Trying to Understand Your Father

Historically, psychological theories have placed a lot of emphasis on the relationship between the mother and the child.  This is understandable due to the important role that the mother has from the time the child is in utero, through the formative years of emotional development, and throughout the course of life.  But, in my opinion, until recently,  there has been relatively little attention paid to the role of the father.  

Trying to Understand Your Father

Despite the relative lack of attention to fathers in psychological theory, psychotherapy clients have been coming to therapy to try to understand their fathers for as long as people have been coming to therapy.  So, in my opinion, this is an important topic for many people, and I will be discussing this issue over the course of several blog articles.

Trying to Understand Your Father
Over the years, many clients that I've seen in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC come to therapy because they have unresolved emotional issues about their father.

In many cases, as adults, these clients are trying to develop a better understanding of their father.  In some cases, their father is still alive and they're trying to develop a better relationship with their father.  In other instances, their father is deceased and they're trying to understand who their father was to them and who he was out in the world with others.

Trying to Understand Your Father

In other cases, clients never knew their father at all because he wasn't around when they were growing up.  In some instances, the father was physically present but he was emotionally remote.

Other clients were raised by a single mother and the father was in and out of their lives.  Or, in some cases, the man they thought was their father was not their father, and these clients are shocked to discover this later in life.  Often, these clients don't find out about this family secret until their fathers are deceased and they regret that they have lost the opportunity to have a relationship with the father while he was alive.

As Men Become Fathers, They Often Face Unresolved Emotional Issues About Their Father
For many men, who are now fathers themselves or who are about to become fathers, emotional issues about their own fathers come up.   Some of these issues might not have seemed important before.  But now that they are at the stage of their lives when they are fathers, unresolved emotional issues about their own father are now important.

Unresolved Emotional Issues With a Father

For instance, if they grew up with a father, they might have feelings about who their father was to them and whether they want to be like their father with their own children.  Or, if they never grew up with a father, they might be particularly aware of wanting to spend time with their children because they know what it's like to miss having a father.

When we consider all the possibilities that are involved with father-child relationships, we begin to see the complexity of this topic.  There are so many different types of father-child relationships, including heterosexual and gay fathers and children.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people want to understand and improve their relationship with one or both parents, but they feel stuck and don't know how to overcome this problem.

If you need to help to work through your problems with one or both of your parents, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I've helped many men and women to work through emotional issues about their father.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see articles: 
Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad
Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Dad
Fathers and Daughters: Daddy's "Little Girl" Is All Grown Up Now

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face at Midlife

Steven Petrow wrote an article for the New York Times in which he gives advice to gay men in midlife who feel "invisible" in the gay male community (see link below).

As a psychotherapist in NYC, who specializes in working with the LGBT community, I've heard many older gay men talk about the social isolation they feel in the gay male community because they say there is such an emphasis on being young in that community and, as older men, they feel like outcasts.

Add to this that older gay men have often lost many friends and lovers to AIDS and you can begin to understand the challenges that they face.

The Challenges Many Gay Men Face in Midlife

Older Lesbians, in General, Tend to Have More of a Social Network
As compared to older gay men, older lesbians, in general, tend to have more of a social network because there isn't such an emphasis on being young, and lesbians aren't as affected by AIDS as gay men.

I would be interested to hear from older gay men, who have experienced this type of social isolation, especially with regard to any useful strategies you would recommend for your peers.

I've included resource links below.

A Gay Man at Midlife Ponders Being Lonely and "Invisible" - by Steven Petrow - New York Times

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Resources:
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Center - NYC

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Many people find that writing about their thoughts and emotions in a journal helps them relieve stress and anxiety.    Why is this?

Journal Writing Can Help You to Organize Your Thoughts and Balance Your Emotions
When you're under a lot of stress or experiencing anxiety, you can feel overwhelmed by the thoughts and emotions that you might be experiencing.

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Journal writing can help you to organize your thoughts and balance your emotions.  Rather than feeling overwhelmed and, possibly, confused, you can capture these feelings in writing and, as you do, the act of writing them down can help you organize your experience.

Journal Writing Can Help You to See the Meaning in Your Experiences
Often, when you write about your experiences in a journal, you begin to recognize that these experiences have meaning for you.  Rather than seeing them as just random experiences, you can begin to understand what meaning they have for you in your life.

When you can see the meaning of a particular experience, even if it's a painful experience, you might begin to understand it's significance in the context of your life.

For instance, if you're recovering from an illness that was particularly challenging for you, by writing about it in your journal, you might recognize that going through this experience helped you to realize how precious life.  It can help you to reflect on how you've been living your life, what you want to do with the rest of your life, and who you want in your life.

Journal Writing Can Help You to Make Connections
When you organize your thoughts in writing and you begin to see the meaning of your experiences in the context of your life, it can help you to make connections to other current and past experiences.

The act of writing down your thoughts can help you to see patterns that you engage in that you might not have recognized before.

For instance, if you're writing down your feelings about an argument you had with your significant other, as you think about what happened and how you reacted, you might recognize that your tendency is to withdraw emotionally for days at a time after one of these arguments. This insight can help you to see how this reaction is affecting you and your relationship.  It can also help you to decide if you want to change your behavior.

Journal Writing Can Help You to Talk About Something That's Upsetting You
Organizing your thoughts in writing, giving meaning to your experience, and making important connections can help you to talk about what's bothering you.  It can give you the clarity you need to have an important talk with a loved one.

Journal Writing is Low Cost
All you need is a notebook and a pen or, if you choose to keep your journal online, a secure and private site.

The type of journal you use is a personal choice.   Sometimes, a regular notebook or loose leaf book that's not too fancy is best.  Sometimes, when people buy beautiful journals, the beauty of the journal can make it feel too "precious."  They feel that they can only write "important" thoughts rather than just letting themselves write freely.

Some people like to carry a small notebook around with them to jot down their feelings.  Other people prefer a larger book with unlined pages so they can include artwork like drawings or clippings.  The most important thing is that the journal is private so you feel free to write whatever you want.

Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions
I often recommend journal writing to therapy clients as a way to capture their feelings between therapy sessions.  A lot can come up between sessions and it's easy to forget if you don't write it down.  Writing in a journal between sessions can also help you to reflect on whatever came up in the therapy session as well as how your thoughts and feelings evolve over time.

A Word About Timing
When considering whether to write about a traumatic event, some people find that it's best for them to wait until a little time has passed before they capture their thoughts in writing because they're not ready to face their emotions about the trauma.

Other people find it helps them to write about the traumatic event soon after it happens.  There's no right or wrong about when you write.  You'll discover what's best for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me an email.

Also see my article: Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

Often, when people feel stuck with where they are in their lives, their disappointment has a way of coloring their perspective about all of their life--not just their current state.  Usually, this is a distorted view based on how they're feeling about themselves now.  

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

When I'm working with a psychotherapy client whose self perception is distorted in this way, I often recommend that she write down the milestones of her life to help her gain a better perspective.

What Are Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones are memorable markers in a lifetime.  Milestones can be memorable events or accomplishments.  Whether they're happy or sad occasions, they represent important events in your life.

Why Write Down the Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones usually serve to give you a perspective on how your life has changed over time.  So, if you're struggling at the moment because you're feeling stuck and you feel that nothing ever changes in your life, writing down and reviewing the milestones in your life, can give you a different perspective.

Whether you view the important milestones in your life as being positive or negative or some combination of the two, you can see how your life has changed over time.

You can also gain a perspective that your life will continue to change over time.  This can be a useful perspective if you're currently feeling stuck.

Usually, I recommend that clients write down the milestones on a timeline starting with the earliest memories on the left and moving forward to the right on the timeline.

Which Events Should You Choose to Write About?
It's completely up to you which events you choose.  There's no wrong way to do this exercise.  Even two people who seem to have similar lives, at least from an external perspective, will usually have very different feelings about what's important to each of them, so they'll focus on different milestones.

One of them might include milestones about memorable birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time she fell in love. And the other might include certain accomplishments, like graduating college, getting an article published in a magazine and the death of a parent.

The Milestones That Seem Important to You Often Change Over Time
What's interesting to see, if you do this exercise at various times in your life, is that some of the milestones that you choose will be different at various stages of your life.

For one thing, there are new milestones as time goes on.

But, even more interesting is that, often, when you look at the same events at different points in your life, different events will seem more important at any given time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones
This makes sense when we realize that what's important to us changes over time, so what stands out at any given time as a milestone is likely to change with the passage of time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones 

That's why writing down milestones at various points in your life can be such an eye opener in terms of how you see yourself and your life.

Milestones to Accomplish Your Long-Term Goals
Writing down milestones can be done retrospectively or as a way to set long-term goals for the future.  So, if you have a particular long-term goal that you would like to accomplish, you can write down the milestones that you would need to accomplish in order to achieve your goal.

Feeling More Empowered in Your Life

Whether you use milestones retrospectively or to set goals for the future, writing them down and looking at them over time can help you, especially when you feel stuck in your life, to realize that life is always changing over time.

And when you recognize that life changes over time, you can also feel empowered to take steps to make the changes you would like to see in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Many psychotherapy clients feel uncomfortable talking about sexual problems in their therapy, whether they're in individual therapy or they're participating in couples counseling.  Even though their problems might be having a significant impact in their lives, clients often avoid talking about sexual problems with their therapist.  To make matters worse, therapists often avoid asking about it.

The Importance of Talking to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sexual Problems With Your Therapist?
There can be many reasons why you might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sex, including:

• You don't know how to bring up the topic of sex in your therapy session.
• You don't know how to describe the sexual problem that you're having.
• You fear being judged by your therapist.
• You feel ashamed of your sexual problem.
• You feel guilty about your sexual problem.
• You feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual problems because of your therapist's age or gender.
• You're afraid to talk about your sexual problem because it would be violating a family secret to talk about it.
• You feel you'll be defying cultural or religious conventions by bringing up problems about sex in your therapy.
• You think you'll make your therapist feel uncomfortable if you talk about your sexual problem.
• You're in denial about how significant the sexual problem is in your life.
• You've resigned yourself to living with the sexual problem because you don't think there's anything that can be done about it.
• You tried discussing the problem before, either with family members or in a prior therapy, and you had a bad experience.

There can be many other reasons why you, as an individual client in therapy or as part of a couple in couples counseling, might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual issues.

It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It Important to Address Sexual Problems in Your Therapy Sessions?
Sex is a natural part of life, and yet most people feel uncomfortable talking to their therapist about sex.  The degree of discomfort is different for everyone.

Just like any other problem, unless you address it in therapy, you're not giving yourself an opportunity to overcome this problem with your therapist's help.

It might be hard to imagine at this point in your life, but working through a sexual problem in therapy can help you feel so much better about yourself.

Often, once you begin talking to your therapist about a problem, whether it's about sex or anything else, what might have seemed impossible for you to talk about suddenly seems not as bad as you expected.

Over the years, I've had many clients, who, once they began to address an uncomfortable issue, came away feeling, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In fact, I feel relieved that I'm starting to talk about it."  They feel less burdened by the problem now that it's not a secret in therapy any more.

Some Helpful Tips to Help You Talk to Your Therapist About a Sexual Problem

• Recognize that, if you're seeing an experienced therapist, she has probably heard just about anything that you can imagine.  
• Take comfort in knowing that sexual problems aren't unusual among individuals and couples, so you're not alone.
• Be aware that you can take your time and you don't have to reveal every aspect of the sexual problem all at once.  You might start out by just telling your therapist that you have a sexual problem that you're not feeling comfortable talking about.  You and your therapist can begin by addressing what might help you to feel more comfortable so that you can open up about this issue.
• Recognize that if you start to feel overwhelmed with anxiety as you begin discussing the sexual problem, you can pause so your therapist can help you to calm yourself.  After you've calmed down and you feel emotionally safe again, you can resume talking about it.

Sexual Problems and Trauma
When sexual problems involve trauma, it's important to work with a therapist who has expertise with both problems.

A skilled therapist will know how to work with the sexual trauma in a way that feels safe and comfortable for the client.  This doesn't mean that the work won't be uncomfortable at times, but a trauma therapist, who is a licensed mental health  clinician, usually has the skills and experience to work in a way where the therapy is not retraumatizing for the client.

How I Work With Emotional Trauma
Whether the client's trauma involves sexual abuse or it's some other form of trauma, I often like to use Somatic Experiencing (also known as SE) because it's a gentle and effective form of therapy that was developed specifically for trauma.

By using Somatic Experiencing, the client and I can work on the problems in manageable segments rather than trying to do too much too quickly where client is likely to feel overwhelmed.

When I'm working with a client who has emotional trauma, whether it's sexual trauma or any other form of emotional trauma, I like to provide clients with psychoeducation first so they understand how I work.

Then, the client and I collaborate on how we will work together.  I have many different ways that I work with trauma.  Aside from Somatic Experiencing, I also use EMDR and clinical hypnosis, which are also effective treatment modalities for trauma.

Every psychotherapy client is unique, so it's important that each treatment is tailored to the needs of each client.  This is why the first session is a consultation where I meet with the client so that the client sees if he or she is comfortable with me, and I can determine if what the client is looking for is within the scope of my expertise.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're an individual or a couple, if you're having sexual problems, you're not alone.  

Taking the first step to get help is often the hardest.  But once you've taken that first step, it can be such a relief.  

Sexual Problems in Your Relationship Can Get Worked Out With Help in Therapy

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about it, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

Falling in love with your best friend is a common theme in many books, movies, TV programs, and newspaper articles because it happens all the time, no matter how old you are.  

The phenomenon of falling in love with your best friend is often portrayed in stories about young people, but I've also seen it happen with people who are older.  It happens among heterosexual as well as gay people.  It makes sense that two people who have a lot in common and who have developed a bond based on trust and affection would fall in love with each other.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

What Are the Potential Positive Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

Developing a Romantic Relationship on a Solid Foundation
When the feelings have developed over time and they're mutual, it has the potential to be a wonderful experience.  Since you already know each other so well, your romantic relationship can build on a solid foundation.  If you're best friends, you already know each other's likes, dislikes, interests and opinions about important issues, like views on families, spirituality, finances, and so on.

If it's a long term friendship, you've probably been there for each other during hard times, which is an important element in a romantic relationship.  You probably also have other friends in common.

Developing a Romantic Relationship as an Extension of Your Friendship
Your relationship started as a friendship, and then a romantic spark might have developed between the two of you over time as you got to know each other better.

This tends to be a more stable way of developing a relationship than "love at first sight," although "love at first sight" works for many couples too.  It's just that when the experience is "love at first sight," the romantic chemistry isn't always enough to build a relationship on.  "Love at first sight" is often an unconscious process and, although it can be exhilarating, it's only a first step whereas a romantic relationship that started as a friendship usually has more substance.

What Are the Potential Negative Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

The potential positive aspects that I mentioned above are all based on there being mutual feelings between the two friends.  But romantic feelings between two friends aren't always mutual.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You
This can be awkward and tricky.  If your best friend hasn't given you any indication that s/he also has romantic feelings for you, this doesn't mean that s/he doesn't.  It can just mean that you're both too afraid to reveal romantic feelings because you both fear losing the friendship, which is a real possibility.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You

Sometimes, you can sense when your friend has a romantic interest in you, and you can broach the topic with some, but not a lot, of risk.  But if you can't tell, in my opinion, you'll need to use tact and be subtle in your approach.

Holding Back If Your Best Friend is Already in a Relationship
If your best friend is already in a relationship, there isn't much you can do.  You need to accept that your friend isn't available and learn to deal with your feelings.  Trying to do anything that would break up that relationship will back fire and, especially if your friend is married, you'll be perceived as "a home wrecker" or worse.  Even if your friend left the other person for you, trust issues could develop about your relationship together later on.

Deciding What to Do If There is No Possibility of Your Best Friend Developing Romantic Feelings For You
It's possible that the timing might be wrong.  But whatever the reason, this is often an emotionally painful and awkward role to be in, whatever role you're in in this situation.

If you've fallen in love with your best friend and you know there's no possibility of your friend feeling the same way, you and your friend have some decisions to make.

There are plenty of friendships that go on to survive and thrive under these circumstances...if you can work out how to handle it.  It might require that the two of you take some time apart for a while so that the romantic feelings subside.  After a while, you might be able to reconnect without damage to the friendship.  You might want to consider if you've been avoiding meeting and dating other people, and if you want to open up to new potential romantic relationships.

Whether you continue the friendship or you take a break, be aware that you'll need to be able to deal with your friend meeting, dating and, possibly, falling in love with someone else.  This isn't easy when you're still in love with your friend.

Be honest with yourself:  Will you be able to handle this or will it be too hurtful for you, even if you take a break?  Will you feel too resentful or jealous?  Only you can decide this.

Falling In Love With a Best Friend Happens in "Real Life," Not Just in the Movies
Falling in love with your best friend doesn't just happen on TV or in the movies.  Movies like "When Harry Met Sally" are popular because they resonate with many people who have had this experience. Knowing that this is a common experience, hopefully, helps you to realize what you're experiencing isn't unusual or strange.

Knowing the potential risks and rewards can help you decide what to do about your feelings.  There are many people who try to avoid dealing with this situation because they're too afraid of risking the friendship.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend Happens in "Real Life"

While, as I've mentioned, there are potential risks, in my opinion, it would be even sadder to find out years later that  a relationship was possible at an earlier time but that, unacknowledged, these feelings fizzled out for your friend and, although you might still be interested, your friend's feelings changed over time because you were both too afraid to talk about it.  But only you can decide what's best for you.

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Examples of Falling In Love with Your Best Friend:

"When Harry Met Sally"

"My Best Friend's Wedding"

New York Times - Modern Love: A Life Plan for Two, Followed by One

Medication Alone Isn't as Effective as Psychotherapy to Overcome Anxiety or Depression

In recent years, there has been an increased emphasis on taking medication to overcome anxiety or depression.  While medication can be helpful, medication alone often isn't enough.  Aside from the possible side effects, medication alone doesn't help you to make the kind of changes you need to make to overcome anxiety or depression.  Rather than relying on medication alone, attending psychotherapy with an experienced therapist is usually more effective.

Medication Alone Isn't as Effective as Psychotherapy

Medication Alone Isn't Enough to Overcome Anxiety or Depression
Believing that medication alone is enough for you to overcome anxiety or depression is a seductive idea.  It sounds simple and quick.  There are lots of commercials on TV that lead you to believe that all you have to do is pop a pill to fill better.  But this idea is deceptive.

Psychotherapy is Effective in Helping You to Make Changes in Your Life to Overcome Anxiety or Depression 
Just taking medication alone won't help you to make much-needed changes in your life to overcome anxiety or depression.  There might be things that you're doing (or not doing) that might be contributing to your anxiety or depression.

By simply taking a pill, you won't learn to make the necessary changes that might be exacerbating your condition.

For instance, medication won't help you to develop emotional intelligence to handle your problems.  Developing emotional intelligence is something you learn to do in therapy.

Also, medication alone won't help to motivate you to engage in the type of self care that might actually make it unnecessary to take medication.

So, for instance, research has shown that, in many instances, doing exercise can be as effective to alleviate anxiety or depressive symptoms as medication and without the side effects.  In therapy, you can develop the motivation to exercise and engage in other types of self care that can help you to feel better.

In many cases, either psychotherapy alone or psychotherapy and medication can be effective, depending upon the client and the severity of the symptoms.

It's very important that you consult with your doctor before you stop taking medication.

See the link below for my article about APA research, which reveals that psychotherapy is effective, but it's underutilized.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or send me an email: josephineolivia@aol.com 


APA: Research Reveals That Psychotherapy Is Effective But Underutilized