Relationships: Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

Becoming new parents can be joyous and wonderful, but it can also be challenging to your relationship which can make you feel guilty.

Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

The Challenges of Being New Parents

Some of the challenges of being a new parents are fairly well known:

• Being sleep deprived especially during the first few months

• Feeling irritable due to sleep deprivation

• Experiencing poor concentration due to lack of sleep

• Experiencing increased stress and anxiety (see my article: Recognizing the Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress)

• Losing patience with your partner and yourself

• Feeling anxious about being a new parent (see my article: Self Help Tips For Dealing With Anxiety)

• Feeling like you are not a "good enough" parent

• Experiencing postpartum depression

Postpartum Depression

• Feeling jealous that your partner pays more attention to the baby than to you

• Feeling like you are neglecting yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?)

• Feeling like you and your partner are neglecting your needs as a couple

• Feeling the need to take a break from parenting

• Realizing you and your partner have different parenting styles

• Feeling like you have lost control of your life, your relationship and your household

• Not feeling like a sexual being (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Feeling less physically attractive

• Feeling less sexually attracted to your partner (see my article: What is Attraction?)

• Having less sex in your relationship (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Listening to seemingly endless advice and childrearing stories from relatives and friends

• Coping with visits from relatives and friends when you're exhausted (see my article: Coping With Difficult In-Laws).

• Re-experiencing traumatic memories from your own childhood

Awareness and Acceptance That Your Relationship Has Changed

Before you had the baby, the two of you probably had more time to do whatever you wanted to do or to just relax at home.

The two of you could focus on yourself as individuals and your relationship as a couple. 

Before you had the baby, you probably knew your lives would change and you both would need to adjust, but knowing it and actually experiencing the changes are two different things.

Now, in addition to being a couple, you're both parents and parenting will take up most of your time and energy. You don't have as much time to nurture your relationship as you did before the baby because the baby's needs are the priority. 

In the past, when two or three generations lived close by, new parents had more help, but things have changed in recent years and many new parents don't have close relatives who can help. So, all the responsibilities of taking care of a baby fall on the new parents, which adds to their stress and anxiety.

All of these factors and more can have a negative impact on your relationship as you both realize how much your life has changed.

How to Navigate the Change to Your Relationship as New Parents

• Cultivate awareness and acceptance that your life and your relationship have changed (see my article: Change, Awareness and Acceptance).

• Find ways to practice self care even if these practices are small (see my article: Finding Time for Self Care).

• Approach these new life changes as a team (see my article: Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork).

• Develop open communication about how you feel about your new role as a parent and feelings it might bring up about your relationship.

• Make time for each other, even in small ways. This can help you to maintain an emotional connection with each other.

• Share responsibilities for the baby and other household responsibilities fairly (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• Reassess the need to shift responsibilities from time to time so neither of you feel resentful.

• Be patient with yourself and each other as you both navigate these changes.

• Get help from a licensed mental health professional if the changes have put a strain on your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Adding another commitment to your schedule might feel like the last thing you want to do with all your new responsibilities, but if your relationship is suffering due to all the new changes that parenthood brings, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist to salvage your relationship.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to adjust to the changes to your relationship so you can approach the changes as a team.

Rather than waiting until your relationship problems get worse, seek help early so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

Practicing teamwork in your relationship is essential to developing and maintaining relationships (see my article: Relationships: Are You Pulling Together or Pulling Apart?).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

To practice teamwork, it's important for both you and your partner to feel you have each other's backs and you will tackle whatever issues come up together.

Focusing on being a team means you each give up some control and the need to be right all the time. It also means that you learn to compromise.

How to Practice Teamwork to Improve Your Relationship

The following dynamics are important to working together as a team in your relationship:

• A Willingness to Start By Looking at How You Might Be Contributing to Problems in the Relationship: Before you can become a team, you need to be aware of dynamics in your relationship that are not working. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, focus on yourself first and think about how you might be able to change to improve your relationship. This means letting go of keeping score of your partner's mistakes and making a commitment to make changes in your attitude and behavior.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Trusting You Have Each Other's Backs and You're Willing to Compromise: You are two different people so, naturally, you're not going to feel the same way about everything, but when it comes to resolving problems, you can agree to work as a team to come up with a compromise. You're not focused on getting your way. Instead your focus is on coming up with the best possible compromise that you both can live with.  This means you might not get everything you want, but your focus is on strengthening your relationship. If there are current trust issues, you're willing to work on these issues to strengthen your relationship (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Coming Together to Focus on the Problem Instead of Blaming Each Other: When you approach problems as a team, you avoid blaming each other for the problems and, instead, you focus on the problems together. It means you and your partner approach difficult situations together to come up with potential solutions or compromises. This might include:

• Money issues (see my article: Arguing About Money)

• Family problems (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Your Parents Don't Get Along)

• Career changes
  

• Stress (see my article: Recognizing Signs That You Are Under Too Much Stress

• Emotional pressures

• Other issues

• Communicating in An Open, Honest and Respectful Manner: This includes: 

• Active listening to your partner's perspective--even if it's different from your own

• Taking turns speaking without interrupting, judging or criticizing each other

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Being clear about your own hopes and dreams for the relationship--even if it's different from your partner's hopes and dreams

• Emotionally validating each other's feelings--even if you disagree with your partner's perspective (see my article: How to Use Emotional Validation in Your Relationship)

• Establishing Common Goals (see my article: 10 Relationshp Goals That Can Make Your Relationship Stronger)

• Developing Clear Expectations: Once you have established common goals for the relationship, you need to discuss how you will accomplish these goals and get clear about each other's expectations with regard to each of your roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and resentment.

• Celebrating Your Successes: When you have successfully taken a step towards accomplishing your goals, recognize and celebrate this success together.

Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork

• Providing Emotional Support to Each Other: Practicing teamwork includes being each other's source of emotional support. You are each other's "rock" in good and challenging times (see my article: What Do You Need to Feel Closer to Your Partner?).

• Expressing Your Appreciation For Each Other: It's easy to take each other for granted especially if you have been together for a while. Take the time to express your appreciation to each other so you each feel valued and loved (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Making Time For Each Other: Scheduling quality time to spend together to have fun. This includes time for emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Try a Little Playfulness).

• Repairing Ruptures Between the Two of You Sooner Rather Than Later: When arguments or conflicts arise and you know you made a mistake or hurt your partner, be willing to apologize to repair the rupture between the two of you as quickly as possible. Certain ruptures might take a while to repair, but the sooner you address them, the more likely you will be to repair whatever hurt or angry feelings there might be without the growing resentment that often develops over time (see my articles: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship and Stages of Forgiveness).

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: If you are unable to come together as a team, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy to work on these issues. A skilled couples therapist can help you so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In a prior article I began a discussion about verbal abuse (see my article: The Connection Between "Tough Love" and Verbal Abuse).

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem 

In the current article I'm focusing on how verbal abuse can affect self esteem.

How Does Verbal Abuse Affect Self Esteem?

When children experience verbal abuse, the abuse can have long lasting effects on their self esteem.

Clinical Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many cases, illustrates how verbal abuse can have long lasting effects and how trauma therapy can help:

John

As the youngest child, John grew up in a household where his father yelled and criticized him while his mother, who was intimidated by the father, stood by passively and did nothing. His older siblings would also join in the criticism by bullying John. He grew up feeling that he couldn't do anything right. His self esteem was so low that, even though he was intelligent, he was fearful of raising his hand in class to answer the teachers' questions. He only had one friend who also came from a household where he was verbally abused. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

By the time John got to college, he spent most of his time alone until he met Peggy in English class. She was friendly and outgoing and she asked John out on a date. They dated throughout college and both of them planned to move to New York City when they graduated. By then, John's confidence was so low that he was afraid to apply for jobs, so Peggy encouraged him to get help in therapy. 

After he began seeing a trauma therapist, John learned how his father's verbal abuse affected how he felt about himself. His therapist helped John by using EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help him to overcome the traumatic effects of the childhood verbal abuse.

Nina

Nina was an only child with a single alcoholic mother. She learned to take care of herself at an unusually young age because she couldn't rely on her mother, who was often drunk and passed out. When her mother woke up with a hangover, she would be angry and hostile towards Nina. She would call her names and tell her she wished Nina had never been born. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

After one of her teachers suspected that Nina was being abused, she called the Administration For Children's Services Child Protective Services and Nina was eventually placed in kinship foster care with a maternal aunt who lived nearby. 

Although her aunt was much more nurturing, the impact of the mother's verbal abuse had already had a devastating effect on Nina. Even though she was no longer around her mother, Nina had internalized her mother's verbal abuse to such an extent that she was now criticizing herself silently by repeating in her mind, "I'm so stupid" or "I'm no good." 

By the time she was 18, her self esteem was so slow that she told aunt she didn't want to go to college. So, her aunt found Nina a trauma therapist who did AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) to help Nina overcome the impact of her mother's neglect and verbal abuse. After working in trauma therapy, Nina felt more confident and she applied to several colleges. 

Tom

By the time Tom was 35 years old, he had been living an lonely and isolated life for all his life. Growing up as the youngest child, he watched his parents argue constantly and his father frequently left the household for extended periods of time without saying when he would come back. Tom and his older brothers spent most of their time isolated in their own rooms. 

Eventually his older brothers moved out without a word, so Tom was left alone with his combative parents. He tried to stay out of their way, but they would often turn their anger on him by yelling at him and criticizing almost everything he did. As a result, Tom grew up with a lot of shame and low self esteem.  

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help in therapy because he was suffering with anxiety and depression, and his self esteem was so low that he lacked the confidence to meet women. So, he sought help from a trauma therapist who did Parts Work Therapy and he began to recover from the impact of his childhood trauma.

Conclusion

The negative impact of verbal abuse experienced in childhood often endures throughout adulthood.

Even though verbal aggression tends to be minimized in our culture, verbal abuse can be just as traumatic as physical or sexual abuse.

The vignettes presented above are just some of the possible ways verbal abuse can be traumatizing. 

Often, adults don't connect their low self esteem, depression or anxiety to their childhood history.  Instead, they might blame themselves or believe they are "not good enough" or they are "unlovable" without ever making the connection to their history or realizing they can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling with low self esteem as a result of unresolved trauma, you can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome harmful effects of unresolved trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

11 Characteristics of Happy Couples

All relationships go through challenges from time to time, but happy couples tend to have certain characteristics in common:

• Effective Communication: Their communication with each other tends to be open and honest. They share their needs and their concerns even when it's challenging to do so. This includes active listening (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heart or Hugged?).

Characteristics of Happy Couple

• Trust and Honesty: Along with effective communication and active listening, happy couples build a foundation of trust and honesty.

• Mutual Respect: They value each other's feelings and perspective. They also respect each other's individuality.

• Empathy and Kindness: They strive to understand each other with empathy and kindness and they support each other's emotional needs (see my article: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Commitment: They are committed to each other and invest emotionally in their relationship (see my article: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship).

• Compromise and Flexibility: They work as a team to be flexible and find ways to compromise (see my article: Why is Emotional Intelligence Important in Your Relationship?).

• Healthy Conflict Resolution: They address conflicts in a respectful and constructively to find ways to resolve their problems as a team (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Prioritize the Relationship: Even though they have friends, they work and they maintain relationships with family members, they prioritize their relationship as being the most important relationship. 

• Maintain a Healthy Sex Life: They make time for sexual intimacy in ways where they can both enjoy sex (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

• Shared Goals and Values: They support each other's individual goals and dreams and work towards achieving relationship goals (see my articles: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Characteristics of Happy Couples

• Make Time For Fun and Playfulness: They balance the rest of their life by making time to have fun and be playful with each other (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, all couples go through challenging times.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Characteristics of Happy Couples

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship if you wish to stay together or help you to end the relationship amicably and with respect (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy Sessions).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: 6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict

It's not unusual for people who are in high conflict relationships to seek help in couples therapy after many years of being in conflict.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist for individual adults and couples, when a couple responds to each other with a great deal of emotional reactivity, I help them to slow down to become aware of how each of them contributes to their conflicts.

Before a high conflict couple can make positive changes in their relationship, each of them has to become self aware so they can reduce their reactivity and listen to their partner (see my article: 5 Tips to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Calm Yourself to Actively Listen to Your Partner: One of the problems high conflict couples have is that each one of them is just waiting for their chance to blame their partner, so they're not listening to what their partner is saying (see my article: Tips on Active Listening).

• Develop Self Reflect Capacity: Rather than focusing on what you think your partner said or did wrong, reflect on how you come across in your relationship. Spend time writing about it in a journal to capture your thoughts and go deeper in self awareness (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why It's Important For You).

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Stop Being Hostile to Your Partner: Couples, who are hostile, can use overt hostility in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling to respond to their partner. They can also use passive aggressive behavior or nonverbal hostility (e.g., eye rolling) and sarcasm disguised as a "joke". Each person in the relationship needs to learn to stop these behaviors (see my article: Improve Your Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling).

• Take Responsibility and Admit When You're Wrong: After you become aware of your own negative ways of communicating, it's important to take responsibility and apologize.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relaitonship

• Find Authentic Ways to Connect With Your Partner: High conflict couples often disengage from each other by distracting themselves with their phones, TV, video games and so on. Even if your relationship is not where you would like it to be, it's important to take time to connect with each other in meaningful ways without distractions. This might mean you both go for a walk in a park or do other activities that you both enjoy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have deeply ingrained negative habits, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in couples work can help you to develop the necessary skills to have a more meaningful relationship or, if the relationship is beyond repair, she can help you to separate in an amicable and respectful way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experience and Sex Therapist

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Relationships: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focusing on the 5 Stages of Relationships in my recent articles:

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Commitment Stage and how to navigate changes in this stage of your relationship.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

As a recap: The 5 Relationship Stages including the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Commitment Stage of a Relationship?

The Commitment Stage usually occurs after two or more years.

The Commitment Stage includes:

• An acceptance of each other flaws and annoying habits

• An awareness that the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative aspects

• An increased comfort with each other than in the prior stages

• A feeling of safety and security in the relationship

What Are the Challenges of the Commitment Stage?

• Continue improving your communication skills (see my article: Improving Communication Skills: Do You Want to Be Heard, Helped or Hugged?

• Assess if your needs and wants are being responded to by your partner and vice versa

• Maintain an awareness of the goals you and your partner have set

• Become aware of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and if the need for security and safety have decreased the sexual intimacy (see my article:  Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the challenges of the Commitment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Bill

Three years into their relationship, Jane and Bill got engaged. 

At that point, they were living together for two years and they felt comfortable, secure and emotionally safe with each other.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They had already navigated the challenges of Honeymoon, Uncertainty and Adjustment Stages, but they were having problems with sexual intimacy in their relationship so they sought help from a couples therapist who was also a certified sex therapist.

In their couples therapy they realized that their relationship, which was once passionate and exciting, had transitioned into almost a friendship once they became emotionally secure and safe with each other.

While they were happy that they felt close to each other, they missed the sexual passion they once experienced in the earlier part of their relationship.

Their couples/sex therapist helped them to keep their emotional intimacy while improving their sexual intimacy. 

They realized they had gradually let go of the sexual part of their relationship which got crowded out by work and personal obligations. 

They didn't expect sex to be as exciting as it had been during the Honeymoon Stage of their relationship, but they wanted to have more satisfying sex.

Although they were reluctant to do it at first, they learned to schedule sex so it didn't get crowded out of their schedule (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

They realized that, before they lived together, the longing and anticipation during the early stage of their relationship was no longer present (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned from their couples/sex therapist about spontaneous and responsive desire and that most couples who have been together for a while experience responsive desire.

Responsive desire means they might not feel sexually turned on before they begin to have sex, but they could get turned on once they start (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Common and Normal).

Both Jane and Bill were skeptical at first, but they agreed to include sex in their schedule and realized that it was true that once they began kissing, they both got turned on and could have satisfying sex.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They also learned about certain sex therapy techniques like the simmer technique which helped them to simmer sexual desire between their sexual encounters (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Simmering Technique).

With help in couples/sex therapy, Jane and Bill learned to have passionate sex again.

Conclusion

One of the potential problems of the Commitment Stage is that the security and safety of the relationship can transform the relationship into a friendship or roommate situation.

This change can occur so gradually that it might take a couple a while to realize that sex has gone out the window.

The good news is that a couple can revive their sex life so they can have satisfying sex again with the help of a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy (most couples therapists are not trained in sex therapy).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

If your problems include sexual problems, see a therapist who is also a certified sex therapist.

Working with a licensed therapist who has an expertise related to your problems can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focused on navigating various relationship stages in relationships in the last couple of article.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

    See my prior articles: 

How to Navigate the 5 Stages of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In the current article, I'm focusing on how couples can navigate the Adjustment Stage.

As a recap: There are 5 Relationship Stages including the 

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Adjustment Stage?

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, money, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the unique problems associated with the Adjustment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Tina and Joe

Two and a half years into their relationship, Tina and Joe moved in together in an apartment in New York City.

Soon after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about money.  Tina considered herself to be a saver and Joe thought of himself as a spender.

Tina didn't realize how much debt Joe had until they moved in together and she saw his bills coming in the mail. She was shocked that he owed over $25,000 in credit card debt and he didn't seem worried about it.  This debt was on top of his student loans, which were significant.

Although they kept their money in separate accounts and they were both high earners, Tina worried that they would have to wait longer than she anticipated to buy a co-op apartment. 

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

When she broached the topic with Joe, she felt dismissed. He said he wasn't worried about it at all because he knew he could pay off the credit card debt with money his parents would give him if he asked them (see my article: How to Stop Arguing About Money).

Tina told Joe she felt anxious with his asking his parents for money because she wanted them to live within a budget. She felt his parents could be intrusive at times and if they lent him money, they would want to be involved in their decision-making. 

At the same time, she knew this was his debt and she wasn't sure if she had the right to tell him how to handle it.

This lead to a discussion about their relationship goals including their goal to buy a co-op apartment in Manhattan.  She had no outstanding debt, but she worried that they might be denied a mortgage due to Joe's high debt (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

After several big arguments, they began couples therapy to sort out these issues. During couples therapy, Joe learned active listening skills instead of dismissing Tina's concerns (see my article: Relationships: Arguing About Money).

Tina admitted that she had many sleepless nights worrying about Joe's debt and what they might mean for buying an apartment. She learned in couples therapy how to calm herself so she could sleep at night.

Prior to talking in couples therapy, Joe had not taken his credit card debt seriously, but once they talked about it in terms of buying a Manhattan apartment, he realized he needed to be more aware of his spending habits.

During their couples therapy sessions Joe and Tina were able to clarify their relationship goals which helped Joe feel more comfortable with being on a budget.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

Joe also realized that he had been too financially dependent on his parents and this dependence came with strings. Specifically, his parents felt they could tell him what to do, which he never liked.

Both Tina and Joe developed increased self awareness in couples therapy. They  also learned to work together as a team to resolve their problems.

Staying within a budget was a difficult adjustment at first for Joe, but as he and Tina began looking at co-op apartments online, he felt motivated to make sacrifices now for their future together.

Eventually, Joe paid down his debt and he and Tina began attending open houses to purchase a co-op.

Conclusion

As mentioned in earlier articles, relationship stages don't always occur in a linear way.  These stages can come up at any time.

Making changes can be challenging, but when couples have relationship goals, they're usually able to put these adjustments in context for their goals (similar to Joe and Tina in the vignette above).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.