Relationships: Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Many Men Need Sex to Connect Emotionally

Although emotional intimacy can be expressed verbally and nonverbally, words are usually privileged over nonverbal expressions these days.  Generally, women are much better at verbal expressions of love and intimacy, whereas men often don't have the verbal skills so they use nonverbal expressions (see Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, Ph.D and my article: Understanding Men Who Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex).

Men's Nonverbal Expressions of Emotional Intimacy

Conveying Emotional Intimacy in My Great Grandparents' Time vs Today

In my great grandparents' time, marriage was a pragmatic arrangement.  Couples didn't expect to be in love during their courtship or the early stage of marriage.  

Instead, the expectation was that love would develop over time.  Marriages were an economic arrangement where men were expected to work and women bore children and took care of the home.  

Since they weren't necessarily in love, they expressed their caring for one another nonverbally through their activities: She cooked for him, washed his clothes, and took care of the household.  He was the breadwinner that sustained the family financially.  

In those earlier marriages, extended family lived together.  Their lives were more entwined, so rather than seeking emotional intimacy, family members sought privacy.  

In my great grandparents' day, couples tended not to ask each other, "Why don't you ever tell me that you love me?" because their nonverbal expressions were sufficient to convey their feelings of emotional connection.  

Today, except for couples who live with family for economic reasons, couples live on their own in more socially isolated circumstances.  So, they rely on each other for emotional intimacy to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Couples today rely on words to convey how they feel.  Rather than developing emotional intimacy over time, as in my great grandparents' time, couples today expect emotional intimacy immediately.  

Because of women's greater ability to express themselves in words, they are at an advantage in contemporary times. Also, from an early age, women are raised to be relationship builders, so they're generally better at it as compared to men.

Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally vs Women Who Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually

Men often express emotional intimacy and enjoy the pleasure of connection through sex.  This puts them at a disadvantage in a culture that privileges verbal expressions.  They're often unfairly accused of having a "fear of intimacy" if they can't put their emotions into words.

Another potential problem is that, whereas men often need sex to connect emotionally, women usually need emotional connection to have sex.  So, many women believe that their significant other is only interested in sex (rather than emotional connection) because they don't understand how men connect emotionally and men are often unable to explain it.

Learning to Value Nonverbal Expressions of Emotional Intimacy and Connection

I'm certainly not suggesting that couples should go back to the way things were in my great grandparents' day.  No one wants that.  Life was hard back then, and women often felt compelled to remain in marriages because they didn't have the freedom to leave.  

Overall, women have more economic freedom today, so there is no expectation that they remain in a marriage.

But, rather than always valuing verbal expressions, can a couple learn to recognize nonverbal expressions of emotional intimacy and connection?

What about recognizing acts of kindness, gifts, spending time together, and other nonverbal gestures that men are more likely to show?

If couples could learn to value these nonverbal expressions of emotional intimacy, there would be much less conflict in relationships.  

Over time, men can learn to develop the verbal skills to express their love.  It takes practice on their part and patience on the part of their significant other.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's not unusual for couples to have difficulty understanding their partner's way of expressing love.

If you and your partner are having problems, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

I have been exploring topics related to sexuality in my recent articles, including What is Good Sex?, Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes, Overcoming Problems With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal vs Context-Dependent Arousal and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air.  In this article, I'm focusing on destigmatizing sexual fantasies of power and submission in relationships.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

Political Beliefs About Egalitarianism vs Erotic Pleasure

The Women's Movement fought hard to reduce gender inequality.  To their credit, the Women's Movement also brought to light the double standard which criticized women for sexual experimentation while applauding men who roamed sexually, including sexist attitudes of "Boys will be boys"and "That's how men are." 

The Women's Movement showed that these gender differences aren't biologically rooted--they're social constructions which needed to change.  

Books like Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective also served to restore a sense of sexual ownership to women--both legally and psychologically.

In her book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, Dr. Esther Perel posits that, while the contributions of the Women's Movement were undeniably positive, there were also some unintended consequences.  She believes that the emphasis on egalitarianism in sexuality, which purged any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression, is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women.

According to Dr. Perel, while power and control dynamics are problematic in an emotional relationship, these same dynamics, when eroticized, become sexually pleasurable for many couples.

Sexual Dynamics of Power and Submission Have Become More Common

Whereas in the past sexual power and submission were considered fringe behavior, during recent years, these dynamics have become more common and acceptable among consenting adults behind closed doors.

According to a study published in the March 3, 2016 edition of The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.  

The same study revealed that almost 47% of adults would like to participate in some form of nontraditional sexual activity, and 33.9% said they were involved in some form of nontraditional sexual activity in the last year.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

At one point, many mental health practitioners considered sexual power and submission practices to be pathological.  

However, in 2013 the American Psychiatric Association (APA)  destigmatized these sexual practices in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5).  For the first time, the APA made a distinction between consenting adults who engage in these sexual activities and those who force others to engage in these behaviors without consent.

Rather than pathologizing these sexual dynamics, many therapists understand that a couple's political beliefs about equality in their everyday life might be in sharp contrast to what they find sexually pleasurable during erotic play.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

The following examples are a composite of many different heterosexual couples and have no identifying information:

Sue and Dan

During the day, Sue, who owns her own business, makes many important decisions involving staffing, business strategy and the financial aspects of her business.  She is a strong supporter of women's rights and considers herself a feminist.  However, when she and her spouse, Dan, are having sex, she prefers to allow him to be the dominant one and she takes on the role of the submissive.

Two years before, when they first started seeing one another, Sue felt embarrassed at first to tell Dan that she preferred to be dominated in bed.  However, when she finally summoned the courage to tell him, Dan was excited about it.  

To start, they established a "safe word," which they agreed upon. They agreed that when spoken the safe word ensures that the current act stops immediately.  They also negotiated other agreements in terms of informed consent about all their sexual activities.

Dan, who usually deferred to Sue in their everyday life, liked the idea of being dominant in the bedroom.  This power dynamic in their everyday life didn't change.  Like Sue, he had never played with sexual power dynamics in his previous relationships, so this was all new to him.  But both of them soon discovered that it added excitement to their sex life.

Jan and Ed

Ed was a senior partner at a large law firm.  He often worked long hours. He was under a lot of pressure to bring in new business for his firm.  

He and Jan were married for five years.  Early on in their relationship Jan and Ed experimented with their sexual fantasies of power and submission.  

Since Ed had many responsibilities at work, he enjoyed being submissive during sex with Jan.  Jan, who had a more passive personality in her everyday life and in her relationship with Ed, enjoyed being dominant during sex.  It really turned Ed on to allow Jan to be in control sexually, and it made Jan feel empowered in a way she had never felt before.  

Occasionally, just to be playful and to add something new to their sexual activities, they switched roles and Jan was the submissive sexual partner while Ed was dominant.  They were both adventurous and liked to be playful with new roles and exploring new fantasies.

Conclusion

Whereas sexual fantasies about power and submission were pathologized as being "abnormal" in the past, they are now accepted by most contemporary psychotherapists as being a normal part of sex.

It's normal for there to be a difference between how a person might be in their everyday life in terms of gender egalitarianism and what they find erotically exciting.  

As discussed in the examples above, a person who has a dominant personality in his or her everyday life might fantasize and enjoy being submissive sexually and vice versa. Some couples alternate roles between being submissive and dominant.

Trust and informed consent between consenting adults are crucial to sexual dynamics involving power and submission.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

In Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, she focuses on a common problem that many couples, who live together or are married, experience--too much closeness reduces eroticism and has a negative impact on their sex life together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy?)

Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

This isn't true for all couples, but there are many couples where it's difficult for the individuals to relate to each other sexually now that they are "family."  

This dynamic is especially problematic when the couple becomes emotionally "fused" or "enmeshed."  Whereas before they lived together, they could be together as autonomous individuals, when fusion takes place, the sexual polarity is often lost and it's difficult to be sexual.

Relationships: Rekindling Passion: Fire Needs Air

A clinical vignette based on a composite of many different clinical cases will illustrate how this dynamic develops and what a couple can do to overcome this problem:

John and Ann

John and Ann were both in their mid-30s.  They had no children.  When they first met, they had a very passionate sex life.  

John told their couples therapist he remembered the first year of their relationship before they moved in together, "We couldn't wait to see each other, and when we got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other" (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Ann added, "All week long, I felt this build up of excitement to see John.  Then, when we finally got together on the weekends, the sexual sparks would fly.  But now that we've been living together for two years, even though we're closer emotionally, our sex life has dwindled down to once or twice a month.  We're still young and I'm worried about what this means for our relationship.  Neither of us wants to be a sexless couple."

As their couples therapist listened to the changes that occurred in the relationship after Ann and John got together, she realized they had merged together in a way where they were no longer autonomous individuals.  

It was almost as if they had fused into one person:  Ann stopped seeing her friends, and she dropped out of the chorus she used to love to sing in.  John also stopped seeing his friends and he gave up hobbies he used to enjoy.  So, they only spent time with each other.  As a result, except for family, they were dependent on each other for all of their needs.

When the couples therapist pointed this out to them, they both said this happened so gradually they barely noticed it.  

In addition, when their therapist asked them when they felt sexually turned on by each other, Ann said she felt most desirous of John when she attended a conference where he was one of the keynote speakers, "When I saw him up there, I thought to myself, 'He's so handsome and in command of his area of expertise.  But as soon as we were together again at home, the sexual desire evaporated."

John responded, "When we went to my parents' house for the holidays and I sat across from Ann while she told a funny story, I felt so sexually drawn to her in that moment.  But when we got home and she changed into sweat pants and we cuddled on the couch, the sexual excitement I felt for her earlier in the day was gone."

Ann and John noticed the patterns and how their perspectives changed when they could see each other with some distance as compared to when they spent all their time together.  

Their therapist repeated a quote from Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity," which was "Fire needs air."  In other words, when they were fused together as almost one person, there was no distance (metaphorically speaking: no air) so they experienced no eroticism.

She encouraged Ann and John to reconnect with each of their friends and to reestablish their own individual hobbies and interests so they could live together but also function as individuals.  

At first, they were reluctant to make this change, but as they did and they learned to be two individuals in a relationship, their sexual desire for each other was rekindled and they began to enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

An increase in emotional intimacy doesn't necessarily increase sexual intimacy in many couples.  In fact, for some couples, it reduces sexual desire.  Although this isn't true for all couples, it's a problem for others.  

For these couples, a loss of individual autonomy often leads to emotional fusion and, as a result, sexual desire wanes. 

Regaining a sense of autonomy, as in the example of Ann and John above, often provides enough space (air) to rekindle the fire.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling to resolve your problems on your own, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are hindering your progress.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

At the start of a relationship it's not unusual to go through that heady in love phase where you and your partner enjoy everything about each other and relish the time you spend together.  You're in the early idealized phase of the relationship.  Eventually, if all goes well, you come out of that idealistic phase. You come back down to Earth and you start to see your partner and the relationship in a more realistic way (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

If you remain with your partner and the relationship continues to go well, the two of you eventually develop a more emotionally intimate relationship.  You're no longer like two giddy teenagers in love, but what you have together is more substantial and emotionally satisfying.  

As you get more comfortable with each other, you learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with each other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).  

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is nothing like the reality-based experience I described above.  It might feel good at first, but most people feel uncomfortable with it pretty quickly because they realize that it has very little to do with them. Eventually, they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But, first, let's define it.

Love bombing, as the phrase implies, occurs when someone overwhelms you with attention and praise that's over the top.  Your partner puts you on a pedestal and the only place for you to go is down.  It's a phase in the relationship, as I'll describe below.

Most people who are being love bombed eventually recognize that all of the attention and praise is too good to be true because no one can live up to it.  

An important thing for you to know is that love bombing is a form of manipulation so your partner can get what they want from you (more about this below).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed

Here are typical examples of love bombing:

• You're Their "Soulmate:" Soon after meeting you, your partner tells you that they're convinced you're the "soulmate" they've been waiting for all their life.  They're never been with anyone who is as "wonderful" as you.  As far as they're concerned, you must have been Heaven sent.

• They Give You Over the Top Compliments:  Your partner can't give you enough compliments: "You're the best ______ (fill in the blank: lover, partner, and so on), "No one in the world compares with you," "You're the most beautiful woman (or attractive man) in the world," "I don't want to spend my time with anyone but you from now on," "You're my forever love," etc.

• They Want to Spend a Lot of Time With You: They might tell you that they've cancelled other plans or they don't want to see anyone, but you (and they expect you to do the same): "We don't need anyone else because we have each other."

• They Bombard You With Phone Calls and Texts: They want to be in constant contact with you throughout the day and night.  They might contact you numerous times per day--in the morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, evening and night time.  Then they text or call you at night.  And they expect you to respond immediately.

• They Might Lavish Gifts on You:  Nothing is too good for you. They might make a show of sending two dozen roses to your job so everyone knows how they feel about you.  They might buy expensive theater tickets or plane tickets early on in the relationship.  They're constantly giving you little things, like Teddy bears or little trinkets to show you they think about you all the time.

• They Pressure You For a Commitment Very Early in the Relationship:  They want you to know that you "belong" to them.  They'll talk about marriage or living together when you hardly know them.  

• They Get Upset If You Set Boundaries With Them: If you try to tell them that you want to slow things down, they get upset.  They often refuse to slow down because they're intent on manipulating you.  

• They're Need For Time and Attention is Insatiable: They're very clingy--like a bottomless pit that can never be filled up.  No matter how much time you spend with them, it's never enough.  This sometimes comes in the form of wanting sex multiple times a day when you get together.  They'll convince you that they're "very sexual" and they "need sex," but, in reality, it's that they're very insecure and needy.  They might try to convince you to cancel plans you have with family or friends. They might tell you that they don't understand why you need to have other interests besides them.  And if you don't give them the time or attention they demand, they can get very angry.  

• You Feel Overwhelmed By Their Attention and Their Demands: You feel very pressured and overwhelmed by their demands and their refusal to allow you to set limits or boundaries.

• You Feel Uneasy and Unbalanced: After a while, all this attention and the demands for attention are no longer appealing (if they ever were appealing to you).  They make you feel uneasy and unbalanced because you recognize that it's too much and it's not real.  

From Idealization to Devaluation

No one who is being love bombed can live up to their partner's expectations because no matter how much you give them, it's never enough (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

When you don't live up to their every expectation, it's as if the love bomber flips a switch and not only are you not the best lover and most wonderful person anymore, you're now the worst person they've ever known.  

They will suddenly switch from idealizing you to devaluing you in a nanosecond.  They often heap on a lot of criticism so fast that it can leave your head spinning and wondering how you went from being this ideal person in their eyes to a persona non grata.

Nothing you say in your defense makes any difference because you didn't give them what they wanted--whether it was time, attention, responding to their calls and texts, and so on.  And if you try to ask them how you  went from being so wonderful to being nothing in their eyes, they might go into a narcissistic rage.  

It's as if they rewrite your relationship history.  They might even deny ever feeling that you were so wonderful.  Or, they might say they thought you were wonderful, but now they realize you're horrible.

You're only as good in their eyes as the attention, praise and love you shower on them.  That's the manipulation:  If you want to remain in their good graces, you have to meet their demands.  That's why they have lavished you with praise, gifts, phone calls, texts, etc.  It's to get you to fulfill their narcissistic needs.

People who are narcissistic aren't capable of experiencing a deep sense of love.  That's why they have to make such a show of what they're giving you.  

In addition, they lack empathy, which is why they can't understand (and will become angry) if you try to set limits with them.  It's also why they can hurt you over and over again and not feel remorse.

This superficial showiness of empty words, gifts, compliments, etc., is all they have to give and they're hoping to manipulate you with all these over the top gestures to give them what they want--unending attention and love.

Behind all the showiness and grand gestures the narcissist experiences a lot of shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

A Relationship With a Narcissist is Unstable

Relationships with narcissists are unstable.  You might go through many rounds of idealization, devaluation, breakups and makeups if you go along for the ride.

Once they devalue you, tell you horrible things and break up with you, if you're steeped in grief, they often come back to manipulate you again because they think they have you right where they want you--down and not feeling good about yourself.  So, these relationships are often very dramatic and make you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster.  

Only you can decide when you've had enough of the roller coaster and emotional abuse.  But once you've made it clear that you're over them, they can become vindictive--maligning you to mutual friends or even contacting your workplace to try to get you in trouble. 

Then, they usually move on rather quickly to the next relationship and that person becomes their "soulmate" just as easily as you did.  

This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality switch  can leave you wondering if you're dealing with the same person (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissist: Where Did the Love Go?).  That's due to the fact that the narcissist has an unintegrated personality so that you experience different sides of them at different times.

People who have been in a relationship with a narcissist soon realize how destructive the relationship was and that their partner wasn't capable of real love.

Getting Help in Therapy

Going through cycles of idealization, devaluation and frequent breakups can leave you feeling emotionally broken.

If you have experienced the instability of being in a relationship with a narcissist, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience with this dynamic and who can help you to overcome the trauma.

Working through this traumatic experience in therapy is part of your healing process so that you can move on with your life and feel good about yourself again.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

In my last article, 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone, I discussed the advantages of being friends before getting romantically involved.  And, while there are many advantages to forming a friendship first, there can also be complications involved.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

Sexual Attraction Between Friends

It's not unusual that two friends, who aren't romantically involved, can feel a sexual attraction for each other.  As I mentioned in my previous article, friendships often involve an attraction.

Sexual tension between friends is normal and natural.  Spending time together and sharing similar interests not only strengthens the bonds of friendship--it can also increase the sexual tension between two people.  

In and of itself, sexual tension between friends is neither good nor bad.  What makes it enjoyable or uncomfortable depends on how each of you feels and what you want from one another.

Sometimes other people notice the sexual chemistry between you and your friend before you do.  You might be in denial about it and not even notice it until other people comment on what they've observed.  

There can be many signs they pick up on that you might not notice. They might comment that you seem different or have a certain look with your friend as compared to other friends.  They might notice that you light up when your friend walks into the room or that you and your friend sit close together or touch each other more than usual.  

Sexual Attraction That's Mutual Between You and Your Friend

If you're aware that your friend also feels a sexual attraction for you and might be open to getting romantically involved, you're more likely to feel comfortable with the sexual tension between you.  But if you're not sure and you're worried about jeopardizing your friendship, this can become a source of stress for you.

There can also be extenuating circumstances that make getting romantically involved a problem.  For instance, if you or your friend are in a committed relationship with someone else, you would be wise to pause before getting involved and creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  

Likewise, if you're in a situation where transitioning from friends to a romantic relationship could jeopardize your job or professional relationship, you probably won't want to take the risk.  

That being said, work situations often create the environment for spending a lot of time together and getting close. There are also many people who meet in a work situation and who go on to have a successful relationship without jeopardizing their job.  It depends on your work environment (some companies have specific rules about not getting involved with colleagues and you want to avoid the risk of sexual harassment charges). There is also the issue of whether the two of you can conduct yourself in a professional manner while at work.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reveal Your Sexual Attraction to Your Friend

As previously mentioned, on the one hand, you might enjoy your attraction to your friend without ever doing anything about it.  

On the other hand, your sexual attraction might make you feel uncomfortable and create a painful yearning for something more.  This can be especially painful and triggering if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Only you can decide the risks or rewards of whether to broach the topic with your friend.  If neither of you ever brings it up, you could both be depriving yourself of a great romantic relationship that is based on a solid foundation of friendship.  But the risk is that once you reveal your attraction, there can be some awkwardness between the two of you if your friend doesn't feel the same way.

Talking about the sexual attraction can clear the air and help determine if there is a mutual interest and the possibility for getting romantically involved.  

Chances are that your friend has detected the sexual tension too and might not know how to address it.  A lot of confusion and stress can be avoided when there is open and honest communication between you and your friend about what each of you wants--even if it's awkward at first.

What If Your Friend Doesn't Want to Get Romantically Involved?

The potential rewards of revealing a sexual attraction are many if you and your friend both feel the same way.  But what if your friend doesn't feel the same way or feels the attraction but decides s/he doesn't want to get romantically involved?

Many people think this means the end of the friendship, but this isn't necessarily the case.  You and your friend can still spend time together with the understanding that you will remain friends without getting sexually or romantically involved.

If you're the one who would like to become involved and your feelings aren't reciprocated, you'll need to take extra care of yourself:  

• Tune into your own needs and take time each day doing something you enjoy without this friend.  
• Talk to other trusted friends to get their emotional support.
• Spend time writing in a journal to clarify and release your emotions (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• Try not to spend a lot of time alone with your friend since this would create greater emotional intimacy and a deeper yearning for something more.
• Honor whatever boundaries you and your friend have agreed upon.
• Develop other friendships.
• Date other people.
• Develop other interests that don't involve your friend.

If you continue to have difficulty with being around your friend, you could benefit from seeking professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find yourself in a situation with a friend where your feelings are unrequited, you're not alone.  This is a common occurrence between friends.

If experiencing unrequited feelings brings up earlier unresolved feelings, this can be especially painful, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced therapist who can help you to work through your feelings.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

Researchers have recently discovered that being friends first before dating someone is beneficial in the long run for a successful romantic relationship (see my article: Dating: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

In a study called "Love at First Sight or Friends First?" Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra looked at 137 couples who were either married or living together and discovered that being friends first offered couples greater emotional stability and relationship success than "love at first sight" (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction For Love).

Being Friends First Before Dating Offers More Emotional Stability in a Relationship

They discovered that, although "love at first sight" developed into a romantic relationship more quickly, these relationships exhibited more dissimilarity in terms of personalty characteristics and compatibility.

5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

• You have gotten to know someone first instead of wondering about this person based only on sexual attraction so you can assess if the two of you are compatible.
• You are more likely to share similar interests than a "love at first sight" relationship.
• You have gotten to know your friend in different circumstances, both positive and negative, over time rather than falling head over heels and projecting what you want onto the other person.
• You and your friend are more likely to have been more emotionally supportive of one another over time so you get to see if this person will be there for you when times are rough.
• You are more likely to form a more emotionally intimate and committed relationship with someone you have been friends with first.

Take the Time to Get to Know Someone First

The researchers concluded that people who take the time to get to know someone first have more similar personality traits than people who immediately jump into a relationship.  

In the long run, taking the time to get to know a potential romantic partner provides an opportunity to form a stronger emotional foundation than relationships based "love at first sight." 

You can form a friendship that turns into relationship based on being drawn to each other and enjoying each other's company. Over time you become familiar with your friend's life and you also get to see this person's quirks.

In addition, when you get to know someone over time you learn whether you can trust them, which is the bedrock of any successful romantic relationship.

Sometimes people raise the objection that they don't think they can transition from being friends to forming a romantic relationship because they don't feel that love at first sight feeling. But relationships that start as friendships often have an element of sexual attraction to them even in the friendship phase (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love).

Conclusion

Romantic relationships that start as friendships are often more successful in the long run than relationships that form based on sexual attraction only.

A friends first relationship offers an opportunity to assess compatibility, trustworthiness and commitment.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For People With Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Feel Sexual Desire

There are bound to be times in all relationships when a couple is out of synch in terms of sexual desire. 

Sometimes one person wants to have sex and the other person isn't feeling very sexual in the moment.

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

A lot of times the person who isn't feeling sexual in the moment knows that once they start to get sexually intimate, they will feel sexual desire and this ends up working out.  

But sometimes the person who starts out feeling desire feels hurt that their partner isn't feeling sexual desire from the start.  

This article will explore why this often happens in relationships.

Clinical Vignettes: 

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases which include no identifying information:

Vignette 1: When a Willingness to Have Sex is Enough

Ed and Sam were together for 10 years.  Ed had a very stressful job where he worked long hours so he often came home tired.  Sam worked part time and took care of their two young children when they got home from school.  

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

Generally, they had a good sex life, but Ed usually wasn't in the mood to have sex when Sam wanted to do it.  But Ed was willing to kiss Sam and he would soon get into the mood to have sex. 

Sam didn't personalize it when Ed didn't feel sexual at first.  Sam was confident enough in himself so he didn't see Ed's initial lack of desire as a reflection on his self worth, his looks or his desirability.

Vignette 2:  When a Willingness to Have Sex isn't Enough

Sara and Bob were married for five years, and they had no children. Sara stayed home and Bob worked in a stressful job where he was often worried about his job security.  

When Bob got home from work, he often needed time to himself to relax. But Sara, who had few close friends, waited all day for Bob to come home. As soon as he got in the door, she wanted to cuddle with him--even though he had told her many times that he needed a few minutes to himself.

During the week when Sara wanted to make love, Bob often fell asleep because he was exhausted from work.  When this happened, Sara felt resentful and sad.  She interpreted his tiredness to mean she wasn't attractive or sexy enough for Bob to want her sexually.  

She berated him the next day for not paying enough attention to her.  Even though Bob really felt Sara was attractive and desirable, he couldn't convince Sara of this.

By the weekend, when Bob was more relaxed and rested and he wanted to have sex with Sara, she was still resentful from earlier in the week and she refused to have sex with him.  This became their pattern and, over time, this pattern eroded their relationship.

Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

To understand the difference between Scenario 1 and Scenario 2, it's important to explore attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Vignette 1: Sam

When Sam was growing up, his parents were nurturing and loving towards him.  He grew up in a stable and secure home environment where he knew he was loved.  He was closer to his father, who was especially loving.  His father often delighted in whatever Sam did and Sam grew up feeling confident in himself.  He developed a secure attachment style due to his loving and secure home.

In his relationship with Ed, Sam knew he was attractive and desirable because he had grown up feeling loved and wanted.  So, on those occasions when Ed didn't start out feeling as sexual until they began making love, Sam had enough confidence in himself not to personalize it.  He understood it had nothing to do with him.  He also knew he was lovable and that Ed loved him.

Vignette 2: Sara

As a child, Sara grew up in a home where her parents were often fighting.  There were times when her father would disappear for months at a time and no one knew where he was or if he was coming back.  

Even when both parents were at home, they were so engrossed in their arguments that they barely paid attention to Sara.  They often blamed her for their problems--even though she was a young child.  As a result, she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

As a married woman, Sara needed constant reassurance from Bob that she was attractive and desirable.  But no matter how many times he told her she was attractive and desirable, she never felt reassured.  

Whenever Bob was too tired to have sex, she assumed it was because he didn't love her anymore.  What neither of them understood was that Sara was emotionally vulnerable to feeling this way because of her anxious/insecure attachment style.

Conclusion

Two people in a relationship won't always feel sexual desire at the same time.  

In most cases, a willingness on the part of the partner who might not start out feeling sexual is enough to feel sexual desire once the couple starts having sex.  However, when the other partner struggles with insecure attachment, they can get emotionally triggered in these situations due to unresolved childhood trauma.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved issues that are affecting your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.