What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Psychotherapy and How Can IFS Therapy Help?

This article was updated on September 14, 2026. 

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological state of intense internal tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn toward and repelled by the exact same goal, action, or relational dynamic. Originally introduced by pioneering psychologist Kurt Lewin as an internal "tug-of-war," this dynamic is the primary catalyst for the anxiety, ambivalence, and behavioral stagnation that many clients experience at pivotal stages of the therapeutic process.

Navigating the internal landscape: The approach-avoidance conflict is a complex, interconnected system of protective parts operating within a single mind.

As a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, I witness this relational and cognitive gridlock constantly in my private practice. While many individuals seek counseling with a deep desire to implement positive life modifications, they frequently encounter a parallel wave of avoidant resistance. (This builds directly upon the foundational concepts explored in my previous piece, Why Are So Many of Us Fearful of Change While Others Embrace It?). By normalizing this predictable friction, clients can learn to safely identify, accept, and integrate the conflicting parts of their psyche.

The Predictable Pattern of Internal Stagnation

This psychological conflict operates on a distinct, mathematical trajectory based on a client's proximity to their objective:

• The Approach Vector: When a client is distant from their goal, they primarily perceive its positive benefits, maximizing their forward motivation.
• The Avoidance Vector: As the client advances emotionally or physically closer to the goal, sub-conscious fears emerge, spiking sharply the closer they get to actualizing the change.
• The Point of Paralysis: Eventually, the repulsive force of avoidance equals the attractive force of the approach. At this intersection, clients experience profound anxiety, indecision, or total behavioral paralysis.

Clinical Scenarios: How the Conflict Manifests in Therapy

• Intimacy and Relationships: A client intensely craves deep emotional connection (The Approach), yet harbors a paralyzing fear of vulnerability or rejection (The Avoidance), resulting in sub-conscious self-sabotage just as a relationship turns serious.
• Trauma Processing: A client desires somatic healing and symptom reduction (The Approach), but fears re-experiencing painful traumatic memories (The Avoidance), leading to missed sessions or premature termination of therapy as deep work begins.
• Career Evolution: An individual desires a prestigious, fulfilling position (The Approach), but experiences an intense fear of failure or increased responsibility (The Avoidance), manifesting as severe procrastination during the application phase.
• Behavioral Modification: A client seeks a stable, healthy lifestyle (The Approach), but experiences a fear of facing reality or leaving their comfort zone (The Avoidance), causing a relapse into maladaptive habits.

How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Resolves the Conflict

Traditional therapeutic models often attempt to force a client past their resistance. In contrast, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy recognizes this gridlock as a protective clash between two or more internal sub-personalities, or "parts" (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy).

Instead of fighting the avoidance, an IFS therapist guides the client to look inward, identify the positive intentions of each conflicting part, and facilitate an internal negotiation.

The IFS Theoretical Framework: Protectors and Wounds

Within the IFS model, both the "approach" and "avoidance" drives are viewed as separate inner parts holding good intentions, typically working to protect old, underlying emotional vulnerabilities:

• The Approach Part: Usually a proactive protective part (such as a Manager) striving to achieve goals, master skills, or secure interpersonal connections to ensure safety, validation, and self-worth.
• The Avoidance Part: Usually a reactive protective part (or a Firefighter/Manager variant) that halts forward momentum because it detects existential danger. It fears that taking the next step will trigger a hidden exile, flooding the system with ancient shame, pain, or trauma.

The Step-By-Step IFS Process For Internal Negotiation

1. Differentiating and Unblending Parts: Instead of identifying with the conflict ("I want to change, but I just can't"), the therapist helps the client reframe the experience: "A part of me desperately wants to move forward, while another part is completely terrified." By anchoring the client in Core Self energy—characterized by compassion and curiosity—the individual can observe both parts without judgment or bias.
2. Honoring the Avoidant Protector: Rather than overriding the avoidant behavior, IFS prioritizes it. The therapist encourages the client's Self to ask the protector: "How are you trying to serve me?" or "What are you afraid will happen if we take this step?" Acknowledging and validating its protective history allows the avoidant part to loosen its grip and build trust with the Core Self.
3. Facilitating Internal Dialogue: Once both sides feel fully witnessed by the Core Self, the therapist guides a collaborative negotiation. The Self may ask the avoidant part: "If I promise to proceed incredibly slowly and protect our system, would you step aside to let the approach part try a micro-step?" Because the protector is respected rather than fought, it typically agrees to soften its stance.
4. Healing the Underlying Exile: The avoidant protector is hypervigilant only because it stands guard over a wounded internal exile. Once the protector trusts the Self to step aside, the IFS practitioner safely unburdens, processes, and heals the original root trauma. Once the underlying vulnerability is fully resolved, the avoidant part naturally retires its defensive behaviors, neutralizing the conflict entirely.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how the approach-avoidance conflict is overcome in IFS therapy:

John

When John met Donna, he felt a strong attraction to her and he asked her to go out on a date.

As they got to know each other, they both enjoyed each other's company and the new relationship energy that comes with being in a new relationship.

A few months later, as the relationship became more serious, Donna wanted a commitment from John but, even though he knew he loved Donna, he felt himself pulling away from her and he didn't understand what was happening to him.

At that point, Donna's friends told her she should end the relationship because they thought John was a "commitment-phobe".  But Donna felt John was struggling with some kind of internal conflict and she wanted to give him a chance to overcome the conflict, so she suggested that he get help in therapy.

Since John also wanted to understand why he felt so conflicted about making a commitment with Donna, he started therapy with an IFS therapist.

John had never heard of IFS therapy, but he was curious as to how it might help him to overcome his internal conflict.

Over time, as they explored John's family history, they discovered that John had an unresolved trauma related to his mother's anxiety and depression. When he was a child, John felt he was unlovable because his mother was emotionally distant and his father was often away on business.

With the help of his therapist, John realized that this old emotional wound was making him feel emotionally vulnerable with Donna in a way where a part of him wanted to escape the relationship, but another part of him wanted to remain, which reflected his ambivalence.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but John was motivated to work through his internal conflict about making a commitment to Donna. With the help of his therapist, he was able to see the good intention of the avoidant part of him and how it protected him in the past when he was a child.

His therapist guided John into feeling curious and compassionate towards this avoidant/protector part so that, eventually, it softened enough so he and his therapist could work on his traumatized wounded child part.

Over time, John was gradually able to let go of his fear because he had an embodied sense that, unlike when he was a child, he was now safe and more capable of being in a committed relationship with Donna.

Once he was freed from his traumatic history, John made a commitment to Donna and they moved in together with the eventual goal of getting married.

Conclusion

Although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience an ambivalence about the change as the change becomes more of a reality--even when it's something they really want.

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a common psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.

This is a common experience in therapy. 

In traditional psychotherapy, therapists often try to push through the ambivalence, which can make a client feel even more ambivalent, so this usually doesn't work.

An IFS therapist recognizes that we all have many different internal parts and some of these parts are polarized so they are in opposition to each other. They also recognize that this is often outside a client's awareness, so they reach for the ambivalence so it can be worked on.

IFS therapy is ideally suited for dealing with the approach-avoidance conflict.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you are stuck in an approach-avoidance dilemma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

Being able to work through the conflict provides you with an opportunity to live a more fulfilling life.

Contact & Consultation Information

I see clients online throughout New York State and in person at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011.

I offer a free 15-minute phone call before scheduling your initial appointment.

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to learn more about my practice.

• Email: Reach out confidentially via email at josephineferraro@iCloud.com.

• Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours.

Also See My Articles:

Fear of Change 

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Strategies For Making Major Changes in Your Life 

What is Somatic IFS?

What is a Trauma Therapist?

This article was updated on September 14, 2026.

Just as a family doctor refers you to a cardiologist for heart-specific care, the mental health field relies on specialists for deep-seated healing. While a generalist counselor excels at helping clients navigate everyday life transitions, a trauma therapist is a licensed specialist uniquely trained to address the profound psychological and somatic impacts of past trauma. 

When a client’s progress stalls due to unresolved wounds, a general therapist will ethically refer them to a dedicated specialist. As a certified clinician, I often see firsthand how this critical shift from general therapy to specialized trauma care opens the door to genuine, lasting recovery.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

What is a Trauma Therapist?

A trauma therapist is a mental health practitioner who completed all the requirements for state licensure and, in addition, has the training and skills to work with trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What does this mean? It means that the trauma therapist has gone beyond the training of the generalist with specialized training in trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy (see my articles: EMDR and Emotional Breakthroughs).

Is this enough? No. Many psychotherapists train to do trauma therapy, like EMDR, but they rarely use it.  This means they haven't honed their skills.

In order to develop trauma therapy skills, a psychotherapist needs to see many clients with traumatic experiences and used trauma therapy over a period of time. 

Just like developing any other skill, it's not enough to learn a type of therapy once in a workshop and get little or no practice using it with clients.  Trauma therapy skills need to be practiced over time for a therapist to become skilled at it.  

The importance of skill level was really brought home to me a few years ago when I needed to refer a friend for trauma therapy.  Since she was my friend, I couldn't see her myself, so I needed to refer her to a specialist in trauma.

Although I know many therapists who are trauma therapists, none of them took my friend's health benefits, so I made a request on my professional listserve to try to find someone who did.  In response to my inquiry, a therapist, who was unknown to me, responded that she used EMDR therapy with clients.  She also said she took my friend's health benefits, and she would be glad to meet my friend.  So, I provided this therapist's information to my friend.

It turned out that even though this therapist said she was a trauma therapist, in fact, she was a generalized with a substance abuse background.  She admitted after several weeks of treating my friend that she attended an EMDR workshop, but she never used it.  In effect, she misrepresented herself because she wanted the referral.  Not only was this clinically irresponsible, it was also unethical, and I never made any more referrals to her.  

Fortunately, I was able to find someone else who was a qualified trauma therapist and my friend did well in that therapy.  But I never forgot that experience and, since that time, I ask more detailed questions when I'm making a referral rather than relying on a therapist describing him or herself as a trauma therapist when they're not.

So, while it's important to ask specific questions about the therapist's licensure and training, it's also important to ask how much experience a therapist has with regard to actually doing trauma therapy.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't work with a beginner who is in training. You might choose a trauma therapist in training if that therapist works for a clinic that offers low fee therapy where the trainee is getting supervision if cost is an issue for you.

Choosing Among Trauma Therapists

Not all trauma is alike.  There are different types of trauma (see my article: What is the Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma?).

Within trauma therapy, some therapists have more experience with some trauma versus other types of trauma.  For instance, one trauma therapist might have more experience with the trauma of parental alienation and less with sexual abuse.  So, it's important to ask about this when considering various trauma therapists.

When you're looking for a trauma therapist, you might decide to have consultations with a few therapists to determine which therapist is right for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

On the other hand, if you have a consultation with a trauma therapist and you feel she's the right therapist for you, you might choose that therapist without having other consultations because having several consultations can be time consuming and expensive.  This is a personal decision and each individual chooses what feels right.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

While the process of finding a trauma therapist might seem daunting, in the long run you can save a lot of time and money by making sure that you're with a specialist who has the necessary qualifications to help you.

Many trauma therapists, including me, are doing effective trauma therapy online during the pandemic crisis. Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Choosing a trauma therapist, instead of a generalist, can make all the difference between effective therapy versus ineffective therapy.  

Rather than struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, get the help you need from a trauma therapist so you can work through your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

One of my specialties is working with trauma is helping individual adults and couples to work through unresolved trauma.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, NY (10011) and online.

Contact Information:

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to learn more about my practice.

• Email: Reach out confidentially via email at josephineferraro@iCloud.com.

• Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

This article was updated on September 13, 2026.

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

Building a lasting relationship requires shifting away from superficial traits and focusing on the slow burn of genuine psychological connection.

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I see clients online throughout New York State and in person at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011.

I offer a free 15-minute phone call before scheduling your initial appointment.

• Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to learn more about my practice.

• Email: Reach out confidentially via email at josephineferraro@iCloud.com.

• Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond