Relationships: Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

Many people in relationships have problems asking for their emotional needs to be met because it requires intense vulnerability and it also triggers deep fears of rejection, judgment or fear of abandonment.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

In addition, our American culture treats emotional self reliance as a strength which causes many people to view their normal human needs as character flaws or signs of weakness.

Childhood Conditioning

Childhood conditioning can also play a role:

• Early Childhood Emotional Neglect: If someone's childhood emotional needs were minimized, ignored or punished, their nervous system learned that asking for their emotional needs to be met was emotionally and physically unsafe (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Childhood Emotional Neglect

• The "Easy" Child Trap: Many people learned as children that they had to earn love and approval by being low maintenance, quiet and overly accommodating and this belief often persists on an unconscious level in adulthood in their relationships.

• Hyper-Independence: Childhood emotional neglect often forces children to become overly self sufficient beyond their developmental capacity, but this is a pseudo-independence because it's a survival mechanism driven by fear and neglect rather than a natural, healthy stage of development. This builds thick emotional walls against relying on anyone else. This pattern continues into adulthood which makes it difficult to ask for emotional support in a relationship (see my article: Masking Vulnerability and Shame By Pretending You Don't Need Anyone).

Fears and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Being a Burden: People frequently convince themselves that their feelings will overwhelm, stress out or inconvenience their partner. 

Fears and Psychological Barriers to Asking For Emotional Support

• Shame of Being "Needy": Internalized shame makes people worry they will be perceived by their partner as being too "needy", dramatic, high maintenance or emotionally unstable. They have learned from early childhood, often on an unconscious level, that their normal emotional needs were "too much". This often occurs because their parents were overburdened with just trying to survive. For example, the parents  might have been working two or more jobs just to be able to meet basic needs. In many cases, the parents also didn't have their own emotional needs met and this emotional neglect is part of a long line of intergenerational trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?.).

• The Mind Reading Myth: Many individuals have an unspoken belief that if their partner really loved them, they would automatically know what they need without being asked (see my article: Are You Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

• Emotional Disconnection: Decades of suppressing feelings can leave someone fuzzy or completely unaware of their own emotional needs.

Relationship Dynamics

• Fear of Rocking the Boat: When a relationship is going relatively well, individuals might remain silent about their unmet emotional needs to protect the harmony in their relationship and avoid conflict.

• Past Experiences of a Partner Weaponing Vulnerability: Some people avoid asking for what they need emotionally because their emotional needs and vulnerabilities in prior relationships were used against them as leverage or ammunition during arguments.

What Are Practical Strategies For Asking For What You Need From Your Partner?

Focus on Your Internal State

• Identify Your Feelings: Pinpoint your emotional need (loneliness, feeling invisible, feeling overwhelmed) before speaking to your partner.

Locate Physical Sensations Related to Emotions

• Locate the Physical Sensation: Notice where the tension is located in your body to help you to connect with what you need. 

• Name the Core Deficit: Figure out if you need reassurance, physical touch, focused attention or validation (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why is It Such a Powerful Skill in Relationships?).

• Learn to Separate the Past From the Present: Acknowledge whether your current emotional reaction is being driven by old unresolved childhood wounds or prior relationship experiences (see my article: Learning to Separate Past Experiences From Your Current Experience).

Use Specific Communication Techniques

• Lead With Vulnerability: Use "I feel" statements rather than "You make me feel..." statements.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Say the Hard Truth: If you feel afraid to express your needs, start with a phrase like, "It's really scary for me to admit this, but..."

• Describe Your Internal State: Feel into your internal state and become aware if you're telling yourself a story that might not be true. For instance, recognize if you're telling yourself something like "He's bored with me" or "He doesn't love me anymore" when this isn't true. Then, tell your partner, "I'm telling myself that you're bored with me" (or whatever you're feeling) and allow your partner to respond.

• Make Requests That Are Actionable: Ask for specific behaviors instead of vague concepts. For example, instead of saying "I need you show you care more", say "I need you to hold my hand while I'm talking to you about my feelings."

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Ask For a Specific Time: Ask your partner something like, "Can we find 20 minutes tonight to talk about something that has been weighing on me?" If it's not the right time, schedule another time that works for both of you. If you have children, choose a time when you won't be interrupted.

• Remove All Digital Distractions: Turn off and put away phones, turn off the TV, put away the computer and other distractions and sit face-to-face before diving into your discussion.

• Reassure Your Partner in Advance: If they haven't done anything that is making you unhappy, reassure them that they're not in trouble--you just need to share your feelings.

• Keep the Conversation to a Manageable Length: Focus on a specific emotional needs rather than listing months or years of unmet emotional needs (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Responding to Your Partner's Reaction

• Appreciate Your Partner's Willingness to Listen and Communicate: Thank your partner for listening--even if the conversation is awkward and uncomfortable. Recognize that your partner is experiencing their own emotional vulnerability by just listening.

Express Appreciation to Your Partner

• Validate Your Partner's Perspective: Acknowledge your partner's response. For instance, if your partner is opening up to hearing your unmet needs and you recognize that your partner is tired, acknowledge this to them by saying something like, "I realize you're tired and I appreciate that you're hearing me out."

• Allow Room For Pauses: Give your partner time to emotionally process what you are saying without rushing in to fill in the silence.

• Schedule a Future Check In: Propose circling back in a few days to see how the new approach to communicating your needs is working for you and for your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Communicating your emotional needs to your partner can be challenging especially if you never learned to do it before.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist who is a licensed mental health professional can help you to learn to express your emotional needs and work out problems in your relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Before setting up an appointment, I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Happiness Change With Age?

I have been focusing lately on the topic of happiness (see my articles: What is Happiness? and Why Chasing Happiness Doesn't Work).

In the current article, I'm focusing on how happiness changes with age.

Happiness as a Teenager vs Happiness as an Adult

According to social psychologists, how we experience happiness changes with age.  

When I was a teenager, happiness meant going out on the weekend with my friends to a noisy dance club.

Happiness Changes With Age

These clubs were known as "juice bars" because they served non-alcoholic drinks for teenagers. 

Since we were underage and not interested in alcohol, we didn't care about drinking.  We were there to meet boys our own age and have fun on a noisy dance floor. It didn't matter to us that the music was so loud that, even when we met someone, we had to go outside to talk.

Before the weekend, we spent all week talking to each other about what we would wear and who we hoped to meet at the club. We would visit each other's homes to help each other choose outfits and accessories--all in anticipation of our Saturday night out.

As compared to my teenager self, my experience of happiness today might involve going to a quiet restaurant with friends and loved ones or staying home to read a book or watch a classic movie.

If my teenage self had been told that my adult self would be going to quiet restaurants or reading a book on a Saturday night, she would have been shocked and disappointed. She also would have thought I had become "boring." 

But my current adult self can look back on those dance club nights with nostalgia as having been fun and exciting for the time. I'm glad I did those things at a time when they were new and exciting to me.

When I talk to friends in my age group now, they agree that who they are now and what makes them happy is a lot different from what made them happy as teenagers. 

How Does Happiness Change With Age?

Researchers from Northwestern University have used the term "promotion mindedness" to describe experiences of the young. 

Happiness Changes With Age

It's a time for focusing on hopes and dreams for the future before you have a lot of responsibilities. Even though you know intellectually that you're not immortal, you feel immortal and you hink you can do anything. 

As you get older and you have more responsibilities, these illusions change. Instead of dreaming about endless possibilities, you're trying to maintain what you have worked so hard to achieve, possibly a marriage, children, a house or a career.  So, your priorities change as you get older and what makes you happy also changes.

Teenagers and young adults are typically looking for excitement--like their first experience of sex, finding love and dreaming about a successful career. 

But by the time you become a mature adult, you have achieved many of those things and, aside from maintaining what you have achieved, you want to feel peaceful, relaxed and calm. Dance clubs and raucous parties are probably not high on your list.

What is the U-Shaped Curve of Happiness?

Over the lifespan, happiness follows a u-shaped curve.

Based on psychological and economic studies, the u-shaped curve indicates that happiness tends to be greatest during youth and old age:

• The Youth Peak (early 20s): Young adults typically start with high levels of life satisfaction which is fueled by optimism, fewer responsibilities and freedom to explore.

• The Midlife Low Point (40s to early 50s): Generally, life satisfaction tends to steadily decline, bottoming out at around ages 47 to 49. This slump is usually driven by peak career stress, financial burdens, childcare, caring for elderly parents and unfulfilled youthful expectations.

• The Golden Rise (50s to 70s): After age 50, happiness tends to rebound for most people. Many studies indicate that age 70 is the pinnacle of lifetime satisfaction. Many of these individuals report fewer stressors or career anxiety and greater emotional stability.

Why Do Older Adults Score Higher in Happiness Studies?

According to studies, all other things being equal, emotional well-being thrives in later life for the following reasons:

• The Positivity Effect: According to neurological and psychological studies from institutes like the Stanford Center on Longevity, older brains naturally filter out negative stimuli, choosing instead to focus on positive memories.

Happiness Changes With Age

• Socioemotional Selectivity: Realizing that time horizons are short, older adults tend to let go of superficial social networks and focus more on high-quality, meaningful friendships and family bonds.

• Emotional Regulation: Most older adults have decades of life experience so they usually develop better coping skills as compared to when they were younger. This helps them to handle stress and daily anxieties much better than teenagers or young adults.

All of these findings assume that basic needs like food, shelter, good health and the other necessities of life are taken care of which isn't the case for everyone.  

For instance, these days there are more retirees who are returning to work in order to have the basic necessities of life. 

In addition, if you live in an expensive city, like New York City or San Francisco and you weren't a high earner, your life satisfaction will be different from people who are more financially secure.

Conclusion

Happiness changes with age and, for most people, it tends to develop in a u-shaped curve with happiness being at its highest levels in youth and old age.

So, if you're young, enjoy the excitement and time of new discovery during this phase in your life. If you're older, you can still be open to new experiences and approach life with a sense of wonder and curiosity, but your interests might be different from when you were younger.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples of all ages over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friends Important? 

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

How to Develop a Curious Mindset 

Striving to Be a Lifelong Learner

Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice

Healing From Moral Injury

Moral injury is the profound psychological, social and spiritual distress that occurs when someone perpetrates, witnesses or fails to prevent acts that violate their deeply held moral beliefs and values.

Healing From Moral Injury

Moral injury was originally studied in military veterans returning from war. Now, it's seen as a widespread phenomenon affecting healthcare workers, first responders and everyday individuals.

The consequences of moral injury is that it has a negative impact on a person's conscience, shatters their sense of self worth and erodes their trust in institutions or leaders. 

What Are Core Causes of Moral Injury?

A moral injury is triggered by a Potentially Morally Injurious Event (PMIE) which usually break down into the following categories:

• Acts of Commission: Doing something that actively violates your moral code (e.g., a soldier either accidentally or following orders to harm civilians in a combat zone).

• Acts of Omission: Failing to act or prevent harm when your ethical compass dictates that you should (e.g., as a bystander you fail to stop an assault).

Healing From Moral Injury

• Betrayal: Witnessing individuals in authority or institutions act against what is moral and just, especially in high stakes situations (e.g., an executive ordering employees to hide serious defects in a product that can do harm to consumers).

• Bearing Witness: Observing atrocities, extreme cruelty or systemic injustices without the power to change the outcome (e.g., care workers or visiting relatives witness bed-bound residents suffering from severe bedsores, malnutrition and prolonged isolation due to corporate understaffing and regulatory failures).

What Are the Symptoms and Manifestations of Moral Injury?

When an individual's ethical boundaries are crossed or when they are placed in a situation where they violate their own moral beliefs and values, it alters their worldview.

Common symptoms include:

• Sustained Guilt and Shame: Feeling a persistent sense of remorse or believing "I am a bad person."

• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from loved ones, peers or community activities due to feeling unworthy or that they will "contaminate" others.

Healing From Moral Injury

• Loss of Trust: An inability to trust authority figures, organizational leadership or systems.

• An Existential or Spiritual Crisis: Questioning long-held religious or spiritual beliefs, faith n a higher power or the fundamental goodness of society.

• Anger and Disillusionment: Directing profound bitterness toward a system or the people that forced an impossible choice.

What is the Difference Between Moral Injury and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?

While moral injury and PTSD often co-occur, they are distinct psychological concepts:

Whereas moral injury is primarily a guilt, shame and values-based condition, PTSD is a mental health condition after experiencing of witnessing a deeply traumatic, terrifying or ife-threanting event or ongoing events. 

Primary Triggers

• Moral Injury: Ethical transgressions or a betrayal of core values

• PTSD: A life threatening, psychological event (or series of events) that overwhelms an individual emotionally and psychologically

Core Emotions

• Moral Injury: Guilt, shame and deep remorse

• PTSD: Fear, horror, helplessness or panic

Biological Impact

• Moral Injury: Identity disintegration (i.e., a shattering of a person's core sense of self, moral identity and personal narrative)

• PTSD: hypervigilance, visual replay (e.g., visual replay, present-moment distortion, flashbacks, body memories and so on) and a heightened startle response

Clinical Status

• Moral Injury: Recognized as a moral problem and clinical focus, but not a separate diagnosis

• PTSD: A formal psychiatric diagnosis

What Are Current Examples of Moral Injury in Everyday Life?

There are many current examples including but not limited to:

• Healthcare Resource Triage: A doctor or nurse is forced to triage care by rationing ventilators or critical ICU bed during a pandemic which, effectively, determines which patients will live and which will die.

• Family and Caregiver Burnout: A family member caring for a relative with severe dementia becomes completely exhausted and places the relative in an understaffed nursing home. This results in a deep sense of abandonment.

• Navigating Marital Separation and Divorce: A parent files for divorce to escape an unhappy marriage, but they experience profound guilt over the emotional distress and disruption caused to their children.

How to Heal From Moral Injury

Since moral injury is a wound of the conscience rather than a fear-based disorder (like PTSD), conventional trauma treatment focused only on anxiety reduction might not be enough.  Recovery requires specialized multi-dimensional support including:

• Meaning Making: Processing the event to contextualize actions within a chaotic or impossible situation.

• Self Forgiveness: Moving away from persistent self punishment and developing self compassion.

Healing From Moral Injury

• Communal Recognition: Speaking the truth to a supportive group of peers who understand the unique pressures of the situation.

• Moral Repair: Engaging in altruistic actions, volunteerism or advocacy work to reaffirm personal values.

• Psychotherapy: Therapy helps to heal moral injury by providing a structured, nonjudgmental place to process guilt and shame, deconstruct impossible standards or responsibility and rebuild a functional moral identity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a term used to describe grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly supported. This term was coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, a grief researcher in 1989.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person experiences a significant loss but society, culture or the people around them minimize or deny their right to mourn. 

This often leaves the individual grieving in isolation without traditional mourning rituals, support systems and validation that typically accompanies a recognized loss.

What Are Common Examples of Disenfranchised Loss?

The following examples are typical of disenfranchised loss:

• Unrecognized Relationships:  The connection to the deceased is either hidden or unrecognized. This includes mourning an ex-spouse or former partner, a casual partner, miscarriage or stillbirth, a secret lover, an LGBTQ+ when the relationship isn't publicly known.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Unrecognized Losses: The loss is viewed as minor or as not deserving of deep grief.  This includes: a miscarriage, the loss of a pet and non-death losses such as a breakup, loss of a job or a loved one with cognitive decline due to Alzheimer's (see my article: Coping With Ambiguous Loss).

Disenfranchised Grief

• Stigmatized Loss: The circumstances surrounding the death involve social judgment, which causes survivors to hide their emotional pain. Examples include deaths involving suicide, substance abuse overdose or criminal contexts.

• Disenfranchised Grievers: Many people often mistakenly assume that certain individuals lack either the capacity or need to grieve. This includes young children, the elderly or individuals with cognitive or developmental disabilities.

• Unconventional Grieving Styles: A person's outward expression of grief doesn't always match cultural expectations. This might include: Showing no visible emotion, using humor or grieving much longer than some people think is appropriate.

What is the Impact of Hidden Grief?

Since this type of grief goes unrecognized by others, it can create certain mental health challenges for the individual experiencing the grief including:

• Intense Isolation: Without the usual emotional support and rituals of grief, the individual who is experiencing the grief carries the weight of the grief on their own.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Self Doubt and Shame: Grievers often internalize the lack of validation. This often causes grievers to question whether their feelings are "wrong", "dramatic" or inappropriate.

• Prolonged or Complicated Grief: When grievers can't process loss openly, the pain frequently persists longer and evolve into clinical complications (see my article: Coping With Complicated Grief.

What Are Strategies For Healing?

Coping with disenfranchised grief requires alternative ways to validate your experience:

• Name Your Grief: Recognizing that your grief is a legitimate response to a real loss is an essential part of healing.

• Give Yourself Permission to Feel All Your Feelings: Grief often comes in waves so it's not a linear process. Disenfranchised grief can be particularly intense due to your isolated state and the lack of empathy from others. You might feel emotionally numb, sad, hopeless, hopeful, angry, alone, relieved, overwhelmed, anxious, curious and many other emotions.

Disenfranchised Grief

• Create Personal Rituals: If you're unable to have a formal ceremony, create your own. This can involve planting a tree, writing letters, creating a private memorial space in your home or whatever feels meaningful to you. You can also write in a journal to express all your feelings about the loss (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

Getting help in therapy for disenfranchised grief counteracts the isolation of an unacknowledged loss and it can prevent the development of more complex mental health problems and emotional stagnation.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional who can witness your pain and help you to work through grief.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents 

You Continue to Have An Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Die 

How Do Traumatizing Narcissists Use Love Bombing, Gaslighting and Degradation to Manipulate in Relationships?

Being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can have a severe psychological, emotional and physical impact over time.

Usually these relationships start with love-bombing to win over the person they are seeing. Once they have won the person over, they change their tactics and use manipulation to maintain power over their partner.

To understand how traumatizing narcissists use manipulation, it's important to start by defining the term "DARVO".

Traumatizing Narcissists Use Manipulation to Abuse

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term which was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997.

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender which traumatizing narcissists use as a manipulation tactic to deflect accountability and blame when they are confronted by their partner.

The traumatizing narcissist uses DARVO in three steps:

• Step One: Deny: This is the first step in the traumatizing narcissist's manipulation. They deny any wrongdoing or abuse--even when it's obvious that they were at fault.  

Traumatizing Narcissists Use DARVO to Abuse Partners

• Step Two: Attack: Not only do they refuse to take responsibility--the traumatizing narcissist attacks the credibility, character and casts doubt on their partner. This is an attempt to discredit them and make their partner doubt themself. In order to manipulate, they might use insults and threats including threats to leave the relationship. This inflicts even more pain on their partner.

• Step Three: Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser tries to switch roles by twisting the narrative so that they position themself as the "real victim" while portraying their abused partner as the offender. In addition, the abuser will use gaslighting to make their partner believe they are either crazy, confused or just wrong. In effect, the abuser switches roles and redirects the attention away from their own behavior. 

What is the Impact of DARVO?

Traumatizing narcissists, who are usually masters of manipulation, often achieve their intended results. Since they are so convincing, their partner seems less believable. 

When the partner deals with the traumatizing narcissist's behavior on a daily basis over a long period of time, the manipulation takes a toll on the partner emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

The partner internalizes this false narrative and believes that the traumatizing narcissist isn't the problem.  Over time, the victim comes to see themselves as the problem and they believe they are the cause of their own problems.

Many survivors of this type of narcissistic abuse experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if they remain in the relationship with the abusive partner.

How to Protect Yourself From DARVO

To recognize the early signs that you are with a traumatizing narcissist, you need to focus less on their charm and more on your own embodied reactions to them, how they ignore your boundaries, and how they tell their stories.

Traumatizing narcissists are very good at the process of idealization, which can feel very romantic at first but is designed to fast-track emotional dependency:

The Pacing and Intensity Feel Overwhelming (The "Glow")

• Love-Bombing: They shower you with excessive praise, grand declarations, constant communication and maybe even gifts (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Loved Bombed By a Narcissist).

Beware of Love Bombing

• Hyper-Fast Escalation: They push for immediate exclusivity (moving in together quickly or planning a lifetime together after only a few weeks).

• Instant Soulmate Narrative: They claim they have never felt this way before and you are made for each other.

Communication and Truth Are Distorted

• Conversational Monopoly: They dominate discussions and skillfully redirect every topic back to their achievements or their struggles.

Traumatizing Narcissists Tend to Monopolize the Conversation

• Victim History: They describe their history as having been the victim in the past. Every single ex-partner, family member or prior boss was "crazy", "abusive" or deeply unfair to them, according to the traumatizing narcissist.

• Information Harvesting: They ask deep penetrating questions about your past trauma or vulnerabilities which they plan to eventually use against you.

• Subtle Contradictions: Their stories have small, logical gaps, and their words rarely align with their long term actions.

Setting Boundaries With Them or Telling Them "No" Triggers Negative Reactions

• The "Loyalty Test": They create minor crises or sudden plans that force you to choose them over pre-existing obligations.

• Poor Tolerance When You Say "No": If you say "no" to a request, they react with coldness, passive-aggressive behavior or immediate guilt-tripping.

Micro-Devaluations Begin Early (the "Shock")

• Offensive and or Controversial Remarks to Test You: They make a sharp, insulting comment disguised as a joke. Then, if you say you're offended, they accuse you of being "too sensitive". They are testing you and will escalate over time if you accept their behavior.

Traumatic Narcissists Criticizing Partner as a Test

• Public/Private Split: They can be very charismatic and generous in public, but they might be cold, distracted or critical behind closed doors.

• Flawless Image: They cannot tolerate even the smallest constructive feedback without getting massively defensive or blame-shifting (i.e., blaming you instead of taking responsibility).

Your Own Internal Warnings (the "Glow" vs the "Shock")

• Recognize Your Low-Level Anxiety: You feel an underlying tension, dread or jitteriness when you're with them--even when things are going well.

• Beware of Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions and behavior to avoid upsetting them.

• You're Gaslighting Yourself: You find yourself making mental excuses for their abusive behavior. You also ignore your own intuition.

How Can You Leave a Traumatizing Narcissist?

Every situation is different, so only you can judge whether these steps would work for you.

Leaving a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can be tricky depending upon the circumstances. It will require careful planning and your safety and emotional preservation are your top priorities.

Prioritize Safety

• Keep Your Plans Private: Strategic silence is often necessary because if a traumatizing narcissist senses they are losing control over you, they will escalate their abusive behavior.

• Secure Essential Documents: Gather essential documents like your birth certificate, passport, financial records and other important documents.

• Establish Financial Independence: If necessary, secure emergency funds in a private account where only you have the account number and password.

• Update Digital Security: Change passwords on email, banking and social media accounts.

• Check For Tracking: Be mindful of location sharing settings on your phone, vehicles and shared devices.

Establish Boundaries

• Implement No Contact: Blocking phone numbers and social media helps to prevent emotional manipulation.

• Recognize "Hovering": Be prepared for attempts to pull you back into the relationship with gifts or manufactured "emergencies".

• Use the "Grey Rock" Method: If communication is necessary (e.g., you are co-parenting), keep interactions brief, business-like and devoid of emotional reaction.

• Keep Records: Save copies of communication in case a legal intervention or a restraining order becomes necessary.

Build a Support System

• Involve Trusted Individuals: Reach out to trusted family and friends who understand the situation to get emotional support. Don't isolate.

Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones

• Seek Professional Guidance: Trauma therapy can be a vital resource for healing from psychological and emotional abuse.

• Utilize Community Support: Familiar yourself with community organizations that offer legal support, housing or safety planning.

Focus on Your Own Emotional and Psychological Recovery

• Anticipate the Possibility of a "Smear Campaign": It's common for traumatizing narcissists to try to damage your reputation, especially when you leave them or they think you're about to leave them.

• Document the Reality: Keeping your own private record of the reasons for leaving can provide you with clarity especially when you have moments of doubt and you think about returning to your abusive partner.

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on your physical, mental and emotional health. Eat nutritious meals. Get adequate sleep. Exercise at a pace that is healthy for you. Reconnect with personal friends, interests and hobbies.

Conclusion

If you have been in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist, you know how devastating this can be emotionally, psychologically and physically to your nervous system.

The psychological damage stems from a calculated cycle of intense adoration/love bombing followed by systematic degradation, manipulation and gaslighting.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Being able to work through the trauma of being in a relationship with a traumatizing narcissist can free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.