies because thin women are often portrayed as being sexy.  

• An Overall Problem With Sex Education in the US: Most sex education in the United States focuses almost exclusively on the dangers of sex, including pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) instead of the pleasures involved with sex.  

• This emphasis on the dangers of sex to the exclusion of fun and pleasurable sex makes it less likely that sex will be perceived as pleasurable.

• A Lack of Communication About Sex: As part of sex education, most people--both women and men--get little to no training on how to communicate about sex.  

• Since most men have orgasms and many women don't, it's especially important for women's orgasms that there is good communication about sex and orgasms in particular.  
• As compared to men, women have different needs when it comes to having orgasms.  
• Also, individual women have different needs (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

My Next Article:

The focus of my next article will be how to close the orgasm gap:

Part 2: How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from maximizing your potential and leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Tips For Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Uncertainty often creates anxiety, and this is especially true now as more people in the U.S. get COVID-19 vaccines and things are opening up again.  If you're feeling anxious as we move closer to "normalcy" (whatever that might be), you're not alone (see my articles: Living With Uncertainty and What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Tips For Coping With Reentry Anxiety

• Develop an Awareness About Your Anxiety: It might be hard to identify reentry anxiety because it often manifests in ways you might not immediately identify, especially since you might have experienced these same symptoms during the height of the pandemic:  
• poor sleep
• nightmares
• change in appetite
• weight gain/weight loss
• a sense of foreboding
• irritability
• headaches, neck and shoulder pain
• other health-related symptoms

• Accept Your Emotions:  Recognize that you're not alone.  Many people are experiencing anxiety about the possibility of returning to some form of their work and social routine. Rather than berating yourself for your response, accept it and look for ways to cope (see below). You might also be experiencing a combination of anxiety and excitement or you might alternate between the two.  Know that this is normal (see my article: Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

• Allow Yourself to Grieve:  There have been many losses involved with the COVID-19 pandemic, including:
• the loss of friends and family who died during the pandemic
• the loss of a job/income
• the loss of a sense of safety in the world you might have had before the pandemic (see my article: The 5 Stages of Grief Related to the Pandemic)

• Focus on What You Can Control: With so much uncertainty, you might find yourself worrying about many possibilities, but there are areas of your life where you do have some control:
• What do you need to do to feel safe to return to work and to social activities?
• How will you deal with friends and family members who refuse to get vaccinated? 
• Although there might be things that you can't control, there are many things you can control, including how you begin to reenter into social activities (see my below and my article: Preparing Yourself Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life)

• Reintroduce Activities Gradually: If you've spent most of your time at home, rather than trying to jump back into your former schedule quickly, try to get back into these activities gradually to give yourself a chance to adjust.  Rather than overcommitting yourself to social activities, try seeing one friend (or a small group of friends) at a time so you don't exhaust yourself.

• Think About What You're Looking Forward to in the Future: When you're ready to think about the future, make a list of the things you want to do.  This can help you to shift your perspective from worry to having things to look forward to (see my article: Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation and Happiness and Your Future Self).

• Use Self Soothing Techniques: Whether you meditate, exercise, go for walks, do yoga or breathing exercises, it's important to use self soothing techniques to calm yourself (see my articles: Self. Soothing With Butterfly Tapping, Developing Your Inner Sense of Feeling Grounded and Calm and Learning to Do Square Breathing).

• Get Help If Your Anxiety is Overwhelming You: Although reentry anxiety is normal, if your anxiety is having a negative impact on your personal relationships, work life or other areas of your life, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to understand your reactions and develop better coping skills.  This would be especially helpful if your current anxiety is triggering unresolved trauma from the past (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.