You Can't Understand Your "Yeses" If You Don't Understand Your "Nos" and "Maybes"

For you to truly understand what you're agreeing to, you also need to understand what you're declining and what you're not sure about.  

This is true for all areas of your life whether it involves your loved ones, your work or other areas of your life.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

How Can You Learn to Understand Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"?

Here are some tips:

• Develop Self Awareness: To really know what you want, you need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself using your self reflective capacity. Before you say "Yes" to someone think about how you might be saying "No" to other choices and excluding other possibilities. So, for instance, before you say "Yes" to being in an exclusive relationship with someone, think about whether you're ready to give up seeing other people and what this might be like. Reflect on what the tradeoffs are in making one choice versus making another (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?)

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Prioritize What's Important to You: Instead of spreading yourself thin by people pleasing and agreeing to do things you don't want to do, prioritize what's most important to you. For instance, if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to spend all their free time with you but you know you need some time for yourself, you need to honor what you need and communicate this to your partner. If possible, try to find a compromise without neglecting your needs (see my article: Time Apart vs Time Together).

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Boundary Setting, Self Respect and Self Care: Know how to set boundaries with others for your own well-being. This is related to prioritizing what's important to you. This involves being assertive in a tactful way in order to respect your own needs and take care of yourself (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

How Can This Be Challenging For You?

Understanding your 'yeses", "nos" and "maybes" and following through with what you need might be challenging for you because you never learned to do it and maybe you were even taught that taking care of yourself in this way is selfish--even though it's not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges involved with understanding what you really want and how Experiential Therapy can help:

Jane

Jane, who was in her early 30s, was raised to believe she should always put others first before herself, so she would agree to do things she didn't really want to do and she would often feel exhausted afterwards.

She would say "Yes" to anyone in her life who asked her to do a favor or to spend time with them or to listen endlessly to her friend's ongoing crises (see my article: Are You Overwhelmed By Your Friends' Problems?).

When she got romantically involved with John and they became sexual, Jane wasn't sure what she liked and what she didn't like sexually so she agreed to everything John wanted, but then she felt bad about herself afterwards because she wasn't sure if she wanted to do what she did.

One day John told her he sensed that she didn't enjoy performing oral sex on him--even though she did it and she didn't complain. He told her he didn't want her to just comply--he wanted her to want to do it and, if she didn't, he wanted her to tell him. But at that point, Jane didn't know how to respond to him because she had little awareness of what she liked and what she didn't.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

Jane realized she had little self awareness about what she liked and she didn't know how to develop self awareness. So, she sought help in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist helped Jane to understand the connection between her family background and her current problems (see my article: Why Is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

Her parents, who were well intentioned, lived their lives in a way where they were always giving to others and expected very little for themselves ,and they raised Jane and her siblings in this way.

Her therapist taught Jane how to use mind-body oriented techniques, like mindfulness meditation to get to be in the present moment and to get to know herself. She also encouraged Jane to use a journal to reflect on her thoughts and emotions (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Minid-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy includes: 

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy

• AEDP

Jane's work in Experiential Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but she stuck with it because she realized she was developing a deeper connection with herself and getting to know herself better.

Gradually, Jane began to understand her "yeses", her "nos" and her "maybes". She also learned to be assertive in a tactful and caring way with the people in her life.

Getting to know herself sexually was the most challenging for Jane because she had conflicted feelings about pleasure and solo pleasure.

Over time, she was able to overcome her guilt and shame about sex, and she developed a healthy relationship with her own body which allowed her to discover what she enjoyed.

Her therapist, who was an Experiential therapist as well as a sex therapist, helped Jane to consider many sexual possibilities by introducing Jane to a "Yes, No, Maybe" list of sexual activities. 

Jane used the list, which had on scale from 1-5, to discover what appealed to her, what she didn didn't like and what she wasn't sure about (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

When Jane told John that she didn't enjoy oral sex, but she did enjoy other sexual activities, she was surprised that he was so understanding. This allowed her to open up and get curious emotionally and sexually with John so their relationship developed in new and exciting ways.

Conclusion

You can't understand your "yeses" if you don't know your "nos" and "maybes".

Developing self awareness is the first step in getting to know yourself better and being able to communicate with others.

People pleasing often poses an obstacle to getting to know and take care of yourself and to being able to communicate honestly with others.

When you can prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries with others, you will be on your way to respecting your needs, taking care of yourself and being genuine with others.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Being able to understand and assert your needs can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including an upbringing focused on always prioritizing the needs of others. 

Experiential Therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is uniquely suited for helping clients to get to attune to themselves and to interact in a healthy way with others.

If you have been struggling with understanding your needs and setting boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to develop increased self awareness through a mind-body oriented approach, prioritize your needs and set healthy boundaries.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a Experiential Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York Experiential Therapist.

I am an EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work, EFT (couples therapist) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

The term "monogamish" was originally coined by Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated columnist and author.

Monogamish Relationships

Monogamish refers to a couple who is primarily monogamous but their relationship agreement allows for occasional sexual or romantic activity with others with the full consent of both people in the primary relationship.

What Are the Key Characteristics of Monogamish Couples?

The key characteristics of monogamish couples include:

• Being Mostly Monogamous: The primary couple is usually monogamous and they remain committed to their relationship.

• Agreed Upon Nonmonogamy: The partners in the primary relationship have an established agreement that has rules and boundaries for sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. This can range from occasional flirting to infrequent sexual or romantic connections outside the relationship--depending upon what each individual in the primary relationship wants.

Monogamish Relationships

• Focus on Casual Connections Outside the Relationship: The couple's agreement is that any connections outside their relationship will be infrequent and casual without any intent of forming lasting relationships with others.

• Communication and Trust: Monogamish relationships require a high level of open communication, collaboration and trust within the primary relationship to navigate the possible challenges involved. A written agreement that is collaborated between the individuals in the primary relationship is recommended.

Monogamish Relationships

• Enhanced Connection: Many couples in monogamish relationships find that new experiences outside their primary relationship can enhance their relationship by strengthening their bond and increasing satisfaction with their relationship. Other couples prefer to have a Don't Ask Don't Tell agreement or only share limited information between them about their experiences with others. Other couples experiment with being monogamish and discover it doesn't work for them for a variety of reasons.

How Are Monogamish Relationships Different From Other Relationships?

Monogamish relationships differ from other relationship modalities:

• Completely Monogamous: Relationships that are strictly monogamous maintain a sexual and romantic connection within their relationship. They have no agreement to have other romantic or sexual connections with others.

• Polyamory: These relationships include multiple loving, romantic and sexual relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (see my article: What is Solo Polyamory?).

Monogamish Relationships

• Open Relationships: This is a broad term for all consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

How Can You and Your Partner Develop a Monogamish Relationship?

Here are some considerations for being in a monogamish relationship--assuming both individuals in the primary relationship want to be monogamish:

• Have a Written Agreement: It's important to have a clearly defined agreement in writing about the boundaries and expectations in terms of what is and isn't allowed as part of the monogamish agreement. Having the agreement in writing helps both people to be clear on what they are agreeing to and to make revisions to the agreement when necessary. 

Monogamish Relationships

• Talk About Jealousy: Although jealousy is common in monogamish relationships, it's important to know how to manage jealous feelings calmly and in a way where each person in the primary relationship can address their needs (see my article: What is Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships?).

• Work Through Insecurities: Being able to address insecurities as they come up is important, especially when there might be small deviations from the couple's agreement.

• Be Aware That Switching to Being Monogamish Won't Save a Struggling Relationship: Too often couples switch from being monogamous to being monogamish when they are struggling with certain problems in their relationship, including discrepancies in sexual desire or infidelity. However, being monogamish often makes existing problems worse and can add problems to an already struggling relationship. Being monogamish works best when the relationship is stable and the couple is basically satisfied within the relationship. When there are existing problems, a couple would do better to work on these problems first either on their own or, if they can't resolve the problems on their own, to seek help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Being monogamish can be challenging at times for couples of all sexual orientations.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

An experienced couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help couples to navigate these challenges so that the needs of both people are met.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with all types of relationships.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Hello Impostor Syndrome My Old Friend

Back in 2015 I wrote an article about Overcoming Impostor Syndrome and I'm revisiting this topic today from a personal perspective, which I hope will be helpful to you.

What is Impostor Syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is a psychological experience of feeling like a fraud either in an intellectual or professional setting. 

Impostor syndrome is a subjective experience of self doubt about one's abilities or  accomplishments as compared to others and despite evidence to the contrary.

There is often a fear of being exposed as a fraud. This can include feeling undeserving of success or luck. 

Impostor Syndrome

Although impostor syndrome isn't listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a psychiatric diagnosis, it's a real phenomenon.  

It's not a mental disorder--it's a syndrome.

What is Impostor Syndrome For Psychotherapists?

Impostor syndrome often occurs for new therapists or therapists in training at various times in their career when they're learning new skills.

I remember feeling impostor syndrome when I began psychoanalytic training in 1996. 

I was just out of graduate school without much clinical experience, so I felt unprepared to jump into clinical work at the postgraduate clinic where I was assigned clients. 

Just before I met my first client, I felt like I was standing high up on a diving board waiting to dive in. I felt anxious and unprepared. 

As I sat in my newly assigned psychotherapy office, which was the size of a monk's cell, I read over the client's intake which was performed by a graduate student intern.

By the time I finished reading the intake, I felt like I had little to nothing to offer this client who had serious interpersonal problems. 

After reading her intake, I felt a deep feeling of compassion for the client before I even met her.

During that first session, as I listened to the client, I wished she could have been seen by an experienced therapist instead of a beginner like me. But, by the end of the session, she told me she felt the session went very well. She said she felt I was attuned to her--she felt seen and heard by me. She also said she felt my compassion for her and she looked forward to our next session.

During my four years of psychoanalytic training, as I developed therapeutic skills, I felt increasingly more confident, but I still had times when I felt impostor syndrome, which I discovered was common for new therapists.

As I gained clinical experience and with the help of individual and group supervisors, my own personal psychoanalysis, and classes, I discovered I had a natural ability for being a psychotherapist. 

I also realized that no one, no matter how experienced, has all the answers and the point of being a psychotherapist isn't to "fix" clients or to have all the answers (see my article: Why It's Important For Your Therapist Not to Have All the Answers).

What's important is the ability to help clients to become curious and compassionate about themselves so I can guide them to find their own path to healing.

Over the last 30 years as a licensed mental health professional, I have gone on to do many other advanced trainings, including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy and Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy).

I have also learned a lot from my clients by being attuned to them and joining them wherever they were in their healing journey.

I consider myself a curious and compassionate lifelong learner who continues to learn and grow personally and professionally, but I'll never forget my early experiences. 

I have a great deal of empathy for clients and new therapists because I have been both and I know the journey can be challenging, but it can also be very rewarding.

What Are Some Ways to Overcome Impostor Syndrome?

Here are some tips for overcoming impostor syndrome which might be helpful for you:

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge negative self talk that contributes to impostor syndrome.  Be realistic and remind yourself it's okay to be new at a particular endeavor.

• Remind Yourself of Your Capabilities: You might be new on a particular path, but you probably have evidence of prior success, achievements and positive feedback. Stay curious and open to new experiences.

Self Compassion

• Practice Self Compassion: Know and accept that impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon that many people experience at some point. Treat yourself with kindness and avoid comparing yourself to others.

• Develop a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset will help you to realize you can learn and grow over time. Embrace new challenges as opportunities for growth. Set goals and along the way celebrate your successes.

• Take Action: Don't let impostor syndrome overwhelm you. Although you might be pushed out of your comfort zone, be aware you have overcome other challenges in the past and that moving out of your comfort zone will help you to grow.

• Keep a Journal: Writing about your thoughts and emotions can help you to reflect on where you are in the moment and where you want to be. 

Use Your Imagination

• Use Your Imagination: Using your imagination to visualize yourself to see yourself as already having achieved your goals can be helpful.

• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends and loved ones. They will probably tell you they have had similar feelings about impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. If possible, join groups where people are having similar experiences and learn how they are coping with these experiences. For instance, before I started graduate school in 1993, I joined a group of people who were working on making various changes in their lives and we were mutually supportive of one another, which was very helpful for me.

About Me:

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As of this writing, I also teach a class, Countertransference and Sex Therapy II, for second year sex therapists in training at the Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

I've written about emotional validation in relationships before (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Skill in a Relationship?).

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

In the current article I'm focusing on invalidating and dismissive behavior.

What is Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive or invalidating behavior includes:

• Devaluing someone's concerns
• Minimizing someone's thoughts and feelings
• Eye rolling 
• Sarcasm
• Interrupting the other person and changing the subject
• Stonewalling (the "silent treatment")
  
• Completely ignoring someone's concerns

I will be using the terms dismissive and invalidating behavior, which are the same, interchangeably throughout this article.

Dismissive behavior can occur in relationships, friendships, social situations, work settings and any other setting where there are two or more people.

What Causes Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive behavior is usually rooted in various underlying experiences.

It's important to understand the cause of dismissive behavior in order to have empathy for the  person who is being dismissive and find ways to address this behavior.  

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Lack of Awareness: Some individuals might lack self awareness about their dismissive behavior and the impact on others (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

• Insecurity or Defensiveness: Individuals who feel insecure or defensive might engage in dismissive behavior in order to protect themselves emotionally.

• Childhood Experiences: Individuals who grew up in an environment where their thoughts and emotions were invalidated, learned to dismiss other's experiences.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Cultural or Societal Norms: People who grew up in a culture or a society where emotional expression was discouraged learn to dismiss others' emotional expressions.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics: Dismissive behavior often occurs in workplace dynamics, especially where the person who is being dismissive is in a higher position.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrates dismissive behavior in various settings:

• Family Dynamics: After considering how to approach her older sister, Jean, for months, Tina invited Jean, over for coffee to talk about Jean's dismissive behavior. Once they were settled in Tina's kitchen, Tina told Jean she felt hurt by Jean's dismissive behavior. Specifically, Tina felt hurt when she tried to talk to Jean a few weeks before about how she was affected by Jean hitting her and making fun of her when they were children. Initially, Jean dismissed this like she had before, "That was so long ago. You need to get over it." Even though this was hurtful for Tina to hear, she persisted and told her how Jean's behavior affected her during their childhood and even into early adulthood. She also talked about how this behavior affected her feelings for Jean. At that point, Jean realized this was important. She listened carefully to Tina and expressed her sincere apology. She also told her she didn't want to lose her and asked her how she could make it up to her. Tina felt relieved that Jean was taking her seriously. They both agreed to keep talking and to find ways to strengthen their bond. Over time, Jean realized she was also emotionally dismissed by their father. She thought about how this affected her and promised Tina she would stop being dismissive.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Relationships: A few months into their relationship, Renee confronted her boyfriend, Tom, about his dismissive behavior. Initially, Tom shrugged it off and told Renee, "You're being too sensitive." But when Renee told him she didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who dismissed her feelings, Tom took her seriously. He told Renee he loved her and he didn't want this to come between them. He realized he also heard a similar complaint from his best friend, so he decided to get help in therapy to become more self aware and learn how to stop engaging in this behavior.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Friendships: Lena and Ginny were best friends since childhood. Lena always felt inferior to Ginny because she thought Ginny was more attractive and she knew how to navigate social situations with ease. After Lena began therapy, she realized there was another reason why she felt inferior to Ginny: Ginny tended to dismiss Lena's feelings. When she realized this, Lena summoned her courage to talk to Ginny about it.  Ginny was shocked. She told Lena she didn't realize she was being dismissive and she never would intentionally hurt Lena's feelings. She told Lena she would be more aware of her behavior so she wouldn't ruin their friendship.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics at Work: Whenever John made suggestions in the staff meetings, his boss, Ed, would either dismissive John's ideas as being unworkable or he would ignore them altogether. He frequently responded to John by rolling his eyes or making sarcastic remarks which was hurtful and humiliating for John. But when John discovered that Ed talked to the company vice president, Nick, about one of John's ideas and Ed tried to pass it off as his own, John felt angry. In response, John spoke to his human resources representative, Liz, to ask her how he should handle the situation. She called a meeting with John, Ed, Nick and another manager, Gail, who had been at the staff meeting who heard John make the suggestion that Ed was now taking credit for with Nick. As soon as the topic was brought up in that meeting, Ed realized Gail knew it wasn't his idea. Initially, he tried to pretend he forgot it was John's idea. When he realized no one believed him, he apologized to John. After that, Ed stopped dismissing John's ideas and he treated him in a respectful way.

Here are some proactive strategies if you feel your feelings are being dismissed in a personal relationship:

• Develop Self Awareness: Consider your own behavior and whether you're also contributing to the problem by engaging in dismissive behavior.

• Practice Empathy: The other person's dismissive behavior might be unintentional. In other words, they might not realize they're being dismissive. Try to understand the underlying causes and approach the person with empathy rather than outward displays of anger or defensiveness.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Set Boundaries: Communicate your expectations in a clear way. Let the other person know how their dismissive behavior affects you. Instead of being accusatory, use "I" statements to keep the focus on the effect this behavior has on you and why it's important to resolve this problem (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Seek Support in Therapy: If you're unable to resolve the problem, seek help in therapy to gain insight and learn effective strategies to deal with your situation.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, addressing dismissive behavior can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies for addressing someone's dismissive behavior. 

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome the traumatic impact of longstanding dismissive behavior.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.