How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

At the start of a relationship it's not unusual to go through that heady in love phase where you and your partner enjoy everything about each other and relish the time you spend together.  You're in the early idealized phase of the relationship.  Eventually, if all goes well, you come out of that idealistic phase. You come back down to Earth and you start to see your partner and the relationship in a more realistic way (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

If you remain with your partner and the relationship continues to go well, the two of you eventually develop a more emotionally intimate relationship.  You're no longer like two giddy teenagers in love, but what you have together is more substantial and emotionally satisfying.  

As you get more comfortable with each other, you learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with each other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).  

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is nothing like the reality-based experience I described above.  It might feel good at first, but most people feel uncomfortable with it pretty quickly because they realize that it has very little to do with them. Eventually, they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But, first, let's define it.

Love bombing, as the phrase implies, occurs when someone overwhelms you with attention and praise that's over the top.  Your partner puts you on a pedestal and the only place for you to go is down.  It's a phase in the relationship, as I'll describe below.

Most people who are being love bombed eventually recognize that all of the attention and praise is too good to be true because no one can live up to it.  

An important thing for you to know is that love bombing is a form of manipulation so your partner can get what they want from you (more about this below).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed

Here are typical examples of love bombing:

• You're Their "Soulmate:" Soon after meeting you, your partner tells you that they're convinced you're the "soulmate" they've been waiting for all their life.  They're never been with anyone who is as "wonderful" as you.  As far as they're concerned, you must have been Heaven sent.

• They Give You Over the Top Compliments:  Your partner can't give you enough compliments: "You're the best ______ (fill in the blank: lover, partner, and so on), "No one in the world compares with you," "You're the most beautiful woman (or attractive man) in the world," "I don't want to spend my time with anyone but you from now on," "You're my forever love," etc.

• They Want to Spend a Lot of Time With You: They might tell you that they've cancelled other plans or they don't want to see anyone, but you (and they expect you to do the same): "We don't need anyone else because we have each other."

• They Bombard You With Phone Calls and Texts: They want to be in constant contact with you throughout the day and night.  They might contact you numerous times per day--in the morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, evening and night time.  Then they text or call you at night.  And they expect you to respond immediately.

• They Might Lavish Gifts on You:  Nothing is too good for you. They might make a show of sending two dozen roses to your job so everyone knows how they feel about you.  They might buy expensive theater tickets or plane tickets early on in the relationship.  They're constantly giving you little things, like Teddy bears or little trinkets to show you they think about you all the time.

• They Pressure You For a Commitment Very Early in the Relationship:  They want you to know that you "belong" to them.  They'll talk about marriage or living together when you hardly know them.  

• They Get Upset If You Set Boundaries With Them: If you try to tell them that you want to slow things down, they get upset.  They often refuse to slow down because they're intent on manipulating you.  

• They're Need For Time and Attention is Insatiable: They're very clingy--like a bottomless pit that can never be filled up.  No matter how much time you spend with them, it's never enough.  This sometimes comes in the form of wanting sex multiple times a day when you get together.  They'll convince you that they're "very sexual" and they "need sex," but, in reality, it's that they're very insecure and needy.  They might try to convince you to cancel plans you have with family or friends. They might tell you that they don't understand why you need to have other interests besides them.  And if you don't give them the time or attention they demand, they can get very angry.  

• You Feel Overwhelmed By Their Attention and Their Demands: You feel very pressured and overwhelmed by their demands and their refusal to allow you to set limits or boundaries.

• You Feel Uneasy and Unbalanced: After a while, all this attention and the demands for attention are no longer appealing (if they ever were appealing to you).  They make you feel uneasy and unbalanced because you recognize that it's too much and it's not real.  

From Idealization to Devaluation

No one who is being love bombed can live up to their partner's expectations because no matter how much you give them, it's never enough (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

When you don't live up to their every expectation, it's as if the love bomber flips a switch and not only are you not the best lover and most wonderful person anymore, you're now the worst person they've ever known.  

They will suddenly switch from idealizing you to devaluing you in a nanosecond.  They often heap on a lot of criticism so fast that it can leave your head spinning and wondering how you went from being this ideal person in their eyes to a persona non grata.

Nothing you say in your defense makes any difference because you didn't give them what they wanted--whether it was time, attention, responding to their calls and texts, and so on.  And if you try to ask them how you  went from being so wonderful to being nothing in their eyes, they might go into a narcissistic rage.  

It's as if they rewrite your relationship history.  They might even deny ever feeling that you were so wonderful.  Or, they might say they thought you were wonderful, but now they realize you're horrible.

You're only as good in their eyes as the attention, praise and love you shower on them.  That's the manipulation:  If you want to remain in their good graces, you have to meet their demands.  That's why they have lavished you with praise, gifts, phone calls, texts, etc.  It's to get you to fulfill their narcissistic needs.

People who are narcissistic aren't capable of experiencing a deep sense of love.  That's why they have to make such a show of what they're giving you.  

In addition, they lack empathy, which is why they can't understand (and will become angry) if you try to set limits with them.  It's also why they can hurt you over and over again and not feel remorse.

This superficial showiness of empty words, gifts, compliments, etc., is all they have to give and they're hoping to manipulate you with all these over the top gestures to give them what they want--unending attention and love.

Behind all the showiness and grand gestures the narcissist experiences a lot of shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

A Relationship With a Narcissist is Unstable

Relationships with narcissists are unstable.  You might go through many rounds of idealization, devaluation, breakups and makeups if you go along for the ride.

Once they devalue you, tell you horrible things and break up with you, if you're steeped in grief, they often come back to manipulate you again because they think they have you right where they want you--down and not feeling good about yourself.  So, these relationships are often very dramatic and make you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster.  

Only you can decide when you've had enough of the roller coaster and emotional abuse.  But once you've made it clear that you're over them, they can become vindictive--maligning you to mutual friends or even contacting your workplace to try to get you in trouble. 

Then, they usually move on rather quickly to the next relationship and that person becomes their "soulmate" just as easily as you did.  

This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality switch  can leave you wondering if you're dealing with the same person (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissist: Where Did the Love Go?).  That's due to the fact that the narcissist has an unintegrated personality so that you experience different sides of them at different times.

People who have been in a relationship with a narcissist soon realize how destructive the relationship was and that their partner wasn't capable of real love.

Getting Help in Therapy

Going through cycles of idealization, devaluation and frequent breakups can leave you feeling emotionally broken.

If you have experienced the instability of being in a relationship with a narcissist, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience with this dynamic and who can help you to overcome the trauma.

Working through this traumatic experience in therapy is part of your healing process so that you can move on with your life and feel good about yourself again.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.